A First Encounter with a Troll, Part Two: Ode to a Troll

There are three possibilities, here, as to why My Little Troll (MLT) responded the way it did to my article on Eva Green of PENNY DREADFUL. (Suggestion: Read that article first, if you haven’t already.) My Little Troll got its knickers all in a twist over my commenting on Ms. Green’s physical attractiveness, and my dissing of boring-as-hell Bernardo Bertolucci, who is apparently well loved by MLT. Mostly about the sexiness, though. The first explanation is the simplest: My Little Troll is just a troll. The second is that MLT is sincere but really kinda stupid. (In case there is someone else out there too thickheaded to appreciate that my “offensive” article was written tongue-in-cheek, let me spell out clearly the point I sought to make with it: Eva Green is a superb actress, and it’s a shame that her status as a sex symbol causes her to not be taken as seriously by the “establishment.” See, dear Little Troll, I chose to take the self-deprecating approach with the article, saying “*I* am a pig,” instead of pointing a metaphorical finger at my gender in totality, accusing them en masse: “YOU are all pigs!” Men are pigs in general, yes, but we shouldn’t let our piggish-ness cause us to devalue the talent of a performer like Ms. Green. THAT is the point of the article, but, if not a complete troll, MLT is obviously incapable of appreciating such things as subtext or sarcasm, so I’ll spell it out as straightly and uninterestingly as possible. Then again, MLT loves Bertolucci, so “uninteresting” likely appeals to it.

Possibility number three is that MLT suffered abuse at some point at the hands of men, and this has led it to a hatred of men in general and the habit of psychologically projecting its own issues onto strangers. If this latter is the case, I wouldn’t want to make fun. I would hope that the person receives the help they need. (Here I’ll use the interpersonal but grammatically incorrect “they” instead of “it.”) Given the level of vitriol spewed forth by MLT, though, a viciousness out of all proportion to the article in question, I will proceed with the assumption that, in this case, a troll really is just a troll.

As MLT’s attack on me occurred on social media, I was unable to get a screencap of the assault before it was deleted. I don’t know if an administrator of the group, a PENNY DREADFUL fan site, deleted the comments of MLT or if it deleted them itself, after I responded by thanking it for the free publicity. You see, My Little Troll, in the midst of its childish criticisms of my appearance and calling me a “nobody” and a “loser,” shared the offending article. TWICE! Then it proceeded to list the various websites I write for, as if this were in some way going to discredit me. MLT also, it seems, read several of my other articles, because it referenced them, as well. I actually had a friend ask me if MLT was really a fake profile I had created, in order to troll myself—and thus garner some free publicity. I have to admit, looking at it from an outsider’s perspective, I can see why someone would suspect that (and I wish I’d thought of it!), as MLT did such an excellent job of unintentionally publicizing me. Seriously, MLT, with enemies like you, who needs friends?

I wanted to thank you publicly, MLT, for all you gave to me. You even gave me fodder for articles this week! I am much obliged. Truly I am.

That said, this is a one-off. We have a strict no-trolls policy here, so don’t waste your time. I’m not gonna be the guy who makes trolls into rock stars. All this was a one-time only deal, to celebrate my first trolling, and the fact that it was such a profitable experience for me, in spite of what MLT wanted. Getting my troll cherry popped was a genuine pleasure, but it’s not something I will repeat. This, then, is goodbye, little troll. You may literally be the WORST. TROLL. EVER. But you were my first and I will always have a soft spot in my rotten little heart for you—the exact sorta spot where one would expect a worm to be the most comfortable.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless. Denn die totden reiten schnell!

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