2. Werewolves are werewolves for one night a month. Vampires are cold hard bloodsucking bastards for hundreds of years, every day, and all hours. Except maybe the daylight hours.

3. Vampires are smarter. It’s true, sorry, but werewolves are mostly created from the “let’s go investigate scary noise” horror movie stock or, “ignore the crazy gypsy woman” types. Vampires are created either by choice, or because they were just so damn sexy.

4. Vampires are faster; they retain human forms, and don’t become huge, ungainly half-man half-wolf creatures that have to re-learn how to walk. Animal reflexes are on the werewolves side, but supernatural speed, –nope.

5. Werewolves are usually crippled by a lengthy, painful transformation, giving a vampire ample time to smoke, check his laundry, eat a light dinner of blonde virgin, watch the latest episode of True Blood on HBO, come back after picking up his dry cleaning, and finish on the werewolf before he’s even finished growing a tail.

6. Vampires are more popular; they’re hot, and they look like gorgeous pale people, thus, they’re more likely to have human allies, willing to die for them. Werewolves are scruffy, un-hygienic looking guys, who might have one girlfriend that they end up killing off themselves.

7. It’s easier for vampires to blend in with humanity, giving them an edge when it comes to hiding, or using the element of surprise in a fight. Werewolves are huge, mutant dog people; they don’t really have the same thing going for them once they’ve transformed.

8. Vampires multiply faster; it takes one night for a vampire to turn like, a dozen or so people. It takes a whole month for a werewolf to turn someone, or at least for the effect to kick in.

9. In the event that a vampire should have to flee, because the werewolf is fighting dirty, or ganging up on one vampire, then vampires can always shapeshift into something with wings, like these so-freaking-horrfiyingly-ugly-they’re-cute vampire bats. Then they can come back later and snuff the werewolf when he’s in the bathtub or something.

Related Reading:

It Lives Again! Horror Movies in the New Millennium

Supernatural Childbirth

Werewolves

Shadow Kiss (Vampire Academy, Book 3)

The Essential HBO Reader (Essential Readers in Contemporary Media)

Related posts:

1. Vampires VS Werewolves
2. 10 Reasons It Sucks Having A Vampire Boyfriend
3. Totally Awesome Vampire Costumes!

Downstairs, in Sookie’s house, Maryann is attended by her zombified bridesmaids. Eggs is holding Sookie as she struggles to get away from the goofy looking egghead, while Sookie tells Maryann off, about just coming in and taking over all her shit, –her house, her Gran’s dress, her friends, –except Jane Bodehouse. Jane tells Sookie she’s always liked Sookie for giving her extra pickles. Sookie promises Maryann that she’s not going to let “this” happen. What exactly does she mean? Seems like Maryann has clusterfucked everything up plenty; as a matter of fact, in the scheme of things, it seems like she pretty much accomplishes what she set out to do. Maryann tells her little bridesmaids to scoot off, so she can talk to Sookie alone, and they take off, with Eggs following them at Maryann’s command. Maryann wants Sookie to do her electricity thing again; apparently, she liked it. Sookie tries, but can’t, and smacks Maryann’s shoulders in frustration. Maryann tells her, “That’s hitting me,” and tells Sookie she isn’t committing herself to what she’s doing. Damn right, committing yourself to hitting Maryann, in my view, would be taking a whole package of ephedrine, an aluminum baseball bat with nails welded into it, and then hitting her.

Sookie argues with Maryann that she doesn’t have any special powers, that she’s a human being, but Maryann doesn’t believe her, and demonstrates why: Maryann does her impression of a vibrator, and nothing happens! She tells Sookie if she were human, she’d be her mindless little goon by now, and asks Sookie again, “What are you?” Sookie, unphased as always, snaps back, “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” Neener. At the Fortenberry doublewide, Maxine is dancing around the kitchen and singing in a toneless growl that will surely be the biggest scare of this episode, –when suddenly, she sees Hoyt’s asleep, grabs her casserole of doom, and makes a break for it. She runs into a yarn trip-wire which jerks Hoyt’s arm up. He wakes up and runs to catch his crazy hag of a mother. Hoyt tells her that he’s going to try to forget everything she said while she was all zombified. Maxine tries to fight him off, throws things at him, and tries to run again, but he catches her and forces her back in.

Maryann continues her interrogation in Sookie’s living room, asking if Sookie if she’s ever felt anyone watching over her; Sookie answers yes, but felt that it was God, –in the Christian sense. Maryann tells her that it wasn’t the kind of God Sookie is thinking of, and Sookie remembers the night she threw the chain at Mack Rattray, when it wrapped around his neck and squeezed tight. Oooh, very interesting. Sookie asks Maryann what she is, but Maryann has no answer, other than Sookie is beyond human, with energy she can’t channel, which is rare but not unique in Bon Temps, –and Sookie remembers Sam. She asks Maryann if she’s planning to marry Sam, and Maryann looks genuinely offended, then goes on about how she’s marrying a god. Honey, we all thought that at first; sure, he’s a god, then ten years later, it’s lite beer, sex on an annual basis, meaningful relationships with Oprah, and if you’re lucky, it’s alimony and an affair with your mailman.

Maryann explains that Sam is just the wedding present, pht, more like the reception dinner. Gross. She starts getting choked up about how long she’s waited for this, and Sookie asks how she knows ‘He’ is even coming. Maryann is sure of it though, and tells Sookie the time has never been more perfect. Sookie tells Maryann that Sam hasn’t done anything to deserve being sacrificed amongst a bunch of loonies, but Maryann tells Sookie about how Sam appeared to her as the ideal vessel; naked, a virgin, and drawn to the statue that represents the birth of her god. Remember the weird looking, barely humanoid statue that Maryann drags around with her everywhere? Yeah, that one. Maryann reveals that Sookie is there because Sam will come running for her; so as Sam’s sacrifice, i.e., the cutting out of his heart, will bring Maryann’s special god, Sookie will draw Sam there, “running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.” Maryann has a hell of a sense of humor. For a manipulative, lunatic psycho bitch, I can sort of see the appeal in wanting to be super good friends with her. The zombie part is a downside, but sex, drugs, running around naked, –well, the music isn’t exactly great. Eh… maybe being forced to screw to the sounds of two guys banging on “authentic” drums from Pier 1 Imports isn’t as fun as it looks.

Maryann places a big leafy garland on Sookie’s head declares it beautiful. Right up until aphids starts crawling around on her scalp, sure, looks great. At the Queen’s high security fortress, Eric is playing Yahtzee as if he were being forced to withstand the torments of a thumbscrew, and looks even less enthusiastic when the Queen tells him they play to five million. Good god, by one million I’d be trying to drown myself in her pool. Rather than repeat every vacuous thing the Queen says, I’ll give you the highlights; she tells Eric the death of his maker, “blows.” How kind, what a nice sentiment, tell me, do you practice flippantly commenting on the deaths of other vampires that are obviously far more superior? The Queen has mad “intellectual” skills. While Eric tries to thank her, the Queen hollers “Yahtzee!”, and after her little outburst, she asks Eric what he said, then interrupts him again to ask him if he knew there was a maenad in Renard Parish, –the location of Bon Temps. Eric reminds her that is the reason he came, and she tells him he shouldn’t get involved.

The Queen tells Eric she told Bill a bunch of “hand-me-down folklore” that could be either “gospel or gorilla shit.” What an attractive female. Then she tells Eric, as if it were the biggest scandal, that she thinks Bill is monogamous with his human; oh no, what is the world coming to?! Eric confirms that Bill is in love with her, and Hadley speaks up, “he is?” but gets a deadly look from the Queen, and looks back down. The Queen tells Eric that she isn’t surprised, that Eric’s probably in love with Sookie too, but Eric denies loving humans; the Queen tells Eric that Sookie isn’t entirely human, and asks if he’s tasted her. Eric, with unabashed regret, tells the Queen no, and she warns him not to ever, because one vampire falling in love is bad enough. They agree that Bill Compton has a knack for finding trouble, and then she asks, out of the blue, –oh shit, –how Bill knows that she is making Eric sell vampire blood for her. Where the fuck did that come from? I guess shit rolls downhill after all. The Queen tells him that the guards hear everything, and Eric tells her that Bill doesn’t know that she is supplying it.

The Queen snaps up from her seat, and pins Eric, fangs out, and tells him, “He better not. I’m holding you responsible,” she kisses him all nasty, but there’s not really anything in it, other than a sort of ‘haha I can make your dick hard before I kill you’ sort of female dominatrix thing. Eric’s fangs pop out, and she tells him they’re lovely, –in comparison to hers, which look like big nasty tusks, –and she tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her ‘Queendom’ (now there’s a funny word), she can own his fangs as earrings. Eric answers that he understands, and promises to personally take care of Bill Compton. Before they can start getting all nasty on the floor, the dingy foreign guy clears his throat and tells Eric, “It’s your turn to make-a Yahtzee.” They sit up, and have an awkward moment, before Eric throws the dice, stares at them, and the Queen tells him he sucks at it. Well, Yahtzee isn’t the most manly game now is it, you dentally deformed pop-philosophic bitch from turn of the 20th century hell?

In the woods near Sookie’s house, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur prepare to ’storm the fortress.’ Jason gears himself up with a bunch of action movie quotes, the last of which is, “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” Uh huh… well, we can hope that he isn’t smelling it out of a paper bag held over his mouth and nose, at least. After some debate, Jason convinces Andy to storm into the midst of the nutcases frolicking around Gran’s lawn, –Bud Dearborn, sans the pants, singing into a sausage is probably one of the best scenes. It takes about twenty seconds for them to become zombified; Andy, the lush, goes first, then Jason. Jason grabs the first gross old hag he sees and starts making out with her. Egads, if there’s anything that might make you want to puke in your soup, that’d be it. At Merlotte’s, Sam approaches Bill after putting Arlene’s kids to bed in his trailer, and Bill goes about the process of making Sam face Maryann. Sam naturally, is a little resitant, but Bill indicates, with fangs out, that he doesn’t plan to give Sam a choice.

In Sookie’s living room, everybody is taking turns licking the egg after a swig of wine, and finally, we find out where the egg comes from. Sookie voices a question we’ve all been asking for a week: “What is with the egg? Did you lay it?” If so, licking it is highly unsanitary, and still is. Think of the germs, people! Does the word “mono” mean anything to you? Maryann tells Sookie it’s an ostrich egg, to symbolize fertility, and then the group forces Sookie to lick it too. Nasty. She should have asked if she could lick the egg first, and avoid having everyone else’s spit in her mouth. Ah, bachelorette party games; Sacrifice the Shapeshifter, Lick the Fertility Egg, –what will they come up with next? Jason and Andy bust in and interrupt the ladies, to announce that the vessel has arrived! Woohoo! Let’s get it started in here, let’s get several degrees more retarded in here! Unfortunately, no one busts out into a song dance routine, they just get all giggly and excited, and ready for Maryann’s big moment.

Sookie is upset that Jason’s been turned zombie, but the state doesn’t seem to have altered him much; he tells Sookie she looks beautiful. Sookie says she won’t be part of Maryann’s wedding, and the original bridezilla threatens to kill her brother if she doesn’t; Sookie agrees, and Maryann tells Jason to make sure Sookie behaves. They get ready for the long walk “down the aisle”, and Jason drags Sookie along behind him. Andy has the job of holding Maryann’s train, which makes him look a bit like Quasimodo, and Tara gets to hold the egg, yay! Outside, a bunch of nutcases have somehow managed enough coherence to throw together a small orchestra for the Wedding March. Arlene and Jane Bodehouse get to be flower girls, and Lafayette gets to carry the big bull mask. The rest of the crowd chants and watches retard anticipation. Bill arrives, and calls to Maryann that he has the sacrifice; Sookie’s pissed! Bill offers Sam in exchange for Sookie, and despite Sookie, and Sam’s protests, the exchange is made.

Bill holds Sookie, who struggles for Sam, and Sam hollers for Bill to get Sookie out of there, so she doesn’t have to watch him die. Maryann, pleased as punch, tells the pallbearers, or I guess, best men, that Sam is theirs. They take Sam, off to prepare the wedding gift, and Sookie asks Bill accusingly if his vampire told him to sacrifice Sam; Bill only tells her to trust him. Maryann begins the ceremony, and Lafayette places the bull head on top of the big nasty statue, that must really be reeking by now; meat in the sun for a few days? Good god, they’re going to need a fifty gallon drum of Febreeze. Lafayette hollers, “Worship him bitches!” and everyone falls to their knees. Maryann calls for the sacrificial egg, which Tara places inside the nasty statue. Maryann begins hailing her ‘god who comes’, then tells some bastardized version of mythology for the occasion. All you need to know really, is that they need Sam’s heart so that the god can be reborn.

The batshit men of honor carry over the wedding present, Sam, and they set him up; Maryann follows, and tells Sam how lucky he is to have a life that means something. I bet he feels really lucky right about now. Everyone else calls for Maryann to hurry up and sacrifice Sam, while Sookie hollers for Sam to use his gift; Bill pulls Sookie back, and tells her to use hers. Eggs takes the knife and stabs Sam in the chest, Sookie screams, and Maryann tells Eggs to bring her the blood. Eggs obeys, brings Maryann the bloody knife, and she traces a line of Sam’s blood down her throat, half-crying and gibbering about how Sam is surely the vessel that will unite her and her god. Sam calls for Sookie in his thoughts, and Bill lets her go to him; she cries and tells him she’s sorry, but Sam tells her to destroy everything, “all of it.” She goes for the spitty icky egg first, and smashes it on the ground. Too bad, could have made a great big omelett. Tara flips out, hollering that Sookie, “killed our sacred egg!” Sookie hollers that none of this stuff is sacred, then goes about pushing over the giant gross statue. I’m surprised she could touch it without barfing; the thing was probably crawling with flies and dancing rice.

The purple electric light comes from Sookie’s hands again, and she pushes over the huge statue of rotting crap, and then everybody goes nuts. Maryann throws a big bridezilla fit, and apologizes to Dionysus for Sookie’s ruining the offering, then decides to sacrifice all of them. She does her human vibrator impersonation, and makes that nails-on-chalkboard sound, which has all her zombie pals writhing on their knees in agony. Sookie hollers at Maryann to stop, and she does, because now she’s decided to kill Sookie instead. Maryann puts her hands in the dirt, and comes back up with big slimy claws, then heads toward Sookie, –who runs off. And the chase is on! A grunting maenad chases after Sookie, and both of them are in formal-wear, so it’s anybody’s guess as to who trips first, but wait, oh no, it’s Sookie by a landslide! Before Maryann can start slashing Sookie with her big, ugly claws, there’s a distinctly bovine, loud sound  up ahead.

A large white bull trots out of the darkness; is it really Maryann’s god/new husband? Her claws turn back into hands, and she whispers, “My lord. My husband.” Maryann approaches the big bull, and touches its nose, –which is disgusting, if you’ve ever done such a thing, it’s not nearly as romanctic as they make it look here. Maryann starts crying, which is actually really sad, because she’s spent thousands of years alive, waiting for this; she tells him to come to her, then opens her arms. The bull walks slowly toawards her, then gores her with one horn, ripping from her belly to her chest, thus ruining forever Gran’s wedding dress. Damn. The bull jerks his horn up and down, which is pretty gross, because Maryann has black blood. Maryann tells the bull she is happy to die, and suddenly, the bull turns into Sam Merlotte, who tears out Maryann’s still-beating heart. She looks genuinely shocked, and totally miserable, and asks softly, “Was there no god?” Again, this is still pretty sad; Sam crushes her heart in his hand.

Maryann’s face instantly turns black, splits open, and she crumples on the ground. It all looks really gross, especially when Sam, who is standing naked, lets her black, mushy heart flop out of his hand. Sookie watches from where she sits on the ground, and back in her yard, everyone returns to normal, the black in their eyes disappears, and they look around, totally shocked to find themselves in the midst of various bizarre scenes of debauchery. Eggs looks especially troubled, with blood all over his hands. Sookie rushes up to Sam and hugs him, wondering aloud, the same thing the rest of us are wondering, –that Eggs killed him, so …er, wtf? Sam tells her no, almost, and Bill comes limping up the road holding his wrist. Bill falls to his knees as Sookie goes to him, and asks if Maryann is gone, telling Sookie that Sam had to drink more from him than he expected. He explains that he promised Sam he would heal him, if he went to Maryann, because they knew of no other way to destroy the maenad.

Sookie tells Bill she understands, and Bill explains that he wished Sookie could read his thoughts. Sam walks up, and Sookie, amazed, states that he was willing to die for all of them, but Sam says that Bill promised he wouldn’t let that happen, though Sam admits he was ready if things didn’t work out. Sam is now wearing pants, which is a little sad too. Tara and Jason approach, and Jason is the first to say “Holy fuck!” when he sees Maryann’s body. Sookie comforts Tara, and tells Bill to get rid of the body, and she doesn’t care where it’s buried, and tells Jason and Sam to get everybody home. Uh, hello, poor Bill is pretty severely weakened, and Jason can barely tie his own shoes. Jason wants to know what happened, but Sookie tells him not now, and hisses at him to get everyone off of her lawn. Bill approaches Maryann’s body, probably thinking, “God, I have to -touch that-, after I almost died saving a guy I don’t like? This Sookie bitch is high maintenance, I need to find a less demanding blond.”

Tara is still upset, even though everything’s over, and tells Sookie she has a sick feeling that it’s not. Hoyt Fortenberry is on his knees, hugging Maxine, thanking God his mama is okay, while she wonders how they got home. Hoyt asks her what she remembers, and the last thing she can recall is “meetin’ that redheaded vampire” of his, and then, –before she can continue what surely would have been an ugly speech, she finds the bandaids on her neck, over the bite marks Jessica left. Maxine starts freaking out and accusing Hoyt of letting a vampire feed on her, but he explains to her that he brought her straight home. Maxine starts in on a tirade, asking what kind of evil monster would attack an “innocent” person for “no reason.” Hoyt tells his mama that Jessica was “provoked”, and when Maxine’s head snaps up, Hoyt explains that he knew it wasn’t really her, and that she was just saying a bunch of nasty things she didn’t mean. Mm, I’m one of those people who thinks that alcohol is a tongue loosener, and what comes from your mouth when you’re liquored up, comes from the mind, –only the mouth is too stupid with booze to close. And Maxine’s zombified state was similar.

Maxine asks what she said, and Hoyt tells her that she said a bunch of nasty, spiteful things about Jessica, about him, and about his daddy, a bunch of lies about how he shot himself. Maxine looks down and away. Hoyt asks her if it was true, asking if it really was a burglar, but Maxine doesn’t say anything. Hoyt sits back, miserable, and his mother tells him he should know the truth, now that he’s nearly thirty. Hoyt gets up and leaves her sitting there, and hollers that he should have known the truth when he was ten. Hoyt goes on, “…or hell, when I was twenty-five! All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, you keep me from going to college, from doing anything! All because you were scared of some burglar that never existed.” Maxine starts blubbering, claiming she was scared, still is, that Hoyt is all she has left, that she had to hang onto him. Hoyt says, “You lied to me for eighteen years, just cuz you didn’t wanna be alone, instead of lettin me be an actual person,” –Maxine tries to take his arm but he pulls away, and goes on, “You know what I wish, mama? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.”

Maxine covers her mouth and begins to cry, but Hoyt isn’t taken by her bawling, and leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Back on Sookie’s lawn, Arlene is trying to get ahold of her kids, and Terry is staring at the flower garland on his head like it’s a poisonous snake, before tossing it away. Arlene is all upset, and Terry suggest they walk, but Jason offers her a lift. Before they go, suddenly, someone screams, oh boy, and it looks like Jane Bodehouse found her finger. Whoops. Jason takes Jane, and they head off with Arlene in tow to the ER, while Bud Dearborn, behind them, tells Andy to come by the station in the morning and he’ll give back his badge. Andy promises to never take another drink, and Bud tells Andy that he’s man enough to know that he can’t handle the mess the town is in on his own. Bud goes on to admit that while Andy has his faults, at least he’s wearing pants. A fire smolders in a bathtub behind them, and it appears things are coming to rights.

Sam looks out across the yard at a doe in the field nearby, and cries silent tears, thinking of Daphne, her betraying him, and what he lost; he’s alone again. Bill approaches and tells Sam, who wipes his eyes discreetly, that he thanks him for trusting him with his life. Bill understands that it wasn’t easy for Sam, who tries to blow him off, by saying that at least Sookie is safe, which is what Bill wanted. Bill reminds Sam that he wanted Sookie safe too, and Sam tells him that Sookie’s family, like the rest of them, and if there was a way to save the townspeople, how could he say no? Bill tells Sam he’s grateful that he revealed his gift for the sake of the town, and Sam tells him he understands now that he suffers a lot more hiding his gift, than if he had just opened up about it. Bill walks away, and Sam looks behind him to see that the doe has gone. Very sad; I hope someone nice comes along for Sam. Inside, Eggs is flipping out, scrubbing the blood off of his hands, asking Tara where Maryann is, who just assures him that them being okay is all that matters. Oh god, trapped in a nightmare without his pseudo-mommy, and only Tara there to explain things to him? I sure as hell don’t envy Eggs; not only is Tara portrayed as a mean, selfish bitch, she’s never had to deal with a whiny, sissified egghead.

Tara tries to convince Eggs that he doesn’t want to know what he’s forgotten, but he remains hysterical about cleaning his hands. Sookie appears in the doorway to inquire about Bill’s whereabouts, and sees Eggs tweaking out, and asks if they’re okay. Tara tells her she’s all right, and tells Sookie she’s sorry for bringing all this weirdness and insanity into Sookie’s life, that she just wanted to feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs her, reassures her that she is part of her family, and promises that they’ll clean everything up. Sookie sees Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and admits to Tara that she knocked him out. Tara tells her she’ll wake him up, that Sookie can go on to bed. Sookie thanks Tara, and leaves her with the downward spiraling Eggs. Upstairs, Bill and Sookie decide to snuggle before he has to leave at sunrise. The next day at Merlotte’s, Charlaine Harris is telling Sam at the bar that she “certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.” Yep, Charlaine Harris was at the bar, pretty trippy hm?

Tara tries talking to Sam, but he’s acting a little evasive, and Arlene has apparently ordered half the menu for her kids; Lisa tells her that they forgive her, but Arlene tells Lisa that she shouldn’t have to know what that word means. Coby tells Arlene that it’s okay, that Sam took care of them, and took them to see vampires, and “one of them could fly!” Arlene tells them that Mr. Merlotte is a good man, but he isn’t family, that she should have been there, and promises them that she’ll be the best mama ever from now on. Terry Bellefleur approaches their table, and presents the kids with toy guns that make noise. While this is an excellent way to make friends, it will eventually cause Arlene numerous splitting headaches, –so maybe not the best move, but sweet all the same. Terry promises to take care of their mama while she’s at work, if they take care of her at home. Sam calls Arlene and Terry back to work, but before they go, her kids ask her if she saw Rene while she was away. Arlene tells them Rene is still on his “vacation with Jesus”, –when she goes, the kids agree that Rene is dead.

Two sassy old chicks are gossipping about what happened; one thinks Maryann was a martian, who was controlling people and erasing their memories. The other thinks that Maryann was an agent from a pharmaceutical company and she poisoned the water with LSD as a mind control experiment, and that’s why she sticks to Mountain Dew. Sam approaches to give them a refill, and tells them that what really happened was the ATF shut down a distillery in a nearby town over a bad batch of vodka that was pure ethanol, and that’s what everybody was drinking last night, then tells them Mountain Dew is a smart choice. As Sam walks away, one woman thanks god for whoever made Sam’s jeans, and declares she’d wear him like a scrunchie. Well, lord have mercy, get a little more raunchy, will you? Lafayette looks over and comments loudly on how stupid everyone is, and with some sympathy, Tara pours him a drink. Sookie approaches, and he tells her he feels for her the most, because she has to remember all of it. Lafayette goes on to say he doesn’t want to know, and asks her not to tell him, even if he begs, and Sookie interrupts to let him know that Jane Bodehouse wants jumbalaya.

On the other side of the bar, Jane Bodehouse is telling some “admirers” how she lost her finger, and got it sewn back on. Apparently, she figures a gator bit it off when she was down by the lake, but the doctor figures the finger will grow back together since she has such good bone structure. Ech, okay. Andy Bellefleur grumbles behind them, from his table with Jason Stackhouse, that it wasn’t no gator that bit her finger off. He goes on to say she pulled her finger out of a giant statue of meat, and saw her gettin’ it from behind with Mike Spencer. Jane and Co. just laugh at him though, and Jane tells him they all want some of what he’s drinking. Andy growls that he’s only got Diet Coke with lime, but Jason clinks his glass to Andy’s and stares. Andy starts going on a tirade, but Jason tells him to let it go, and squeezes his shoulder. Jason starts telling Andy how they’re heroes, and it begins as a long, dingbat speech, but he ends it pretty well, with Jason saying that the whole point of being a hero is to do something greater than yourself, not for the girls, the glory and such. Jason tells him they’re bigger men than that, and hopefully, Andy’s convinced.

In back, Sookie is pumping mustard, which sounds raunchier than it is, when Sam approaches and asks her if she can keep an eye on the bar while he goes on vacation for a while, which is much needed after the event last night. Sookie tries to thank him, but Sam tells her it’s okay, that he doesn’t really want anyone to know any of what happened. But Sookie argues that she thinks everyone should know how special he is, and hugs him. A woman approaches with a big shopping bag for her, and tells her she has a special delivery for Sookie Stackhouse; Sookie accepts it, and the woman tells her she’s lucky to have such a classy admirer. Aww, how sweet. Sookie asks Sam for a minute to check out her present, and goes outside to look at what she got. It’s a very pretty lavender formal dinner dress, and a note from Bill, telling her he owes her an evening out, and asking if she’d wear the dress that night. That is just so tender, and adorable. Gosh. Eggs grabs her shoulder, and scares the shit out of her, ruining the moment, so he can bother her with his drama.

Eggs desperately wants to know what he did, and has been tearing himself up over it, even though everyone’s told him that it wasn’t him doing it, and that he doesn’t want to know. Apparently, that’s not good enough; ever heard the phrase, “Curosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back?” Eggs doesn’t end up satisfied. Sookie looks into his thoughts, where he’s begging her to help in, and agrees to try to bring his memory back. She takes his hands, and asks her to walk her through his first blackout; and the memories come flooding back. Eggs looks horrified, and takes off, but Sookie follows, and tries explaining to him in small words that it wasn’t his fault, that it was Maryann’s influence controlling him. He argues that it was his hands that did it, and runs off, with Sookie calling to him that she’s sorry. At Bill’s house, Jessica comes down the stairs all dressed up and looking purty, while Bill comes out of the downstairs hallway, all dressed up and purty too. Bill tells her she looks “a vision”, and asks if she’s going to see Hoyt Fortenberry, but she is defensive, and says he’s going to see Sookie. Bill calms her down, says it’s fine, though the guys usually went to see the girls in his day. He acknowledges the change though, and tells her to have a good time.

Before he leaves, Jessica tells Bill that she and Hoyt had a fight, so she was going to go apologize. Bill tells her Hoyt would be a fool not to accept, and Jessica smiles some, –which is so cute, since Bill and Jessica get along terrible! She asks where he’s taking Sookie, and he tells her, a French restaurant, though he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years, and humans love them; Bill seems nervous. Jessica tells him to be back by five, and he tells her to be back by four, then opens the door for her. Aww. Parent and teen bonding! It’s a full on -moment-, y’all! In some other town, somewhere else in the world, Sam rings a doorbell, and calls the woman who answers it, “Mrs. Merlotte.” Oh shit. Inside, Sam notices that there are no pictures of him, and the woman who was his foster mother, claims they keep them put away, because it would be hard to explain to their friends who thought they didn’t have any children. Sam confronts her about abandoning him, but all she can say was that they were scared, and an apology that comes in sobs.

Sam is untouched, and tells her he’s not interested in an apology, he wants to know who his real parents were. But Mrs. Merlotte tells him no, that she swore to them she’d never tell. She tells him, when Sam starts to get upset, that he doesn’t want to know them, because they’re bad people. Sam bitterly replies that she’d know a thing or two about that. A small white monitor alarm goes off, and Sam follows Mrs. Merlotte to the back, where her husband lays dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment, and unable to speak. The man’s hand shakes as he gives him a note that reads: “Melinda & Joe Lee Mickens – Last known in Magnolia Ark – I’m sorry”. Sam’s eyes well up, but he doesn’t cry, as he looks at the dying man in the bed who used to be his daddy. Oh god it’s so sad, I almost cried; almost. At Bill’s, Hoyt Fortenberry is knocking on the door with flowers in his hand, looking for Jessica, –what the hell, didn’t she go to his house? He hollers for her, but there’s no answer.

At a truckstop somewhere, Jessica is making out with some trucker, –ew, wtf is going on here? He snags a condom off the visor, and she tells him that before they go any further, he should know she’s a virgin. He tells her he’ll be gentle, and kinda likes that. Jessica asks, “Really?” and he nods, and then she says she doesn’t like it one bit, shows her fangs, and bites! Holy shit, someone needs to get together an intervention or something, and have a talk with her. She can’t just go around eating truckers, that’s just nasty. At Bill’s, Hoyt looks sadly at the door, and leaves the roses by the front door, then leaves. At the French restaurant, Sookie and Bill have entered, and Sookie notices that Bill has rented out the entire restaurant for their dinner, and he declares he didn’t want to share the site of Sookie with anyone else that night. Aww, that’s so sweet, –and you know, incredibly possessive. Sookie brings up the fact that Bill doesn’t eat, but he invites her to dance, which is a giggly and very cute affair, because both of them can actually dance a bit.

At Merlotte’s, Andy is out in the parking lot headed to his car, when Eggs appears, again looking on the verge of hysterics, and carrying the huge bloody knife he was forced to use to kill people. He begs Andy Bellefleur, who isn’t armed, to lock him up, while Andy circles his car trying to get Eggs to drop the knife. Andy tries to calm him down and take the knife, but Eggs throws him on the ground, and hovers over him with the knife, freaking out. Eggs is hollering at Andy, much too close for comfort with the huge knife, when suddenly, he’s shot in the head; Jason Stackhouse stands away to the side, shocked that he killed the man. Andy sighs, and Jason, figuring that Eggs was going to kill Andy, shot on reflex. Andy tells Jason to go on, and get the hell out of there, and he wipes off the gun, –funny how things work out, really, since Andy’s wanted to pin murder on Jason for so long, and when he gets his chance, he passed it up because Jason killed a man to protect Andy. Everyone comes out of Merlotte’s to see what happened, and Andy tells them Eggs was coming after him with the murder weapon, so he shot him.

Tara sees Eggs, and crouches beside him, crying and sobbing, and shaking his body. Sookie is finishing dessert with Bill, telling him it was the best meal of her life, but Bill tells her he has one last thing, and pulls airline tickets out of his jacket pocket. The tickets are for Burlington, Vermont, –ahem, vampire and human marriages are legal in Vermont. Sookie, confused, asks why they’d go there, until Bill takes a black velvet box out as well, and slides it toward her on the table. She opens it and inside is an emormous rock set in an engagement ring, –Bill Compton is proposing to Sookie Stackhouse, good god almighty! I need a fan or I will surely faint! Bill says, “Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Hell, just the first six words are one hell of a proposal, but the rest of them are pretty fantastic too. Sookie tells Bill, who started out confident, that she doesn’t know what to say, her life’s inside out, she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she starts getting all choked up and sensitive and chattery, and Bill is just like, “What?” Poor man.  She brings up the topic of what’s going to happen when she gets old, which is definitely an interesting question, but Bill assures her that he wants her just how she is, and Sookie argues tearfully that she doesn’t even know what she is!

Lordy, have a tissy fit, why don’t you? Bill asks if she’s saying no, but she yelps that she isn’t, she doesn’t know, and for sobbing out loud, finally gets up and goes to the ladies room to clean herself up. In the bathroom, Sookie slips the engagement ring onto her finger, and looks in the mirror at herself wearing it. Ah, nothing like a huge diamond to wear you down; she smiles. Outside in the restaurant, Bill looks worried and frustrated, then someone wearing black gloves wraps a silver chain around his neck, and yanks him backwards. In the bathroom, Sookie is freshening her lipstick, and looking herself over, much more happy. She leaves the bathroom saying “Yes, Bill Compton I will marry you…” but trails off when she sees the evidence of a struggle in the restaurant, and the door hanging wide. She asks, “Bill?” to the empty scene. And that is where we are abandoned, –for an entire season! Gosh… don’t you feel all empty inside, knowing that you have to wait for months now to see what happens? Damn. Well, hey, there’s always the books!

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Jessica says she’s sorry, and Hoyt goes and scoops Maxine off the floor, while she groans and says that she liked being bitten. Jessica calls for Hoyt, but he tells her he should have listen to Bill when he warned him about her. Jessica looks hurt, and Maxine goes on about “enjoying that” then waves her fingers at Jessica. Hoyt hollers at Jessica, saying, “You see what you did to her?” He takes his mama and walks out the door, leaving Jessica crying. She slams the door, and screams; looks like she’s about to go into a full on meltdown. At the Queen’s “palace”, Bill and a bloody blond stare at each other across the indoor pool, when finally, the Queen returns, haughtily asking Bill what gives him the right to turn down the blood of a good woman. She tells Bill he’s a snob, and that snobs have tiny souls or tiny penises, and so on, etc. Warning you guys right now, the Queen never says anything even vaguely interesting, or informative, so you’ll just have to bear with me while I briefly summarize all her mind-numbingly boring monologues.

The Queen tells the girl on the sofa to get out, and asks Bill if he’s eaten. Before he can even get a word in edgewise, the Queen starts yammering about this Latvian boy he just has to try, and how great he tastes, and god she never shuts up. She offers to summon him, but Bill tells her no, and tries to explain that there are important things he needs to talk about. He tells the Queen he needs to know how to kill a maenad, and the Queen is for once, slightly incredulous, remarking that a maenad in Bon Temps is pretty random. Bill tells her that the maenad has caused mass hypnosis throughout the town in a matter of days, and the Queen, still casual and unconcerned, comments that the maenad must be old, then follows that up by saying that they’re all very old. Bill says, “Ancient Greece, correct?” but the Queen informs him they’re even older, and asks him if there’s been orgies, sacrifices, and –she grins here, and asks about cannibalism. Bill says they suspect so, and she says that’s just “fun!” Oh gosh, isn’t the Queen just helpful as all hell? She should edit Wikipedia!

The Queen goes back to her ancient copy of Vogue, –here’s a woman completely stuck in her own era, –and Bill stares at her for a moment before asking, “So how do I kill it?” The Queen tells him that she can’t be killed, because Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, and so she is. Bill looks at her like he might ask what the hell she’s talking about, and the Queen goes on to inform him that everything that exists imagined itself into existence. Bill tells her he isn’t ‘entirely familiar with that theory,’ and the Queen, for once emitting some semblance of intelligence, explains herself. She says, “Well, think about it. You’re a wild young girl who’s married to some jerk who treats you like property, and is also fucking some 14-year-old boy;” –Bill shifts uncomfortably, –”and then along comes this religion that convinces you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever, –whatever, –and it’s all part of ‘getting closer to God.’” Bill admits he can see the appeal, especially among humans who have a tendency towards Puritanism.

The Queen says ‘Exactly,” and continues, “So you’re fucking everybody in the dirt, why not kill something, and eat it raw? Hey, you’re super-extra-pious, there’s nothing you can’t do. And each time you do, it just brings you one step closer to the ‘divine.’” Bill looks at her and comments that thinking like that is delusional, but the Queen reminds him not to underestimate the power of blind faith; it can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics, or break them entirely. The Queen examines her nails while Bill tells her that he bit the maenad, Maryann, and her blood poisoned him. The Queen tells him of course it did; vampires can only drink human blood, and the maenad is no longer even remotely human. Bill argues that she started out that way, but the Queen tells him vampires started out human too. The Queen looks at her watch, and comments that there’s less than two hours before dawn, and asks Bill if he wants to have sex. He looks at her like she’s insane, and she tells him she was kidding, then goes on a spiel about how she hasn’t liked men in decades.

Bill tells the Queen he needs to get back to Bon Temps, but she “insists” he stay the day, and leave the next night; Bill acquiesces. At Lafayette’s Tara is working herself up over wanting to go back and get Eggs, but Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae refuse to let her leave. Tara asks why Sookie gets the option of risking her life for Bill, but she doesn’t? Lettie Mae tells her it’s better that way, and suddenly, there’s deranged laughter outside. Lafayette’s worried that Maryann is coming for Tara, and goes for his gun. Tara is still whining that she wants to get Eggs, when Lafayette returns, and says he won’t let her go back to someone who beat her, but Tara argues that it was Maryann’s influence. Lafayette doesn’t care, he tells her to sit down, aims the gun at her and tells her to shut the fuck up, then tells Sookie to give him the handcuffs in his back pocket. Sookie looks grossed out, handing purple furry handcuffs to Lafayette, who cuffs Tara to his coffee table.

Tara, still a vicious bitch, tells Lafayette he’s just jealous because she found love, and he never will, then calls him a freak. Lettie Mae tries to tell Tara that it was only for her own good, but Tara tells her “You too, you don’t want me to be happy because you never were!” Lettie Mae swears she only wants Tara to be happy, but Tara turns to Sookie and tells her that she had to settle for a dead man. Sookie looks disgusted with Tara, and asks her if that’s suppose to get Sookie on her side. More laughter from outside, and Lafayette says he’s going out on the porch to make sure “that devil woman” doesn’t try to get in, and Sookie asks if he thinks she’d try. Lafayette tells her, based on experience no doubt, that if something supernatural wants you, it doesn’t wait for you to come to it. Tara stares at Sookie hatefully, and Sookie leaves her and follows Lafayette out. Lettie Mae sits on the couch and starts bawling, while Tara looks at her and hollers “You are kidding me! This ain’t happenin to you!” Tara has a point there, her mother gets worked up real easy.

Jason, Andy and Sam are trying to clean up inside the bar a little bit, and Jason asks if Sam can really turn into any animal, any time. Jason tells Sam that’s cool, but Andy says they still have a maenad they need to deal with. Sam tells them there’s no way to deal with Maryann, and the best thing to do is leave. Jason suggests getting the law involved, but Andy pipes up and says “I am involved!” Jason asks what happened to Sheriff Dearborn, Kenya, and “that other guy, the squirrely one?” –This makes me wonder if the guy who plays Jason has ever heard a southerner say the word “squirrely” out loud. FYI buddy, we pronounce it “skwerly.” Andy tells him that the sheriff’s station was wide open, and they ain’t gonna help. Jason makes up his mind right then that they’re gonna “be the law.” Mhmmm. Jason tells them that “this is Armageddon, this is the oral history of the zombie war! We need weapons.” Sam tells Jason firmly, in small words, that guns won’t hurt Maryann, and they can’t shoot anyone else, because these people are their friends and neighbors.

Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sam, “Sometimes you need to destroy somethin to save it.” Sam stares at him, and Jason says, “That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.” Poor Jason, lord have mercy. Outside, two kids at the window run into the woods, just as Sam catches sight of them. Sam follows them out, telling them not to be afraid, and to come on out. Coby and Lisa, Arlene’s kids, come out of the woods, dirty and scared, asking if their mama is there. When Sam tells them she isn’t they’re relieved, and ask him to help them hide, and make them something to eat, since they haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Sam agrees, and starts to lead them back to the bar, when Jason and Andy come down the hill. Jason announces that they’re taking off, to go to the sheriff’s office and arm themselves. Sam warns them that it’s too dangerous, and they argue for a bit, but Jason insists. Sam tells Jason he’s a damn fool, twice even, and Jason runs into a tree and smacks his head before angrily calling out at Sam, “You’re welcome for me saving your life!” Sam ignores him, as he takes the kids inside to eat. Jason gets in the truck, and says “Can you believe that? What an asshole,” Andy, who’s joined him, says “Welcome to my world, Jason.”

While Jason and Andy head off to get killed, Lafayette stands on his porch, gun at the ready, while Sookie sits. She asks if he at least wants to sit down, but he refuses. Sookie’s phone buzzes; she got a five hour old text message from Bill, and declares that she’s getting a new cell phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette, incredulous, asks if she’s working for Eric; Sookie brushes him off with an ‘mhm’, and tells him Bill won’t be back until tomorrow. Lafayette remarks that they better not count on Bill to rescue them. Inside, Tara is working on her mother, trying to convince to let her out of the handcuffs, and it’s working, –Tara promises to forgive Lettie Mae for everything if she turns her loose. Tara’s mother goes on her knees to prey, and outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head. Sookie tells him it was like there were no limits, that anything could and would happen, that you could feel your insides expanding, and an emptying out of everything at the center of your being, and you don’t want it to stop, ever. Lafayette says “Damn that sounds nice.”

At Merlotte’s, Sam gives the kids sandwiches and chips, promising there’s more if they want it. Lisa asks Sam what’s wrong with their mama, and Sam admits that he doesn’t know, but he thinks she’s sick. Coby asks if she’s blind, and Sam says maybe sometimes. The kids worry that she’s going to die, but Sam reassures them that Arlene won’t die. Sam asks if Arlene has ‘been sick’ in front of them a lot. They tell him that she doesn’t seem sick, she seems crazy, that she’s always kissing Terry, and doing other gross stuff when her eyes get weird. They start pestering Sam, who gets steadily more clueless, about getting their mama a doctor, or something to make her like she used to be, or a vampire, and they agree that a vampire would know what to do, then they ask where Vampire Bill is, but Sam, overwhelmed, admits he doesn’t know where Bill is. They ask if he knows any other vampires, and Sam gets that “well, damn…” look on his face. On Lafayette’s porch, Sookie asks how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever.

Sookie asks Lafayette how that happened, and Lafayette tells him Eric made him drink his blood. Sookie tells him that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood as well, but then asks if Lafayette has had any “dreams.” Lafayette looks at her funny, and asks how she’d know that. Sookie asks what kind of dreams, and Lafayette tells her about freaky but fantastic sex dreams, which is weird because Lafayette hates Eric. Lettie Mae comes running out of the house, sobbing, which interrupts them. Lettie Mae tells them that one of them needs to go sit with Tara while she keeps guard, because Tara can’t hurt them as much as she hurts her. Sookie denies it, but Lafayette asks if Lettie Mae will  shoot herself. She tells him to respect her, since she’s the one who taught him how to shoot a gun. After some deliberation, and finding out that Lettie Mae used to shoot at cats that shit in her yard, Lafayette hands Lettie Mae the gun. Wrong thing to do. She turns the gun on him and hollers to Tara that she’s got the gun.

Lettie Mae tells Lafayette to go unlock Tara’s handcuffs, but he refuses. She fires the gun into the porch roof, and Lafayette collapses in a panic attack. Sookie hisses at Lettie Mae that Lafayette was recently shot. Lettie Mae ignores her, and tells her to go unlock Tara’s cuffs, but Sookie argues and tells her that she’s already seen what Maryann is like. Lettie Mae tells her that she has a chance to win her baby back, and she’s obviously taking it. Sookie gets the keys from the paralyzed Lafayette, and goes inside, giving Lettie Mae a venomous look as she goes into the house to unlock Tara. Outside, Lafayette is having a spaz attack, imagining Eric’s head on Lettie Mae’s body, saying all kinds of nasty things to him, and getting closer, threatening to shoot him, and kill him, and so on. Poor Lafayette. But seeing Eric in a dress is definitely worth the price of admission; or in this case, the ridiculous price of premium channels on cable or satellite. Sookie and Tara coming out, while Lafayette is huddled behind a lawn chair, hiding his eyes. Sookie asks what the hell Lettie Mae did to him, and she says nothing, but Sookie goes to Lafayette to comfort him.

Lettie Mae tells Tara to go, and never forget that she did this for her. Tara runs down the stairs, but turns and asks Sookie for her keys. Sookie gives them to her, and tells her she’s being a fucking idiot. Agreed all around, good god. Why in the hell is Tara so god damn important anyway? She’s barely in the books, and yet, she takes up at least 1/3 of the show with her dramatic bullshit, and all she does is bitch, and whine, and bitch and whine, and cuss people out, and bitch and whine! Can we please have less of Tara’s annoying ass in the 3rd season?! Please! Tara takes off in Sookie’s car, while Jason and Andy head to the sheriff’s office. Jason and Andy discuss whether Sam, as a dog, screwing another dog, is bestiality, or just nature, when they pull up at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Office and see a woman in her underwear running around with toilet paper in her hand. Jason tells Andy they gotta fix things, and there’s no way he’s gonna let weird shit like this take over his town. Jason gets out of the truck, and Andy follows him. Inside, some dingy bitch is telling someone on the phone, “You dialed 911 and got me, oh honey, you are fucked.” Yeah, no doubt.

Rosie hangs up to go rub up against ‘Detective Bellefleur,’ then sees Jason and practically tackles him, asking if he’d like to get fucked every which way but north… Andy tells him to come on, but Jason explains that he can keep her from telling anyone else that they’re here. Andy sees the sense in that, and takes off to get “the heat” while Rosie promises to turn Jason inside out, while climbing all over him and grunting. Inside the weapons room, Andy unlocks a gun locker, and loads up on shotgun shells, but suddenly, a gun fires off behind him. Bud Dearborn is standing there with no pants, gun in hand, asking Andy to dance with him. Bud drags Andy over and starts line dancing with him, and Andy manages to get the gun away from him. Before Sheriff Dearborn can kick up much of a fuss about losing his gun, he declares he has to take a dump, and runs off laughing, with one hand over his ass. Andy looks as disgusted as the rest of us are. Outside, on Lafayette’s porch, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is shaking, and Sookie hollers that he’s traumatized. Lettie Mae says, and truthfully, that she is too.

Sookie leans down and whispers to Lafayette, that she’s fixing to do something, and needs him to move fast; she asks him if he can grab the gun as soon as Lettie Mae drops it, and Lafayette says he can. Sookie asks Lettie Mae if she can lower the gun, because Lafayette is freaking out. As soon as Lettie Mae lowers the rifle, Sookie fast as all hell, snatches a heavy ash tray, and with dead aim, throws it right at Lettie Mae’s head. Smash, dead on, cold cocked the bitch! Daaaay-um! Lettie Mae drops the gun, Lafayette grabs it, and he and Sookie take off to go get Tara, while Lettie Mae hollers that it isn’t her fault. At Fangtasia, Sam waits in his Jeep with Lisa and Coby; Lisa asks Sam if he knew her daddy, and Sam, if possible, is even more uncomfortable. He tells Lisa that her daddy and Arlene split up before he came to town, but that he had heard about him. Lisa asks what Sam heard, and Sam tells her he’d heard he was a wild card, with a big personality.

Lisa says that she doesn’t even know what her daddy looks like, because Arlene cut him out of all their pictures. All she knows is that “his name is Dwayne, and he tattooed mama’s name on his stomach.” Sam leans back and tells her, “Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.” That made me giggle; you’re damn right it hurt. Sam looks back at the entrance, and spies none other than Ginger walking in. He gets out of the Jeep and tries to catch her at the door, hollering excuse me, –Ginger starts screaming, as Ginger is often known to do. Poor thing. Sam tells her she doesn’t have to be scared of him, that he’s just there to see Eric. Ginger tells him that Eric won’t be there till after dark, and Sam stares at her for a moment before saying, “Well, obviously,” then tells her he has two kids in the car, and asks if he can wait inside with them. Ginger tells him no, that she can’t let anyone in without Eric’s permission. Sam offers her $100, and Ginger most likely accepts, because, God bless her, she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box.

On the road to Sookie’s house, Lafayette drives with the rifle in hand, and Sookie offers to hold it, but Lafayette is still a bit tweaked out, and tells her no. Sookie asks if he’s okay, and he tells her no. Sookie tells him flat out that she needs him to get his shit together, because she can’t do this alone. Lafayette tells her he knows, and Sookie tells him they need to get in, get Tara, and get the hell out, and Lafayette shakily agrees. Sookie tells him that if Maryann gives them any trouble, he has to shoot her; again, shaky agreement from the traumatized Lafayette. Sookie tells him firmly that she means it, to shoot Maryann in the head. Bet that’d do a lot of good, since Maryann is frigging bulletproof, and vampire proof, and apparently, food-poisoning proof, what with all the nasty shit she’s been doing with dead thing, and stuff. At Sookie’s house, Tara approaches Eggs, and tries to get the loopy, black-eyed zombie to go out with her, but Maryann approaches, and tells Tara that everything she wants is right there, then tries to welcome her back, but Tara isn’t having it.

Tara tells Maryann that she doesn’t know what she is, but she wants out. Maryann tells her it’s too late for that, and Tara hollers that she made her eat someone’s heart. But Maryann says she loved it, to admit it. Tara tells her that her and Eggs have nothing to do with what’s going on, if it’s Sam she wants. Maryann then reveals that it was Tara who summoned her; in the woods, at Tara’s fake exorcism, Maryann says Tara was seeing her, or herself, through Maryann. Maryann tells her that even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, she still called up the energy to summon Maryann with her ritual. Maryann does the vibrator impression, but Tara hollers that it won’t work on her anymore. Maryann walks up to Tara, smiles, and punches her in the face. When Tara lifts her head, her eyes have gone black again. Well, what a fucking waste of time it was, getting her back to normal. Tara grins, and Maryann giggles, saying “That’s more like it,” –Eggs and Tara go upstairs to screw, when suddenly, the mob that witness the “smiting” of Sam Merlotte comes pouring in, to report for “debriefing.”

Terry, Arlene, and Mike Spencer tell Maryann what happened, and she calls them all fucking morons, then somehow makes a really nasty noise like nails on a chalkboard. They all scream and howl, and Maryann screams at them to get out, then decides to just get Sam herself. At the sheriff’s office, Jason has Rosie tied to a chair with phone cord. She offers to blow him, while he tries to get information about ammo and weapons out of her, but all she wants to do is get dirty. Jason tells her he wouldn’t feel right about it; damn right, she’d probably bite your dick off. Kevin sneaks up behind Jason and puts a gun to his head, asking what the game is with one bullet in the gun, and you don’t know if it’ll go off or not, “Chinese Firedrill?” Jason tells him it’s Russian Roulette, while Rosie cheers for Kevin, “the squirrely deputy”, to shoot Jason, so she can see what happens to his head. Kevin pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. Andy comes out of nowhere, and tells Kevin to drop the gun, but Kevin aims at Andy and fires, –the gun goes off this time. Andy goes down, and Jason tackles Kevin, calling him a stupid fucker, and wrestles the gun away from Kevin, ready to shoot.

Andy tells Jason it’s okay; he’s wearing Kevlar. Jason asks Andy if he has one for him, but Andy only has the one. Jason is put out, and looks over at Rosie, who appears to be screwing her chair. At the Fortenberry house, Hoyt watches his mama as she makes a big mess of casserole with all kinds of nasty shit in it. Hoyt goes to see what she’s doing, as she adds hot sauce to a bunch of candy bars, chips, shredded cheese, and other gross shit. Hoyt tells her nobody’s gonna eat it, but she assures him that “He will,” and they have to hurry. Hoyt tells her they ain’t going anywhere, and she starts babbling about what’s going to happen to Maryann when”He” shows up. Hoyt tells her again they’re not going, and that when his daddy died, he promised her he’d take care of her, but Maxine blows him off. Hoyt tells Maxine that he’s already let too much bad happen to her, and she says he hasn’t let enough bad happen to her, that she’s always wanted to go to Merlotte’s, get drunk and get a man, but no, –she snarls, that she had to take of Hoyt, and shoves him.

Hoyt tells her that she isn’t herself right now, –instead of telling her there isn’t a state of inebriation that exists that would induce someone to sleep with her. She tells him that he’s as much of a pansy as his daddy, and Hoyt argues that his daddy was a hero. Uh oh, things get nasty real soon. Maxine tells Hoyt bitterly that she thinks his daddy was a homosexual, because he liked to dance so much, and that he killed himself, was a secret drinker, and that she lied about him being shot by a burglar for the insurance money, –then calls him a dumbass. Good god, what a bitch. Outside of Sookie’s house, we’re treated to a full frontal view of a naked old fat guy, dancing around the big smelly statue of rotting gross shit. Sookie tells Lafayette that Gran lived and died in that house, and now it’s like people who are the exact opposite of everything Gran was, are defiling her. Sookie goes on, that even though she was almost raped in Dallas, this was worse. Lafayette tells her they can’t help it, they’re not doing it on purpose, –they’re not themselves.

Sookie tells Lafayette that the first time she met Maryann she knew there was something seriously wrong about her, that Maryann was thinking creepy foreign stuff, and she could tell it wasn’t good. Lafayette tells Sookie she couldn’t have stopped her, but Sookie asks why there’s so much wrong in the world, why so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people. He tells her it’s because they’re weak. Sookie tells him she isn’t, or afraid, and she’s going to kick that bitch’s evil ass out of her Gran’s house, and that he is going to shoot her. Lafayette agrees, “in the fuckin’ head.” Arlene hollers that they’re trespassing, and have to pay a fine, –from above them where her and Terry are sitting on a tree branch. Hm, pretty weird. They jump down, and Arlene tells them that the fine is $100 million, and Lafayette’s pants. Terry tries to take Lafayette’s gun, but he offers them drugs instead. Arlene tells him she does not take drugs, thank you, but Terry asks what he has.

Lafayette whips out his little bag of pills, but Arlene stops Terry and tells him drugs are for losers. Terry assures her it’ll make sex “real nice,” so Arlene agrees, thrusts out her hand, and says gimme at Lafayette. He starts tossing pills at them, and Sookie tells them she’s going in through the back porch. Lafayette promises to come in behind her, when he’s done with Terry and Arlene. At Fangtasia, Eric asks why he should help Sam, a “shifter”, –ooh, guess vampires don’t like them. Sam tells him because they need his help, and one day, he’ll pay him back. Eric asks if Sam can get him Sookie Stackhouse, –Pam rolls her eyes, –but Sam says no. Eric brings up the fact that Sam isn’t friendly towards vampires, and asks why he should trust Sam. Sam says because until someone starts trusting someone else, then everybody is a target, ripe for the picking. Eric admits he has no knowledge of the maenad, but he suspects it was the bull-headed creature that passed through recently, and Pam says “that thing owes me a new pair of shoes.” Well, Maryann doesn’t really wear shoes, but maybe she has a Sears card Pam can borrow.

Sam asks if Eric will help them or not, and Eric says he does know someone who might have some information, –but only might. Hmmm, Bill said the same thing about the Queen. Gosh, apparently, everybody thinks the Queen is a useless pain in the ass.  Coby asks Eric if they can see his fangs, and Eric shows them. Lisa leans back, and Eric asks her if she likes vampires. Sam hollers at Eric, but he ignores him. Lisa tells Eric that their almost-step-daddy hated vampires, but they don’t. Coby nods, and says “He went on vacation with Jesus.” Pam states “You make me so happy I never had any of you.” Eric tells her come on, they’re funny, they’re like humans but miniature. “Teacup humans.” That’s hilarious, I giggled. Pam says in Eric’s language, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” Eric answers her, “But delicious.” Aww, jeez, poor kids. Sam interrupts them and asks if he can call the person who might have information, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has to leave right away. Eric offers to walk them out, while Pam calls behind them, again in Eric’s language, ” Please get those horrible things out of here. I’ll be smelling them for a week.” Eric chuckles as he walks out.

Sam confirms that Eric has his cell phone number, and Eric tells him he’ll let him know if he finds anything out. He leans over and tells the kids, “Good night tiny humans,” then winks, and flies straight up in the air. The kids are amazed, but Sam is done with all that shit. He packs the kids into the car, looking around, all paranoid. On the back porch, at Sookie’s house, Jane Bodehouse is singing the weird chant to the tune of ‘Row Your Boat’, while sawing off one of her fingers. As Sookie enters, she holds it up for her to see, and declares that it’s a present. Sookie swallows, tries to smile some, and walks quickly away, into the filthy kitchen. A man is sitting in the kitchen sink, naked, messing around with what looks like, something’s intestines. Suddenly, Mike Spencer grabs Sookie’s ankle, and asks her if she remembers when her Gran was laying there, all bloody and dead. Sookie stares at him and says, “Of course I do.” He tells her to come down there with him, but Sookie tells him no, and tries to pull away.

Mike Spencer starts screaming, is joined by the nut in the sink, then Jane Bodehouse too; Sookie joins Mike on the floor so he’ll shut up. Mike tells her she smells good, and Sookie replies “You don’t, not at all.” Mike declares that it makes you feel alive, being in the presence of death, and then starts asking nasty questions about her and Bill. He tells her it ain’t natural and it ain’t right, –Sookie says he’s in no position to say what’s natural or right. While Sookie cuddles with the fat, smelly Mike Spencer on the floor, Bill is sitting with the Queen, in sunglasses, and swim trunks by the pool. How utterly bizarre. She asks him what he’d like to eat, before they play Yahtzee, and gestures to the line of pretty people across the pool from them. Bill tells her he only feeds from Sookie, –the blonde by the pool turns when she hears Sookie’s name, and the Queen takes her sunglasses off, and snaps, “Why on earth would you do that?”  Bill asks, before the Queen can go off on one of her rambling monologues, if she’s told him everything, then can he leave.

Instead of answering, the Queen calls for some absolutely brainless looking guy in the line. And of course, the Queen insists that he try him. The little nerdy guys tells Bill, with an accent, “I vill have-a sex with you.” Bill tells him that won’t be necessary, and goes ahead and bites him. The Queen grins, saying with fangs out, that she loves to watch two men together. Lafayette stealthily creeps through the woods around Sookie’s house, but Maryann and Carl catch him; she calls, “Can I help you?” then goes into all the different names and qualities of ‘Horse Nettle’. She walks closer to Lafayette, and he warns her, but she keeps coming, and Lafayette shoots. Maryann holds her hand out it front of her, –the bullet glances off and hits Carl right in the head, and he drops dead where he was standing. Maryann looks over, and says poor Carl; “he didn’t advance much in this lifetime.” She continues to approach Lafayette, saying, “You cook, don’t you?” Lafayette stares at her, –and meanwhile, the Queen, Bill, her boytoy, and a girl in pigtails play Yahtzee.

Bill, looking miserable, tells the Queen he needs to leave; when the Queen ignores him he gets up to go. She says, finally, that “maenads are sad, silly things. The world changed centuries ago, and they’re still waiting for ‘the god who comes.’” Bill asks if ‘he’ ever comes, and the Queen says, “Of course not, gods never actually show up. They only exist in humans’ minds; like money, and morality.” Bill asks, if he can’t kill Maryann, how will he get her to leave the town, and the Queen answers, “She has to believe that she’s successfully summoned forth Dionysus, in hopes that he will ravish her and quite literally devour her until she’s lost into oblivion.” Bill, getting it, says, “So she seeks… death. The true death. The one thing she’s evolved beyond.” The Queen answers, “I know, ironic isn’t it? They’re really not that smart, these maenads.” Bill asks how she summons this nonexistent god, but the Queen tells him, “I never said he was nonexistent, I just said he never comes. She believes, if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him, or her, while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear. At that point when she willingly surrenders herself to him, –” Bill cuts her off, and says that’s when she can be killed.

The Queen sassily asks who the smartest boy in class is, and I swear, the dingy foreign guy almost raises his hand. Bill asks if the perfect vessel is a human, and the Queen tells him they prefer supernatural beings, –though they don’t like vampires, because their hearts aren’t beating. She rambles on, calling maenads idiots, until a security guard approaches; she excuses herself, and tells Hadley to entertain Bill. Hadley is Sookie’s cousin! She asks Bill how her cousin Sookie is, and Bill, surprised, tells her Sookie is good. Hadley tells Bill to be sure to tell her Hadley said hey, then asks how Gran is, –Bill doesn’t know what to say, but Hadley goes on to say that she’d love to talk to her sometimes, but she owes her so much money. Bill tells Hadley that he thinks it’s best if they’re not in touch, and Hadley tells him she knows, that there’s no place for her in that world anymore. Aww, poor Hadley, she seems like such a sweetypie. She tells Bill she still thinks about them though, and smiles.

The Queen turns back to the small group, and announces that Bill’s “friend”, Mr. Northman, is there. Bill says that it’s definitely time for him to go, while the mouthy blond idiot Queen, who probably screwed her way to the top anyway, blahs on about alpha male posturing, and suggests they fuck each other. Bill thanks her for seeing him, and she tells him to enjoy his restricted diet. Before Bill leaves, the Queen tells him that she looks forward to meeting “her”, –as in, Sookie. Bill smiles, nods, and leaves. The Queen resumes playing, and yay, she gets Yahtzee on her first roll. Hurray for boring dice games that go on forever! Bill and Eric meet outside, and Bill asks Eric why he’s there. Eric tells him he was hoping the Queen could tell him how to kick a maenads’ ass, and Bill asks him if he wants to do it so he can look like a hero to Sookie. Eric tells him that his paranoia is unbecoming, and asks if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill tells him no, and remarks that it was desperate and pitiful for him to trick Sookie into drinking his blood, so that she would be attracted to him. Eric reminds him, saucily, the Bill did the exact same thing the first night he met, but Bill first asks how Eric knows that, –and argues that Sookie would have died if he hadn’t.

Bill tells Eric to stay away from Sookie, or he’ll tell the Queen that Eric is making humans sell vampire blood. Eric tells Bill he wouldn’t, sober now, and Bill says he won’t, as long as Eric stays away from Sookie. Eric tells Bill that he doesn’t like threats; Bill reiterates the sentiment. Jason and Andy park in the woods, aways from Sookie’s house. Andy asks why they’re parking so far away, and Jason explains that it’s so they can sneak up on them. He hands Andy an energy bar and tells him to load up on carbs. Jason looks like he’s thinking, and god, then he starts saying his thoughts out loud; he asks Andy if Sam could turn into a chicken, and then lay his own eggs, asking how weird it would be to eat somethin’ that just came out of him. Andy looks at him, disgusted, and asks what kind of perverted brain would even think of something like that. Jason tosses his energy bar away, and asks Andy why he never liked him, if it’s because of how much pussy he gets, because, “I ain’t takin any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.”

Andy tells Jason that it isn’t about pussy, he just thinks Jason has had it too easy; like being all-state quarterback. Jason counters that it wasn’t easy, and he’s starting to have knee issues, before he’s 30. He asks Andy what else, and Andy admits that women do just throw themselves at him. Jason tells him that isn’t easy either, he watches a ton of porno to learn things, and he works out a lot. Jason asks again, what else, but Andy has nothing to say. Jason says, “Look, my best friend killed my grandma, and my girlfriend. I come from no money! My mama and my daddy died when I was 11!” –Andy interrupts, “so did mine!” Jason cuts him off and says, “Your daddy died in Vietnam, and your mama ran off with some Yankee race car driver! Now you may hate me Andy Bellefleur, you may think you’re better than me, and maybe you are, but you and me are the ones who have received the calling to save this town! So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.” They agree that it’s all up to them, –and God save us if it is, they sure do sound determined. The blind leading the blind.

They get out of the truck after some testosterone infused deliberation, donning shotguns and bandoliers, and head out. Sam is alone, sitting on the steps of his trailer behind the bar, when Bill zips up to him. They face each other, and say nothing for a moment. On the floor at Sookie’s house, Mike is telling her that he’s always hated blood, that he never wanted to be a coroner, or undertaker, –that he wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain. Sookie suggests that they “just do it already,” but only on the condition that she gets to be on top. Mike says that’s fine, since it’s better for his back anyway. Sookie straddles him, grabs an iron pan out of the sink, and bashes him on the head. Mike Spencer’s head drops like a rock, and he’s out like a light. Sookie runs out of the kitchen, and up the stairs, where she finds, in her room, a man modeling one of her dresses in the mirror. He asks if it’s too much and she backs out, closing the door behind her, muttering “way too much.” Good god, I’d say so, unless he’s going to be on-stage with Marilyn Manson anytime soon. Sookie heads down the wall to her grandmother’s room, where Tara and Eggs are smashing everything sight. Those fuckers.

Now, if I saw that shit, there isn’t a force on this earth that could keep me from shooting them, friends or not, aware of what they’re doing or not. It’s not murder to shoot them in the legs, it’s maiming; and I would definitely maim someone breaking my gramma’s things. Sookie wrestles with Tara over some of Gran’s knitting left in a chair, but Tara snatches it away, declaring that it’s for the nest. On the bed, in a giant nest, is a huge effing egg, –what the hell laid that? Someone reaches out and touches Tara on the shoulder; Lafayette asks where she’s been, that he was looking for her. Sookie sees that his eyes are black, and screams. And that’s where they leave us! Huge effing eggs, zombified Lafayette, Jason and Andy coming to the rescue, Bill and Sam having a quiet moment together, and Eric meeting the Queen. Ooh, whatever will the season finale hold for us? You’ll find out, be patient. ;)

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Inside the blown up nest, Isabelle is among those to immediately begin helping the wounded, while Sookie lays stuck under Eric. She rolls Eric off her, declaring he weighs a ton and she couldn’t breathe; once he’s off her, she hollers for Jason. Jason stumbles out of the hallway, shaking bits of vampire or person off his hands, and gives her a thumbs up. Eric groans, and Sookie turns back to him, he tells her pitifully that he had to shield her, and Sookie tells him to hurry up and heal, but he says he can’t, because it’s silver. She offers to get Godric, but he grabs her, and says “no time.” He tells her to suck it out, but Sookie tells him she can’t, “…it’s too gross, and it’s… you.” Eric groans that he’s dying, he flops back, and wheezes, so Sookie straddles him, cursing, and begins sucking a piece of silver shrapnel out of him. She spits it out, and he points again “other one…” Sookie groans, and says, “You’re kidding me!” but bends over, and begins sucking another piece out. Eric turns his head to the camera, and grins. Oh, you bad boy.

Outside, Bill tells the boy he bit to tell the cowards who sent them that a vampire showed mercy when they had none, and releases the kid. Inside, Jason stamps out a bit of flame on the floor, and looks at half of Luke’s hand, on the floor, softly saying, “Luke.” Aww. Isabelle approaches Godric, and he asks, “Who’s dead?” Isabelle tells him Stan (aww, bummer, I liked Stan; he was cute), Paolo, Catherine, and two human companions. Bill approaches Sookie and Eric on the floor, looking disgusted, and asks, “What’re you doing?” Sookie tells him, and Eric comments, “she was superb.” Bill explains that Eric was in no danger, and already healing; Eric smiling, says, “A tiny falsehood.” Sookie looks back and forth between them, and Bill continues, saying that the bullets would have forced their way out by themselves, and now Eric has forced her to drink his blood. Sookie starts hollering “No!” –a few times, pretty irate, and Bill continues that now, they’re connected, and Eric will be able to sense her emotions. Sookie hollers “You big lying a-hole!” at Eric, who says, “Bill, you’re right, I believe I can sense her emotions.” This made me crack up. That, and that the whole time they’re having this discussion, chunks of someone is falling off the wall behind Bill.

Sookie hits Eric in the stomach, and goes over to Bill, and swears she’ll never do anything for Eric again, then calls him a monster. Bill tells Sookie that it’s not her fault, while Eric gets up, and says “I think I’m gonna cry,” with no small amount of sarcasm. Isabelle calls for everyone’s attention, and Jason more firmly calls for everyone to listen up, while Godric tells them all to go to the Hotel Carmilla, where security has been alerted. People limp off, Sookie tries to clean Eric’s blood off her, and Bill gives Eric a dirty look, and Eric looks quite pleased with himself despite the circumstances. Godric looks around at the mess for a moment, before leaving as well. At the hotel, Bill sits looking moody, when Sookie comes out of the shower, declaring she should kick herself for being so stupid. Bill admits that Eric did take bullets for her, and that at least they came out of it alive. Sookie says she knows better than to believe anything Eric says, and grossed out, says, “I sucked his chest, what is wrong with me?!” while Bill looks like he’s about to puke. He tells Sookie Eric has had a thousand years to practice deceit, that he lied to prove his power to Bill, and that Eric only counted on her goodness, so there is no shame in that.

Sookie tells Bill again, that she tried to spit most of his blood out, but some of it must have gone down, and the worst of things was that he’d always know how she felt and where she was. Bill looks grim, and says no, that’s not the worst. He explains, with much difficulty, that she shouldn’t be surprised if she starts feeling attracted to Eric. Sookie looks disgusted and makes a face, when she says ‘to Eric?’, and states that it’s impossible because she can’t stand him. Bill tells her it is possible, it’s a consequence of the blood, and would have happened sooner or later, that Eric was determined to form the bond with her. Sookie angrily states that she could kill him; not just as an angry comment, but as a suggested solution; Bill states, “I concur.” At Bill’s house, Jessica nd Hoyt are discussing her problem; Jessica states that she might get used to it, that there might be an operation, and Hoyt reminds her that intercourse isn’t the only way to have sex, but Jessica says she wants to have intercourse. Jessica tells Hoyt he should break up with her, but Hoyt says “Hell no, that thing that grows back is just a thing,” and he tells her he isn’t perfect either, that people, even his friends, laugh at him, but she never has. He goes on, and tells her he never wants to hear her talk about breaking up, and Jessica promises she won’t.

Hoyt tells Jessica that she means so much to him, that he wants her to meet his mama. Oh gee, that sounds like fun. Jessica gets all happy and excited, but Hoyt warns her that his mama hates vampires, and she might ask her a bunch of personal questions, or might not talk to her at all, which would make her lucky. No shit. Jessica tells him she doesn’t care what Hoyt’s mama does, that he’s introducing her to his family, and she never even hoped for that. Hoyt tells her that he’s proud that she’s his girl, and Jessica gives him a kiss. Aww, how cute. Jessica pulls away and yawns, tells Hoyt the sun’s coming up, so she has get in the damn cubby hole. Hoyt offers to go down there with her, but she tells him it’s not very comfortable. Hoyt says he’ll build them a tricked out double-wide, and Jessica says that’s so romantic. More romantic than a tricked out single wide? Hoyt promises to sit right there until she falls asleep, and Jessica tells him he’s the sweetest boy in the world, and too good to her; Hoyt says “Ain’t no such thing.” Aww, could you just die? Jessica goes into her little hole to sleep, and Hoyt sits down and sings to her.

At Sookie’s, Tara and Eggs are at breakfast, all bashed up with bruises on their faces. Maryann wanders in and asks how much they drank this time, but Tara tells her nothing, and Eggs agrees. Maryann says maybe they dropped some acid, since it was floating around, and calls them hippies; Eggs looks over, pissy and tells her that isn’t funny. Tara confirms, and says it’s embarassing, but Maryann gets all hoity toity, and declares she’ll never understand people getting embarassed about pleasure and laughter, or be ashamed of letting go. Tara says because she’s never been so out of control, and Maryann goes off again, stating that control is just a social cage for blocking out individuality, –Tara argues that there has to be some control or everything would just be chaos. That suits Maryann fine, and Eggs agrees that he likes a little chaos. Maryann comes over and sympathizes, “Of course you do,” hurray for chaos. Tara, however, doesn’t back off, and tells her flat out that she doesn’t want to black out, and Maryann asks if that’s really what she thinks is happening, and that she thinks they only rose to a higher state of consciousness.

Tara points out that they’re all beat up, and that there’s nothing “higher” about that, except for that they must have been high; she goes on to say that her mother used to black out for months at a time, she’s a black out expert. Maryann asks “Are you?” and without missing a beat, Tara answers “Certified.” Maryann asks what about the saints of India, and the mystics of other religions, who would black out and do all kinda crazy shit. Eggs and Tara stare at her, and Eggs asks “What about em?” Maryann says that everyone thought they were crazy, –Tara says they were, but Maryann disagrees, as if Tara was 12 and arguing with her about gas prices. Maryann gets all blurry eyed and says they were ecstatic, dissolving into infinity and losing themselves with god, etc.. Eggs and Tara continue to stare at Maryann as if she’s nuts, and she gets up and goes to the fridge to retrieve some vodka and tomato juice. She pauses, looks down on them, and says a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss; then she offers them a Bloody Mary. Sure, why not, it’s only about 8:00 in the morning.

At the sheriff’s department, Bud Dearborn is walking through the jail while everyone hollers to be let out, and by everyone, I mean half the town; one cell full of women, one cell full of men, and Sam Merlotte, hollering that Bud has no evidence, and no right to keep him locked up. At the hotel, Sookie is just waking up beside a sleeping Bill. She leaves the room, and knocks on Jason’s door, telling him she can’t sleep; Jason admits he can’t either, and lets her in. They sit, talking about how things were at home, and why Jason was at the Fellowship; because it seemed to him, before they tried to kill him, that they liked him for himself, and that they stopped him from thinking about other stuff. Sookie asks him what he means, but he won’t say. Sookie asks him with all the hateful things he was learning over there, if he didn’t once stop and ask himself what Gran would say. Jason cuts her off, and says he won’t talk about Gran. Sookie asks why, and Jason tells her it’s because he doesn’t want to feel anything.

Sookie tells Jason that they have to talk about Gran; they can’t stop talking about her, remembering her, or loving her even if it hurts too much, because Gran would never have stopped loving them. Jason agrees, and Sookie tells him that they have to keep her alive in their hearts, and prayers. Jason asks, “And Mama and Daddy?” and Sookie takes his hand and tells him that’s right. A tear rolls down Sookie’s face, and Jason says sadly that their whole family is gone, everybody who counts, and they’re all alone, all that’s left. Jason is beginning to cry too, which means Sookie’s crying, Jason’s crying, –god damn it, I’m crying, are you crying? Sookie tells Jason that they have to grow up, stick together, and be good to each other, otherwise they’re letting their parents and Gran down. Jason nods, and turns to sit across from Sookie, and tells her he’s sorry about everything he ever did to her, that he’s a dumbass, a fuckup; Sookie tells him he wouldn’t be if he used his brain instead of just letting it take up space in his skull; she tells him that’s not dumb, that’s just lazy.

Jason sniffles and tells Sookie he’ll try, and she tells him she’s sorry too, that she always loves him, even when she wants to stick his head in a bucket and kick it round the yard. Jason tells Sookie he loves her too, even though he wishes she’d cook for him more, and was normal, and had a normal boyfriend. They lean back, and Sookie turns on the TV; Sarah and Steve Newlin are on the news already, facing Nan Flanagan’s accusation that they kidnapped a prominent member of the vampire community, but the Newlins argue that Godric came to them. Nan Flanagan states that “yeah, because everyone wants to be burned at the stake,” and goes on to say that they use their religious institution as an anti-vampire terrorism enclave, and Steve interjects that the Constitution gives them the right to defend themselves. Nan states flatly that they attacked vampires first; during all this, Steve has a bright red welt on his head from being shot by Jason’s paintball gun. He accuses back that vampires killed his father, and Nan Flanagan comes back fast, saying “That’s an allegation. This is a fact: You and your church armed a suicide bomber that killed vampires and humans.” Unfortunately, Sarah Newlin is the one to talk next.

Rather than say anything that makes sense, Sarah Newlin says, “We are fighting for God’s green earth, and daytime, and Christmas,” –Steve’s trying to talk now and interrupt Sarah’s delusional rambling, but she continues, “and Easter Eggs, and all that is sacred and good. We are fighting for–” Before she can say anything else, Steve fills in the blank with “human rights.” Then the Newlins start bickering, because Steve interrupted Sarah, and Nan Flanagan looks as though she just saw two retards fighting over a white crayon, and asks, “How can you have a meaningful dialogue with these people?” Steve tells Nan she needs to read some St. Paul, and Sarah tells her she hates her hair. Jason, watching, tells Sookie, “There’s a witch, and a son of a bitc,” then tells the TV, “Fuck you Newlins.” Amen. Sookie agrees. At Merlotte’s, Arlene delivers an order to a table, where a woman with a digital camera asks to see the freezer where the dead body was found. Arlene tells them it was a walk-in refridgerator, and to go find some roadkill cuz they ain’t eatin there. She takes their food back, and a big cranky man asks Arlene for silverware. She tells him to get himself, and answers the phone, hollering at her daughter that all she needs is the microwave to make lunch.

Lafayette approaches, and Arlene tells him she’s ’shit scared’, after what happened to Daphne, even though she was clumsy, stupid, and mean, she wouldn’t wish that kinda death on a possum. Arlene downs the shot that Lafayette hands her, and reminds him of the other body in the parking lot, frightened that maybe there’s some kind of curse flying around. Lafayette tells her if she watches out for him, he’ll watch out for her. She asks when it’s going to end, but Lafayette just shakes his head, and Terry calls ‘order up!’ from the back, followed by an “I think…” Arlene tries to talk to Terry, but he avoids her, and ignores her. Arlene starts to cry, and asks if what they did was so terrible, –but Terry hollers no, and tells her not to cry, and says “I didn’t mean to be… peculiar… at you.” He explains that he just doesn’t know what they did, and Arlene asks if they had sex, but they both agree that neither of them can remember. Terry asks if that’s good, but Arlene is just happy he isn’t mad at her, and Terry says, he can’t remember the last time he had sex with anybody.

Arlene asks Terry for some sugar, but some bitch hollers for corn in the dining area, ruining the whole moment. Arlene gives Terry a cute look and a “see you later”, then goes on to take the orders out. Tara and Eggs enter Merlottes, all bouncy and happy with themselves, but Lafayette takes one look at Tara’s face and rushes over to look more closely at the bruise. Tara tells him that Eggs didn’t do it, but he’s pissed, and is full on ready to kick his ass. Tara gets between them, and Eggs lunges forward to get Lafayette, hitting Tara in the process, but Lafayette is on his ass, and the two leave. The crowd at Merlotte’s claps, and the irritating bitch with the camera takes pictures. Lafayette asks what the fuck they’re looking at, but the laughing and cheering continues. At the Fortnberry house, Maxine is fixing Hoyt a cheese and potato chip sandwich, and bitching at him about running off to Dallas, and leaving her worried sick. Hoyt is just as agitated, and tells her to go ahead and speak her mind.

Maxine asks Hoyt why he’s messing with vampires anyway, and says that they’re devils. But Hoyt interrupts, and asks her why she has so much hate in her. Maxine looks shocked, and denies it, but Hoyt gives examples of everything she hates, such as Methodists, Catholics, African-Americans, –she tells him that’s supposed to be a secret, –and a whole number of other things, like red shoes, and checkered curtains and bait, and good god almighty, Maxine is all kinda cranky, damn. Hoyt finishes by saying every girl he ever liked, and the more he likes a girl, the more Maxine hates them. Maxine says she just objects to him having a girlfriend that will kill him and eat him, –that actually does kind of make sense,–but Hoyt states that she doesn’t even know Jessica, and says again that she is just “full of hate!” Maxine says it’s not her fault, and it’s just the way she was raised up. Mhm, never heard that one before. Hoyt tells her that Jessica might be a vampire, but she’s the one for him, and that Maxine has no say over that.

Maxine tells Hoyt that he is breaking her heart, and Hoyt hops up and tells her that he let her run him around because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but those days are over. He goes on to say he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, but if she won’t be nice, he’ll leave her house and never come back. Maxine tries to appeal to him by telling him he’s her only son, that he’s her baby boy. Hoyt hollers that he isn’t a baby, he’s a grown ass man. He takes half of his sandwich and storms out, leaving Maxine sniffling at the table. At the hotel, Sookie turns over in bed, and a finger traces her shoulder. Oh my frigging god, she laying next to Eric in bed, and they’re both butt nekkid. Could someone please give me a cold compress? I think I just might faint. They resume a conversation about why Sookie thinks she’d be a terrible vampire, and why Eric thinks she’d make a good one. Sookie says because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, she’d rather be alive than undead, and that she doesn’t feel right about them always killing people. Eric points out that she killed a man, but Sookie reminds him that was for self defense, not lunch.

Eric tells Sookie that she’d adapt, and trade the sun for the moon and stars. Sookie says she wants them all, and Eric smiles and says she’s greedy, Sookie agrees, and Eric says he loves it. Good god, he’s all kissing her hand and whatnot. Someone, fan me! Eric sits up on the pillow and tells her she has the right temperament for a vampire, and Sookie asks if it’s because she bloodthirsty, high maintenance and old as dirt. Eric agrees that she’s bloodthirsty, but Sookie says “I am not!”, and Eric says, “Everyone thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” Sookie concurs, and says “I am a darling.” Eric bets that she’s ruthless when it comes to the people she loves, such as her friends, her brother, and him, –from somewhere in the room, someone says “Bill.” Sookie sits up and asks, “Where’s Biil?” Across the room, Lorena leans over in a chair, half shadowed, and asks why Sookie cares, since she’s already abandoned him. Sookie argues that she hasn’t and she loves Bill.

Sookie falls back on the pillows, and Eric tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor; Sookie admits that she used to think Eric was cold hard stone, and empty inside. Eric asks her what she thinks now, and she says he’s a big faker, that he’s deep, he feels, and there’s love in him, –Eric replies only for Sookie, and they start making out. Lorena leans forward in the chair and says “You don’t want Bill, he means nothing to you.” Sookie sits up again and says no, but Eric pins her, and tells her this is the beginning, while Lorena chuckles in the background. Sookie doesn’t resist, she just continues making out with Eric. Anna Paquin, and everyone else that has ever made out with Alexander Skarsgard are lucky, spiteful bitches; this is my final verdict. Sookie wakes up next to Bill, looking pretty shocked. She cuddles close to her dead man, and is perhaps reminding herself that she loves Bill, not Eric. At the sheriff’s office in Bon Temps, the jail cells have overflowed into the office; people are handcuffed to the chairs.

Maryann strolls in and the people chained to the chairs are overjoyed, thinking she’s come to get them out. Maryann giggles, and says “We had a good time, didn’t we?” They all happily agree, and Maryann approaches the desk, calling “Hello?” Maryann calls for Sheriff Dearborn, who’s back in the holding area tossing another wench into the cell with all the other women.  Sam hears Maryann calling and flips out, while everyone else cheers for her. A fly buzzes around Sam’s face, then climbs into the vent. Sam takes a closer look, and gets an idea. In the lobby, Bud Dearborn offers Maryann some coffee, and she remarks that he looks exhausted; apparently, they’ve been arresting people all day and night. Maryann shakes her head and comments, “Major crime wave.” Bud tells her they’ve been out doing crazy things, mostly misdemeanors, but it’s stuff he’s never seen before, not in over forty ytears on the job. Maryann offers to talk some of them down, so that Bud can let a few of them out. He tells her he’d be grateful, and asks what he can do for her; Maryann asks about Sam, and Bud tells her he can’t let Sam out because he’s a suspect in a homicide case; he offers to take her back there, but she tells him she knows the way.

Maryann sits Bud Dearborn down and works her crazy vibrator magic on him; his eyes turn black. She takes his keys and tells him to stay. She heads back, and all the people in the holding cells holler for her, but she shouts that she wants Sam Merlotte. Mike Spencer points out Sam’s cell, but he’s gone. Maryann growls through her teeth that now, she’s really irritated. Well, I guess all those times she cut out people’s hearts, and did all that other crazy shit, she was in a good mood. She lets everyone out, still looking plenty cranky. At Merlotte’s, Maxine sits across from a nervous Hoyt, and an equally nervous Jessica, looking stony and full on ready to be a bitch. Jessica calls Maxine pretty, a vast overstatement, and declares that she’s happy that she came, though Hoyt puts in, “even if you were twenty minutes late.” Maxine uses not being able to decide on what to wear as her excuse. Hmm, I guess it was a choice between this ugly ass blue tent, or that ugly ass red tent.

Jessica sympathizes, and mentions red shoes, which makes Maxine twitch, and Hoyt bow his head a little lower. Maxine goes on to bitch about the traffic. Hoyt tries to change the subject by asking her what she wants to eat, or if she wants any more sweet tea, but Maxine says she isn’t hungry or thirsty. She leans over and tells Jessica that Hoyt is a very good boy; Jessica says she already knows, and Hoyt tells Jessica that she’s just as good as him. They start getting cute and giggly, until Maxine tells Jessica she wishes she could meet her people, to see what her family was like. Hoyt tries to interject, but Jessica explains that she was made a vampire against her will, and she has no family anymore, except for Hoyt. Maxine kicks into raging menopausal bitch mode, and says she’s sorry, that wasn’t fair, but that Hoyt has a bright future, and by bright, she means in the sun. Maxine goes on, to say that is Jessica thinks she’s just going to let her son wander around all hours of the night with an orphan vampire, then she has another thing coming. Jessica hisses and her fangs pop out; Maxine leans back.

Jessica growls and says that’s up to Hoyt, and Maxine crankily retorts that she will fight for what’s best for her boy, and Jessica says she will too, and that she can give Hoyt everything a human could. Maxine says, “Not hardly,” and Jessica asks, “Like what.” And here’s Maxine’s big nasty bitch comment of the night: She answers, “Babies.” Jessica begins to cry and runs toward the door. Hoyt stands up, pissed off, and says, “Well now you did it,” but Maxine, hard headed bitch that she is, tells him he’ll thank her one day. Hoyt throws money on the table, and says ,”Not today,” and turns to leave with Jessica. His mama calls after him, asking when he’ll be home, and Hoyt hollers never! The couple walk out, leaving Maxine there alone at the table, looking like a moron. She grabs Hoyt’s half empty beer, and takes a long drink, asking Arlene for another as she passes by. At Sookie’s house, a fly sits on the kitchen table watching Maryann, Tara and Eggs do shots and play cards. Someone knocks; Maryann calls for them to come in, and it’s Lafayette and Lettie Mae.

Tara sassily calls them “aliens”, and right away, shit turns ugly. Maryann asks who the big, sexy black man is (my phrase, baby, not hers), and Tara and Lafayette answer. Maryann invites them to join in, and Lafayette says no, Lettie Mae answers that they’ve come to take Tara away from them. They ignore them, laugh, and Maryann offers Lettie Mae a drink, asking her what she likes; Tara answers, “vodka, whiskey, hairspray, antifreeze,” while Eggs shakes his head and chuckles “damn.” Oooh, somebody needs to come up in there and do some heavy duty bitch slapping all around. Lafayette asks Tara what the fuck is wrong with her, while Maryann teases Lettie Mae with a bottle of vodka. Lafayette says he feels her, that she’s a soulless bitch, and Maryann dismisses the insult. Things get really nasty, and wicked when their eyes go black, and Tara jumps on her mama. Eggs follows, thinking that somehow, his skinny black ass is gonna whoop Lafayette; hell no. Lafayette stomps Eggs into the ground, but Tara is busy beating on her own mother. When Tara jumps attacks Lafayette, they get their chance; Lafayette throws Tara over his shoulder, and they run from the house.

Tara is pushed screaming into the car, and they speed off. Eggs, hollering too, runs after her, but Maryann holds him back, promising that Tara will return, and bring them with her. The fly, who saw it all, buzzes away. At the Hotel Carmilla, Nan Flanagan herself is bitching everybody out; all the vampires of Area 9, Eric, Bill, Sookie; asking if they have any idea of the “fucking PR mess” they’ve created, that she has to clean up. Nan states that she should drain every one of “you bastards.” Haha, nothing more sassy and evil than a vampire PR agent with a lot of speeches to write. Eric tells Nan that Stan planned the raid of the church without their knowledge, –Sookie is staring at Eric, and Eric looks her way, –and Nan replies nastily, “Really, everyone that’s known Stan in the last 300 years knew he had a kink about slaughtering humans, but you, his nest mates, his sheriff, had no idea.” Isabelle asks how they were supposed to know that Stan meant it this time, but Nan cuts her off, telling her that wasn’t her problem, and looks pointedly at Godric, stating “yours.” Eric gets tight inside, and tells Nan not to talk to him that way, but she tells Eric not to talk to her that way.

Nan wants to get to the point; she asks Godric how he was taken, and Godric says that one of them would have been taken sooner or later, so he offered him. Everyone is shocked, especially Eric. Nan asks why, Godric asks, “why do you think?” and she answers that she thinks he’s out of his mind. Then she brings up the traitor, and Godric quickly says, “irrelevant, only a rumor,” and promises to take full responsibility. Nan agrees, and Eric calls her a cold bitch. Nan turns her head, and honestly, she’s so stiff and steely, you expect her neck to creak. She tells Eric flat out, “Listen, this is a national vampire disaster, and nobody at the top has any sympathy for any of you,” –she turns to Godric, “Sheriff, you fucked up, you’re fired.” Godric nods, and agrees, suggesting Isabelle should take his place, since she had no part in his disgrace. Isabelle tells him to fight back, and Eric hollers that Nan is a bureaucrat, and that he doesn’t have to take shit from her. Nan asks Eric if he wants to lose his area, and Eric tells her she doesn’t have that kind of power. She replies, sassily, “Hey, I’m on TV. Try me.”

Isabelle speaks up, trying to shoulder blame for not containing Stan, but Godric stops her, and tells Nan he removes himself from all positions of authority. Sookie speaks up on Godric’s behalf, and tells Nan that she should thank him, from stopping what might have been an exponentially worse PR mess, and she should be thanking him. Nan asks if she should thank him for getting kidnapped, attracting a suicide bomber, piss poor judgement, –and Eric jumps up, ready to eat Nan. Isabelle puts herself between Eric and Nan, and Godric stops him, telling him it doesn’t matter. Eric and everyone else, sit back down. Nan asks to be told everything about the bombing, and Godric begins. Back at Merlotte’s Maxine is still boozing, whining about Hoyt to her friend, when Maryann enters, a wind blowing at her back, making her look all evil and nuts. She announces that “The god who comes demands his sacrifice! Where is Sam Merlotte?” Everyone’s eyes go black, and Arlene answers that Sam hasn’t been there all day; Terry calls from the bar that he was planning to leave a while ago.

Maryann does her best impersonation of Linda Blair, and shouts, “Find him and bring him to me! BRING HIM TO ME!” Roooooar! And stuff. At the local hotel, Andy is sitting on the floor boozing when outside a fly lands on his door knob. A second later there’s a knock on the door, and Andy anxiously opens the door, cracking it open to find Sam standing ther butt ass naked. Sam says, “Heard you were here,” and Andy lets him in. At the hotel, Nan declares the whole situation a fiasco, and declares that they’re lucky she doesn’t send them all to the magister. She tells Godric to come to her room to fill out the forms, but he replies that he first has something to say. “I’m sorry,” he begins, “I apologize for all the harm I’ve caused, all our lost ones, human and vampire. I will make amends, I swear.” Sookie looks at Godric, then Eric, but Nan tells Godric to “take it easy, it’s just a few signature.” After Nan leaves with her small entourage, of whom are mostly likely bodyguards, Eric stands, and tries to appeal to Godric to change his mind.

Godric tells Eric to look into his heart, and Eric knows, but still argues; Godric replies simply, “on the roof,” and follows Nan out. Bill tells Eric they have a score to settle, but Eric tells him not now. Bill disagrees, says “yes, now,” and punches Eric right in the face, then asks if he’s made his point. Eric weakly replies that it’s done, he’s a part of Sookie now, and tells Eric to get out of the way. Bill moves, and Eric leaves. Bill stares at Sookie, then wanders into the other room, flexing his hand; Sookie appraoches, stands in the doorway, and announces that she’s going to find Godric. Bill argues that none of this has anything to do with them, that Godric isn’t her problem; Sookie reminds Bill that without Godric, she wouldn’t be there. She tells him that Godric is in pain, and suffering, that she has to do something for him. Bill asks whether she thinks they’ve done enough for Dallas yet, but Sookie tells him that he of all people should know how Godric feels. Sookie asks Bill, “What if in 1800 years, you were Godric?”

Bill says all right, but demands that he go with Sookie; she tells him she refuses to let him take that chance. Bill tells Sookie that she’s tenderhearted, and he can see she feels obligated, but asks, in all honesty, what she can do for him. Sookie tells him she doesn’t know, she just has to be there. She asks Bill if he understands, and he replies that he does, kisses her, and Sookie leaves. On the roof, Sookie lingers by the stairs, while Godric tells Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric says he cannot accept that, it’s insanity. Godric tells him, “Our existence is insanity. We don’t belong here.” Eric shouts, “But we are here!” They go back and forth; God ric says it’s still not right, and Eric answers that Godric told him that there is no right and wrong, only survival or death. Godric tells him that he told a lie, as it turns out. Eric tells him that he will keep him alive by force, and Godric asks, even if Eric could, why he would be so cruel. Eric begins to cry, saying in his own language, “Godric, don’t do it.” Godric answers, the same, “There are centuries of faith and love between us.” Eric begs him, repeating ‘please’ in his language. I have to stop for a moment, because this part makes me bawl.

Eric falls to his knees, and begs Godric again, who stands while the sky begins to lighten behind him, and repeats, “Father, brother, child,” as he did when he first offered to turn Eric, a thousand years ago, and asks Eric to let him go. Eric says, “I won’t let you die alone,” but Godric says he will, and Eric sobs once more, while Godric places a hand on his head, and says, “As your maker, I command you.” Eric stands and walks toward the stairs, where Sookie waits; she takes Eric’s hand and promises to stay with Godric, as long as it takes. Eric leaves, and she goes to Godric, who says “It won’t take long, not at my age.” Sookie tells him that the whole Feelowship of the Sun part wasn’t very smart, –way to go Sookie, nice bedside manner, –and Godric says he knows that now, but that after so long, he doesn’t think like a vampire anymore. He asks Sookie if she believes in God, and she says yes. Eric asks, “If you’re right, how will he punish me?” Sookie tells him that God doesn’t punish, God forgives.

Godric tells Sookie “I don’t deserve it, but I hope for it,” and Sookie tells him we all do. Godric asks if Sookie will care for Eric, and she says she isn’t sure, “you know how he is,” and Godric smiles a little, and says he can take the blame for that too. Sookie says, “Maybe not, Eric’s pretty much himself.” The sky lightens more, and Godric faces the sun. Sookie asks if he is very afraid, and Godric says “No, no. I am full of joy,” –Sookie starts, “But the pain,” and Godric interrupts her to say, “I want to burn.” Sookie tells him, “I’m afraid for you.” Godric starts to smoke a little, and he smiles at Sookie, and says, “A human with me at the end, and human tears; 2,000 years, and I can still be surprised. In this I see God.” Sookie backs off, and cries softly, tell Godric goodbye, as the sun sets him aflame. He burns in blue fire, closes his eyes, smiles, and vaporizes into ash on the wind. And that’s where they leave us! Sitting here, crying like ninnies, waiting to see what the hell happens next. By the way, if you’re wondering why you’re getting so many direct quotes from Godric, it’s because he dies pretty fast in the series, so everything he says is important.

Related Reading:

In Every Moon There Is a Face

Blood Type O Food, Beverage and Supplemental Lists

Queen Ida and The Bon Temps Zydeco Band in New Orleans

His Small-Town Girl (Eden, OK Series #1) (Love Inspired #449)

Blood Justice (St. Martin's True Crime Library)

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 8
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6

Cue the intro music! Jace Everett is getting us in the mood for what’s to come, with Bad Things, –and this episode is going to chock full of awesomeness after all the cliffs they left us dangling off of in the last episode. Andy tries shouting and telling the naked townspeople all to freeze, but they ignore him and wander off. Andy spies his cousin, Terry Bellefleur, with Arlene, and without pants on. Andy tries to turn him around, but Terry grabs his hand, twists, and punches his wrists. Arlene claps, cackles, and bounces up and down while Terry screams something like a battle cry. Andy lays there, miserable and in pain, hollering like a stuck pig, while the two lunatics frolic off. In the Fellowship of the Sun’s basement, Sookie calls out to Godric, if he’s there, to let them know that she and Hugo were sent by Isabelle and Eric, to save him. Hugo starts getting all sissified, because he really is claustrophobic, –or maybe just worried about getting caught. Sookie ignores his rant and looks at the neat little board games down there, such as “Send Them Back to Hell” and “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator”, –I wonder if the game is based on the movie! Hugo starts freaking out more, and Sookie tries to calm him down.

Hugo suggests, once he’s done with his pussified panic attack, that maybe Stan is trying to bump off Godric and be the new sheriff, since the Fellowship idiots knew exactly who they were the minute they walked in. Sookie doesn’t think Stan would do something that crazy, but Hugo disagrees, –Sookie gets sidetracked, worrying that Bill will come crashing through the church any second, since she knows he sensed her fear. Hugo asks why she’s worried, and Sookie tells him, that they’re about to kill an ancient vampire, and who knows what else they’re capable of. At the hotel, Lorena is fighting to keep Bill in the room; all the ex’s will know this fight when they see it. In the human world this is the “how long can I keep him here before he calls the cops?” fight, but I guess with vampires police aren’t an issue, so it could go on forever. Bill reaches behind Lorena and tries to open the door, but she throws him down and pins him to the floor with a high heel firmly planted over his heart, –and you know, she’s talking all kinds of shit. Bill throws her up off him, and she falls on the floor while he runs for the door, –she gets there first though. Instead of renewing the game, Bill asks why she’s there, and she answers that she’s missed him.

Yeah, bucket loads, it looks like.  Flashback! It’s Los Angeles in 1935, and Bill is reading books, –oh no! Not books! Lorena returns from a music, bitching about how cheerful they are, –duh, –and she’s brought him home a present, one of the chorus girls, and blonde as well. The drawn on pencil thin eyebrows are making my stomach turn. Now both women are wearing them! Lorena introduces Francis the chorus girl, to Alfred, the rich tormented vampire who is actually Bill. Francis starts dancing the music on Bill’s little record player, and it’s cute but absolutely not sexy. Bill crankily turns the player off, and Lorena excuses him, because he’s “in one of his moods.” Probably guilty for killing all those people and wallerin’ around in their blood, but, nothing serious. Lorena starts to glamour Francis for him, but Bill stops her and tells her he meant what he said, “No more!” –oh, looks like Bill has given up his wild lifestyle! Lorena tries to seduce Bill with food, and while, usually it works, when it’s a person that’s the food, maybe there are hidden angles. Bill almost gives in, but tells Francis to leave before he bites her.

Lorena calls him a wet blanket, and she wonders why she bothers; Bill retorts the same, “Why do you?” and instead of answering, she suggests they move back to the south, which might pulled him out of being depressed. Bill tells her he isn’t depressed, he’s seeing clearly for the first time in years, and that he can’t stand the sight of her. Odd, –it’s only been nine years since he was butchering people cheerfully with her. Most serial killers take longer to experience a change of heart. Lorena is hurt, as much as a cold bitch like her can be, and tries to keep Bill from leaving, –he gives her the long speech about how he doesn’t want to kill innocent people anymore, and so on. But Lorena tries to tell him he’ll outgrow his conscience, and they’ll get through it, “together.” Bill grabs her and tells her he’ll never be what she wants him to be, and walks off. She grabs a lamp and throws it at him, but he catches it. Back to the future; Bill tells Lorena from the sofa that if Sookie is hurt, he’ll hunt her down and stake her. Lorena says in awe, “It’s true, you’re in love with a human,” –awww, someone’s feelings are hurt. Lorena tries to laugh it off, but we know she’s really just a big sissy.

On the hill above the Fellowship of the Sun church, Eric stands looking down with Isabelle, and states, “You’ve got to be joking me,” –he thinks their army is pathetic, but Isabelle tells him not to underestimate them, since they’re all nuts and gaining support, –and willing to die. Eric says that can be easily arranged, but Isabelle doesn’t wan to attack them until they know if Godric is there. Eric brings up Hugo and Sookie being inside too long, but Isabelle says there’s no sign of alarm, and she’d know if Hugo was in danger. Hmm, now why isn’t she feeling Hugo’s alarm bells going off? Taken hostage, trapped in a basement with a vampire? Sookie’s bells are ringing, and Bill has an excuse from gym class, –he’s fighting an angry ex this evening. But Hugo doesn’t have an excuse. Uh oh. Eric asks Isabelle why she finds human companionship fulfilling, and she tells him because humans feel more, maybe because their lives are temporary. Eric remarks that they don’t “keep well”, –ew, –and asks whether she finds the prospect of him growing old, and icky repulsive. Isabelle says no, she finds it curious, like a science project; oh, isn’t she sweet?

Isabelle asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric grumbles and says he isn’t interested in Sookie or how Bill feels, and that his only interest is finding Godric. Isabelle, all sly, just says, “of course,” but Eric tells her not to look at him like that, and changes the subject back to Godric’s inexplicable capture by the lunatics from the Fellowship of the Sun. Stan thinks it’s possible, Isabelle says, but she thinks it’s hard to believe that anything could overpower him. Eric agrees, not anything human. In the church’s balcony, Jason and Sarah are cuddled up, and Sarah is bawling again. When Jason asks why, she tells him because she’s happy, because now she knows she loves Jason, and he looks at her, finally, like she’s lost her mind. Uh, yeah, obviously. Sarah, overjoyed, gets up and tells Jason they have to go tell Steve! Just because she broke her marriage vows, doesn’t mean she’s ready to throw all her beliefs “out th’ winda!” Jason tries to stop her, seeing as how Steve has an armory in his house, and there’s the lock-in.

Sarah Newlin doesn’t get the big picture, but she does remember that she has to do the morning ceremony, and the lock-in thing as a “responsibility to God” before she can fulfill any responsibilities to her heart. She puts her panties back on and reassures him that even though she’ll be standing beside Steve, she’ll only be thinking of Jason. She runs off and leaves Jason with the “Oh, shit,” look on his face. At the hotel, Hoyt and Jessica are in bed, making out, and sex is in the air! Hoyt confides to Jessica that he’s never “done it… with a girl, I mean,” and Jessica, eyes wide, asks “What have you done it with?” Yeah, no shit, Hoyt. What the hell? He says, “myself,” and we all take a breath of relief. Jeez. Jessica says, “Oh so you’re a virgin,” and Hoyt nods like it causes physical pain to admit it. But Jessica admits that she’s one too, and she’s not a slut just because she’s a vampire. But, if she could have gotten away with it, she could have. Hoyt says he wanted to wait to have sex, until he found a nice girl, –but oops! Took him a while, didn’t it?

Jessica says she wants to be his first, –gasp! Hoyt gets all excited and Jessica puts down the shades, and drops her robe. Oh boy. Hoyt asks “Now?” but Jessica says nah, she just has to go to bed, since it’s almost dawn, but that they can cuddle. She tells him not to freak out if she looks dead. That shouldn’t be a problem, since it’s an all-the-time kind of thing. They snuggle up and Hoyt, remains in his pants. God, that must be uncomfortable. Back at Godric’s nest, Stan speculates that Sookie and Hugo have run off and maybe joined the Fellowship, but Isabelle tells him to watch his mouth, –Stan says if she cared about him, they’d have been in there hours ago. Eric, in front of them, gets shit from Stan too, but Eric isn’t taking it. He pins Stan and asks if he’s questioning Eric’s loyalty, but goes on to accuse him of murdering Godric. Isabelle stops them from fighting, reminding Eric there’s no proof. Eric turns, and tells them he doesn’t care what they, if Godric’s gone then nothing can replace his loss. A blood tear falls as he leaves. Poor Eric.

At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are sleeping off their wild night of screwing, boozing, pseudo-possession, and nearly killing a man, on the couch. Tara wakes up, and wakes Eggs, asking what the hell they’re doing on the couch. Tara, unsettled, says she doesn’t remember anything after following a trail of clothes into the woods, and Eggs doesn’t either. Eggs thinks it might be the pot, but Tara doesn’t, –even though according to Eggs, Maryann’s weed is “some serious shit.” She probably laces it with cyanide, cowboy. Tara reminds Eggs of the weird place they went yesterday in the woods, that Eggs had been to, but couldn’t remember, –Eggs cuts her off, and tells her it had nothing to do with getting high and passing out. Tara tells him she thinks they need to sober up and lay off the weed, –yeah, because you know, once it’s interfered with work, and made your life hell, making you black out is obviously over the limit. Eggs tries to comfort Tara by telling her she isn’t her mama just because she got too stoned. No, but it does make you an irresponsible imbecile who makes excuses for her actions. A-dur.

Tara tells him that sometimes it’s like he can read her mind, but Eggs tells her he just gets her. They kiss and get all cute together. Aww, egghead and the delinquent bitchy woman. So sweet. Sam Merlotte crashes into the bar, pulling a shirt over his head, and heading back to his office, looking around in paranoia to make sure no one’s fixing to jump out and get him. Shit, I would too; the whole town has lost its damn mind. He reaches up into the fireplace, and takes out a cloth wrapped pistol, ready for anything if more shit should be poured onto the fan. Steve Newlin heads down to the basement, calling, “Mornin!” and offers Sookie and Hugo ‘refreshments’, and inquires how they slept. Sookie lets them know that they’re knee deep in shit, and that vampires are coming for them, but Steve, and the lunatic Gabe, stand there and confidently assert they’re ready for vampires, and are “surprised” none have shown up yet. Sookie warns them again that they’re about to get themselves good and dead, but Steve is sure of his cause, and there’s nothing more stubborn than a self-righteous Christian.

Sookie tells him that Jesus would be ashamed of him, but Steve laughs it off, and sits in front of Sookie and Hugo’s cage, attempting to apologize for acting nasty, claiming he isn’t the monster that the vampire loving media makes him out to be. Steve tells them that he just wants to get a couple answers, and then they’ll send them on their way. Hugo blurts out that he’s gotta get out of there, and that his name is Hugo Airs or something like that, that her name is Sookie Stackhouse, and they were sent there by the vampires of Area 9 to find their sheriff. However, Steve heard plenty when he heard the name “Sookie Stackhouse” since her brother is right upstairs. Steve makes the connection, and heads off upstairs with Gabe, while Sookie swears her brother doesn’t have anything to do with this, and asks how they know him. They ignore her, and she turns her wrath on Hugo. He starts whining about them needing to get out, and so on, but Sookie tells him flat out to shut the fuck up. Hugo starts tearing things up, and Sookie sits and sends Barry a message, asking him to find Bill Compton, and tell him where she is, and that it’s a life or death situation.

At the hotel, Bill is still awake, refusing to give in to sleep, despite Lorena torturing him. It’s become a standoff; if Lorena sleeps, Bill will take off, and she can’t “allow that”, –her nose starts to bleed, and Bill’s ear is bleeding. He tells her he isn’t suicidal, but Lorena tells him she knows what he’s capable of. Despite Bill telling her it’s foolish to do this, because they’re weakening and “the bleeds have begun”, Lorena stays awake. Bill spies the phone, but Lorena snatches it; apparently, he hadn’t thought of that before. God, duh. He pleads with Lorena, to at least be allowed to call for help, to call Eric since he’s the reason Sookie is in danger; Lorena tells him Eric is also the reason she’s there, and the phone disintegrates in her grip. Lorena tells him Eric wants Sookie, to just let him have her. Bill works himself up for a spaz attack, and we’re back to the Fellowship, where Jason is trying to leave, carrying out all his shit, when Steve Newlin rolls up behind him. Steve cuts him off in his SUV and Gabe jumps out, puts a knife to his throat, and makes him get in the car; they speed away, with Jason captive.

At the sheriff’s office, a dirty, smelly-looking Andy is trying to tell Sheriff Bud Dearborn what happened; his broken arm is in a cast, but that doesn’t stop him from waving it around as he tries to explain. Bud sighs, and looks at him like he’s insane. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are still sitting their lazy asses on the couch, watch TV, instead of cleaning up the unholy mess in Sookie’s house, or even asking Maryann and her little servant man what the hell went on last night. Maryann wanders in the house with bloody feet, still wearing last night’s dress, and dragging a dead rabbit with her. She’s cheerful enough, and says ‘Good morning,’, despite looking like she’s been killing things with her teeth, which she mostly likely has been. Tara and Eggs stare at her, and ask if she’s okay, but Maryann tells them she’s been sleeping outside, and communing with her animal spirit, then shows them her dead rabbit, “Yummy!” Tara looks like she’s about to gag, and Egg is close behind her, with a “no shit…!” Tara says “Poor bunny,” but Maryann reminds her in a maniacal tone that, feeling sorry is just an excuse not to celebrate your own happiness.

Maryann drapes herself over a chair, the bloody dead rabbit still dangling, and asks them what they did last night, since they’re all “glowy.” Tara doesn’t know, but says they “just hung out”, and asks Maryann if she threw a party, and reminds her that it’s Sookie’s house, –Maryann tells her that Sookie will be happy when she gets home, since Tara took such good care of the place. Maryann wanders off, calling for Carl, while Tara stares at her, and states, “She’s so fuckin weird.” I’m sorry, but trashing my roommate’s house, and bringing home dead shit in the morning is grounds for eviction. Then again, Tara is obviously not firing on all cylinders. In the woods somewhere around the Fellowship, Gabe has Jason with a knife to his throat, while Steve stands there looking like he’s about to cry, hollering at Jason for betraying him. Jason, has no idea that Steve is talking about his sister, and thinks this is all over him screwing Sarah. Jason says he’s “so sorry”, but Steve says he can’t believe he chose “them” over Salvation.

Jason gets confused, and asks who “them” is, but Steve tells him to just drop the act, that he knows who Jason is, and who he works for. Jason, stupefied, asks, “the road crew?” Steve tells Jason he thought he was stupid, but good at following orders, –poor Jason, that wasn’t nice, –and now he finds out that Jason is “snakier than a snake in the grass.” Steve tells him, despite Jason’s ignorance, to say a prayer, that he’s going to hell, today. Steve takes off in the SUV after telling Gab to “take care of him.” Gabe pushes Jason ahead of him, and follows, telling him to “start walking.” Oooh, Jason’s in trouble, but I dunno, –Gabe is old, and Jason’s pretty tough. At the lake, Daphne sits, playing in the water, when Sam walks up behind her, and points his gun at her head, with the hammer back. Daphne recognizes his smell, and says, “Hello, Sam.” Creepy bitch. Sam tells her he’s been looking for her, but Daphne isn’t surprised. She tells him she isn’t afraid to die, but Sam knows she’s afraid of Maryann.

Sam asks Daphne if Maryann putting those scars on her back was how she got Daphne to be her whore. Daphne states it isn’t whoring if it’s done for love, Sam mistakes her for talking about him, claiming she and Sam “had fun,” and Sam hollers at her. Sam tells her he trusted her, and asks her how she could do this to her own kind. Daphne says she used to be just like Sam, “scared, stupid, full of shame,” but Maryann saved her and gave her a whole new life. Yeah, and Sam is the stupid one. Daphne tells him that next to Maryann, he’s a flea, and Sam asks why if he so insignificant, is Maryann going through the trouble of trying to catch him. Daphne tells him, because he got away from her once already. Daphne explains that Maryann can only get inside humans, not “supes”, –supernatural creatures, –and that eve though she can force them to shift, she can’t get inside them, so they have to go to Maryann of their own free will. Daphne tells Sam that Maryann loves a challenge, but Sam tells her he’s not a challenge, he’s a person. Daphne strips, and jumps in the water, inviting Sam, but he asks her angrily, what Maryann is; Daphne says, “She’s god, dum-dum!” Hmm, an interesting hypothesis, although the theory is a little bit of a stretch, since she calls Maryann “God”, not ‘a god.’ Generally, the Christian god isn’t represented with horns and claws.

In the basement, Hugo is hollering to be let out, because he needs to pee, but when Sookie offers him a water bottle, he smacks it away. She tries taking his hand to calm him down, and when she does, she sees inside his head; scenes of Hugo “repenting” with Steve Newlin in the church, eavesdropping on Bill, Sookie, and Eric planning her infiltration of the church, and then his phone call to the church to let them know about the plan. Hugo shakes Sookie off, and she says, “you’re the traitor!” Oooh, uhm, -duh-. Back at the lake, Sam tells Daphne carefully, looking like he’s trying to repress the urge to jump in and choke her to death, that Maryann isn’t God. Daphne says cheerfully, that Maryann is as close to God as they’ll ever get, that she’s been called all kinds of things, but that she’s really a maenad. This is where the whole mythology thing takes a left turn down the path of incorrect: Daphne tells him that maenads were followers of Dionysus, the god of wine, also called “the horned god.” Ah… not really. Sam makes the connection with Satan, –also not correct, but then again, not everyone is a big Greek mythology buff.

Daphne says Satan and Dionysus are all a kind of energy, –not really correct either. She then goes on to explain that it’s lust, excess, violence, anger, “all the fun stuff,” and that Maryann controls it and brings it out in people, and that Maryann is also immortal so there’s no point in fighting her. Sam asks if he gives himself up, will Maryann go away? But Daphne says probably not, since she’s having so much fun. She tries to cozy up to him, but Sam pushes Daphne away, and walks off. In the basement, Hugo is telling Sookie about why he’s a chickenshit pussy, and how he came to betray everyone; he tells her that he used to be just like Sookie, supposedly. Then told her that she wouldn’t know, that he started missing work, being unable to leave them at dark. He tells her that he begged Isabelle to turn him,  so they could be together as equals, but he says, they don’t want their human lovers to be equal. He says Isabelle was just using him, just like Bill is using Sookie, and goes on to say what a big trophy a telepath must be for a vampire; that vampires don’t care about anything but their own kind, and that’s why he joined the Fellowship. He goes a bit too far with that one, and Sookie tells him to shut up, and asks why, if the Fellowship cares so much, is he still locked in the basement.

Sookie gets sassy then, and tells him flat out, that to the Fellowship, he is nothing but “a fang-bangin’ traitor,” and when he starts hollering for Gabe, Sookie smirks, and points out just how important Hugo is to them. At the door to the Fellowship, all the crazy vampire haters are getting together for the lock-in, and Sarah is greeting them at the door. Steve approaches and tells her he needs to talk to her in private, about Jason Stackhouse. Oh shit! Sarah Newlin falters just a little bit, and follows him inside. Gabe is driving Jason through the woods at knife-point, and Jason is trying to tell him there’s been a mistake… and this is where Gabe screws up. He moves the knife to snatch Jason up by the hair, and then talks shit about Jason’s mama, and his sister. Ooooh. Jason’s eyes get all big, and he spins around, and knocks Gabe down, telling him not to EVER talk about his sister. Gabe spits out some blood, and ding ding! round one goes to Jason Stackhouse, and to instigate round two, Gabe calls Jason a “sister-fucker.” Jason screams, and rushes Gabe, the bigger guy, and picks him up at the legs, slams him down on the ground, and the fight is on! Jason wins, of course, calls Gabe a “dickbrain”, kicks him in the nuts, and heads off to find out what the hell is going on.

Lafayette is making good on his promise to sell the blood that Pam gave him; while he does his make-up, he manages to sell half a vial. At Merlotte’s, Arlene rushes into work, while Tara and Eggs play kissy-face over the bar. Arlene asks where Sam is, but Tara tells Arlene he took the day off with “Little Miss Employee of the Month”, –ooh, friction. Arlene is overjoyed, and whisks Tara off to the ladies’ room to talk to her. Lafayette is in there, still doing his makeup, and Arlene asks why he’s in there, if it says Ladies on the door, –Lafayette, with his sassy ass, asks why them “skank hos” are in there. Arlene gapes, and Tara calls him a bitch. As Lafayette leaves, Tara asks how his leg is, and when he says “great”, Tara narrows her eyes, and promises him they’ll talk about that later. Lafayette leaves, and Tara closes the door. Arlene, freaking out, tells Tara she’s afraid she did “somethin reeeeal bad.” She explains that she and Terry are dating, but that she couldn’t get him to do anything with her, despite all her seductive methods, and Tara tells her to get to the point. Arlene tells Tara that last night, she tried getting a few drinks into Terry to loosen him up, and that everything was going good, until she blacked out.

Arlene says she thinks she might have ‘had her way’ with Terry, and Tara gapes, asking if she thinks she date raped Terry Bellefleur. Arlene admits that there were “telltale signs” that they did something, –gross, but that she can’t remember a thing. At the bar, Lafayette pours himself a drink, looks Eggs up and down, and says, “Damn,” and reflects on how unfair it is that now that he’s trying to stay out of trouble, it keeps walking in his door. Eggs tries to introduce himself, and shake hands, but Lafayette just stares at him, and remarks that nothing good can come out of something that pretty. Lafayette asks, “Tara’s Eggs?” as Tara approaches, remarking that it really doesn’t sound right, since his name is Benedict, why not have people call him Ben. Lafayette suggests “Dicked,” and Tara snaps, “behave.” Lafayette says, “Satan in a Sunday hat,” which, as you’ll recall, is a family saying when something is too good to be true; Lafayette continues, “Satan in a beautiful ma’fuckin’ Sunday hat.”

Before they can get into it, Andy, lookin’ all kinds of fucked up, slams into the bar hollering for Terry, and threatening to kick his ass. Tara asks him what happened to his arm, and Terry starts a little, and tells her he won’t talk to her, that she is a devil worshipper, and that he saw her last night, her and everyone else. He continues hollering for Terry, but Arlene tells him that Terry ain’t there; when she offers to call him, Andy hollers “Fuck you, zombie woman!” Good god, poor Andy. Sam approaches, just as freaked out as Andy, and this time, for once, is sympathizing with the fat drunk guy. Eggs calls ‘hey’ to Sam, and Arlene tells him he looks like he saw a ghost, while Tara looks at him concerned. Poor Sam is inches away from boozing it up with Andy. At the hotel Carmilla, Hoyt decorates the room with rose petals, candles and soft music plays as Jessica slowly starts to wake up to find a rose on the pillow beside her. Aww, what a sweety. He shows her the candles he got at the gift store downstairs, that are supposed to be “blood scented”, but he says they smell like soup. Huh, that sounds both interesting and gross.

Hoyt asks Jessica if she likes them, and Jessica tells him the room is perfect; he sighs in relief and admits that’s what he was going for, since she’s perfect, and he wants her first time to be perfect, and –God almighty, finally, Jessica interrupts him before he can start jabbering like a nut, and tells him to just take off his pants. He grins, sheds his pants, and hops on the bed with Jessica. In the woods somewhere near the Light of Day Institute, Jason Stackhouse is running down the dirt road at night with Gabe’s knife, when a car approaches behind him; it’s Sarah, driving like a bat out of hell in the go-cart/golf cart thingy. She gets out of the car, and Jason tries to explain Steve and Gabe have lost it, when she shoots him! OMG! Noooo! Not Jason. I was just about to fall out of my chair. That damn Barbie bimbo bitch shot him! Daphne meanwhile, is standing on the dock at the lake where she and swam had their first swim, when Maryann approaches behind her. Daphne tells Maryann she missed her, and Maryann says, “Thank you for your service.” Hmm, not exactly words of love, but –oh shit! A zombified Eggs steps up, and stabs Daphne right in the chest. Maryann grins while Daphne dies.

In the basement, Gabe comes down the stairs to the cage, looking pretty mean, and beat up. Hugo begs to be let out, but Gabe, as predicted, punches him in the face, and calls him nasty names, while he continues beating him up. Even though Hugo betrayed her, Sookie jumps on Gabe’s back, and hollers for him to stop. Gabe slams her into the shelf, and begins choking her, when he threatens to ’show her what she’s been missing’, Sookie screams, and Bill’s eyes widen where he is, sitting without sleep, with Lorena, still at the hotel. Bill starts looking around; he grabs a wooden table, and throws it at the evil bitch, before, but Lorena grabs a piece of the table or chair or whatever, and is at the door at the same moment, with the wooden leg aimed at his back. She threatens to end him if he opens the door, and they flash back to their last fight, when Bill left her in LA, in 1935. Bill begs her to let him leaves, because he doesn’t love her, the guilt over killing for her, is too much to bear, and when he tells her she’s the one afraid of being alone, she throws him down, smashing a wooden table. Bill picks up a piece, and threatens to kill himself if she doesn’t let him leave.

Lorena begins to cry, and tells Bill she can’t live without him; before Bill can kill himself, she stops him, and says, “As your maker, I release you,” while blood tears run down her face. Aww, poor baby. Sad, despite her being a psychotic murderess. At the door where Lorena has Bill pinned, back in the present, he asks what she has to gain, since she’s already released him. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, and that one day, he’ll see Lorena keeping him from her as an act of love. A knock at the door, but Lorena covers Bill’s mouth. Lorena answers and it’s Barry the Bellboy! He tells Lorena that Sookie is being held in the basement with Godric at the Fellowship of the Sun; and while Bill is still pinned by Lorena, Eric overhears from the room across the hall, and is out of his door and gone before Barry even sees anything. Lorena snatches him inside, just as Barry is telling Sookie telepathically that this is the last time he does her and her vampire friends any favors. In the basement of the Fellowship, Gabe is trying to rape Sookie as she struggles to get away, screaming and kicking. Suddenly, Gabe is up in the air;Godric holds him up, dangling him off the floor as though he weighs as much as a towel. He looks a lot different in fluorescent lighting, –but still pretty. That’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

CRICKET AND ALL THAT.

Motoring from McCloud

Into the Sun: A Special Introduction to the Lemurian Philosophy, Including a Glimpse of the Great Work of the Lemurian Brotherhood, and the Discloser of How Its Master Plan Can Benefit Those Who Want

Vampire Academy Collection

Cricket and All That

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 8
3. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9

At the Hotel Carmilla, Eric is snacking on a classy looking dirty blonde, and loses his appetite when she calls him “baby”. She offers to pretend she doesn’t like it, and though Eric seems to have a few reservations about her acting skills, he resumes his dinner. When Lorena, Bill’s maker shows up however, he shoos the girl along, promising to tell her boss she was ‘magnificent’, though seeing her pretend not to want it was minimally worse than her original performance. He tells her he was beginning to think she wouldn’t come, but Lorena sees through and tells him that for a vampire, he’s a terrible liar. Nah, Eric’s actually quite an excellent liar. He was just teasing. Women have no sense of humor. Cue the intro music! After Jace Everett’s purty song, we’re treated with a nice warm, mushy scene full of naked Sookie and Bill making out in bed. Before they can play naked leapfrog, there’s a knock at the door. Bill is up, already in a robe, in a flash; he opens the door after the knocker claims to be Isabelle.

It’s not Lorena, thank god, –that would have gotten ugly. Isabelle stands with a man, and Bill asks who he is. Isabelle says his name is Hugo, and declares him to be “hers”. Bill looks at it him a little suspiciously, before letting them in and microwaving some Tru-Blood. For some reason, the Tru-Blood in this scene look a little more Asian than usual. Maybe it’s because the label is violet, instead of the usual black and red? While Bill sets up a nice little vampire tea party, Isabelle explains that she understands Bill being worried to send Sookie alone, so she is offering her human lover, Hugo, to help Sookie on her mission. Bill asks why she’s being all nice and helpful, and she admits that it would be a real bitchy move to let them do all the work when they’re not even from Area 9, –or even Texas, for god’s sake. Bill asks the same question of Hugo, and he tells Bill because he’d do anything for Isabelle. Awww; Sookie looks into his mind and hears him repeating how much he loves Isabelle, “forever, and forever and forever” –not a real creative thinker, but a big sweetheart, sure.

Isabelle also explains that the people of the Fellowship of the Sun will probably be less suspicious of a single woman, than a couple. Sookie admits to Bill that it’s true, and he accepts the logic without getting all over-protective. Lorena and Eric sit below in the lounge, and Eric tells her he’d considered putting her in the room adjoining Bill and Sookie’s room, but he figured that would be “over-the-top.” Yes, as well as scandalous, deceitful, dangerous, and a variety of other vicious things. Eric admits to Lorena that he’s after Sookie and wants Bill out of the way, and he’s appealing to Lorena to keep Bill busy. Lorena asks what Sookie is, and Eric admits he doesn’t know, though she isn’t human,  and whatever she is, Bill loves her. Lorena asks Eric what makes him think she’s interested; Eric points out that she didn’t come all the way to Dallas just to see him, and she tries to argue that she hasn’t seen Bill for seventy years, that she has no pull over him. Eric ends the argument by stating that he’s not seen his maker in much longer than that, and remains fiercely loyal.

Lorena tries to get cute with Eric, asserting that maybe she should have turned him, and glancing at the man on the piano, admits Eric isn’t really her type. Flashback time! Bill is in a tux at the piano singing Hard-Hearted Hannah, which is hilariously ironic, –if you recognize the words, Hannah is the “vamp of Savannah, GA”. It’s Chicago, in 1926, and just thank your lucky stars that Richard Gere doesn’t dance past in his underwear. Bill and Lorena are entertaining company, –Lorena sets her eyes on a fat guy and a dingy blond with eyebrows that could make a train take a dirt road. When Lorena opens her mouth, she spills forth with an “Enjoying ze enter-tain-ment?” in a French accent that makes you cringe, deep in your soul. The blonde with drawn-on eyebrows says Bill is just wonderful, and Lorena agrees. Lorena notices the dingy blond’s necklace and says it’s “extraordinary.” The couple chit-chat with Lorena about where she’s from. Apparently the accent wasn’t a dead give away, so Lorena explains that they are from “Yor-rip”, “Frons”.

The Fronch Lorena from Yor-rip laments that Americans are so purr-he-tan-he-cle, but the fat guy raises his glass and says “Fuck prohibition!” The blond exclaims, and calls him crass, but Lorena agrees and they talk about staying over for more fucking of prohibition. Or probably prohibited fucking; wonder what kind of laws they had against group sex and such back then? Bill comes over to chat, and his French accent, –despite his singing in a southern accent, a-hur, –is much more believable. I’m sure the eating of people, that takes place later, was frowned upon, though it looks like they’re having a great time. While Lorena reminisces about Bill being a sweet and murderous psychotic, Sam and Daphne are laying butt naked on a pool table, and I’m still thinking, ew, ew, ew, unsanitary! Sam finally asks about the massive scar, and Daphne explains that something attacked her, but she didn’t know what, that is slashed her, and then she was real sick for weeks.

Doctors didn’t know what it was, but she survived, and was told she was lucky to be alive, and she counts her blessings every single day. Ahem, –don’t get too infatuated with Daphne, –she’s not exactly an “Amy” type, but she’s also not one of the good guys. And that’s all I’ll say. Poor Sam, he’s so unlucky in love; he tells Daphne she’s the most amazing person ever. They get into a sappy little talk about how Sam should open up more to the people he loves about being a shifter, since it’s nothing to be ashamed of. He tells her it’s not worth the risk of telling people, with all the other dangerous stuff out there, and Daphne tells him, “not taking a risk is riskier.” Ah, the powers of the blond vocabulary continue to stun and dismay. She butters him up some more, and they flop back on the pool table for more sex. Gee, that must be comfortable.

At Sookie’s, everybody is kissing Maryann’s ass because the water heater is busted; Eggs is doing the “man thing”, i.e., standing around with a monkey wrench and a greasy rag, pretending to know what he’s doing. Tara is on the phone with a parts store two hours away, and Carl is rubbing Maryann’s feet. Tara offers to take a look, but Eggs claims she’s being spiteful, and asserts himself as the “man of the house”, –then apologizes to Carl. He isn’t offended; Carl knows he’s the bitch. Tara gets confirmation that the store two hours from Bon Temps has the part, and she even manages to wheedle Eggs away from Maryann to navigate for her. Haha, poor Maryann, apparently, she doesn’t like to be dirty so much after all. At the Fellowship’s Light of Day Institute, Jason and Luke are headed over to the church yard, for an urgent assignment. Jason is worried about getting his ass kicked for getting a handjob from Sarah Newlin, Reverend Steve Newlin’s wife. Steve giggles and holds up a power drill, –”buzz buzz” –which does nothing to reassure Jason. Although the rest of us know Steve Newlin is ignorant and his wife’s an imbecile, Jason thinks they can see right through him.

Steve shows Jason the schematics for the project he wants, and Jason, who understands what he wants, –a basic platform with a cross on it, –still makes sure he isn’t being punished for something. Mrs. Newlin nervously tells him to be thankful for the job they’ve been given, and reminds him Jesus was a carpenter. Steve is all excited, and decides to tell Jason and Luke what the platform and cross is for,  despite Sarah’s protests, and that they’re going to be frying a vampire, in a ceremony called “meeting the sun.” Jason doesn’t know what it means to “meet the sun” so Luke explains it. Jason exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” while everyone else giggles and laughs, except for Sarah who doesn’t really agree but doesn’t have the spine to back out. Jason clearly isn’t into it, but he joins Luke to build the vampire frying station, and it’s good to see that he and Luke aren’t really at each other’s throats anymore.

Hugo and Sookie are in the lounge, and he hands her an engagement ring to make things look more genuine; he really is kind of a looker, very sexy in that professional, clever, witty and good at talking kind of way. I prefer a good talker to a good listener any day. They make sure they have their shit together for going into the Fellowship’s headquarters, and segue into talking about what it’s like for him to date a vampire. She asks if he and Isabelle ever fight, and he admits that they do all the time, but that it’s better because there’s more passion there than with other women he’d been with. He confides that lately they’ve been fighting about Isabelle eventually turning him, and his worry about getting old, while their vampire mates stay young. He asks Sookie if they’ll still want to be with their human lovers when they’re old and decrepit. Sookie admits she’d never thought of that before, and now worried herself, they decide to go. Hugo apologizes, but Sookie retorts that now, if she dies on the mission, she won’t have to worry about getting old and being unloved.

Tara and Eggs are headed down what appears to be Memory Lane, –or at least, Deja Vu Lane, for Eggs; not long after he’s given Tara directions, he looks at the road and tells her they’ll be a diner in an old barn coming up around the bend. He starts getting upset, because he knows he’s been there before, but doesn’t know how he knows. They pull over into the parking lot, and Tara follows Eggs into the woods along a dirt road. At Merlotte’s, Terry is busing a table when Arlene walks up and asks if he wants to get together later with her, and when he agrees, she tells him she has a surprise planned for him. Terry nervously admits he hates surprises; poor guy, you can see how he might. Arlene tells him she’s a “very mysterious woman” and walks off, leaving Terry all anxious. Daphne meanwhile, approaches Maxine and her friend’s table, asking if she can get them anything else, –Maxine suggests the tea she ordered five minutes ago, and Worcestershire. Daphne scoots off to try not to be such a crappy waitress, while Maxine and her friend giggle about how all the good waitresses end up being knifed. Charming, ladies.

Andy heads back to the kitchen to harass Lafayette, pestering him about where he’s been and why he’s lost all his “pizzaz.” When Andy starts yelling, Lafayette collapses, and hides his face in the corner. Andy’ head turns into Eric, screaming in Lafayette’s face. Lafayette covers his eyes, and Terry, who walked in when Andy started yelling, recognizes the symptoms of PTSD, that he has to deal with every day. The scene is one of those on the “almost makes me cry list.” Terry tells Andy to leave Lafayette alone, and when Andy ignores him, he pushes Andy away, and tells him that he’s not the cop he set out to be, and that everyone already knows he isn’t a cop anymore. Terry tells Andy to leave, and Andy apologizes to Lafayette, and goes. Terry approaches Lafayette, and this part did make me cry when I first saw it, –without any hint of reservation, Terry pulls Lafayette over, cradles him and talks him down from his panic attack. In the restaurant area, Hoyt Fortenberry strolls in, mad as a hornet and demands that his mother explain why his phone is saying “activation required” even though he paid the bill last week. Maxine Fortenberry tries to introduce her friend, but Hoyt isn’t interested, and his mother tells him she had it turned off.

Hoyt tells her that Jessica won’t be able to call him, and Maxine says “Good,” because she doesn’t believe it’s right or a girl to be calling so late. Hoyt slams the phone down on the table and tells her to turn it back on, or he’ll move out. He starts to leave, then turns back and tells Maxine the reason Jessica calls late is because she’s a vampire. Maxine gasps, and her friend pats her hand. In the back, Sam tells Daphne, who is just now getting her lazy ass around to making Maxine’s tea, that he can’t work because every time he looks at the pool table, –you know, the one with interesting new stains, that the rednecks are standing around, –that he thinks of her on it. He asks her if she wants to sneak off and shift, and go “do it out under the sun.” Aww, young love, so raunchy and cute. Daphne tells him she can’t because if she left, her boss would kill her, but Sam tells her that if she doesn’t go out back right now, and take off all her clothes, then he’ll fire her. Oh oh oh, lawsuit! Hmm, sex with a hot guy, or over $100,000 in “emotional damages.” Tough choice, but Daphne was never bright anyway; she heads out back to get nekkid, and Sam follows.

Outside, Luke and Sam are building the platform; Luke is singing about vampires to the tune of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, and can’t think of any more words, when Jason smashes his thumb with a hammer. When he calls himself stupid, Luke says nah, just preoccupied. He tells him to spill it, and reminds him that he’s wearing his “honesty ring.” Jason starts off by asking about when Luke said that all Sarah wanted was his Johnson, but Luke cuts him off and tells him he was just being jealous, and Sarah is the holiest person he knows. Jason asks Luke about him being abstinent, and Luke tells him that sex outside marriage is a sin, and adultery is “right up there with incest and bestiality.” Jason looks shocked, and Luke continues that none of that compares to ‘doing it to a vampire –or a dude.’ Jason fails to recognize the implications about Bill and his sister, while Luke goes on about the ‘creme de la creme of sin’, –screwing a vampire dude. Jason half-heartedly tries the word “abstinent” behind his name, and doesn’t like it. He comes up with the rest of a line for Luke’s song, “the big ol’ scary vampire went to the sun to fry” and Luke declares it awesome.

The silver car coming up the hill, funny enough as it is, was Jason’s Sister, Sookie Stackhouse and her pretend-fiance Hugo, coming to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah Newlin stands outside, pointing them toward a parking space. Sookie recognizes Sarah Newlin, because she’s on TV all the time, and says she looks like vanilla pudding in person. Yeah, with about as much common sense. Hugo and Sookie agreed that Hugo should do all the talking, so that she can better listen to their thoughts, but Sookie starts chattering right away, nervously, but not exactly giving away her nervousness, –just being generally chatty. She introduces herself as Holly Simpson, and Hugo as Rufus Dobson, her fiance. Hugo asks what her deal is, when Sarah gets a bit ahead, leading them off to meet Steve Newlin, Sookie explains she talks too much when she’s nervous. No shit, how can you tell? Sookie tells Steve, once inside, that her and ‘Rufus’ met in church, but left because it became clear that the pastor was a –Steve guesses homosexual, –but Sookie tells him he was a vampire sympathizer.

Sarah sighs in disapproval, and Steve goes on about how much that ticks him off. Sookie tells them that her and Rufus want to make the Fellowship of the Sun their new home. Aww. While Sarah chatters on, Sookie listens to Steve’s thoughts, and he’s thinking about frying the vampire they have in the basement. Sookie, or, Holly Simpson, tells the Newlins she knows that vampires are vicious bloodthirsty killers, –while the vicious, bloodthirsty Lorena remembers killing the blonde and the fat guy with Bill. Bill is all angry and sticky with 20’s era blond idiot blood, and Lorena looks delighted as she snaps the fat guy’s neck. What I like about TrueBlood is they never forget that when you’re really biting a person, bits of skin and goo might get stuck to your teeth. Bill slurps on blondie for a bit, then scoots her over so him and Lorena can screw on the bed. He remembers how much Lorena liked blondie’s pretty necklace, and puts it on her. Fast forward, back to the Hotel Carmilla; Lorena is still wearing the necklace. Ew, I hope she’s washed it.

Tara and Eggs are still roaming the woods, Eggs is sure he’s been there before, but Tara is just worried that’s he’s losing it. When they arrive at a clearing, surrounded by burnt out torches, they both look around. Eggs gets more upset, but Tara tries to comfort him, saying that maybe he was taken there as a kid at some point. There are bloody clothes, rocks with weird symbols drawn on them, and another rock covered in blood. Eggs tells Tara something bad happened there, and he’s worried he was a part of it. Poor Eggs starts to cry, and Tara helps him get back to their car. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Steve and Sarah are taking “Holly and Rufus” on a tour of their lunatic asylum, when they get to the main chapel, –which in all fairness, is beautiful. Sookie tells the Newlins that she would love to get married there, when Steve asks if they’ve ever been to a “lock-in”, –a church slumber party type thing. Sookie listens to Steve and Sarah’s thoughts.

Steve is thinking Sookie is a dirty fangbanger, and wondering if she can hear his thoughts, while his wife is worried about Sookie, thinking vampires talked her into this. Steve explains what a lock-in is, and when it is, while Sookie tries to convince ‘Rufus’ that they need to get the hell out of there. Gabe approaches and Steve introduces him, who he says will join them for the rest of the tour. –Gabe is thinking Sookie has the perfect amount of “titty showing.” Gee, great people, these Christian folk.  Andy Bellefleur is drinking and driving his classic Mercedes, when a gigantic pig and a collie dog run out in the road ahead of him, then take off. Andy recognizes the pig, pulls over, and starts hollering, “Pig!” and half-heartedly gives chase, but ends up tripping, and falling face first on the ground. Aww, poor Andy. Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood, Sam and Daphne are getting dressed, and giggling about how cool it was to almost get hit by a drunk driver, when Sam wonders aloud why Daphne became a pig, not a doe.

Daphne tells him a pig is just her stand-by when she shifts, which is so attractive and feminine. Sam mentions that it was weird that Andy seemed to recognize her, when he started hollering, “Pig, pig!” Daphne pointedly asks him what else you’d call a pig you didn’t know, and when Sam tries to bring it up again, she shuts him up by giving him a blow job. Oh those wicked feminine wiles. At Merlotte’s, Lafayette is stocking produce in the cooler when Pam pops up behind him, and asks “Remember me?” Lafayette spooks, and practically tries to hide on the shelf with the vegetables. Pam makes small talk, and Lafayette asks if she’s real, –Pam ignores his questions and looks around, concluding that the cooler is “nice” and she could sleep there in a pinch. Lafayette asks why she’s there, and she tells him that he owes them, and that Eric has sent her a request that he re-open his business. She shows him a large pharmaceutical brown bottle of blood, but Lafayette tells Pam he’s out of “that shit”. When Pam leans over to put the bottle beside him on the shelf, Lafayette practically climbs up it; she tells him he’s back in “this shit.”

Lafayette reminds her that they tortured him for almost three weeks because they caught him selling V, and wonders why vampires are selling V. Pam says, “We’re not. You are. Get to work,” before she leaves him there, wondering what the hell just happened. At the Fellowship, Steve is inviting Sookie and Hugo down to the basement to see his father’s tomb, –ew, pass. When Sookie tries to tell them she’s not interested, Hugo explains that they both suffer from claustrophobia. Sarah objects halfheartedly, while Gabe blocks the exit behind Hugo and Sookie. The open door in front of them is the only option, and Sookie tries to talk her way out of being trapped, but eventually, pretenses are dropped, and Gabe rushes them. Steve drags a screaming and struggling Sookie down the stairs, and calls her a “fucking cunt” much to Sarah’s dismay. At the hotel, Bill snaps awake, to find Lorena there restraining him. She reminds him that she made him, and he cannot overpower heer, –but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

All Sarah can say is “I’m sorry,” when Sookie is dragged away by Steve and Gabe. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs come home to find the house totally trashed, and manage to pick up a joint on their way outside, following a long trail of trash and clothes into the woods. They smoke some pot along the way, because you know, why not? It’s not like they could be calling the cops, cleaning up, or kicking Maryann and her little servant out of the house for being useless white trash. They hear screaming, and run to a clearing, where around a fire, to the sounds of some hippie drum music, a fair number of townspeople are having huge porno orgy sex, while Maryann does her vibrator dance. Maryann grins at them, before resuming her vibrator dance. Tara and Eggs looked pretty shocked, but apparently don’t end up running away. At the hotel, Jessica snaps wide awake, and checks her cell phone with vampire speed. Disappointed with no new messages, she heads to the minibar and reads the menu. TruBlood is $45, but Jesus Christ, following at a close second, is a chocolate bar for $15. Jessica, in an obviously sassy mood, begins pouring TruBlood down the drain, when someone knocks on the door.

It’s Hoyt! Jessica runs to the door, while Hoyt tries to apologize, and worry aloud about how she is probably angry with him, –while Jessica tries to figure out how to actually open the door. He came all that way and brought her flowers! Aww, Jessica says she can’t believe it, –and we can’t either. Hoyt is such a big sweety. Hoyt is genuinely surprised she isn’t mad, and Jessica wants to cry but can’t because “it’s really gross” when she does. Nah, it looks pretty neat actually; it’ll probably renew an emo photography trend. Hoyt gives her the flowers, apologizing again because they’re half wilted from being in a hot car for a few hours, but Jessica says they’re beautiful anyway. They get to kissing and Jessica slams the door behind them. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Jason enters the main chapel, looking for Steve to let him know the platform thing is done. He finds Sarah, sniffling and crying up on the balcony, and, rather than be an ass, goes up to see if he can’t make her feel better.

Jason hesitantly asks why she’s crying, –though you can tell his drama-meter with the Newlins is getting pretty close to breaking. Sarah tells him that Steve isn’t the man she married. Jason tells her that Steve is a great man, and that he’s guilty about what they did last night. Wow, guilt from Jason Stackhouse about sex? Never saw it coming. Sarah tells Jason the truth about Steve; that he’s training the Soldiers of the Sun, –including him and Luke, to start a war with the vampires, and that he is vicious, and cruel, and gasp! he uses the C word! Oh no, how awful. Because starting a war that will cost thousands of lives is nothing compared to using the C word! Oh, say it ain’t so! Sarah cries, telling Jason that Steve is lying to her, and shutting her out; Jason dries her eyes, in the sweetest way. You don’t deserve him, you bitch! Sarah convinces Jason that, in her heart, she’s not married to Steve anymore, and that she wants to be with Jason instead. Jason, told that ‘God wants this’, is seduced yet again by the blond vixen, and they have sex right there in the church. Egads.

Elsewhere, Daphne leads a reluctant Sam towards the sound of drums, and when he hesitates, he’s jumped by a bunch of psychos and dragged off to the clearing, where a zombified Eggs is having wild animal sex with Tara. Sam asks “what the fuck is this?” and Daphne tells him, “it’s the end of the road,” before she places the big bull mask on Maryann. She starts chanting, and vibrating, while nearby, Carl, –who I’ve begun to think of as a eunuch, –stands by with a knife on a silver tray. Sam screams bloody murder, –literally, and that’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

The Fellowship of Ghosts: Travels in the Land of Midnight Sun

Dying For Revenge

Valentine Babies: Harlequin 3-Romance Novels: Goddess in Waiting; Gabe's Special Delivery; My Man Valentine

Frostbite (Vampire Academy, Book 2)

Chosen (Guardians' League, Book 3)

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 8
3. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9

Interview with Wes (Big Man at the Tattered Star Store Online!)

1. At the risk of sounding too much like a character from Scream: What’s your favorite scary movie?

That’s really hard to answer being a big fan of horror. At this moment, I would say Dawn Of the Dead (Remake)

2. What was your inspiration for starting a horror culture t-shirt store?

At first I wanted to do political shirts but I’ve always had a dark sense of humor. We started with “Undead Rights! Zombies Were People Too!” as a way to tie in to the politics by using the undead as the oppressed.
The ideas started to flow from there and now our main focus is on horror and gamer t-shirts. These are things that I enjoy and identify with.

3. What was the first horror movie you ever saw?

Return of the Living Dead. Loved that movie.

4. Do you have a favorite monster?

Zombies. But lately, thanks to TrueBlood, vampires have been taking over. I’m rereading Bram Stoker’s Dracula now.

5. What’s your favorite design among all the shirts you have for sale?

It’s a tie between “Conserve Water Drink Blood” & “Learn to Spell for His Sake”.

6. Can you reveal what’s in the future for Tattered Star? If so, please share.
We have a lot of new shirts coming out before October. There is talk of a Fangoria show in Las Vegas and I hope to have three of these new shirts ready for the event, one of which is an Edgar Allan Poe shirt that will hopefully be out next week. We also plan an H.P Lovecraft shirt before the end of the year.

7. Are you a TrueBlood fan, and if so, who’s your favorite character?

Yes, it’s one of the best shows on the air. My favorite character would have to be Sookie.

8. Who is your favorite vampire of all time?

I like the original Dracula the best but Bill from True Blood is great too.

9. If you were a vampire, what would your name be?

Armando Castrella the 623rd.

10. Finally, what are your thoughts on Vampires.com?

The biggest thing I like are the articles that cover everything vampire. Like all monsters, the myths of vampires have changed over the centuries. Writers put a new spin on old stories in order to come up with something fresh. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not but Vampires.com lets people see the big picture; all the different views and how they relate to one another. This forms it into one mythos with many faces.

Related Reading:

Dracula

The Savage Tales of Solomon Kane

Return of the Living Dead

Fangoria Horror Magazine Issue # 25 February 1983

Frostbite (Vampire Academy, Book 2)

Related posts:

1. Charlaine Harris Interview
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

Back at Bill’s, Sookie and her undead honey are sharing some cutesy pillow talk, after their “first” round of make-up sex. No, Bill didn’t put on eyeshadow and lipstick, and no, Sookie didn’t wear a fake mustache to bed. They were actually previously fighting about him murdering her Uncle Bartlett; yeah, whereas the murder of a family member might be a deal-breaker in some relationships, with Bill and Sookie, it’s just a prequel to steamy sex. Suddenly, Sookie remembers that Jessica is in the house, and wonders if she heard the two of them. Bill reminds Sookie that Jessica is a mouthy brat, and definitely would have let them know if she could hear them going at it. Sookie scolds Bill a little for being so critical of Jessica, and Bill sternly reminds Sookie that Jessica is a vampire. Sookie continues, reminding Bill of what it’s like to be a teenage girl; no humanity, no control over her impulses, in the grips of “overwhelming transformations”, i.e., puberty, ew. Gee, so being a new vampire is like being a hormone crazed teeny bopper? In that case, remind me not to create any of my own progeny; the last thing I want to deal with vampire teenagers, with no middle ground in between.

Sookie sits up, and seriously tells Bill that he should at least try being more understanding, since his current approach obviously isn’t working out. She reproaches herself slightly for fighting with Bill again, only minutes after promising each other they wouldn’t fight anymore. Bill argues that they aren’t fighting, but Sookie is sure it is. In that case, Bill takes full advantage of the situation, and they begin ‘making up’ again. At Fangtasia, Pam is pissed about Eric’s hair, while he grumbles about the redneck taking silver to him. He tells Lafayette to defend him; Lafayette, eager to spill the beans and get the hell out of Dodge, tells them straight up, whatever they want to know, ask now, so he can go. After a quick sassy interlude with Pam, Lafayette opens up for Eric’s questions about poor dead Eddie. Eric asks what happened to him, and Lafayette tells him he doesn’t know, but suspects he was kidnapped. When Eric asked who kidnapped Eddie, Lafayette first tells him he doesn’t know. When Eric asks Cho to step in, Lafayette interjects quickly, and spills that he thinks Eddie was taken by Jason Stackhouse. Pam and Eric mull over the possibility of making Jason pay for his crime, but arrive at the conclusion that Sookie is too valuable an asset to risk losing.

Eric tells Lafayette that the piece of information was useless, and asks him about whether or not he had any dealings with V-buyers from the Dallas area. Lafayette says one, by the name of “pussylover9@shemale.com. Charming (If such an email exists, please don’t bother this person, they obviously already have plenty of issues already on their plate). Cho rolls his eyes, and Eric tells Lafayette that a friend of his in the Dallas area has gone missing, a vampire named Godric, twice as old as Eric, and ten times more powerful. Pam tries to argue with Eric, but he asserts that he wasn’t being modest. Eric inquires if Lafayette’s contact mentioned any new product on the market, since Godric’s blood would be very valuable, but Lafayette tells him no, but that he would tell him. Eric dismisses the idea of letting Lafayette go in a millisecond, before telling Cho to put Lafayette back in the basement. Lafayette flips out, telling Eric that he gave him everything; Eric hollers back, that he gave him nothing, and he’s dragged off kicking and screaming by Cho.

On the big Bible-Thumper Bus, Jason rides along with a bunch of dingbats, attempting to sing along to vampire hate songs, when a big brunette guy sits beside him, to chit-chat about being misled cult members. He introduces himself as “Luke McDonald, no relation to the restaurant.” Jason asks if there’s any relation to the farm. I got it, and giggled a little, but Luke appears to be an even thicker meat-head than Jason, because he has no idea what Jason’s talking about. The two exchange testosterone-infused chatter, about their football glory days. Luke tells Jason about blowing his knee, and his scholarship, and then finally finding his way onto the Bible-Thumper Bus, after five hard years of working, and staying abstinent. Luke asks Jason about how he ended up there, and Jason says he decided to go a couple days ago, because ‘Steve and Sarah’, –aka, Preacher Ken and his post-lobotomy Barbie sidekick, –invited him the other day over breakfast. Luke, stunned, asks Jason if he wants to bunk with him. Jason says “Shit yeah!”, and Luke reminds him not to say “shit”. Jason looks slightly chagrined and confused, until Luke tells him to “forgive” himself. Oh yeah Luke, I got a few things I could remind you to go do to yourself, and while the first thing I can think of does start with an F, it sure as hell isn’t “forgive.”

They start up another rousing retarded ballad about how much vampires ’suck’, and the bus rolls on towards its destination. Outside Bon Temps, in the backyard of crazy pig lady’s house, Tara strolls across the lawn in robe and nightie, to talk to a dirty and shirtless Eggs. Tara gives him a hug, and tells him that he smells “nasty and nice”. Hmm, that’s gross. She then explains that she wants to know more about him “before…” –before you screw him? Yeah, we figured. Tara tells Eggs about her shitty taste in men, and her tendency to “put the cart before the horse”. Oh you mean, screw before you know the guy? Act like a fast-ass’d ho? Yeah, I’d buy that, since the whole deal with Sam pretty much blew up in your face. Eggs tells Tara that she likes him, and Tara says, and I quote: “Of course I like you, I’d take a shower in your sweat, if I could!” Um… ew? I’ve ‘liked’ a good deal of males, and never once felt the urge to shower in their bodily discharge. Egads. If that’s your thing, rock on, but I’ll pass thanks.

Eggs is slightly evasive about revealing his past to Tara, and she picks up on it, telling him now she isn’t curious, she’s worried. Tara learns that her new man was found homeless, and that before, he’d been in jail for armed robbery, assault, possession of and dealing drugs, and so on. Hold on, I’m tearing up; all this talk of felonies and jail time has made me a little homesick. Eggs walks off, leaving Tara alone to think about whether or not dating a criminal would be a good thing. While sitting in her kitchen with a mug of tea, or something else that’s equally cozy, Sookie spots a newscast featuring the parents of Bill’s new pain in the ass: Jessica Hamby. While her parents tearfully declare they just want their daughter home, the gears in Sookie’s head audibly grind together. Sookie goes into her grandmother’s room, and plucks a framed photograph of her and Tara, as little girls with Gran in the middle, all smiling; Sookie smiles a little, holding the picture. And then we jump back over to Bible-Thumper camp.

A bunch of nerdy young people stand around as the big culty leaders give them an orientation/welcome speech. Sarah Newlin, the Amazing Walking Vacuum, gives a speech about honesty, and stuff, while a pretty blonde girl passes out “Honesty Rings” made of real silver; so if they protect their rings, maybe one day, their rings will protect them. Oh goody. The excitement is palpable, after some dinghead hollers “Die Fangers”, but Sarah Newlin giggles and encourages everyone to make friends and play nice, and to have holy light shined on them. At Merlotte’s, Daphne skillfully manages to pour mustard all over the bar, when in walks Tara, late, and behind her, Maryann. Sam almost shits a brick, but collects himself, after Maryann makes a snide comment about how slow the place is. Sam goes to take her order, first telling her to stop fucking with him, and to leave. Maryann reminds him that she’s a psycho, and Sam, refreshed with the reminder, takes her order. Or orders; apparently, the woman eats like Oprah between diets.

Over at Bible-Thumper Camp, the best song about Texas ever sung, is played –God Bless Texas, by Alan Jackson, while the guys play ‘Capture the Flag’, a form of sissy football. Jason quickly upstages Luke in the game, and some bitterness quickly develops as the crowd, including Steve Newlin himself, cheers Jason on. At Merlotte’s again, Sookie just popped in to see Tara, while in the kitchen, Terry is getting more and more pissed off, because he’s busy cooking his ass off, and he can’t read Daphne’s writing on the orders. Under Fangtasia, Lafayette sits pitifully, contemplating his shitty situation, when it suddenly hits him: the blonde redneck has a magnetic ass! Lafayette scoots himself across the floor of the basement, towards the gleaming piece of steel sticking out of the blond guy’s dismembered leg. The chain isn’t long enough, so Lafayette turns the wheel until he can just reach the amputated limb, and drag it over with his feet. Lafayette has to smash the leg a bit more, but finally pulls the steel hip replacement out, and frees it from actual bone casing by using his teeth. Yummy.

Once the metal is out, Lafayette quickly uses it to break the chain he’s fastened to. Woohoo! A daring escape, and all thanks to the redneck’s magnetic ass! Lafayette hustles off, looking rough, –like an extra from Amistad. Meanwhile at Merlotte’s, Sookie and Tara are doing the girl talk thing, apparently Sookie just explained Jessica situation, thus Tara’s remark about Sookie being a “stepmother to a vampire”. Pleasant, no? Sookie asks how Tara’s been, and Tara expresses some doubt about how, although Maryann’s house has everything anyone could want, it’s still a little bit too good to be true. Tara asks what Sookie thinks, but Sookie mentions that she has a “conflict of interests” because she wants Tara to move in with her. Not only do the two get along well, –haha, not really, –but apparently, Sookie has been wanting to move into Gran’s room, and Tara’s moving in would help Sookie to get it done.

Suddenly, there’s a big crash from the hall; Daphne’s dumped a big tray of dishes and stuff, all over Sam’s feet, while he hollers, and she apologizes. Tara and Sookie hurry past Sam before he can ask Sookie to stay, but Maryann stops them before Sookie can go, obviously interested in meeting her. Tara introduces them, and Sookie, curious, listens in to Maryann’s thoughts and hears nothing but weird language, spoken ominously. Sookie asks where Maryann is from, and she says “Cape Cod”. Yeah, uh huh. Because everyone in Cape Cod walks around speaking gibberish in dark, ominous tones of malice. It’s obvious that Maryann is from New Jersey. Sookie spots Sam, and lets the two other women know she has to go. But in the process, she also tells Tara to let her know what she decides about moving in with her. Maryann gets a nasty look on her face, and when Sookie leaves, tells Tara that it was “awfully nice” of Sookie to invite Tara to live with her. What a manipulative bitch! …ladies, take notes.

At Fangtasia, the Amistad version of Lafayette is trying to sneak out, but the barely coherent Ginger spots him, and holds a gun on him. Lafayette tries to pull the hetero-persuasion on Ginger, but she says they told her to pay special attention to “faggit drag queen in the basement”. Lafayette demands she let him go, but Ginger tells him honestly, if she lets him out, they’ll kill her. Lafayette doubts she’ll shoot him, and dingy Ginger proves him wrong, by accident, and shoots him in the leg. Lafayette collapses, and Ginger starts screaming, but after much deliberation, gives him some dirty bar towels to put on the wound. Over at the Bible-Thumper Camp, some skanky teeny bopper type is singing “Jesus Asked Me Out Today”; vaguely incestual, about either masturbating, or having sex with Jesus, or possibly both. Everyone applauds and Steve Newlin himself hops on-stage to promote her album, and to introduce a “game”.

Jason is chosen to roleplay as ‘the good guy’ while Sarah Newlin, plays a vampire sympathizer. Over at Bill’s, Sookie heads up the stairs and inside, to find Jessica distraught because she just saw her parents on TV. Apparently, Bill is off running errands, “that do not require” Jessica’s presence. She does a fabulous impression of Bill, head tilted forward and all, as if she really did have a steel rod shoved up her ass too! Jessica pouts, sniffles and exclaims about how much she hates it at Bill’s, before slouching off to the couch, where she slumps so we can get a fairly decent view of her rather pale ass.  Sookie follows, and Jessica tells her that she misses her family and especially feels sad about treating her little sister badly. Jessica freaks a little when she finds out that vampires cry blood, but Sookie offers her a tissue. Aww, female bonding. Sookie tells Jessica about losing her Gran, but Jessica feels as though grandparents are supposed to die, not kids, and she objects “I’m the one that’s dead.” At that point, I’d have said, “You’re right, it’s weird and not really understandable,” but Sookie is a soldier, and she forges ahead.

Sookie explains that regardless of who’s doing the leavin’, it’s the distance that hurts. Jessica asks what she does to feel better, and Sookie tells her she just goes to sit for a spell in her Gran’s room. Uh oh, Sookie, you’re about to open a can of shit, and you don’t even know it yet. Right on cue, Jessica immediately asks if Sookie will drive her to her parents’ house to sit outside, or across the street. Sookie tells her no, but Jessica continues to plead with her. Sookie tells her to ask Bill instead, but Jessica knows, as do we, that Bill won’t let her. Sookie admits defeat with an “Okay.” Sookie tells Jessica they have to go get Jessica clothes at her house first though, since Jessica’s dressed like a colorblind prostitute. Sookie then makes Jessica promise she won’t tell Bill. Meanwhile, Bill is shopping at a teen clothing store, when an obviously idiotic sales clerk attempts to help him find clothes for his “daughter”. She chooses a skirt missing most of its fabric off a sales rack, and Bill declines, since he’d rather not see his progeny dressed as a um, ’slattern’.

When the ditsy sales lady finds out he’s a vampire, she offers to basically, go have sex with him in a changing room. Bill declines the offer; a few times. When Eric shows up, and the two exchange greetings, Bill compliments Eric’s new hair, and the sales lady, assumes they’re gay, and takes off. Eric’s hair is now way shorter. It makes me sad. He was sexier with long hair. Now he looks like an usher at the local baptist church. Damn. They get a shared smile out of the dingbat’s retreat, before Eric gets down to business with a “We need to talk”. Oh boy. I bet it’s not about the weather, or Eric’s latest kitten puzzle. Over at the Bible Thumper Camp, the roleplaying game is in full swing. But the game almost gets out of hand when Sarah, Queen of the Blond & Vapid, pops in a pair of 50 cent fangs, and declares herself a vampire. Jason freaks out, snaps a flagpole in half, and almost stakes her. Sarah Newlin looks like she either just peed, or just had an orgasm. Jason apologizes, and Steve begins clapping, while everyone else applauds as well, to Jason’s fine acting. Jason flashes back to Amy killing Eddie in his basement, and looks positively traumatized for a moment, before he wanders off, and Sarah Newlin manages to stand up.

At Merlotte’s, Terry is reach his wit’s end, back in the kitchen, struggling to keep up with all the orders. Arlene checks in on him, and Terry tells her he’s “feelin’ the pressure”, and ain’t taken a break. Arlene comes around to take away his tongs, while Daphne wanders around the bar with a beer in her hand, completely lost. Terry stubbornly relinquishes his tongs, and Arlene sends him off on a break, just as Daphne approaches the order window, to take three plates to Table 4. She asks Arlene where Table 4 is, and Arlene gives her a nasty look, before Daphne decides to find it on her own. Terry remarks that most of the orders he’s been cooking have been going to Table 4; so “what the hell is going on at Table 4?” Daphne turns a full 360 before Maryann calls her over; apparently, she’s ordering everything on the menu. Jesus Harold Christ. The two make small talk, and Maryann tells her what a wonderful little blond human she is, before Daphne heads off to screw something else up. Sam stops over to talk with Andy, who’s busy getting fully plastered.

Andy tells Sam he knows that Sam is wondering why he would just throw away nine years of being sober; Andy answers, “why the hell not?” Sam disagrees, and says that it’s because people in town don’t need to see him this way, i.e., shitfaced.  Andy tells Sam that people in town don’t see him, at least not as “what he really is”. Sam tells him to suck it up, and stop feeling sorry for himself, but Andy lets Sam in on the big reason for the booze: Bud Dearborn demoting him, and taking him off the case. Sam says he’s sorry, and agrees to let Andy booze it up for the night. Sam looks over his shoulder and notices a couple of folks dancing, and remarks that it was never his intention, when he opened the bar, that anyone would be bothered to dance. Andy concurs; he hates to dance, and one woman once said he looked like an epileptic on meth when he was on the dance floor. It’s true, you’ll be lucky enough to see it in a few moments. Sam heads off with Andy empty beer bottles, just as Maryann gets up to do the Boot-Scoot-Boogie with the other folks out on the dance floor.

Maryann on the dance floor is like the Redneck Whore of Babylon; she’s got the men going crazy, and pretty soon, all the other liquored up patrons are joining her to dance too. Yes, even the old people. Ew. The scene changes, pulling us away from the backwoods nightmare of seeing old people flirt and act sexy, to Bill and Eric discussing the missing Sheriff of Area 9; the vampire named Godric. Eric tells Bill that Godric must be found, and formally asks permission for the use of Sookie’s talent to find him. Bill immediately says no, but Eric reminds him of the deal Sookie herself made with him, and warns Bill that he’ll get Sookie to go, regardless. However, Bill’s final answer is no. Eric tells Bill his decision was “poorly played” before walking off. Uh oh. Sookie and Jessica pull up outside her parents’ home, and park. After Jessica mentions that her daddy isn’t home, but her mama and sister are, Sookie begins to cry, and apologizes to Jessica, because she feels things are her fault, much to Jessica’s bewilderment. Jessica tells Sookie that she doesn’t blame Sookie for her being a vampire, but before the two can get into anything too mushy, Jessica spots her sister at the window, and is off!

Sookie runs after her, but it’s too late; Jessica’s already banging on the door, and before Sookie can drag Jessica back to the car, her mother has opened the door, and tearfully welcomes her daughter back into the home, thanking Sookie for bringing her back. Jessica’s mama tells her little sister, Eden, to call her daddy to tell him she’s home. Her mother notices the icy skin, but not the urging to be invited in, and tells Jessica she’ll make her some tea. Sookie is invited in as well, and follows to oversee the shit hitting the fan. At Merlotte’s, Eggs enters to see everyone dancing all sexy and practically falling all over each other, some nearly screwing in various corners of the bar. He heads over to talk to Tara, and Jane Bodehouse immediately starts flirting with him, but Tara chases her off. Jane joins the other freaks on the dancefloor, giggling like a nutcase. Eggs tells Tara that his father said that, if you wanted something, you had to appear not to want it, in order to get. But he disagrees, and tells Tara he wants to be with her.

Tara is properly miffed. In another corner of the bar, Maryann is luring a drunk Andy out to dance with her; oh lord, please spare the site of an epileptic on meth style of shindiggery. In the bathroom at Bible-Thumper Camp, Jason Stackhouse is brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed, when Luke confronts him about the weirdness at the show earlier, when he very nearly killed Sarah Newlin. Luke accuses Jason of thinking he walks on water, and Jason mentions that he thinks that was Moses. Luke corrects the poor dingbat Jason, and informs him that Moses parted the Red Sea. Jason looks confused for a moment, before Luke asks what the deal was with him snapping the flag in half, like he’s “some Muslim Buffy with a dick”. Jason says sorry he didn’t like it, but everyone else seemed to. Luke warns him that day 1 might’ve been his, but day 2 “belongs to the Luke-inator”. Uh huh… well, okay then. Jason flashes back to feeding Eddie Tru-Blood in his basement, and wrestling with his conscience, about all the cult-y vampire hating BS they’re spoon feeding him.

At Merlotte’s, Sam is hauling a load of canned stuff, when he notices an increase in the bar’s volume. The patrons are all out in the bar, dancing around, stealing beer, and acting crazy, –and worst of all these things, Andy Bellefleur is doing his “epileptic on meth” dance. Jane Bodehouse’s eyes have turned completely black, as she stares up at the ceiling, dancing around like a hippie at Woodstock. Sam and Maryann head into his office, with Sam looking properly pissed off. He demands to know what’s going on in the bar, but Maryann blows him off, claiming that “people came back from the rodeo in a good mood.” Sam gets even more riled, and starts hollering at her, but Maryann starts vibrating. Sam protests, but fall to the floor; Maryann has forced him to shapeshift into a dog. She warns him that she can do that to him any time she wants, so unless he wants the town to know his dirty secret, he better not threaten her anymore. Psh, don’t puss out Sam, bite that crazy bitch!

At Jessica’s parents’ house, Sookie is having a meltdown, but Jessica claims it must be all those “vampire impulse control issues”, and Sookie, thoroughly pissed off exclaims, “fuck your impulse control issues!” The two quickly compose themselves, as Jessica’s sister Eden walks in with a tray of sandwiches. Eden tells Sookie she’s pretty, and Sookie tells Eden she is also, but the little girls says she isn’t, and that she has a problem with hair. Before we can riddle that weird statement out, Jessica’s father enters the scene, and Jessica stands up to hug him. For a moment, it appears as though things might be okay, but Jessica’s father starts getting pissed off. Jessica pushes him away from her, and her fangs pop out, as she invites him to get his belt, but this time she’s ready for him. Uh oh. Patricide, anyone? At Fangtasia, the three vampires, Pam and Cho wait for Eric while they hover over a wounded Lafayette. Eric finally shows up, and chastises Lafayette for trying to escape. He politely asks Lafayette if he’d like his wound to kill him, or the three of them to do it.

Lafayette responds, by asking them to turn him into a vampire. My favorite part of his persuasive argument, is his claim “I’m already a person of poor moral character, so I’ll hit the ground runnin’”. Nice, but not necessarily true; we all know Lafayette is a big sweety. Eric assures Lafayette that he’ll “take it under advisement” before he nods to each of his compatriots, and the three “dig in”, to the poor Lafayette. Over at the Hamby house, the shit continues to be shoveled onto the fan, and so far, it’s making one hell of a mess. Jessica’s father continues to instigate Jessica, asking how she could let some bloodsucker bite her. Jessica tells him she didn’t let anyone bite her, and concludes that now she can school him on being scared. Sookie tries to stop her, but Jessica flings her across the room. Eden, frightened, asks Sookie if she’s okay, and Jessica’s mama tries to calm her down. Jessica though, is on her own tirade now, and calls her mama dumb. Sookie hollers at Jessica, but she’s still having her tantrum; she calls her mother dumb as a sack full of hammers, and her daddy mean as a snake. She concludes that it’ll always be like that unless she “ends it”, and decides to do so with her daddy’s belt.

Just as Jessica’s about to eat her daddy, or strangle him with his belt, either one, Bill bursts in and commands Jessica to release her father. Sookie says, “Thank god you’re here”, but uh oh, she’s in trouble… Bill tells Sookie to shut up, and glamours Eden into inviting him inside the house, so he can “make everything stop.” Eden invites him inside, and Bill rushes in, knocks Jessica away from her father, seizes Sookie and drags her outside, hollering at her, and saying this is her fault. Honestly though, wasn’t it just about time  -Sookie- was the one who got bitched out over something? It always seems like it’s her, constantly doing the bitching and nagging. Finally, some balance. Once Sookie’s outside, Bill turns back to the family inside, and zipping between Jessica and her father, he growls irritably. And that’s where they leave us!

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Chosen (Guardians' League, Book 3)

Shakespeare's Landlord (Lily Bard Mysteries, Book 1)

The Fellowship of Ghosts: Travels in the Land of Midnight Sun

CRICKET AND ALL THAT.

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In the beginning of the episode, we see Sam behind the bar with his big bag of cash, and he’s just headed to his Jeep when he hears Tara and Sookie start screaming. Uh oh, more murder in Bon Temps! Pretty soon, we’re going to have to start calling it Little East St. Louis. Poor Andy, totally inebriated, tells the girls to shut up and, stumbling and plastered, tries to take hold of the situation just as Sam arrives. He tries to console the women a bit, while Andy explosively tells everyone to ‘Back up!’. Sookie explains the situation and the discovery of the dead body to Sam, and just as she’s getting to the part about looking for Andy’s car, Andy hollers, “Someone fuckin’ moved it!” Okay, buddy, we believe you, gosh. Tara begins bawling to Sam, begging for it not to be Lafayette. Sam urges Andy to check for a pulse, but Andy sees something under the tarp that convinces him there’s no use checking. Andy shows Sam why, and we can tell that it’s not Lafayette before we even see the body; after all, he’d never wear a bra that looked that cheap.

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

Andy further lifts the tarp, and we see –Holy shit! It’s Miss Jeanette! Wtf is she doing under there?! Tara recognizes her and starts screaming again. Well, what the hell, it wasn’t Lafayette, was it? Further proof that women like Tara are impossible to please. The theme song starts up, and praise the Lord! it’s still ‘Bad Things’ by Jace Everett. The show just wouldn’t be the same without his song getting you in the mood for some dirty dirty southern vampires. So rock your hips and wrap your lips around your favorite bottle of TruBlood, and we’re ready to go! Sookie is listening in to everyone’s thoughts as we come back; she hears that Tara knew Miss Jeanette, just before Tara tells Kenya, the deputy taking her statement, that she never saw that woman before. Mike Spencer and his new helper are loading the stiff and grotesque looking corpse of Miss Jeanette into the van, while Andy is pissed off and wondering what kind of ’sick fuck’ would dump a body in a detective’s car.

Sheriff Bud Dearborn arrives and hollers for Andy, who stumbles over and gives Bud a quick run-down of the state of things, letting it slip that he’s been at the bar for “four to six” hours. Bud tells him that he’s overworked, and drunk, while Andy’s sister –the yet to be named Portia, –honks in the car. Andy denies being overworked, –but not drunk, obviously, and heads off to follow Bud back into the crime scene. Sookie and Sam talk while leaning against a car, commiserating about the latest dead body in Bon Temps; Sookie tells Sam she suspects that whomever killed the woman just wanted to see her suffer. Tara approaches and tells Sookie she’s ready to go home, but Sookie asks her how she knew the woman who was killed. Tara starts to get upset, but her defenses crumble and she tells Sookie about ‘Miss Jeanette’. Sookie pulls Tara into a hug, and encourages her to tell the police the truth; Tara mourns some about how her mother’s going to feel, but turns back to tell Kenya the truth.

Over at Bill’s, the proud father of a bitchy teenager is laying down the law: Bed time at 4:00 am, paper in one container, bottles in the other, so that the recycling goes out right. Jessica whines and complains, and when Bill’s phone rings, she asks if she can have one too. Kids! Sookie explains that she might be a bit late coming to see Bill, who offers to come there, –not so fast, buster. Sookie tells him that’s okay, it’ll give her something to look forward too. Bill looks over at Jessica and tells Sookie to take her time. Good god almighty, I’d think so. Bill is in trouble, uh oh. After the two conclude the quick phone chat, Bill explains to Jessica that he has a guest coming, no they cannot eat her, yes it’s his girlfriend, and yes, she has to be nice to her. Then we get a good old fashioned vocabulary lesson: Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t want her looking like a “slattern”. Jessica, clueless, as most of the audience is no doubt, asks for an explanation. Bill explains; a ‘lady of the… evening’, to which Jessica exclaims, “Awesome!” Oh yes, looking like a whore is all the rage! These days you pass a middle school, a high school, and a brothel, and you’ll have to check your directions to find out which is which.

Elsewhere in Bon Temps, the ever oblivious Jason Stackhouse reads some religious propaganda from his good friends at the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh my. But it’s not long before he leans over to cry for the late Amy, whom he flashes back to remember the fun times they had together, while tripping on V. At the station, an upset Tara is interrogated by a sarcastic Kenya, a perplexed Bud Dearborn, and a drunken Andy. It’s like the Three Stooges of law enforcement. Bud tries to be the voice of reason, explaining the real identity of Miss Jeanette; Nancy Something, but Andy starts hollering at poor Tara, suspicious that she’s ‘pullin’ somethin”. Bud pulls Andy off, and tries to tell him to go for the night; Andy argues, but Bud tells him he might be a suspect. Just as Bud’s working up to a good reaming, Lettie Mae bursts in asking what “they” did to Miss Jeanette. In the office, Lettie Mae asks Tara if it’s true, and Tara confirms that Miss Jeanette is dead. Lettie Mae sits, miserable, and chokes out that it was Miss Jeanette who saved her life, and Tara sits with her and tries to explain that Miss Jeanette was a fake.

Lettie Mae refuses to believe Tara, however, and almost goes into hysterics, telling everyone that Miss Jeanette cured her. The missing Lafayette shows up next, hunkered down in a dungeon-esque basement, somewhere, looking nothing like himself. He’s chained with several others, to a giant gear in the ceiling, with poles extending down, almost to the floor. Lafayette tries to catch water dripping from the corroded metal, but spits it out, once he tastes it. A man begins to call out, and each person must crawl forward to turn the gear, so that the man can reach the toilet. While the guy shits, the door opens and someone else is hauled down and chained, with a bag on his head. Lafayette scrambles behind a concrete pillar and hides. Another man is taken away, once the new prisoner is chained up. The bag is taken off his head and lo and behold! it’s the blond redneck from Merlotte’s who Lafayette punched after the “AIDS burger” ordeal. He’s also one of the guys who helped burn down Malcom’s nest. Hmm, looks like this might be a clue as to whose prisoners these are.

The two recognize each other, and the blonde asks Lafayette why he’s there, but neither know how they got there, or why. The blond starts screaming, but Lafayette tells him to shut up. Aww, looks like the two are becoming fast friends already. He asks Lafayette how long he’s been there, but he doesn’t know. Over at Bill’s, Sookie is telling him all about the newest dead body in her life, and Bill, the big softy, tells her he’s sorry she had to see that. Sookie’s seen more dead people than that kid from The 6th Sense. It’s time to grow thicker skin, and stop whining every time you see a mutilated body, woman! Now she’s whining about the ‘voices’; gah! Does it never end?! Wait a while Sookie, you’ll be blubbering and bawling some more in about oh, five minutes, tops. Bill tries to tell Sookie about his latest pain in the ass, but oooh no, it’s gotta be all Sookie’s problems, all the time. She tells him to shut up and kiss her; they kiss, but only for a second, before Jessica pops up to stir the shitpot.

“Well, hi there!” she says to Sookie, leaning over the railing upstairs, in nothing but a towel, and begins marveling over Bill’s shower. Yeah, indoor plumbing is crazy shit, isn’t it? Sookie looks up, and it looks like she’ll be starting her blubber-fest in, 5, 4, 3…. Outside of the police station, Lettie Mae approaches a brooding Tara, who immediately tries to tell her mother she was sorry for having to tell her the truth about Miss Jeanette. But Lettie Mae refuses to believe that she was a fraud; she declares that she’s “livin, breathin, thrivin proof that there wasn’t no fraud”. She clings to her cure, no matter the false pretenses under which it was given, and claims that Miss Jeanette being taken from them was God testing her faith. Lettie Mae expresses regret that her daughter didn’t “stay true” like she did, and that she prays for her. Tara tells her not to bother, and tells her mother she’s doing better than she has in a while; Lettie Mae then entreats her to at least pray with her for Miss Jeanette then. But just as Tara looks as though she might consider it, Maryann pulls up.

Maryann pulls Tara into a hug, being sure to make Lettie Mae feel like total shit in the process. Tara and the crazy pig lady separate; Maryann approaches Tara’s mother, shakes her hand, and then tells her what a piece of shit she is. For those of you who ever had any doubts, now we know for a fact that this is an alternate universe: If this was reality, and a non-family member attempted to tell off a southern girl’s mama right in front of her, there is no way in Hell she would have been able to walk, let alone strut, back to her car. If Tara was a decent southern woman, you know she would’ve punched that bitch right in the face. But noo, she’s totally brainwashed by the crazy white hippie. The two walk off, practically arm in arm, as Lettie Mae stands on the sidewalk alone. Bleh, someone, please slap Tara. Over at Bill’s, Sookie conducts her own interrogation, demanding Bill to explain the situation in detail. When Sookie finds out Jessica is only 17, she gets that offended, churchgoer-just-saw-a-naked-pedestrian look on her face, and asks where Jessica’s parents are.

Jessica, stunned no doubt that anyone can be such a moral tight-ass, asks Bill, “Is she always like this?” and Bill looks over with a faintly pleading look, as if to say, “Yes, please kill me.” When Sookie asks if Bill had sex with Jessica, Bill exclaims “No!” while Jessica in chorus exclaims, “Ew, old!” Yeah, about 200 years old, actually. Not to mention cursed with sideburns that make one wonder if they were ever in fashion, even 200 years ago? Bill explains to Sookie that he had to create a vampire, as punishment for murdering Longshadow, when he tried to kill Sookie. Jessica looks at Sookie, and a lightbulb flickers on in the head of the young dingbat: “So this is all your fault?” Ding ding ding, tell her what she’s won, Johnny! But instead of directing her over to Curtain #1, Bill sends Jessica upstairs for the night, who hollers that Bill’s house blows compared to Fangtasia. A hurt and slightly stunned Sookie looks on. Sookie asks Bill if Jessica could be responsible for the dead body missing a heart, and Bill says “No!” at first, then, a quieter “probably not.” Uh huh… Then Sookie goes on a long spiel about how Bill needs to be more open, and bla bla bla. Even Bill looks like he’s tired of the same old gooey chick stuff. Sookie asks Bill if he’s hiding anything else from her, and he denies it, though looking shifty as he says so. Sookie denies the pussy for the evening, and Bill pouts as any man would.

Sookie tells Bill she’s a lot stronger than he thinks, and we all sit back for a moment at her guile. Yeah, aside from her constant emotional diarrhea, neverending PMS, and getting almost killed every day. Yeah, Sookie’s a font of emotional fortitude. She takes off, leaving Bill to his porn and fake blood for the evening. Poor guy. On the news, Reverend Steve Newlin debates with Nan Flanagan, whose arguments are always more logical, and whose wit is definitely more “biting”. The douchebag Reverend accuses Flanagan of knowing who killed his parents, but she brushes him off. He concludes by inviting Nan Flanagan to enjoy a beautiful summer morning with him in Texas, and Nan tells him to give her 12 hours, and she’ll be right there. During all this, Preacher’s Wife Barbie, aka Sarah Newlin, cheers him on for the sidelines, and when he finishes, accompanies him upstairs, while they discuss Nan Flanagan’s fangs coming out, and Steve’s chances of becoming governor.

The two arrive inside a conference room for lunch with a bunch of fans and people hoping to get autographs and meet the famous asshole. The creepy guy who first met Jason in jail to deliver his Fellowship of the Sun propaganda, introduces Jason to Sarah and Steve Newlin. Jason tells Reverend Douchebag that he’s the most famous person he’s ever met, and that his father’s book was really making him “um… think… about things..” to which Steve replies that, now Jason must know that his father’s true message was love, despite what all the liberal wingnuts think. Another sign of an alternate universe; a world where the media bias is in favor of the conservatives! Jason declares that “it’s just like he says in the book, ‘I’m comin’ from the darkness, into the light!’” While Reverend Steve looks at Jason like he’s got an IQ of 4, the other cult member explains to Steve that Jason is new to the flock, but most enthusiastic about the message; i.e., he’s not very bright, but he’ll be easily manipulated. Meanwhile, Sarah Newlin is looking at Jason like he’s prime rib, and she want to fork.

The lesser cult member recommends Jason for ‘The Light of Day Institute’; sort of like, base camp for anti-vampire fundamentalists. He declares that it’s a wonderful program, and “if you’ve got the time and money” it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah to play cannon fodder for a bunch of culty vampire haters. Jason’s curiosity dampens once he finds out it’s going to cost $1200 to go, but Sarah Newlin tells him to pray on it, and wait for a sign from God. He agrees, and Reverend Douchebag pats his cheek, saying, “May his holy light shine upon you,” while Jason stares open-mouthed, as if Jesus himself were patting him on the head. Outside Bon Temps, Sam arrives at Maryann’s large home with his big bag of money, and Carl answers, declaring that she expected him last night. Sam is led indoors, and Carl tells him he’ll check if the crazy pig lady is available. As Sam waits, he approaches a weird sculpture that vaguely resembles a woman, and flashes back to invading a home as a dog when he was younger.

He trots through the house, naked and eating everything in sight, before dumping whatever valuables he can find into a garbage bag. When he approaches the weird sculpture, he turns and finds Maryann watching him. She questions him about what he’s doing there, and why he’s naked, all the while looking amused; like she wants to either screw him or eat him. Poor Sam, only 17, is sort of shocked by the freaky woman. He zooms forward in time to standing in Maryann’s living room once more, and puts the statue back, while Carl returns to tell him that the lunatic is asleep. Sam tells Carl to let Maryann know that he has something for her, and leaves. Elsewhere, a forlorn looking Sookie is sitting at the table in her gran’s kitchen, before she goes upstairs to look over Gran’s bedroom. All of Gran’s things are still sitting the way she left them. Sookie begins attempting to go through everything, but cuts herself on a box, just before someone rings the doorbell. Gotta be smarter than the cardboard, Sookie.

Sookie invites a man in, called Mr. Lancaster, to have a seat; evidently, he’s a family lawyer, and Sookie, perturbed as to why he’s here, asks if Gran’s papers were all in order. Mr. Lancaster tells her everything’s fine in regard to her grandmother’s things, but that he has terrible news. Apparently, her Uncle Bartlett is dead. Oh how awful, what a great loss to the world he is. Mr. Lancaster explains the circumstances of his death, which the police have officially declared accidental; when Sookie asks about ‘marks on the body’ it’s easy to see she suspects Bill may have killed him. Lancaster tells her that there were plenty of fish and gators in the creek where her uncle washed up, so there wasn’t much of a body left. Sookie, already disgusted, is then presented with a small inheritance of around $11,000, which makes her turn practically green. She takes the check, getting the envelope all bloody and gross.  Symbolism is a thing we don’t take lightly around here, Mr. Ball.

At the crazy pig lady’s house, Maryann, Eggs and Tara are lounging by the pool eating fruit and smoking grass, giggling; you know, doing hippie deeds and such. Tara looks at the painting across the pool, and Maryann explains that it’s the god Pan and his human lover. Tara wonders who she is, and Maryann tells her, she could be any of us. Perhaps giving a peek as to what the strange Maryann creature actually is, she goes on to talk about the Greeks and their religious philosophies for a moment, before Tara mentions her mother’s ‘imagined’ closeness with god. Maryann accuses Tara of bringing her mother into everything, and there’s a slight twinkle of Tara’s annoyance that Maryann was nasty to Lettie Mae. But only a minimal amount of offense, before the perky Maryann gets up to get more papaya, and the two lovebirds go back to talking about how damaged they were as children. Eggs, apparently, has quite the past; when Tara talks about seeing her first dead body, Eggs talks about seeing plenty of them. Jeez, guy, could you be a little more competitive?

They giggle, and almost kiss, after discussing their shitty lives, but Carl pops up with fresh towels, to ruin the moment. Tara gets up to go inside, claiming that she has to get changed for work. As Tara goes upstairs to change, Maryann calls Carl into the kitchen, and backhands him hard enough to knock him down. She hollers “Nobody needed towels!” Well, god damn, have a coronary, will you? That Maryann bitch is vicious, no? When I first saw him go down, I thought she’d knocked his eye kind of squirrely, but a friend pointed out to me that it had been like that in the first place. Poor Carl; destined to be a crazy woman’s bitch forever, and having bad taste in clothing and a lazy eye to multiply his misery. On the road, Jason and Hoyt are taking a short break, and discuss Rene for a moment, both finding it hard to believe that he was really a deranged serial killer.

Jason tells Hoyt about getting to know the folks at the Fellowship of the Sun, and even Hoyt’s smart enough to know that those people are a bunch of assholes. Hoyt asks what’s wrong with the church they got there, but Jason claims that the Fellowship is better, despite Hoyt’s argument. Jason states that when he’s there he feels as though he’s had a ‘calling from Jesus, or from Steve Newlin himself!” Hoyt shakes his head, just as Sookie’s pulling up. She delivers the bad news about their Uncle Bartlett, and gives him the inheritance. When Jason protests and asks if she wants to split it, Sookie demands he take the money, and takes off for work. Jason looks up to the sky above the trees, and gives God his personal thanks. Now he can afford cult-y Christian fundie camp! Yay! The screen goes fuzzy, and we’re back in Sam’s memory-land, where his 17-year-old self is having badly staged sex with a creepy, and chatty Maryann. Maryann starts vibrating and Sam flips out, rolling her over; Maryann tells him he’s not the only one who’s “special” in this world. Well, I can definitely say for sure that running around with pigs in the middle of the night is pretty damn “special” behavior.

Sam looks positively awful, sitting in his office, as we flash forward to the future; he snaps out of his reverie when Arlene comes in, telling him that she and Sookie are about to “drop dead from exhaustion”, with just the few of them there. She recommends he at least interviews “Daphne” a pretty blond she’s towed along with her, and asks Sam if she can start parking closer to his trailer, because of the dead body found in the lot the other day. Arlene thanks him, but still mourns the loss of 9 broken nails, as she heads out the door. Sam begins interviewing ‘Daphne’, (Greek mythology once again, audience, pay attention to clues!), who cites her only previous experience in waiting tables, was working at the Cracker Barrel. Oh boy. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blonde redneck are pushing the big gear in the ceiling, and starting a heart-to-heart chat. The only other person left is a woman in a torn dress, and ripped up hose. The blonde redneck is telling Lafayette about what an asshole he was previously, and Lafayette is trying to make him shut up.

The blonde redneck claims that it’s important that they talk, so that if one of them doesn’t make it, the other can get out and tell the world about him. Lafayette tells him sure, whatever makes him feel better; probably not the best decision, but why not? A few good reasons, actually, but whatever. The blonde redneck laments that his first major regret is letting his cousin’s girlfriend crush his head with her tits, which led to him being thrown out a window, and having hip replacement surgery. Now he has a “magnetic ass”. Count yourself lucky, buddy, think of all the awesome things you can do with a magnetic ass! Lafayette hopes aloud that the guy isn’t the last muthafucka’ he meets before he dies. The redneck urges Lafayette to tell him the things he regrets, and being a smartass till the very end, Lafayette tells him about getting trouble with his boss, for fighting with a bunch of rednecks. The blonde redneck apologizes for hassling him for being gay, and tells him, that if it’ll make him feel any better, when he was 15 he let his bunk mate blow him at camp. The blond redneck starts cryin’, and Lafayette rolls his eyes heavenward.

At Merlotte’s, Terry is in the kitchen cooking, while Andy, drunk again, walks around harassing the diners and drinkers about the case. The bar-wenches, Tara, Sookie and Arlene, discuss Jason and Hoyt drinking ‘Lite’ beer, –Jason isn’t drinking at all, and Hoyt’s mother, –the obnoxious, hefty Maxine Fortenberry, –wants Hoyt to lose some weight. Arlene states that Hoyt’s mama has ‘more chins than a Chinese phonebook’, while the girls look on, aghast at the ancient joke. Meanwhile, at Jason and Hoyt’s table, a blond Ellie-May type leans over the table, practically thrusting her cleavage at Jason, while asking him to drink with her, and flat out “bang her brains out.” Jason declines, so she asks Hoyt, but he wasn’t fast enough for her, so she takes off. Jason claims he needs to “stay pure” but if Hoyt wants to ‘hit that’ he can. Hoyt tells Jason he likes them nicer; no doubt, and you don’t want the clap from the first girl you screw either. That girl might be pretty, but she looks like a playground for venereal disease.

Two of the women Andy just finished bothering start gossiping about the dead “Rene Marshall”, when Arlene stops, and tells them that his name was Drew Marshall, and he’s dead, and ain’t never coming back. She begins to cry, when Terry stops by, slaps money down on their tables, and makes the two nasty old bitches leave, taking their men with them. Arlene hugs a slightly shocked Terry, who awkwardly sneaks a whiff of her hair. Awww, so cute. In the back by the payphones, Sookie and Jason discuss his trip to “Marlboro Baptist” church over in Baton Rouge. He tells her he’ll be gone for a few days, and Sookie says she wishes she could get off for a few days too. Sookie tells Jason she just started trying to pack things in Gran’s room, but couldn’t bear to put things away; Jason tells her he misses Gran too. What a sweet little brother and sister moment. No screamin or hollerin, just mutual love for the late Gran. Jason tells Sookie that he hopes God will let him know why good people have to die, like Gran, and Amy. Sookie objects, because Amy was a V addict, but Jason tells her that, when you love someone, you have to love it all, otherwise it ain’t love. For once, Jason says something smart, and it was Sookie who learned something this time.

The siblings hug, after Andy comes out of the bathroom hollering that he has some questions for Jason. Sookie lets him know Andy’s drunk, before she takes off to find Sam. Bud Dearborn and family are coming into Merlotte’s full of …something, fresh from a square dancin’ contest, that they’re carrying the trophy for. Woohoo! Tara tells Sookie that Sam is out back, but he’s been acting weird. Tara tells Sookie she’s sorry about her Uncle Bartlett, hugs her. Sookie isn’t exactly torn up about it though, she states her wish that people would stop dying around there. Over at Bill’s, they’re going through all the different flavors of TruBlood to find one that Jessica can drink. She whines that Eric let her feed on a guy with tattoos, and piercings, but Bill gets cranky and tells her he’s not Eric; she agrees… and so do we. I think Eric is hotter, personally.

Sookie heads off to talk to Sam, who’s sitting alone having a beer outside. Sookie tries to get him to open up, but Sam is in a shitty mood, and who can blame him? Sookie asks to leave early, Sam guesses why, and she starts to tell him why she wants to see Bill tonight, but he cuts her off. Sam is tired of Sookie’s bullshit, i.e., sitting on her backburner, getting his ass scorched. Can’t blame him, once again; Sam doesn’t get much play, from Sookie, or Tara these days. Both girls treated him like shit and dumped him. Sam tells her to show up early to make up for lost hours, and heads inside, leaving Sookie there feeling like an asshole. Good, for once, don’t be such a self-centered dinghead. Proof, that she and Jason share DNA. Inside, Andy is harassing old people when Bud Dearborn tells him that he’s taking him off the case. Any tries to argue, since being a detective is all he can do, but Bud is firm. Andy leaves, miserable. Poor Andy, he really is an asshole, but he deserves to be right at least once.

Back in his office, Sam sits drinking remembering his escape from Maryann; he jumps out of bed, when she’s in the shower, gets dressed, and uses a pillowcase to stash jewelry off the dresser, and a whole drawer full of cash, before he takes off. Maryann jerks him forward, back to the present, by appearing in the office doorway, saying that he has something of hers. She closes the door, and Sam, now standing, gives her the money. He says he doesn’t know how she found him, but he assumes it was the money she was after. Sam is backed into a corner, sweating, and clearly scared of Maryann, who squats and looks into the bag. She laughs when she finds out it’s money; yeah, plain old money. Yawn. Sam suspects that Maryann is trying to get back at him by luring Tara into her weird lifestyle, but Maryann denies that her being there has anything to do with him. At the bar, Eggs has stopped in to talk to Tara, and claims that he just wanted to see where she works. She tries to take his order, and instead, he steals a kiss! Aww, how cute, and corny.

Sam sees Tara and Eggs kissing over the bar, while Maryann smugly watches as well, as if to say, “Ha, your life sucks, and I’m helping it suck more! Neener!” At Bill’s, they’re still trying to find a mixture of TruBlood for Jessica, and finally settle on ‘two parts O- to one part B+’, when Sookie enters. She tells Bill she needs to talk to him alone, but he says that he’s kind of busy with Jessica. Sookie sits over with Jessica for a little girl talk, and lets her know that the next night, they’ll have some girl time, but right now she needs to talk to Bill alone. Jessica agrees, and heads upstairs. Bill is amazed, practically bug-eyed with disbelief that Sookie could get Jessica to shut up and go away in 30 seconds flat. But Sookie is in Bitchy-Girlfriend-Mode. Uh oh, Bill’s in trouble again; poor guy. Sookie asks flat out about Bill killing Uncle Bartlett, and gets the affirmative, which is her cue to start getting all emotional on Bill. She cries about the apparent ease with which Bill can take a human life, and starts heading out the door, when Bill says he won’t apologize for loving her so much, and so on and so forth, and then sex! Woohoo!

Bill does this amazing move, where he grabs Sookie’s skirt, yanks, and tosses it; it’s like sexual athleticism, and he’s a pro: “I’m taking your skirt off with my mad skillz!” Then there’s lots of Skinemax style sex, and vampire biting, and bloody kisses. Yum. There are also a lot more shots of Sookie’s boobs; another bonus. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blond redneck are the only ones left, and dinghead claims to have a plan to bust them out. Lafayette tells him to shut up, as Eric comes downstairs, with foil in his hair, wearing a green smock. What a flattering look for a thousand year old vampire. How is it that vampires who can heal instantaneously can get their hair dyed and cut, Mr. Ball? Eric tells the blond redneck that he has some questions about the three vampires that died in a fire, and hauls him up to take him upstairs. The redneck attacks him with silver and attempts to run for it, but Eric, looking fierce, grabs him and drags him down the stairs by his ankle, so that his head thumps off the concrete steps. Eric picks him up, and bites him repeatedly, making it look plenty gross, before ripping the guy to pieces. Lafayette watches from behind the pillar, getting splattered with the redneck’s blood. And that’s where they leave us! Yummy.

Related Reading:

True Blood 2010 Wall Calendar

Boo (The Boo Series #1)

Queen Ida and The Bon Temps Zydeco Band in New Orleans

Entertainment Weekly, August 7, 2009-Vampires! 20 Greatest Vampires of All Time. Cover photo of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen in Twilight and Stephen Moyer as Bill Compton in True Blood.

The Sin Of Farther Amaro

Related posts:

1. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. True Blood Season 1, Episode 9

Dance to Bad Things like never before, or at least I did, when I found out how long it’d be before the new season came out. I’ll be seeing my first episode of season 2 tomorrow! Woohoo! Maybe even tonight! Back to the show: Sookie is telling Jason everything she’s found out about Drew and Cindy Marshall. Rene thinks to himself, but Sookie hears him, wondering why she hasn’t gone to the police yet; she answers him out loud, and Rene thinks again how weird her telepathy was. Jason argues anyway, still certain that he’s the killer. He calls for Andy to get Sookie out of there, and Andy escorts her away. Sookie inquires about the fax, but they never received it, and Andy tells her that the real murderer is Jason. Sookie gives Andy the evil eye and tells him off proper.

Tara wakes up in a huge, soft unfamiliar bed, and looks around, half confused. She puts on a robe left for her in the chair, and goes out to the porch where a big, bald quiet guy serves her breakfast on a silver platter; literally. The weird servant type wanders off, and the pig lady, aka Maryann Forrester, joins Tara at the table to begin the hazing process. The thing is, I haven’t seen any of the second season yet, and I only know a little about the pig lady’s character from the books, and the subplot with Tara isn’t in them. So this whole thing we have here is totally unprecedented and impossible to speculate on except: this shit ain’t right. I keep expecting her to try to convert Tara to scientology. Maryann makes small talk, and the two discuss how Tara’s situation is an “opportunity” while the creepy, badly dressed servant watches them from the window. No doubt, adding Tara’s panties to his inventory. Maryann asks Tara what she wants, how she wants her life to be, and so on, but Tara doesn’t really have any answers for her. She tells Maryann that she’d better go, and that she’ll pay her back as soon as she can.

Maryann however, tells Tara to sit down, eat, let her clothes dry, and states that they both know Tara has nowhere to go. Why Tara obeys is a mystery, considering her usual belligerent tendencies. Maryann tells her that all she wants to do is help, and give her a chance to set things straight. Inside, Tara’s phone rings; Sam is calling, but the bald man is in the room, making the bed. He pushes the end button on the keypad, sending Sam to voicemail, pockets Tara’s phone, and continues making Tara’s bed, Aha, the plot thickens. What have these freaks got planned for little Miss Tara Mae? I wonder what sort of life etiquette can be offered by a woman who runs around naked in the middle of the night with pigs. Sam leaves a message, half angry, half worried on Tara’s voicemail, and ends the message as Sookie’s entering his office at the bar. She sighs, and turns away from him, clearly not in the mood for doggie boy today.

Sam tells her he’s surprised that she’s working today, with everything going on with her brother, but she tells him she’s not afraid of everyone talking or thinking about her. She also tells him she’ll need all the money she can get to hire a private investigator to clear Jason, and there’s the chance that she even knows the killer. Back at Jason’s cell, a visitor has come to see Jason; a representative of the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh boy, sounds like the Scientol –I mean, the nutcases have come to town. Jason sits up, interested in what the guy wants, but a bit wary all the same. Jason asks about whether they were just anti-vampire, but the man gives him a sort of watered down explanation of their stance. Like, the KKK would say, “we’re devoted to protecting the ways of Aryan and Anglo-Saxon culture” while everyone with a brain say, “you’re just a bunch of racists in sheets”. That’s the way this guy kind of puts things.

Jason says he used to hate vampires, but then he got to know one, and he was all right, until he got him killed. The Fellowship representative, tells him he’s wrong, and that he did a service to his species for killing the vampire. Basically, the guy is using pretty language to tell him that although the Fellowship of the Sun wouldn’t be caught dead encouraging Jason in private, they do applaud him for killing off fangbangers, in private. Jason gets a bit confused by all the political speech and puffed up vocabulary, and tells the man he has no idea what he’s talking about. The Fellowship rep, obviously not keen on Jason’s vacuousness, says, “That’s smart. Don’t admit to anything.” Riiight. Now he tells Jason they have a fund going for his defense, and goes for his pamphlets. The rep takes Jason’s hand, tells him he’s a brave soldier, God loves him, he’ll be saved! and so on. Jason looks at the religious nut like he’s cracked, before he wanders off in search of other convicts, er… converts.

Tara meanwhile, is inspecting Maryann’s enormous pool, before she sheds her robe, revealing a perhaps borrowed bikini, testing the water, and does a cannon ball into the pool. After her swim, she steps into the house to find a massive and “bountiful” spread of ever fruit from Eden, and soft guitar music in the background. In the living room Tara meets a dreamy black guy with a guitar, who introduces himself as “Eggs” because his name is actually Benedict. Well, okay then. Tara tries to give him the speech about how her name is screwed up too, but he cuts her off, and tells her that Tara is a pretty name. Tara asks, tactfully, if Maryann and ‘Eggs’ (hahaha, duh), are dating, and he tells her that no, he’s just staying here until he’s on his feet again. She asks if Maryann collects stray black people as a hobby, and he laughs, telling her that Maryann was right: Tara is funny. I never got that impression personally; an out of control bitch, a belligerent racist against white people, and so on, but funny? Not really. If you say so, “Eggs”.

Tara asks what else Maryann told him, and he basically tells her the short and long of it; that he was told Tara had crashed her car, and was drunk. Eggs claims that he too was a mess when Maryann found him. Tara allows herself a flicker of common sense, when she mentions that the situation is too good to be true. Eggs denies it, and gives her the, “you’re just surprised by nice people because your life sucks, here have some of the Kool-Aid Jim made for us,” speech. He tells her that “sometimes, good shit happens” and I’ll be damned if that isn’t southern philosophy at its finest. Meanwhile, out in the yard, the crazy ass pig lady sits in front of a large pig in the yard, and is apparently, having some trouble with her vibrator. It looks like she’s experiencing either electrocution, or her tracking needs adjusted. Either way, someone in the special effects department needs a stern talking to.

In his truck, Rene shrieks, and howls like a dog on Ritalin to Devil in Disguise, before speeding away to Merlotte’s were he sits for a bit at a table. Sookie comes in, and is immediately met with a hundred vicious thoughts about her and Jason, as well as the smiling face of Andy Bellefleur, as he brags to the local slut bags that it was he alone who nabbed the wily Jason Stackhouse, serial killer. Bud Dearborn gets irate and takes off, while Sookie stands, shocked, before Sam pulls her out of the crowd, and tries sending her to his trailer to rest. She refuses, saying she’d rather drive around, and eventually wins the argument for her safety. Sookie heads off to her car, but it won’t start. Rene appears at the window, and offers to take a look. After a moment, he admits he doesn’t know much about fixin’ cars, and offers Sookie a ride, and some company till Sam shows up. Sookie accepts the offer, and everyone watching is probably hollering at their TV’s right now. Whether it’s because Sookie stuns us with her inability to use common sense once again, or the typical movie ’shock’ shouting.

Terry pulls up in his truck, and tells Sookie that he told his cousin, Andy Bellefleur, that he’s known killers, and Jason ain’t one. Sookie thanks him, but Terry laments once again, that no one ever listens to him, but they should. As they head over to Rene’s truck, we get a close up of Sookie’s engine, and some important little lines have been cut. To what, who knows, but it sure looks important. In the truck on the way to Sookie’s house, Sookie tells  Rene, or Drew Marshall, that she can’t believe Jason gave him his truck. Rene tells her that he tried to talk Jason out of it, –liar!, –but Jason “wu’d'n’t havin’ it”. Rene/Drew asks if it’s true about Sookie, that she can really hear thoughts, and then tries to mask his thoughts with “think about nothin’, nothin’” and so on. Sookie tells him not to bother thinking about nothing because it isn’t possible. And yet, she continues to miss that fact that he doesn’t think with an accent. Oh wait, there it is, sounds like a couple of the blonde marbles in Sookie’s head finally collided and sparked.

Rene/Drew remarks that it must be hard on Sookie, “livin’ wit that” and she agrees, telling him that people think a lot of ugly thoughts, and that she’s used to hearing them about herself, but not about her brother. She states that Jason, her brother, is all she has left. Rene/Drew scoops a wadded up, hopefully unused tissue out of his pocket to give to Sookie, who dries her eyes. The camera followed his hand suspiciously, so while he’s reaching, we’re left to wonder if he’s reaching for a weapon, or just adjusting his boner. Which he might have done in the process of getting the tissue. Eww. He tells Sookie that he’s lost people too, by way of sympathy, but if Sookie knew he was actually talking about strangling the life out of his sister, she might have said something other than “Thank you”. Probably something with a “you” at the end, though, following with a bunch of scratching, and hair pulling. Because, you know, that’s just how blondes fight; it’s nature.

Sadly however, Sookie is telepathic, not clairvoyant, and so on she rides with the fake Cajun serial killer. At Arlene’s house, her two kids sit spellbound and terrified watching the tape that disappeared earlier in the season, of Maudette getting rapidly screwed by the bald vampire who makes a lot of weird noises during sex. Arlene enters, appears to have a mild stroke, and snatches the remote away with a “What the hell are you watchin’?!” She asks her kids where they found the tape, and after some cajoling accompanied with the evil glare of a severely pissed off parent, they tell her it’s Rene’s, and that they found it in the garage. Arlene goes through the toolbox the kids apparently took the tape from, and finds tapes labeled with several names; no doubt Maudette’s taped debasement. She also finds a cassette tape labeled “Cajun Dialect for Actors”. Oh no, might the wedding be off?! Say it ain’t so!

Sookie and Rene are just arriving back at her gran’s house, and both agree that the house is too hot to handle, so Sookie tells her murderer to relax, kick back, while she gets him an ice tea. Rene switches on the fan, the one he’d previously hung Sookie’s cat Tina from, and leans against the parlor entrance, surveying the room, and seeing the shotgun Sam had been loading the other night. Oooh. Back at the bar, Lafayette is cleaning tables and complaining about the backwoods assholes not liking his cooking, before he finds Rene/Drew’s vest, and tosses it to Sam for Lost and Found. Sam takes a whiff of it, and smells Dawn’s sheets; you know, the ones he was wallerin’ around in after she’d been dead on them for a while? Yeah, those. Yummy. Sam flips, and runs off, looking for Sookie. Her car’s parked in the lot still, but Terry is there, smoking, and Sam asks, more than a little excited, where she is. Terry tells him she headed off with Rene, and Sam takes off at a run through the woods.

In the kitchen at Sookie’s, when she asks if Rene takes his tea sweet, he pops up and tells her ‘yes, ma’am’ right before he starts having flashbacks of stabbing Gran in the kitchen. Oh boy. Sookie drops the pitcher of tea, and Rene/Drew/deranged psychopath, offers to help/murder her in cold blood. Sookie declines his friendly offer, and heads off to find a mop/firearm, while Rene/Drew follows, looking ready to rumble. Sookie grabs the gun, and the resident psychopath tells her she won’t shoot him. Apparently, this isn’t bravado, but sheer fact. Rene has removed the shells, but his nasty thoughts freak him out long enough for Sookie to use the gun like a bat and his head like a shiny new baseball. Unfortunately, Rene’s head does not pop off and fly towards centerfield, but Sookie sure tries like hell to run her bases anyway. Annnnd, she’s off, with the psycho close behind! Sookie flings the shotgun into the bushes, and heads towards the cemetery, while Rene stands on the porch calling her names.

Oddly, Rene/Drew with a plain accent sounds weird and wrong to the ears, like, maybe the actor is Creole/Cajun, or maybe we’re just so used to hearing him with an accent that it’s kind of a shock to hear him without it? Either way, he’s pissed, and catching up, while he thinks of murdering his sister. He flashes back to his sister in the bathroom, trying to cover up vampire bite marks. He tells her she can’t cover up what she’s done, and Cindy calls him a freak for watching her. Back to the high speed chase through the woods, Sookie in the lead, but psycho close on her tail. Psycho flashback again; Drew as we know him now, calls his sister a freak, loudly, and preceded by “fuckin” a few times, before Cindy tells him to get the fuck out. Sookie continues watching Drew murder his sister, in Dolby digital for the mind, and then Maudette, then Dawn, then Amy, while Drew flips out and hollers about Sookie rummaging through his mind and watching his disgusting home videos.

Sookie takes advantage of Drew’s pause for mental clarity, and looks for somewhere to hide in the cemetery. Bill is shaken awake by the sounds of Sookie in distress, just as Sam arrives in a Jeep, parking and coming out of the car in a run. He bolts into the house, sees Rene/Drew’s belt on the floor and a trail of blood leading out the door. He runs back to the porch, takes a deep breath, and runs towards the smell of blonde about to be dead. He strips on the way, so maybe he’s going to turn into something slightly more formidable than a house pet? Bill meanwhile, has crawled out of his hidey hole, and into the searing sunlight throughout his home, to help Sookie. Blisters and burns bubble all over his face and skin, and by the time he opens the door he’s groaning in pain, and looking like the worst thing a burn ward has ever seen. Determined, he ventures outside, and ambles off the porch. Also determined, Rene/Drew the Psycho-Killer, is still jogging around looking for Sookie.

Apparently, not the brightest of fiends, he hollers for Sookie and tries to seduce her with the promise of being friends. Sookie might be thick, but she isn’t retarded; then again, she is hiding in an open grave. As Rene approaches her spot, he’s thinking some pretty graphic things, that Sookie overhears from her spot in the ground. Then he thinks he lost her, and that he ought to go back in the woods to check. Up she pops, right into the waiting claws of an angry psycho. He hauls her up, and plops her down, and Sookie’s head smacks the back of a tombstone, before the front of her head meets the lunatic’s fist a couple times, as he thoroughly scolds and strangles her for being a vampire fucking bitch. Bill, bald now and charred, is stumbling through the daylight, towards the sound of screaming, and choking Sookie and screaming crazy ass Rene/Drew.

Sookie starts to slump into unconsciousness, just as Lassie, oh, I mean Sam, rushes in and jump on his back. The psycho picks up a statue of Mary and cracks the poor doggie one good one. Sam the Super Dog goes down, and Rene stands, looking a little pleased with himself, and begins drop kicking the animal, who then turns into a naked Sam. That freaks him out more than a little, and he begins kicking the unconscious, naked shapeshifter quite passionately, demanding a to know “what the fuck” he is. Bill, ambling down the hill in charbroiled zombie mode, calls for Sookie who immediately wakes up, grabs a shovel, and smacks the back of Rene/Drew’s head hard enough to knock him forward, on his face. But he’s not done yet; he hollers, grabs Sookie’s ankle, and she primes up with the shovel in the classic “I’m about to cut yer fuckin’ head off with this ‘ere shovel” move. She doesn’t quite cut his head off, he’s more like the southern equivalent of J.K. Rowling’s character “Nearly Headless Nick”. Rene/Drew is now “Nearly Headless Dick”.

Just as Sam approaches Sookie, the two remember that Bill is sizzling nearby, looking quite overdone. Sookie rushes to his side, and Bill, still alive, manages to whisper that he’s sorry. Sookie begins to bawl, and Sam rushes over, declaring that they have to get Bill out of the light. Um… duh? Sam carries Bill to the open grave, and buries him. All this, by the way, he does in the nude, which would be hot if the circumstances were different. Well, yeah, it’s still hot. Sookie wakes up later, her face varying shades of purple, to Tara, Lafayette, and Sam looking over her like the characters in the final scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Sookie tells Tara how pretty she looks, that it’s like, “someone turned a light on under her skin”. Sam basically states that the reason Sookie sounds like she’s on drugs, is because she is. Sookie tells them that Sam saved her, and turned into a dog, and Lafayette mentions he could use some drugs like that. That’s when Sam pretty much breaks up the party, and clears them out.

Sookie tells Sam what a good man he is, and Tara looks away, upset, but then Arlene runs in with flowers, while Sookie is laying there with tears on her severely fucked up face. Arlene bursts into tears, and offers a confused Sookie the flowers while Sam leans to try to comfort the traumatized woman. At the sheriff’s office, Bud Dearborn explains to Andy what’s what and that Drew Marshall, or Rene, or whoever, is the killer, and Andy gets thoroughly and properly pissed off. Bud tells him to get ahold of himself, and that since Andy brought him in, it’s his duty to let him go too. Andy is obviously still certain that it was Jason who killed the women, but Bud isn’t having it. He tells him “right now” and Andy hunkers down, and goes off like an evil troll to do what he was told.

In his cell, Jason asks Andy for a magazine because his brochure the Fellowship of the Sun is putting him to sleep, but Andy tells him to get out of there. Jason asks if it’s a trick or something, but Andy practically roars back that it’s a “god damn miracle”. Jason, no doubt coated in previously airborn Andy spit, looks up into the fluorescent bulb of his cell like he has been in fact, showered with God’s praise, instead of Andy’s drool. Oh boy. In Sookie’s living room, Arlene paces, still half crying, and asking to be forgiven for not knowing Rene/Drew was a freak from Hell, repeatedly. Arlene’s more than plenty shocked herself, that she brought him round her kids, slept with him, and so on, without knowing he was nuts, but Sookie sympathizes; even she didn’t know. Arlene asks Sookie to promise her though, that the next guy she dates, will receive a thorough mind scan from Sookie. She tries to tell Arlene that’s not how it works, but she still demands a promise from the more than a little confused near murder victim. Ah, those demanding redheads.

Arlene asks if Bill will be okay, and Sookie begins to cry, before telling Arlene, “I don’t think so”. Arlene tries to soothe her, while Lafayette leaves Tara and Sam alone on the porch to make sure Terry isn’t “PTSD’in’ all over the clam chowder”. Tara and Sam stand awkwardly apart, before Sam asks where Tara was, and explains that he left her messages. Tara, unconcerned that she hasn’t actually received any messages, tells him so, and that they don’t have to go into anything now, because of what just happened with Sookie, thanking him for being there. Sam presses ahead though, telling Tara how worried he was, and Tara says, “I’m sure you were,” still in that casual, passive voice that seems to say, “I don’t give a shit”. Maryann pulls up, and Tara goes to leave, after telling Sam that he’s amazing, he deserves everything he wants, and “so do I”. She kisses him and heads off, as Maryann approaches. Apparently, Sam knows the crazy pig lady, and asks her what the hell she’s doing there.

Maryann asks him if he really thought she wouldn’t find him, and calls poor Sam a silly dog, with a nasty little grin, and heads back to her car. Arlene is still sitting, telling Sookie she’s sorry, and that she should have known because there were things he liked to do in bed that were… yeah, anyway, before she can say anything more appalling, Jason comes in the house to check on Sookie. He hugs her, and tells her how happy he is to see her, before Sookie reminds him that she’s bruised all over and he’s squeezing her. Aww, it’s a cute little brotherly error. Another good ones is coming up, right when Jason tells Sookie that if he was still alive he’d fuckin kill him again. Arlene, looking miserable, excuses herself to cry. Jason tells Sookie that while he was in jail, he thought of all the stupid things he’d done, and Sookie, though drug addled, remarks that it must have kept him busy. The insult flies over Jason’s head as he goes on, and tells Sookie that he thought all he was good at was drinkin’ and chasin’ women, but Sookie says ‘that’s not true’. She tries to think of something else, but comes up with football, and Jason denies it, since he wasn’t good enough for a scholarship.

Jason goes on to say that all he could think was that his life wasn’t worth nothin’, and that all he could think to do was end it. Sookie begins to get concerned, but Jason interrupts and tells her that that’s when he was saved, and given another chance. He goes on to say that God made all of it happen for a reason, but when Sookie asks what the reason was, Jason admits he doesn’t know. But that he does know he was meant to do somethin’ important, and he kisses Sookie on the head, before assuring her that from now on, he’s gonna take good care of her. Sookie tells him she’d rather he just took care of himself, and stayed out of trouble. He says he will, and he stumbles off, nearly tripping over the coffee table, before assuring her from the foyer that he’s good. Jason is such a sweety, it’s a damn shame that he was born with even fewer brains than Sookie. She laughs softly as he manages to make it out of the room without killing himself.

Lafayette, back at Merlotte’s is taking out the garbage, bitching prissily about folks leaving garbage by the side of the dumpster, while something watches from the woods, then rushes up and pounces on him. Sookie is watching The Little Princess (the Shirley Temple version), while sitting up, looking lethargic, and much the worse for wear. Meanwhile, something speeds toward her house and onto the porch. As Sookie watches, the doorbell rings. She answers, and it’s Bill. Sookie, breathless, exclaims “You’re alive” and Bill, ever the wit, says, “Well, technically no,” but to hell with it, he’s not as dead as he looked earlier, so yaaay! He tells Sookie he fed, and she invites him in. He accepts, she closes the door. When Bill sees the condition she’s in, he immediately goes to bite his wrist, in order to give her blood, so that she’ll heal faster. But Sookie stops him, and tells him she just wants to feel human right now. Fuck that, I’d be like, “Okay, and did you bring any vicodin?”

Bill tries to tell Sookie that he failed her, and that he couldn’t protect her, but Sookie cuts him off, and tells him her life is “too short for all that”. They kiss and make up, thank god. Two weeks later, the staff at Merlotte’s stands around watching the news report that vampire marriage has been legalized in Vermont. Arlene pokes at Sookie and tells her now she and Bill can get hitched. Sookie blushes and her that Bill hasn’t even asked her yet. Sam goes off on a tangent about how she should marry Bill because the party would put Arlene’s to shame, and so on. Sookie stomps off, and Tara goes to Sam to lecture him on his broken tact-o-meter. She tries quoting Maryann, but Sam, who already knows the crazy bitch, doesn’t want to hear it. He asks about Lafayette instead, and mentions he’s about to lose his job. Tara tells Sam that Lafayette once disappeared to be a Go-Go dancer, so apparently, Lafayette is full of surprises. Sam mutter “fantastic” and heads off to be grumpy.

Terry and Arlene are the only ones left standing at the bar. He tells her that people never really disappear, that the good parts just stay put. Arlene, looking plenty sad, tells him she hopes he’s right. Terry in turn, compliments her hairstyle saying that it, “looks like a sunset after a bomb went off”, reassuring her after the bizarre compliment that he means, “pretty”. Arlene grins a little, hesitantly, and touches her hair. Over at the Fellowship of the Sun, people are sitting in pews listening to bullshit stream forth from the man at the podium. And standing near the front row applauding is Jason Stackhouse, who leans over to kiss his new friend’s head. At Merlotte’s, Tara is cutting a forlorn Andy off, who grouses that once, the Bellefleurs practically owned Bon Temps, even the ground the bar was built on. Tara obliges, and pours his own last drink, his “pity party” as she calls it. She starts spouting her happy go lucky shit to Andy but he tells her to save, before they have their mutual last double of Scotch.

Sookie, stylin’ and profilin’ with loose curls takes Hoyt a beer and burger, when he asks where Vampire Bill is, and if he’s off celebrating at a vampire party. Sookie tells him they’re celebrating later, together. Hoyt says he doesn’t buy into all the talk, and says if he met a nice vampire girl, he’d be proud to have her on his arm. Sookie laughs when Hoyt asks if Bill knows anyone his age, and goes on back to work. At his home across from the cemetery, Bill plays the piano, and Jessica zips in followed by Eric and Pam, who looks fabulous in a pastel greenish blue sweater suit. Bill asks Eric what’s up, and Eric looking taxed and pale, even for a vampire, says there are favors, and then there are -favors-”. Pam remedies Bill’s questioning look by stating bluntly that Jessica is extremely annoying, and Bill starts to tantrum, but sucks it up when Eric suggests he’ll take Sookie if Bill won’t deal with Jessica. That pisses him off a little, but Bill manages to clean his act up a bit. Pam rolls her eyes, ready to go, and tells Bill good luck, as the two head off, with Eric chuckling and commenting in a foreign tongue.

Jessica looks at Bill and asks who’s good to eat around here, before flashing fang. Bleh, I can see her as becoming extremely obnoxious in the second season. She giggles while Bill has that “Son of a bitch…” look on his face. At Merlotte’s Andy lays on the bar, looking pitiful. Sookie tries to get his keys, but Andy refuses, thinking that she was right about him, that he’s a pathetic loser and everyone knows it. Sookie tells him that seeing him in pain doesn’t make her happy, and she even calls him ‘Detective Bellefleur’ before she goes to call his sister to come get him. Andy, pouting, sort of comes to a bit and straightens up. Meanwhile, Sam is still stomping around the bar looking thoroughly agitated. He goes to his safe, and begins emptying it of cash, no doubt leaving because of that crazy bitch with the pig. Outside, Andy is looking for his car, while Tara and Sookie try to dissuade him from going out on the road.

Andy reassures them that he just needs his keys out of the car, but he can’t find the car. He goes on a short tirade about how the town is going to shit, before Sookie points out his car a little way off. Andy approaches, looking as if he’s trying to keep from puking, passing out, and falling down, all at once. The back door to the car is open. When Andy opens the door, a black leg, wearing red toenail polish flops out. Andy says, “that ain’t mine, I swear” and the two women begin screaming. And that, is the season finale! Woo! Meet me back here later, boys and ghouls when I get going on the second season! Yeehaw!

Related Reading:

Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West (Modern Library)

En autocar--: Excursions de chez nous (Les livres du bon temps de chez nous) (French Edition)

The Essential HBO Reader (Essential Readers in Contemporary Media)

The Health of a Rural County: Perspectives and Problems

Motoring from McCloud

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