“Jesus Christ!” Sam repeats the expletive, a couple times, and gosh it’s a good thing everybody has lost their frigging minds, or someone might be offended. Sam waves Daphne’s boots around in shock, jibbering, and pointing. Before Sam and Daphne can get to any full fledged making out, a giggling Arlene and flushed Terry come stumbling up behind them. Terry grins and greets Sam, Arlene gives a snippy greeting to Daphne, before Terry whisks Arlene off to go fool around in the woods. Daphne, naked, kisses Sam on the cheek and runs off, leaving him to bid an awkward farewell to Terry and Arlene. Back at the Hotel Carmilla, as you’ll recall, Sookie is chasing down her newfound friend, the hesitant telepathic, Barry the Bellboy. He’s not interested in knowing Sookie at all, and Sookie is just so excited, she probably wants to hug him and shower him in Hallmark cards and flowers.

A glamoured human stumbles into them, and Sookie grumbles back at him, –Barry warns her not to do that, but she shrugs him off, pointing out that the recently fed on human’s mind is “full of fog and disco music.” Sookie tries in vain to bring Barry around, and asks him telepathically, if he’d ever heard vampire thoughts. Barry gets pale, turns around, and comes back to tell her never to say anything like that, and warns her about the lunatic vampires in Dallas. He stalks off, and Sookie does likewise. In their room, Bill is chastizing Jessica for feeding on a human; her defense is that she ordered him off the menu. Bill sends her to her room when Sookie enters, and of course, Bill is irate that Sookie left the room. Jessica stalks off and slams the door, no doubt planning to order all kinds of raunchy porno off the hotel’s pay-per-view channel, and Bill sets in to warn Sookie about the big bad Dallas vampires. Sookie’s argument is “I’m yours,” and she informs Bill while taking his clothes off; she’s rarin’ and ready to go, but Bill is intent on being the adult. He asks her to just do what she’s told, for her own sake, and Sookie tells him she knows, and basically, will behave.

Sookie isn’t dissuaded from her mood to get all mushy, and reminds Bill that since they’re in a light-tight vampire hotel, he won’t have to leave her in bed alone. Bill tells Sookie his only desire is to keep her safe, and she reaches down to check on his “only desire”, and discovers his statement false. Oh my. The two get all cute and mushy, and poor Jessica, cursed with excellent hearing, tries to smother the grossness by calling Hoyt, who answers the phone by stating, “You’re talkin’ to the man.” Nice. When he realizes it’s Jessica, his big, dumb, and macho act falls through, and he turns back into the sweet little puppy we know and love. Hoyt tells her that he can’t stop thinking about her, and they have a giggly little young love moment, -or would have had, if Hoyt obnoxious mother Maxine Fortenberry hadn’t barged in with her hair in curlers, hissing at him about the late night phone call. Maxine must have vampire hearing, because his cell phone ring tone was not that loud.

Hoyt chases his idiotic mother off, and hunkers down on the phone once more, and Jessica tells him she can’t stop thinking about him either. Jessica tells him she’s bored over there, and Hoyt suggests they watch TV long distance, or he could tell her about his comic book. Jessica agrees to do both, and the two cuties curl up. I hate to be a party-pooper here, but Jessica doesn’t have a cell phone charger to go with the phone she snagged from Leon… that’s going to suck major! At the house full of Bible bangers, Jason is sleeping like a cute little cult member kitten, when some crazed man with an air horn barges in to wake him up, and throw sweats at him. Jason is herded downstairs, stumbling into his sweats and being called names. On the lawn, the rest of the Vampire Slaying 101 class has assembled, while Sarah Newlin and our new friend, the wannabe drill sergeant observe. It’s the ass crack of dawn and she’s wearing blinding pastel yellow sweats, and carrying a clip board, and explaining that God needs their obedience and bla “>bla “>bla “>bla bla bla.

When Jason asks for a bathroom, Sarah Newlin tells him “…not until you’ve earned it,” and Jason is not amused. The weird Bible thumper drill sergeant commands “Drop and gimme 30!” and shoves him down. Sadly, Jason doesn’t bash him. When the Luke-inator laughs, he’s ordered to “Drop and gimme 50!” Haha, neener; Jason and Luke get competitive with their push-ups, and Jason puts one hand behind his back. Oooh, sexy. At Sookie’s house, Tara wakes up beside Eggs, and leans over him to listen to his heart. Yeah, good idea. I’m surprized either of them are alive after all the booze and pot they’ve been sucking down. Eggs is in fact, alive, so Tara leans over to look at Sookie’s birthday present to her; the picture of Gran, with Sookie and Tara as little girls. The creepy one. Any chance of them having sex that morning is obliterated. Oh well. How many people think of their best friend’s grandma when they’re laying in bed with a naked man? Don’t everybody jump up at once.

Eggs sits up beside her, when he notices she’s awake, and mumbles morning-talk to her. You know, the noises you make when you wake up that aren’t quite actual speech? Tara shows Eggs the photo, and tells him what a good person Gran was. Eggs asks what she’d think of him, and Tara tells him that Gran would like him, since she could appreciate a handsome man. Honey, I doubt Gran would be very keen on you screwing him in her house. They talk some more about cutesy romantic things, and Eggs promises her that her first good birthday was only the first of many. Back at Hotel Matte Painting, or uh, -cough- the Hotel Carmilla, Sookie wakes up in the dark beside a sleeping Bill, –it’s still daylight out. Sookie goes downstairs to get breakfast and discovers the true meaning of “Continental Breakfast.” Ah, we all remember the day when we discovered our first selection of miniature cereals, Luke-warm milk, toxic orange juice, barely thawed Danish, and soggy toast in a hotel lobby. Sookie doesn’t falter though, she chooses the Danish, –excellent choice, –before pouncing on Barry once more.

Barry isn’t having it, and asks her why she won’t leave him alone, not all that surprised when she doesn’t pick up the “rhetorical question” hint. She tells him, it’s because she’s never met another telepath, and asks him if he has. Barry tells her no, and not to say the word “telepath”, but Sookie argues. I realize, Barry will eventually be important, but God, Sookie is sure being annoying right now. When Sookie tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Barry argues, telling her it’s impossible for him to think or feel normal unless he’s around vampires. Sookie can sympathize, and does, forcefully. A woman thinking loudly about what a, –yes, a very dirty pun is intended, –pain in the ass a Brazilian wax is, interrupts Sookie and Barry’s discussion. Sookie loudly infiltrates his mind, trying to get him to concentrate in order to shut out the obnoxious woman with several bite marks all over her. He tells the woman looking to be hired as a professional food source to fill out an application, despite their being already fully staffed.

Sookie tries to reassure him that he can control it, but he doesn’t believe her, and isn’t interested, even when she offers to teach him how; he walks off with the woman in the hideous dress and leaves Sookie to steal some bananas. Sookie tries to quietly climb back in bed with Bill, but he wakes up, and she’s busted. She explains to Bill that she met another telepath, even though he’s not nice, or “good at it.” Bill disapproves and warms up for a long, over-protective rant, and Sookie prepares her equally naive defense. The end result is Sookie’s victory, –of course, the woman always wins, or the world falls apart. Bill admits that he feels like a human, and worse yet, like a waitress. Someone from Costumes please, get Bill a pair of those fabulous skimpy booty shorts! Bill, beaten, changes the subject to Eric’s intensity about the mission to find Godric, and Bill tells Sookie he doesn’t trust it. Sookie reassures Bill that they can just do the job, and go home, but Bill thinks Eric might screw them over. Sookie counters that Eric won’t wanna make her mad, because he needs her.

Bill obviously doesn’t like that, but can’t argue, except to say “I can’t lose you.” Sookie tells him he won’t and the two snuggle up. Awww. At Merlotte’s Daphne and Arlene are getting snippy with each other; apparently, Daphne didn’t do her closing prep, but Arlene did. So while Arlene breaks before her shift, Daphne whines for help. Terry shows up to help stock the bar, and is a little awkward and tight lipped with Arlene, who doesn’t get it. Daphne spots him and calls on Terry for help, but Arlene tells him not to, –back and forth, Daphne wants help, Arlene says no, and finally Terry wanders off mumbling. Arlene goes after him, snapping at Daphne as she runs off to comfort Terry. Sam walks in for a quiet word with Daphne about last night; her running off, and leaving him stranded, –and of course he wants to know when they can hook up. She tells him that she just needed a run, and “soon”. Arlene listens in disapprovingly, but before she can put her two cents in, Lafayette walks through the door, quiet and subdued. Arlene rushes up to give him a hug, and Terry is overjoyed. Lafayette asks to talk to Sam and the two head back to Sam’s office.

Sam starts in reaming Lafayette, telling him that they didn’t know what happened to him, whether he was alive or dead, and so on. Lafayette says “Sorry,” but with none of his usual sass and quip. Sam asks what he wanted to talk about, and Lafayette simply asks for his job back. Sam goes on another mini-tirade, telling him that the stress of running the kitchen almost put Terry back in a VA hospital, but winds down quickly and tells Lafayette he can have his job back. Before Lafayette leaves, Sam, instead of asking “where have you been?”, asks “what happened to you?” The scene almost makes me cry, –Lafayette’s character has altered that much. Lafayette leaves without answering. Poor baby. Back at the Bible Banger Camp, the crazy drill instructor and Sarah Newlin are riding in a golf cart. The instructor shouts at the jogging “trainees”; one middle aged guy drops, and Jason stops to help him, but Luke-inator antagonizes him, and speeds off. Jason eventually gives up on the guy just wants to go back to being a bank teller, and jogs off to catch up with the group.

At Sookie’s house, Maryann is in the kitchen making her huge breakfast, when Tara comes downstairs, wondering what the hell she’s still there for. And Maryann has big news! She needs a place to stay! Ha, naturally. Tara tells her basically, that she needs to GTFO, because Tara is a guest in the house herself, and can’t just fill up Sookie’s house with people she doesn’t know. Damn right! Apparently, Maryann’s house belonged to a “client”, and he’s moving back in. Uh huh. She’s a scandalous ho, and you’ve got to keep an eye on her. Maryann sniffles and leaves, –manipulative psycho. Tara head to the other room to see if Eggs knew what was going on, and sadly, the string bean dingbat is like, “Oh cool, hur hur,” and Tara tells him flat out, that they can’t all stay there. Eggs doesn’t care, and flippantly tells her they’ll just go somewhere else. Tara asks if they’re nomads or something, but Eggs says it doesn’t matter as long as you’re with people you love.

Tara corrects him, setting him straight, that other things do matter, like the truth, and she demands to know what his thing with Maryann is. Eggs lays on a heavy guilt trip, and leaves her sitting there. Poor idiot is brainwashed, Carl is a zombie, and Maryann runs around naked stalking blondes with nasty poisonous claws. Yeah, Tara, that’s family. You’re the bad one, now climb in your pod so we can suck your brains out. Speaking of the brainless, the Soldiers of the Sun or whatever they call themselves, are stopped at a fence. Each of the trainees has to climb over, and after one guy flops over it and bites the dust on the other side, it’s Luke’s turn. Luke can’t make it, so the nutty instructor start hollering and harassing him. Jason’s up next, and in his infinite sweetness, instead of leaving Luke behind, he helps him over the fence. Awww. Sarah Newlin is beyond enthusiastic, and it’s impossible not to notice her huge figurative woody for Jason. In Dallas, Bill, Sookie, and Eric are meeting with the vampires of Godric’s area, that seem to be barely functioning without him.

Isabelle, with a hint of Spanish accent, is the one who hired Sookie, and Stan is against it. Eric paces, only interested in what’s being done to find Godric. Stan wants to obliterate the Fellowship of the Sun, Isabelle, however, with both Bill and Sookie, agree that it would be disastrous, and the King of Texas would be most displeased. Stan doesn’t care, and Isabelle warns him not to make a power play just because of Godric’s disappearance. Eric, getting more pissed off by the second, hollers at them, for being “incompetent”, wondering aloud why Godric surrounds himself with clowns. Isabelle gets in his shit, and tells him he was invited out of courtesy, stand, much more direct, tells him to run along in an absolutely delicious Texan accent. They bicker, and Stan claims he has a plan, –that is, to raid the Fellowship of the Sun’s headquarters and start a “war.” Eric calls them idiots, and turns away, disgusted. At the Newlin mansion, Steve and Sarah are arguing about “stuff”, –apparently, the big bald drill instructor wannabe is Gabe, and he always knows more than Sarah, even though she and Steve are “supposed to be partners.” Aww, poor blondie. Steve tells her he doesn’t have time for this, and walks off to talk to Gabe.

Steve hands Gabe a folder, while Sarah protests that he doesn’t listen to her, and is taking things “too darn far.” Steve tells Gabe there is “very important information” in the folder, and Gabe takes off. Before Sarah and Steve can renew their debate, Jason comes down the stairs, greeted happily by Mrs. Newlin. Sarah tells Steve how great Jason was that day, and Steve tells him he’s rising to the next level. Jason, clueless, asks what that is; we’re all wondering what the limits of this madness could possibly be too. Steve leads Jason away to show him something, and when Sarah tries to tag along, Steve blows her off. Steve complains to Jason that sometimes he understands people who believe in divorce. Shiiit, yeah, because having your own brainless blonde slave must get awful boring! Steve shows Jason into the ‘Research and Development’ facilities; a big room containing several fully automatic military assault style weapons, designed-with-vampires-in-mind ammo, a flamethrower, plenty of wooden arrows, and more!

Jason wanders the room in awe, while Steve Newlin shows him around, from silver throwing stars, to a frigging rocket launcher. Jason, practically a walking Ode to the Easily Impressed, looks like a kid in a candy store. Over at Merlotte’s, Carl and Maryann park outside so that Maryann can do her impression of a human vibrator; what goes on inside is the real show. Everyone melts down, snapping and getting pissed off at each other, and then redirect all their nastiness to Tara, who eventually tells them all to fuck off. Satisfied, Maryann and her manslave, Carl, drive off. At the Newlin mansion, Jason is taking a bath, in an enormous bathroom while angels float around in a huge domed ceiling, giving one the creepy impression that they’re er…. staring. Gross. Sarah Newlin walks in, behind him, and closes the door; Jason, who doesn’t know she’s there, says to get on, ‘bathtub’s occupied’. Mrs. Newlin, the dirty little blonde dinghead, has finally broken down. She says, “I know,” and Jason I’d say, now definitely knows it’s her.

Jason turns around and snatches a towel, then offers to leave if he stayed too long in the bathroom. Maryann locks the door behind her, and offers to help him. Oh boy. Jason looks shocked, and a million thoughts are probably trying to go through his head, except only one can fit at a time. And since they’re Jason’s thoughts, they’re probably beating each other up to get in. Sarah strolls over, and takes his towel, before sitting on her knees, rolling up one sleeve, and using a –of course, –yellow loofah, to wash Jason. He looks both torn, and thrilled; when have we known Jason to be afraid of willing pussy? He must have found Jesus after all! Sarah tells Jason about Mary Magdalene washing the feet of Jesus, –an interesting choice of icebreakers for cheating on your husband with his new friend. Somehow I doubt Mary Magdalene ever talked Jesus into getting a handjob in the bathtub, but Jason is easily convinced when she tells him that God wants him to have a reward. And with her hand around your tool, could you say no?

At Godric’s nest in Dallas, Stan and Isabelle are still arguing; Stan is for a war on the Fellowship of the Sun, and Isabelle is arguing against it, neither bringing up Godric, –Eric does though, angry and breaking things. Bill states that there is a traitor in their midst, but the two Dallas vampires don’t believe him. Finally, Sookie speaks up with her plan to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun, and check out their thoughts while she’s there. Bill isn’t for it at all, since in the daytime no one can help her, but Eric wants to hear her out, –mostly because it benefits him. She insists she can do it, and Stan walks off, claiming he wants no part, especially since they could easily kill all of them. Isabelle reluctantly agrees to Sookie’s plan, and Eric determines the decision final. Bill, looking none too pleased, asks Eric to step out with him for a private chat, leaving Sookie there, looking slightly awkward. Isabelle approaches her, and asks how her relationship with Bill is going. Eric and Bill, in another part of the house, pause for a few words. Bill brings up Sookie’s latest near death experience, and states that Eric knew she’d end up in danger again, and demands to know why he’s taking all this trouble for Godric.

Eric looks pained, which is sweet and sad on him; he flashes back. Three warrior types are trudging along in the mud, Viking style Norse men, or “Northmen”. Eric, the “Northman”, is wounded from battle and being half dragged, half carried through the woods. They all fall, and Eric tells them to leave him, because he’s finished. But the two loyal soldiers tell him no, because he saved their lives a hundred times, they would rather wait with him and be at his side when he dies. They describe the reception waiting for him in Valhalla, “meat, beer, gold, and women!” Eric tells them wherever he goes, there will always be women. Aww, even a thousand years ago, Eric was a ladies man. Eric smiles, though dying, and allows them to carry him once more, barely on his feet. On a high deathbed, Eric lays ready to die. One of his men approaches, and tells him not to be afraid, but Eric says he’s not afraid, he’s “pissed off”. Yes because, they had that expletive a thousand years ago… hmm, I doubt it. Suddenly, something rushes out of the woods, and before the men have time to so much as raise their weapons, their throats are ripped open, and a beautiful boy with tribal tattoos perches beside Eric, blood running down his face.

Hey, don’t let me get carried away describing Godric, but he is damn gorgeous. Eric asks if he is Death, the boy tells him yes, and Eric says, “But you’re just a little boy.” Godric says, “I’m not.” Eric, near death, whispers, “My men…” and Godric says shortly, “Dead.” Eric calls him swine, but undeterred, Godric begins telling him that he saw him fighting on the battlefield, and that he’d never seen anyone fight like Eric. Eric tells him he’d fight him now if he could; Godric laughs quietly, and says he knows, “it’s beautiful.” Though the scene is poignant, Eric wants to get it over with and die, so he asks Godric what he’s waiting for, to kill him. Godric instead asks if he could be a companion of Death, walk through the world with him, through the dark, with Godric as his father, brother, and son, –Eric asks what’s in it for him, and Godric tells him, life, –the thing Eric loves most. Eric repeats, “Life,” and Godric begins to drain him, in order to begin the process of turning him.

Fast-forward, and Eric, looking miserable, tells Bill quietly, “Godric is my maker.” Aww, poor baby. At Merlotte’s, Daphne is help close up with Sam, and apparently, the two are alone, since they start rubbing up against each other near one of the pool tables. Daphne remarks about how “hot” Sam is, –trust me, woman, we know, –and Sam explains that he does too, instead of being at the normal 98.6, he always runs around 100, or 101. Daphne tells him she does too, that it’s a “shifter thing”. She tells him that she’s surprised he never met another shifter, and Sam reveals hat he has run into werewolves. Daphne rolls her eyes; I guess werewolves are icky and gross?  Daphne asks, curious, what it feels like for him to change, and he tells her that it’s like sparks running all over his skin, that it used to scare him. Daphne says it was the same for her, now it just feels awesome though. Sam goes on to subtly compare it to an orgasm, and that gets them going. Personally, I wouldn’t ever do anything on a pool table, rednecks touch the same felt lining all day. Yuck. After a raunchy joke about billiard equipment, Sam displays an obvious lack of consideration for the hygienic concerns, and mounts Daphne right there on the pool table. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And I don’t trust Daphne, she sucks at being a waitress too much to be normal.

At the hotel, Bill and Sookie are headed to their room, when Sookie tells him she needs to ask about “human stuff”, –Bill waits for her at the elevator, and Sookie goes to the front desk to ask about Barry the Bellboy. The receptionist informs her that Barry quit that day, and Sookie is shocked, but thanks the woman, who probably thinks Sookie is either getting it on with him, or deranged. She walks off to join Bill. At Sookie’s house, something really sick and twisted and gross is going on. Maryann is sitting at Gran’s table, reading some book with “HeartSick” on the cover, –probably about surgical cardiology, and she’s only reading it for a) its value as a cookbook, or b) the pictures. Maryann is also wearing what looks like, one of Gran’s dresses. I am thoroughly disturbed and grossed out. Tara approaches this alarming scene, and good god, get ready for plenty of backpedaling, manipulation, and brainfucking. Maryann looks old without make-up, or has make-up on to make her look old, and has her hair is a loose bun.

It’s enough to make you puke in your soup. Really. The Gran-pretender, asks Sookie how her day was (what big eyes you have, Grandma!), and Tara tells her it was really rough. Maryann says they looked at houses all day, but didn’t find anything, and promises anyway that they be out by morning (what a big mouth you have, Grandma!), and that she made all Tara’s favor foods, then stocked them in the fridge with her dinner. Tara finally melts, and tells Maryann she can stay, because she’s so good to her; ugh, god. Lifestyles of the broke and spineless. Maryann tells Tara she’s good to her because she needs it so much, and it makes her bloom like a flower. And Tara buys it, how sad. Upstairs, Eggs is sprawled out reading in her bed, when Tara comes in to join him. Aww, so cute. In Dallas, Bill and Sookie are discussing the vampires in Area 9 that they met at Godric’s nest, or “lair” as Bill calls it. He calls them all kinds of nasty things, and Sookie reassures him that he’s different, and better. Um, how were Stan and Isabelle even that bad? From what I saw, they were just stupid, and inconsiderate, and impetuous. You know, like everybody else.

Sookie tells Bill he’s different because he’s able to love, and has a heart. He asks Sookie to just slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie reminds him that Stan is insane, and she did give her word to Eric. Bill looks all defeated, and starts up on one of his threats that if anything happens to Sookie, he’ll –but Sookie cuts him off, and good thing too, since he really abuses that line. She promises to be in and out, and Bill totally changes the subject by letting her know that since it’s been a long night …they don’t have to …er… Because he’d be satisfied to just hold her. Sookie tells Bill she would not be satisfied, so that means get off your ass, and get to it, man! While they get to it, the Original Homewrecker prowls the hotel hallway; Bill’s maker, the nasty woman with the dead bodies stacked up in her house. Oooh, and the nasty bitch is -listening- to them do it? That’s where they leave us!

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They go at it for a moment longer, and like any woman who has finally lost an argument, Sookie throws a little tantrum, leaves the car, and concludes that she’s “going to walk.” Men all over the world shudder in unison, remembering all those 3 mile-per-hour “walks” that usually ended in: wasting gallons of gas while following the pain in the ass girlfriend, being denied both victory and pussy, and eventually, spending a long night on the couch. Bill huffs, because he’s been blessed with an antiquated understanding of the situation, –I suppose, in an older set of circumstances, the girl would shout: “I’m taking my own damn horse home!” and thus leave him there. So Bill’s a bit flabbergasted, and he sits trying to figure out how to respond, and most men are shouting at their TV “Leave her ass there!” but Jessica coaches Bill anyway on the proper response: Kiss the woman’s ass, it’s what she -wants- you to do.

Bill resists, like any other confused male with limited female experience, and concludes that she’ll come back when she calms down. Sorry buddy, but you’re the one in the car; she expects you to at least drive there, and pick her up, if not run quickly, bow down, worship, pick her up and carry her to the car. Jessica gives him the “Is that your final answer?” look, with a certain amount of pity. Meanwhile, Sookie trudges along Hormonal Female Lane, and is starting to feel some creepiness in the air. Fog, twigs snapping, –look out for hunting politicians, they’re particularly dangerous. Sookie shouts for Bill, and tells him that if he’s trying to scare her into getting back into the car, it won’t work. Was I the only one thinking that Bill doesn’t really have the creativity for that, and the whole “scare you into cooperation” is more of an Eric move? Sookie turns around and sees something really nasty, –what looks like a man with a bull’s head, and gigantic slimy claws. She books it, screaming, while the thing chases her down, –it slashes, and Sookie falls. Bill hears the screaming and hops out of the car, finally convinced that it would have been better to follow Jessica’s advice.

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

The gross thing hovers over Sookie, breathing all nasty, with that “I’m going to eat you!” suspenseful atmosphere. If it wasn’t for the speed of the chase, I’d guess that the monster was Michael Moore in disguise, but given the athletic ability involved, I’m settling for O.J. Simpson. Theme music! The incomparable Bad Things, by Jace Everett, to put you in the mood. Back on the road, Bill rushes over to the Sookie roadkill, peels her up off the ground, and tries to ask what attacked her. “Bull… human”, is the best she can manage, and she tells Bill she’s paralized as well. Bill, confident in the ability of his blood to heal pretty much anything, tries to give Sookie some, but it makes her go into a foamy-mouthed seizure. Jessica runs up, takes a look at the apparently rabid Sookie and comments “Gross!” Bill hollers at her to get the car, and they speed away to Fangtasia, and carry Sookie inside to see if Eric can help. Bill tells Jessica to go straight home, and despite some argument, she obeys. I wonder if “As your maker I command you!” will work on all teenagers? Parents, give it a try, and let us know.

At Merlottes, Sam is brooding about “stuff” when Daphne pokes her head in to interrupt him with her latest screw-ups. This time, she’s short for the register, and Sam, already in a pissy state of mind, tells her she has to pay for it. Daphne sniffles and gives him all her tips, telling him she’ll just have to owe him. She sneaks off to cry, while Sam sits, feeling and looking like a total douchebag. And to make things worse, here comes Tara, quoting Maryann to Sam, who, in all consideration, is doing remarkably well. I might have stood up and punched her before going back in a closet somewhere to sniff bleach. But he manages to keep it together, even when Tara starts pestering him about why he hates Maryann. Tara tells him he doesn’t even know Maryann, –uh, wrong-o, –and Sam tells Tara, “neither do you!” before walking off. Score 1 for Sam!

Over at Fangtasia, Sookie is sprawled out looking all kinds of fucked up; gashes run from shoulder to tailbone, and a weird looking little woman, –a “Supe” in the book, but a “who-knows-what” in the show. Goblin, dwarf, gnome, something I can’t remember. Anyway! She examines Sookie, exchanges names, and Sookie asks if she’s dying. Dr. Ludwig confirms, and Bill starts having a big fit. Dr. Ludwig tells him to back off, and Eric asks the tiny doctor to forgive Bill, because he’s “abnormally attached” to Sookie. Dr. Ludwig explains the similarities between this bite and the bite of Komodo Dragon, who tracks a kill after it bites its prey, waiting for its venom to weaken the animal enough to be eaten. Sookie asks if she was attacked by a “dragon”, and a little part of me wants to smack whoever wrote that line. “Country” and “southern” are not synonymous with “ignorant.” Damn yankees. Dr. Ludwig explains that no, this poison is much more advanced, then tells the two vampires to beat it, so she can get Sookie’s clothes off and treat her quickly.

Bill comes and tells Sookie he’ll be just outside, how sorry he is, etc., and in response, Sookie foams at the mouth some more; Dr. Ludwig hurries him off. In Eric’s office, Bill explains what happened to Eric, who is mystified as to what could have attacked Sookie. He quietly calls for Pam and Chow, who hear him, probably all the way over in the next state, and walk in a moment later. Bill tells them to search the highway where Sookie was attacked. Pam informs Eric she’s wearing her favorite pumps, but Eric gives her an “As your maker I command you” of his own, and the two are off to look for the nasty thing that attacked Sookie. Eric and Bill commiserate a little about their “progeny”, –Eric’s getting the better end of the deal, Pam doesn’t seem nearly the pain in the ass that Jessica is. Eric tells Bill how nice it is being a maker, and we’ve sort of got this weird little, “Isn’t it great to be a mom?” thing going here, but before they can swap recipes, Sookie screams in the other room.

Dr. Ludwig is pouring on something that’s making Sookie’s wounds bubble and ooze, and she hollers for Bill to hold her down. Bill holds Sookie while Dr. Ludwig digs little pieces of clumpy goo out of Sookie’s wounds. Do not eat while you watch this episode. Meanwhile, over at the Bible-Thumper Base Camp, Jason Stackhouse wakes up with a scream. He lays back down, and finds Eddie in bed with him, snuggling up, to Jason’s dismay, confusion, and all out panic! Jason sputters “This ain’t real!” before Eddie asks him if “this feels real?” before sinking his teeth in for good bite. Jason hollers again and wakes up, even more confused and freaked out. Jason sits up and prays to God for guidance, and another sign. The Luke-inator hurls a pillow at him, rude!, and tells him to shut up. Jason, properly chastized, curls back up in bed, after he hits his head on the window sill. Poor feller.

Dr. Ludwig does some maintenance on Sookie’s large wounds, while Sookie lays, barely conscious, still splayed out on the bench. The doctor informs the two watching vampires, Bill and Eric, that they can give her blood now. Bill goes to bite his wrist, but Eric stops him and says, “Allow me, my blood is much stronger”. Bill huffs, and gives him a firm ‘never’, before biting his own wrist to give to Sookie. Dr. Ludwig tells Eric she expects her payment at the end of the week, and Eric asserts with some sarcasm what a pleasure it is to do business with her, and we hear the tiny old woman call “Fuck off” in response. Haha, we love Dr. Ludwig. Eric explains to Bill that Dr. Ludwig is “no fan of the fang” but that she tolerates them because of the medicinal value of their blood. Really? I had no idea. Pam and Cho enter after Bill finishes giving Sookie blood, and we see Pam’s fabulous shoes and pantyhose are clearly ruined. Pam, with leaves sticking out of her hair, cattily informs Eric, that the “area has been scanned”. Cho tells Eric that the tracks were human, the smell was animal, and when Eric asks ‘what kind?’ Pam tells him ‘a filthy one’. Well, a dirty human/animal. That should be easy to find. As Pam’s walking off, Eric grins and tells Pam ‘those -were- great pumps.’

Bill tells Eric it’s best that he and Sookie stay, and Eric offers Longshadow’s “messy” coffin, and Bill responds with gratitude for Eric’s hospitality, and saving Sookie. Eric lets Bill know that he’s sure that Sookie can repay him, i.e., he expects Sookie to go to Dallas for him. In Maryann’s kitchen, Carl is stirring a pot of something most likely malevolent, –perhaps he’ll publish a cookbook; “How to Prepare Food For an Orgy” or “Cooking for Psychotic Supernatural Creatures 101″. I’d buy it! He holds out a wooden spoon for Maryann to taste, and she accepts it, sipping and suggesting more juniper, before wandering off to put a few roses in a vase. Tara strolls in, and asks what “all this is for”. I was under the impression that Maryann usually has a kitchen full of food, and fruit, and other finery. Where has Tara been? Maryann tells her she’s having another orgy, carefully disguised as a “few people over”. While Tara sits down for coffee, Maryann sits down to roll a huge joint.

Tara, ever astute, asks Maryann why Sam hates her. Maryann pretends to be surprised, and Tara explains Sam’s irritation at the mention of anything to do with Maryann. To this, Maryann responds with a bunch of hippy psycho-babble bullshit, concluding or leading Tara to conclude, that Sam’s just jealous because Maryann is better than him. Then she invites Tara to smoke some pot before work. Hey, why not, it’s not like we’re adults or anything, right? And yay, it even has a filter; typical women. If you ain’t coughin, you ain’t doin it right. Sam meanwhile, is packing all his shit into his Jeep, when Terry pulls up. Terry asks if Sam’s taking a trip, and Sam evades a direct answer. Sam asks Terry if he’ll take care of the bar while he’s gone, and Terry is reluctant, on account of his PTSD. Sam tells him that he’s the last person he would ask, but everyone else is busy, or having personal issues, and Terry, “feeling the pressure” agreees hesitantly. Sam tells him thanks, but Terry’s pissed; he knows what’s going on, and tells Sam “remind me never to get stuck in a foxhole with you!” before calling him a coward, and driving off.

Over at the Bible-Thumper Base-Camp, aka Fellowship of the Sun headquarters, a severely scarred fangbanger is sniffling and boohooing out her story to a bunch of anti-vampire softies. When she’s finished, Sarah Newlin thanks her for sharing, while Jason looks half disgusted. Sarah prompts Jason to “share something” and when he hesitates, reminds him of his honesty vow. Feel free to excuse yourself to puke now, but be warned, a more vomit worthy scene comes shortly. Jason reluctantly shares, stating that it’s nothing they want to hear: He talks about Sookie’s vampire, Bill, being a decent guy (and there’s almost a dirty comment made about Sookie, so there was a near ass-kkicking moment), about Rene or Drew Marshall’s obsessive vampire hate that killed his family and friends. For once, it seems, Jason is taking a stand to tell these lowlifes how things really are, but as he’s leaving, Sarah Newlin rushes off to persuade him otherwise.

Sarah tells Jason that there’s something special about him, that the Lord sent him to her, etc., but she didn’t know why, and now she does! While Sarah compares herself to Jason, I’m looking through her white pants and I swear, you can see a low riding thong, and it’s not white at all. Anyway, before I started looking at panties, Sarah was saying how similar Jason and her are. She reveals that when vampires “came out of the coffin”, she and her big sister marched together for the equal rights of vampires. Later, when her sister disappeared, addicted to vampire blood and hopelessly lost, Sarah knew they’d killed her, and decided to join the Fellowship of the Sun. She says vampires took her sister, Jason’s girlfriend and grandmother. Hmm, some logical flaws, but whatever, she’s on a roll now. She tells Jason that even if Eddie was nice, if vampires never existed, the people they loved would still be alive.

In a roundabout way, Sarah seems to have convinced Jason that the murders of his Gran and girlfriend were his fault; had it not been for him being high, his girlfriend and Gran would be alive. Sarah comforts and consoles Jason. True, Jason was being an idiot at the time, but if Rene made up his mind to kill Amy, he would have, just like he killed Dawn and Maudette, who were both pretty sober when they died. Drew Marshall/Rene, would have just waited till she was alone. You can tell anyway though, that Jason’s mental facilities are buckling under pressure, and he’s going to get back in the flow of the shit that’s beginning to replace his already moth-eaten brain. They sit on the porch and pray, and it’s as cute as a Precious Moments greeting card.

At Fangtasia, Sookie wakes up in a Fangtasia t-shirt and sneakers, and looks around. She hikes up her shirt and looks in the mirror; not even a scar is leftover from the massive wounds she received the previous evening. Ginger pops up, and gives Sookie the “tube top” sandwich she made her; peanut butter and chocolate syrup. Er, yum? Ginger goes on about how easy it is to lose weight with vampires, and Sookie asks about Bill. Ginger tells Sookie he’s still resting, while she does some light cleaning around the bar. Sookie asks why Ginger is there in the day-time, and Ginger explains that she usually isn’t, but lately she comes in because, –and thinks immediately that she almost told Sookie about her friend Lafayette being locked up in the basement, and Eric telling her not to say anything. Woops! Sookie blocks her, and asks about Lafayette; Ginger, stunned, thinks about the gun under the register, which Sookie automatically retrieves, and points at a screaming Ginger.

Sookie demands that Ginger takes her to Lafayette, and the two head down to the basement. I love Ginger, she’s absolutely dingy as all hell, and her brain is totally fried, but she’s the sort of person you just want to hug and watch movies with. Sookie rushes over to Lafayette, and demands that Ginger uncuff him, but she swears she doesn’t have that key. She’s also worried about Eric being mad at her. Sookie promises to free Lafayette, before the scene switches over to Eggs, playing his guitar for a bunch of dorks over at Maryann’s house. I was sort of waiting for him to bust into “If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands”, but Tara shows up and ruins it. Tara is drinking wine out of what I swear is a plastic wineglass, –tres tacky, –while Eggs rambles on about how shitty his life was before he met Maryann, and that she was the one who introduced him to guitar. Good for you, let’s move on, please! Tara giggles about how she’s late for work, and being “too fucked up to deal with Sam Merlotte”. Aww, how nice, you mean the man who gave you all that money for your exorcism? Real nice. Remind me never to give Tara anything of mine, sheesh.

Eggs asks if Tara will get fired, and she says “maybe, but it’s just a job.” Wow, I can see how Maryann’s had a great effect on Tara, what a fantastic, responsible adult she’s blossomed into. While Tara and Eggs get all cute and lovey dovey on the couch, Sookie is raring up for one hell of a bitchfest. Bill approaches and Sookie hops up to hug him; he’s elated to see her alive and well, but she’s ready to get Lafayette out of the basement. Billl wonders if she’s still angry about their fight, but Sookie informs him of Lafayette’s deal, –Bill tells her he had no idea, and Eric enters the scene, and explains to Bill why the human is chained in the basement. In fact, trading sexual favors for a vampire to get vampire blood and sell it, is a grave offense, and Eric is within his rights to punish people who have committed crimes against vampires. But Sookie is still pissed as hell, and she tells him he ought to be ashamed, and slaps him good. Bill hollers “Sookie!” though Eric looks as if he barely felt it, and tells her he’s glad she’s feeling better, and “that color suits her very well”. Sookie tells him to go to hell, and Bill tries in vain to keep her in line.

Sookie continues with all they’ve been torturing Lafayette with, but Bill is neither shocked nor surprised. But Sookie then threatens Eric with the police, which is a toe on the line in his book; he snaps forward, fully irate, and tells her he does not respond to threats. He retreats some, and says that perhaps they can come to some form of arrangement, and invites Sookie to his office. At Merlottes, Sam is on Tara’s voicemail trying to reach her, while Terry is serving food, –never a Terry job! Tara of course, didn’t show. Sookie is out ’sick’, and Daphne is… herself. Lafayette is MIA and Arlene comes to the rescue, late, explaining that one of her kids tried to pierce the other’s nose, and now he’s got an infection, –it was that feisty redhead! Sam appears to be somewhat calmer, however, and tells Arlene that it’s all right. She explains that Sookie called and asked her to cover for her. Arlene recognizes the change in Sam’s temperament, and encourages it.

Back at Bill’s house, Jessica climbs out of her hidey-hole to find herself alone in the house. Rather than sit home alone, she heads down to Merlotte’s and enters to the tune of Sex & Candy, looking exactly like the song says… while heads turn. She sits across from the lonesome Hoyt, who asks to join her after a moment’s hesitation. The two sit and talk, and Hoyt tells her that before she came in, he was just thinking, that he never met a nice girl. Jessica asks how he knows she’s nice, and Hoyt tells her it’s her smile. It’s true! She does have a beautiful smile. Aside from the mole; it bothers me, and is totally distracting. Hoyt says he could stare at her smile all day long, and Jessica, slightly crestfallen, mutters “Day? Yeah right.” Poor Hoyt doesn’t get it though. Hoyt asks her if she wants anything to eat or drink, and then goes on to sing the praises of the “delicious crispy baby” of fried chicken and steak. Jessica tells him she’ll just have a bottle of TrueBlood, B+, and Hoyt looks surprised, which Jessica takes for disappointment. But his face lights up, and you can tell he thinks it’s the bee’s knees.

Hoyt heads off to get Jessica’s TrueBlood, while she sits looking happy with herself. At Fangtasia, Bill is looking mighty negative while Sookie and Eric negotiate the terms of Lafayette’s release: the deal is, Sookie has to go to Dallas to look for Godric, with Eric paying all the expenses, and he’ll let Lafayette go. Sookie adds that she needs to be paid $10,000 and Bill has to come too, –which means Eric’s out $10,000, plus expenses. He reluctantly agrees, and though Eric tries to be nice and smooth with Sookie, she basically tells him she’d rather have cancer than like him. While they go about the other formalities, Pam tosses Lafayette into the room, expressing a little disappointment that she couldn’t keep him. Eric tells her she has enough pets. Lafayette grunts and calls Pam a bitch, and Pam asks if she can kick him. Bill says she can try. Ooohhhhooo. Before things can get nasty, Eric tells them “enough” and has Pam fetch Cho to get their car, while Sookie is busy comforting Lafayette on the floor.

Eric tells Lafayette he’ll see him around but Lafayette promises he’s done with vampires. Bill carries him off to the car, while Sookie stays behind for just a moment to give Eric a very nasty look. At Maryann’s, Carl is ladeling out the Orgy-Stew, while people dance around topless, and frolic like heathens. Andy walks through the crowd looking cranky, as usual, and Tara points him out to Eggs. The two are sitting in the hot tub, drinking, and talking about Tara being a lazy ass. Andy meanwhile, is still strolling through the crowd, more bewildered at each site, and the weirdest yet is a gigantic pig sitting in a little shed. Maryann comes up to him, and he tells her that there were complaints about the noise. Maryann promises to turn the music off, but before she goes, Andy asks whether she has a livestock permit for the pig… Maryann stares at him, and asks “what pig?” Andy turns to find the tiny house empty. Maryann accuses him of having a little too much fun already, and before Andy can get all riled up, she invites him to stay for a drink, and gives him her glass of whatever. Andy agrees without too much complaint.

Jason has been invited for dinner at the Newlin home, and Steve is telling him how, hating evil is really loving good; describing the “war” going on out there, –and Jason turns and looks, of course, and Steve explains the figurative war a bit more. Jason is soaking all the bullshit up, while Religious Fanatic Barbie serves them dinner, and all but crawling on her hands and knees to help Steve with his napkin. Steve tells Jason that his wife thinks he’s pretty special, because doesn’t “whip out her pudding for just anybody.” Would she whip out her pudding for me? While Jason feels all the good things God has in store for him, Jessica and Hoyt are arriving back at Bill’s house to “hang out” -cough, cough-. Hoyt expresses more than a little wonder at Vampire Bill’s house, but Jessica isn’t all that impressed with it. She pouts that Bill makes her sleep in a hole, but Hoyt tops that by confessing that his mama keeps her doll collection in his closet. Egads… Hoyt attempts to show her how to use a Wii, but before too long, they start getting all friendly and cute.

Jessica’s fangs pop out and she gets all embarassed, but Hoyt comforts her and tells her not to be ashamed of herself. Hoyt also tells Jessica he really likes her, so they ought to wait to do anything else, but Jessica disagrees; she tells him she’s waited too long already, pins him, and she gets that “rawr!” look in her eyes. Oh no! Don’t eat him! Bill pulls up to Lafayette’s house in the black Beamer that Eric loaned him, and Sookie offers to take Lafayette to the hospital. And here’s the big stupid healthcare remark, –for some reason, it’s in here. Why can we not have a show without a political agenda? Lafayette says: “Three jobs and I still can’t afford health insurance.” Excuse me? One of them is hooker, the other is part-time cook, the other is part-time road crew. Get a full time job, stupid ass, or deal with part-time benefits and shut up. For all of you out there nodding and agreeing, read a damn book once in a while, and stop letting television be your primary source of information.

Lafayette explains he’ll have his uncle stitch it up; Sookie inquires, “the veterinarian?” and Lafayette shrugs and figures if he can castrate steer, then he can stitch a bullet wound. Lafayette tells Bill to make sure his “friends” know that Lafayette remembers his time away as a a pleasure vacation. Sookie tries to insist that Bill at least helps him inside, but Lafayette says no, and goes inside, to curl up with a blanket and cry. Poor Lafayette. Someone send him some hugs and love. Sookie tells Bill in the car, that she is starting to feel differently about vampires, that though she used to be sympathetic to vampires who were judged and hated, she now sees more of their world and maybe even justifies some of the hatred they receive. Bill tells Sookie that regardless of species, all of them are capable of both good and evil. Sookie says she doesn’t believe that Eric is capable of anything good, especially after he tortured Lafayette.

Bill tells Sookie that he’s had worse sheriffs, and Sookie still doesn’t see how he can defend Eric, but Bill reminds her, that Eric saved her life. Sookie says she can still hate him. Eric replies that he hates that Eric may be putting her in harm’s way once again, and that he’s shown Sookie the way vampires do justice. Bill says if he could glamour it all away, he would, but Sookie says she wouldn’t that, because she’d rather know what to be afraid of, than just being naive. Bill tells her that he hopes she’s not afraid of him, after the other night. Sookie sniffles, and says, “I know there’s darkness in you, …and it scare the life out of me, but you’re right, there’s goodness in you too.” Aww, a Kodak moment. While Sookie and Bill are being all cute and sweet in the car, Eggs and Tara are laid up in the hot tub, while everybody continues to dance around drunk and naked.

A topless massage therapist enters, and offers to rub Eggs, and Tara pauses to look around at all the craziness; seeing that things are getting a little too freaky for her, she gets out of the water and goes inside. As she walks past, Jane Bodehouse’s eyes have gone black, and so have Mike Spender’s. Eggs follows her and tells her that it’s nothing but a bunch of people letting go and having a good time, “it has nothin to do with us”. Tara tells him “there is no us, if this is your scene”. You go girl, let him know! While Sam’s loading the last of his stuff into the Jeep, the collie dog from around the area barks at him. Sam tells him that he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to him, and the dog barks again as if to say, “Hey, do that voodoo that you do and come play with me!” Sam sheds his clothes and runs off with the dog. Meanwhile, across the cemetery, Sookie and Bill walk up his porch steps, while Sookie tells Bill he’s a big softy; Bill carries a bright pink bag full of pink clothes for Jessica.

She tells him that’s “a lot of pink”, but that she’s sure that Jessica will love it. They get into a discussion about how Bill’s used to more traditional women’s clothing, with petticoats, etc., and Bill claims to miss his times, since more clothes equals, more left to the imagination, plus all that stuff took a certain amount of skill to unfasten. Sookie makes a kinky suggestion, –that there’s a costume store nearby, and she could always pick up some “petticoats.” Uh huh… As they’re entering, getting frisky, they hear a moan from the other room; Bill acts instantly, seizing Jessica and tossing her in a different direction. I guess no one ever says much about all the domestic violence, huh? Hoyt moves to get up, and Bill slams him back on the couch. Sookie scolds him, and Bill growls. Two of the exact same collie dogs are running on the dock, once jumps in, and comes back up as Sam; the other dog stays on the dock, and Sam invites him in too, but the dog runs off. Sam swims alone for a moment, before Daphne pops up out of nowhere, and asks him if he was just talking to that dog.

Sam asks why she’s out there, Daphne says she can’t sleep, had a rough week because she has such a hardass boss, etc., and, where any other guy would have been like, “Okay, you’re fired, good night,” Sam tries being nice to her instead. Daphne says that swimming looks like a good idea, and so on, and Sam says yeah, you should try it. Daphne begins to undress, and Sam, startled, says “I didn’t mean now!” But Daphne counters with, the whole, “the lake is big enough for both of us” argument, and takes her shirt off. Course, that would win any argument, naturally. On her back, Daphne has long scars, that match the wounds Sookie almost died from. And that’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

Jahrbuch Fur Romanische Und Englische Sprache Und Literatur. Begrundet in Verein Mit Ferdinand Wolf Von Adolf Ebert. Herausgegeben Von Dr. Ludwig Lemcke. Neue Folge. II. Band

Sookie Stackhouse, Books 1-7

Vampire Academy Collection

Frostbite (Vampire Academy, Book 2)

Definitely Dead: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood

Dance to Bad Things like never before, or at least I did, when I found out how long it’d be before the new season came out. I’ll be seeing my first episode of season 2 tomorrow! Woohoo! Maybe even tonight! Back to the show: Sookie is telling Jason everything she’s found out about Drew and Cindy Marshall. Rene thinks to himself, but Sookie hears him, wondering why she hasn’t gone to the police yet; she answers him out loud, and Rene thinks again how weird her telepathy was. Jason argues anyway, still certain that he’s the killer. He calls for Andy to get Sookie out of there, and Andy escorts her away. Sookie inquires about the fax, but they never received it, and Andy tells her that the real murderer is Jason. Sookie gives Andy the evil eye and tells him off proper.

Tara wakes up in a huge, soft unfamiliar bed, and looks around, half confused. She puts on a robe left for her in the chair, and goes out to the porch where a big, bald quiet guy serves her breakfast on a silver platter; literally. The weird servant type wanders off, and the pig lady, aka Maryann Forrester, joins Tara at the table to begin the hazing process. The thing is, I haven’t seen any of the second season yet, and I only know a little about the pig lady’s character from the books, and the subplot with Tara isn’t in them. So this whole thing we have here is totally unprecedented and impossible to speculate on except: this shit ain’t right. I keep expecting her to try to convert Tara to scientology. Maryann makes small talk, and the two discuss how Tara’s situation is an “opportunity” while the creepy, badly dressed servant watches them from the window. No doubt, adding Tara’s panties to his inventory. Maryann asks Tara what she wants, how she wants her life to be, and so on, but Tara doesn’t really have any answers for her. She tells Maryann that she’d better go, and that she’ll pay her back as soon as she can.

Maryann however, tells Tara to sit down, eat, let her clothes dry, and states that they both know Tara has nowhere to go. Why Tara obeys is a mystery, considering her usual belligerent tendencies. Maryann tells her that all she wants to do is help, and give her a chance to set things straight. Inside, Tara’s phone rings; Sam is calling, but the bald man is in the room, making the bed. He pushes the end button on the keypad, sending Sam to voicemail, pockets Tara’s phone, and continues making Tara’s bed, Aha, the plot thickens. What have these freaks got planned for little Miss Tara Mae? I wonder what sort of life etiquette can be offered by a woman who runs around naked in the middle of the night with pigs. Sam leaves a message, half angry, half worried on Tara’s voicemail, and ends the message as Sookie’s entering his office at the bar. She sighs, and turns away from him, clearly not in the mood for doggie boy today.

Sam tells her he’s surprised that she’s working today, with everything going on with her brother, but she tells him she’s not afraid of everyone talking or thinking about her. She also tells him she’ll need all the money she can get to hire a private investigator to clear Jason, and there’s the chance that she even knows the killer. Back at Jason’s cell, a visitor has come to see Jason; a representative of the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh boy, sounds like the Scientol –I mean, the nutcases have come to town. Jason sits up, interested in what the guy wants, but a bit wary all the same. Jason asks about whether they were just anti-vampire, but the man gives him a sort of watered down explanation of their stance. Like, the KKK would say, “we’re devoted to protecting the ways of Aryan and Anglo-Saxon culture” while everyone with a brain say, “you’re just a bunch of racists in sheets”. That’s the way this guy kind of puts things.

Jason says he used to hate vampires, but then he got to know one, and he was all right, until he got him killed. The Fellowship representative, tells him he’s wrong, and that he did a service to his species for killing the vampire. Basically, the guy is using pretty language to tell him that although the Fellowship of the Sun wouldn’t be caught dead encouraging Jason in private, they do applaud him for killing off fangbangers, in private. Jason gets a bit confused by all the political speech and puffed up vocabulary, and tells the man he has no idea what he’s talking about. The Fellowship rep, obviously not keen on Jason’s vacuousness, says, “That’s smart. Don’t admit to anything.” Riiight. Now he tells Jason they have a fund going for his defense, and goes for his pamphlets. The rep takes Jason’s hand, tells him he’s a brave soldier, God loves him, he’ll be saved! and so on. Jason looks at the religious nut like he’s cracked, before he wanders off in search of other convicts, er… converts.

Tara meanwhile, is inspecting Maryann’s enormous pool, before she sheds her robe, revealing a perhaps borrowed bikini, testing the water, and does a cannon ball into the pool. After her swim, she steps into the house to find a massive and “bountiful” spread of ever fruit from Eden, and soft guitar music in the background. In the living room Tara meets a dreamy black guy with a guitar, who introduces himself as “Eggs” because his name is actually Benedict. Well, okay then. Tara tries to give him the speech about how her name is screwed up too, but he cuts her off, and tells her that Tara is a pretty name. Tara asks, tactfully, if Maryann and ‘Eggs’ (hahaha, duh), are dating, and he tells her that no, he’s just staying here until he’s on his feet again. She asks if Maryann collects stray black people as a hobby, and he laughs, telling her that Maryann was right: Tara is funny. I never got that impression personally; an out of control bitch, a belligerent racist against white people, and so on, but funny? Not really. If you say so, “Eggs”.

Tara asks what else Maryann told him, and he basically tells her the short and long of it; that he was told Tara had crashed her car, and was drunk. Eggs claims that he too was a mess when Maryann found him. Tara allows herself a flicker of common sense, when she mentions that the situation is too good to be true. Eggs denies it, and gives her the, “you’re just surprised by nice people because your life sucks, here have some of the Kool-Aid Jim made for us,” speech. He tells her that “sometimes, good shit happens” and I’ll be damned if that isn’t southern philosophy at its finest. Meanwhile, out in the yard, the crazy ass pig lady sits in front of a large pig in the yard, and is apparently, having some trouble with her vibrator. It looks like she’s experiencing either electrocution, or her tracking needs adjusted. Either way, someone in the special effects department needs a stern talking to.

In his truck, Rene shrieks, and howls like a dog on Ritalin to Devil in Disguise, before speeding away to Merlotte’s were he sits for a bit at a table. Sookie comes in, and is immediately met with a hundred vicious thoughts about her and Jason, as well as the smiling face of Andy Bellefleur, as he brags to the local slut bags that it was he alone who nabbed the wily Jason Stackhouse, serial killer. Bud Dearborn gets irate and takes off, while Sookie stands, shocked, before Sam pulls her out of the crowd, and tries sending her to his trailer to rest. She refuses, saying she’d rather drive around, and eventually wins the argument for her safety. Sookie heads off to her car, but it won’t start. Rene appears at the window, and offers to take a look. After a moment, he admits he doesn’t know much about fixin’ cars, and offers Sookie a ride, and some company till Sam shows up. Sookie accepts the offer, and everyone watching is probably hollering at their TV’s right now. Whether it’s because Sookie stuns us with her inability to use common sense once again, or the typical movie ’shock’ shouting.

Terry pulls up in his truck, and tells Sookie that he told his cousin, Andy Bellefleur, that he’s known killers, and Jason ain’t one. Sookie thanks him, but Terry laments once again, that no one ever listens to him, but they should. As they head over to Rene’s truck, we get a close up of Sookie’s engine, and some important little lines have been cut. To what, who knows, but it sure looks important. In the truck on the way to Sookie’s house, Sookie tells  Rene, or Drew Marshall, that she can’t believe Jason gave him his truck. Rene tells her that he tried to talk Jason out of it, –liar!, –but Jason “wu’d'n’t havin’ it”. Rene/Drew asks if it’s true about Sookie, that she can really hear thoughts, and then tries to mask his thoughts with “think about nothin’, nothin’” and so on. Sookie tells him not to bother thinking about nothing because it isn’t possible. And yet, she continues to miss that fact that he doesn’t think with an accent. Oh wait, there it is, sounds like a couple of the blonde marbles in Sookie’s head finally collided and sparked.

Rene/Drew remarks that it must be hard on Sookie, “livin’ wit that” and she agrees, telling him that people think a lot of ugly thoughts, and that she’s used to hearing them about herself, but not about her brother. She states that Jason, her brother, is all she has left. Rene/Drew scoops a wadded up, hopefully unused tissue out of his pocket to give to Sookie, who dries her eyes. The camera followed his hand suspiciously, so while he’s reaching, we’re left to wonder if he’s reaching for a weapon, or just adjusting his boner. Which he might have done in the process of getting the tissue. Eww. He tells Sookie that he’s lost people too, by way of sympathy, but if Sookie knew he was actually talking about strangling the life out of his sister, she might have said something other than “Thank you”. Probably something with a “you” at the end, though, following with a bunch of scratching, and hair pulling. Because, you know, that’s just how blondes fight; it’s nature.

Sadly however, Sookie is telepathic, not clairvoyant, and so on she rides with the fake Cajun serial killer. At Arlene’s house, her two kids sit spellbound and terrified watching the tape that disappeared earlier in the season, of Maudette getting rapidly screwed by the bald vampire who makes a lot of weird noises during sex. Arlene enters, appears to have a mild stroke, and snatches the remote away with a “What the hell are you watchin’?!” She asks her kids where they found the tape, and after some cajoling accompanied with the evil glare of a severely pissed off parent, they tell her it’s Rene’s, and that they found it in the garage. Arlene goes through the toolbox the kids apparently took the tape from, and finds tapes labeled with several names; no doubt Maudette’s taped debasement. She also finds a cassette tape labeled “Cajun Dialect for Actors”. Oh no, might the wedding be off?! Say it ain’t so!

Sookie and Rene are just arriving back at her gran’s house, and both agree that the house is too hot to handle, so Sookie tells her murderer to relax, kick back, while she gets him an ice tea. Rene switches on the fan, the one he’d previously hung Sookie’s cat Tina from, and leans against the parlor entrance, surveying the room, and seeing the shotgun Sam had been loading the other night. Oooh. Back at the bar, Lafayette is cleaning tables and complaining about the backwoods assholes not liking his cooking, before he finds Rene/Drew’s vest, and tosses it to Sam for Lost and Found. Sam takes a whiff of it, and smells Dawn’s sheets; you know, the ones he was wallerin’ around in after she’d been dead on them for a while? Yeah, those. Yummy. Sam flips, and runs off, looking for Sookie. Her car’s parked in the lot still, but Terry is there, smoking, and Sam asks, more than a little excited, where she is. Terry tells him she headed off with Rene, and Sam takes off at a run through the woods.

In the kitchen at Sookie’s, when she asks if Rene takes his tea sweet, he pops up and tells her ‘yes, ma’am’ right before he starts having flashbacks of stabbing Gran in the kitchen. Oh boy. Sookie drops the pitcher of tea, and Rene/Drew/deranged psychopath, offers to help/murder her in cold blood. Sookie declines his friendly offer, and heads off to find a mop/firearm, while Rene/Drew follows, looking ready to rumble. Sookie grabs the gun, and the resident psychopath tells her she won’t shoot him. Apparently, this isn’t bravado, but sheer fact. Rene has removed the shells, but his nasty thoughts freak him out long enough for Sookie to use the gun like a bat and his head like a shiny new baseball. Unfortunately, Rene’s head does not pop off and fly towards centerfield, but Sookie sure tries like hell to run her bases anyway. Annnnd, she’s off, with the psycho close behind! Sookie flings the shotgun into the bushes, and heads towards the cemetery, while Rene stands on the porch calling her names.

Oddly, Rene/Drew with a plain accent sounds weird and wrong to the ears, like, maybe the actor is Creole/Cajun, or maybe we’re just so used to hearing him with an accent that it’s kind of a shock to hear him without it? Either way, he’s pissed, and catching up, while he thinks of murdering his sister. He flashes back to his sister in the bathroom, trying to cover up vampire bite marks. He tells her she can’t cover up what she’s done, and Cindy calls him a freak for watching her. Back to the high speed chase through the woods, Sookie in the lead, but psycho close on her tail. Psycho flashback again; Drew as we know him now, calls his sister a freak, loudly, and preceded by “fuckin” a few times, before Cindy tells him to get the fuck out. Sookie continues watching Drew murder his sister, in Dolby digital for the mind, and then Maudette, then Dawn, then Amy, while Drew flips out and hollers about Sookie rummaging through his mind and watching his disgusting home videos.

Sookie takes advantage of Drew’s pause for mental clarity, and looks for somewhere to hide in the cemetery. Bill is shaken awake by the sounds of Sookie in distress, just as Sam arrives in a Jeep, parking and coming out of the car in a run. He bolts into the house, sees Rene/Drew’s belt on the floor and a trail of blood leading out the door. He runs back to the porch, takes a deep breath, and runs towards the smell of blonde about to be dead. He strips on the way, so maybe he’s going to turn into something slightly more formidable than a house pet? Bill meanwhile, has crawled out of his hidey hole, and into the searing sunlight throughout his home, to help Sookie. Blisters and burns bubble all over his face and skin, and by the time he opens the door he’s groaning in pain, and looking like the worst thing a burn ward has ever seen. Determined, he ventures outside, and ambles off the porch. Also determined, Rene/Drew the Psycho-Killer, is still jogging around looking for Sookie.

Apparently, not the brightest of fiends, he hollers for Sookie and tries to seduce her with the promise of being friends. Sookie might be thick, but she isn’t retarded; then again, she is hiding in an open grave. As Rene approaches her spot, he’s thinking some pretty graphic things, that Sookie overhears from her spot in the ground. Then he thinks he lost her, and that he ought to go back in the woods to check. Up she pops, right into the waiting claws of an angry psycho. He hauls her up, and plops her down, and Sookie’s head smacks the back of a tombstone, before the front of her head meets the lunatic’s fist a couple times, as he thoroughly scolds and strangles her for being a vampire fucking bitch. Bill, bald now and charred, is stumbling through the daylight, towards the sound of screaming, and choking Sookie and screaming crazy ass Rene/Drew.

Sookie starts to slump into unconsciousness, just as Lassie, oh, I mean Sam, rushes in and jump on his back. The psycho picks up a statue of Mary and cracks the poor doggie one good one. Sam the Super Dog goes down, and Rene stands, looking a little pleased with himself, and begins drop kicking the animal, who then turns into a naked Sam. That freaks him out more than a little, and he begins kicking the unconscious, naked shapeshifter quite passionately, demanding a to know “what the fuck” he is. Bill, ambling down the hill in charbroiled zombie mode, calls for Sookie who immediately wakes up, grabs a shovel, and smacks the back of Rene/Drew’s head hard enough to knock him forward, on his face. But he’s not done yet; he hollers, grabs Sookie’s ankle, and she primes up with the shovel in the classic “I’m about to cut yer fuckin’ head off with this ‘ere shovel” move. She doesn’t quite cut his head off, he’s more like the southern equivalent of J.K. Rowling’s character “Nearly Headless Nick”. Rene/Drew is now “Nearly Headless Dick”.

Just as Sam approaches Sookie, the two remember that Bill is sizzling nearby, looking quite overdone. Sookie rushes to his side, and Bill, still alive, manages to whisper that he’s sorry. Sookie begins to bawl, and Sam rushes over, declaring that they have to get Bill out of the light. Um… duh? Sam carries Bill to the open grave, and buries him. All this, by the way, he does in the nude, which would be hot if the circumstances were different. Well, yeah, it’s still hot. Sookie wakes up later, her face varying shades of purple, to Tara, Lafayette, and Sam looking over her like the characters in the final scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Sookie tells Tara how pretty she looks, that it’s like, “someone turned a light on under her skin”. Sam basically states that the reason Sookie sounds like she’s on drugs, is because she is. Sookie tells them that Sam saved her, and turned into a dog, and Lafayette mentions he could use some drugs like that. That’s when Sam pretty much breaks up the party, and clears them out.

Sookie tells Sam what a good man he is, and Tara looks away, upset, but then Arlene runs in with flowers, while Sookie is laying there with tears on her severely fucked up face. Arlene bursts into tears, and offers a confused Sookie the flowers while Sam leans to try to comfort the traumatized woman. At the sheriff’s office, Bud Dearborn explains to Andy what’s what and that Drew Marshall, or Rene, or whoever, is the killer, and Andy gets thoroughly and properly pissed off. Bud tells him to get ahold of himself, and that since Andy brought him in, it’s his duty to let him go too. Andy is obviously still certain that it was Jason who killed the women, but Bud isn’t having it. He tells him “right now” and Andy hunkers down, and goes off like an evil troll to do what he was told.

In his cell, Jason asks Andy for a magazine because his brochure the Fellowship of the Sun is putting him to sleep, but Andy tells him to get out of there. Jason asks if it’s a trick or something, but Andy practically roars back that it’s a “god damn miracle”. Jason, no doubt coated in previously airborn Andy spit, looks up into the fluorescent bulb of his cell like he has been in fact, showered with God’s praise, instead of Andy’s drool. Oh boy. In Sookie’s living room, Arlene paces, still half crying, and asking to be forgiven for not knowing Rene/Drew was a freak from Hell, repeatedly. Arlene’s more than plenty shocked herself, that she brought him round her kids, slept with him, and so on, without knowing he was nuts, but Sookie sympathizes; even she didn’t know. Arlene asks Sookie to promise her though, that the next guy she dates, will receive a thorough mind scan from Sookie. She tries to tell Arlene that’s not how it works, but she still demands a promise from the more than a little confused near murder victim. Ah, those demanding redheads.

Arlene asks if Bill will be okay, and Sookie begins to cry, before telling Arlene, “I don’t think so”. Arlene tries to soothe her, while Lafayette leaves Tara and Sam alone on the porch to make sure Terry isn’t “PTSD’in’ all over the clam chowder”. Tara and Sam stand awkwardly apart, before Sam asks where Tara was, and explains that he left her messages. Tara, unconcerned that she hasn’t actually received any messages, tells him so, and that they don’t have to go into anything now, because of what just happened with Sookie, thanking him for being there. Sam presses ahead though, telling Tara how worried he was, and Tara says, “I’m sure you were,” still in that casual, passive voice that seems to say, “I don’t give a shit”. Maryann pulls up, and Tara goes to leave, after telling Sam that he’s amazing, he deserves everything he wants, and “so do I”. She kisses him and heads off, as Maryann approaches. Apparently, Sam knows the crazy pig lady, and asks her what the hell she’s doing there.

Maryann asks him if he really thought she wouldn’t find him, and calls poor Sam a silly dog, with a nasty little grin, and heads back to her car. Arlene is still sitting, telling Sookie she’s sorry, and that she should have known because there were things he liked to do in bed that were… yeah, anyway, before she can say anything more appalling, Jason comes in the house to check on Sookie. He hugs her, and tells her how happy he is to see her, before Sookie reminds him that she’s bruised all over and he’s squeezing her. Aww, it’s a cute little brotherly error. Another good ones is coming up, right when Jason tells Sookie that if he was still alive he’d fuckin kill him again. Arlene, looking miserable, excuses herself to cry. Jason tells Sookie that while he was in jail, he thought of all the stupid things he’d done, and Sookie, though drug addled, remarks that it must have kept him busy. The insult flies over Jason’s head as he goes on, and tells Sookie that he thought all he was good at was drinkin’ and chasin’ women, but Sookie says ‘that’s not true’. She tries to think of something else, but comes up with football, and Jason denies it, since he wasn’t good enough for a scholarship.

Jason goes on to say that all he could think was that his life wasn’t worth nothin’, and that all he could think to do was end it. Sookie begins to get concerned, but Jason interrupts and tells her that that’s when he was saved, and given another chance. He goes on to say that God made all of it happen for a reason, but when Sookie asks what the reason was, Jason admits he doesn’t know. But that he does know he was meant to do somethin’ important, and he kisses Sookie on the head, before assuring her that from now on, he’s gonna take good care of her. Sookie tells him she’d rather he just took care of himself, and stayed out of trouble. He says he will, and he stumbles off, nearly tripping over the coffee table, before assuring her from the foyer that he’s good. Jason is such a sweety, it’s a damn shame that he was born with even fewer brains than Sookie. She laughs softly as he manages to make it out of the room without killing himself.

Lafayette, back at Merlotte’s is taking out the garbage, bitching prissily about folks leaving garbage by the side of the dumpster, while something watches from the woods, then rushes up and pounces on him. Sookie is watching The Little Princess (the Shirley Temple version), while sitting up, looking lethargic, and much the worse for wear. Meanwhile, something speeds toward her house and onto the porch. As Sookie watches, the doorbell rings. She answers, and it’s Bill. Sookie, breathless, exclaims “You’re alive” and Bill, ever the wit, says, “Well, technically no,” but to hell with it, he’s not as dead as he looked earlier, so yaaay! He tells Sookie he fed, and she invites him in. He accepts, she closes the door. When Bill sees the condition she’s in, he immediately goes to bite his wrist, in order to give her blood, so that she’ll heal faster. But Sookie stops him, and tells him she just wants to feel human right now. Fuck that, I’d be like, “Okay, and did you bring any vicodin?”

Bill tries to tell Sookie that he failed her, and that he couldn’t protect her, but Sookie cuts him off, and tells him her life is “too short for all that”. They kiss and make up, thank god. Two weeks later, the staff at Merlotte’s stands around watching the news report that vampire marriage has been legalized in Vermont. Arlene pokes at Sookie and tells her now she and Bill can get hitched. Sookie blushes and her that Bill hasn’t even asked her yet. Sam goes off on a tangent about how she should marry Bill because the party would put Arlene’s to shame, and so on. Sookie stomps off, and Tara goes to Sam to lecture him on his broken tact-o-meter. She tries quoting Maryann, but Sam, who already knows the crazy bitch, doesn’t want to hear it. He asks about Lafayette instead, and mentions he’s about to lose his job. Tara tells Sam that Lafayette once disappeared to be a Go-Go dancer, so apparently, Lafayette is full of surprises. Sam mutter “fantastic” and heads off to be grumpy.

Terry and Arlene are the only ones left standing at the bar. He tells her that people never really disappear, that the good parts just stay put. Arlene, looking plenty sad, tells him she hopes he’s right. Terry in turn, compliments her hairstyle saying that it, “looks like a sunset after a bomb went off”, reassuring her after the bizarre compliment that he means, “pretty”. Arlene grins a little, hesitantly, and touches her hair. Over at the Fellowship of the Sun, people are sitting in pews listening to bullshit stream forth from the man at the podium. And standing near the front row applauding is Jason Stackhouse, who leans over to kiss his new friend’s head. At Merlotte’s, Tara is cutting a forlorn Andy off, who grouses that once, the Bellefleurs practically owned Bon Temps, even the ground the bar was built on. Tara obliges, and pours his own last drink, his “pity party” as she calls it. She starts spouting her happy go lucky shit to Andy but he tells her to save, before they have their mutual last double of Scotch.

Sookie, stylin’ and profilin’ with loose curls takes Hoyt a beer and burger, when he asks where Vampire Bill is, and if he’s off celebrating at a vampire party. Sookie tells him they’re celebrating later, together. Hoyt says he doesn’t buy into all the talk, and says if he met a nice vampire girl, he’d be proud to have her on his arm. Sookie laughs when Hoyt asks if Bill knows anyone his age, and goes on back to work. At his home across from the cemetery, Bill plays the piano, and Jessica zips in followed by Eric and Pam, who looks fabulous in a pastel greenish blue sweater suit. Bill asks Eric what’s up, and Eric looking taxed and pale, even for a vampire, says there are favors, and then there are -favors-”. Pam remedies Bill’s questioning look by stating bluntly that Jessica is extremely annoying, and Bill starts to tantrum, but sucks it up when Eric suggests he’ll take Sookie if Bill won’t deal with Jessica. That pisses him off a little, but Bill manages to clean his act up a bit. Pam rolls her eyes, ready to go, and tells Bill good luck, as the two head off, with Eric chuckling and commenting in a foreign tongue.

Jessica looks at Bill and asks who’s good to eat around here, before flashing fang. Bleh, I can see her as becoming extremely obnoxious in the second season. She giggles while Bill has that “Son of a bitch…” look on his face. At Merlotte’s Andy lays on the bar, looking pitiful. Sookie tries to get his keys, but Andy refuses, thinking that she was right about him, that he’s a pathetic loser and everyone knows it. Sookie tells him that seeing him in pain doesn’t make her happy, and she even calls him ‘Detective Bellefleur’ before she goes to call his sister to come get him. Andy, pouting, sort of comes to a bit and straightens up. Meanwhile, Sam is still stomping around the bar looking thoroughly agitated. He goes to his safe, and begins emptying it of cash, no doubt leaving because of that crazy bitch with the pig. Outside, Andy is looking for his car, while Tara and Sookie try to dissuade him from going out on the road.

Andy reassures them that he just needs his keys out of the car, but he can’t find the car. He goes on a short tirade about how the town is going to shit, before Sookie points out his car a little way off. Andy approaches, looking as if he’s trying to keep from puking, passing out, and falling down, all at once. The back door to the car is open. When Andy opens the door, a black leg, wearing red toenail polish flops out. Andy says, “that ain’t mine, I swear” and the two women begin screaming. And that, is the season finale! Woo! Meet me back here later, boys and ghouls when I get going on the second season! Yeehaw!

Related Reading:

Grave Secret (Harper Connelly Mysteries, Book 4)

Dead and Gone (Sookie Stackhouse, Book 9)

Shakespeare's Counselor (Lily Bard Mysteries, Book 5)

Tempo Sports Library - Pigskin Power; Baseball's Belters; Computer Sports Matchups; Sports Date Book

Blood Promise (Vampire Academy, Book 4)

Related posts:

1. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood
2. True Blood, Season 1, Episode 8
3. True Blood Season 1, Episode 9

Pam proceeds to tuck the two in, i.e. bury them. And for a woman in a sassy overcoat, fabulous heels, and pantyhose, she sure can handle a shovel. Bill snuggles up beside Jessica, as Pam covers them with dirt, and after a suspicious backward glance, Bill goes to sleep. Roll the intro credits and the sexy song that goes with it. I think I’ve converted so many people to True Blood after these many month, HBO ought to pay me. I have people who swear up and down that they hate country, looking for Jace Everett’s discography. Look out, boys and girls, I wanna do bad things with you. Back to the show!

Sam is pacing in Sookie’s living room with the phone, trying to get ahold of Tara. He leaves her a voicemail, ironically asking her to let him know that she’s not drunk in a ditch somewhere. Funny, because that’s pretty much exactly where she is. Sookie returns with clean laundry, and the two discuss the killer attacking her at the bar. Sookie describe seeing the killer’s thoughts, and the woman who died in the thoughts of the killer. Sam asks Sookie if she wants to call Bill, and Sookie tells him that Bill already felt how scared and in danger Sookie was that evening, and she’s certain Bill isn’t coming back. Aww, Sookie, what an idiot you can be. Sam peps right up to take advantage of the situation, of course, and begins petting Sookie. Although certainly not the smartest blonde in the South, Sookie makes an effort to disengage, by asking if he’s heard from Tara. He says no, and Sookie tells him good night. She stands, and slowly walks off, no doubt barely restraining the urge to have wild passionately furry sex all over her grandma’s living room. Sam loads a shotgun as Sookie heads to bed. If he can’t get any Sookie action, then maybe he’ll get some single action pump from his other, more metaphorical, penis.

Over on the far side of town, on a backroad at two in the morning, Tara describes her car accident to a female cop, which means describing the “crazy ass motherfuckin’ Paul Bunyan pig” and the naked woman. The cop, Kenya, doesn’t believe her in the least bit, and Tara tries to plead on behalf of her excellent driving skills. In Tara’s defense, there really isn’t any way to prepare for some crazy white chick naked in the road, with a giant state fair hog. Kenya thinks Tara’s drunk, and asks if Tara would mind a sobriety test, to which she responds, “Hell naw, bring it.” Ah, we missed Tara sooo much. Kenya gives her the foot off the ground test, and Tara manages to stare for a second before asking if they can try again. Presumably, she was having some difficulty locating her feet. Kenya tells her she’s turning into Lettie Mae, and that warrants a big “Fuck you!” from Tara, who asks to go home next. Instead, it’s into the cop car or cop SUV and off to jail.

In Jason’s basement, there’s a big pile of visceral glop where Eddie used to be, and most of it is tangled up in a lawn chair. Poor Eddie, but… ewww. Jason circles the chair, as Amy descends the stairs with a bucket, and a mop, and some towels. Jason, spouting profanity, jumps all over Amy’s crazy ass, and she in turn tells him that there was no other outcome for the situation. Why the argument? Why not kick the crazy hippie psycho out now? Well, because she’s pretty, of course. She thrusts the towel at him and orders him to clean up, to which he responds with a hollered “Yankee bitch!” and Amy’s comeback is “dumb fuckin’ hillbilly”. Sorry Amy, your social slur is geographically incorrect. We in the deep south are not referred to as hillbillies; that would be the mountain or hill folk, located further north, such as in Virginia, and the Carolinas. Try again, Yankee bitch!

Jason attempts to clean up the goo, but begins to retch. In his moment of weakness, Amy pounces, with spiels of “it’ll be all right, we just have to keep our shit together”. No, Jason, don’t keep your shit together! Keep your shit far from hers, and put her shit in a garbage bag, in the front yard. Jason’s meager conscience once again lifts its little head, and Jason shocked, mutters that they killed a man. Amy whines like a dog, and tells him that Eddie was not a man, that he was already dead, a vampire, and not to let a vampire come between them. Without Eddie there to plead his case, Jason submits to the leash and collar once more, and allows himself to be tethered to the idea that what he and Amy have is “beautiful”. And this is while they clean up a puddle of vampire. Mhm.

Sookie sits alone at the table the next morning, reading the uhm, phone book, I guess, and Sam approaches shirtless from the outdoors, to tell her “mornin’” and she directs him to the breakfast in the oven. She asks about Tara, and Sam still hasn’t heard from her. Sookie admits that she’s tired of sitting around waiting to be killed, and Sam floods the table with testosterone, though his shirt is now on, he assures Sookie that no one will strangle her while he’s there. Sookie tells him he can’t be there all the time, but Sam disagrees. Actually, he’d quite enjoy following Sookie around like a dog on a leash, and might even do so occasionally, as a dog on a leash. She shrugs him off, and tells him she wants to find the killer herself, before he finds her “again”. Sam asks is she’s looking up local murderers in the Yellow Pages, to which she responds with a sarcastic laugh, and tells him she remembers what the victim in the killer’s thoughts was wearing.

Between the two of them, they discover the girl was Cindy, and she worked at Big Patty’s Pie House. Sookie wants to go, but she tells Sam that he doesn’t have to. He wants to anyway, obviously, since he’s had a hard on for Sookie since day one. Sam tells her to eat so they can go, and she complies. Back at Jason’s, bits of Eddie are being poured down the sink disposal by Icky Amy. Jason comes up, and she asks if he’s going to work, receives no response, but continues with the small talk until Jason sweeps all the v-juice out of the fridge, into the trash and smashes it on the counter. Jason tells her that they are finished with “this stuff” and that he wants every drop out of his house, and that if she doesn’t like it, she can pack her shit and get out too. Go Jason, you tell that Yankee bitch! He walks off, slams the door, and Amy pouts, and sniffles before mumbling “Love you.” Aww, well, tough shit princess.

At Merlotte’s, Lafayette paints his toenails a deep red at the bar, while half watching the TV. Senator David Finch declares that he’s against vampire rights, because their blood turns the youth into homosexuals and delinquents, they steal the country’s women, etc. Lafayette turns four shades of pissed off. Why? Don’t you remember Senator Finch? He was the white guy that Lafayette serviced the other day, when he came looking for V Juice. Mhmm. Can I have Crooked Politicians for 800, Alex? Lafayette curses the television and asks Terry Bellefleur across the bar, if he heard what Finch said. Terry tells him he can’t listen to politicians anymore, or he gets a seizure. The announcer says that Finch will be in Monroe this evening, and Lafayette says, “That’s good to know.” Uh oh, looks like our dead sexy gay man is about to start some shit with the senator. Terry worriedly asks if he can change the channel and does so, just as Amy is arriving. Lafayette asks her what’s going on with Jason, since she looks a little “used up”. The phrase is “rode hard and put away wet” if you ask me. She tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Lafayette asks Terry why everyone’s lying to him, and Terry says he doesn’t know, and to look at the amazing shelves on TV. Lafayette says they’re “pretty” and asks if Terry will work for him tonight.

Elsewhere, off I-49 at Big Patty’s Pie House, Sookie and Sam are told by a young waitress, Harley, with a monotone voice that she doesn’t know of any Cindy but that she recommend about 9,000 different flavors of pie. Before she can recite the entire menu, an old black man named Buster speaks up, and tells Harley that they’ll have a peanut butter slice, and some pineapple concoction. Harley grins and says “Gotcha, Buster,” before scooting off to fill their order. Surprised, Sam and Sookie go off to talk to Buster, who says they won’t get anything out of Harley, since she’s new. They ask if he knew Cindy, and he tells them a little, that she moved into town with her brother a couple of months before “somebody murdered that little gal”. He tells Sookie and Sam that Cindy was strangled, and that her brother was gone by the time the police came round, and most figured either he did it, or he was killed too. Her brother’s name was “Drew Marshall”. Buster also tells them that people talked about Cindy, because she “carried on wit ta’ vamp’rs”, but that he didn’t believe it, offending Sookie by stating “what kinda woman would do such a thang?” Sam puts a hand on Sookie’s shoulder to settle her, as Buster complains about being giving the wrong kind of pie. Sookie and Sam now have “a name”.

In jail, Tara pleads with her mother on the phone, telling her about being in an accident, and drunk, and arrested. Her mother cries, while Tara tries not to. Outside, Jason is trying to get his friends on the road crew to go out with him that night. Hoyt is off to a baby shower, because he actually likes to go, “the food is good, the games are fun,” and so on. All righty then. Jason turns to Rene but he’s going out on a date with Arlene; Jason wants to come with, but Rene looks at him like he’s crazy, and tells him nah. Jason pouts and says “Fuck it” and that he’ll party on his own. Hoyt brings up the million dollar question: Why does he want to go out when he’s got such a pretty girl at home? Well, there are the obvious reasons, such as she’s a psychopath, a drug addict, a pseudo-intellectual, a hippie, and worst of all, has very bad taste in clothing. Instead of lying, Jason tells them the truth, that Amy likes V. Hoyt tells Jason he has to help set her straight, and Rene asks if she sleeps with vampires too. Jason tells him that she says she never did, but that he doesn’t really know if she’s telling the truth. Hoyt asks if Jason loves her, and Jason says yeah, but he doesn’t like the deal with V juice. He thinks aloud that she might already be gone after their big fight, but if she isn’t maybe he should dump her. Yes, yes, yes, dump her, please!

Right on schedule though, the friendly bad advice comes pouring in from Hoyt, and Rene both. Hoyt tells him that Amy’s the kind you keep, and Rene tells him he has to try to work it, but to go and get drunk first. Oh joy. The menfolk hug, and congratulate one another on their cleverness. At the Bunkie police station, Sam and Sookie are looking for information about the murder of Cindy Marshall. Sookie picks up on the thoughts of the cop, and tells Sam to be patient with him, because he “don’t think so clear”. However, when the officer spies vampire bite marks on Sookie’s arm, he is anything but helpful. He indirectly calls Sookie white trash, since he suspects Cindy was killed by a vampire, and he also suspects Sookie is a fangbanger like Cindy was. Sam calls him out, but Sookie cools the situation down a bit, and asks nicely for a picture of Drew Marshall. The officer tells him the photo is in storage and it would take months to find it. Sookie politely mentions with a big smile that they’ll go to the library, find his home address, and talk to his wife about Debbie, the woman from church that he’s sleeping with.

The cop’s attitude changes drastically, and suddenly, he’s all smiles and charm. He offers to fax the picture to the station in Bon Temps, and after exchanging pleasantries, Sam and Sookie take off. Meanwhile, Senator Finch is shaking hands with other politicians in Monroe, when Lafayette, looking fabulous and very fatale in a suit, steps out of line to shake the senator’s hand, and offer some words of inspiration. The senator, shocked to the core, twitches a little and poses for a quick photo with Lafayette, who thanks him for his illustrious views of vampires and gays, and warns him to be careful, since so many things can happen to damage a politician’s career. Oooh, better watch your back, you old bastard! At Jason’s house, he comes home to find a big candlelit dinner waiting for him, and a timid, perhaps sincerely sorry Amy waiting for him. Jason tells her the reason he came home so late, was because he didn’t want to come home to find her gone.

Amy tells him that she wants to be with him, but Jason tells her she “can’t stay if…” and she tells him that she did what he said, and got rid of the V, that it was all her fault, and that she’s sorry. The two hug, and Amy promises to “make it right”. Out in the woods that night, Bill sits with a pack of TruBlood and waits for Jessica to pop out of the ground. When she does, she’s dirty as hell, and howling for him to help her. Egads, have some dignity! Sam and Sookie are driving back to Bon Temps presumably from Bunkie, the same night, and discussing how “not simple” Sam is. Sam disagrees that he’s more complex than anyone else, claiming he just wants a good life, and a good woman. Sookie asks about his feelings for Tara, and Sam tells her that he’s trying to love her, but she won’t let him. Sookie tells Sam that Tara can’t help it, because of the way things have been for her. Sam tells Sookie that he understands, that he’s not so easy to love either, and she tells him he’s wrong. Startled somewhat, Sam asks for clarification, but doesn’t get it. It’s a universally accepted principle that, to ask a woman to explain herself, is like asking water to stop being wet.

Sam asks Sookie if she loves Bill, and Sookie tells him she thinks so, but “where is he?” She speculates that if vampire politics are more important than she is, … and then… “I dunno”, but that she’s also so mad at him she could spit. Right, so, Bill practically being dragged away by Eric, Pam, and Cho was just him wanting to go participate in a vampire club meeting? Hello! He’s being punished for murder, you stupid dingbat! If Sookie could be a little more self centered and inconsiderate, I, personally, will have a coronary episode. Here’s Bill, risking life and limb and soul to be with her, and Sookie thinks he’s just off having fun and politic’in’ it up with other vamps. Jeeez-us. Sam encourages this of course, because he wants to get in Sookie’s pants. She apologizes for making him drive so far, but he shrugs it off. Sookie tells him that one day, when all the weirdness is over, that she and him are going to go to the beach in a convertible, to bake in the sun, inevitably be diagnosed with skin cancer, all that fun stuff. Sam tells her it’s a date; oh goodie.

At Jason’s house, he’s just finished dinner and complimented the cook when Amy says she wants to show him something and that he has to promise not to be mad. As if we couldn’t guess what she has stashed away? Oh indeed, one drop of V. Jason is fully pissed off anyway, but Amy, ever the compromising addict declares that she wants symmetry, balance, harmony, bla bla bla. Basically, she wants to do it one last time. Jason reluctantly agrees, and the two swap both spit and the last drop of V. Meanwhile, Jessica is wandering through the woods sniffing the trees looking quite the lunatic, while Bill follows behind, trying to explain the transformation process. The obnoxious twit tells Bill to take her home or her daddy will kick his ass, but Bill grabs her, sits her down, and explains as best he can. Jessica pesters him with “why?” at the end of each of his statements. Instead of being forlorn and wistful, Bill gets a “Yeehaw!” and a little jig for his trouble.

He follows her and again tries to tell her that there are rules. While Bill tries to explain to Jessica that there’s more to being a vampire than being able to cuss, not sit like a lady, and killing anyone she wants, Jessica starts to whine. Bill tries giving her TruBlood but she spits it out, and goes on a tirade about how much Bill “sucks”. As Jessica starts to bawl, Bill gets that, “Oh my god, it’s a teenager” twitch in his eye. At the Bon Temps jail, Tara is sitting, thinking about how idiotic she looks in an old prom dress, when Kenya tells her she has a visitor. It’s Lettie Mae, and she isn’t bringing good news. Lettie Mae tells Tara that she isn’t bailing her out, and she can’t come home, because Tara is changing into something else. Basically, a stone cold mean ass bitch. Tara brings her mother to tears, and turn her back on her. Jason and Amy wake up, kiss, and start jumping on the bed and playing because they’re high as hell, and in their trip, it’s raining in their room. The walls melt away, and they begin running and skipping outside.

Someone creeps through the house, and finds Jason and Amy laying beside one another, sleeping. He takes off his belt, wraps around Amy’s neck, and strangles her. In Jason’s dream, or their shared hallucination, Amy disappears into the sky as Jason lifts her up. Jason wakes up, finds her dead, and begins to cry. He sits up, calls 911, and tells the operator to send someone out there. At Fangtasia, Bill appeals to Eric about what a pain in the ass Jessica is. Jessica says she doesn’t want to stay with Bill, that he’s a “dick, dick, dick, dick” but that she thinks Eric is cute. She asks to sit in his lap, Eric says no, and Jessica exclaims that they’re “fuckers!” Tested, Eric tells her to sit down, shut up, and close the door. Jessica obeys with a pout. Bill tries to tell Eric about “urgent matters” that need his attention, and Eric correctly guesses that he means Sookie. Bill almost threatens Eric, worried that his time away may have instigated an attack on Sookie, but Eric gives him the evil eye.

Eric says, “what?” in that, “I’ll get medieval on your ass” way of his, and Bill squirms a little like a kicked puppy. Jessica starts making a racket and banging on the door, and Bill appeals again, telling Eric he would basically, owe him one. Eric eyes the nuisance of a female, and tells Bill “most definitely”. At the jail, Kenya opens Tara’s cell and tells her that a lady paid her bail, and to straighten up, that she doesn’t want to see her there again. Did you get a good look at the crazy lady with the pig? Well, here she is, with clothes on even! She tells Tara that she’s some kind of social worker, her name is Maryann Forrester, and that she works with other drunks and psychos. She offers Tara a ride home, but she declines, and tells Maryann that she was kicked out, and doesn’t want anyone to see her looking like a three dollar hooker with a massive hangover.

The weird pig lady offers Tara a place to stay for a while, until she gets things figured out, and Tara hesitantly agrees. Tara is reluctant to climb into Maryann’s car because she “all dirty”. The weirdo tells her “don’t worry, I get dirty too”. No doubt, wallerin’ around in the mud with pigs on a back country road will get you pretty damn dirty. Andy Bellefleur probably just put himself on the nutcase’s shit list, by hollering at her to move her damn car. Tara and the pig lady drive off, while Andy grumbles about life and escorts Jason Stackhouse into the station. Sookie and Sam are curled up on the couch watching a black and white film, and Sam is laying on the “let’s do it doggie style” vibes pretty thick. The two start making out, when Bill bursts in, and dives for Sam. They fight, and get into it, and Bill hollers at Sookie, who hollers back, and rescinds his invitation. Bill is propelled backward, out of the house. Sookie slams the door in his face and marches off as Bill likewise turns and leaves.

Sam tries to dissuade her from Bill, and asks her how she can be with Bill, but Sookie tells him off too, and leaves him sitting like a moron. Tara and Maryann arrive at the huge mansion, plantation style home where the crazy pig lady lives. Tara, in awe and nervous, follows Maryann to the door. Odd how someone as easily offended by racism and slave topics as Tara is, would even go near a plantation home without any snotty remarks, but they go in and the nutcase closes the door, with some finality, behind them. Jason sits, melancholy in front of Andy as he spouts on about how he knew it was Jason all along. Sheriff Bud Dearborn sits by with his coffee, and tries to reel in Andy a little bit, encouraging the now meek Jason to tell them what happened. Jason tells the cops honestly, that he doesn’t know how or why he did it, but they keep dying all around him, so it must be his fault.

Andy accuses Jason of killing his grandma again, but Jason vehemently denies that he could ever hurt her. Andy complains about the absence of actual facts, and Jason tells him that’s all he’s got. He pleads with Bud and Andy to lock him up so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else. Andy denies, and says that he wants facts first, but Bud steps in and tells Andy to go ahead and lock him up anyhow. Jason willingly heads off to a cell. As he’s led back, a fax comes in with a photo of Drew Marshall. It’s a picture of Rene. The receptionist, busy gossiping, piles a bunch of stuff on the faxes, and buries the important clue beneath more paperwork. Uh oh. That’s where they leave us! Damn! Till next time.

Related Reading:

Shadow Kiss (Vampire Academy, Book 3)

Shakespeare's Counselor (Lily Bard Mysteries, Book 5)

Blood Game: An Eve Duncan Forensics Thriller (Eve Duncan Forensics Thrillers)

Blue Blood, True Blood: Conflict & Creation

Dead and Gone (Sookie Stackhouse, Book 9)

Related posts:

1. True Blood Season 1, Episode 9
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9
3. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7

Meanwhile, at the Magic Schoolbus, Miss Jeanette sits with Tara while they prepare for her exorcism, and chastises her for asking too many questions. Miss Jeanette takes Tara’s hand, and spits in it, to which Tara exclaims, “You nasty bitch!” –I almost died laughing. Miss Jeanette mixes herbs with the spit, and directs Tara to hold her hand over the fire, while she throws the rest of the Angelica root into the fire, claiming it’s stronger than holy water. She claims that there’s poisons oozing out of Tara’s pores, and that it’s all the pollution and technology that carries the demons into folks, and tells Tara to rub what’s in her hand on her face, especially around her eyes. Then she opens a small brown bottle, and tells Tara to drink it; Tara asks and Miss Jeanette tells her it’s Snake Juice, not because it’s made from snakes but because it snakes down into you, and rips the evil out.

While Tara drinks the bottle of Snake Juice, Amy is draining poor Eddie, who murmurs weakly while trying to sleep; he says Jason’s name, and Amy warns him not to think about Jason, because he’s “hers”. Eddie tells her that it isn’t like that, and that Jason is a good person, who isn’t planning to kill him once he’s of no use to her anymore. Amy gets pissy, telling Eddie how she helped some Guatemalans build a fountain or some shit, and that she’s an organic vegan with a tiny carbon footprint, and so on, that he has no right to act morally superior. Can’t blame a guy for being a little pissed off since she’s um, going to kill the poor bastard! While looking for tape to seal up poor Eddie, Amy finds empty TrueBlood bottles in a drawer. Eddie tells her that Jason only fed him because he was half dead, when Amy starts getting pissed off that Jason is “with-holding”, and that he said he thought she might be “the one”. Eddie warns her that if he dies there, that Jason will never forgive her because he’s not as “evolved” as she is.

On Bill’s porch, Sookie asks Sam all about being a “shifter” as they prefer to be called. Sam explains that he grew up with an adopted family and they didn’t talk about it, that he can turn into any animal but prefers dogs, and Sookie disgustedly says that she used to scratch his belly in the parking lot of the bar. Sam laughs and tells her that wasn’t him, it was a real dog; he explains that he needs a real live animal to see and touch so that he can shift. When Sookie asks, Sam tells her no, that he can’t change into other people because they’re too complex. He also explains that it wears off if he sleeps, and that on the full moon, he can’t help but shift; Sookie makes a conversational faux pas and compares him to a werewolf. Sam, offended, tells her that werewolves are dangerous and nasty, and tells her not to call him that. Sookie, shocked, asks “Werewolves exist too?!” then asks what else is there; Sam simply replies, “More than you can imagine.” It’s a lot to take in, and Sookie walks off to think, weirded out, and maybe even angry.

Sam follows her and she starts flipping out, asking if a werewolf killed her gramma; by Sam’s expression, you can tell he thinks it’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Sookie starts crying, because Sam’s a shifter, and Bill’s been dragged off by vampires. Sookie spends a ridiculous amount of time crying, or shocked, or surprised; at some point, it would be nice if she could just relax and go with the flow. When he tries to touch her, Sookie jerks away from Sam, and he tells her that he thought she’d understand; not because she’s dating a vampire, but because she knows what it’s like to live with a secret. Sookie stomps off, angry that he didn’t tell her before, even though Sam tells her that he’s wanted to for years. She slams the door and leaves Sam alone on the porch, unhappy and confused.

Meanwhile, Miss Jeanette is circling a twitching and convulsing Tara on the ground, and she tells Tara not to fight, and just to let the demon come out. Tara sits up and vomits as Miss Jeanette calls the demon out to take shape, and show itself. As Tara stares past the fire, wiping her mouth, a little girl appears; a younger Tara with all black eyes. Miss Jeanette tells Tara that it’s the demon, gives Tara her ceremonial knife, and tells Tara to destroy it. Tara stabs at it and sees blood dripping off the knife, before dropping the blade, crying and shocked. Miss Jeanette gets up and goes to her, calming her and reassuring Tara that the demon is gone. At Jason’s house, while he fiddles with his hair, Amy gives him a cup of coffee and sits on the toilet seat before stating “We need to talk about Eddie.” Jason looks as if he’s expecting a big ordeal, but Amy tells him that she thinks they should treat him better, though they can’t let him leave, and tells him her plan for the two of them to help him develop Stockholm’s Syndrome. Oh yeah, because generally, supernaturally strong monsters who drink blood have very flexible emotional states.

Amy goes on a long rambling explanation of how awesome it would be to get Eddie to love them, and eventually be one big happy family. The giddy way in which she gets Jason all excited seems a little too exuberant. For example if a particular asshole of a parent were to build up how awesome it would be to get a puppy, then at the end says, “Well, you can’t have one! Ha!” Amy’s speech is like a precursor to an equally malignant revelation, except she hasn’t yet delivered. Amy is in general, a creepy broad; let’s see what kind of wacky shit she pulls out of her “big bag of crazy” next. Before kissing Jason, she claims she wants to go to the store to get Eddie some more TrueBlood, then leaves Jason to his narcissism in the bathroom mirror. Oh yes, you pretty little man, you’re gorgeous. Across town, Tara wakes her mother, Lettie Mae, and tells her that she’s had the exorcism; ‘yes mama, I let a bald woman spit on me, and then I rubbed it into my face, drank Snake Juice, and killed me a hallucination. I feel so much better now!’

Tara tearfully tells her mama that it worked, and the two embrace, thanking Jesus for the bald voodoo woman. Tara insists on taking her mama out to celebrate for breakfast to some restaurant over in some town, neither of which I can spell or pronounce. At Merlotte’s, everyone is setting up for Arlene and Rene’s engagement party, while Sookie is rolling a nice big guilt trip on Sam, using poor Terry Bellefleur as her instrument of torture, by telling him pointedly how nice and reliable he is, with no “nasty surprises”. Meanwhile, Sam grumbles nearby and probably plans out an attempt to slip Sookie a big dose of Prozac later on. Arlene shows up and describes to Sam in painstaking detail how she, the woman who’s been married four times, wants her engagement party outside a bar, not to look like a hillbilly redneck affair. A perfectly reasonable request, no? Terry suggests that she wants it kinda like a debutante ball, and she exclaims happily that he’s right, and while Terry talks about families a little more, Sam thinks of his own.

Flashing back to his own childhood, during which he looked absolutely nothing like he does now, Sam remembers the first time he shifted. While the younger version of Sam sits in front of a yapping puppy, he seems to suffer a fit of epilepsy, before jumping up, running outside, and turning into an identical dog from the one carrying on inside. Meanwhile, his parents look on as though they’ve just unwittingly eaten some Magic Mushrooms. Sam is jerked out of his unpleasant trip down Memory Lane, ending at Malfunction Junction (thankfully the journey didn’t include any stops at Masturbation Station), by Arlene who is quickly becoming something of a redneck Bridezilla, reminding him not to put the green lanterns next to the red ones. While Sam decorates, Lafayette is watching an old black and white film, encouraging the seductress while waxing his chest. A politician type gentleman approaches and knocks; Lafayette rips the wax strip off his chest and gets the door.

The unnamed politician pulls out a wad of cash and tells Lafayette he wants V juice, but Lafayette tells the old guy he’s sold out, much to his disappointment. Apparently, the old fart has a speech tonight; Lafayette takes the cash, drops to his knees, and offers to help him out. In Tara’s car, Lettie Mae eats one of Mamma’s Mud Bugs, aka, crawdads, by ripping off its head, sucking out its guts, and biting off a chunk of tail. Yummy. Sucking on the heads wasn’t the best idea, I guess though, since Lettie Mae starts making noises that can only mean one thing: the barfing of a few crawdads. Tara tells her she’ll find a drug store for some Pepto, and really, is there anything better than a big drink of pink liquid chalk after sucking down crawdad guts? At the drug store, Tara asks a woman on a stepladder with her back turned where the Pepto is, and when the woman turns around, it’s Miss Jeanette, wearing a wig and red rimmed glasses. Uh oh. Tara recognizes her, and confronts her, mad as hell.

Miss Jeanette/whoever, tells Tara what was in the ’snake juice’, which was just a little peyote and some ipecac syrup. The fake voodoo woman tells Tara why she does it, explaining that she has one son in jail, another in Iraq, and grandkids to take care, and that, despite her fake voodoo ritual, it worked, but Tara storms off without even buying any Pepto. She angrily starts the car, and tells the nauseous Lettie Mae that they were out. At Arlene’s engagement party, the whole crowd of regulars are there while Rene and Arlene dance, and the surprisingly halfway pro band that Sam paid for rocks out on stage. Terry approaches Sookie, and tells her he’d ask her to dance but he doesn’t, and the two discuss how much it sucks to be antisocial freaks. Sookie tells Terry that she wishes Bill was there, and Terry tells her that there are a few dead people he wishes were still around too. Poor Terry; he needs a big hug.

In an abandoned lot, vampires convene around another chained vampire in the middle of their circle, having his fangs pulled out with pliers by a bitchy but enthusiastic looking female vampire. A John Waters vampire-look-alike, clearly the man in charge, watches over the proceedings while fiddling with something like a PalmPilot, looking smug, satisfied, and vaguely bored. The vampire being punished was convicted of feeding off of a human who belonged to another vampire; once his punishment of de-fanging, and starvation for three months is justly delivered, the vampire in charge calls Eric Northman to bring in his murderer. Bill is pushed to the front by one of the vampire flunkies, and a coffin is rolled along with him, draped with chains. In Jason’s basement, the blonde but muscled puppy dog feeds Eddie more TrueBlood through a straw. He tells Eddie that it’s nice not having to sneak it, and that he and Amy want Eddie to live with them, and get to like them. But Eddie tells Jason that Amy found the bottles of TrueBlood that Jason had been sneaking him; Eddie tells Jason exactly what Amy said, and Jason, realizing that the vampire is telling the truth, gets pissed.

Eddie tells Jason that Amy is playing him, but Jason denies it, and Eddie tells him flat out that Amy is planning to kill him, and that she’s a psychopath again. Amy interrupts then, coming down the stairs to get Jason, and then seems to enthusiastically offer Eddie a little TV for him to watch. Eddie rolls his eyes in response, and Jason follows Amy upstairs, telling Eddie on the way up, “You’re wrong about her.” The vampire watches them leave, but hears his cell phone ringing; it’s Lafayette, worried and calling from Eddie’s house as he looks around at the scene of the crime. The door left open, and the broken remote on the rumpled rug in an otherwise pristine house, point to Eddie’s kidnapping, and Lafayette immediately and very angrily, suspects Jason Stackhouse. Over at Merlotte’s Arlene who is thoroughly enjoying her engagement party, needs a break from dancing so she sends Rene over to ask the taciturn and depressed Sookie to dance. Rene pulls Sookie up, and the two talk a little; Rene tells her that he doesn’t have anything against vampires, but thinks that Sookie is a good girl and deserves better.

Before Sookie can respond, Sam asks if he can cut in and Rene twirls Sookie over to Sam, but obviously, Sookie is in no mood to dance with her employer after the other night’s revelation. Sam tries to call a truce, but Sookie denies him, telling him that it’s not that she’s mad that he’s a shifter, but that he didn’t say anything about being one, or about being with Tara. Sam tells her that she was right, he didn’t trust her to tell her, instead, he trusted his instincts, and they were “dead on”. Sam leaves her standing there, with a figurative big sign over her head saying “PWNT!” Also at the party, Jason is standing around laughing and joking with Rene and Hoyt, who he’s made up with, thank god, and Amy approaches and asks Jason if he wants more beer as she’s going to get another. She tries to stroke his neck some but Jason leans away, and declines the offer of beer before resuming his joke with Hoyt and Rene. Amy looks a little butthurt, but the wheels turning in her head are practically audible as she turns away.

Hoyt tells Jason as they grab plates and get in the chow line, that Amy is his favorite out of the girls Jason’s dated, and asks where he met her. Jason explains that he met her at Fangtasia, to Rene’s dismay and mild revulsion, but Jason explains that he only went because there was a band playing there that he liked. Yeah, the Pathological Liar/Junkie Quartet. Jason tells them that among all the losers dressed in black, they could tell right away that neither of them were fitting in, and that one thing led to another, so he never did see the band. Yes, he was too busy tweaking out on his V-juice fix to notice that he was actually courting a total psycho. Hoyt says he wants to be him, –no, baby, you really don’t, –even though he already lives with an obsessive female, his mother, the simpering, gossiping Maxine Fortenberry, Disturber of Fake Pecan Pies and Deliverer of Even Faker Condolences for the dead Gran. Rene asks if Amy and he are in for the long haul or what, and Jason sort of shrugs, but Rene tells him that if he’s found a good woman he should keep her.

Jason, if he ever doubted that Amy was the ‘one’ in the face of her obvious psychopathic tendencies, is now certain that she’s the girl for him because of Rene’s encouragement. After all, if you can’t rely on good friends to select an absolutely retarded choice of female for you, who can you rely on? And if you can’t rely on them to choose the worst possible female for you, then you can certainly rely on them to give you horrible relationship advice, which Rene neatly delivers next. Jason confides to his two buddies that because of his strong feelings for Amy, he’s lost the upper hand in the relationship, and Rene tells him that he has to take it back, by laying down the law: “Woman, this is what I want, this is how things gon’ be, and if she don’t like it, deep down she’ll respect it” and so on. Oh what a way with women you have, Rene. As if Jason needed any help being an ignorant sexist?

Hoyt gets an opportunity to use Rene’s advice as his mother approaches and tells him off for having too many beers. Hoyt draws some courage from Rene’s words of ‘wisdom’, and calls his mother “woman” before telling her that he plans to drink like a fish in a fraternity before the night’s over. In the circle of vampires out in some rather classy junkyard, vampires watch in disgust as Bill defends his act of murder, and the repulsed authority figure states in conclusion, “You murdered a higher life form for the sake of your pet!” Uh oh, looks like it’s not going well. Bill speaks up however, that Longshadow was in fact, stealing from Eric; Eric confirms it, as well as that the reason Sookie was there was to expose the thief, but he goes one step further and declares that Sookie is “valuable”. The “magister” or whatever in charge, denies it, and states that humans are basically cattle and food. Bill argues that some among them feel differently, and his royal ass gets a little bruised, before asking irately if Bill is challenging his authority.

After reciting his long list of qualifications for the job, the ‘Magister’ as we now know him, scolds Bill with a thorough statement: “Back your shit down!” and he uses a surprising amount of country twang that I find a bit more endearing. You know, despite the cold, brutal authority, and the arrogance, he seems like a fun loving guy, deep down. Bill starts to say more, but Eric gives him the “bad dog” look and just says “Bill” to make him shut up. Eric speaks in favor of Bill’s obedience, if somewhat hesitantly, while the Magister says that at least Bill hasn’t bored him, and that he does have some decent qualities. Then he says that the usual sentence would be five years chained in a coffin, resulting in severe physical diminishment, and insanity. But the magister says instead, that he’s feeling “a bit creative”. Bill looks up, and some funky music indicates an interesting turn of events, before we’re back at Arlene’s engagement party. Hoyt, Jason, and Rene are drinking and having little miniature spaz attacks that say: “The booze is making our esophagi disintegrate, but life without it would suck, woohoo!”

Watching from the table, Arlene leans over to tell the girls, Sookie and Amy, that what she loves most about Rene aside from his sexy Cajun butt, is that he’s good to the kids. Aww. Amy smiles and nods as if someday, she might consider bringing her own vicious spawn into the world, a terrifying thought that doesn’t even compare to all the weird things running around in the dark. Arlene goes on to say that Rene is good to her too, and that he’s a solid foundation, reliable, and that she can count on him. She says that she’s never had that, and Amy agrees with her. Yeah, Jason, who runs around with every girl in town, and Amy, the psychopath, who share souls as romantically as the couple in Natural Born Killers; how sweet. Sookie, steeped in negativity, as usual, goes on a rant about how much people suck because they’re always hiding something, or lying. Arlene and Amy give her a weird look, and Amy goes on to say that what she loves about Jason is that he’s as shallow as a martini glass and half as smart; “you never have to wonder what he’s thinking,” to which Sookie snaps, “yeah, because he ain’t thinkin’.”

Tara stumbles up in a slutty red dress that matches her 80’s hairdo, to drunkenly slur a “Heeeeey girlfriends”, in the direction of the three women, and Arlene tries to smile and say she looks great. Tara reveals that it’s actually her old prom dress, and Amy compliments the fact that it still fits her before she stumbles off with Sookie in pursuit, asking if she’s drinking like an Irish dock worker because she’s upset over Sam. Sookie also expresses disbelief that Tara never told her, and that maybe dating Sam isn’t a good idea. Tara tells her it’s none of her business, that at least Sam doesn’t drink her blood, and Sookie walks off, while behind her Tara calls for her to come back, most likely because she needs someone to vomit on. Over at the bar, Andy Bellefleur approaches Sam and confronts him about not being able to nail down any real information about his past, beyond his fictional “nudist” parents, but also no tax records or anything, that he wants more information, since now he owns a lot of property in Bon Temps and women are dying. Sam tells him honestly that he was adopted, before flashing back to his childhood.

A younger Sam walks through an empty house after school, discovering his parents had abandoned him, taking everything and leaving his room completely untouched. I almost cried a little; poor Sam. Andy hollers at him to shake him out of his memory, and continues pestering him about his mysterious lack of records. Tara stumbles into Andy and spills her drink on him, and curses at him for being in the way, before heading on to Sam and rubbing up against him clearly horny. Andy interrupts, but Tara cuts him off with “He du’n't know anythang, he di’n't do anythang, and he du’n't give a shit!” before dragging him off to the office inside. Tara wants to screw and demands it aggressively, but Sam tries to slow her down, and is met with plenty of Tara-charm, compounded with drunken slurring to make her thoroughly attractive to an especially eager date rapist. Before Tara can go into her self-pity spiel, Sam tells her everyone has demons, and asks her what the fuck she wants from him.

Tara tells him she doesn’t want anything from him and drunkenly storms off, leaving Sam pissed off, and kicking his own shit. More anger on the way, Lafayette strides fully pissed off through the party, spots Jason taking a piss, and shoves him. Lafayette then confronts him about not being able to keep his mouth shut, but Jason tells him he did, to which Lafayette responds with the “news” of finding his supplier gone, and that’s what’s going to happen to him if other vampires find out. Jason tells him he has nothing to worry about, but Lafayette gets even more pissed off, and hollers at Jason for thinking that life is a big game, even though all these people he’s known are dying all around him; Maudette, Dawn, and Gran. Lafayette knocks him down and tells him flat out that he refuses to be next, calls him a bitch, swears on his mama’s grave, and stomps off, slamming the car beside him with his hand as he leaves. The confused and shocked Jason sits on the ground watching him go, most likely convinced by Lafayette’s non-sissy words and ability to kick his ass, that the Eddie situation needs to be fixed and soon.

At the “tribunal” the vampires’ Magister tells Bill that he owes the vampires a life; a car pulls up and out of the trunk pops a hysterical human, begging everyone within the circle to save her. Bill tells the Magister that he’d rather get willingly into the coffin, but he ignores him. The girl begs the Magister for help, but barely suppressing a giggle of delight, he tells her there’s no help for her there, and nods to Bill saying, “Meet your maker.” It’s Bill she next directs her begging at, and pleads that she doesn’t want to be killed or to die. At the party, Arlene asks Sookie to get some ice because she can’t find Sam, and Sookie says sure, because she needs “a break from all this, anyhow,” to which the indignant Arlene responds, “Well, thanks for having such a great time at my party!” No doubt, Sookie, why not be a little bit more of a bitch, and tell Arlene how old she looks, or that her dress makes her look like the crypt keeper?

Inside, while Sookie scoops ice, the lights flicker and go out. Sookie comes around the bar, saying “hello?” as is customary, and then “that’s not funny!” before she gets a flash of someone’s thoughts: a young girl in a waitress uniform being strangled to death while slapping at her attacker’s leg in jeans. Sookie drops to a wary crouch behind the bar, crawls forward a step or two before cautiously peeking over the rim of the counter, and then a man pops up and grabs her throat with both hands. Sookie brains him with the bucket of ice before he can get a good grip, and runs off towards the office, but it’s locked. Instead, she dips into the kitchen, closes the door and stands still, watching as the silhouette of a man appears behind the frosted glass of another door out of the kitchen. Sookie drops to her hands and knees, behind the prep table, and pulls off her shoes, crouching hidden again, as the door opens and her attacker enters. Sookie catches another glimpse of dirty fingernails stroking the cheek of the strangled young woman, whose nametag reads “Cindy”.

Sookie turns and catches sight of the man coming around the table before she runs from her hiding spot, pulls over a steel shelf to block her attacker, and dives out of the serving station. The man catches a leg, but Sookie kicks him away, runs towards the door, and right into Sam. Sam calms the panicked Sookie who can barely gasp what happened, before Sam quiets her in time to hear running steps disappearing out the back door. Well, it appears that Sookie’s night can get worse after all. She clings to Sam for support, and though he tries to follow the attacker, Sookie instead persuades him to stay with her, through much shaking and whimpering. In her car, speeding along a country road, Tara bawls in self-pity and takes a swig out of her bottle of cheap vodka, before realizing that in front of her, is a naked woman and a pig. Most of us, drunk or not, would have probably plowed through the fence that Tara soars through at the moment, and with such aplomb!

The filthy, crazed looking woman with amazingly precise lipstick and eyeliner looks behind her, and heads off with her pig, while Tara sits in her steaming shitbox of a car. Eddie lays exhausted in the dark meanwhile, as the two idiots, Amy and Jason argue on their way down the stairs. Jason is telling Amy that he doesn’t need her “fuckin permission” for something, Amy retorts that if they don’t trust each other then Eddie won’t trust them either, and Jason tells her “this ain’t a game, woman, and I don’t want him endin’ up dead” when he reaches the basement floor. Amy angrily tries to shake Jason and tells him that Eddie would kill them first chance he got, despite not being even strong enough to get out of a damn lawn chair and being tied with clothesline. Eddie squints up at them, as Jason kisses her and pushes Amy back, telling her no he won’t and not to try to stop him. He begins untying Eddie while telling her that he’s going to let him go, while Eddie weakly murmurs a thank you, Jason shoves Amy away. Amy scrambles for a wooden fence rail, picketed into a dull point at the end, and shoves it into Eddie’s chest, just as Jason’s muttering about her not telling him what he can and can’t do.

Eddie screams in shock and vomits blood, his face already beginning to look decomposed with veins bulging. Jason falls away as Eddie basically explodes, with strings of gore hanging off his hands. Jason tries to fling them off as he gasps in shock. Back at the tribunal, Bill works to get out of having to turn the girl, telling the Magister that he’d much rather be tortured than have to kill the girl and then convert her to vampirism. The Magister, amused, tells Bill that this isn’t torture, and that if he likes, he could show him torture. Bill seems to understand the capabilities of the Magister a little too clearly, before he declines the offer, and instead rebukes himself for speaking out of turn. The Magister calls the gibbering girl a cow, and eager to get the whole thing over with so he can go home and get his Wii on, tells Bill to stop stalling. The bitchy Louisa, who earlier pulled out the offending vampire’s fangs, responds to the Magister’s command by dragging the loony girl over by the hair to Bill.

The Magister fiddles with his PalmPilot as he almost rhetorically questions Bill in regards to the fact that their records show that Bill has never been a ‘maker’, and Bill confirms it, as the Magister tucks away his little digital datebook in a suit pocket. He asks if Bill is familiar with the procedure, Bill confirms again, and the Magister tells him to proceed. Vampires from various stages and walks of life look on with interest and predatory grins, as the wacky girl mutters to herself, while Bill tries to procrastinate. He takes her hand and pulls her up,  and she asks with wide eyes if he’s a Christian, to which Bill replies, “I was…” What a strange situation for a Watchtower spiel! Instead of making him take some literature, or asking whether his current church is spiritually fulfilling, the girl says instead, “I’m a good girl, Jesus will take me home to heaven.” Bill asks her name, and she replies, “Jessica.” Bill attempts to glamour while Eric watches, fangs extended, but the Magister tells them that glamour is not permitted. Aww, bummer, kids.

Bill pouts and tries to appeal for mercy, with “She’s just a girl!” but the Magister is starting to get bored, and tells him to shut up, and do as he’s told, as if Bill was an obnoxious teen, refusing to clean his room. The girl fights him and cries, but Bill restrains her, hesitates for a moment, says “Forgive me” before his fangs extend and he sinks his teeth in, while every vampire present, including Eric, Pam, the Magister, and Cho, get a little rise out of the goings on, and they begin to draw closer. That’s where they leave us!

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Sookie stands over the sink rinsing off while a deranged Ginger appears to crawling through Longshadow’s goo, looking for a contact, while having a nervous breakdown, and repeatedly saying sorry to her mama. While Ginger sits messing with a handful of Longshadow, Eric tells Pam that he needs to glamour poor Ginger, or turn her. Pam would rather glamour her than deal with an undead version of the hysterical woman, so they agree, before Eric moves over to speak with Bill. Eric heats Bill up a nice bottle of fake blood, while the two chat in his office. Eric gets around to the unfortunate business at hand; Bill did just kill a vampire for a lowly human, so Eric suggests that he take Sookie. Bill immediately responds with a “no”, and asks why Eric wants her, to which he asks the same question of Bill. Bill says that Sookie must be protected, and Eric remarks that there’s something a little political about that statement (is the series hinting at something that only those of us who have finished all the books know? hmm…), but then tells Bill to admit that he loves her.

Bill is apparently in big trouble, as even Eric admits that even if it was he that killed Longshadow, he’d have done it with no witnesses. Bill remarks that Bill’s choice of actions was pretty dumb. Meanwhile, the idiotic Amy makes light of poor Eddie who miserably rides along in the bed of Jason’s truck, while Jason is steadily putting two and two together, and coming up with five. Apparently, he’s just now realizing that Amy has kidnapped a vampire before. That’s right, little Miss Perfect is a full fledged drainer. Jason calls her purse a “big bag of crazy”, and speculates that all women with huge purses are nuts. Maybe so, I carry a pretty big purse myself. Amy pulls the “Jason, baby, mellow out duuuude,” patronizing speech, and turns on some hippie music, which irritates Jason a little more. Good, get mad, Jason, she’s a psycho! Dump her on her ass!

Sookie takes a look at the red dress that was white earlier in the evening as she mops up any leftover Longshadow from her cleavage. Pam comes into the bathroom behind Sookie, and gives her some super hip PVC clothes to wear. Pam points out that Sookie missed a bit of Longshadow between her boobs, and says that Bill and Eric are still going to be talking for a while. Pam obliges by plucking the piece of vampire out of her cleavage, while stating that she’s beginning to see the attraction. Aww, isn’t Pam just a sweety? Also, take care to notice that on Pam’s night off, she’s wearing a nice conservative sweater outfit, –once again, Pam is cold hard class with a blonde flip. Ginger walks in and ruins the moment, and with her mind mostly erased, asks who Sookie is. Pam introduces them again, and Ginger gives her big smile and tells her it’s nice to meet her. Naturally, Sookie has a bit of an odd expression on her face after that, and Ginger misunderstands; “You don’t need to be scared, they’re really very nice here.” Oh yeah, they’re practically puppies and kittens.

Meanwhile, Jason and Amy unload poor Eddie down in the basement, making a last minute attempt to Martha Stewart a room to hold and syphon blood from a vampire. Amy finds Jason’s gas masks, and the two share an awkward moment of “haha, you’re paranoid!” while a sizzling vampire freaks out between them. The psychotic Amy wastes very little time in sticking a needle in Eddie, and getting a thimbleful of blood. Eddie tries to appeal to Jason, but between his own tiny conscience screaming at him, Amy acting like a junkie psycho from Hell, and the pleading of the vampire, the poor kid is getting a little stressed out. Amy drinks her little thimble full of Eddie, and like a Jenny Craig-ite who sees someone having ice cream, Jason eventually breaks down. While Eddie begs him not to, Jason coldly tells him not to talk to him, and drinks the last few drops. God, what a couple of assholes.

Back at the Magic Schoolbus, *beep beep*, Tara asks Miss Jeanette to explain the how’s and why’s of demon exorcism. Miss Jeanette tells Tara that basically, her soul is sick, but Tara tells her she doesn’t believe her. Miss Jeanette asks her why she came then. The cost for Tara’s “exorcism” is more than twice what her mother paid, and Miss Jeanette claims that’s because what’s inside Tara is worse than what was inside her mother. Tara doesn’t believe that a woman who could eat her own vomit because she didn’t want to waste any alcohol, could be worse than her. Miss Jeanette tells her to think about it, as well as the loneliness she has to deal with, and to really consider how hard it is just living with herself the way she is now. Tara concedes despite some hesitation.  Elsewhere, a very shiny Sookie emerges from Bill’s car, while Bill explains that he’ll only get a “slap on the wrist” for what he did, though Pam made the issue sound serious. Bill shrugs it off, telling Sookie that it’s all just drama and old fashioned beliefs.

Sookie flips on the light switch on her way up to the shower, and Bill immediately tells Sookie not to look up; but she does, and there, tied to the ceiling fan, is her cat, dead as a doornail and flinging blood all over the house, as well as Sookie’s screaming face. Poor kitty. Jason and Amy are getting ready to screw in front of the vampire they just kidnapped; the guile of Amy reaches new heights once again as she makes Jason pause before penetrating her to “thank the vampire”. Amy thanks him and gets a flat and most deserved “fuck you”. Poor Eddie has to sit there while they screw, and swim around through the trees and flowers, totally ignoring the suffering vampire, who cries miserably while tied to a lawn chair.

Bill holds Sookie in bed but she can’t sleep for thinking about her dead grandmother, and her poor cat, Tina. Sookie states that she doesn’t like having to be protected, and helpless, to which Bill responds that it’s all his fault. Sookie argues of course, and eventually tricks Bill into letting her take the blame; as if any man alive or dead would fight for the right to be blamed for something by a woman? Hell no. “Sure okay, your fault.” They kiss, and after one last vision of dead Gran, Sookie hopefully manages to fall asleep. Out in the woods, a man behind a clear plastic mask sneaks up on a girl on a blanket; but it’s just Jason playing around with his gas mask, and Amy humoring him. They enjoy a nice discussion about how the trees are laughing because they’re ticklish, –and then we discover in a moment that they’re not high, so that narrows it down. Apparently V also kills brain cells, and turns you into a flaky nature type that craves all raw foods. Amy convinces Jason that he should eat a bunch of nuts and berries that way V will be that much “cleaner”.

Yeah, kidnapping someone against their will and drinking their blood sounds “clean”, absolutely, if it’s Opposites Day or something. Eddie breaks up their hippie love fest by screaming for help, which encourages Jason’s nearly non-existent conscience to speak up. Amy is pretty clear on the fact that in her opinion, Eddie isn’t a person, and she doesn’t care if he dies. Unfortunately, this all cycles around to more hippie platitudes about love, and Jason has pretty much been officially brainwashed. His response, “Fuck it. I love you too.” If the whole situation didn’t involve another thinking, feeling hominid dying in his basement, their little moment might come off as sweet. As it stands though, it’s selfish, cruel, and exponentially inconsiderate.

Tara is in the bathroom at her mama’s house, trying to follow Miss Jeanette’s advice; counting down from ten, and seeing if she can do it without looking away. But her mama walks in, to tell her that masturbation is a sin, that Sam Merlotte is at the door and awww, he brought flowers. Although Sam apologizes and asks if they can sort things out, her mother interrupts by saying, “That’s a load, it’s sex he wants!” Tara wants Sam to go though, because she feels too “fucked up” to deal with man problems right now. Sam tells her that basically, he’d rather deal with Tara’s “fucked up shit” than be alone; so she explains to him that right now she’s actually thinking there’s a demon inside her, that she’s considering the whole exorcism thing, and even worrying about the cost of it. Articulate as always, Sam responds, “Wow.” Pause here, this is driving me crazy, –but didn’t Tara and her mother live in a trailer in the first few episodes or something? Let me know, maybe I’m just confused.

Tara flat out refuses Sam again, so he throws her flowers on the ground, and tells her he’ll see her at work, before he gets back in his truck. At Merlotte’s the fake ass hippie Amy is admiring Arlene’s new engagement ring, and the two discuss her engagement party, loudly, in front of Sam, who sighs, takes the hint and offers to host the bash. Sookie walks in, and Sam tells her good morning, but she responds with an “ain’t nothin’ good about this mornin’”. Uh oh, pissy female alert! On the job out by the road, Jason stares up into the trees, enjoying the sounds of them laughing no doubt, while Lafayette spits out a mayo covered hamburger, while Hoyt stands by claiming he likes it with mayo. Just as Rene takes a jackhammer to the tree roots under a slab of sidewalk, Jason flips out, runs over, and tackles Rene. The jackhammer continues running as all the guys come over to turn the thing off, and figure out what the hell is on Jason’s mind, since he could have killed Rene.

Jason’s big explanation is “That root, is connected to this tree,” –all the guys are pretty much staring at him like he’s lost his mind, and Rene is beyond pissed. Jason says he’s sorry, but Rene is still pissed; naturally, having almost been killed, and he hollers at Jason that he’s about to get married, and there are people counting on him. If only all men took their families that seriously. Hoyt asks, “Are you all right, Jay?” and Jason grabs him and pulls him down, hollering at him for calling him “Jay”. Good god, what a dick. And Hoyt is like, the biggest sweety. I sure hope someone is nice to him real soon, since in the last episode, Tara told him “fuck you” for no reason. Hoyt walks off, telling Jason he’s sorry, while Jason stands around like a total boob. Back at Merlotte’s, Andy’s reading over the menu looking disgruntled, as always. Sookie, who was already pissed off to start with, waits on him. Which in this restaurant, is code for reaming him for not having found the killer yet, and telling him what happened to her poor Tina.

Amy uses her skinny, pop-intellectual ass to butt in, and she tells Sookie to go take a break; I’m fairly surprised Sookie didn’t punch her in the face, but then again, she doesn’t actually know why Amy deserves it so much. While Sookie sits outside, Amy comes outside to be nosy, and asks what’s wrong. Amy offers her condolences for Sookie’s cat, then the two talk about how maybe Sookie ought to take more days off, then the traditional “sister wants to know what the girlfriend’s intentions are” talk. Though honestly, I can’t take anything Amy says seriously, I really can’t stand her, which is why I love the last couple of episodes so much. If you know what happens to Amy then you know why I’m so happy. She tells Sookie that Jason misses her, and loves her, and helps cheer her up. And then Sookie offers the most ill-informed, ignorant statement of the film so far in Amy’s direction, “You are way too good for him,” –ha ha, no. More like vice versa, which is pretty amazing, since Jason only ever had a snowball’s chance in hell in the first place at ever being too good for anybody.

Jason drives back to his house with much tire squealing before returning home, clicking on the TV, and grabbing a beer. On the news, Nan Flanagan, spokesperson for the Vampire Association of America, discusses that vampires aren’t retaliating for the murders of the three vampires killed in Louisiana; Malcom’s little group. Jason’s conscience tries to flicker to life, as Eddie hollers for help downstairs; Jason first tells him to shut up, but then he gets up and goes down to the basement. Jason helps move the weakened vampire who’s pain at being stuck in the uncomfortable chair is horrible for him. Jason hurts his own back in the process of lifting him. In the office at Merlotte’s Tara finds an envelope full of cash under her things; she confronts Sam, but he refuses to talk until they get off work. Bill meanwhile, is home playing virtual golf on the Wii, when the doorbell rings. Eric, Pam and their new friend Cho, –Longshadow’s replacement, –come in looking grim. Apparently, there are problems brewing in the world of vampires.

Bill has to go somewhere with Eric strictly in the authority figure sense, since Eric is the Sheriff of Area Five; Bill tells them he has to go to the bar first and let Sookie know he’s leaving, and why. Cho asks Bill what his score is on Pebble Beach, and Cho smugly states his high score. Bill tells Eric that he liked Longshadow better. In Jason’s basement, he’s rolling around on a mattress having fun stretching while talking to Eddie. Jason asks why he’s  not all athletic and pretty like other vampires, and Eddie explains that he had a desk job. I think he was actually the stapler guy from Office Space. Jason asks Eddie about how he became a vampire, and he explains to Jason what happened. It started out with his son fighting at school because another kid suggested that he might be a “fuckin’ faggot”, and then his son told his wife, who told him when he came from work. When she saw Eddie’s upsetting reaction, they both realized that Eddie was gay. Eddie says that neither of them had a clue that he was gay.

He continues; he went to gay bars, hit on a couple of guys, and was either pitied or laughed at until he saw a vampire who was even uglier than him, getting all kinds of gorgeous guys. Eddie figured that was the way to go, so he said, he eventually found someone willing to turn him. Jason asks how it worked out, and Eddie says “You tell me”. No shit; obviously not too great, being tied to a lawn chair, bled by a psycho in a basement. At Merlotte’s, Bill walks in followed by Pam, Eric, and Cho; Bill tells Sookie he needs to talk to Sam, and Cho follows him back to the office, while Eric looks around with Pam. Bill asks Sam to watch over and protect Sookie while he’s away, and Sam cops an attitude, naturally, but he agrees for Sookie’s sake. Eric and Pam are busy handing out flyers, but Eric stops Pam as she’s about to give a flyer to one of the guys that burned down Malcom’s nest. Busted!

Bill takes Sookie outside to talk to her, and Eric warns everyone in the bar that just because Nan Flanagan says they won’t retaliate, doesn’t mean she speaks the gospel, and that vampires know when humans have wronged them. Outside, Bill explains to Sookie that he has to go to stand trial, and that Sookie cannot come. She’s balanced on the edge of angry, because Bill lied to her when he told her everything would be okay. Bill and Sookie kiss for what might be the last time, as Eric presses the time issue, and Tara comes outside to see what’s going on. Tara tries to apologize as the vampires lead Bill away, but Sookie tells her that she isn’t mad anymore, and they hug. Poor Sookie. In the basement, Jason’s telling Eddie what happened to his parents, and Eddie tells him he’s sorry that he grew up with no father figure, and expresses regret that now his son has to do the same thing. Jason shies though, when Eddie looks at him, and tells him not to try to “glimmer” him. Lord have mercy, that poor Jason Stackhouse is dingier than a rust bucket after a hail storm.

Eddie responds that he’s too weak to glamour him, and that he doesn’t know how to do that anyway. Eddie asks Jason how he feels about Amy, and Jason tells him that he thinks she might be the one. But Eddie tells him not to, that she’s dangerous, and a psychopath; Jason gets pretty pissed, and starts hollerin’ at him. Jason tells him to be quiet while he goes out for beer, and takes off. Back at Merlotte’s, Tara tries to give Sam his money back but he refuses, and they go back to his office to talk. He tells her to keep the money, and asks her if she really believes she has a demon inside her; she’s not sure, except that there’s something inside her that’s “fucked up” as she so often likes to say. Tara takes the money, and Sam cuts her off from trying to thank him by kissing her, awww. Sookie talks to Lafayette in the kitchen before going back to the office and almost walking in on Tara and Sam making out, before stomping off. Why the hell is she so pissed off? Half the town is in love with her. Bah, women!

Sookie asks Amy to cover the rest of her side work, so that she can get home and away from all the insanity. Amy reluctantly agrees after Sookie says she’ll be fine, that she’s going to stay over at Bill’s. Sookie takes off, and Sam comes in to thank Amy for helping out; he asks where everyone else went, and Amy tells him that Sookie took off for Bill’s. Just as Sam’s heading off to follow her, all concerned, Andy stops him and lets him know that he found out his parents weren’t nudists. Sam tells Andy he forgot something in the bar, and that he’ll be right back; meanwhile, Sookie drives home nervously checking her mirrors for a tail. A minute after Sam goes back into the bar, a dog runs out past Andy, who calls for him as he takes off, then grumbles a “screw you too,” as it whizzes by. Sookie meanwhile, is pulling into Bill’s driveway, unaware of the big deal everyone is making about her.

The collie pops up in front of her, and surprised, Sookie invites him in with her. While Sookie is upstairs undressing, she tries to think of a name to call the collie dog, and settles on “Dean”; the dog politely looks away as her clothes come off. She hops up into bed and invites the dog up with her, but he hesitates for a moment before joining her. Meanwhile, Jason is just pulling up into the driveway back at his house, and he brought Eddie some TrueBlood. Aww; Jason pops a straw into it, and wakes Eddie up, to feed him the nice cold fake blood. Groooossss. But Eddie’s starving so he drinks, while Jason holds the bottle for him. Back at Sookie’s house, Sookie wakes up and screams to find a naked Sam in her bed! And that’s where they leave us; but with a great view of Sam’s butt.

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3. True Blood, Season 1, Episode Four

Then there’s the theme song! Twangy Jace Everett sings as we wait on the edge of our seat, half wiggling to the song, and half shocked that Bill seems pretty dead. Back at Sookie’s house, she stumbles in, and plops down at the table, and anxiously dials Bill again on her cell phone, but gets nothing but his voice mail. Sookie notices that she tracked mud all over the floor, and scrubs it up, while remembering, troubled by all the death around her, the night she cleaned up her grandmother’s blood. She exclaims “Shit!”, and tosses the rag. Apparently, that spot on the kitchen floor is rather prone to big messes. Back at Tara’s house, Lettie Mae is busy this morning, tossing all her booze hound accessories in the garbage. Tara approaches and discovers that her mother is throwing away bottles half full of liquor! Isn’t there somewhere she can donate those? Sookie could probably use one or two bottles of booze about now, assuming Tara’s mother hasn’t left any backwash in them.

Tara even sniffs her mom’s breath, and surprised to detect maple syrup there instead of booze, she takes her mom’s advice to “check the kitchen”. Apparently, Lettie Mae decided to make a mess of hoecakes, but forgot that she was cooking for two people, and not the whole town. While Tara eats the hoecakes fried in bacon grease, –yum, so this is what a heart attack tastes like!, –Lettie Mae resumes taking out the “devil juice”. A note here; if you know what hoecakes are, usually, they don’t look like white, barely cooked pancakes. Hoecakes are either bread made from milk, self-rising flour, and bacon grease, or scratch pancakes with bacon grease or shortening added to the mix. Anyway! –Tara watches, tickled pink with her mother’s sobriety. Meanwhile, Jason and his new hippie friend, Amy Burley, are laying on his bed, while Jason happily sighs, “God damn”. The two have a post-trip, post-coital chat, and Jason, sweet simple blonde fella that he is, congratulates himself on his huge “organism”. Amy, obviously not an incredibly bright light in the galaxy of intellect, tells Jason that they “tapped” and that she has to get to know the extraordinary old, wise person that Jason is on the inside. Is that her way of saying that she likes guys who browse the Viagra section of the pharmacy?

Jason and Amy roll around for a while, and he suggests they just screw, do V, and never leave the bed until they starve. Amy, who just recently introduced Jason to snorting vampire blood, and is rolling around in his bed wearing only panties and her five pounds of homemade jewelry, cuts him short with a “I’m a respectable girl”. Uh huh; I don’t think Jason was the only one caught off guard there. Apparently, the whole time they were wallerin’ in Jason’s bed naked, and high, they never had sex. They both agree that snorting a dead monster’s blood is much better than sex; woohoo! Back at Sookie’s, Tara walks in to find Sookie with her head stuck in the oven. She runs in with a “Jesus Christ!”, pulls her out, and is quickly admonished by a masked Sookie for using “JC”. That apparently was not a great way to open the conversation because while Tara is trying to share the weird but positive news about her mother, Sookie is getting pissed because her Gran is dead, Bill might be dead, and oh shit, now Tara’s having a cow about her fang marks.

Can’t we all just get along? The two holler at each other, and Sookie tells Tara to get out, and she obliges, stomping off, and Sookie slams the oven door closed; no reason, women just need to slam something when they get mad. Back at Jason’s house, he digs half a pizza out of the fridge and inquires about more V. Amy tells him that, despite the bottle of V that she had last night that looked half full, she is now out. Jason starts getting all jumpy and nervous but she calms him down in her hippie way; otherwise known as “Chillll duuuuude.” Jason offers some of his stale pizza to Amy but of course, she only eats organic food. Aww, Jason should have offered her some grass, or some cow corn. Yummy. Amy gets nosy, and starts asking about how Jason’s parents died. He tells her about how they died in a flash flood, while he and Sookie were at their Gran’s house. Jason says that sometimes he feels a little guilty, and confirms that his Gran raised them after their parents died. He tells her that he moved back to their house when he turned 18, despite Gran wanting him to stick around there, then tells Amy about Gran dying last week.

Jason is a little surprised that he’s talking so much about things, and his “feelings” –yes, it’s horribly feminine to discuss feelings, but braless hippie women can bring that out in you. Jason even talks about his and Sookie’s big fight, and hitting her. Jason starts feeling sad, poor baby, but Amy cheers him up with a big sloppy kiss after reassuring him that, since she’s been inside of him she knows that he’s a good person. All righty then. Another moment of bizarre discomfort, at the bar, Terry and Sam are unpacking the trunk; Sam is putting a stuffed gator head over the bar so that the drunks will have someone to talk to, and Terry whips out his “possum prick” telling Sam he shot one last week. It’s hard to say Sam is humoring him, because he looks genuinely interested in the bone that Terry is wearing around his neck. Terry explains that possums have a two pronged penis, and it’s supposed to be good luck. Sam pats his arm, and suggests they keep that story between the two of them. Aww, I think wearing a dead possum’s dick bone is a sexy thing for a man to do, don’t you?

Terry, inspired by the strange turn towards sexual deviancy, asks Sam if he happened to be running through the woods naked that morning; casually, as if he himself did it all the time. Actually, during the last episode, Terry claimed that he had actually ran through the woods naked before, to his cousin Andy. Sam asks “why would I do that?” And Terry explains what he saw while he was fishing that morning, with Andy. Sam tells Terry that he was working on his car, but Terry thought it looked an awful lot like him. Terry claims that maybe he’s seeing things again, though usually when he hallucinates, he sees, “insurgents”, Sam finishes for him. Terry is starting to get a little upset, and he tells Sam, “I hate being this way,” before they head back into the bar. Poor Terry; that scene almost makes me cry a little, –considering that there are plenty of other men and women the same age, who also suffer after the things they’ve seen fighting in the wars. This is yet another way that the show, although it does incorporate a lot of fantasy, reaches out to its audience on a personal level.

Sookie sits on her porch wrapped in a blanket while it pours rain, before getting up and going inside to light a candle, and gather a small bouquet. She places the candle on the windowsill, and walks out after the rain has stopped to put flowers on Bill’s grave. She cries a little, then sadly begins to walk home, before an arm shoots up out of the ground and grabs her leg! Holy shit, now there are zombies on the show too?! Sookie struggles to get away as an extremely dirty, naked man crawls out of the ground, and gets her plenty dirty too. He says her name, and phew, –it’s just Bill. They kiss and have a really wild, passionate quickie, that leaves us in shock because, –hello! The guy just crawled, -naked- out of the ground in a cemetery, covered in dirt! It’s going to take a lot of Summer’s Eve to clean up after that little incident. As Bill is about to take a bite out of her, she says, “not the neck”, so Bill sinks his fangs into her boob.

Back at work, a pissy Arlene growls, “Where the hell is Sookie today?” as she struggles to maintain an overloaded tray. Jason and Amy enter, while she lays on the Lion King Circle of Life shtick thick enough to choke anyone in a ten foot radius of where they’re standing. Jason claims that he wants to lick her mind, –he’d probably have the same experience if he licked a toad. Sookie finally shows up, all bubbly when Sam tries to console her, most likely pretty disappointed when he hears Bill’s still alive and she doesn’t need a shoulder to cry on. Sookie runs up to Arlene and helps her out with the tickets, after showering her with praise on her beauty, telling her that she loves her, and a good hug before scooting off to fill orders. When Arlene asks Sam what’s up, he crankily informs her that Bill is alive. Oh darn, our friend’s boyfriend didn’t die horribly in a fire. We should all get drunk and bitch about it. Ho hum.

Terry hollers “Order up!”, but Sookie is held up explaining to Rene and Hoyt what happened; apparently, the fourth body was a fangbanger. She scoots back to the kitchen to get the order, but the “new girl” picked them up already. Guess who? Oh the unmitigated guile of Amy rises up yet again; she has taken and delivered the order, while Sookie looks on not knowing what to think. Jason approaches and tells Sookie that he really wants Sookie to like her. Arlene and Amy arrive, so that there’s an audience to see how far Amy can get her head up Sookie’s ass. After Amy gives Arlene her tip, Arlene tells Sam that she thinks they might have found a replacement for Dawn, and Sookie tells Jason cattily as she walks off, “looks like you did too.” Elsewhere in bon Temps, clothes are blowing on the line, and Tara can’t believe her mama is doing the laundry now too. Her mama and a friend from church walk up and try to get Tara to come too, but Tara gives them an unprecedented reaming and stomps off; the two women commiserate about Tara’s demon, before the scene changes.

At Merlotte’s, Terry offers to baby sit for Arlene who is pouting about her babysitter not being around when she gets a night off. Arlene offers to talk with Terry sometime, who refuses on the grounds that he’d rather just listen at her, that he likes her voice and her clavicles. Arlene is tickled pink by the oddball compliment, and then we head over to Sookie and Amy. Amy tries her damnedest to kiss up, but either Sookie is just being a bitch, or can see right through Amy’s dingbat niceness routine. She offers to make a necklace for Sookie, who refuses, saying that her boyfriend doesn’t like silver, before she asks Amy if she knows about Jason’s being a “dog”, and warns her that Jason treats women like Wet-Naps. Amy tells Sookie that Jason is capable of so much more, and blah de dah. Yes Amy, the vampire blood snorting hippie is just so full of wisdom. After Amy departs, Arlene approaches Sookie and apologizes for all the bitchy behavior on her part. Sookie hugs her back, and after returning the love, agrees to baby sit her kids.

Arlene, happy as a clam, bounces a little and scoots off after telling Sookie about her and Rene’s plans. Later, a disgruntled looking Sam pours a bottle of TrueBlood down the drain, as Tara checks on Hoyt’s table. Poor Hoyt, who compliments Tara, is given a “fuck you” for his trouble. I think everyone watching at this point, especially those of us who are soft on the gentle, and very sweet Hoyt, are all wanting to slap the nasty attitude right out of Tara. Hoyt apologizes, and looks sad, and Sam, already pissed off, asks Tara for “a word” in his office. Instead of firing the mouthy bitch, he says, “you and I are the only ones who get it”, and they start making out it in his office; yeah Sam, do the responsible thing. Meanwhile, Sookie lays beside Bill, and asks, “doesn’t it get old?” Apparently not, seeing as how they don’t make Viagra for vampires. Oooh, I see, she meant sex; she asks if the sex ever gets predictable after you do it for over a hundred years. Instead of saying, “yep, gets pretty old,” and heading off to chew on another blonde virgin, Bill reassures her that she’s different and as unique as a snowflake. Aww.

After the cutesy pillow talk about sleeping in the ground is over, Sookie hears the doorbell and explains to Bill that she forgot that she told Arlene she’d baby sit that night. She tells Bill he can stay, that it’ll be good for Arlene, and that he should also put on pants. Arlene looks about as shocked as a deer in the headlights, but Rene tells her it’s okay, that Bill had raised his own little ones at some point. Even so, Arlene gives each of her kids a silver bracelet to wear, and tells them to stick by ‘Aunt Sookie’. The kids get all excited at the prospect of pizza, and Rene asks Bill if he can eat pizza. Bill grins and says no, but that he understands it’s delicious. Over at Sam’s teeny trailer, the two compliment each other on their awesome sexual skills, but Sam admits to Tara that sometimes she “grunts”. Uh oh, she’s been really bitchy lately, I hope he has a Snickers and some Midol nearby. Apparently not; she calls him a racist, and screams fuck you, and fuck everybody. While struggling into her jeans, Tara stampedes away like an entire herd of premenstrual women in the tampon aisle who just spotted the last Reese’s cups.

At Sookie’s kitchen table, Bill serves up whipped cream over the kids’ ice cream, and declares that he hopes they can finish it off before their mama gets back. The boy reassures him that it won’t be a problem; he once ate an entire jar of mayonnaise. Parents in the audience glance at the refrigerator suspiciously, before going back to the show. The kids interrogate Bill about whether or not he plans to be Aunt Sookie’s boyfriend. He has to buy her flowers once in a while first, then they might see about it. Aren’t they just adorable? They ask to see Bill’s fangs, and he complies by putting pieces of cookie in his mouth at fang-shaped angles. Terrifying! Back at the truck, Rene has pulled off the road, to look at the tire. Arlene, anxious to get back to the kids, rushes him along, and he asks her to grab the Mag-Lite for him. Suspenseful music plays as Arlene tries to get the flashlight to work; Rene urges her to check the batteries, and something falls out. Aww, Rene picks up the ring and asks her to marry him. Arlene, ever the hopeless romantic, asks why he didn’t ask her at the Red Lobster.

Back at Sookie’s kitchen table, Arlene happily tells Sookie “I know I’ve done it four other times, but it never gets old!” Hooee, if you say so, girl. She asks Sookie to be her bridesmaid again, and they hug and stuff, –smiles all around. Then Rene asks Sookie and Bill if them two are going to be next. Both of them looked a little shell shocked, and Rene backpedals, “I mean, when it becomes legal.” Thankfully, one of Arlene’s kids wanders in to break up the awkwardness, and asks what’s going on. Arlene happily turns and says, “Sweetie, you’re gonna be my flower girl!” Mother and daughter squeal and happily hug. The scenes changes to the next morning, a surreal setting in which Bill is sitting at the table with a newspaper in broad daylight, after fixing a huge breakfast for Sookie. When Sookie tells him it’s light out, Bill bursts into flames; she wakes up a second later beside her kitty in bed.

The coroner meanwhile, is on the phone sadly talking to someone on the other line; apparently, the other body in the fourth coffin was the young assistant to the coroner. Bud Dearborn asks if he wants to let the other funeral home in town take care of the body, but Mike tells him he owes it to the kid to take care of the body. Bud and Mike end their call, then commiserate on the weirdness of the kid, and their differing levels of surprise that he was a fangbanger. They get out of the car and head over to talk to Sam Merlotte about what happened before the three rednecks went and burned down the house the next day. Sam tells them flat out that everybody in the bar was pretty pissed off after what happened, and that he doesn’t really care if they find out who did it. Then he asks if they found out anything about the murders of Maudette, Dawn, and Mrs. Stackhouse. Andy claims that they’re “working on somethin’” before they leave to eat inside. As an afterthought, Andy comes back in to ask Sam about whether or not it was him running through the woods naked the other morning.

Sam explains to Andy that he likes to honor the memory of his dead nudist parents by running through the woods naked once a year, and Andy, also fairly simple, takes this secret very seriously. He sort of shrugs, and it looks like Andy might just be halfway to buying that explanation. In the kitchen of Merlotte’s, Tara and Lafayette discuss the new change in Tara’s mother; Lafayette says it was a straight up con job, but that if it worked, then it was money well spent. He also tells Tara that it might even do her some good, if it worked for her mama. In the office, Sam walks in on Sookie taking vitamins, and asks her about them, –she dismisses him with an “I don’t need a permission slip from you” before sauntering off. Sam looks at the bottle and discovers she’s taking B-12, –in order to increase blood production, –and spills the bottle angrily, before sighing, and picking up the mess. Aww, looks like someone’s jealous.

Outside, Amy hops into Jason’s truck, and now her true colors start to shine through; she’s got that junkie gleam in her eye as she declares, “I need V.” Jason, a little taken aback by her wacko mood, since he isn’t craving, explains that yeah, sure, he’d like some but he can’t get any because Lafayette won’t sell to him. Meanwhile, Bill arrives home to find a (OMFG) naked Eric in the bathtub. Hearing an ancient vampire say the word “texted” out loud however, kind of spoils his mystery man charm. Eric tells Bill that he has a favor to ask, and Bill thinks aloud that the favor sounds more like an order, but Eric, unaffected, asks if he really thought he could keep her all to himself. Outside Lafayette’s, Amy and Jason sit watching the house, like two crackheads. Actually, exactly like two crackheads. Amy, basically, tells Jason that stalking a gay black man in order to get a fix of vampire blood is the most natural thing in the world, and even the dingy Jason looks at her like she’s insane.

Lafayette heads out to his little convertible (notice the small inconsistency? earlier in the season, he was driving an SUV) with a small cooler, in a cloud of cigar smoke, and leaves; close behind are the two v-juice junkies, while Amy coaches Jason on how to follow a drug dealer correctly. Inside a suburban style home, an older middle aged man looks nervous as he settles in the living room, lighting a few candles, when Lafayette knocks. Apparently, the guy is a vampire; his fangs are out, so he’s plenty hot and bothered. In the kitchen, the vampire retrieves a bottle of merlot for Lafayette, based on a funny misinterpretation. When the older vampire starts getting friendly, Lafayette tells him he needs his blood first, then they can “play”, –and we never actually get to see the games, despite being overloaded with plenty of heterosexual sex throughout the entire show. Lame. Sadly, we instead have to hear Lafayette placate the lonely vampire, when Eddie asks if he likes him. The two head off for some freaky sex, that hopefully involves plenty of baby oil.

Meanwhile, Sookie and Bill have just arrived at Fangtasia; apparently, Bill brought Sookie here because she told him she wanted to go out, –or is that actually why? They’re there because for some reason, Eric requires Sookie for his own purposes, much to Sookie’s distaste. Bill explains to Sookie that Eric is Sheriff of Area Five, and that as long as his requests are reasonable, there’s no reason not to just adhere politely. Sookie tells Bill about her dream as they stand by the car, and Bill explains to her that he wouldn’t actually burst into flames right away. She quietly remarks that the two will never have breakfast, –and you have to wonder whether or not Sookie ever read a book about vampires, or saw one horror movie, in her entire life. All I can say is, “Duh”.

Tara is apparently curious about her mother’s recovery, and she approaches the old school bus that night nervously, peeking in the door. Miss Jeanette appears behind her out of thin air, and says she knew Tara would come before inviting her inside. At the sheriff’s office, Andy sits on the phone with a nudist colony outside Beaumont, Texas, and the man on the phone claims that they never had anyone by the name of Merlotte there. Andy hangs up after the man invites him to join, wondering no doubt, what the deal is with Sam, and whether it would be any fun to eat barbeque naked. At Fangtasia, Eric explains the issue to Sookie; $60,000 of the bar’s money has disappeared, and they want her to find the culprit by interviewing the club’s employees, starting with Bruce, their accountant. Sookie makes Eric a deal; if he promises to hand over whomever stole from them to the police, she’ll help them anytime he wants. Sookie somehow manages to overlook the figurative blazing neon sign over Eric’s head that says “Caveat Emptor”.

Sookie interviews poor Bruce, who’s sweating up a storm and about to have a coronary; she clears him, and Longshadow objects, but Eric tells them to bring in the next one. At Eddie’s quiet suburban home, a jonesin’ Amy watches as Lafayette leaves, then she and Jason pull into the driveway. Amy basically tells Jason to shut up, remember his lines, and let her handle it. Jason spies something weird in her purse, and the scene changes after he says “What the hell is that?!” Now we’re looking at Rev. Steve Newlin, the new head of the Church of the Fellowship of the Sun, talk about the “wing nut” leftists wanting vampire rights, while Eddie watches in his recliner. The news broadcast is apparently part of the show, ‘Fangophiles’. The hefty female host makes fun of the good reverend’s supposed closet tendencies. The doorbell chimes, and Eddie switches off the television to check the door.

Jason claims that he’s a friend of Lafayette’s, sent over for Eddie, but as soon as Eddie opens the door, Amy flings a silver knit bag over his head, and ties his hands with her silver necklace, shouting at Jason to get his feet. Jason, too shocked to do anything but follow orders, does as he’s told. They grab the vampire and throw him in the back of their truck. At Fangtasia, Pam brings in the last of the humans who work there; a sassy waitress named Ginger, who starts getting mouthy and difficult right away. Ginger knows who did it, but can’t say; apparently, she was glamoured, and it was a vampire who did it. Suddenly, Longshadow dives for Sookie! And… that’s where they leave us. Boohoo.

Related Reading:

The Book Thief

Sookie Stackhouse, Books 1-7

Touch of Dead Sookie Stackhouse Collecti

Guadalcanal Twice-Told

True Blood (The True Series, Book 1)

Related posts:

1. True Blood Season 1, Episode 6
2. True Blood, Season 1, Episode 5
3. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood

During the “afterbath”, Bill wipes off the mirror and we can see Sookie behind him; which makes me wonder, I guess out of morbid curiosity, –what exactly do vampires ejaculate? Is it blood? And if so, does it still have the same texture as semen? For all those girls out there fantasizing about blowing a vampire, chew on that; pun most definitely intended. Sookie asks why Bill appears in the mirror and he explains that vampires started most of the myths about themselves centuries ago. Garlic, crucifixes, and holy water, apparently were also myths created by vampires that allowed them to escape detection by humans; if they passed the test of garlic, holy device, or a mirror, then they could convince mortals they were human. While Sookie and Bill have some weird pillow talk, a little baggage surfaces, and we finally see the reason Sookie hates Uncle Bartlett so much; as if we couldn’t guess?

She flashes back to reading her uncle’s icky thoughts about her as she does her homework, as a much smaller child. There’s the inevitable “come sit on my lap” scene, and while the rest of us are choking dinner back down, Sookie tells Bill about her “funny uncle”. Once she’s settled back into Bill’s arms, the rest of us don’t have to be telepathic to catch the murder on his mind. The scene changes to Lafayette, stripping on camera for us; too much sex? Never! Not when you can see Lafayette’s sexy gold thong, and his jeans barely covering his ass. But sadly, the junkie version of Jason is about to ruin it; he comes in the door, just as Lafayette’s pants are coming down, and then we’re cut off! Jason practically begs Lafayette for more V, but Lafayette is cutting him off, since he’s done nothing but get in more and more trouble with the stuff. Jason gets the junkie urge to steal, and goes for Lafayette’s cabinet. But just because our ebony sex god is gay, doesn’t mean those muscles don’t get used.

Lafayette grabs Jason, and restrains him, before throwing him out. Even as he’s leaving, Jason asks for more; Lafayette suggests the morgue before slamming the door in his face. Back at Bill’s house, Bill is letting Sookie in on his big secret, –surprisingly, not a stash of dead telepathic blondes, –but just his sleepy hole. Sookie asks if anyone ever goes down there with him, and he explains that she can’t sleep beside him there. Sookie looks a little disappointed, but they share a good night/day kiss before Bill climbs into his hole under the floorboards to sleep.

We get a close up of a cracked coffee cup being filled with coffee, and then a good helping of “the sauce”; hey! we’d know those debilitating alcoholic tendencies anywhere! We must be at Tara’s house! Sure enough, we hear Tara in the next room, brainstorming ways to cheat on their utility bills until next month. Her mother, Lettie Mae, tells her that she needs $445 to get the demon out of her. Tara tells her they can’t afford it, while Lettie Mae continues speaking neurotically on the subject of the demon. Tara’s mother honestly says, “I fucked up a lot”, in regards to how she raised Tara, and apologizes, before going on to ask Tara for the money, and even saying please as she drinks her spiked coffee. Tara asks her to put down the cup, moves to take it, and some spills; her mother begins sucking the coffee out of her robe and nightgown, while repeating, “it’s the demon!” and crying. My guess is, it’s the booze.

Back at Sookie’s house, she walks in, still wearing just Bill’s dress shirt, and carrying her nighty over her arm; she hears someone in the house, and cautiously walks into the living room, looking for the source of the noise. Apparently, Jason is there looting the house. He walks in carrying two silver candlesticks, and starts getting nasty after he sees the bite marks on Sookie’s neck. Jason starts spieling on how his own sister is a fangbanger; Sookie compares the gentlemanly Bill who only bit her, to Jason, who slapped her. Sookie scolds Jason for trying to steal the candlesticks, but Jason just brushes past her. As he’s walking by, Sookie tears the paper bag he’s holding apart, and Gran’s jewelry falls to the floor. Sookie looks disgusted at him, accusing him of stealing their dead grandmother’s jewelry, and Jason walks out with the candlesticks still in his hand. Oh well, at least she managed to save her grandmother’s jewelry.

Over at Sam’s place, the collie dog lays in the parking lot, while inside, Bill smashes himself with a screwdriver while fixing up the fold out table in the tiny kitchen area of his trailer. During his thorough cursing of his trailer, Tara walks in, and Sam hollers at her for just walking in. They get into a short spat over how she left him sitting at the motel, but that’s just his own anger at himself for being unable to properly use a screwdriver. He tells her to give him one good reason why he shouldn’t just throw her out of his little trailer, and she apologizes, after admitting that she has no social skills, and explains that all her emotional baggage has left her pretty much unfit to be a significant other. Well, with such stunning examples of propriety in her life as her mother, I’m sure it comes as a real shock to hear that someone as sweet and cuddly as Tara is admitting that she’s a bitch.

Sam admits that he’s in a shitty mood because his trailer isn’t exactly getting more attractive and airtight as it ages, which segues into Tara  talking about her mother’s weird request. Sam needs to just move on, and get one of those nifty single-wide trailers. Just as they’re patching things up, and moving on to better topics; such as Tara knowing how to tell screwdrivers apart, she gets an unpleasant call on her cell. Apparently, her mama is at the bank trying to secure a loan for her exorcism. We switch over to the scene at the bank, and Tara’s inebriated mother just pulled the, “it’s because I’m black, isn’t it?” card. Uh oh. Then she claims he’s persecuting her because she’s Christian, and then she offers to sleep with him, claiming that despite the “snow on the mountaintop, there’s fire in the valley”. Good god. Tara shows up, and her mother switches over to make the claim that the white devil/Sunday school teacher, is trying to sexually harass her. There’s a loud, alcoholic scene in the bank, while a bunch of old white people watch in horror. Tara almost breaks down, as her mother raves, and takes her home. As her mother heads back to take a nap, or pass out from the exhaustion of being both a drunk and a public nuisance, Tara unearths a stash of money she’d been hiding in the one place her mother would never look: the bottom of a box of Brillo pads.

At Merlotte’s, Sookie is serving food sporting a new fashion accessory; a green handkerchief tied around her neck to hide her bite marks. The camera takes in a few of the locals, before the door swings open and in walks the three annoying rednecks that Lafayette got butch with. Just as Sam is restraining Lafayette from kicking some more redneck ass, Terry Bellefleur lets him know Tara isn’t coming in tonight. Sookie breezes by, all smiles and bounce, trying to cheer Sam up, who is most likely more than aware of what’s going on, as does Lafayette, who playfully teases her. We slide over to see the slutty divorcee, who finally proclaims herself to be named “Randy-Sue”, before she slides out of the story forever, after Jason tells her that he’s going to the vampire bar in Shreveport that night, not Merlotte’s. Randy-Sue, the sweet little venereal grab bag that she is, tells Jason to burn in hell, before hanging up, then making some really attractive faces at the pay phone.

In the kitchen, Lafayette heats a spoon over the flames of the burner, before dropping it in a bowl of chili where it makes a sizzling sound, and asking Terry to deliver the threat of third degree burns to the table of “crackers”. Meanwhile, Sookie’s telling the ditzy Arlene how pretty she looks tonight, while Arlene is somewhat mystified by the “I’m getting laid” happy vibes that Sookie is putting off. Arlene finally picks up on the “not a virgin anymore” signals, and her hopes that it was Sam not the vampire, are quickly dashed. Sookie tells her not to tell anyone. Over at Cracker Central Station, the unlucky fellow with the nuclear spoon jumps up and drops the nigh molten utensil of death, while Lafayette giggles to himself in satisfaction. Naturally, the first person Arlene tells is her boyfriend, Rene, right in front of Sam, who looks like someone just ran over his dog, –despite his blossoming thing with Tara. Arlene, who can always be counted upon to say the stupidest shit you ever heard, worries aloud that Sookie might get pregnant, and not content to let the already asinine first comment rest in peace, audibly contemplates how hard it would be to nurse a baby with fangs.

Sookie, in a perfectly fine mood, is on her way back to the kitchen, when Sam walks up and snatches of the handkerchief that was tied on her neck, and tilts her head to see the marks. In front of the whole bar, he hollers at her, and calls her a damn fool. As if he has any room to talk; as you’ll recall it was Sam who entered the scene of Dawn’s murder to roll in and smell her sheets where she had both died, possibly been raped, and had sex with Jason. Yeah, Sam is a font of practicality. Sookie doesn’t back down though, or get sad; she tells the entire bar, that yes, she had sex with Bill, and “every second of it was great!” with a big smile. Woo, go Sookie! She then tells Sam if he doesn’t like it, he can fire her, smacks him with her tray, and stalks off, knowing full well that Sam’s balls have dissolved in her wake of roaring estrogen.

Jason, meanwhile is walking up to Fangtasia looking nervous, while a sexy, sleek Pam stands at the velvet rope around the entrance, checking IDs. Jason stands before Pam looking pathetic compared to the female vampire, who exudes class, intelligence, and a sense of superiority that she probably earned, literally, by tooth and claw. She inspects Jason’s ID and finds out he’s Sookie’s brother, before asking if the two are at all alike. Jason gives her three different answers, before Pam asks her why he came there; he claims that he’s “one of those open-minded kinda guys”. Pam, obviously unsatisfied, glamours him into telling the truth: “I want some vampire blood”, the follow up being, “What time do you get off work?” Pam looks at him like a bug, before declaring that he’s nothing like his sister, showing off her fangs, and telling him to go in, while probably hoping that he ends up being dog chow by the end of the night, and wishing him luck on actually leaving Fangtasia. Yes Jason, you poor little dingbat, now you’ve really screwed the pooch.

Uncle Bartlett is putting out the garbage in his wheelchair at the rather dirty backdoor of whatever the natural habitat of a pedophile is, when Bill appears before him looking very cranky. Bill tells Uncle Bartlett that he’s “here for Sookie” before taking a big bite of his throat. During all this, Tara and her mother are walking down a dirt road, while Tara complains of mosquitoes, her mother commiserates with her poor sister for having to raise a deviant, i.e., the sexy Lafayette. A black woman emerges from the trees, feigning surprise that the “demon” let Lettie Mae show up. She reveals herself to be Miss Jeanette, and asks if they’re ready, as Tara and her mother leave the road to join the spooky woman with the lantern by the trees. Miss Jeanette warns Lettie Mae that her soul can get “ripped up” and that it’s going to hurt, while Tara looks a bit weirded out; which is only natural, despite the rather white belief that all black people, in Louisiana at least, practice and are familiar with Voodoo.

Tara pays Miss Jeanette, who promises Lettie Mae that the demon will be gone after tonight; Tara is a little anxious, and says so, in her own way, before Miss Jeanette leads the two back into the trees to an old school bus. Inside, the bus is decked out with bones, plants that are growing in from outside, and all kinds of surreal tools of the trade; Miss Jeanette tells Lettie Mae to get undressed. Back at the bar, Sookie is describing sex with Bill, or Bill feeding on her to Lafayette, who admits that he was always too scared to let a vampire bite him, though he never actually denies sleeping with a vampire. Unlike her other coworkers, Lafayette gives Sookie verbal pat on the back for having some outstandingly kinky sex, whereas Sam is jealous because he isn’t hittin’ it.

At Fangtasia, a nervous looking tourist walks up to Eric, who looks like he’s busy with a Gameboy or something, and asks if she can take a picture. He allows it, before Longshadow snatches the phone and smashes it, with a declared “no pictures!”. The girl pouts and Eric explains that he didn’t say she could keep the picture; luckily, it wasn’t an iPhone, so she’ll get over it. The vampires giggle to themselves, while the tourist, looking rattled contemplates, most likely, buying an iPhone, and wanders off. Jason finishes his drink at the bar, and Longshadow returns to ask him what his next drink will be, and just as Jason’s about to cause his own death by asking for vampire blood, some hippy girl drags him away. She explains to him that if he doesn’t shut up, they’re probably going to end up mangled beyond recognition, and indicates she has some V in her bag, before they leave the bar.

Back at Merlotte’s, a now, not-so-happy Sookie delivers a pitcher of beer to the obnoxious rednecks; one wonders what kind of “stupid bitch” would fuck a vampire, and they share in a nasty little laugh. Speak of the devil; the vampire Pam Grier and her good friends stroll in, no doubt to cause some shit in Sam’s bar. Instead of working crowd control however, Bill is busy dumping Uncle Bartlett’s body. Sam attempts to toss the three Goodwill fashion models, but they notice Sookie, and that she’s no longer “Little Miss Hold-Out”. Malcolm states his desire to “play”, and Bill, who just tossed Uncle Bartlett’s body into hopefully, what is not a source of drinking water, gets a flash news alert from the Sookie center of his brain, before he’s off. Terry Bellefleur, always ready for a fight, is the first to rush into the fray, and get knocked back, then followed by Sam, who ends up pinned by the bald vampire. Bill shows up then, and demands an end to the fight.

Bill asks what the three want, and Malcom, who barely pulls off gay, claims that his pretend feelings are hurt because Bill never called back. The icky Pam Grier vampire gets touchy feely on Bill, and even her huge earrings seem to be screaming, “fuck me! fuck me! fuck me!” while she, as pornographically as possible, asks him to join their “nest”, which shatters any actual sensuality in the scene because it’s sort of something Big Bird from Sesame Street would say if he was a hooker. Bill shocks us all by agreeing, and totally rejecting Sookie, who was in such a good mood earlier, and claiming that he should be with his own kind, despite that he doesn’t shop for clothes at the Dollar General. Bill abandons Sookie with his nasty friends, and they wander off to go have a big orgy full of fluids, while the entire bar now looks at Sookie like she’s a total moron.

Jason stands outside a gas station with his new friend, who introduces herself as Amy Burley, from Connecticut, who doesn’t yet have that junkie gleam in her eye, but instead, spiels a diluted Hunter S. Thompson diatribe about how the setting for V is very important. Jason, social genius that he is, claims to be a doctor, and with what is practically sacrilege, the Yankee bitch hollers “Yeehaw!” as the two speed off to Jason’s house to do some illegal drugs. Yeehaw! indeed. Back at the Magic School Bus, Miss Jeanette lays rocks on Lettie Mae’s exposed skin, while Tara looks on in doubt, asking the woman where she learned to do the voodoo that she do so well. Tara is starting to get riled up with all the weirdness, but eventually, she settles down. Miss Jeanette pulls away a burlap cloth and reveals a possum in a cage; Tara objects, “Hell no!”, but Miss Jeanette explains that when the demon leaves her mother it will need a new body. Miss Jeanette places a big rock on Lettie Mae; the sacred ‘Crone Stone’ as she calls it, and begins chanting.

Lettie Mae begins gasping and convulsing, while Tara sits on, half in disbelief, the other half pretty scared; the woman bids the demon to “depart” and Lettie Mae stops screaming. The possum starts screaming, and Miss Jeanette puts the cage in a big old tub of water to drown it, while Tara looks on wide eyed in shock. The scene changes, and back in the store room, Arlene comforts Terry, who sits on the floor, upset that he couldn’t do anything to help anyone. Poor Terry Bellefleur just needs some lovin’ is all. The obnoxious rednecks meanwhile, having seen Batman one too many times, are beginning to get vigilante ideas, which are spreading to the other patrons. Sookie, who once in a while, can be quite witty, says in response to one redneck’s statement that normal people don’t fuck “dead things”, that if he messed with Bill Compton he “will be a dead thing”. Woot, go Sookie! She appeals to Sam, who flat out doesn’t care, but Sookie realizes that Bill was just getting the vampires out of the bar; meanwhile some patrons are thinking that Sookie is the cause of the vampire problem.

At Jason’s house, he and his new hippy friend compare their education; Amy dropped out of college after studying philosophy, and Jason went to Vo-Tech. He probably got the better education, since Jason’s the one with an actual job, not flouncing around doing god knows what for money. While the two discuss literal and figurative lockjaw, Amy sets up their V scenario with plenty of hippy paraphernalia, including candles, and Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies. Ironic soundtrack, since these two are actually junkies, –and she tries to sell this poor simple Christian boy on her hippie beliefs about “Gaia” and such, before whipping out her drugs. It’s everything your grandmother warned you about, and a bag of chips. Amy also teaches Jason a new word; “coagulating”, as she uses aspirin to thin out her old vampire blood, which probably resembles crusty old nail polish. She explains the logistics of the blood not getting “all mushy” once it hits the aspirin, by stating that “it wants to be in us”, which of course, completely sells Jason on the idea. She could have told him it was because today, all wet things are dry, and all dry things are wet, and he would have just nodded and gone along with it.

After a short prayer to the stereotypical hippy deity, Jason and Amy snort vampire blood mixed with aspirin with a little straw; funny how you can adapt religion to fit any scenario appropriately, isn’t it? Before the whole Gaia thing, she was comparing it with Holy Communion; the Catholics in the audience might have had a little chuckle off that. After all, if snorting a mixture of vampire blood and aspirin isn’t like church, then what is? While Jason and Amy start to trip on V, Sookie is busy trying to reach Bill to let him know that a bunch of rednecks are going to roast him and his annoying friends. Across town, Jason admires his hand while Amy, clad only in panties, shows us her boobs. Yay, two pairs of boobs in one show! Jason and Amy watch sparks fly out of their skin in the mirror, while back at the Magic School Bus, Miss Jeanette tells Tara that she has a demon too. Tara gets full nasty with her, plenty of profanity, along with a definite “no” about any more exorcisms taking place that evening. Lettie Mae however, is feeling much better, it seems, despite having just witnessed some pretty harsh animal cruelty, and laying underneath a heavy rock for a bit.

Miss Jeanette, con artist or not, describes Tara’s social life pretty well, and tells Tara to find her when she’s ready, before going back inside her bus. Tara leaves with her mother, with plenty of food for thought. At Bill’s house, a concerned Sookie wanders from room to room, looking for her man. She even opens up his sleeping hole, but he isn’t there; not likely, anyway, because it’s still the middle of the night. In the living room, where they made love for the first time, Sookie sits on one of the violated couches looking concerned, and frightened. The next day, the three idiotic rednecks from Merlotte’s gather around outside Malcom’s place with homemade Molotov cocktails, and a half cocked plan to burn the place down. They set the house on fire, but not entirely without incident; one man catches his arm on fire, and the other two have to put him out, before they run off. As the camera zooms out, the screams of the vampires emanate from within the blazing house.

On the lake, Andy and Terry Bellefleur sit out, fishing and talking about life, –general man talk, when Terry gets a weird look on his face, and sits his pole down. He signals to Andy army style, to be quiet, and look in the direction he’s pointing. A man is running naked as a jay bird through the trees, and Andy, shocked, points and hollers, “That was Sam Merlotte!” Terry, not shocked at all, sits back down, looking unconcerned, and says, “Yup, I done that before.” Andy, still freaked out, wonders where he was going, while Terry, half-depressed and fully odd, just says, “Where’s he been, nobody cares.” Andy’s cell phone plays the theme for Hawaii Five-O, and he answers, –the call was no doubt unpleasant, because it’s followed with an “aw shit” from Andy. Back at Bill’s, Sookie wakes up on the couch to the sounds of sirens, –the couch has hopefully been steam-cleaned after what his raunchy friends have been doing on it. She jumps up and checks the hidey hole, but still no Bill. The scene changes over to the burned down house, where cops and firemen have gathered, to make jokes about the dead vampires.

Sookie arrives, and upset, asks if Bill was in there, but Sheriff Bud Dearborn says there was no way of knowing, that it was “awful messy” and that there were four of them. The show ends as we watch them carrying out the coffins. Oh no, is Bill dead?!

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Then cue the theme song; no offense Jace, but we’re all way too excited to see what the hell is going on to pay too much attention to your awesome introduction. Let’s get back to the madness unfolding in Sookie’s kitchen! We return to the show, with Sookie sitting out in the living room, listening to the police discuss the murder in the kitchen. Sam wraps a blanket around Sookie, and he tries to get her to rest but she ignores him. Instead, her mind opens up and she hears the thoughts of the police and coroners in the kitchen; they aren’t pleasant, but neither are they condemning. Sookie instead goes outside for some fresh air, and Sam follows, concerned. He tries to comfort her, but Sookie isn’t really in the mood for him, especially after she hears his thoughts. Sookie asks for Bill, and Sam goes to get him; when Sam confronts Bill, it looks like the two are headed for a moment of testosterone fuelled manly posturing.

Sam tries to tell Bill to leave Sookie alone, but Bill isn’t having it; he tells Sam that Sookie doesn’t need anyone telling her what to do, and that this isn’t the best time for Sam to “mark his territory”; a moment of sarcasm you won’t get until later. But if you already do get it, then: Haha! Bill just made fun of Sam because he pees on the floor! Sam threatens Bill, and stalks off, feeling better about himself, despite not being house-broken. Back in the kitchen, one coroner remarks that Gran fought the attacker; good for her! Bud Dearborn gives a quick example of a murder he’d seen in the past, where a woman had shot her husband in the head because he was watching TV, and apparently, she’d wanted to watch something else. Possibly understandable, if her husband was one of those guys who liked to watch I Love Lucy marathons for hours at a time.

Sheriff Bud Dearborn thinks that Vampire Bill did it, while Detective Andy Bellefleur is still sure that Jason is responsible. When Bill arrives downstairs, the two cops question him, clearly suspicious, especially Bud Dearborn. Bill explains why he was there, and that he thinks whoever is killing these women are targeting them because of their association with vampires. He also thinks Sookie was the one the killer was looking for that night, but he only found Gran. Out on the porch, Sookie realizes her brother still doesn’t know, and Sam offers to call Jason for her. Jason, passed out with the slutty divorcee, throws the phone through an apparently flimsy wooden door. Wow, I hope it was made by Motorola; otherwise known as the DeathProof cell phone.

At Gran’s, Sookie stands on the porch as they move her dead grandmother to the van; Andy tells Sookie she should stay with a friend, but she refuses to leave home. She overhears the young coroner’s thoughts; he’s hoping Sookie didn’t recognize him when she was at Fangtasia, while Bud Dearborn is mentally chastizing her for messing around with a vampire, and thinking she might be next. Sookie brushes them off, saying that she wants to clean up, while Bud tells her to call if she discovers anything suspicious. Bill and Sam tell Sookie she shouldn’t stay at home; but Sookie refuses to leave again, mentioning that she has both Sam and Bill to keep her safe. Bill has to leave, and is both irritated obviously about leaving her alone with Sam, and… leaving her alone with Sam. Sookie sends Sam to fetch a mop after Bill leaves. Sookie on her knees in the kitchen, cleans up the pool of blood, clearly going through the motions in shocked silence.

The scene opens on the next day; we’re following a casserole that, despite what Sam says at the door, does not look great. It looks kind of raunchy actually, but as the audience, we still have to watch as it maneuvers its way to Sookie in the kitchen, probably giving everyone it passes by radiation poisoning. They deserve it anyway; most of them are standing around, gossiping and whispering about Sookie and Bill. It turns out that none other than Maxine Fortenberry has constructed this masterpiece of horror, and as she stands giving shallow consolation to Sookie, Lafayette and Tara stare at the unappetizing culinary punishment, and remark stoically about gross food and its bearers. Lafayette asks about Jason, and Tara answers him as only Tara can; Lafayette calls her a bitch before the camera falls back on Maxine telling Sookie how sorry she is, etc.

Sookie hears the bloodthirsty thoughts of Maxine, before excusing herself, and being wrapped in an unexpected hug from Arlene, who tearfully exclaims that she “just can’t believe it”. After Arlene unwittingly and almost innocently insults poor Sookie, she whirls around to find Gran’s pie in the hands of Maxine Fortenberry. She shouts at Maxine, and the entire household, that, “this is Gran’s pie”; clearly very upset. The harsh and inconsiderate thoughts of everyone in the house fill Sookie’s head, and Tara quickly moves in, whisking Sookie away to her room, with Lafayette in tow. Up in Tara’s room, we’re treated with the first close-up of Gran’s pecan pie, ruining the solemn mood; clearly, the people at HBO have no idea what the hell pecan pie looks like, because this is definitely nothing like any pecan pie I have ever seen. Wait a while, they show more of it. Eek.

Lafayette and Tara try to cheer up Sookie a little bit, all sitting on her bed upstairs, while Sookie tries to come to terms with Gran being gone. Lafayette, the walking pharmaceutical company, takes out a sandwich bag of multicolored fun, and plucks out a Valium for Sookie; she hesitantly accepts it and leaves it on her nightstand as he suggests. Sookie almost tearfully relinquishes the pie, and Lafayette promises to take good care of it, on the way to returning it to the kitchen. The scene changes over to Jason, who’s just showing up at work, clearly still experiencing some of the effects of V, with no clue what’s happened; Rene and Hoyt fill him in on what’s going on. Upstairs in Sookie’s room, she and Tara discuss the lack of relatives to call, and Tara’s worry for Sookie. As Sookie speaks about Bill’s effect on her, tires squeal, and a truck door slams.

Jason bursts into Gran’s house, startling everyone in the home, runs upstairs, bursts into Sookie’s room and slaps Sookie hard, knocking her back onto the bed, while hollering at her that it’s her fault Gran’s dead. Tara meanwhile, immediately jumps up and pulls him away from her as he’s screaming at Sookie, before eventually shouting at him that Bill was there for Sookie when he wasn’t, and pushes him out of the room. Tara comforts Sookie, who immediately reaches for and takes the Valium that Lafayette gave her earlier. Jason, outside, finds Andy Bellefleur waiting by his truck to question him. A crowd gathers on the porch, while Andy suspiciously questions him and eventually implies that Jason killed his own grandmother. Jason, immediately livid, is outraged and pushes the solidly built Andy back hard against his truck.

As Jason leaves, Andy recovers slowly sitting up on the ground; Lafayette on the porch remarks that Jason is a stupid bitch; poor Andy, poor Gran, poor everybody! So far, everyone is being pretty hateful this episode. Arlene and Maxine talk about Jason tossing big Andy against the truck, and Lafayette states that he works out, before Tara strolls down the stairs, in her signature state of permanent PMS and tosses everyone out, including Sam. In the kitchen, Tara and Lafayette try to figure out what to do with the collection of pies, and casseroles; Lafayette explains to Tara that it’s all full of nasty nosey neighbor vibes and they should just throw it out. Meanwhile, Sookie sleeps upstairs, and suddenly hands are around her throat strangling her. She struggles to cry for Bill, who immediately snaps wide awake under the floorboards of his house. Unable to move, he waits for it to grow dark; as soon as it’s night, as Tara and Lafayette clean downstairs, Bill bursts through the door, and is a blur up the stairs to Sookie’s room.

Alarmed, Tara and Lafayette follow at a run; Bill shakes Sookie awake, as they catch up in her doorway. Apparently, Bill had a nightmare. Bill reassures Sookie that everything is okay, and tells her to go back to sleep; while she’s resting, he sits vigilant at her side. Back downstairs, Tara and Lafayette look out the window at Bill as he stands out in the yard like a statue, watching the house protectively, and Tara asks Lafayette if “they’re capable of loving a person”. Lafayette answers, “who knows what they’re capable of?” as a collie dog trots up to Bill and stands by his side, also watching the house. The next day, we’re at the funeral, where everyone has gathered around to mourn the loss of Gran; we can’t help but feel included as an audience, because we all felt like we knew the kind woman who was always trying her best to be cheerful and understanding.

As a woman sings a funeral hymn softly, Sookie sits stock still beside a fidgeting and uncomfortable Jason; everyone displays various forms of emotion, and Terry Bellefleur cries bitterly. Once again, I have to say, I love Terry. I just want to snuggle the poor man. The priest/pastor/whatever depending on the religion, takes the place of the singing woman once she finishes, to deliver the funeral sermon. An old man is wheeled up to the funeral seating area; Sookie automatically looks shocked and grips Tara’s hand tightly. Sookie looks at him and asks the man we now know as Uncle Bartlett, what he’s doing there. He replies that Gran was his sister, and Sookie icily tells him that he hasn’t been part of the family for a long time. Jason leans over and tells Sookie to give the guy a break, while Sookie stares, clearly affected, and experiencing something Jason doesn’t know about. The man with an unknown religious title interrupts her thoughts, and asks her to come up to the podium to speak.

As Sookie tries to speak, she is confronted with all the accusatory thoughts of many people attending, but she tunes them out, and continues, until once again their thoughts invade her mind, and she screams at them all to shut the fuck up. That just makes things worse, so she runs off, and Jason follows her. The man with the unknown religious title, asks if anyone else would like to speak, and Tara’s mom stands up; Lafayette and Tara, both are shocked, and Tara tries to keep her mother from going up. Tara’s mother, obviously somewhere between sober, drunk, and hung over, manages to say a few kind words about Gran, who took care of Tara when she couldn’t. Jason finds Sookie in the cemetery, and tries to apologize, and hug her, but Sookie backs away and refuses to let him touch her. She’s also upset that he invited the Uncle Bartlett character, who it seems has had some unspoken negative impact on Sookie’s life.

Jason tries to tell Sookie that they are all each other has, and Sookie tells him that they have nothing. Jason, clearly emotionally devastated, staggers backward, as Sookie stalks away, leaving him hurt and confused. The funeral breaks up and as the mourners leave, Maxine tries to talk to Tara’s mother; she invites her to a DGD meeting (DGD = Descendants of the Glorious Dead), but she misunderstands and asks if it’s anything like an AA meeting, which she describes as being a cult. Tara jerks her mother up by her arm, and drags her off angrily, and tells her that she had no right to speak about Gran, who Tara says, was more a mother to her than she ever was. Tara accuses her mother of hating Gran, but her mother argues that it wasn’t her that said nasty things about Gran. Her mother tries to tell her that it’s a demon inside her making her do terrible things; Tara laughs bitterly in her face, but her mother continues trying to explain. When her mother asks for help paying for an exorcism of some sort, Tara angrily walks away, as her mother cries and tells her that she needs her.

Sookie walks alone through the cemetery and happens across Bill’s headstone, reading “Beloved Husband, and Brave Soldier”. Meanwhile, Jason waits as the guests depart, each offering him their consolations for his loss, beginning to experience withdrawal from V. In his truck, he almost puts the last drop on his tongue before throwing it out the window, only to get out and begin searching for it. He can’t find the scrap of gauze and begins half-crying; Jason is obviously turning into a junkie. Then we’re back to Sookie, as she stands watching Gran’s coffin lowered into the ground, Sam approaches from behind. Sam tells her he enjoyed the part of her speech where she told the whole town to shut the fuck up; along with the rest of us, and anyway, the bastards had it coming. Sam offers to walk her home, and she takes his arm. Once at home, Sam offers to spend the afternoon with her, but Sookie declines, and says instead that she would rather be alone.

On the driveway, Sam meets Tara coming up as he’s going down; he tells her that Sookie wants to be alone, and they both express to each other that they don’t want to be alone. Sookie, in the kitchen, sits at the table while soft music plays and eats her Gran’s pie while crying. Now, I know this is absolutely terrible and I will admit that I cried too; but half the time, I was staring at the pie and how utterly bizarre it was compared to every single souther pecan pie I have ever seen and eaten in my life. The crust is a weird color, and the stuff inside it is… like greyish brown; so once again, the solemn, bittersweet scene where we should all be crying, is ruined by this god awful pie. HBO should slap whoever made that pie. After a really unpleasant close up of that horrible, scene mangling pie, the camera thank god, follows Tara’s car as she and Sam drive to her tiny apartment.

As they approach the door, the sounds of southern romance drift through the paperthin walls: glass breaking and a screaming woman promising a man that she’ll fuckin’ kill him! Tara reassures the rattled Sam that it’s okay, she says that all the time. Sam looks around the teeny apartment, aghast at the holes, and the paint job no doubt administered by a blind pre-teen, as he sips his warm beer, he has to ask a couple times to make sure this is really where Tara lives. She explains that she moved out of Lafayette’s house because he has a webcam in the bathroom; kinky, but obviously not her thing. Sam tries to offer her a place to stay, but her attitude throws him off, and he decides to follow his balls, which Tara has just thrown out the door. She manages to convince him to stay though, and they kiss and make-up; which mostly likely leads to other forms of making up.

After finishing someone’s idea of a pecan pie, Sookie goes upstairs to her room, somberly changes out of her funeral clothes and into a white night gown before she leaves the house, and runs down the road and through the cemetery towards Bill’s place. Bill, with his sixth sense of her emotions, rushes out to find her, and the two smash together, all lips, tongue and groping hands, before Bill picks her up and carries her inside to do the dastardly deed. Meanwhile, Tara plops back down, after a fairly loud er… Rebel Yell, and Sam suggests that they do “it” again. Despite the allure of sixth grade sexual terminology, Tara becomes sidetracked with something she hears in the next room: the woman telling her man that she needs him, and that he’s all she’s got. Remembering her mother, Tara jumps up and leaves Sam, properly flabbergasted and confused. Jason and the slutty divorcee are at it again as well; staring at his feet I guess, she tells him that she loves him repeatedly, while Jason cries behind her.

Bill and Sookie sit by the fireplace, and surrounded by candles and all things romantic, they undress. Thank god they’re not using the already violated furniture. We’re treated to some tasteful shots of Sookie’s breasts, and barely a peek of nipple, before Sookie gets Bill all worked up enough for his fangs to extend. But Sookie kisses him anyway, as if to say, “That’s okay, I don’t mind the idea of getting my tongue pierced in such an unsanitary way”. The scene changes to Tara, who enters her mother’s house, and finds her on the couch half-drunk and expecting her. Tara goes to her mother, and they lie down together on the couch, comforting each other simultaneously, for different reasons. Meanwhile, Bill and Sookie are having sex, and we’re treated to even more of Sookie’s boobs, before she invites Bill to bite her. His teeth go in and he starts slurping, before the episode ends. Phew.

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And what a song it is! To take a moment aside from the great sounds that accompany the show’s introduction, for a moment, focus on just the introduction. Between the spliced images of bar fights, nasty bits of natural biology, and the tangle of limbs that some of us pause to catch a nipple, there are a lot of interesting little tidbits of southern culture. The style of baptism in the river, the southern black church depictions, and the scenes of kids and adults in the south. Don’t forget the church billboard saying “God Hates Fangs” either. The show realistically depicts the world’s reaction to the existence of vampires on a small town scale, unlike what we often see in films where all the action is in big cities or foreign hyper-modern locales, with plenty of PVC and Spandex in every ensemble. Arlene and Maudette, are played by actresses who have the faces of women who got old too fast, and the show follows them through their lives as they deal with it. At this point in the show, the actors have settled into their roles, and wear their characters like a second skin, making this peek into an alternate, yet bizarrely believable universe, that much more enjoyable. Now back to the show!

We open back up on what’s known as “cop knocking” or, “Jesus Christ, the cops are here! Turn off the lights and sit on the floor!”, on a door; then Lafayette stumbles in, grabs a bat, and in a split second, Tara is inside, throwing things at him. Tara lays into him for selling V to Jason, and explains what she had to go through, while every man privvy to the scene winces in a collective visualization of agony that just might have given a few guys nightmares. Tara eventually calms down after Lafayette apologizes, and promises to go see Jason and make sure he’s okay.

Then the scene switches to Gran, cooking eggs while on the phone with a very irate woman, berating her for organizing Vampire Bill’s speech at the church, to her Civil War interest group, the Descendants of the Glorious Dead. Sookie walks in, and Gran, mindful of the girl’s sensitvity to the subject of Bill, pretends the conversation is vastly more pleasant. The conversation is cut short when the woman tells Gran she’s going to hell, and Gran cheerfully says, “Same to you,” –so we wonder, how much of that was for Sookie’s benefit, and did that sweet old lady just tell that wicked old bitch to go to hell? Sookie sits and starts eating breakfast, and right away, we can tell she’s still in a pissy mood. The two discuss Bill’s feelings, or lack thereof, and Gran tells Sookie that she should basically, think of the opportunity to know Bill as less of a curse, than a blessing.

Back at Jason’s, the recent invalid is rather graphically illustrating his hospital experience to Lafayette, with an Italian sausage and a meat thermometer; again, men around the world unite in visualizing some profound agony. Jason whines to Lafayette, while the sexy little piece of man candy reveals to Jason that Tara has been in love with Jason since they were little kids. Jason apparently had no idea, and goes on to express how horrible his life is, and blames it all on Lafayette and V. This sparks an educational drug moment, where Lafayette explains how to properly “use da shit”. After the Hunter S. Thompson-esque dialogue, Jason does some more V, this time with Lafayette as his coach; only one drop, on a piece of gauze, and Jason apprehensively waits for the effect.

Sookie, back at work, is talking to a smug Arlene, who says that the vampire bar was full of freaks, and “people from Arkansas”; if you don’t know what she means, then you’re from Arkansas, or too far north! Sookie tells Arlene that she won’t be going out with Bill any more, and Arlene, satisfied, moseys off while Sam moves in like Rebound Man, and asks Sookie out, while every head at the bar turns in their direction. Sookie agrees to go to the Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting, and out for coffee with Sam, and then goes off to refill Detective Andy Bellefleur’s tea. Andy asks about Jason and Tara, and Sookie, who knows nothing about it, accidentally destroys Jason’s alibi that he was with Tara the night she was sleeping with Sam, also, the night of Dawn’s murder. Sookie overhears Andy referring to Tara as a “bitch” in his brain, and tells him to watch his mouth; before he can speak any of his suspicious thoughts, Sookie scoots off to refill his tea, and think of a way to reassure Andy that Jason really was with Tara that night.

While Sam is refilling the tea, Sookie goes off to talk to Tara, who is a bit chagrined about Sookie and Sam going out that night, but can’t say why, and won’t. Sookie asks about Tara and Jason’s “beautiful thang”, as Tara had previously referred to it, and Tara explains why she gave Jason an alibi. Sookie senses Tara’s unease about something; –no doubt screwing Sam the other night, –so she tries to peek at her thoughts, and is met with a steady stream of “lalalalalalalalalalalalalala” in Tara’s brain, before Tara storms off. Sookie follows and makes an attempt to reinforce Jason’s alibi, but Andy doesn’t buy it. After Sookie thoroughly emasculates the poor man, he pouts into his tea, looking like he could do with a big hug.

The scene changes over, and we’re watching cars pull into the church for Gran’s big meeting of the Descendant of the Glorious Dead. Maxine Fortenberry, much to the embarassment of her son Hoyt, puzzles over what to do with the giant cross in the front of the church, while Gran hands out programs to the townfolk, which includes even the mayor in its turnout. Bill waits in the kitchen, looking grim, with a bottle of TruBlood. While Gran reassures the mayor that Bill isn’t going to freak out and eat everybody, Hoyt is trying to pull the cross off the altar, before his mother brainstorms a new plan of attack. Sookie shows up with Sam, and they greet Gran at the door, while Bill, obviously fairly jealous, sits in the kitchen like a statue, listening.  Sookie drags Sam over to sit by Tara, the two previous bedfellows looking plenty awkward, as Jason wanders around outside, eyeing a tree like he’d either like to ahem, mate with it, or pee on it.

While Jason stumbles around outside enjoying the LSD-like effects of V, a group of obnoxious young rednecks come in and sit down, while making nasty little comments about the old people to each other, one making a comment about “bringing some shit”. Uh oh. Jason wanders in, still half in his own little world, and approaches Tara’s pew, eyeing a rivulet of sweat running down her neck like it was the sexiest thing he’d ever seen, giving the nauseating impression that he’d really like to slurp it up. Ewwww. The friends talk quietly, before Gran addresses the group in the church and we see that Maxine Fortenberry has tactfully draped the cross at the altar with the American flag. Gran, absolutely beaming, introduces Bill to the small audience, to meager applause, and Bill thanks her before excusing himself to remove the flag from the cross, and hang it once again. The audience is shocked when he doesn’t burst into flames, naturally.

While Bill addresses the audience about vampires living peacefully with humans, and segues into the discussion of his experience fighting for Southern Independence during the Civil War, the townsfolk whisper amongst themselves. The sheriff believes that Bill should be locked up for his past, and Andy points out that his cousin Terry Bellefleur, –Sookie’s co-worker who suffers from PTSD, –killed plenty of men in the war, but Bud Dearborn shrugs and says Terry should be locked up too. Arlene’s son points out how white Bill is, and Arlene states the difference between white and dead. Meanwhile the three obnoxious rednecks attempt to make a garlic press look threatening. In the kitchen, Hoyt and Maxine Fortenberry are setting out the food, when Hoyt spies the TruBlood in the back of the fridge. He decides he isn’t that curious after taking a whiff of it, and puts it way back in the fridge.

Out in the chapel, Bill answers a man about a friend of his in the war; Toliver Humphries, the man’s great-grandfather, whom Bill fought beside. Bill explains the sad circumstances of Toliver’s death, in which he attempted to rescue a boy who was wonded, screaming on the battlefield for help. Jason, still half off his rocker, pictures himself as the screaming kid, in Bill’s memory, as Bill finishes the story. The mayor, Sterling Norris, approaches with a picture he found, and asks Bill to confirm that it is in fact, an old picture of Bill and his family. Bill confirms that it is his family, and answers a couple questions about leaving them, and it’s obvious that it’s a painful moment for him, before he moves on to ask if there are any other questions.

After the meeting, Terry Bellefleur gives Bill a big, half-tearful hug, and states that “they’ll never understand”, before telling Bill to stay sharp, calling him ‘brother’, and taking off. I thought it was pretty sweet, since Terry is obviously much altered by his experience in the war, and was able to connect with Bill on that level. Gran takes Bill’s picture with the giddy Maxine and Hoyt Fortenberry, before Gran and Bill are approached by Sookie and Sam. Bill, much to the puzzlement of pretty much everybody, insists that Sam is “legally” still Sookie’s employer, which, the four manage to shake off after a round of weird looks. Despite being dead, Bill manages to still have plenty of testosterone, but before things can get any more awkward, Sam and Sookie take off for coffee, –Bill thinks that sounds, “delightful”.

Back at Merlotte’s, Hoyt is trying to convince Rene and a still hallucinating Jason to try some TruBlood. Jason meanwhile, is staring at a dreamy Tara in a nymph-like setting at the bar, before Hoyt jerks him out of his reverie and sends him off to fetch another pitcher of beer. Jason informs the two men that he loves them, rather tenderly, before grabbing the pitcher, and setting off to fully embarass himself at the bar with Tara, who immediately realizes he’s high. Jason lays on the hippy romance monologue thick like peanut butter on toast, and Tara half-heartedly attempts to brush him off.

At a coffee shop in town, Sookie and Sam share the last bite of pie in a scene so sweet it made my teeth hurt to watch. They start discussing the weird thought process of Sam, as well as his lack of a personal history, and all that. Back at the bar, the shit is about to hit the fan; Arlene takes a plate back to Lafayette in the kitchen. Apparently, the group of obnoxious rednecks from the church decided to go by Merlotte’s. Camou-guy claims that he doesn’t want a burger with AIDS on it, and after a short discussion, Lafayette proceeds to kick some redneck ass, leaving them with a friendly reminder to tip the waitress. Jason giggles and Lafayette shoots him a high-five before scooting his sexy black ass back into the kitchen.

Sookie and Sam leave the coffee shop, and after a short but sloppy make-out session, Sookie tells Sam that it’s a bit too soon for her to jump to another guy. Sam goes off on a quasi-parental tangent, before getting in Sookie’s face rather nastily; needless to say, the evening doesn’t end well. Sookie refuses to go home with Sam, and goes back inside to call a cab. Back at the bar, Hoyt tries to pick up a celebrating divorcee, while Rene remarks that the scene is like watching Animal Planet; more like the Jerry Springer show afterparty. Hoyt heads back to the table, hesitant to take up the lady’s offer to go home with her, when their drinks arrive. Hoyt tries a big gulp of TruBlood, and nearly gags on the big bottle of warm fake blood. Jason, still high and thinking way past practicality, explains the difference between the synthetic blood, and vampire blood. The men toast each other in their manliness, but the divorcee sees Hoyt drinking TruBlood, and turns ten shades of not interested.

Meanwhile, Bill, walking grimly back to his house, flashes back to seeing his family gathered on the porch. Sheriff Bud Dearborn and Detective Andy approach Bill from behind, and interrupt his little memory moment, wanting to ask some questions. Bill invites them in, and Bud and Andy hesitantly follow. Bill invites them to sit, without so much as a ‘Be careful where you sit guys, fashion criminals were having sex on that furniture not too long ago’; but I guess Andy and Bud aren’t the nicest guys anyway. I just hope neither one of them comes down with a case of acute interest in retro fashion, –the prospect of communicative bad taste is terrifying enough to have me on the edge of my seat!

Andy takes Bill’s offer for a nice warm can of Fresca, served after Bud gives him a good scolding for taking candy/soda from a vampire. Bud and Andy question Bill about the murder of the women, and Bill asks if either of them women were exsanguinated; drained of blood. Bill informs the two that there’s no way a vampire would just kill a woman, and leave her blood untouched; naturally, he shares this information as creepily as possible, with some sexual undertones that make the two southern cops squirm. Once the cops leave, Andy willingly leaving his pen, Bill resumes his flash back memories by the fireplace, the familiar iron toaster by the fireplace bring back thoughts of his first experience with a vampire.

Bill’s memory begins with him invading a “locked” cabin in the middle of the night after knocking and calling for assistance, by cutting through the rope holding the door closed. A woman levels a rifle at his head, and warns that she’ll shoot him, but she feeds him anyway. Bill explains how he got separated from his fellow soldiers, and lost in the wilderness, while the woman serves him toast with the big iron toaster. The woman describes the situation with a husband she believes was killed in the war, then cleans Bill’s wounds as he eats. When she comes onto him, Bill refuses her, for the sake of his wife and children. She tells him that, basically, she’s been feeding and screwing pretty much every soldier that’s knocked on her door, and Bill refuses her yet again, but lets her know that he isn’t judging her. But, when he tries to leave, the woman speeds over, extends fangs, and begins feeding on him.

Bill lays on a bed, half dead, while the vampire sits over him looking pink and healthy, looking around and noticing that hey, there’s quite a few dead and decomposing guys in the room with him. She convinces him to drink from her by telling him that it’s the only way he’ll see his family again; and he does see them again, but only for a few moments, while the female vampire who turned him explains why he can never see them again. Woo, what a bitch. Bill cries tears of blood, and follows the melodramatic, evil bitch off into the night, leaving his family behind forever. Back in the present time, Bill picks up the toaster, and smashes it against the fireplace a few times, but doesn’t manage to break it.

Back at the bar, Tara is taking out the night’s trash, and out by the dumpster, she hears something weird and goes behind the building, where Jason is rather energetically, nailing the horny divorcee. Tara, fully pissed off at Jason, pours trash all over the both of them and stalks off, while Jason resumes screwing the still horny divorcee. We switch over to Sookie, who is just now arriving back at home in a cab. She slips when she enters the kitchen, and turns on the light, to reveal her dead grandmother, in a pool of blood on the floor. That’s where they leave us; very sad. :(

Related Reading:

Shakespeare's Landlord (Lily Bard Mysteries, Book 1)

Entourage 2010 Wall Calendar

The Daystar (Templar Vampire Series, Book 2)

Her Small-Town Hero (Eden, OK Series #2) (Love Inspired #471)

An Ice Cold Grave (Harper Connelly Mysteries, No. 3)

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