Downstairs, in Sookie’s house, Maryann is attended by her zombified bridesmaids. Eggs is holding Sookie as she struggles to get away from the goofy looking egghead, while Sookie tells Maryann off, about just coming in and taking over all her shit, –her house, her Gran’s dress, her friends, –except Jane Bodehouse. Jane tells Sookie she’s always liked Sookie for giving her extra pickles. Sookie promises Maryann that she’s not going to let “this” happen. What exactly does she mean? Seems like Maryann has clusterfucked everything up plenty; as a matter of fact, in the scheme of things, it seems like she pretty much accomplishes what she set out to do. Maryann tells her little bridesmaids to scoot off, so she can talk to Sookie alone, and they take off, with Eggs following them at Maryann’s command. Maryann wants Sookie to do her electricity thing again; apparently, she liked it. Sookie tries, but can’t, and smacks Maryann’s shoulders in frustration. Maryann tells her, “That’s hitting me,” and tells Sookie she isn’t committing herself to what she’s doing. Damn right, committing yourself to hitting Maryann, in my view, would be taking a whole package of ephedrine, an aluminum baseball bat with nails welded into it, and then hitting her.

Sookie argues with Maryann that she doesn’t have any special powers, that she’s a human being, but Maryann doesn’t believe her, and demonstrates why: Maryann does her impression of a vibrator, and nothing happens! She tells Sookie if she were human, she’d be her mindless little goon by now, and asks Sookie again, “What are you?” Sookie, unphased as always, snaps back, “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” Neener. At the Fortenberry doublewide, Maxine is dancing around the kitchen and singing in a toneless growl that will surely be the biggest scare of this episode, –when suddenly, she sees Hoyt’s asleep, grabs her casserole of doom, and makes a break for it. She runs into a yarn trip-wire which jerks Hoyt’s arm up. He wakes up and runs to catch his crazy hag of a mother. Hoyt tells her that he’s going to try to forget everything she said while she was all zombified. Maxine tries to fight him off, throws things at him, and tries to run again, but he catches her and forces her back in.

Maryann continues her interrogation in Sookie’s living room, asking if Sookie if she’s ever felt anyone watching over her; Sookie answers yes, but felt that it was God, –in the Christian sense. Maryann tells her that it wasn’t the kind of God Sookie is thinking of, and Sookie remembers the night she threw the chain at Mack Rattray, when it wrapped around his neck and squeezed tight. Oooh, very interesting. Sookie asks Maryann what she is, but Maryann has no answer, other than Sookie is beyond human, with energy she can’t channel, which is rare but not unique in Bon Temps, –and Sookie remembers Sam. She asks Maryann if she’s planning to marry Sam, and Maryann looks genuinely offended, then goes on about how she’s marrying a god. Honey, we all thought that at first; sure, he’s a god, then ten years later, it’s lite beer, sex on an annual basis, meaningful relationships with Oprah, and if you’re lucky, it’s alimony and an affair with your mailman.

Maryann explains that Sam is just the wedding present, pht, more like the reception dinner. Gross. She starts getting choked up about how long she’s waited for this, and Sookie asks how she knows ‘He’ is even coming. Maryann is sure of it though, and tells Sookie the time has never been more perfect. Sookie tells Maryann that Sam hasn’t done anything to deserve being sacrificed amongst a bunch of loonies, but Maryann tells Sookie about how Sam appeared to her as the ideal vessel; naked, a virgin, and drawn to the statue that represents the birth of her god. Remember the weird looking, barely humanoid statue that Maryann drags around with her everywhere? Yeah, that one. Maryann reveals that Sookie is there because Sam will come running for her; so as Sam’s sacrifice, i.e., the cutting out of his heart, will bring Maryann’s special god, Sookie will draw Sam there, “running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.” Maryann has a hell of a sense of humor. For a manipulative, lunatic psycho bitch, I can sort of see the appeal in wanting to be super good friends with her. The zombie part is a downside, but sex, drugs, running around naked, –well, the music isn’t exactly great. Eh… maybe being forced to screw to the sounds of two guys banging on “authentic” drums from Pier 1 Imports isn’t as fun as it looks.

Maryann places a big leafy garland on Sookie’s head declares it beautiful. Right up until aphids starts crawling around on her scalp, sure, looks great. At the Queen’s high security fortress, Eric is playing Yahtzee as if he were being forced to withstand the torments of a thumbscrew, and looks even less enthusiastic when the Queen tells him they play to five million. Good god, by one million I’d be trying to drown myself in her pool. Rather than repeat every vacuous thing the Queen says, I’ll give you the highlights; she tells Eric the death of his maker, “blows.” How kind, what a nice sentiment, tell me, do you practice flippantly commenting on the deaths of other vampires that are obviously far more superior? The Queen has mad “intellectual” skills. While Eric tries to thank her, the Queen hollers “Yahtzee!”, and after her little outburst, she asks Eric what he said, then interrupts him again to ask him if he knew there was a maenad in Renard Parish, –the location of Bon Temps. Eric reminds her that is the reason he came, and she tells him he shouldn’t get involved.

The Queen tells Eric she told Bill a bunch of “hand-me-down folklore” that could be either “gospel or gorilla shit.” What an attractive female. Then she tells Eric, as if it were the biggest scandal, that she thinks Bill is monogamous with his human; oh no, what is the world coming to?! Eric confirms that Bill is in love with her, and Hadley speaks up, “he is?” but gets a deadly look from the Queen, and looks back down. The Queen tells Eric that she isn’t surprised, that Eric’s probably in love with Sookie too, but Eric denies loving humans; the Queen tells Eric that Sookie isn’t entirely human, and asks if he’s tasted her. Eric, with unabashed regret, tells the Queen no, and she warns him not to ever, because one vampire falling in love is bad enough. They agree that Bill Compton has a knack for finding trouble, and then she asks, out of the blue, –oh shit, –how Bill knows that she is making Eric sell vampire blood for her. Where the fuck did that come from? I guess shit rolls downhill after all. The Queen tells him that the guards hear everything, and Eric tells her that Bill doesn’t know that she is supplying it.

The Queen snaps up from her seat, and pins Eric, fangs out, and tells him, “He better not. I’m holding you responsible,” she kisses him all nasty, but there’s not really anything in it, other than a sort of ‘haha I can make your dick hard before I kill you’ sort of female dominatrix thing. Eric’s fangs pop out, and she tells him they’re lovely, –in comparison to hers, which look like big nasty tusks, –and she tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her ‘Queendom’ (now there’s a funny word), she can own his fangs as earrings. Eric answers that he understands, and promises to personally take care of Bill Compton. Before they can start getting all nasty on the floor, the dingy foreign guy clears his throat and tells Eric, “It’s your turn to make-a Yahtzee.” They sit up, and have an awkward moment, before Eric throws the dice, stares at them, and the Queen tells him he sucks at it. Well, Yahtzee isn’t the most manly game now is it, you dentally deformed pop-philosophic bitch from turn of the 20th century hell?

In the woods near Sookie’s house, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur prepare to ’storm the fortress.’ Jason gears himself up with a bunch of action movie quotes, the last of which is, “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” Uh huh… well, we can hope that he isn’t smelling it out of a paper bag held over his mouth and nose, at least. After some debate, Jason convinces Andy to storm into the midst of the nutcases frolicking around Gran’s lawn, –Bud Dearborn, sans the pants, singing into a sausage is probably one of the best scenes. It takes about twenty seconds for them to become zombified; Andy, the lush, goes first, then Jason. Jason grabs the first gross old hag he sees and starts making out with her. Egads, if there’s anything that might make you want to puke in your soup, that’d be it. At Merlotte’s, Sam approaches Bill after putting Arlene’s kids to bed in his trailer, and Bill goes about the process of making Sam face Maryann. Sam naturally, is a little resitant, but Bill indicates, with fangs out, that he doesn’t plan to give Sam a choice.

In Sookie’s living room, everybody is taking turns licking the egg after a swig of wine, and finally, we find out where the egg comes from. Sookie voices a question we’ve all been asking for a week: “What is with the egg? Did you lay it?” If so, licking it is highly unsanitary, and still is. Think of the germs, people! Does the word “mono” mean anything to you? Maryann tells Sookie it’s an ostrich egg, to symbolize fertility, and then the group forces Sookie to lick it too. Nasty. She should have asked if she could lick the egg first, and avoid having everyone else’s spit in her mouth. Ah, bachelorette party games; Sacrifice the Shapeshifter, Lick the Fertility Egg, –what will they come up with next? Jason and Andy bust in and interrupt the ladies, to announce that the vessel has arrived! Woohoo! Let’s get it started in here, let’s get several degrees more retarded in here! Unfortunately, no one busts out into a song dance routine, they just get all giggly and excited, and ready for Maryann’s big moment.

Sookie is upset that Jason’s been turned zombie, but the state doesn’t seem to have altered him much; he tells Sookie she looks beautiful. Sookie says she won’t be part of Maryann’s wedding, and the original bridezilla threatens to kill her brother if she doesn’t; Sookie agrees, and Maryann tells Jason to make sure Sookie behaves. They get ready for the long walk “down the aisle”, and Jason drags Sookie along behind him. Andy has the job of holding Maryann’s train, which makes him look a bit like Quasimodo, and Tara gets to hold the egg, yay! Outside, a bunch of nutcases have somehow managed enough coherence to throw together a small orchestra for the Wedding March. Arlene and Jane Bodehouse get to be flower girls, and Lafayette gets to carry the big bull mask. The rest of the crowd chants and watches retard anticipation. Bill arrives, and calls to Maryann that he has the sacrifice; Sookie’s pissed! Bill offers Sam in exchange for Sookie, and despite Sookie, and Sam’s protests, the exchange is made.

Bill holds Sookie, who struggles for Sam, and Sam hollers for Bill to get Sookie out of there, so she doesn’t have to watch him die. Maryann, pleased as punch, tells the pallbearers, or I guess, best men, that Sam is theirs. They take Sam, off to prepare the wedding gift, and Sookie asks Bill accusingly if his vampire told him to sacrifice Sam; Bill only tells her to trust him. Maryann begins the ceremony, and Lafayette places the bull head on top of the big nasty statue, that must really be reeking by now; meat in the sun for a few days? Good god, they’re going to need a fifty gallon drum of Febreeze. Lafayette hollers, “Worship him bitches!” and everyone falls to their knees. Maryann calls for the sacrificial egg, which Tara places inside the nasty statue. Maryann begins hailing her ‘god who comes’, then tells some bastardized version of mythology for the occasion. All you need to know really, is that they need Sam’s heart so that the god can be reborn.

The batshit men of honor carry over the wedding present, Sam, and they set him up; Maryann follows, and tells Sam how lucky he is to have a life that means something. I bet he feels really lucky right about now. Everyone else calls for Maryann to hurry up and sacrifice Sam, while Sookie hollers for Sam to use his gift; Bill pulls Sookie back, and tells her to use hers. Eggs takes the knife and stabs Sam in the chest, Sookie screams, and Maryann tells Eggs to bring her the blood. Eggs obeys, brings Maryann the bloody knife, and she traces a line of Sam’s blood down her throat, half-crying and gibbering about how Sam is surely the vessel that will unite her and her god. Sam calls for Sookie in his thoughts, and Bill lets her go to him; she cries and tells him she’s sorry, but Sam tells her to destroy everything, “all of it.” She goes for the spitty icky egg first, and smashes it on the ground. Too bad, could have made a great big omelett. Tara flips out, hollering that Sookie, “killed our sacred egg!” Sookie hollers that none of this stuff is sacred, then goes about pushing over the giant gross statue. I’m surprised she could touch it without barfing; the thing was probably crawling with flies and dancing rice.

The purple electric light comes from Sookie’s hands again, and she pushes over the huge statue of rotting crap, and then everybody goes nuts. Maryann throws a big bridezilla fit, and apologizes to Dionysus for Sookie’s ruining the offering, then decides to sacrifice all of them. She does her human vibrator impersonation, and makes that nails-on-chalkboard sound, which has all her zombie pals writhing on their knees in agony. Sookie hollers at Maryann to stop, and she does, because now she’s decided to kill Sookie instead. Maryann puts her hands in the dirt, and comes back up with big slimy claws, then heads toward Sookie, –who runs off. And the chase is on! A grunting maenad chases after Sookie, and both of them are in formal-wear, so it’s anybody’s guess as to who trips first, but wait, oh no, it’s Sookie by a landslide! Before Maryann can start slashing Sookie with her big, ugly claws, there’s a distinctly bovine, loud sound  up ahead.

A large white bull trots out of the darkness; is it really Maryann’s god/new husband? Her claws turn back into hands, and she whispers, “My lord. My husband.” Maryann approaches the big bull, and touches its nose, –which is disgusting, if you’ve ever done such a thing, it’s not nearly as romanctic as they make it look here. Maryann starts crying, which is actually really sad, because she’s spent thousands of years alive, waiting for this; she tells him to come to her, then opens her arms. The bull walks slowly toawards her, then gores her with one horn, ripping from her belly to her chest, thus ruining forever Gran’s wedding dress. Damn. The bull jerks his horn up and down, which is pretty gross, because Maryann has black blood. Maryann tells the bull she is happy to die, and suddenly, the bull turns into Sam Merlotte, who tears out Maryann’s still-beating heart. She looks genuinely shocked, and totally miserable, and asks softly, “Was there no god?” Again, this is still pretty sad; Sam crushes her heart in his hand.

Maryann’s face instantly turns black, splits open, and she crumples on the ground. It all looks really gross, especially when Sam, who is standing naked, lets her black, mushy heart flop out of his hand. Sookie watches from where she sits on the ground, and back in her yard, everyone returns to normal, the black in their eyes disappears, and they look around, totally shocked to find themselves in the midst of various bizarre scenes of debauchery. Eggs looks especially troubled, with blood all over his hands. Sookie rushes up to Sam and hugs him, wondering aloud, the same thing the rest of us are wondering, –that Eggs killed him, so …er, wtf? Sam tells her no, almost, and Bill comes limping up the road holding his wrist. Bill falls to his knees as Sookie goes to him, and asks if Maryann is gone, telling Sookie that Sam had to drink more from him than he expected. He explains that he promised Sam he would heal him, if he went to Maryann, because they knew of no other way to destroy the maenad.

Sookie tells Bill she understands, and Bill explains that he wished Sookie could read his thoughts. Sam walks up, and Sookie, amazed, states that he was willing to die for all of them, but Sam says that Bill promised he wouldn’t let that happen, though Sam admits he was ready if things didn’t work out. Sam is now wearing pants, which is a little sad too. Tara and Jason approach, and Jason is the first to say “Holy fuck!” when he sees Maryann’s body. Sookie comforts Tara, and tells Bill to get rid of the body, and she doesn’t care where it’s buried, and tells Jason and Sam to get everybody home. Uh, hello, poor Bill is pretty severely weakened, and Jason can barely tie his own shoes. Jason wants to know what happened, but Sookie tells him not now, and hisses at him to get everyone off of her lawn. Bill approaches Maryann’s body, probably thinking, “God, I have to -touch that-, after I almost died saving a guy I don’t like? This Sookie bitch is high maintenance, I need to find a less demanding blond.”

Tara is still upset, even though everything’s over, and tells Sookie she has a sick feeling that it’s not. Hoyt Fortenberry is on his knees, hugging Maxine, thanking God his mama is okay, while she wonders how they got home. Hoyt asks her what she remembers, and the last thing she can recall is “meetin’ that redheaded vampire” of his, and then, –before she can continue what surely would have been an ugly speech, she finds the bandaids on her neck, over the bite marks Jessica left. Maxine starts freaking out and accusing Hoyt of letting a vampire feed on her, but he explains to her that he brought her straight home. Maxine starts in on a tirade, asking what kind of evil monster would attack an “innocent” person for “no reason.” Hoyt tells his mama that Jessica was “provoked”, and when Maxine’s head snaps up, Hoyt explains that he knew it wasn’t really her, and that she was just saying a bunch of nasty things she didn’t mean. Mm, I’m one of those people who thinks that alcohol is a tongue loosener, and what comes from your mouth when you’re liquored up, comes from the mind, –only the mouth is too stupid with booze to close. And Maxine’s zombified state was similar.

Maxine asks what she said, and Hoyt tells her that she said a bunch of nasty, spiteful things about Jessica, about him, and about his daddy, a bunch of lies about how he shot himself. Maxine looks down and away. Hoyt asks her if it was true, asking if it really was a burglar, but Maxine doesn’t say anything. Hoyt sits back, miserable, and his mother tells him he should know the truth, now that he’s nearly thirty. Hoyt gets up and leaves her sitting there, and hollers that he should have known the truth when he was ten. Hoyt goes on, “…or hell, when I was twenty-five! All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, you keep me from going to college, from doing anything! All because you were scared of some burglar that never existed.” Maxine starts blubbering, claiming she was scared, still is, that Hoyt is all she has left, that she had to hang onto him. Hoyt says, “You lied to me for eighteen years, just cuz you didn’t wanna be alone, instead of lettin me be an actual person,” –Maxine tries to take his arm but he pulls away, and goes on, “You know what I wish, mama? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.”

Maxine covers her mouth and begins to cry, but Hoyt isn’t taken by her bawling, and leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Back on Sookie’s lawn, Arlene is trying to get ahold of her kids, and Terry is staring at the flower garland on his head like it’s a poisonous snake, before tossing it away. Arlene is all upset, and Terry suggest they walk, but Jason offers her a lift. Before they go, suddenly, someone screams, oh boy, and it looks like Jane Bodehouse found her finger. Whoops. Jason takes Jane, and they head off with Arlene in tow to the ER, while Bud Dearborn, behind them, tells Andy to come by the station in the morning and he’ll give back his badge. Andy promises to never take another drink, and Bud tells Andy that he’s man enough to know that he can’t handle the mess the town is in on his own. Bud goes on to admit that while Andy has his faults, at least he’s wearing pants. A fire smolders in a bathtub behind them, and it appears things are coming to rights.

Sam looks out across the yard at a doe in the field nearby, and cries silent tears, thinking of Daphne, her betraying him, and what he lost; he’s alone again. Bill approaches and tells Sam, who wipes his eyes discreetly, that he thanks him for trusting him with his life. Bill understands that it wasn’t easy for Sam, who tries to blow him off, by saying that at least Sookie is safe, which is what Bill wanted. Bill reminds Sam that he wanted Sookie safe too, and Sam tells him that Sookie’s family, like the rest of them, and if there was a way to save the townspeople, how could he say no? Bill tells Sam he’s grateful that he revealed his gift for the sake of the town, and Sam tells him he understands now that he suffers a lot more hiding his gift, than if he had just opened up about it. Bill walks away, and Sam looks behind him to see that the doe has gone. Very sad; I hope someone nice comes along for Sam. Inside, Eggs is flipping out, scrubbing the blood off of his hands, asking Tara where Maryann is, who just assures him that them being okay is all that matters. Oh god, trapped in a nightmare without his pseudo-mommy, and only Tara there to explain things to him? I sure as hell don’t envy Eggs; not only is Tara portrayed as a mean, selfish bitch, she’s never had to deal with a whiny, sissified egghead.

Tara tries to convince Eggs that he doesn’t want to know what he’s forgotten, but he remains hysterical about cleaning his hands. Sookie appears in the doorway to inquire about Bill’s whereabouts, and sees Eggs tweaking out, and asks if they’re okay. Tara tells her she’s all right, and tells Sookie she’s sorry for bringing all this weirdness and insanity into Sookie’s life, that she just wanted to feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs her, reassures her that she is part of her family, and promises that they’ll clean everything up. Sookie sees Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and admits to Tara that she knocked him out. Tara tells her she’ll wake him up, that Sookie can go on to bed. Sookie thanks Tara, and leaves her with the downward spiraling Eggs. Upstairs, Bill and Sookie decide to snuggle before he has to leave at sunrise. The next day at Merlotte’s, Charlaine Harris is telling Sam at the bar that she “certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.” Yep, Charlaine Harris was at the bar, pretty trippy hm?

Tara tries talking to Sam, but he’s acting a little evasive, and Arlene has apparently ordered half the menu for her kids; Lisa tells her that they forgive her, but Arlene tells Lisa that she shouldn’t have to know what that word means. Coby tells Arlene that it’s okay, that Sam took care of them, and took them to see vampires, and “one of them could fly!” Arlene tells them that Mr. Merlotte is a good man, but he isn’t family, that she should have been there, and promises them that she’ll be the best mama ever from now on. Terry Bellefleur approaches their table, and presents the kids with toy guns that make noise. While this is an excellent way to make friends, it will eventually cause Arlene numerous splitting headaches, –so maybe not the best move, but sweet all the same. Terry promises to take care of their mama while she’s at work, if they take care of her at home. Sam calls Arlene and Terry back to work, but before they go, her kids ask her if she saw Rene while she was away. Arlene tells them Rene is still on his “vacation with Jesus”, –when she goes, the kids agree that Rene is dead.

Two sassy old chicks are gossipping about what happened; one thinks Maryann was a martian, who was controlling people and erasing their memories. The other thinks that Maryann was an agent from a pharmaceutical company and she poisoned the water with LSD as a mind control experiment, and that’s why she sticks to Mountain Dew. Sam approaches to give them a refill, and tells them that what really happened was the ATF shut down a distillery in a nearby town over a bad batch of vodka that was pure ethanol, and that’s what everybody was drinking last night, then tells them Mountain Dew is a smart choice. As Sam walks away, one woman thanks god for whoever made Sam’s jeans, and declares she’d wear him like a scrunchie. Well, lord have mercy, get a little more raunchy, will you? Lafayette looks over and comments loudly on how stupid everyone is, and with some sympathy, Tara pours him a drink. Sookie approaches, and he tells her he feels for her the most, because she has to remember all of it. Lafayette goes on to say he doesn’t want to know, and asks her not to tell him, even if he begs, and Sookie interrupts to let him know that Jane Bodehouse wants jumbalaya.

On the other side of the bar, Jane Bodehouse is telling some “admirers” how she lost her finger, and got it sewn back on. Apparently, she figures a gator bit it off when she was down by the lake, but the doctor figures the finger will grow back together since she has such good bone structure. Ech, okay. Andy Bellefleur grumbles behind them, from his table with Jason Stackhouse, that it wasn’t no gator that bit her finger off. He goes on to say she pulled her finger out of a giant statue of meat, and saw her gettin’ it from behind with Mike Spencer. Jane and Co. just laugh at him though, and Jane tells him they all want some of what he’s drinking. Andy growls that he’s only got Diet Coke with lime, but Jason clinks his glass to Andy’s and stares. Andy starts going on a tirade, but Jason tells him to let it go, and squeezes his shoulder. Jason starts telling Andy how they’re heroes, and it begins as a long, dingbat speech, but he ends it pretty well, with Jason saying that the whole point of being a hero is to do something greater than yourself, not for the girls, the glory and such. Jason tells him they’re bigger men than that, and hopefully, Andy’s convinced.

In back, Sookie is pumping mustard, which sounds raunchier than it is, when Sam approaches and asks her if she can keep an eye on the bar while he goes on vacation for a while, which is much needed after the event last night. Sookie tries to thank him, but Sam tells her it’s okay, that he doesn’t really want anyone to know any of what happened. But Sookie argues that she thinks everyone should know how special he is, and hugs him. A woman approaches with a big shopping bag for her, and tells her she has a special delivery for Sookie Stackhouse; Sookie accepts it, and the woman tells her she’s lucky to have such a classy admirer. Aww, how sweet. Sookie asks Sam for a minute to check out her present, and goes outside to look at what she got. It’s a very pretty lavender formal dinner dress, and a note from Bill, telling her he owes her an evening out, and asking if she’d wear the dress that night. That is just so tender, and adorable. Gosh. Eggs grabs her shoulder, and scares the shit out of her, ruining the moment, so he can bother her with his drama.

Eggs desperately wants to know what he did, and has been tearing himself up over it, even though everyone’s told him that it wasn’t him doing it, and that he doesn’t want to know. Apparently, that’s not good enough; ever heard the phrase, “Curosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back?” Eggs doesn’t end up satisfied. Sookie looks into his thoughts, where he’s begging her to help in, and agrees to try to bring his memory back. She takes his hands, and asks her to walk her through his first blackout; and the memories come flooding back. Eggs looks horrified, and takes off, but Sookie follows, and tries explaining to him in small words that it wasn’t his fault, that it was Maryann’s influence controlling him. He argues that it was his hands that did it, and runs off, with Sookie calling to him that she’s sorry. At Bill’s house, Jessica comes down the stairs all dressed up and looking purty, while Bill comes out of the downstairs hallway, all dressed up and purty too. Bill tells her she looks “a vision”, and asks if she’s going to see Hoyt Fortenberry, but she is defensive, and says he’s going to see Sookie. Bill calms her down, says it’s fine, though the guys usually went to see the girls in his day. He acknowledges the change though, and tells her to have a good time.

Before he leaves, Jessica tells Bill that she and Hoyt had a fight, so she was going to go apologize. Bill tells her Hoyt would be a fool not to accept, and Jessica smiles some, –which is so cute, since Bill and Jessica get along terrible! She asks where he’s taking Sookie, and he tells her, a French restaurant, though he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years, and humans love them; Bill seems nervous. Jessica tells him to be back by five, and he tells her to be back by four, then opens the door for her. Aww. Parent and teen bonding! It’s a full on -moment-, y’all! In some other town, somewhere else in the world, Sam rings a doorbell, and calls the woman who answers it, “Mrs. Merlotte.” Oh shit. Inside, Sam notices that there are no pictures of him, and the woman who was his foster mother, claims they keep them put away, because it would be hard to explain to their friends who thought they didn’t have any children. Sam confronts her about abandoning him, but all she can say was that they were scared, and an apology that comes in sobs.

Sam is untouched, and tells her he’s not interested in an apology, he wants to know who his real parents were. But Mrs. Merlotte tells him no, that she swore to them she’d never tell. She tells him, when Sam starts to get upset, that he doesn’t want to know them, because they’re bad people. Sam bitterly replies that she’d know a thing or two about that. A small white monitor alarm goes off, and Sam follows Mrs. Merlotte to the back, where her husband lays dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment, and unable to speak. The man’s hand shakes as he gives him a note that reads: “Melinda & Joe Lee Mickens – Last known in Magnolia Ark – I’m sorry”. Sam’s eyes well up, but he doesn’t cry, as he looks at the dying man in the bed who used to be his daddy. Oh god it’s so sad, I almost cried; almost. At Bill’s, Hoyt Fortenberry is knocking on the door with flowers in his hand, looking for Jessica, –what the hell, didn’t she go to his house? He hollers for her, but there’s no answer.

At a truckstop somewhere, Jessica is making out with some trucker, –ew, wtf is going on here? He snags a condom off the visor, and she tells him that before they go any further, he should know she’s a virgin. He tells her he’ll be gentle, and kinda likes that. Jessica asks, “Really?” and he nods, and then she says she doesn’t like it one bit, shows her fangs, and bites! Holy shit, someone needs to get together an intervention or something, and have a talk with her. She can’t just go around eating truckers, that’s just nasty. At Bill’s, Hoyt looks sadly at the door, and leaves the roses by the front door, then leaves. At the French restaurant, Sookie and Bill have entered, and Sookie notices that Bill has rented out the entire restaurant for their dinner, and he declares he didn’t want to share the site of Sookie with anyone else that night. Aww, that’s so sweet, –and you know, incredibly possessive. Sookie brings up the fact that Bill doesn’t eat, but he invites her to dance, which is a giggly and very cute affair, because both of them can actually dance a bit.

At Merlotte’s, Andy is out in the parking lot headed to his car, when Eggs appears, again looking on the verge of hysterics, and carrying the huge bloody knife he was forced to use to kill people. He begs Andy Bellefleur, who isn’t armed, to lock him up, while Andy circles his car trying to get Eggs to drop the knife. Andy tries to calm him down and take the knife, but Eggs throws him on the ground, and hovers over him with the knife, freaking out. Eggs is hollering at Andy, much too close for comfort with the huge knife, when suddenly, he’s shot in the head; Jason Stackhouse stands away to the side, shocked that he killed the man. Andy sighs, and Jason, figuring that Eggs was going to kill Andy, shot on reflex. Andy tells Jason to go on, and get the hell out of there, and he wipes off the gun, –funny how things work out, really, since Andy’s wanted to pin murder on Jason for so long, and when he gets his chance, he passed it up because Jason killed a man to protect Andy. Everyone comes out of Merlotte’s to see what happened, and Andy tells them Eggs was coming after him with the murder weapon, so he shot him.

Tara sees Eggs, and crouches beside him, crying and sobbing, and shaking his body. Sookie is finishing dessert with Bill, telling him it was the best meal of her life, but Bill tells her he has one last thing, and pulls airline tickets out of his jacket pocket. The tickets are for Burlington, Vermont, –ahem, vampire and human marriages are legal in Vermont. Sookie, confused, asks why they’d go there, until Bill takes a black velvet box out as well, and slides it toward her on the table. She opens it and inside is an emormous rock set in an engagement ring, –Bill Compton is proposing to Sookie Stackhouse, good god almighty! I need a fan or I will surely faint! Bill says, “Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Hell, just the first six words are one hell of a proposal, but the rest of them are pretty fantastic too. Sookie tells Bill, who started out confident, that she doesn’t know what to say, her life’s inside out, she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she starts getting all choked up and sensitive and chattery, and Bill is just like, “What?” Poor man.  She brings up the topic of what’s going to happen when she gets old, which is definitely an interesting question, but Bill assures her that he wants her just how she is, and Sookie argues tearfully that she doesn’t even know what she is!

Lordy, have a tissy fit, why don’t you? Bill asks if she’s saying no, but she yelps that she isn’t, she doesn’t know, and for sobbing out loud, finally gets up and goes to the ladies room to clean herself up. In the bathroom, Sookie slips the engagement ring onto her finger, and looks in the mirror at herself wearing it. Ah, nothing like a huge diamond to wear you down; she smiles. Outside in the restaurant, Bill looks worried and frustrated, then someone wearing black gloves wraps a silver chain around his neck, and yanks him backwards. In the bathroom, Sookie is freshening her lipstick, and looking herself over, much more happy. She leaves the bathroom saying “Yes, Bill Compton I will marry you…” but trails off when she sees the evidence of a struggle in the restaurant, and the door hanging wide. She asks, “Bill?” to the empty scene. And that is where we are abandoned, –for an entire season! Gosh… don’t you feel all empty inside, knowing that you have to wait for months now to see what happens? Damn. Well, hey, there’s always the books!

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Inside the blown up nest, Isabelle is among those to immediately begin helping the wounded, while Sookie lays stuck under Eric. She rolls Eric off her, declaring he weighs a ton and she couldn’t breathe; once he’s off her, she hollers for Jason. Jason stumbles out of the hallway, shaking bits of vampire or person off his hands, and gives her a thumbs up. Eric groans, and Sookie turns back to him, he tells her pitifully that he had to shield her, and Sookie tells him to hurry up and heal, but he says he can’t, because it’s silver. She offers to get Godric, but he grabs her, and says “no time.” He tells her to suck it out, but Sookie tells him she can’t, “…it’s too gross, and it’s… you.” Eric groans that he’s dying, he flops back, and wheezes, so Sookie straddles him, cursing, and begins sucking a piece of silver shrapnel out of him. She spits it out, and he points again “other one…” Sookie groans, and says, “You’re kidding me!” but bends over, and begins sucking another piece out. Eric turns his head to the camera, and grins. Oh, you bad boy.

Outside, Bill tells the boy he bit to tell the cowards who sent them that a vampire showed mercy when they had none, and releases the kid. Inside, Jason stamps out a bit of flame on the floor, and looks at half of Luke’s hand, on the floor, softly saying, “Luke.” Aww. Isabelle approaches Godric, and he asks, “Who’s dead?” Isabelle tells him Stan (aww, bummer, I liked Stan; he was cute), Paolo, Catherine, and two human companions. Bill approaches Sookie and Eric on the floor, looking disgusted, and asks, “What’re you doing?” Sookie tells him, and Eric comments, “she was superb.” Bill explains that Eric was in no danger, and already healing; Eric smiling, says, “A tiny falsehood.” Sookie looks back and forth between them, and Bill continues, saying that the bullets would have forced their way out by themselves, and now Eric has forced her to drink his blood. Sookie starts hollering “No!” –a few times, pretty irate, and Bill continues that now, they’re connected, and Eric will be able to sense her emotions. Sookie hollers “You big lying a-hole!” at Eric, who says, “Bill, you’re right, I believe I can sense her emotions.” This made me crack up. That, and that the whole time they’re having this discussion, chunks of someone is falling off the wall behind Bill.

Sookie hits Eric in the stomach, and goes over to Bill, and swears she’ll never do anything for Eric again, then calls him a monster. Bill tells Sookie that it’s not her fault, while Eric gets up, and says “I think I’m gonna cry,” with no small amount of sarcasm. Isabelle calls for everyone’s attention, and Jason more firmly calls for everyone to listen up, while Godric tells them all to go to the Hotel Carmilla, where security has been alerted. People limp off, Sookie tries to clean Eric’s blood off her, and Bill gives Eric a dirty look, and Eric looks quite pleased with himself despite the circumstances. Godric looks around at the mess for a moment, before leaving as well. At the hotel, Bill sits looking moody, when Sookie comes out of the shower, declaring she should kick herself for being so stupid. Bill admits that Eric did take bullets for her, and that at least they came out of it alive. Sookie says she knows better than to believe anything Eric says, and grossed out, says, “I sucked his chest, what is wrong with me?!” while Bill looks like he’s about to puke. He tells Sookie Eric has had a thousand years to practice deceit, that he lied to prove his power to Bill, and that Eric only counted on her goodness, so there is no shame in that.

Sookie tells Bill again, that she tried to spit most of his blood out, but some of it must have gone down, and the worst of things was that he’d always know how she felt and where she was. Bill looks grim, and says no, that’s not the worst. He explains, with much difficulty, that she shouldn’t be surprised if she starts feeling attracted to Eric. Sookie looks disgusted and makes a face, when she says ‘to Eric?’, and states that it’s impossible because she can’t stand him. Bill tells her it is possible, it’s a consequence of the blood, and would have happened sooner or later, that Eric was determined to form the bond with her. Sookie angrily states that she could kill him; not just as an angry comment, but as a suggested solution; Bill states, “I concur.” At Bill’s house, Jessica nd Hoyt are discussing her problem; Jessica states that she might get used to it, that there might be an operation, and Hoyt reminds her that intercourse isn’t the only way to have sex, but Jessica says she wants to have intercourse. Jessica tells Hoyt he should break up with her, but Hoyt says “Hell no, that thing that grows back is just a thing,” and he tells her he isn’t perfect either, that people, even his friends, laugh at him, but she never has. He goes on, and tells her he never wants to hear her talk about breaking up, and Jessica promises she won’t.

Hoyt tells Jessica that she means so much to him, that he wants her to meet his mama. Oh gee, that sounds like fun. Jessica gets all happy and excited, but Hoyt warns her that his mama hates vampires, and she might ask her a bunch of personal questions, or might not talk to her at all, which would make her lucky. No shit. Jessica tells him she doesn’t care what Hoyt’s mama does, that he’s introducing her to his family, and she never even hoped for that. Hoyt tells her that he’s proud that she’s his girl, and Jessica gives him a kiss. Aww, how cute. Jessica pulls away and yawns, tells Hoyt the sun’s coming up, so she has get in the damn cubby hole. Hoyt offers to go down there with her, but she tells him it’s not very comfortable. Hoyt says he’ll build them a tricked out double-wide, and Jessica says that’s so romantic. More romantic than a tricked out single wide? Hoyt promises to sit right there until she falls asleep, and Jessica tells him he’s the sweetest boy in the world, and too good to her; Hoyt says “Ain’t no such thing.” Aww, could you just die? Jessica goes into her little hole to sleep, and Hoyt sits down and sings to her.

At Sookie’s, Tara and Eggs are at breakfast, all bashed up with bruises on their faces. Maryann wanders in and asks how much they drank this time, but Tara tells her nothing, and Eggs agrees. Maryann says maybe they dropped some acid, since it was floating around, and calls them hippies; Eggs looks over, pissy and tells her that isn’t funny. Tara confirms, and says it’s embarassing, but Maryann gets all hoity toity, and declares she’ll never understand people getting embarassed about pleasure and laughter, or be ashamed of letting go. Tara says because she’s never been so out of control, and Maryann goes off again, stating that control is just a social cage for blocking out individuality, –Tara argues that there has to be some control or everything would just be chaos. That suits Maryann fine, and Eggs agrees that he likes a little chaos. Maryann comes over and sympathizes, “Of course you do,” hurray for chaos. Tara, however, doesn’t back off, and tells her flat out that she doesn’t want to black out, and Maryann asks if that’s really what she thinks is happening, and that she thinks they only rose to a higher state of consciousness.

Tara points out that they’re all beat up, and that there’s nothing “higher” about that, except for that they must have been high; she goes on to say that her mother used to black out for months at a time, she’s a black out expert. Maryann asks “Are you?” and without missing a beat, Tara answers “Certified.” Maryann asks what about the saints of India, and the mystics of other religions, who would black out and do all kinda crazy shit. Eggs and Tara stare at her, and Eggs asks “What about em?” Maryann says that everyone thought they were crazy, –Tara says they were, but Maryann disagrees, as if Tara was 12 and arguing with her about gas prices. Maryann gets all blurry eyed and says they were ecstatic, dissolving into infinity and losing themselves with god, etc.. Eggs and Tara continue to stare at Maryann as if she’s nuts, and she gets up and goes to the fridge to retrieve some vodka and tomato juice. She pauses, looks down on them, and says a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss; then she offers them a Bloody Mary. Sure, why not, it’s only about 8:00 in the morning.

At the sheriff’s department, Bud Dearborn is walking through the jail while everyone hollers to be let out, and by everyone, I mean half the town; one cell full of women, one cell full of men, and Sam Merlotte, hollering that Bud has no evidence, and no right to keep him locked up. At the hotel, Sookie is just waking up beside a sleeping Bill. She leaves the room, and knocks on Jason’s door, telling him she can’t sleep; Jason admits he can’t either, and lets her in. They sit, talking about how things were at home, and why Jason was at the Fellowship; because it seemed to him, before they tried to kill him, that they liked him for himself, and that they stopped him from thinking about other stuff. Sookie asks him what he means, but he won’t say. Sookie asks him with all the hateful things he was learning over there, if he didn’t once stop and ask himself what Gran would say. Jason cuts her off, and says he won’t talk about Gran. Sookie asks why, and Jason tells her it’s because he doesn’t want to feel anything.

Sookie tells Jason that they have to talk about Gran; they can’t stop talking about her, remembering her, or loving her even if it hurts too much, because Gran would never have stopped loving them. Jason agrees, and Sookie tells him that they have to keep her alive in their hearts, and prayers. Jason asks, “And Mama and Daddy?” and Sookie takes his hand and tells him that’s right. A tear rolls down Sookie’s face, and Jason says sadly that their whole family is gone, everybody who counts, and they’re all alone, all that’s left. Jason is beginning to cry too, which means Sookie’s crying, Jason’s crying, –god damn it, I’m crying, are you crying? Sookie tells Jason that they have to grow up, stick together, and be good to each other, otherwise they’re letting their parents and Gran down. Jason nods, and turns to sit across from Sookie, and tells her he’s sorry about everything he ever did to her, that he’s a dumbass, a fuckup; Sookie tells him he wouldn’t be if he used his brain instead of just letting it take up space in his skull; she tells him that’s not dumb, that’s just lazy.

Jason sniffles and tells Sookie he’ll try, and she tells him she’s sorry too, that she always loves him, even when she wants to stick his head in a bucket and kick it round the yard. Jason tells Sookie he loves her too, even though he wishes she’d cook for him more, and was normal, and had a normal boyfriend. They lean back, and Sookie turns on the TV; Sarah and Steve Newlin are on the news already, facing Nan Flanagan’s accusation that they kidnapped a prominent member of the vampire community, but the Newlins argue that Godric came to them. Nan Flanagan states that “yeah, because everyone wants to be burned at the stake,” and goes on to say that they use their religious institution as an anti-vampire terrorism enclave, and Steve interjects that the Constitution gives them the right to defend themselves. Nan states flatly that they attacked vampires first; during all this, Steve has a bright red welt on his head from being shot by Jason’s paintball gun. He accuses back that vampires killed his father, and Nan Flanagan comes back fast, saying “That’s an allegation. This is a fact: You and your church armed a suicide bomber that killed vampires and humans.” Unfortunately, Sarah Newlin is the one to talk next.

Rather than say anything that makes sense, Sarah Newlin says, “We are fighting for God’s green earth, and daytime, and Christmas,” –Steve’s trying to talk now and interrupt Sarah’s delusional rambling, but she continues, “and Easter Eggs, and all that is sacred and good. We are fighting for–” Before she can say anything else, Steve fills in the blank with “human rights.” Then the Newlins start bickering, because Steve interrupted Sarah, and Nan Flanagan looks as though she just saw two retards fighting over a white crayon, and asks, “How can you have a meaningful dialogue with these people?” Steve tells Nan she needs to read some St. Paul, and Sarah tells her she hates her hair. Jason, watching, tells Sookie, “There’s a witch, and a son of a bitc,” then tells the TV, “Fuck you Newlins.” Amen. Sookie agrees. At Merlotte’s, Arlene delivers an order to a table, where a woman with a digital camera asks to see the freezer where the dead body was found. Arlene tells them it was a walk-in refridgerator, and to go find some roadkill cuz they ain’t eatin there. She takes their food back, and a big cranky man asks Arlene for silverware. She tells him to get himself, and answers the phone, hollering at her daughter that all she needs is the microwave to make lunch.

Lafayette approaches, and Arlene tells him she’s ’shit scared’, after what happened to Daphne, even though she was clumsy, stupid, and mean, she wouldn’t wish that kinda death on a possum. Arlene downs the shot that Lafayette hands her, and reminds him of the other body in the parking lot, frightened that maybe there’s some kind of curse flying around. Lafayette tells her if she watches out for him, he’ll watch out for her. She asks when it’s going to end, but Lafayette just shakes his head, and Terry calls ‘order up!’ from the back, followed by an “I think…” Arlene tries to talk to Terry, but he avoids her, and ignores her. Arlene starts to cry, and asks if what they did was so terrible, –but Terry hollers no, and tells her not to cry, and says “I didn’t mean to be… peculiar… at you.” He explains that he just doesn’t know what they did, and Arlene asks if they had sex, but they both agree that neither of them can remember. Terry asks if that’s good, but Arlene is just happy he isn’t mad at her, and Terry says, he can’t remember the last time he had sex with anybody.

Arlene asks Terry for some sugar, but some bitch hollers for corn in the dining area, ruining the whole moment. Arlene gives Terry a cute look and a “see you later”, then goes on to take the orders out. Tara and Eggs enter Merlottes, all bouncy and happy with themselves, but Lafayette takes one look at Tara’s face and rushes over to look more closely at the bruise. Tara tells him that Eggs didn’t do it, but he’s pissed, and is full on ready to kick his ass. Tara gets between them, and Eggs lunges forward to get Lafayette, hitting Tara in the process, but Lafayette is on his ass, and the two leave. The crowd at Merlotte’s claps, and the irritating bitch with the camera takes pictures. Lafayette asks what the fuck they’re looking at, but the laughing and cheering continues. At the Fortnberry house, Maxine is fixing Hoyt a cheese and potato chip sandwich, and bitching at him about running off to Dallas, and leaving her worried sick. Hoyt is just as agitated, and tells her to go ahead and speak her mind.

Maxine asks Hoyt why he’s messing with vampires anyway, and says that they’re devils. But Hoyt interrupts, and asks her why she has so much hate in her. Maxine looks shocked, and denies it, but Hoyt gives examples of everything she hates, such as Methodists, Catholics, African-Americans, –she tells him that’s supposed to be a secret, –and a whole number of other things, like red shoes, and checkered curtains and bait, and good god almighty, Maxine is all kinda cranky, damn. Hoyt finishes by saying every girl he ever liked, and the more he likes a girl, the more Maxine hates them. Maxine says she just objects to him having a girlfriend that will kill him and eat him, –that actually does kind of make sense,–but Hoyt states that she doesn’t even know Jessica, and says again that she is just “full of hate!” Maxine says it’s not her fault, and it’s just the way she was raised up. Mhm, never heard that one before. Hoyt tells her that Jessica might be a vampire, but she’s the one for him, and that Maxine has no say over that.

Maxine tells Hoyt that he is breaking her heart, and Hoyt hops up and tells her that he let her run him around because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but those days are over. He goes on to say he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, but if she won’t be nice, he’ll leave her house and never come back. Maxine tries to appeal to him by telling him he’s her only son, that he’s her baby boy. Hoyt hollers that he isn’t a baby, he’s a grown ass man. He takes half of his sandwich and storms out, leaving Maxine sniffling at the table. At the hotel, Sookie turns over in bed, and a finger traces her shoulder. Oh my frigging god, she laying next to Eric in bed, and they’re both butt nekkid. Could someone please give me a cold compress? I think I just might faint. They resume a conversation about why Sookie thinks she’d be a terrible vampire, and why Eric thinks she’d make a good one. Sookie says because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, she’d rather be alive than undead, and that she doesn’t feel right about them always killing people. Eric points out that she killed a man, but Sookie reminds him that was for self defense, not lunch.

Eric tells Sookie that she’d adapt, and trade the sun for the moon and stars. Sookie says she wants them all, and Eric smiles and says she’s greedy, Sookie agrees, and Eric says he loves it. Good god, he’s all kissing her hand and whatnot. Someone, fan me! Eric sits up on the pillow and tells her she has the right temperament for a vampire, and Sookie asks if it’s because she bloodthirsty, high maintenance and old as dirt. Eric agrees that she’s bloodthirsty, but Sookie says “I am not!”, and Eric says, “Everyone thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” Sookie concurs, and says “I am a darling.” Eric bets that she’s ruthless when it comes to the people she loves, such as her friends, her brother, and him, –from somewhere in the room, someone says “Bill.” Sookie sits up and asks, “Where’s Biil?” Across the room, Lorena leans over in a chair, half shadowed, and asks why Sookie cares, since she’s already abandoned him. Sookie argues that she hasn’t and she loves Bill.

Sookie falls back on the pillows, and Eric tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor; Sookie admits that she used to think Eric was cold hard stone, and empty inside. Eric asks her what she thinks now, and she says he’s a big faker, that he’s deep, he feels, and there’s love in him, –Eric replies only for Sookie, and they start making out. Lorena leans forward in the chair and says “You don’t want Bill, he means nothing to you.” Sookie sits up again and says no, but Eric pins her, and tells her this is the beginning, while Lorena chuckles in the background. Sookie doesn’t resist, she just continues making out with Eric. Anna Paquin, and everyone else that has ever made out with Alexander Skarsgard are lucky, spiteful bitches; this is my final verdict. Sookie wakes up next to Bill, looking pretty shocked. She cuddles close to her dead man, and is perhaps reminding herself that she loves Bill, not Eric. At the sheriff’s office in Bon Temps, the jail cells have overflowed into the office; people are handcuffed to the chairs.

Maryann strolls in and the people chained to the chairs are overjoyed, thinking she’s come to get them out. Maryann giggles, and says “We had a good time, didn’t we?” They all happily agree, and Maryann approaches the desk, calling “Hello?” Maryann calls for Sheriff Dearborn, who’s back in the holding area tossing another wench into the cell with all the other women.  Sam hears Maryann calling and flips out, while everyone else cheers for her. A fly buzzes around Sam’s face, then climbs into the vent. Sam takes a closer look, and gets an idea. In the lobby, Bud Dearborn offers Maryann some coffee, and she remarks that he looks exhausted; apparently, they’ve been arresting people all day and night. Maryann shakes her head and comments, “Major crime wave.” Bud tells her they’ve been out doing crazy things, mostly misdemeanors, but it’s stuff he’s never seen before, not in over forty ytears on the job. Maryann offers to talk some of them down, so that Bud can let a few of them out. He tells her he’d be grateful, and asks what he can do for her; Maryann asks about Sam, and Bud tells her he can’t let Sam out because he’s a suspect in a homicide case; he offers to take her back there, but she tells him she knows the way.

Maryann sits Bud Dearborn down and works her crazy vibrator magic on him; his eyes turn black. She takes his keys and tells him to stay. She heads back, and all the people in the holding cells holler for her, but she shouts that she wants Sam Merlotte. Mike Spencer points out Sam’s cell, but he’s gone. Maryann growls through her teeth that now, she’s really irritated. Well, I guess all those times she cut out people’s hearts, and did all that other crazy shit, she was in a good mood. She lets everyone out, still looking plenty cranky. At Merlotte’s, Maxine sits across from a nervous Hoyt, and an equally nervous Jessica, looking stony and full on ready to be a bitch. Jessica calls Maxine pretty, a vast overstatement, and declares that she’s happy that she came, though Hoyt puts in, “even if you were twenty minutes late.” Maxine uses not being able to decide on what to wear as her excuse. Hmm, I guess it was a choice between this ugly ass blue tent, or that ugly ass red tent.

Jessica sympathizes, and mentions red shoes, which makes Maxine twitch, and Hoyt bow his head a little lower. Maxine goes on to bitch about the traffic. Hoyt tries to change the subject by asking her what she wants to eat, or if she wants any more sweet tea, but Maxine says she isn’t hungry or thirsty. She leans over and tells Jessica that Hoyt is a very good boy; Jessica says she already knows, and Hoyt tells Jessica that she’s just as good as him. They start getting cute and giggly, until Maxine tells Jessica she wishes she could meet her people, to see what her family was like. Hoyt tries to interject, but Jessica explains that she was made a vampire against her will, and she has no family anymore, except for Hoyt. Maxine kicks into raging menopausal bitch mode, and says she’s sorry, that wasn’t fair, but that Hoyt has a bright future, and by bright, she means in the sun. Maxine goes on, to say that is Jessica thinks she’s just going to let her son wander around all hours of the night with an orphan vampire, then she has another thing coming. Jessica hisses and her fangs pop out; Maxine leans back.

Jessica growls and says that’s up to Hoyt, and Maxine crankily retorts that she will fight for what’s best for her boy, and Jessica says she will too, and that she can give Hoyt everything a human could. Maxine says, “Not hardly,” and Jessica asks, “Like what.” And here’s Maxine’s big nasty bitch comment of the night: She answers, “Babies.” Jessica begins to cry and runs toward the door. Hoyt stands up, pissed off, and says, “Well now you did it,” but Maxine, hard headed bitch that she is, tells him he’ll thank her one day. Hoyt throws money on the table, and says ,”Not today,” and turns to leave with Jessica. His mama calls after him, asking when he’ll be home, and Hoyt hollers never! The couple walk out, leaving Maxine there alone at the table, looking like a moron. She grabs Hoyt’s half empty beer, and takes a long drink, asking Arlene for another as she passes by. At Sookie’s house, a fly sits on the kitchen table watching Maryann, Tara and Eggs do shots and play cards. Someone knocks; Maryann calls for them to come in, and it’s Lafayette and Lettie Mae.

Tara sassily calls them “aliens”, and right away, shit turns ugly. Maryann asks who the big, sexy black man is (my phrase, baby, not hers), and Tara and Lafayette answer. Maryann invites them to join in, and Lafayette says no, Lettie Mae answers that they’ve come to take Tara away from them. They ignore them, laugh, and Maryann offers Lettie Mae a drink, asking her what she likes; Tara answers, “vodka, whiskey, hairspray, antifreeze,” while Eggs shakes his head and chuckles “damn.” Oooh, somebody needs to come up in there and do some heavy duty bitch slapping all around. Lafayette asks Tara what the fuck is wrong with her, while Maryann teases Lettie Mae with a bottle of vodka. Lafayette says he feels her, that she’s a soulless bitch, and Maryann dismisses the insult. Things get really nasty, and wicked when their eyes go black, and Tara jumps on her mama. Eggs follows, thinking that somehow, his skinny black ass is gonna whoop Lafayette; hell no. Lafayette stomps Eggs into the ground, but Tara is busy beating on her own mother. When Tara jumps attacks Lafayette, they get their chance; Lafayette throws Tara over his shoulder, and they run from the house.

Tara is pushed screaming into the car, and they speed off. Eggs, hollering too, runs after her, but Maryann holds him back, promising that Tara will return, and bring them with her. The fly, who saw it all, buzzes away. At the Hotel Carmilla, Nan Flanagan herself is bitching everybody out; all the vampires of Area 9, Eric, Bill, Sookie; asking if they have any idea of the “fucking PR mess” they’ve created, that she has to clean up. Nan states that she should drain every one of “you bastards.” Haha, nothing more sassy and evil than a vampire PR agent with a lot of speeches to write. Eric tells Nan that Stan planned the raid of the church without their knowledge, –Sookie is staring at Eric, and Eric looks her way, –and Nan replies nastily, “Really, everyone that’s known Stan in the last 300 years knew he had a kink about slaughtering humans, but you, his nest mates, his sheriff, had no idea.” Isabelle asks how they were supposed to know that Stan meant it this time, but Nan cuts her off, telling her that wasn’t her problem, and looks pointedly at Godric, stating “yours.” Eric gets tight inside, and tells Nan not to talk to him that way, but she tells Eric not to talk to her that way.

Nan wants to get to the point; she asks Godric how he was taken, and Godric says that one of them would have been taken sooner or later, so he offered him. Everyone is shocked, especially Eric. Nan asks why, Godric asks, “why do you think?” and she answers that she thinks he’s out of his mind. Then she brings up the traitor, and Godric quickly says, “irrelevant, only a rumor,” and promises to take full responsibility. Nan agrees, and Eric calls her a cold bitch. Nan turns her head, and honestly, she’s so stiff and steely, you expect her neck to creak. She tells Eric flat out, “Listen, this is a national vampire disaster, and nobody at the top has any sympathy for any of you,” –she turns to Godric, “Sheriff, you fucked up, you’re fired.” Godric nods, and agrees, suggesting Isabelle should take his place, since she had no part in his disgrace. Isabelle tells him to fight back, and Eric hollers that Nan is a bureaucrat, and that he doesn’t have to take shit from her. Nan asks Eric if he wants to lose his area, and Eric tells her she doesn’t have that kind of power. She replies, sassily, “Hey, I’m on TV. Try me.”

Isabelle speaks up, trying to shoulder blame for not containing Stan, but Godric stops her, and tells Nan he removes himself from all positions of authority. Sookie speaks up on Godric’s behalf, and tells Nan that she should thank him, from stopping what might have been an exponentially worse PR mess, and she should be thanking him. Nan asks if she should thank him for getting kidnapped, attracting a suicide bomber, piss poor judgement, –and Eric jumps up, ready to eat Nan. Isabelle puts herself between Eric and Nan, and Godric stops him, telling him it doesn’t matter. Eric and everyone else, sit back down. Nan asks to be told everything about the bombing, and Godric begins. Back at Merlotte’s Maxine is still boozing, whining about Hoyt to her friend, when Maryann enters, a wind blowing at her back, making her look all evil and nuts. She announces that “The god who comes demands his sacrifice! Where is Sam Merlotte?” Everyone’s eyes go black, and Arlene answers that Sam hasn’t been there all day; Terry calls from the bar that he was planning to leave a while ago.

Maryann does her best impersonation of Linda Blair, and shouts, “Find him and bring him to me! BRING HIM TO ME!” Roooooar! And stuff. At the local hotel, Andy is sitting on the floor boozing when outside a fly lands on his door knob. A second later there’s a knock on the door, and Andy anxiously opens the door, cracking it open to find Sam standing ther butt ass naked. Sam says, “Heard you were here,” and Andy lets him in. At the hotel, Nan declares the whole situation a fiasco, and declares that they’re lucky she doesn’t send them all to the magister. She tells Godric to come to her room to fill out the forms, but he replies that he first has something to say. “I’m sorry,” he begins, “I apologize for all the harm I’ve caused, all our lost ones, human and vampire. I will make amends, I swear.” Sookie looks at Godric, then Eric, but Nan tells Godric to “take it easy, it’s just a few signature.” After Nan leaves with her small entourage, of whom are mostly likely bodyguards, Eric stands, and tries to appeal to Godric to change his mind.

Godric tells Eric to look into his heart, and Eric knows, but still argues; Godric replies simply, “on the roof,” and follows Nan out. Bill tells Eric they have a score to settle, but Eric tells him not now. Bill disagrees, says “yes, now,” and punches Eric right in the face, then asks if he’s made his point. Eric weakly replies that it’s done, he’s a part of Sookie now, and tells Eric to get out of the way. Bill moves, and Eric leaves. Bill stares at Sookie, then wanders into the other room, flexing his hand; Sookie appraoches, stands in the doorway, and announces that she’s going to find Godric. Bill argues that none of this has anything to do with them, that Godric isn’t her problem; Sookie reminds Bill that without Godric, she wouldn’t be there. She tells him that Godric is in pain, and suffering, that she has to do something for him. Bill asks whether she thinks they’ve done enough for Dallas yet, but Sookie tells him that he of all people should know how Godric feels. Sookie asks Bill, “What if in 1800 years, you were Godric?”

Bill says all right, but demands that he go with Sookie; she tells him she refuses to let him take that chance. Bill tells Sookie that she’s tenderhearted, and he can see she feels obligated, but asks, in all honesty, what she can do for him. Sookie tells him she doesn’t know, she just has to be there. She asks Bill if he understands, and he replies that he does, kisses her, and Sookie leaves. On the roof, Sookie lingers by the stairs, while Godric tells Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric says he cannot accept that, it’s insanity. Godric tells him, “Our existence is insanity. We don’t belong here.” Eric shouts, “But we are here!” They go back and forth; God ric says it’s still not right, and Eric answers that Godric told him that there is no right and wrong, only survival or death. Godric tells him that he told a lie, as it turns out. Eric tells him that he will keep him alive by force, and Godric asks, even if Eric could, why he would be so cruel. Eric begins to cry, saying in his own language, “Godric, don’t do it.” Godric answers, the same, “There are centuries of faith and love between us.” Eric begs him, repeating ‘please’ in his language. I have to stop for a moment, because this part makes me bawl.

Eric falls to his knees, and begs Godric again, who stands while the sky begins to lighten behind him, and repeats, “Father, brother, child,” as he did when he first offered to turn Eric, a thousand years ago, and asks Eric to let him go. Eric says, “I won’t let you die alone,” but Godric says he will, and Eric sobs once more, while Godric places a hand on his head, and says, “As your maker, I command you.” Eric stands and walks toward the stairs, where Sookie waits; she takes Eric’s hand and promises to stay with Godric, as long as it takes. Eric leaves, and she goes to Godric, who says “It won’t take long, not at my age.” Sookie tells him that the whole Feelowship of the Sun part wasn’t very smart, –way to go Sookie, nice bedside manner, –and Godric says he knows that now, but that after so long, he doesn’t think like a vampire anymore. He asks Sookie if she believes in God, and she says yes. Eric asks, “If you’re right, how will he punish me?” Sookie tells him that God doesn’t punish, God forgives.

Godric tells Sookie “I don’t deserve it, but I hope for it,” and Sookie tells him we all do. Godric asks if Sookie will care for Eric, and she says she isn’t sure, “you know how he is,” and Godric smiles a little, and says he can take the blame for that too. Sookie says, “Maybe not, Eric’s pretty much himself.” The sky lightens more, and Godric faces the sun. Sookie asks if he is very afraid, and Godric says “No, no. I am full of joy,” –Sookie starts, “But the pain,” and Godric interrupts her to say, “I want to burn.” Sookie tells him, “I’m afraid for you.” Godric starts to smoke a little, and he smiles at Sookie, and says, “A human with me at the end, and human tears; 2,000 years, and I can still be surprised. In this I see God.” Sookie backs off, and cries softly, tell Godric goodbye, as the sun sets him aflame. He burns in blue fire, closes his eyes, smiles, and vaporizes into ash on the wind. And that’s where they leave us! Sitting here, crying like ninnies, waiting to see what the hell happens next. By the way, if you’re wondering why you’re getting so many direct quotes from Godric, it’s because he dies pretty fast in the series, so everything he says is important.

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After Jace Everett serenades us against a backdrop of southern culture and lust, we see, OMFG, that Jason Stackhouse is alive! He’s alive, alive, alive! Do a happy dance! He sits up, and that crazy Newlin bitch has shot him with a paint gun. He lays there, repeating that he’s saved, and it was God that saved him, while Sarah hollers for him to grow a brain cell. Hey, watch it now, only people who know Jason can pick on him, –like us! Jason calls her a crazy bitch, and she starts screaming at him that she gave him everything, and bla bla bla, and he is worse than Judas! Jason stares at her and says, “Why, what’d he do to you?” Sarah lets out a maniacal laugh, and says “Fuck you!” before shooting him in the balls with her paint gun. Now that was uncalled for! Before she can shoot him again, Jason asks what the hell is going on, and why she told her husband, Steve Newlin, about their affair. But that’s not why she’s pissed; she comes right out and says, “We have your sister!” Uh oh, you’re gonna piss him off.

Sarah tells him while pointing the gun at him that Stackhouses ain’t nothin but heartless, two-faced, vampire fuckers. Ooh, that’s some nasty language from the Barbie-Bible-Bot, and Jason snatches the gun out of her hands and knocks her over, telling her not to ever talk about his sister like that. Jason hollers at Sarah, while he jumps in her little gold cart, that if he finds out any of them so much as touched Sookie, he’s coming back “an’ it won’t be with no FUCKIN paint gun!” Oooh, the crazy bitch made him mad! Jason takes off, leaving Sarah Newlin’s stupid ass crying in the ditch. Steve Newlin is speaking loudly on the PA over the obnoxious alarm, that the church is on lockdown, women with children are being herded into classrooms, all able-bodied men and personnel are being supplied with stakes and silver. Eric and Sookie are trying to sneak out, and Sookie suddenly asks why Bill isn’t there. He tells her that Bill would kill everyone because of his irrational attachment to her.

Sookie asks if Godric is Eric’s maker, rhetorically, and he tells her not to use words she doesn’t understand. Sookie says Eric has a lot of love for Godric, and he tells her not to use words he doesn’t understand. Aww, poor Eric. Eric watches as the doors to the church are closed by a group of men, who almost lock the door, before Eric goes around the corner. Sookie goes to stop him but Eric leans in all close and good god… all sexy like he does… and says “Trust me.” Sookie’s eyes get all big, and she stands back while Eric goes out for some play acting that will absolutely disturb you. He hangs his head forward, hunches his shoulders a bitch, and speaks in a southern accent, telling the guys at the door that Steve sent him to man the door. When they notice he doesn’t have a stake, or silver, Eric attempts to glamour one of them for a stake, but one guy sneaks up behind Eric to stake him. Sookie hollers “Stake!” and Eric scatters them like feathers in a light breeze. They fall over and run off, but one guy almost gets a stake through the neck, before Sookie tells Eric he doesn’t have to kill the guy. Eric drops him and opens the door.

Outside, a bunch of deranged Soldiers of the Sun are coming up the walk with bows and wooden arrows; the guy on the ground tells them that the arrows are wooden, and they’ll never make it. Sookie tells Eric to go through the sanctuary, and off they go! As they’re about halfway down the aisle, Eric asks where the exit is; Sookie points it out, and Steve Newlin appears, saying there are several exits, but the easiest one takes them straight to hell. Sookie and Eric stop; behind them, a mob streams in through the doors, carrying stakes, and silver chains. Sookie tells them to let her and Eric leave, to save theirselves, that no one has to die. Steve tells her “The war has begun, you evil whore of Satan!” Woo, that’s harsh. Steve says vampires cast the first stone by murdering his family, that the lines have been drawn, and they’re prepared for Armageddon. Sookie tells them that Godric escaped, and is sending for help, but Steve says he isn’t concerned with Godric, that any vampire will do for their grand celebration, and they’ve got one right there, –pointing to Eric. No! Not Eric!

Eric looks at Sookie, and tells her he’ll be fine, before stepping up closer. Steve Newlin giggles like a lunatic, and tells the mob that there -will- be a holy bonfire at dawn. Back at Bill’s hotel room, Lorena has poor Barry the Bellboy pinned against the door, while Bill sits looking miserable. Lorena declares Barry “room service” and though Barry tries to explain that he doesn’t do that kind of thing, Lorena spins him around and that shuts him up. Bill once again feels Sookie’s fear, and says her name aloud, while Lorena bitches and moans about how Sookie is like an alarm clock you can’t switch off. Well, if you’re ancient and don’t know how to unplug it, yeah, it might be hard to figure it out. Duh. Lorena looks at Bill and says he can have the first bite, but Bill hisses at her that he isn’t hungry. When Lorena bites Barry, she’s shocked because Barry tastes different, and she asks what he is. While she’s distracted, Bill grabs a TV and smashes her over the head with it. Barry slumps to the floor, and before Lorena can get up again, Bill smashes her flat with the TV. Daaaamn, that shit looked like it hurt.

Bill grabs Barry and carries him off, while on the floor, Lorena is laying with her eyes wide open, and bleeding out of her head. In the next room, Hoyt and Jessica are “doin it” and Bill bursts in, –Jessica screams and hides under the sheets, while Bill looks away a little freaked out. Before Hoyt can say anything more retarded than, “those were screams of pleasure!”, Bill tells Hoyt to take her, put her in the truck, and drive her back to Bon Temps right now. Hoyt falters for a moment, and asks “Now?” Bill hollers “now!” and runs out the door, slamming it behind him. Back in Bon Temps, Lafayette is reading Tarot for Tara, and comes up with the Lovers, upside down, and explains to her that the negative meaning calls for a sacrifice of the heart, and she’ll need to make a choice. Tara protests that it might turn out well, …right? Lafayette asks her if she wants to see the future, and just as he’s about to flip the Justice card, Eggs walks in, telling Tara he needs to talk to her. Lafayette gathers the cards, saying that he’s off to go clean or grill something.

Eggs is all upset because he’s blacked out again; he remembers being in the car, and then he wakes up two hours later, sleeping on the ground by the lake, freezing cold with no idea how he got there. Poor baby. He asks Tara what the hell is wrong with him, –like she has a clue? Tara tells him it’s okay, and calls to Lafayette if he’s okay to close up, before she hauls Eggs off to take him home. At the Fellowship of the Sun, Jason speeds into the parking lot, and up to the church holding his paintball gun, where he tells the guys outside that he’s a cadet with the Light of Day Institute, in order to get into the church, and that it was Steve Newlin who called for him. They let him in, with one guy, who suddenly asks, “Is that a paintball gun?” Jason smacks him upside the head with it, knocking him down, and says, “Yeah it is.” Woo, go Jason! Kickin’ ass! Jason drags the unconscious guy out of the way, and stashes him. Outside Merlotte’s, Sam is sleeping in his Jeep, one paranoid step away from wearing a tin foil hat. His cell phone rings and he lurches awake, gun in hand. Jesus Christ, don’t shoot yourself, lunatic. He finds the phone, but it says “Merlotte’s” on the caller ID. He answers the phone; whomever is calling from inside his bar makes a gross, breathy sound and hangs up.

Sam gets up, and decides to check his bar out, calling ‘Hello?’ as he opens the door, and walks around, carefully. He heads back to the kitchen where the cooler door is ajar, and finds Daphne laying there, propped up against boxes of produce, with a gaping hole in her chest. Hmm, funny how, dead Daphne doesn’t look much at all like Live Daphne. “Jesus Christ!” Sam says, and runs off ot hide his gun and get some garbage bags. With her body half covered, Sam gives up, and grabs his phone. He dials the number, but as soon as the call goes through, he hears cars outside and sees the flashing blue lights that mean the cops are here already. At Sookie’s, Maryann hums to herself while she cut up and cooks Daphne’s heart. Yum! I especially like the part where she rubs it like it’s going to come to life any minute and hop under her dress for some wicked nasty hanky panky. In the sanctuary section of the Fellowship of the Sun’s church, Eric is laid out on the altar, restrained by silver chains that make him sizzle in place. Steve Newlin rambles about the connection between Jesus being betrayed by silver, and vampires being harmed by it.

Sookie hollers “That doesn’t make any sense! How can you people listen to him?!” but the mob doesn’t listen, and watches in morbid fascination while Eric offers himself for Godric and Sookie’s freedom. Just as Steve Newlin is remarking on how neat it would to tie Sookie to Eric and roast them together, Bill rushes in, hollering for Sookie. But Steve puts a gun to Sookie, and tells Bill if he takes another step he’ll kill her. Bill in turn tells Newlin that if he shoots Sookie, everyone in the room will die, and repeats to release Sookie. Steve tells his mob to put chains on Eric as well, but suddenly, Jason pops up and shoots the gun right out of Steve’s hand! Nice shootin’ Tex! Jason hollers, “Let her go, fuckwad!” and pegs Steve again, right between the eyes! Steve screams and curses while the mob drags Jason down, but while they’re distracted, Bill rushes forward and scatters everyone restraining Sookie, who in turn, frees Eric, who is looking plenty mean. Eric grabs Steve and slams him down by the throat, and Sookie hollers for Eric not to kill him.

Jason feels differently though, screaming, “Kill the motherfucker!” angrily. Luke is in the tumult as well, looking around all confused. Steve tells Eric to go ahead and kill them, to martyr them before God, because they are willing to die. Suddenly, all the vampires of Area 9 show up, looking ready for action and mad as hell. Stan, in the lead, hollers for Steve Newlin, and Steve, on the floor, is all, “huh?” Stan asks if he expects them to sit on their thumbs while his little army prepares to lynch them, and promises “we’ll kill you first, just like we did your father.” Steve screams “Murderer!” and struggles in Eric grip. Stan orders the vampires to kill everyone, and faster than you can actually see, the vampires each take a human and prepare to eat them. Before anyone get a bite, Godric stands above them all in the sanctuary’s rafters, and shouts “Enough!” Godric tells his vampires that the people of the Fellowship haven’t harmed him, and asks Steve if they leave the Fellowship in peace, will he do the same?

Steve hollers that he refuses to negotiate with sub-humans. He crawls up on his knees by Eric, and opens his collar, saying “Kill me, Jesus will protect me!” Uh huh, apparently. Godric says that he’s actually older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have known him, but he missed it. Even faster than the other vampires, Godric is off the beam, and snatches Steve Newlin up by his collar, asking which of the people present are willing to die for Newlin’s madness. No one says a word, and Godric tells everyone to stand down, and tells all the humans to go home, tossing Steve aside. Godric remarks that his faith in humankind is stronger than Steve’s. Steve whines for them not to leave him, but they do anyway, walking out and probably thrilled to be alive. Luke walks out with the rest of them, still looking troubled. Godric tells his vampires to “Come,” but Stan steps in front of them, starting to say, “Sir, after what these humans have done to you, –” but Godric cuts him off, and again tells him firmly to “come.”

Stan is not pleased, but does as he’s told, and Eric approaches Sookie to ask if she’s sure she’s okay, but Bill, cranky about Eric’s nasty trick, tells Eric she’s fine, to go with his maker. Jason approaches Sookie and hugs her tight, but she wants to know how the hell he got there, and if he lost his mind. Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sookie it was like Steve “sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there.” Uhhhh… k. Steve Newlin says Jason knows nothing, and that on the final day of reckoning, we’ll see who goes to heaven. Jason walks up to Steve and tells he’s been to heaven; “It was inside your wife.” Oh damn! Zing! Jason punches Steve in the face, Bill pulls him away, and Sookie, embarrassed and not actually angry, tells Jason to come on. Jason throws his ring at Steve, and says “Honesty my ass, shithead!” still cursing as they leave the church.

At Merlotte’s Kenya, the bitchy disbelieving deputy, and Sheriff Bud Dearborn, equally annoying and disbelieving, are telling Sam they can’t tell him where their anonymous tip came from. Sam asks them why he’d put a dead body in his own cooler, and asks whether the call was from a woman. Kenya asks if it was true that Sam was having a relationship with the deceased, and Sam admits that it was true. When they start questioning him as to why he wasn’t more emotional about her death, he tells them that he and Daphne broke up. They get into their theory that Sam must have been “pretty angry”, and so on, and Sam tries to tell them that they have to trust him, because there is more to what’s going on. Kenya brings up the other dead body that’s shown up on Sam’s property, and Bud mentions the third waitress that has been killed. Sam is outraged, since it was Rene Lenier that killed the other two. Sam tries to appeal to them again, saying that they know him; but Bud tells him that there are no records of Sam’s past, and such.

Bud Dearborn tells Sam to save it, and tell them what happened that night. Andy lurches in and tells them that they got the wrong guy; Bud asks how Andy heard about what was happening, since he’s not a cop anymore. Andy reveals his radio, and tells Bud that he’s still got it. He tries to tell them that Sam was really the victim, and Kenya jumps up, asking if Bud wants her to get him, but Bud gets up and tries to “reason with” Andy, –even though Andy is telling the truth this time. Andy tells them he saw Sam almost get killed last night, and that the vic in the cooler, Daphne, was one of the crazy people dancing around in the woods trying to kill Sam. Bud explains to Kenya that Andy tried to tell him that he thinks he saw some kind of bull, –Andy goes on, “a bull, with claws, and… a dress!” Shit, it does sound crazy, but yes, a big bull headed monster with claws in a dress did try to kill Sam. Andy explains that he tried to fight them off, but holds up his arms and points to his “war wound.”

Andy turns to Sam and tells him he’s “corroboratin’ here, help me! Tell ‘em!” Sam turns to Bud and says, “If I told you that’s what happened, would you believe me?” Bud looks at them both like they’re insane, and Andy grumbles ‘aw, shit.’ At Sookie’s house, Tara is trying to comfort Eggs, telling him he’s not the only one losing time; that she’s blacked out, Arlene has blacked out, and maybe there’s been some kind of gas leak. Eggs asks about Andy Bellefleur, saying that he’s seen them all dancing and screwing and whatnot, but Tara dismisses him as a nutball. Eggs confides to Tara that he has a sick feeling that he did something really bad, but before Tara can say anything, Maryann pops in asks if she’s interrupting. Um, yeah bitch, GTFO. But Eggs explains that they’re trying to piece together everything they’ve been doing for the last couple of days. Maryann says maybe they’ve been enjoying themselves a little too much, and maybe they should ease up on the partying, and take it easy for a while.

Tara and Eggs look at her like kids who just got caught stuffing peanut butter inside a VCR. Maryann claps, and says, “Hey! Snack’s ready!” and her little minions follow her into the kitchen where she serves them what she calls “Hunter Souffle.” Tara carves into it, and the nasty damn thing is all red and nasty looking, and leaking good. It looks like the stuffed what was left of the dead Eddie goo in there and put a crust over it. Shit, I wouldn’t eat that if somebody put a gun to my head. Eggs shovels a forkful of the nasty looking red shit into Tara’s mouth, and she goes, “Mmm, is that rabbit you caught in here?” and Maryann answers, “Among other thing.” Fuck that gross shit, ew, god damn. She didn’t even tell them what else was in it! You know like, the human heart of one of Tara’s co-workers. They both start shoveling dangly bits of carnage into their mouths, and honestly, this scene can’t be over fast enough. It looks like they’re eating guts and roadkill, and all kinda nasty shit. *puking sounds*

At the Area 9 nest, vampires, donors, and the like, mingle amongst one another, and they line up one at a time to welcome Godric back into the nest. Stan, next in line, welcomes Godric back, and tells him they’re all very relieved. Godric nods, and Stan walks up; Jason was behind him, and he approaches Godric nervously, and tells him he’s real sorry for what the Fellowship put him through. Before he can leave, Godric tells him that he helped save many lives that day, and that he has friends in the area whenever he’d like to visit. Jason says thanks, but tells Godric he doesn’t think he’ll be coming back any time soon. Jason walks off, and almost runs into Eric, who says “Hail the conquering hero,” by way of greeting. Jason practically blushes and says “Nah, I ain’t no hero,” but Eric says he is in that area, –but reminds him that in his area, they know Jason well as a buyer and user of vampire blood. Jason looks terrified, but Eric says they can call it even, as long as Jason doesn’t do it again. Jason confirms, and Eric says, “Good boy,” and sends Jason along, looking very pleased with himself.

Jason wanders off, while across the room, Sookie thanks one of the vampires in the nest for the outfit she let Sookie borrow, and confronts Bill about his avoiding being alone with her all night. Bill says “Nonsense,” but before he can go off an any spiel, Sookie asks him where he was while she was held prisoner in the Fellowship’s basement. He almost says, “It’s complicated,” but before he can finish, Sookie demands a real answer. He starts to tell her he was “held”, and Sookie asks if he means kidnapped, and if it was Eric, who wanders over at the sound of his name, and asks Sookie if she was speaking well of him. She asks why she should, when he let her walk into a trap, and he starts to say if he had known, –but Sookie cuts him off, with a “You did know.” Oooh, busted, Captain Smooth. Sooke continues, that because it was Godric, he’d have risked anything; Eric explains that the bond between a vampire and maker are stronger than anything, and perhaps one day she’d find out. Bill looks pissed, and there are stares all around for a moment.

In Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jessica continue to make out as they walk into Bill’s house and close the door. Hoyt tells Jessica “whoa,” and reminds her Bill might not like them doing “this stuff” in his house. Jessica giggles and says Bill will never know. Yeah right; if vampires can hear as well as they can, then they can probably smell sex too. Jessica expresses an interest in wanting to “do it again”, so they strip, and get ready to screw on that one couch, where all the screwing takes place. Icky. When they start screwing again, Jessica suddenly tells him to stop, because it hurts, and Hoyt finds blood again. Jessica looks upset, as it slowly dawns on her hymen “grew back.” She paces, beginning to cry, when Hoyt finally figures out why she’s upset. Hoyt tries to comfort and tell her that it’s beautiful because every time will be like their first time. But Jessica isn’t going for it, she tells him that it’ll hurt like hell, that she’s a deformity of nature, she’ll be a virgin forever, and she turns away to cry. That would really suck, poor Jessica.

In Dallas, at Godric’s nest, Bill and Eric pass in the hallway, and Bill grabs Eric’s arm to have a word with him; Eric tells him he doesn’t like being touched, and Bill tells him, “Believe me, I don’t like touching you.” Well, gosh, I hope not. Almost everyone is pretty sure Bill is straight. Looks like Bill is going to confront Eric about calling Lorena. Bill tells Eric that his contact with Sookie will end immediately, and Eric retorts that’s hardly for Bill to say. Bill says that calling in Lorena, because Eric can’t win Sookie for himself, was a “feeble and desperate” move. Eric turns around, smiles, and asks him if he’s picking a fight. Bill tells Eric flat out that Sookie will never be his, that he is powerless, and to just accept it. Oh, but it looks like something interesting is about to happen; Isabelle is dragging in her human lover, Hugo, who looks all kinda fucked up. She knocks him flat on his face before Godric, and tells them that Hugo was the one who betrayed them. Jason watches from the crowd. Godric asks Isabelle if Hugo is her human, she admits yes, and when Godric asks if she loves him, she is silent for a moment; there are traces of blood on her face from where she’s been crying.

Isabelle admits she did love him, and when she starts to cry again, Godric says it appears that she still loves him. Isabelle says she does, but that Godric is still her sheriff, and he can do with Hugo as he pleases. Godric tells them that the human is free to go; and Jason looks like he’s got some thinking to do. Stan angrily says “What?!” from somewhere in the crowd, and Godric firmly repeats himself. Godric tells Hugo to go, and don’t return, because it isn’t safe for him there. Stan argues that “this is a travesty”, and Godric reminds him that this is his verdict, and calls for Eric to escort him out, and see that he is left unharmed; Isabelle follows, perhaps to say goodbye. So sad. Sookie approaches Bill again, asking what “that” was about; Bill assumes she means Godric’s verdict, but Sookie said she meant what the deal was with why he was talking to Eric if he kidnapped Bill. Bill admits that it wasn’t Eric, but before he can say more, Jason comes up, and taps Bill, quietly asking “Mr. Compton?”

Jason asks if there’s somewhere he can talk to Bill in private, but Sookie tells him now isn’t the time; Jason insists, and says if he doesn’t say it now, then he never will. Bill agrees to go talk with Jason, and the two men leave Sookie there looking irate. At the sheriff’s office, Bud leads Sam to a cell, while Sam tries to tell Bud that he really isn’t the guy they want. Bud tells Sam that if it’s true that something’s after him, then jail is the safest place for Sam to spend the night. They get to a holding cell, and Jane Bodehouse is in jail, with no pants on, offering Sam a hug, and Mike’s in a cell too, claiming he was arrested for sodomizing a pine tree, though he doesn’t remember it, he claims it must be true because his pecker has all kinds of scratches on it. Kenya tells Sam it was a hell of a night, and must be a full moon, –Sam surreptitiously remarks that he’s pretty sure it’s not. Bud Locks Sam up, and tells Mike to leave Sam alone. Outside at the Area 9 nest, Bill asks Jason what he wanted to talk about.

Jason tells Bill that he wants his forgiveness, and that he knows Bill loves his sister, and that there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to, and admits that he’s let his own stupid, ignorance stand in the way. Bill looks a little uncomfortable, but tells Jason thank you, but he’s also indebted to Jason for helping him rescue Sookie. Jason says that after all he did to fuck everything up, it was the least he could do. Jason says he was sorry that it took him so long to wake up, but Bill says Jason did, just in time. Jason looks like he might cry, and then wraps Bill up in a big hug; Bill looks a -lot- more uncomfortable, but does his best to hug Jason back. Jason asks awkwardly if that was “okay for you” and Bill, about a hundred times more awkward, says “it was fine.” Inside, Isabelle almost approaches Godric, then turns and walks off; Eric instead approaches, and tells Godric that Hugo has been dispatched with a warning not to stop driving until he reaches the Mexican border. Eric tells him he’s arranged for an extremely rare AB- human for Godric, but Godric thanks him, and tells him he isn’t hungry.

Eric tells him he has to eat eventually, and that he doubts the Fellowship had anything to offer. He turns serious though, and asks Godric why he wouldn’t leave when Eric first came for him. Godric tells him they didn’t treat him badly, and that he’d be surprised at how ordinary most of them are. Eric says that they do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for vampires, but Godric tells Eric to be honest; vampires are frightening, and that after thousands of years, they still haven’t evolved, only gotten more brutal, more predatory. Eric looks a little bit pained, but Godric goes on, to say that he doesn’t see the danger in treating humans as equals, and that the Fellowship of the sun arose because vampires never have. Eric asks Godric if that’s why he didn’t fight when they took him; Godric admits he could have killed all of them in minutes, and asks what that would have proven. Eric looks both a bit sad, and deep in thought, almost slightly ashamed. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs sit in front of a disgusting mess of red gross shit, and giggle to each other.

Things start taking a weird turn when they begin telling each other how invincible they feel; Eggs rips his shirt off, and says he feels like nothing can hurt him. Maryann is watching from the doorway with a glass of wine. Tara says “Oh yeah?” and tells him she fucking hates his guts, and Eggs grabs her throat, grins, and tells her she isn’t even trying. So they stand up, smile at each other, and Tara hauls off and smacks him. They all start to laugh, including Maryann, and Eggs asks for “more” so Tara punches him, –a pretty good one too, they’re either using film editing, or Rutina Wesley must work out! They continue laughing, and Eggs stands up, and asks her if that’s all she’s got, –so Tara kicks him right in the balls. Damn. Eggs sits up, and his eyes have gone completely black; he tells her it felt good, and lightly touches her face, before hitting her hard enough to make her spin round. They’re still giggling; Tara comes back for more, and tells him to do it again. This time he backhands her, and she goes flying back once more.

Tara’s eyes have gone black, and she tells Eggs she wants him, before she knocks him back on the floor, and they start fucking right there in the foyer. Egads.  Outside the nest in Dallas, something interesting is happening. A man gets out of a car, and heads toward the house. Sookie is talking with another woman present, when a brunette in a whore-red dress enters; ooooh, it’s Lorena, there to stir up the shit pot. She walks up to Sookie and introduces herself; other vampires and humans begin to stare, but Sookie politely introduces herself as well. Lorena says, “You’re what all the fuss is about,” and Sookie says “Excuse me?” Uh oh, watch about, shit is about to hit fan! Sookie asks who she is, and Lorena says they have a “mutual friend”, –Sookie guesses Bill, and you can tell, she’s starting to get pissed. Lorena tells Sookie it’s funny he never mentioned her to Sookie, since she “practically made him what he is today.” Bill spies Lorena talking to Sookie and hollers her name; Lorena answers by saying she was just getting to know his plaything. Ah shit, Sookie’s getting angry!

Sookie looks at Bill, and asks if Lorena is his maker; Bill tries to explain that Lorena released him years ago, and no longer has any hold over him. Lorena says she wouldn’t go that far, since she spent two wonderful nights with him in their hotel room. This cracks me up, –Lorena asks Sookie, “Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52-inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they’re so light and thin, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, it’s quite a weapon.” Yeah, no shit. Sookie looks at Bill and asks, “You did?” but Bill isn’t having any bullshit, and tells Lorena that she needs to leave. Lorena ignores him and tells Sookie that she hopes Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” with Sookie, as he did with her, and that there’s no excuse for domestic violence. God, what a dumb word. Hard to believe a vampire would say that word out loud. Bill states that what Lorena fails to mention is that she was holding him prisoner there. Lorena blows him off, and tells Sookie they were just catching up, and that Sookie must have been worried sick.

Lorena says things got “heated”, and goes to touch Bill’s face, but Sookie snatches her hand, and warns her not to touch Bill. Ooh, cat fight! Lorena calls Sookie feisty and giggles, then tells Sookie she’s nothing but a blood bank, and she can’t win. Sookie holds her head up and tells Lorena she’s already won; Bill chose her, and yet, Lorena won’t give up, “don’t you have any shame?” Bill sees where this is going, and tries to get Sookie to stop. Lorena tells Sookie to listen to Bill, and crosses the table to him, saying “William and I love each other, –” but Bill pushes her away, tells her she’s nuts, and to get out. Bill holds Sookie back, apparently, Sookie’s willing to punch Lorena right in the head, haha. Sookie tells Lorena that even if she does love Bill, he doesn’t love her, and they both know it. Lorena’s fangs pop out, and she tells Sookie to take what she said back, –Stan looks pretty amused, –and Sookie screams at her “Go find someone else you fucking bitch, you’ve lost this one!” Oooh, cold. Lorena knocks Bill back, –Jason comes running, but Lorena snatches Sookie, and is just about to nail her, when Godric grabs her by the throat, and removes Lorena.

Godric tells Lorena slowly and firmly to retract her fangs now, and lowers her so that she has to look up to him, as he says he doesn’t know or care who she is, “but in this area, and certainly this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand?” Lorena says, “Yes, sheriff,” and looks afraid that he might rip her head clean off. Godric releases her throat, and says “This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind, and yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us.” Lorena, on the verge of tears, and angry, tells Godric that Sookie provoked her. Godric tells her “You provoked me. You disrupt the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig… and I haven’t. Why is that?” Lorena answers that it’s his choice. Godric says, “Indeed it is. You’re an old vampire, I can tell. You’ve had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven’t. You’re still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists.” Godric calls for Bill, since he knows Lorena, and Bill sounds guilty when he admits he does.

Godric orders Bill to escort Lorena from the nest. Sookie tells Bill to go ahead, and Godric turns back to Lorena. He tells her to be out of his area before dawn, and Lorena walks off, Bill following her. Outside, Lorena tells Bill she doesn’t know how it got this way, that she can’t help still loving him, that he knows she does, and now, her loving him has become nothing but a constant humiliation. Bill tells her that the pain she suffers is self-inflicted, and Lorena asks when they will see each other again. Bill tells her never, as blood tears run down her face, and she says that they are immortal; their paths are bound to cross eventually. Bill just stares at her. Inside the nest, everyone chats, even Jason, when the mysterious stranger comes down the stairs and enters the main living area. Holy shit, it’s Luke! Why’s he there? Jason recognizes him and goes up to him to ask why he’s there, but Luke tells him to stay away, and go. Suddenly Luke calls out to everyone, and asks for their attention; he tells them his name is Luke McDonald, that he’s a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. Vampires start to get up and move closer, when Luke says he has a message for all of them from Steve Newlin; Luke unzips his coast and reveals silver bullets, silver chains, all hanging over explosive strapped to his body.

The lights on the bomb flash red and green, and Sookie gasps, but before she can move any further than a step, Luke pushes the button on the detonator in his hand. And that’s where they leave us! OMG, how unfair! Don’t worry, in a couple of days, I’ll tell you what happens. <3

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Cue the intro music! Jace Everett is getting us in the mood for what’s to come, with Bad Things, –and this episode is going to chock full of awesomeness after all the cliffs they left us dangling off of in the last episode. Andy tries shouting and telling the naked townspeople all to freeze, but they ignore him and wander off. Andy spies his cousin, Terry Bellefleur, with Arlene, and without pants on. Andy tries to turn him around, but Terry grabs his hand, twists, and punches his wrists. Arlene claps, cackles, and bounces up and down while Terry screams something like a battle cry. Andy lays there, miserable and in pain, hollering like a stuck pig, while the two lunatics frolic off. In the Fellowship of the Sun’s basement, Sookie calls out to Godric, if he’s there, to let them know that she and Hugo were sent by Isabelle and Eric, to save him. Hugo starts getting all sissified, because he really is claustrophobic, –or maybe just worried about getting caught. Sookie ignores his rant and looks at the neat little board games down there, such as “Send Them Back to Hell” and “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator”, –I wonder if the game is based on the movie! Hugo starts freaking out more, and Sookie tries to calm him down.

Hugo suggests, once he’s done with his pussified panic attack, that maybe Stan is trying to bump off Godric and be the new sheriff, since the Fellowship idiots knew exactly who they were the minute they walked in. Sookie doesn’t think Stan would do something that crazy, but Hugo disagrees, –Sookie gets sidetracked, worrying that Bill will come crashing through the church any second, since she knows he sensed her fear. Hugo asks why she’s worried, and Sookie tells him, that they’re about to kill an ancient vampire, and who knows what else they’re capable of. At the hotel, Lorena is fighting to keep Bill in the room; all the ex’s will know this fight when they see it. In the human world this is the “how long can I keep him here before he calls the cops?” fight, but I guess with vampires police aren’t an issue, so it could go on forever. Bill reaches behind Lorena and tries to open the door, but she throws him down and pins him to the floor with a high heel firmly planted over his heart, –and you know, she’s talking all kinds of shit. Bill throws her up off him, and she falls on the floor while he runs for the door, –she gets there first though. Instead of renewing the game, Bill asks why she’s there, and she answers that she’s missed him.

Yeah, bucket loads, it looks like.  Flashback! It’s Los Angeles in 1935, and Bill is reading books, –oh no! Not books! Lorena returns from a music, bitching about how cheerful they are, –duh, –and she’s brought him home a present, one of the chorus girls, and blonde as well. The drawn on pencil thin eyebrows are making my stomach turn. Now both women are wearing them! Lorena introduces Francis the chorus girl, to Alfred, the rich tormented vampire who is actually Bill. Francis starts dancing the music on Bill’s little record player, and it’s cute but absolutely not sexy. Bill crankily turns the player off, and Lorena excuses him, because he’s “in one of his moods.” Probably guilty for killing all those people and wallerin’ around in their blood, but, nothing serious. Lorena starts to glamour Francis for him, but Bill stops her and tells her he meant what he said, “No more!” –oh, looks like Bill has given up his wild lifestyle! Lorena tries to seduce Bill with food, and while, usually it works, when it’s a person that’s the food, maybe there are hidden angles. Bill almost gives in, but tells Francis to leave before he bites her.

Lorena calls him a wet blanket, and she wonders why she bothers; Bill retorts the same, “Why do you?” and instead of answering, she suggests they move back to the south, which might pulled him out of being depressed. Bill tells her he isn’t depressed, he’s seeing clearly for the first time in years, and that he can’t stand the sight of her. Odd, –it’s only been nine years since he was butchering people cheerfully with her. Most serial killers take longer to experience a change of heart. Lorena is hurt, as much as a cold bitch like her can be, and tries to keep Bill from leaving, –he gives her the long speech about how he doesn’t want to kill innocent people anymore, and so on. But Lorena tries to tell him he’ll outgrow his conscience, and they’ll get through it, “together.” Bill grabs her and tells her he’ll never be what she wants him to be, and walks off. She grabs a lamp and throws it at him, but he catches it. Back to the future; Bill tells Lorena from the sofa that if Sookie is hurt, he’ll hunt her down and stake her. Lorena says in awe, “It’s true, you’re in love with a human,” –awww, someone’s feelings are hurt. Lorena tries to laugh it off, but we know she’s really just a big sissy.

On the hill above the Fellowship of the Sun church, Eric stands looking down with Isabelle, and states, “You’ve got to be joking me,” –he thinks their army is pathetic, but Isabelle tells him not to underestimate them, since they’re all nuts and gaining support, –and willing to die. Eric says that can be easily arranged, but Isabelle doesn’t wan to attack them until they know if Godric is there. Eric brings up Hugo and Sookie being inside too long, but Isabelle says there’s no sign of alarm, and she’d know if Hugo was in danger. Hmm, now why isn’t she feeling Hugo’s alarm bells going off? Taken hostage, trapped in a basement with a vampire? Sookie’s bells are ringing, and Bill has an excuse from gym class, –he’s fighting an angry ex this evening. But Hugo doesn’t have an excuse. Uh oh. Eric asks Isabelle why she finds human companionship fulfilling, and she tells him because humans feel more, maybe because their lives are temporary. Eric remarks that they don’t “keep well”, –ew, –and asks whether she finds the prospect of him growing old, and icky repulsive. Isabelle says no, she finds it curious, like a science project; oh, isn’t she sweet?

Isabelle asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric grumbles and says he isn’t interested in Sookie or how Bill feels, and that his only interest is finding Godric. Isabelle, all sly, just says, “of course,” but Eric tells her not to look at him like that, and changes the subject back to Godric’s inexplicable capture by the lunatics from the Fellowship of the Sun. Stan thinks it’s possible, Isabelle says, but she thinks it’s hard to believe that anything could overpower him. Eric agrees, not anything human. In the church’s balcony, Jason and Sarah are cuddled up, and Sarah is bawling again. When Jason asks why, she tells him because she’s happy, because now she knows she loves Jason, and he looks at her, finally, like she’s lost her mind. Uh, yeah, obviously. Sarah, overjoyed, gets up and tells Jason they have to go tell Steve! Just because she broke her marriage vows, doesn’t mean she’s ready to throw all her beliefs “out th’ winda!” Jason tries to stop her, seeing as how Steve has an armory in his house, and there’s the lock-in.

Sarah Newlin doesn’t get the big picture, but she does remember that she has to do the morning ceremony, and the lock-in thing as a “responsibility to God” before she can fulfill any responsibilities to her heart. She puts her panties back on and reassures him that even though she’ll be standing beside Steve, she’ll only be thinking of Jason. She runs off and leaves Jason with the “Oh, shit,” look on his face. At the hotel, Hoyt and Jessica are in bed, making out, and sex is in the air! Hoyt confides to Jessica that he’s never “done it… with a girl, I mean,” and Jessica, eyes wide, asks “What have you done it with?” Yeah, no shit, Hoyt. What the hell? He says, “myself,” and we all take a breath of relief. Jeez. Jessica says, “Oh so you’re a virgin,” and Hoyt nods like it causes physical pain to admit it. But Jessica admits that she’s one too, and she’s not a slut just because she’s a vampire. But, if she could have gotten away with it, she could have. Hoyt says he wanted to wait to have sex, until he found a nice girl, –but oops! Took him a while, didn’t it?

Jessica says she wants to be his first, –gasp! Hoyt gets all excited and Jessica puts down the shades, and drops her robe. Oh boy. Hoyt asks “Now?” but Jessica says nah, she just has to go to bed, since it’s almost dawn, but that they can cuddle. She tells him not to freak out if she looks dead. That shouldn’t be a problem, since it’s an all-the-time kind of thing. They snuggle up and Hoyt, remains in his pants. God, that must be uncomfortable. Back at Godric’s nest, Stan speculates that Sookie and Hugo have run off and maybe joined the Fellowship, but Isabelle tells him to watch his mouth, –Stan says if she cared about him, they’d have been in there hours ago. Eric, in front of them, gets shit from Stan too, but Eric isn’t taking it. He pins Stan and asks if he’s questioning Eric’s loyalty, but goes on to accuse him of murdering Godric. Isabelle stops them from fighting, reminding Eric there’s no proof. Eric turns, and tells them he doesn’t care what they, if Godric’s gone then nothing can replace his loss. A blood tear falls as he leaves. Poor Eric.

At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are sleeping off their wild night of screwing, boozing, pseudo-possession, and nearly killing a man, on the couch. Tara wakes up, and wakes Eggs, asking what the hell they’re doing on the couch. Tara, unsettled, says she doesn’t remember anything after following a trail of clothes into the woods, and Eggs doesn’t either. Eggs thinks it might be the pot, but Tara doesn’t, –even though according to Eggs, Maryann’s weed is “some serious shit.” She probably laces it with cyanide, cowboy. Tara reminds Eggs of the weird place they went yesterday in the woods, that Eggs had been to, but couldn’t remember, –Eggs cuts her off, and tells her it had nothing to do with getting high and passing out. Tara tells him she thinks they need to sober up and lay off the weed, –yeah, because you know, once it’s interfered with work, and made your life hell, making you black out is obviously over the limit. Eggs tries to comfort Tara by telling her she isn’t her mama just because she got too stoned. No, but it does make you an irresponsible imbecile who makes excuses for her actions. A-dur.

Tara tells him that sometimes it’s like he can read her mind, but Eggs tells her he just gets her. They kiss and get all cute together. Aww, egghead and the delinquent bitchy woman. So sweet. Sam Merlotte crashes into the bar, pulling a shirt over his head, and heading back to his office, looking around in paranoia to make sure no one’s fixing to jump out and get him. Shit, I would too; the whole town has lost its damn mind. He reaches up into the fireplace, and takes out a cloth wrapped pistol, ready for anything if more shit should be poured onto the fan. Steve Newlin heads down to the basement, calling, “Mornin!” and offers Sookie and Hugo ‘refreshments’, and inquires how they slept. Sookie lets them know that they’re knee deep in shit, and that vampires are coming for them, but Steve, and the lunatic Gabe, stand there and confidently assert they’re ready for vampires, and are “surprised” none have shown up yet. Sookie warns them again that they’re about to get themselves good and dead, but Steve is sure of his cause, and there’s nothing more stubborn than a self-righteous Christian.

Sookie tells him that Jesus would be ashamed of him, but Steve laughs it off, and sits in front of Sookie and Hugo’s cage, attempting to apologize for acting nasty, claiming he isn’t the monster that the vampire loving media makes him out to be. Steve tells them that he just wants to get a couple answers, and then they’ll send them on their way. Hugo blurts out that he’s gotta get out of there, and that his name is Hugo Airs or something like that, that her name is Sookie Stackhouse, and they were sent there by the vampires of Area 9 to find their sheriff. However, Steve heard plenty when he heard the name “Sookie Stackhouse” since her brother is right upstairs. Steve makes the connection, and heads off upstairs with Gabe, while Sookie swears her brother doesn’t have anything to do with this, and asks how they know him. They ignore her, and she turns her wrath on Hugo. He starts whining about them needing to get out, and so on, but Sookie tells him flat out to shut the fuck up. Hugo starts tearing things up, and Sookie sits and sends Barry a message, asking him to find Bill Compton, and tell him where she is, and that it’s a life or death situation.

At the hotel, Bill is still awake, refusing to give in to sleep, despite Lorena torturing him. It’s become a standoff; if Lorena sleeps, Bill will take off, and she can’t “allow that”, –her nose starts to bleed, and Bill’s ear is bleeding. He tells her he isn’t suicidal, but Lorena tells him she knows what he’s capable of. Despite Bill telling her it’s foolish to do this, because they’re weakening and “the bleeds have begun”, Lorena stays awake. Bill spies the phone, but Lorena snatches it; apparently, he hadn’t thought of that before. God, duh. He pleads with Lorena, to at least be allowed to call for help, to call Eric since he’s the reason Sookie is in danger; Lorena tells him Eric is also the reason she’s there, and the phone disintegrates in her grip. Lorena tells him Eric wants Sookie, to just let him have her. Bill works himself up for a spaz attack, and we’re back to the Fellowship, where Jason is trying to leave, carrying out all his shit, when Steve Newlin rolls up behind him. Steve cuts him off in his SUV and Gabe jumps out, puts a knife to his throat, and makes him get in the car; they speed away, with Jason captive.

At the sheriff’s office, a dirty, smelly-looking Andy is trying to tell Sheriff Bud Dearborn what happened; his broken arm is in a cast, but that doesn’t stop him from waving it around as he tries to explain. Bud sighs, and looks at him like he’s insane. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are still sitting their lazy asses on the couch, watch TV, instead of cleaning up the unholy mess in Sookie’s house, or even asking Maryann and her little servant man what the hell went on last night. Maryann wanders in the house with bloody feet, still wearing last night’s dress, and dragging a dead rabbit with her. She’s cheerful enough, and says ‘Good morning,’, despite looking like she’s been killing things with her teeth, which she mostly likely has been. Tara and Eggs stare at her, and ask if she’s okay, but Maryann tells them she’s been sleeping outside, and communing with her animal spirit, then shows them her dead rabbit, “Yummy!” Tara looks like she’s about to gag, and Egg is close behind her, with a “no shit…!” Tara says “Poor bunny,” but Maryann reminds her in a maniacal tone that, feeling sorry is just an excuse not to celebrate your own happiness.

Maryann drapes herself over a chair, the bloody dead rabbit still dangling, and asks them what they did last night, since they’re all “glowy.” Tara doesn’t know, but says they “just hung out”, and asks Maryann if she threw a party, and reminds her that it’s Sookie’s house, –Maryann tells her that Sookie will be happy when she gets home, since Tara took such good care of the place. Maryann wanders off, calling for Carl, while Tara stares at her, and states, “She’s so fuckin weird.” I’m sorry, but trashing my roommate’s house, and bringing home dead shit in the morning is grounds for eviction. Then again, Tara is obviously not firing on all cylinders. In the woods somewhere around the Fellowship, Gabe has Jason with a knife to his throat, while Steve stands there looking like he’s about to cry, hollering at Jason for betraying him. Jason, has no idea that Steve is talking about his sister, and thinks this is all over him screwing Sarah. Jason says he’s “so sorry”, but Steve says he can’t believe he chose “them” over Salvation.

Jason gets confused, and asks who “them” is, but Steve tells him to just drop the act, that he knows who Jason is, and who he works for. Jason, stupefied, asks, “the road crew?” Steve tells Jason he thought he was stupid, but good at following orders, –poor Jason, that wasn’t nice, –and now he finds out that Jason is “snakier than a snake in the grass.” Steve tells him, despite Jason’s ignorance, to say a prayer, that he’s going to hell, today. Steve takes off in the SUV after telling Gab to “take care of him.” Gabe pushes Jason ahead of him, and follows, telling him to “start walking.” Oooh, Jason’s in trouble, but I dunno, –Gabe is old, and Jason’s pretty tough. At the lake, Daphne sits, playing in the water, when Sam walks up behind her, and points his gun at her head, with the hammer back. Daphne recognizes his smell, and says, “Hello, Sam.” Creepy bitch. Sam tells her he’s been looking for her, but Daphne isn’t surprised. She tells him she isn’t afraid to die, but Sam knows she’s afraid of Maryann.

Sam asks Daphne if Maryann putting those scars on her back was how she got Daphne to be her whore. Daphne states it isn’t whoring if it’s done for love, Sam mistakes her for talking about him, claiming she and Sam “had fun,” and Sam hollers at her. Sam tells her he trusted her, and asks her how she could do this to her own kind. Daphne says she used to be just like Sam, “scared, stupid, full of shame,” but Maryann saved her and gave her a whole new life. Yeah, and Sam is the stupid one. Daphne tells him that next to Maryann, he’s a flea, and Sam asks why if he so insignificant, is Maryann going through the trouble of trying to catch him. Daphne tells him, because he got away from her once already. Daphne explains that Maryann can only get inside humans, not “supes”, –supernatural creatures, –and that eve though she can force them to shift, she can’t get inside them, so they have to go to Maryann of their own free will. Daphne tells Sam that Maryann loves a challenge, but Sam tells her he’s not a challenge, he’s a person. Daphne strips, and jumps in the water, inviting Sam, but he asks her angrily, what Maryann is; Daphne says, “She’s god, dum-dum!” Hmm, an interesting hypothesis, although the theory is a little bit of a stretch, since she calls Maryann “God”, not ‘a god.’ Generally, the Christian god isn’t represented with horns and claws.

In the basement, Hugo is hollering to be let out, because he needs to pee, but when Sookie offers him a water bottle, he smacks it away. She tries taking his hand to calm him down, and when she does, she sees inside his head; scenes of Hugo “repenting” with Steve Newlin in the church, eavesdropping on Bill, Sookie, and Eric planning her infiltration of the church, and then his phone call to the church to let them know about the plan. Hugo shakes Sookie off, and she says, “you’re the traitor!” Oooh, uhm, -duh-. Back at the lake, Sam tells Daphne carefully, looking like he’s trying to repress the urge to jump in and choke her to death, that Maryann isn’t God. Daphne says cheerfully, that Maryann is as close to God as they’ll ever get, that she’s been called all kinds of things, but that she’s really a maenad. This is where the whole mythology thing takes a left turn down the path of incorrect: Daphne tells him that maenads were followers of Dionysus, the god of wine, also called “the horned god.” Ah… not really. Sam makes the connection with Satan, –also not correct, but then again, not everyone is a big Greek mythology buff.

Daphne says Satan and Dionysus are all a kind of energy, –not really correct either. She then goes on to explain that it’s lust, excess, violence, anger, “all the fun stuff,” and that Maryann controls it and brings it out in people, and that Maryann is also immortal so there’s no point in fighting her. Sam asks if he gives himself up, will Maryann go away? But Daphne says probably not, since she’s having so much fun. She tries to cozy up to him, but Sam pushes Daphne away, and walks off. In the basement, Hugo is telling Sookie about why he’s a chickenshit pussy, and how he came to betray everyone; he tells her that he used to be just like Sookie, supposedly. Then told her that she wouldn’t know, that he started missing work, being unable to leave them at dark. He tells her that he begged Isabelle to turn him,  so they could be together as equals, but he says, they don’t want their human lovers to be equal. He says Isabelle was just using him, just like Bill is using Sookie, and goes on to say what a big trophy a telepath must be for a vampire; that vampires don’t care about anything but their own kind, and that’s why he joined the Fellowship. He goes a bit too far with that one, and Sookie tells him to shut up, and asks why, if the Fellowship cares so much, is he still locked in the basement.

Sookie gets sassy then, and tells him flat out, that to the Fellowship, he is nothing but “a fang-bangin’ traitor,” and when he starts hollering for Gabe, Sookie smirks, and points out just how important Hugo is to them. At the door to the Fellowship, all the crazy vampire haters are getting together for the lock-in, and Sarah is greeting them at the door. Steve approaches and tells her he needs to talk to her in private, about Jason Stackhouse. Oh shit! Sarah Newlin falters just a little bit, and follows him inside. Gabe is driving Jason through the woods at knife-point, and Jason is trying to tell him there’s been a mistake… and this is where Gabe screws up. He moves the knife to snatch Jason up by the hair, and then talks shit about Jason’s mama, and his sister. Ooooh. Jason’s eyes get all big, and he spins around, and knocks Gabe down, telling him not to EVER talk about his sister. Gabe spits out some blood, and ding ding! round one goes to Jason Stackhouse, and to instigate round two, Gabe calls Jason a “sister-fucker.” Jason screams, and rushes Gabe, the bigger guy, and picks him up at the legs, slams him down on the ground, and the fight is on! Jason wins, of course, calls Gabe a “dickbrain”, kicks him in the nuts, and heads off to find out what the hell is going on.

Lafayette is making good on his promise to sell the blood that Pam gave him; while he does his make-up, he manages to sell half a vial. At Merlotte’s, Arlene rushes into work, while Tara and Eggs play kissy-face over the bar. Arlene asks where Sam is, but Tara tells Arlene he took the day off with “Little Miss Employee of the Month”, –ooh, friction. Arlene is overjoyed, and whisks Tara off to the ladies’ room to talk to her. Lafayette is in there, still doing his makeup, and Arlene asks why he’s in there, if it says Ladies on the door, –Lafayette, with his sassy ass, asks why them “skank hos” are in there. Arlene gapes, and Tara calls him a bitch. As Lafayette leaves, Tara asks how his leg is, and when he says “great”, Tara narrows her eyes, and promises him they’ll talk about that later. Lafayette leaves, and Tara closes the door. Arlene, freaking out, tells Tara she’s afraid she did “somethin reeeeal bad.” She explains that she and Terry are dating, but that she couldn’t get him to do anything with her, despite all her seductive methods, and Tara tells her to get to the point. Arlene tells Tara that last night, she tried getting a few drinks into Terry to loosen him up, and that everything was going good, until she blacked out.

Arlene says she thinks she might have ‘had her way’ with Terry, and Tara gapes, asking if she thinks she date raped Terry Bellefleur. Arlene admits that there were “telltale signs” that they did something, –gross, but that she can’t remember a thing. At the bar, Lafayette pours himself a drink, looks Eggs up and down, and says, “Damn,” and reflects on how unfair it is that now that he’s trying to stay out of trouble, it keeps walking in his door. Eggs tries to introduce himself, and shake hands, but Lafayette just stares at him, and remarks that nothing good can come out of something that pretty. Lafayette asks, “Tara’s Eggs?” as Tara approaches, remarking that it really doesn’t sound right, since his name is Benedict, why not have people call him Ben. Lafayette suggests “Dicked,” and Tara snaps, “behave.” Lafayette says, “Satan in a Sunday hat,” which, as you’ll recall, is a family saying when something is too good to be true; Lafayette continues, “Satan in a beautiful ma’fuckin’ Sunday hat.”

Before they can get into it, Andy, lookin’ all kinds of fucked up, slams into the bar hollering for Terry, and threatening to kick his ass. Tara asks him what happened to his arm, and Terry starts a little, and tells her he won’t talk to her, that she is a devil worshipper, and that he saw her last night, her and everyone else. He continues hollering for Terry, but Arlene tells him that Terry ain’t there; when she offers to call him, Andy hollers “Fuck you, zombie woman!” Good god, poor Andy. Sam approaches, just as freaked out as Andy, and this time, for once, is sympathizing with the fat drunk guy. Eggs calls ‘hey’ to Sam, and Arlene tells him he looks like he saw a ghost, while Tara looks at him concerned. Poor Sam is inches away from boozing it up with Andy. At the hotel Carmilla, Hoyt decorates the room with rose petals, candles and soft music plays as Jessica slowly starts to wake up to find a rose on the pillow beside her. Aww, what a sweety. He shows her the candles he got at the gift store downstairs, that are supposed to be “blood scented”, but he says they smell like soup. Huh, that sounds both interesting and gross.

Hoyt asks Jessica if she likes them, and Jessica tells him the room is perfect; he sighs in relief and admits that’s what he was going for, since she’s perfect, and he wants her first time to be perfect, and –God almighty, finally, Jessica interrupts him before he can start jabbering like a nut, and tells him to just take off his pants. He grins, sheds his pants, and hops on the bed with Jessica. In the woods somewhere near the Light of Day Institute, Jason Stackhouse is running down the dirt road at night with Gabe’s knife, when a car approaches behind him; it’s Sarah, driving like a bat out of hell in the go-cart/golf cart thingy. She gets out of the car, and Jason tries to explain Steve and Gabe have lost it, when she shoots him! OMG! Noooo! Not Jason. I was just about to fall out of my chair. That damn Barbie bimbo bitch shot him! Daphne meanwhile, is standing on the dock at the lake where she and swam had their first swim, when Maryann approaches behind her. Daphne tells Maryann she missed her, and Maryann says, “Thank you for your service.” Hmm, not exactly words of love, but –oh shit! A zombified Eggs steps up, and stabs Daphne right in the chest. Maryann grins while Daphne dies.

In the basement, Gabe comes down the stairs to the cage, looking pretty mean, and beat up. Hugo begs to be let out, but Gabe, as predicted, punches him in the face, and calls him nasty names, while he continues beating him up. Even though Hugo betrayed her, Sookie jumps on Gabe’s back, and hollers for him to stop. Gabe slams her into the shelf, and begins choking her, when he threatens to ’show her what she’s been missing’, Sookie screams, and Bill’s eyes widen where he is, sitting without sleep, with Lorena, still at the hotel. Bill starts looking around; he grabs a wooden table, and throws it at the evil bitch, before, but Lorena grabs a piece of the table or chair or whatever, and is at the door at the same moment, with the wooden leg aimed at his back. She threatens to end him if he opens the door, and they flash back to their last fight, when Bill left her in LA, in 1935. Bill begs her to let him leaves, because he doesn’t love her, the guilt over killing for her, is too much to bear, and when he tells her she’s the one afraid of being alone, she throws him down, smashing a wooden table. Bill picks up a piece, and threatens to kill himself if she doesn’t let him leave.

Lorena begins to cry, and tells Bill she can’t live without him; before Bill can kill himself, she stops him, and says, “As your maker, I release you,” while blood tears run down her face. Aww, poor baby. Sad, despite her being a psychotic murderess. At the door where Lorena has Bill pinned, back in the present, he asks what she has to gain, since she’s already released him. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, and that one day, he’ll see Lorena keeping him from her as an act of love. A knock at the door, but Lorena covers Bill’s mouth. Lorena answers and it’s Barry the Bellboy! He tells Lorena that Sookie is being held in the basement with Godric at the Fellowship of the Sun; and while Bill is still pinned by Lorena, Eric overhears from the room across the hall, and is out of his door and gone before Barry even sees anything. Lorena snatches him inside, just as Barry is telling Sookie telepathically that this is the last time he does her and her vampire friends any favors. In the basement of the Fellowship, Gabe is trying to rape Sookie as she struggles to get away, screaming and kicking. Suddenly, Gabe is up in the air;Godric holds him up, dangling him off the floor as though he weighs as much as a towel. He looks a lot different in fluorescent lighting, –but still pretty. That’s where they leave us!

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“Jesus Christ!” Sam repeats the expletive, a couple times, and gosh it’s a good thing everybody has lost their frigging minds, or someone might be offended. Sam waves Daphne’s boots around in shock, jibbering, and pointing. Before Sam and Daphne can get to any full fledged making out, a giggling Arlene and flushed Terry come stumbling up behind them. Terry grins and greets Sam, Arlene gives a snippy greeting to Daphne, before Terry whisks Arlene off to go fool around in the woods. Daphne, naked, kisses Sam on the cheek and runs off, leaving him to bid an awkward farewell to Terry and Arlene. Back at the Hotel Carmilla, as you’ll recall, Sookie is chasing down her newfound friend, the hesitant telepathic, Barry the Bellboy. He’s not interested in knowing Sookie at all, and Sookie is just so excited, she probably wants to hug him and shower him in Hallmark cards and flowers.

A glamoured human stumbles into them, and Sookie grumbles back at him, –Barry warns her not to do that, but she shrugs him off, pointing out that the recently fed on human’s mind is “full of fog and disco music.” Sookie tries in vain to bring Barry around, and asks him telepathically, if he’d ever heard vampire thoughts. Barry gets pale, turns around, and comes back to tell her never to say anything like that, and warns her about the lunatic vampires in Dallas. He stalks off, and Sookie does likewise. In their room, Bill is chastizing Jessica for feeding on a human; her defense is that she ordered him off the menu. Bill sends her to her room when Sookie enters, and of course, Bill is irate that Sookie left the room. Jessica stalks off and slams the door, no doubt planning to order all kinds of raunchy porno off the hotel’s pay-per-view channel, and Bill sets in to warn Sookie about the big bad Dallas vampires. Sookie’s argument is “I’m yours,” and she informs Bill while taking his clothes off; she’s rarin’ and ready to go, but Bill is intent on being the adult. He asks her to just do what she’s told, for her own sake, and Sookie tells him she knows, and basically, will behave.

Sookie isn’t dissuaded from her mood to get all mushy, and reminds Bill that since they’re in a light-tight vampire hotel, he won’t have to leave her in bed alone. Bill tells Sookie his only desire is to keep her safe, and she reaches down to check on his “only desire”, and discovers his statement false. Oh my. The two get all cute and mushy, and poor Jessica, cursed with excellent hearing, tries to smother the grossness by calling Hoyt, who answers the phone by stating, “You’re talkin’ to the man.” Nice. When he realizes it’s Jessica, his big, dumb, and macho act falls through, and he turns back into the sweet little puppy we know and love. Hoyt tells her that he can’t stop thinking about her, and they have a giggly little young love moment, -or would have had, if Hoyt obnoxious mother Maxine Fortenberry hadn’t barged in with her hair in curlers, hissing at him about the late night phone call. Maxine must have vampire hearing, because his cell phone ring tone was not that loud.

Hoyt chases his idiotic mother off, and hunkers down on the phone once more, and Jessica tells him she can’t stop thinking about him either. Jessica tells him she’s bored over there, and Hoyt suggests they watch TV long distance, or he could tell her about his comic book. Jessica agrees to do both, and the two cuties curl up. I hate to be a party-pooper here, but Jessica doesn’t have a cell phone charger to go with the phone she snagged from Leon… that’s going to suck major! At the house full of Bible bangers, Jason is sleeping like a cute little cult member kitten, when some crazed man with an air horn barges in to wake him up, and throw sweats at him. Jason is herded downstairs, stumbling into his sweats and being called names. On the lawn, the rest of the Vampire Slaying 101 class has assembled, while Sarah Newlin and our new friend, the wannabe drill sergeant observe. It’s the ass crack of dawn and she’s wearing blinding pastel yellow sweats, and carrying a clip board, and explaining that God needs their obedience and bla “>bla “>bla “>bla bla bla.

When Jason asks for a bathroom, Sarah Newlin tells him “…not until you’ve earned it,” and Jason is not amused. The weird Bible thumper drill sergeant commands “Drop and gimme 30!” and shoves him down. Sadly, Jason doesn’t bash him. When the Luke-inator laughs, he’s ordered to “Drop and gimme 50!” Haha, neener; Jason and Luke get competitive with their push-ups, and Jason puts one hand behind his back. Oooh, sexy. At Sookie’s house, Tara wakes up beside Eggs, and leans over him to listen to his heart. Yeah, good idea. I’m surprized either of them are alive after all the booze and pot they’ve been sucking down. Eggs is in fact, alive, so Tara leans over to look at Sookie’s birthday present to her; the picture of Gran, with Sookie and Tara as little girls. The creepy one. Any chance of them having sex that morning is obliterated. Oh well. How many people think of their best friend’s grandma when they’re laying in bed with a naked man? Don’t everybody jump up at once.

Eggs sits up beside her, when he notices she’s awake, and mumbles morning-talk to her. You know, the noises you make when you wake up that aren’t quite actual speech? Tara shows Eggs the photo, and tells him what a good person Gran was. Eggs asks what she’d think of him, and Tara tells him that Gran would like him, since she could appreciate a handsome man. Honey, I doubt Gran would be very keen on you screwing him in her house. They talk some more about cutesy romantic things, and Eggs promises her that her first good birthday was only the first of many. Back at Hotel Matte Painting, or uh, -cough- the Hotel Carmilla, Sookie wakes up in the dark beside a sleeping Bill, –it’s still daylight out. Sookie goes downstairs to get breakfast and discovers the true meaning of “Continental Breakfast.” Ah, we all remember the day when we discovered our first selection of miniature cereals, Luke-warm milk, toxic orange juice, barely thawed Danish, and soggy toast in a hotel lobby. Sookie doesn’t falter though, she chooses the Danish, –excellent choice, –before pouncing on Barry once more.

Barry isn’t having it, and asks her why she won’t leave him alone, not all that surprised when she doesn’t pick up the “rhetorical question” hint. She tells him, it’s because she’s never met another telepath, and asks him if he has. Barry tells her no, and not to say the word “telepath”, but Sookie argues. I realize, Barry will eventually be important, but God, Sookie is sure being annoying right now. When Sookie tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Barry argues, telling her it’s impossible for him to think or feel normal unless he’s around vampires. Sookie can sympathize, and does, forcefully. A woman thinking loudly about what a, –yes, a very dirty pun is intended, –pain in the ass a Brazilian wax is, interrupts Sookie and Barry’s discussion. Sookie loudly infiltrates his mind, trying to get him to concentrate in order to shut out the obnoxious woman with several bite marks all over her. He tells the woman looking to be hired as a professional food source to fill out an application, despite their being already fully staffed.

Sookie tries to reassure him that he can control it, but he doesn’t believe her, and isn’t interested, even when she offers to teach him how; he walks off with the woman in the hideous dress and leaves Sookie to steal some bananas. Sookie tries to quietly climb back in bed with Bill, but he wakes up, and she’s busted. She explains to Bill that she met another telepath, even though he’s not nice, or “good at it.” Bill disapproves and warms up for a long, over-protective rant, and Sookie prepares her equally naive defense. The end result is Sookie’s victory, –of course, the woman always wins, or the world falls apart. Bill admits that he feels like a human, and worse yet, like a waitress. Someone from Costumes please, get Bill a pair of those fabulous skimpy booty shorts! Bill, beaten, changes the subject to Eric’s intensity about the mission to find Godric, and Bill tells Sookie he doesn’t trust it. Sookie reassures Bill that they can just do the job, and go home, but Bill thinks Eric might screw them over. Sookie counters that Eric won’t wanna make her mad, because he needs her.

Bill obviously doesn’t like that, but can’t argue, except to say “I can’t lose you.” Sookie tells him he won’t and the two snuggle up. Awww. At Merlotte’s Daphne and Arlene are getting snippy with each other; apparently, Daphne didn’t do her closing prep, but Arlene did. So while Arlene breaks before her shift, Daphne whines for help. Terry shows up to help stock the bar, and is a little awkward and tight lipped with Arlene, who doesn’t get it. Daphne spots him and calls on Terry for help, but Arlene tells him not to, –back and forth, Daphne wants help, Arlene says no, and finally Terry wanders off mumbling. Arlene goes after him, snapping at Daphne as she runs off to comfort Terry. Sam walks in for a quiet word with Daphne about last night; her running off, and leaving him stranded, –and of course he wants to know when they can hook up. She tells him that she just needed a run, and “soon”. Arlene listens in disapprovingly, but before she can put her two cents in, Lafayette walks through the door, quiet and subdued. Arlene rushes up to give him a hug, and Terry is overjoyed. Lafayette asks to talk to Sam and the two head back to Sam’s office.

Sam starts in reaming Lafayette, telling him that they didn’t know what happened to him, whether he was alive or dead, and so on. Lafayette says “Sorry,” but with none of his usual sass and quip. Sam asks what he wanted to talk about, and Lafayette simply asks for his job back. Sam goes on another mini-tirade, telling him that the stress of running the kitchen almost put Terry back in a VA hospital, but winds down quickly and tells Lafayette he can have his job back. Before Lafayette leaves, Sam, instead of asking “where have you been?”, asks “what happened to you?” The scene almost makes me cry, –Lafayette’s character has altered that much. Lafayette leaves without answering. Poor baby. Back at the Bible Banger Camp, the crazy drill instructor and Sarah Newlin are riding in a golf cart. The instructor shouts at the jogging “trainees”; one middle aged guy drops, and Jason stops to help him, but Luke-inator antagonizes him, and speeds off. Jason eventually gives up on the guy just wants to go back to being a bank teller, and jogs off to catch up with the group.

At Sookie’s house, Maryann is in the kitchen making her huge breakfast, when Tara comes downstairs, wondering what the hell she’s still there for. And Maryann has big news! She needs a place to stay! Ha, naturally. Tara tells her basically, that she needs to GTFO, because Tara is a guest in the house herself, and can’t just fill up Sookie’s house with people she doesn’t know. Damn right! Apparently, Maryann’s house belonged to a “client”, and he’s moving back in. Uh huh. She’s a scandalous ho, and you’ve got to keep an eye on her. Maryann sniffles and leaves, –manipulative psycho. Tara head to the other room to see if Eggs knew what was going on, and sadly, the string bean dingbat is like, “Oh cool, hur hur,” and Tara tells him flat out, that they can’t all stay there. Eggs doesn’t care, and flippantly tells her they’ll just go somewhere else. Tara asks if they’re nomads or something, but Eggs says it doesn’t matter as long as you’re with people you love.

Tara corrects him, setting him straight, that other things do matter, like the truth, and she demands to know what his thing with Maryann is. Eggs lays on a heavy guilt trip, and leaves her sitting there. Poor idiot is brainwashed, Carl is a zombie, and Maryann runs around naked stalking blondes with nasty poisonous claws. Yeah, Tara, that’s family. You’re the bad one, now climb in your pod so we can suck your brains out. Speaking of the brainless, the Soldiers of the Sun or whatever they call themselves, are stopped at a fence. Each of the trainees has to climb over, and after one guy flops over it and bites the dust on the other side, it’s Luke’s turn. Luke can’t make it, so the nutty instructor start hollering and harassing him. Jason’s up next, and in his infinite sweetness, instead of leaving Luke behind, he helps him over the fence. Awww. Sarah Newlin is beyond enthusiastic, and it’s impossible not to notice her huge figurative woody for Jason. In Dallas, Bill, Sookie, and Eric are meeting with the vampires of Godric’s area, that seem to be barely functioning without him.

Isabelle, with a hint of Spanish accent, is the one who hired Sookie, and Stan is against it. Eric paces, only interested in what’s being done to find Godric. Stan wants to obliterate the Fellowship of the Sun, Isabelle, however, with both Bill and Sookie, agree that it would be disastrous, and the King of Texas would be most displeased. Stan doesn’t care, and Isabelle warns him not to make a power play just because of Godric’s disappearance. Eric, getting more pissed off by the second, hollers at them, for being “incompetent”, wondering aloud why Godric surrounds himself with clowns. Isabelle gets in his shit, and tells him he was invited out of courtesy, stand, much more direct, tells him to run along in an absolutely delicious Texan accent. They bicker, and Stan claims he has a plan, –that is, to raid the Fellowship of the Sun’s headquarters and start a “war.” Eric calls them idiots, and turns away, disgusted. At the Newlin mansion, Steve and Sarah are arguing about “stuff”, –apparently, the big bald drill instructor wannabe is Gabe, and he always knows more than Sarah, even though she and Steve are “supposed to be partners.” Aww, poor blondie. Steve tells her he doesn’t have time for this, and walks off to talk to Gabe.

Steve hands Gabe a folder, while Sarah protests that he doesn’t listen to her, and is taking things “too darn far.” Steve tells Gabe there is “very important information” in the folder, and Gabe takes off. Before Sarah and Steve can renew their debate, Jason comes down the stairs, greeted happily by Mrs. Newlin. Sarah tells Steve how great Jason was that day, and Steve tells him he’s rising to the next level. Jason, clueless, asks what that is; we’re all wondering what the limits of this madness could possibly be too. Steve leads Jason away to show him something, and when Sarah tries to tag along, Steve blows her off. Steve complains to Jason that sometimes he understands people who believe in divorce. Shiiit, yeah, because having your own brainless blonde slave must get awful boring! Steve shows Jason into the ‘Research and Development’ facilities; a big room containing several fully automatic military assault style weapons, designed-with-vampires-in-mind ammo, a flamethrower, plenty of wooden arrows, and more!

Jason wanders the room in awe, while Steve Newlin shows him around, from silver throwing stars, to a frigging rocket launcher. Jason, practically a walking Ode to the Easily Impressed, looks like a kid in a candy store. Over at Merlotte’s, Carl and Maryann park outside so that Maryann can do her impression of a human vibrator; what goes on inside is the real show. Everyone melts down, snapping and getting pissed off at each other, and then redirect all their nastiness to Tara, who eventually tells them all to fuck off. Satisfied, Maryann and her manslave, Carl, drive off. At the Newlin mansion, Jason is taking a bath, in an enormous bathroom while angels float around in a huge domed ceiling, giving one the creepy impression that they’re er…. staring. Gross. Sarah Newlin walks in, behind him, and closes the door; Jason, who doesn’t know she’s there, says to get on, ‘bathtub’s occupied’. Mrs. Newlin, the dirty little blonde dinghead, has finally broken down. She says, “I know,” and Jason I’d say, now definitely knows it’s her.

Jason turns around and snatches a towel, then offers to leave if he stayed too long in the bathroom. Maryann locks the door behind her, and offers to help him. Oh boy. Jason looks shocked, and a million thoughts are probably trying to go through his head, except only one can fit at a time. And since they’re Jason’s thoughts, they’re probably beating each other up to get in. Sarah strolls over, and takes his towel, before sitting on her knees, rolling up one sleeve, and using a –of course, –yellow loofah, to wash Jason. He looks both torn, and thrilled; when have we known Jason to be afraid of willing pussy? He must have found Jesus after all! Sarah tells Jason about Mary Magdalene washing the feet of Jesus, –an interesting choice of icebreakers for cheating on your husband with his new friend. Somehow I doubt Mary Magdalene ever talked Jesus into getting a handjob in the bathtub, but Jason is easily convinced when she tells him that God wants him to have a reward. And with her hand around your tool, could you say no?

At Godric’s nest in Dallas, Stan and Isabelle are still arguing; Stan is for a war on the Fellowship of the Sun, and Isabelle is arguing against it, neither bringing up Godric, –Eric does though, angry and breaking things. Bill states that there is a traitor in their midst, but the two Dallas vampires don’t believe him. Finally, Sookie speaks up with her plan to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun, and check out their thoughts while she’s there. Bill isn’t for it at all, since in the daytime no one can help her, but Eric wants to hear her out, –mostly because it benefits him. She insists she can do it, and Stan walks off, claiming he wants no part, especially since they could easily kill all of them. Isabelle reluctantly agrees to Sookie’s plan, and Eric determines the decision final. Bill, looking none too pleased, asks Eric to step out with him for a private chat, leaving Sookie there, looking slightly awkward. Isabelle approaches her, and asks how her relationship with Bill is going. Eric and Bill, in another part of the house, pause for a few words. Bill brings up Sookie’s latest near death experience, and states that Eric knew she’d end up in danger again, and demands to know why he’s taking all this trouble for Godric.

Eric looks pained, which is sweet and sad on him; he flashes back. Three warrior types are trudging along in the mud, Viking style Norse men, or “Northmen”. Eric, the “Northman”, is wounded from battle and being half dragged, half carried through the woods. They all fall, and Eric tells them to leave him, because he’s finished. But the two loyal soldiers tell him no, because he saved their lives a hundred times, they would rather wait with him and be at his side when he dies. They describe the reception waiting for him in Valhalla, “meat, beer, gold, and women!” Eric tells them wherever he goes, there will always be women. Aww, even a thousand years ago, Eric was a ladies man. Eric smiles, though dying, and allows them to carry him once more, barely on his feet. On a high deathbed, Eric lays ready to die. One of his men approaches, and tells him not to be afraid, but Eric says he’s not afraid, he’s “pissed off”. Yes because, they had that expletive a thousand years ago… hmm, I doubt it. Suddenly, something rushes out of the woods, and before the men have time to so much as raise their weapons, their throats are ripped open, and a beautiful boy with tribal tattoos perches beside Eric, blood running down his face.

Hey, don’t let me get carried away describing Godric, but he is damn gorgeous. Eric asks if he is Death, the boy tells him yes, and Eric says, “But you’re just a little boy.” Godric says, “I’m not.” Eric, near death, whispers, “My men…” and Godric says shortly, “Dead.” Eric calls him swine, but undeterred, Godric begins telling him that he saw him fighting on the battlefield, and that he’d never seen anyone fight like Eric. Eric tells him he’d fight him now if he could; Godric laughs quietly, and says he knows, “it’s beautiful.” Though the scene is poignant, Eric wants to get it over with and die, so he asks Godric what he’s waiting for, to kill him. Godric instead asks if he could be a companion of Death, walk through the world with him, through the dark, with Godric as his father, brother, and son, –Eric asks what’s in it for him, and Godric tells him, life, –the thing Eric loves most. Eric repeats, “Life,” and Godric begins to drain him, in order to begin the process of turning him.

Fast-forward, and Eric, looking miserable, tells Bill quietly, “Godric is my maker.” Aww, poor baby. At Merlotte’s, Daphne is help close up with Sam, and apparently, the two are alone, since they start rubbing up against each other near one of the pool tables. Daphne remarks about how “hot” Sam is, –trust me, woman, we know, –and Sam explains that he does too, instead of being at the normal 98.6, he always runs around 100, or 101. Daphne tells him she does too, that it’s a “shifter thing”. She tells him that she’s surprised he never met another shifter, and Sam reveals hat he has run into werewolves. Daphne rolls her eyes; I guess werewolves are icky and gross?  Daphne asks, curious, what it feels like for him to change, and he tells her that it’s like sparks running all over his skin, that it used to scare him. Daphne says it was the same for her, now it just feels awesome though. Sam goes on to subtly compare it to an orgasm, and that gets them going. Personally, I wouldn’t ever do anything on a pool table, rednecks touch the same felt lining all day. Yuck. After a raunchy joke about billiard equipment, Sam displays an obvious lack of consideration for the hygienic concerns, and mounts Daphne right there on the pool table. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And I don’t trust Daphne, she sucks at being a waitress too much to be normal.

At the hotel, Bill and Sookie are headed to their room, when Sookie tells him she needs to ask about “human stuff”, –Bill waits for her at the elevator, and Sookie goes to the front desk to ask about Barry the Bellboy. The receptionist informs her that Barry quit that day, and Sookie is shocked, but thanks the woman, who probably thinks Sookie is either getting it on with him, or deranged. She walks off to join Bill. At Sookie’s house, something really sick and twisted and gross is going on. Maryann is sitting at Gran’s table, reading some book with “HeartSick” on the cover, –probably about surgical cardiology, and she’s only reading it for a) its value as a cookbook, or b) the pictures. Maryann is also wearing what looks like, one of Gran’s dresses. I am thoroughly disturbed and grossed out. Tara approaches this alarming scene, and good god, get ready for plenty of backpedaling, manipulation, and brainfucking. Maryann looks old without make-up, or has make-up on to make her look old, and has her hair is a loose bun.

It’s enough to make you puke in your soup. Really. The Gran-pretender, asks Sookie how her day was (what big eyes you have, Grandma!), and Tara tells her it was really rough. Maryann says they looked at houses all day, but didn’t find anything, and promises anyway that they be out by morning (what a big mouth you have, Grandma!), and that she made all Tara’s favor foods, then stocked them in the fridge with her dinner. Tara finally melts, and tells Maryann she can stay, because she’s so good to her; ugh, god. Lifestyles of the broke and spineless. Maryann tells Tara she’s good to her because she needs it so much, and it makes her bloom like a flower. And Tara buys it, how sad. Upstairs, Eggs is sprawled out reading in her bed, when Tara comes in to join him. Aww, so cute. In Dallas, Bill and Sookie are discussing the vampires in Area 9 that they met at Godric’s nest, or “lair” as Bill calls it. He calls them all kinds of nasty things, and Sookie reassures him that he’s different, and better. Um, how were Stan and Isabelle even that bad? From what I saw, they were just stupid, and inconsiderate, and impetuous. You know, like everybody else.

Sookie tells Bill he’s different because he’s able to love, and has a heart. He asks Sookie to just slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie reminds him that Stan is insane, and she did give her word to Eric. Bill looks all defeated, and starts up on one of his threats that if anything happens to Sookie, he’ll –but Sookie cuts him off, and good thing too, since he really abuses that line. She promises to be in and out, and Bill totally changes the subject by letting her know that since it’s been a long night …they don’t have to …er… Because he’d be satisfied to just hold her. Sookie tells Bill she would not be satisfied, so that means get off your ass, and get to it, man! While they get to it, the Original Homewrecker prowls the hotel hallway; Bill’s maker, the nasty woman with the dead bodies stacked up in her house. Oooh, and the nasty bitch is -listening- to them do it? That’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

Strangers And Comrades

Helen Magazine October/November 2007 Lafayette Indiana Magazine, LaDonna Vohar, Vicky and Bill Bollock, Marsha Provo, Charlie and Judy Reynolds

Bulletin Rene Crevel

Club Dead: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)Sookie's boyfriend has been very distant-in another state, distant. Now she's off to Mississippi to mingle with the underworld at Club Dead-a little h... Read More >

Sookie Stackhouse 8-copy Boxed Set (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)Cocktail waitress Sookie Stackhouse is no typical Southern belle. She can read minds. And she's got a thing for vampires. Which, in a town like Bon Te... Read More >

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3. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9

Jason busted his lip on the way down, and when he stands, Luke notices and asks how it is; Jason in turn asks, “How’s your nose?” Well, large, irritating and, –oh shit, Jason just punched Luke right in the face! Don’t be fooled boys, Jason might be the teacher’s pet, but he has a mean right hook! While on his way to his bed, Jason makes sure everybody knows, –that there’s a war going on, and you’re on one side or the other! Oh noez! Seems that Jason has finally been brainwashed. The intro theme rolls on, and we’re all wondering how in the hell Jason’s meager few brain cells can possibly recover from this. After Jace Everett’s ‘Bad Things, we’re  treated to a half naked Hoyt, trying to pull himself together under the scrutinizing gaze of Vampire Bill. Bill Compton makes for a very angry daddy type figure, –Sookie’s playing referee, Jessica’s on defense, Bill is offense, and Hoyt, –well, shit, he’s the ball. Bill can sure as hell toss him too, and he makes sure Hoyt knows it.

Before Bill can throw Hoyt “through a window that is closed!”, Sookie settles him. Hoyt tells Bill he wasn’t going to do anything, but Bill tells him that it wasn’t Jessica he was trying to protect. Jessica tears up at that, but Hoyt tells her he doesn’t believe Bill for a minute. Hoyt takes off, and Bill tells Jessica that there is no hunting in his house. Jessica tells him that she’d never kissed a boy before, she wasn’t hunting, and that she didn’t even want to do anything but kiss Hoyt. She also mentions that she can’t help it if her fangs come out when she’s turned on, but she notices they’re still out, covers her mouth, and runs upstairs. Sookie tells Bill she thinks she’s going to like Jessica, but Bill obviously disapproves. Sookie brushes away Bill’s usual crankiness, and begins the act of convincing Bill to take Jessica with them to Dallas. Bill clearly isn’t up for it, but Sookie tells him that it will be good for him, since he’s basically pretty antisocial with his own kind.

Bill states that as a vampire, he’s supposed to be tormented, –please, feel free to break the cliche any time, Bill, really. Anne Rice fans don’t need to know that you’re not really a self-hating pretty boy with homosexual tendencies, we’ll keep it just between us! Sookie tells Bill that he’s not just a vampire, and he can teach Jessica how to “walk that line between vampire and human”. Bill states with a sarcastic little look, “Yes, because I have mastered that.” Hey buddy, those that can’t do, teach. Bill monologues for a moment about how lucky Jessica is to be “growing up nowadays, rather than back when I was a youngin”, –the usual old person speech, and then concedes to Sookie’s wishes, naturally, by stating he’ll need to arrange for two travel coffins instead of only one. Aww, poor baby, someone’s pussy-whipped. But if it had to be anyone, you know, who the hell wouldn’t pick Sookie?

While Bill and Sookie are getting excited about their first trip together, Sam and Daphne are swimming around naked in a lake. Dude, I’m sorry but there is no fucking way, –gators, gar, snapping turtles, snakes, and leeches, –all these things love southern lakes. Why couldn’t have they just jogged down to the YMCA and had a romantic moment under fluorescent lights, and the smell of sweaty old people? There is such a thing as too much atmosphere, guys. Anyway, while they swim the naked swim of doom, Daphne and Sam talk about everything from how great the night is, to Sam’s paradisiacal perspective of Bon Temps, –obviously delusional, to Daphne’s snotty trailer park princess perspective, –that Bon Temps is a lil’ ol’ hick town. Shi-it, a city girl! Sam is already talking himself into being homesick, while he tells Daphne how much he loves it, but may be moving on.

Before they get into a big weepy moment, Daphne says hre fingers are wrinkling up, and she wants pancakes, –Sam knows the spot, –yeah, seems like he would, –but says he’s not hungry. Daphne guessed that Sam is worried she’ll see him nekkid, and tells him not to worry, she has seen “boy parts” before, and water isn’t opaque. Well, it really depends on the amount of pollution and fish shit in the water, you know. When Daphne gets out of the water, Sam sees the enormous scar on her back. Over at the lunatic’s house, Maryann’s that is, Tara has made up her mind to move in with Sookie, and the two are discussing the final details over the phone. Just after Tara tells Sookie she loves her “the most”, and hangs up, Maryann jumps up behind her and asks who she loves the most. Tara tells her Sookie, and Maryann’s mood visibly darkens, although, why she gives a shit about Tara taking off is never actually explained. Really, –it isn’t, not even in the other episodes. So that doesn’t count as me spoiling anything for you really, if you haven’t seen them yet.

Maryann asks what Tara has planned today, and –oh god, the moment has come to tell the psycho that it’s time to go. Maryann is not pleased, and she’s not very good at hiding it. Tara has to explain in small words that she’s moving in with Sookie, and that her living with Maryann was only supposed to be temporary. Maryann tells her ‘everything is temporary’, and tries to dance around the kitchen with her. Tara pulls away, and lets Maryann know she isn’t in the mood. Careful babe, she’s more psychotic than you. But Maryann manages to look sad, –it’s actually kind of funny when you think on it. A great actor, playing a villain who is a terrible actor. I guess that makes Michelle Forbes that much more accomplished. Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs she left, after they have a little hug. Aww. Meanwhile, over at the Fellowship of the Sun’s special people fun time place, Jason is eating waffles and displaying his Biblical ineptitude.

Jason and his friends from camp are discussing the origins of vampires in the Bible, thus end up talking about the origin of evil, –Luke thinks it was Eve, but Jason disagrees. “That was just skirtin the rules. Evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick.” Uh huh, well, his heart’s in the right place. Before Luke can come back with an equally vacuous statement, there’s an announcement asking Jason Stackhouse to come meet Reverend Newlin outside the Administration Offices. His fellow campers, basking in wisdom and maturity, snicker with food in their mouths and say “Ooooh.” Before Jason leaves the cafeteria, Luke says, God makes sure evil is punished. Jason turns and says “..then explain Europe to me.” Touche, Jason! Luke looks appropriately stumped, and Jason jogs out to meet Steve Newlin. Newlin looks like the poster boy for gun safety, –one of those negative re-enforcement posters where a cherubic child is playing with a gun the size of his head.

As Newlin snaps the chamber closed on a paint-ball pistol, Jason stares in open mouthed disbelief, thinking that the man is going to shoot him. Worst case scenario is either sterilization or losing an eye, but Newlin is actually in the mood for some fundamentalist vampire-hating fun. Jason hops in the modified golf cart, and heads off with Newlin, still unsure about being shot in the nads by the religious freak. Sookie and Tara are sitting in Gran’s parlor, talking about Tara’s birthday. Sookie gives her the framed photo of Gran with Sookie and Tara as kids; you know, the creepy one where Gran resembles the witch from Hansel and Gretel? Tara tears up, and the girls both admit how much they miss Gran. After the hugging and crying, Tara asks about Sookie’s trip, and when Sookie explains some, Tara immediately guesses the purpose of the trip, and starts railing on Bill. Sookie tells her that saving yourself for the perfect man is unrealistic, provoking Tara’s epiphany about her issue with Eggs.

Sookie accidentally lets slip that she is only going to save Lafayette, Tara’s cousin, –but Tara didn’t know, and now Sookie has to spill the beans. Uh oh. Meanwhile, Mike Spencer, Kenya, and Bud Dearborn are hovering over Miss Jeanette’s body trying to make some sense of who killed her. Bud arrives at the comedic conclusion that she was killed by an animal-human collaboration, and Kenya bitches him out for joking about the dead black woman. Enter Andy Bellefleur, who wants to know more about the report on Tara’s accident. Sheriff Dearborn is none too pleased that Andy’s been investigating despite being taken off the case, and Mike Spencer excuses himself before he can get caught in the crossfire. Andy insults Bud, and loses his badge, which he didn’t give up easily. Lafayette is laying on his couch, surrounded by meds, booze, and dirty dishes, when Tara starts banging on his door. He opens it, though with much difficulty, and lets an already sputtering Tara inside so she can get her guilt trip groove on.

Tara tries to get Lafayette to go to the hospital, but no luck, so then she tries to get Lafayette to let her stay with him, because it’s her birthday, but he firmly declines, saying that he’s not in the mood to take care of her. She tells him that if he dies, she’ll be pissed, and Lafayette tells her the sentiment is mutual. At Merlotte’s, Sam is stocking produce, and Terry Bellefleur asks if he’s still leaving, but all Sam will say on the subject is “haven’t left yet”. When Sam disappears into the cooler, Terry calls him a dumbass. Sookie pops in at the window and asks what Terry’s making for a lunch special, and Terry almost loses his cool when he discovers he forgot a crucial ingredient to what he’s making. He admits to Sookie that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle the pressure when Sam leaves town, and Sookie is shocked. Sam comes out of the cooler and Sookie confronts him about it, but he’s in an evasive mood.

Sookie follows him and asks where he’s going, and when he doesn’t answer, she tries to make it clear that there was a lot going on in her life when he was interested in her, and she wasn’t ready for anything serious. Sam doesn’t want to hear it, and tells her he has serious shit he’s dealing with, and that he doesn’t have time to make her feel better. Sookie counters by telling him she has her own serious shit to deal with, and segues into asking for a week off. Sam tells her fine, but that he won’t be there when she gets back. This irritates Sookie more, and she asks if he’s willing to leave it like that, and just throw away years of friendship, then leaves him to think it over. Her brother meanwhile, is out racing through the woods in a golf/go-cart with Steve Newlin, shooting at vampire targets with a paint ball gun. Yeah, because there’s always the chance that some vampires would just stand there and be shot at.

When they stop, Jason apologizes for cussing, but Steve tells him that he’s “one hell of a shot” and that they ought to give Jason wooden bullets instead of silver ones. Jason states that silver bullets are cooler, but Steve explains that silver only disables a vampire, that wooden stakes are what kills them, and they explode. Jason, a little regretful now, tells Steve that they actually just “kinda fall apart… like a water balloon”, and Steve tells him he’s jealous. Ugh, gross. Steve tells Jason how cool it would be to watch God just obliterate evil, and admits he wants to see it soon. Woo, psycho! At Sookie’s house, Tara sits, crying and watching TV while someone watches her through a window. She hears a board creak, calls “Hello?” then goes to investigate. At the door, all is quiet for a moment, then Maryann, Eggs, and Carl holler “surprise!” Tara looks scared enough to pee, and Maryann hugs her. They came with a wedding cake to celebrate Tara’s birthday, for a party they’d supposedly been planning for days.

While Carl and Maryann head to the kitchen to garnish Tara’s cake with evil, Eggs asks Tara why she was crying, and she tells him that she always cries on her birthday because it always sucks. Eggs promises that today it changes, –um, hello? She’s already cried today, so you’re too late. Duh. Maryann tells her she’s been on the phone all day calling all Tara’s “friends”, –there’s going to be a massive party at Sookie’s house, much to Tara’s chagrin. But don’t worry, she’ll be too drunk to notice that she has no spine. At the massive Newlin mansion, Sarah is barbequing for Jason and Steve, –after all, what’s a beautiful brainless religious fanatic have to do all day besides cook for her religious fanatic husband? Aside from applying make-up to hide the scar from her lobotomy, of course. While Steve rambles on about how great it is to be absolutely batshit, Jason fantasizes about Sarah Newlin, Steve’s wife, while she cooks ribs, –the scene where she slaps her own ass with a spatula is my favorite.

Once they’re inside ready to eat Sarah’s ribs, she’s sweet enough to rub her boobs all over Jason’s back while putting on his bib. Men in bibs being catered to by the caregiver female archetype; turns out, Freud was right. Sarah sits, and states she thinks Jason is a true soldier of God, or some equally silly shit, and Steve begins explaining that they’re putting together an elite force called the Soldiers of the Sun. Steve claims that they need him, and so does God, while Sarah reiterates phrases like ‘Amen’ and ‘Praise his light!’ At Merlotte’s, Sam tries to cut off Andy, who’s just lost his badge, and plans a nice long binge. Andy explains his situation to Sam; being demoted, and taken off the case, and Sam sympathizes, but doesn’t let him keep drinking, with Andy being a mostly recovered alcoholic.  Arlene tells Sam she wants to take off and go to Tara’s birthday party at Sookie’s place, since Andy was just cut off, and there’s no one else in the bar. Arlene says Maryann really knows how to throw a party, and Andy agrees.

Daphne walks up and asks where they’re going, Arlene says home, clearly not interested in partying with Daphne but Andy says “Party at the old Stackhouse place!” as he’s leaving, and Arlene gives him a dirty look.  Daphne says to count her in, since she’s worked hard enough for one day, and Arlene sneers and snickers rudely. Ha! That redhead is a real firecracker. They ask Sam if he’s going, but he says no, though Daphne says she hopes he changes his mind. Arlene looks at them both, disgusted, just as Lettie Mae Thornton walks in, holding a giftbox in foil paper. Sam tells them to go on ahead, and goes over to talk to Lettie Mae, who came there looking for Tara. Lettie Mae asks how Tara is, Sam says she’s fine, as far as he knows, –wrong-o!, –and then she asks whether Sam is still with Tara. He shakes his head, and says no, catching Arlene eavesdropping, before he says loudly, “Goodnight Arlene!” He shakes his head, Lettie Mae tells him it’s Tara’s birthday, she’s 26, and asks him to give her the foil wrapped gift. Sam agrees, and she practically jogs for the door. Jeez, hope she didn’t give him a bomb. Sam looks pained; he really did not want to go to the crazy bitch’s party, –either of them.

At the airport in Dallas, an obviously drunk Sookie wanders off the plane, and calls “Yoohoo!” to a very nervous looking man with a sign reading “Compton Party”. She holds the miniature bottle of booze out and says to the man, “I’ve always loved these, they’re like booze for dolls!” I doubt Barbie ever got nearly as wasted as Sookie is at the moment; she claims they gave her ten. He remarks, still jittery, that they were late, and were supposed to be there before sundown, then urges her to get in the limo. He’s starting to sweat, as he sees the two travel coffins unloaded, and Sookie reads his mind, –panicked, and strained “Get in the god damn limo, you stupid bitch!” He grabs her and tries to force her in, and Bill, only about twenty feet away in a coffin snaps wide awake and bursts out of the coffin like a very angry Jack-in-the-Box. He grabs the man and tells him if he makes a noise, it’ll be his last, fangs popping out to punctuate the threat. Unfortunately, it has a little less effect since Jessica has just woken up and can’t get out of her coffin, and has only managed to make it fall over.

At Sookie’s house, Sam is pulling up and apparently, Tara’s party is already in full swing. With some trepidation and plenty of disgust, Sam walks onto the porch and Maryann pops up to greet him, asking if the present’s for her. He tells her no, and she dismisses him to the gift table in the dining room, but then follows him to pester him about showing up after all. Sam tells Maryann that if she wants to turn him, she can, but she’ll also reveal herself as a “whatever the hell” she is, and warns her that he won’t stand by and let her hurt the people he cares about. Maryann asks, “Even if they’ve dumped you, or chosen a dead man over you?” He looks at her, irate, and she strolls off. Daphne waves at him, from across the house, and Sam goes off to join her. In the parlor, Eggs and Tara are getting bizzay and Eggs is telling Tara that “anybody dances like you should dance every fuckin day”, –while Maryann watches like a deranged stalker. Maryann dances off to throw Lettie Mae’s gift into the bushes outside, then disappears into the woods.

At the airport, Bill questions the kidnapper inside the limo, first glamouring him, and asking his name. In a cute sort of ‘evil twin of Hallmark’ moment, Bill asks Jessica if she wants to try glamouring the man, and she acquiesces. Bill instructs her on how to glamour him, and when she’s got him all settled and mindfucked, Bill settles back with Sookie, who tells him how sweet of him that was. Bill tells Sookie he suspects “that church” is behind the kidnapping, since the attempt was too sloppy for vampires. Sookie tells him she doesn’t believe a church would kidnap anyone, but Bill reassures her that churches have done a lot worse throughout history. Mm, such as cultural genocide, mass murder, political oppression, and so on, –kind of makes you wonder why Christianity is so popular, hm? Jason strolls into his bunk looking all kinds of happy, and Luke, still bruised up, asks Jason what the “dork face” is about, –Jason tells him he just became a Soldier of the Sun.

The two do the Testosterone Tango for a moment, till Jason wins, –despite everyone else being drafted into the Soldiers of the Sun, Jason is the only one who was invited to stay with the Newlins for the duration. The guys tell Jason it’s only because Sarah wants him for his “hot beef injection”. Egads. Say it ain’t so! Jason starts getting irate, and tells  Luke not to talk about Sarah that way, but Luke only continues to instigate him, –despite already having a broken nose. Jason takes off, giving Luke a muttered ‘fuck you’ on his way out. At the Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill discuss their room at the front desk, while Jessica babysits the glamoured kidnapper. Apparently, Eric was kind enough to arrange for the couple to have a room with no bed; Sookie corrects the hotel clerk, and Bill also adds that they’ll need an adjoining room for his err… what would you call Jessica? They decide “progeny” is too old fashioned; Sookie suggests “ward.”

Behind them, Jessica gets a brand new cell phone from Leon the kidnapper, then convinces him that all his worst fears are about to come true unless he screams at the top of his lungs: “Becky Yewbecks(?) is a stuck up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!” Leon does as instructed, and Jessica cracks up, –didn’t we all? Bill and Sookie, who just confirmed Mr. Northman was paying for everything, jump practically out of their skin, and Bill hollers “Jessica!” then turns back to the clerk with “She’s new,” as his only explanation. Hey, it was funny guy, give her a break. In Sookie’s front yard, a bunch of uncoordinated white people are trying to dance while inebriated, and failing miserably; they do succeed admirably in looking like zombies though. I think we found some extras for the next picture in the Romero franchise!

While Maryann chants behind some bushes in front of the house, we’re treated with some traumatizing scenes of drunk people dancing on the lawn, and then more drunk, but better coordinated people dancing in the living room. The white people dancing in the living room are few, –didn’t you know white people can’t dance? Their business is in the front yard, wallerin’ and stumblin’ around like pigs in a shit pile. Tara and Eggs start licking each other and sucking face, while Maryann seems to feed off their horny vibes, and then the couple disappears upstairs to screw. How nice, in Gran’s house. Boy I tell you what, if I came home and caught these people acting like this at my gramma’s house, it would absolutely take a supernatural force to keep me from kicking all kinds of ass. But Tara doesn’t seem to mind, and it’s true the high point is finally getting to see her naked. Though it’s true she’s with Eggs, who looks a bit like a chocolate pretzel stick with a grape stuck on top. That poor boy is all head.

Lafayette is cooling himself with a lacy red fan and watching, what looks like a He-Man movie, –feel free to correct me guys, –when Eric pops up in his window. Lafayette jumps, lands on the floor, and tells Eric he can’t come in uninvited, and he’s nowhere near crazy enough to invite him. Eric pleasantly reminds Lafayette that he’ll have to come out eventually, and he has “all the time in the world.” The crazy warden from the Count of Monte Cristo said the same exact thing, remember? I loved him, and Eric reminds me of him too, all dashing, and wicked, with a touch of lunatic for seasoning. But ladies, before you start popping figurative wood, Eric delivers his Worst and Cheesiest Line of All Time right here: “And now I am here to give you something else; the healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.”  That line is so cliche and Anne Rice, that for a solid minute, I was actually embarassed for the character Eric, the actor who plays him, and Alan Ball. If you’re going to make shit up, at least do it with some originality, guy.

Eric stands with arm offered to Lafayette, who states his reluctance, but Eric argues that he can smell the infection in Lafayette’s leg, and if he doesn’t get it fixed, he’ll lose it. Lafayette asks why Eric wants to give him his blood; Eric replies that he likes him, and Lafayette waves the bullshit flag. No doubt, dude. Eric likes Eric most of all. Lafayette knows that Eric wants to keep track of him, and Eric admits that since Lafayette means something to Sookie, he’s curious about him, and tells Lafayette he has no choice and he knows it. In their hotel room, Bill and Sookie are sitting with Leon, and Bill is trying to reassure him that everything is going to be all right. Leon, petrified, tells Bill that no, all his worst nightmares are coming true. Bill hollers at Jessica, and asks what on earth she did to him, but she hollers back that she’s on the phone. Sookie tells Bill to put his hand on Leon’s shoulder, since touching usually helps her read minds. So… a hundred and something vampire is taking mind reading tips from a 20-something blonde who treated her telepathy like a handicap for most of her life? My turn to wave the bullshit flag.

Bill asks Leon who sent him, and Leon immediately says “Fellowship of the Sun”, –Sookie asks if he’s a member, Leon says no, they hired him, and Bill asks who specifically hired him, Leon says he doesn’t know, because it was over the phone. With a few more questions, they learn Leon was paid with money placed in a bus station locker, was hired to kidnap “the human” with the Compton Party, and bring her to the church, that he didn’t know who Sookie was, or even that she was female. Leon tells them all he knows was that vampires were using a human to find the vampire Godric, and Leon doesn’t know where he is. Bill re-establishes control of poor Leon’s brain, –who really was quite a sweety, he remembered to say “yes, ma’am” and “no ma’am” even while glamoured, –and tells him that his employers will be pleased, because he did so well. Bill tells him the plane arrived, but the Compton party wasn’t on it. Meanwhile, Lafayette is drinking blood from Eric’s wrist, while Eric watches television.

Eric tells him that’s enough, and when Lafayette doesn’t let up, he flicks his wrist and sends the intoxicated guy flying across the room, telling him not to get greedy. Eric’s cell rings, and he answers, telling Bill he was supposed to call when he first arrived, but Bill cuts him off to tell him they were ambushed at the airport. Eric feigns ignorance, but Bill isn’t having it, and Eric admits he thought that maybe the Fellowship of the Sun was behind Godric’s disappearance. Eric ends the call by reminding Bill that he’s the sheriff and doesn’t have to tell Bill everything, and to take it up with the Magister, or the Queen if he has complaints. Lafayette jumps up and begins dancing as though he’d just had about four acid tabs and a gram of coke. Eric asks about his leg, while Lafayette humps a chair; Lafayette says he just wants to “fuckin dance” and Eric remarks “How nice for you” and takes off, leaving Lafayette to have a spaz attack on his own time. How come Sookie never acts like a techno-obsessed stripper on coke when she gets blood from Bill?

While Jason is getting ready for bed, Sarah comes into his room, scantily clad, to tell him good night. Jason asks about him being the only one invited to sleep at their house, and Sarah tells him it’s because the quarters for the S.O.S. are built for 14, and he’s number 15. But she reassures him that it’s also because he’s the best, and the one they have the highest hopes for. After the “I’m so proud of you” speech, Sarah goes to her room, first letting Jason know he can tell her if he needs anything. At the Carmilla in Dallas, Sookie and Bill are taking advantage of the bed in their room when Eric knocks, happy to interrupt, and tells Bill to meet him in the bar. Bill sighs heavy and Sookie pouts as she rolls over. It’s work, work, work with those vampires I guess. Bill and Eric snip at each other for a moment before getting down to the nitty gritty; why a thoroughly conceited vampire like Eric would care about a sheriff of an area in another state. Eric tells Bill, instead, that he hopes he enjoys the $45 blood substitute he just bought him. Bill states he isn’t going to drink it, he just wanted Eric to pay for it, to which Eric responds, “Oh, you’re so mature.” It’s cute, they’re like bickering cousins.

Bill demands Eric answer why Godric is so important to him, and Eric tries to be evasive, saying that Godric is beloved by his subjects. When Bill counters that Godric is not a King or Queen, Eric snaps that Godric could have been, if he’d wanted. He reiterates that Godric is older, and more powerful than himself, and that he’s worried that if humans can take Godric, then no vampire is safe. Bill asks what he can give Eric to release Sookie from her agreement with him, and Eric says “Nothing.” Oooh, harsh. Eric explains to Bill that the reason he’s on the mission as well, is that if Godric isn’t freed soon, then the Dallas vampires will start attacking humans. Bill is shocked into disbelief, and remarks “that’s insane”, but Eric shrugs and says, “That’s Texas.” Yeah, Texas is pretty crazy. Even without the vampires. At Sookie’s house, Daphne and Sam are feeding each other birthday cake, before they start kissing and getting all mushy. Sam hesitates for a second though, and wonders if “this” –the dry humping by Sookie’s kitchen sink, I suppose, –is a good idea. No, it isn’t, go home, have a beer, and write a long apology letter to Sookie, you rude ass bastard.

Daphne though, convinces him it is a good idea, but before they can start sucking face again with as much vigor as before, Sam stops again and tells Daphne he has to tell her something. Oh no, is Sam really a woman?! Oh wait, he must want to explain about being a shapeshifter. Phew. Daphne stops him and says, “No you don’t,” but Sam insists, and she counters again. She whispers, “I know what you are”, and leads him outside, through a melting pot of drunken, pitiful dancers. Upstairs, Tara and Eggs are still doing it, –Eggs has a very cute butt in his favor, but Tara’s boobs are still the main event. Outside, Maryann is doing her human vibrator impression, while people are starting to get into the orgy groove. The party has digressed into smashing food into their faces, eating and rolling in dirt, spacing out, and so on. Maryann is digging in the dirt, before lifting up her hands to show off giant claws, –with, how odd, only three digits. Well, that’s weird, but whatever.

Sookie is flipping through the Adult movie section on the hotel television, when Room Service knocks to deliver a cute little blonde for Jessica to snack on. Sookie wonders if he’s legal, and Barry the bellboy answers her, –as in, read her mind. OMFG! No wayz! He tries to smile and pretend it’s a coincidence, but Sookie ain’t having it. He runs off, and Sookie gives chase. And that’s where they leave us!

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They go at it for a moment longer, and like any woman who has finally lost an argument, Sookie throws a little tantrum, leaves the car, and concludes that she’s “going to walk.” Men all over the world shudder in unison, remembering all those 3 mile-per-hour “walks” that usually ended in: wasting gallons of gas while following the pain in the ass girlfriend, being denied both victory and pussy, and eventually, spending a long night on the couch. Bill huffs, because he’s been blessed with an antiquated understanding of the situation, –I suppose, in an older set of circumstances, the girl would shout: “I’m taking my own damn horse home!” and thus leave him there. So Bill’s a bit flabbergasted, and he sits trying to figure out how to respond, and most men are shouting at their TV “Leave her ass there!” but Jessica coaches Bill anyway on the proper response: Kiss the woman’s ass, it’s what she -wants- you to do.

Bill resists, like any other confused male with limited female experience, and concludes that she’ll come back when she calms down. Sorry buddy, but you’re the one in the car; she expects you to at least drive there, and pick her up, if not run quickly, bow down, worship, pick her up and carry her to the car. Jessica gives him the “Is that your final answer?” look, with a certain amount of pity. Meanwhile, Sookie trudges along Hormonal Female Lane, and is starting to feel some creepiness in the air. Fog, twigs snapping, –look out for hunting politicians, they’re particularly dangerous. Sookie shouts for Bill, and tells him that if he’s trying to scare her into getting back into the car, it won’t work. Was I the only one thinking that Bill doesn’t really have the creativity for that, and the whole “scare you into cooperation” is more of an Eric move? Sookie turns around and sees something really nasty, –what looks like a man with a bull’s head, and gigantic slimy claws. She books it, screaming, while the thing chases her down, –it slashes, and Sookie falls. Bill hears the screaming and hops out of the car, finally convinced that it would have been better to follow Jessica’s advice.

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

The gross thing hovers over Sookie, breathing all nasty, with that “I’m going to eat you!” suspenseful atmosphere. If it wasn’t for the speed of the chase, I’d guess that the monster was Michael Moore in disguise, but given the athletic ability involved, I’m settling for O.J. Simpson. Theme music! The incomparable Bad Things, by Jace Everett, to put you in the mood. Back on the road, Bill rushes over to the Sookie roadkill, peels her up off the ground, and tries to ask what attacked her. “Bull… human”, is the best she can manage, and she tells Bill she’s paralized as well. Bill, confident in the ability of his blood to heal pretty much anything, tries to give Sookie some, but it makes her go into a foamy-mouthed seizure. Jessica runs up, takes a look at the apparently rabid Sookie and comments “Gross!” Bill hollers at her to get the car, and they speed away to Fangtasia, and carry Sookie inside to see if Eric can help. Bill tells Jessica to go straight home, and despite some argument, she obeys. I wonder if “As your maker I command you!” will work on all teenagers? Parents, give it a try, and let us know.

At Merlottes, Sam is brooding about “stuff” when Daphne pokes her head in to interrupt him with her latest screw-ups. This time, she’s short for the register, and Sam, already in a pissy state of mind, tells her she has to pay for it. Daphne sniffles and gives him all her tips, telling him she’ll just have to owe him. She sneaks off to cry, while Sam sits, feeling and looking like a total douchebag. And to make things worse, here comes Tara, quoting Maryann to Sam, who, in all consideration, is doing remarkably well. I might have stood up and punched her before going back in a closet somewhere to sniff bleach. But he manages to keep it together, even when Tara starts pestering him about why he hates Maryann. Tara tells him he doesn’t even know Maryann, –uh, wrong-o, –and Sam tells Tara, “neither do you!” before walking off. Score 1 for Sam!

Over at Fangtasia, Sookie is sprawled out looking all kinds of fucked up; gashes run from shoulder to tailbone, and a weird looking little woman, –a “Supe” in the book, but a “who-knows-what” in the show. Goblin, dwarf, gnome, something I can’t remember. Anyway! She examines Sookie, exchanges names, and Sookie asks if she’s dying. Dr. Ludwig confirms, and Bill starts having a big fit. Dr. Ludwig tells him to back off, and Eric asks the tiny doctor to forgive Bill, because he’s “abnormally attached” to Sookie. Dr. Ludwig explains the similarities between this bite and the bite of Komodo Dragon, who tracks a kill after it bites its prey, waiting for its venom to weaken the animal enough to be eaten. Sookie asks if she was attacked by a “dragon”, and a little part of me wants to smack whoever wrote that line. “Country” and “southern” are not synonymous with “ignorant.” Damn yankees. Dr. Ludwig explains that no, this poison is much more advanced, then tells the two vampires to beat it, so she can get Sookie’s clothes off and treat her quickly.

Bill comes and tells Sookie he’ll be just outside, how sorry he is, etc., and in response, Sookie foams at the mouth some more; Dr. Ludwig hurries him off. In Eric’s office, Bill explains what happened to Eric, who is mystified as to what could have attacked Sookie. He quietly calls for Pam and Chow, who hear him, probably all the way over in the next state, and walk in a moment later. Bill tells them to search the highway where Sookie was attacked. Pam informs Eric she’s wearing her favorite pumps, but Eric gives her an “As your maker I command you” of his own, and the two are off to look for the nasty thing that attacked Sookie. Eric and Bill commiserate a little about their “progeny”, –Eric’s getting the better end of the deal, Pam doesn’t seem nearly the pain in the ass that Jessica is. Eric tells Bill how nice it is being a maker, and we’ve sort of got this weird little, “Isn’t it great to be a mom?” thing going here, but before they can swap recipes, Sookie screams in the other room.

Dr. Ludwig is pouring on something that’s making Sookie’s wounds bubble and ooze, and she hollers for Bill to hold her down. Bill holds Sookie while Dr. Ludwig digs little pieces of clumpy goo out of Sookie’s wounds. Do not eat while you watch this episode. Meanwhile, over at the Bible-Thumper Base Camp, Jason Stackhouse wakes up with a scream. He lays back down, and finds Eddie in bed with him, snuggling up, to Jason’s dismay, confusion, and all out panic! Jason sputters “This ain’t real!” before Eddie asks him if “this feels real?” before sinking his teeth in for good bite. Jason hollers again and wakes up, even more confused and freaked out. Jason sits up and prays to God for guidance, and another sign. The Luke-inator hurls a pillow at him, rude!, and tells him to shut up. Jason, properly chastized, curls back up in bed, after he hits his head on the window sill. Poor feller.

Dr. Ludwig does some maintenance on Sookie’s large wounds, while Sookie lays, barely conscious, still splayed out on the bench. The doctor informs the two watching vampires, Bill and Eric, that they can give her blood now. Bill goes to bite his wrist, but Eric stops him and says, “Allow me, my blood is much stronger”. Bill huffs, and gives him a firm ‘never’, before biting his own wrist to give to Sookie. Dr. Ludwig tells Eric she expects her payment at the end of the week, and Eric asserts with some sarcasm what a pleasure it is to do business with her, and we hear the tiny old woman call “Fuck off” in response. Haha, we love Dr. Ludwig. Eric explains to Bill that Dr. Ludwig is “no fan of the fang” but that she tolerates them because of the medicinal value of their blood. Really? I had no idea. Pam and Cho enter after Bill finishes giving Sookie blood, and we see Pam’s fabulous shoes and pantyhose are clearly ruined. Pam, with leaves sticking out of her hair, cattily informs Eric, that the “area has been scanned”. Cho tells Eric that the tracks were human, the smell was animal, and when Eric asks ‘what kind?’ Pam tells him ‘a filthy one’. Well, a dirty human/animal. That should be easy to find. As Pam’s walking off, Eric grins and tells Pam ‘those -were- great pumps.’

Bill tells Eric it’s best that he and Sookie stay, and Eric offers Longshadow’s “messy” coffin, and Bill responds with gratitude for Eric’s hospitality, and saving Sookie. Eric lets Bill know that he’s sure that Sookie can repay him, i.e., he expects Sookie to go to Dallas for him. In Maryann’s kitchen, Carl is stirring a pot of something most likely malevolent, –perhaps he’ll publish a cookbook; “How to Prepare Food For an Orgy” or “Cooking for Psychotic Supernatural Creatures 101″. I’d buy it! He holds out a wooden spoon for Maryann to taste, and she accepts it, sipping and suggesting more juniper, before wandering off to put a few roses in a vase. Tara strolls in, and asks what “all this is for”. I was under the impression that Maryann usually has a kitchen full of food, and fruit, and other finery. Where has Tara been? Maryann tells her she’s having another orgy, carefully disguised as a “few people over”. While Tara sits down for coffee, Maryann sits down to roll a huge joint.

Tara, ever astute, asks Maryann why Sam hates her. Maryann pretends to be surprised, and Tara explains Sam’s irritation at the mention of anything to do with Maryann. To this, Maryann responds with a bunch of hippy psycho-babble bullshit, concluding or leading Tara to conclude, that Sam’s just jealous because Maryann is better than him. Then she invites Tara to smoke some pot before work. Hey, why not, it’s not like we’re adults or anything, right? And yay, it even has a filter; typical women. If you ain’t coughin, you ain’t doin it right. Sam meanwhile, is packing all his shit into his Jeep, when Terry pulls up. Terry asks if Sam’s taking a trip, and Sam evades a direct answer. Sam asks Terry if he’ll take care of the bar while he’s gone, and Terry is reluctant, on account of his PTSD. Sam tells him that he’s the last person he would ask, but everyone else is busy, or having personal issues, and Terry, “feeling the pressure” agreees hesitantly. Sam tells him thanks, but Terry’s pissed; he knows what’s going on, and tells Sam “remind me never to get stuck in a foxhole with you!” before calling him a coward, and driving off.

Over at the Bible-Thumper Base-Camp, aka Fellowship of the Sun headquarters, a severely scarred fangbanger is sniffling and boohooing out her story to a bunch of anti-vampire softies. When she’s finished, Sarah Newlin thanks her for sharing, while Jason looks half disgusted. Sarah prompts Jason to “share something” and when he hesitates, reminds him of his honesty vow. Feel free to excuse yourself to puke now, but be warned, a more vomit worthy scene comes shortly. Jason reluctantly shares, stating that it’s nothing they want to hear: He talks about Sookie’s vampire, Bill, being a decent guy (and there’s almost a dirty comment made about Sookie, so there was a near ass-kkicking moment), about Rene or Drew Marshall’s obsessive vampire hate that killed his family and friends. For once, it seems, Jason is taking a stand to tell these lowlifes how things really are, but as he’s leaving, Sarah Newlin rushes off to persuade him otherwise.

Sarah tells Jason that there’s something special about him, that the Lord sent him to her, etc., but she didn’t know why, and now she does! While Sarah compares herself to Jason, I’m looking through her white pants and I swear, you can see a low riding thong, and it’s not white at all. Anyway, before I started looking at panties, Sarah was saying how similar Jason and her are. She reveals that when vampires “came out of the coffin”, she and her big sister marched together for the equal rights of vampires. Later, when her sister disappeared, addicted to vampire blood and hopelessly lost, Sarah knew they’d killed her, and decided to join the Fellowship of the Sun. She says vampires took her sister, Jason’s girlfriend and grandmother. Hmm, some logical flaws, but whatever, she’s on a roll now. She tells Jason that even if Eddie was nice, if vampires never existed, the people they loved would still be alive.

In a roundabout way, Sarah seems to have convinced Jason that the murders of his Gran and girlfriend were his fault; had it not been for him being high, his girlfriend and Gran would be alive. Sarah comforts and consoles Jason. True, Jason was being an idiot at the time, but if Rene made up his mind to kill Amy, he would have, just like he killed Dawn and Maudette, who were both pretty sober when they died. Drew Marshall/Rene, would have just waited till she was alone. You can tell anyway though, that Jason’s mental facilities are buckling under pressure, and he’s going to get back in the flow of the shit that’s beginning to replace his already moth-eaten brain. They sit on the porch and pray, and it’s as cute as a Precious Moments greeting card.

At Fangtasia, Sookie wakes up in a Fangtasia t-shirt and sneakers, and looks around. She hikes up her shirt and looks in the mirror; not even a scar is leftover from the massive wounds she received the previous evening. Ginger pops up, and gives Sookie the “tube top” sandwich she made her; peanut butter and chocolate syrup. Er, yum? Ginger goes on about how easy it is to lose weight with vampires, and Sookie asks about Bill. Ginger tells Sookie he’s still resting, while she does some light cleaning around the bar. Sookie asks why Ginger is there in the day-time, and Ginger explains that she usually isn’t, but lately she comes in because, –and thinks immediately that she almost told Sookie about her friend Lafayette being locked up in the basement, and Eric telling her not to say anything. Woops! Sookie blocks her, and asks about Lafayette; Ginger, stunned, thinks about the gun under the register, which Sookie automatically retrieves, and points at a screaming Ginger.

Sookie demands that Ginger takes her to Lafayette, and the two head down to the basement. I love Ginger, she’s absolutely dingy as all hell, and her brain is totally fried, but she’s the sort of person you just want to hug and watch movies with. Sookie rushes over to Lafayette, and demands that Ginger uncuff him, but she swears she doesn’t have that key. She’s also worried about Eric being mad at her. Sookie promises to free Lafayette, before the scene switches over to Eggs, playing his guitar for a bunch of dorks over at Maryann’s house. I was sort of waiting for him to bust into “If You’re Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands”, but Tara shows up and ruins it. Tara is drinking wine out of what I swear is a plastic wineglass, –tres tacky, –while Eggs rambles on about how shitty his life was before he met Maryann, and that she was the one who introduced him to guitar. Good for you, let’s move on, please! Tara giggles about how she’s late for work, and being “too fucked up to deal with Sam Merlotte”. Aww, how nice, you mean the man who gave you all that money for your exorcism? Real nice. Remind me never to give Tara anything of mine, sheesh.

Eggs asks if Tara will get fired, and she says “maybe, but it’s just a job.” Wow, I can see how Maryann’s had a great effect on Tara, what a fantastic, responsible adult she’s blossomed into. While Tara and Eggs get all cute and lovey dovey on the couch, Sookie is raring up for one hell of a bitchfest. Bill approaches and Sookie hops up to hug him; he’s elated to see her alive and well, but she’s ready to get Lafayette out of the basement. Billl wonders if she’s still angry about their fight, but Sookie informs him of Lafayette’s deal, –Bill tells her he had no idea, and Eric enters the scene, and explains to Bill why the human is chained in the basement. In fact, trading sexual favors for a vampire to get vampire blood and sell it, is a grave offense, and Eric is within his rights to punish people who have committed crimes against vampires. But Sookie is still pissed as hell, and she tells him he ought to be ashamed, and slaps him good. Bill hollers “Sookie!” though Eric looks as if he barely felt it, and tells her he’s glad she’s feeling better, and “that color suits her very well”. Sookie tells him to go to hell, and Bill tries in vain to keep her in line.

Sookie continues with all they’ve been torturing Lafayette with, but Bill is neither shocked nor surprised. But Sookie then threatens Eric with the police, which is a toe on the line in his book; he snaps forward, fully irate, and tells her he does not respond to threats. He retreats some, and says that perhaps they can come to some form of arrangement, and invites Sookie to his office. At Merlottes, Sam is on Tara’s voicemail trying to reach her, while Terry is serving food, –never a Terry job! Tara of course, didn’t show. Sookie is out ’sick’, and Daphne is… herself. Lafayette is MIA and Arlene comes to the rescue, late, explaining that one of her kids tried to pierce the other’s nose, and now he’s got an infection, –it was that feisty redhead! Sam appears to be somewhat calmer, however, and tells Arlene that it’s all right. She explains that Sookie called and asked her to cover for her. Arlene recognizes the change in Sam’s temperament, and encourages it.

Back at Bill’s house, Jessica climbs out of her hidey-hole to find herself alone in the house. Rather than sit home alone, she heads down to Merlotte’s and enters to the tune of Sex & Candy, looking exactly like the song says… while heads turn. She sits across from the lonesome Hoyt, who asks to join her after a moment’s hesitation. The two sit and talk, and Hoyt tells her that before she came in, he was just thinking, that he never met a nice girl. Jessica asks how he knows she’s nice, and Hoyt tells her it’s her smile. It’s true! She does have a beautiful smile. Aside from the mole; it bothers me, and is totally distracting. Hoyt says he could stare at her smile all day long, and Jessica, slightly crestfallen, mutters “Day? Yeah right.” Poor Hoyt doesn’t get it though. Hoyt asks her if she wants anything to eat or drink, and then goes on to sing the praises of the “delicious crispy baby” of fried chicken and steak. Jessica tells him she’ll just have a bottle of TrueBlood, B+, and Hoyt looks surprised, which Jessica takes for disappointment. But his face lights up, and you can tell he thinks it’s the bee’s knees.

Hoyt heads off to get Jessica’s TrueBlood, while she sits looking happy with herself. At Fangtasia, Bill is looking mighty negative while Sookie and Eric negotiate the terms of Lafayette’s release: the deal is, Sookie has to go to Dallas to look for Godric, with Eric paying all the expenses, and he’ll let Lafayette go. Sookie adds that she needs to be paid $10,000 and Bill has to come too, –which means Eric’s out $10,000, plus expenses. He reluctantly agrees, and though Eric tries to be nice and smooth with Sookie, she basically tells him she’d rather have cancer than like him. While they go about the other formalities, Pam tosses Lafayette into the room, expressing a little disappointment that she couldn’t keep him. Eric tells her she has enough pets. Lafayette grunts and calls Pam a bitch, and Pam asks if she can kick him. Bill says she can try. Ooohhhhooo. Before things can get nasty, Eric tells them “enough” and has Pam fetch Cho to get their car, while Sookie is busy comforting Lafayette on the floor.

Eric tells Lafayette he’ll see him around but Lafayette promises he’s done with vampires. Bill carries him off to the car, while Sookie stays behind for just a moment to give Eric a very nasty look. At Maryann’s, Carl is ladeling out the Orgy-Stew, while people dance around topless, and frolic like heathens. Andy walks through the crowd looking cranky, as usual, and Tara points him out to Eggs. The two are sitting in the hot tub, drinking, and talking about Tara being a lazy ass. Andy meanwhile, is still strolling through the crowd, more bewildered at each site, and the weirdest yet is a gigantic pig sitting in a little shed. Maryann comes up to him, and he tells her that there were complaints about the noise. Maryann promises to turn the music off, but before she goes, Andy asks whether she has a livestock permit for the pig… Maryann stares at him, and asks “what pig?” Andy turns to find the tiny house empty. Maryann accuses him of having a little too much fun already, and before Andy can get all riled up, she invites him to stay for a drink, and gives him her glass of whatever. Andy agrees without too much complaint.

Jason has been invited for dinner at the Newlin home, and Steve is telling him how, hating evil is really loving good; describing the “war” going on out there, –and Jason turns and looks, of course, and Steve explains the figurative war a bit more. Jason is soaking all the bullshit up, while Religious Fanatic Barbie serves them dinner, and all but crawling on her hands and knees to help Steve with his napkin. Steve tells Jason that his wife thinks he’s pretty special, because doesn’t “whip out her pudding for just anybody.” Would she whip out her pudding for me? While Jason feels all the good things God has in store for him, Jessica and Hoyt are arriving back at Bill’s house to “hang out” -cough, cough-. Hoyt expresses more than a little wonder at Vampire Bill’s house, but Jessica isn’t all that impressed with it. She pouts that Bill makes her sleep in a hole, but Hoyt tops that by confessing that his mama keeps her doll collection in his closet. Egads… Hoyt attempts to show her how to use a Wii, but before too long, they start getting all friendly and cute.

Jessica’s fangs pop out and she gets all embarassed, but Hoyt comforts her and tells her not to be ashamed of herself. Hoyt also tells Jessica he really likes her, so they ought to wait to do anything else, but Jessica disagrees; she tells him she’s waited too long already, pins him, and she gets that “rawr!” look in her eyes. Oh no! Don’t eat him! Bill pulls up to Lafayette’s house in the black Beamer that Eric loaned him, and Sookie offers to take Lafayette to the hospital. And here’s the big stupid healthcare remark, –for some reason, it’s in here. Why can we not have a show without a political agenda? Lafayette says: “Three jobs and I still can’t afford health insurance.” Excuse me? One of them is hooker, the other is part-time cook, the other is part-time road crew. Get a full time job, stupid ass, or deal with part-time benefits and shut up. For all of you out there nodding and agreeing, read a damn book once in a while, and stop letting television be your primary source of information.

Lafayette explains he’ll have his uncle stitch it up; Sookie inquires, “the veterinarian?” and Lafayette shrugs and figures if he can castrate steer, then he can stitch a bullet wound. Lafayette tells Bill to make sure his “friends” know that Lafayette remembers his time away as a a pleasure vacation. Sookie tries to insist that Bill at least helps him inside, but Lafayette says no, and goes inside, to curl up with a blanket and cry. Poor Lafayette. Someone send him some hugs and love. Sookie tells Bill in the car, that she is starting to feel differently about vampires, that though she used to be sympathetic to vampires who were judged and hated, she now sees more of their world and maybe even justifies some of the hatred they receive. Bill tells Sookie that regardless of species, all of them are capable of both good and evil. Sookie says she doesn’t believe that Eric is capable of anything good, especially after he tortured Lafayette.

Bill tells Sookie that he’s had worse sheriffs, and Sookie still doesn’t see how he can defend Eric, but Bill reminds her, that Eric saved her life. Sookie says she can still hate him. Eric replies that he hates that Eric may be putting her in harm’s way once again, and that he’s shown Sookie the way vampires do justice. Bill says if he could glamour it all away, he would, but Sookie says she wouldn’t that, because she’d rather know what to be afraid of, than just being naive. Bill tells her that he hopes she’s not afraid of him, after the other night. Sookie sniffles, and says, “I know there’s darkness in you, …and it scare the life out of me, but you’re right, there’s goodness in you too.” Aww, a Kodak moment. While Sookie and Bill are being all cute and sweet in the car, Eggs and Tara are laid up in the hot tub, while everybody continues to dance around drunk and naked.

A topless massage therapist enters, and offers to rub Eggs, and Tara pauses to look around at all the craziness; seeing that things are getting a little too freaky for her, she gets out of the water and goes inside. As she walks past, Jane Bodehouse’s eyes have gone black, and so have Mike Spender’s. Eggs follows her and tells her that it’s nothing but a bunch of people letting go and having a good time, “it has nothin to do with us”. Tara tells him “there is no us, if this is your scene”. You go girl, let him know! While Sam’s loading the last of his stuff into the Jeep, the collie dog from around the area barks at him. Sam tells him that he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye to him, and the dog barks again as if to say, “Hey, do that voodoo that you do and come play with me!” Sam sheds his clothes and runs off with the dog. Meanwhile, across the cemetery, Sookie and Bill walk up his porch steps, while Sookie tells Bill he’s a big softy; Bill carries a bright pink bag full of pink clothes for Jessica.

She tells him that’s “a lot of pink”, but that she’s sure that Jessica will love it. They get into a discussion about how Bill’s used to more traditional women’s clothing, with petticoats, etc., and Bill claims to miss his times, since more clothes equals, more left to the imagination, plus all that stuff took a certain amount of skill to unfasten. Sookie makes a kinky suggestion, –that there’s a costume store nearby, and she could always pick up some “petticoats.” Uh huh… As they’re entering, getting frisky, they hear a moan from the other room; Bill acts instantly, seizing Jessica and tossing her in a different direction. I guess no one ever says much about all the domestic violence, huh? Hoyt moves to get up, and Bill slams him back on the couch. Sookie scolds him, and Bill growls. Two of the exact same collie dogs are running on the dock, once jumps in, and comes back up as Sam; the other dog stays on the dock, and Sam invites him in too, but the dog runs off. Sam swims alone for a moment, before Daphne pops up out of nowhere, and asks him if he was just talking to that dog.

Sam asks why she’s out there, Daphne says she can’t sleep, had a rough week because she has such a hardass boss, etc., and, where any other guy would have been like, “Okay, you’re fired, good night,” Sam tries being nice to her instead. Daphne says that swimming looks like a good idea, and so on, and Sam says yeah, you should try it. Daphne begins to undress, and Sam, startled, says “I didn’t mean now!” But Daphne counters with, the whole, “the lake is big enough for both of us” argument, and takes her shirt off. Course, that would win any argument, naturally. On her back, Daphne has long scars, that match the wounds Sookie almost died from. And that’s where they leave us!

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Bad Things (Club Mix)

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In the beginning of the episode, we see Sam behind the bar with his big bag of cash, and he’s just headed to his Jeep when he hears Tara and Sookie start screaming. Uh oh, more murder in Bon Temps! Pretty soon, we’re going to have to start calling it Little East St. Louis. Poor Andy, totally inebriated, tells the girls to shut up and, stumbling and plastered, tries to take hold of the situation just as Sam arrives. He tries to console the women a bit, while Andy explosively tells everyone to ‘Back up!’. Sookie explains the situation and the discovery of the dead body to Sam, and just as she’s getting to the part about looking for Andy’s car, Andy hollers, “Someone fuckin’ moved it!” Okay, buddy, we believe you, gosh. Tara begins bawling to Sam, begging for it not to be Lafayette. Sam urges Andy to check for a pulse, but Andy sees something under the tarp that convinces him there’s no use checking. Andy shows Sam why, and we can tell that it’s not Lafayette before we even see the body; after all, he’d never wear a bra that looked that cheap.

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

Andy further lifts the tarp, and we see –Holy shit! It’s Miss Jeanette! Wtf is she doing under there?! Tara recognizes her and starts screaming again. Well, what the hell, it wasn’t Lafayette, was it? Further proof that women like Tara are impossible to please. The theme song starts up, and praise the Lord! it’s still ‘Bad Things’ by Jace Everett. The show just wouldn’t be the same without his song getting you in the mood for some dirty dirty southern vampires. So rock your hips and wrap your lips around your favorite bottle of TruBlood, and we’re ready to go! Sookie is listening in to everyone’s thoughts as we come back; she hears that Tara knew Miss Jeanette, just before Tara tells Kenya, the deputy taking her statement, that she never saw that woman before. Mike Spencer and his new helper are loading the stiff and grotesque looking corpse of Miss Jeanette into the van, while Andy is pissed off and wondering what kind of ’sick fuck’ would dump a body in a detective’s car.

Sheriff Bud Dearborn arrives and hollers for Andy, who stumbles over and gives Bud a quick run-down of the state of things, letting it slip that he’s been at the bar for “four to six” hours. Bud tells him that he’s overworked, and drunk, while Andy’s sister –the yet to be named Portia, –honks in the car. Andy denies being overworked, –but not drunk, obviously, and heads off to follow Bud back into the crime scene. Sookie and Sam talk while leaning against a car, commiserating about the latest dead body in Bon Temps; Sookie tells Sam she suspects that whomever killed the woman just wanted to see her suffer. Tara approaches and tells Sookie she’s ready to go home, but Sookie asks her how she knew the woman who was killed. Tara starts to get upset, but her defenses crumble and she tells Sookie about ‘Miss Jeanette’. Sookie pulls Tara into a hug, and encourages her to tell the police the truth; Tara mourns some about how her mother’s going to feel, but turns back to tell Kenya the truth.

Over at Bill’s, the proud father of a bitchy teenager is laying down the law: Bed time at 4:00 am, paper in one container, bottles in the other, so that the recycling goes out right. Jessica whines and complains, and when Bill’s phone rings, she asks if she can have one too. Kids! Sookie explains that she might be a bit late coming to see Bill, who offers to come there, –not so fast, buster. Sookie tells him that’s okay, it’ll give her something to look forward too. Bill looks over at Jessica and tells Sookie to take her time. Good god almighty, I’d think so. Bill is in trouble, uh oh. After the two conclude the quick phone chat, Bill explains to Jessica that he has a guest coming, no they cannot eat her, yes it’s his girlfriend, and yes, she has to be nice to her. Then we get a good old fashioned vocabulary lesson: Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t want her looking like a “slattern”. Jessica, clueless, as most of the audience is no doubt, asks for an explanation. Bill explains; a ‘lady of the… evening’, to which Jessica exclaims, “Awesome!” Oh yes, looking like a whore is all the rage! These days you pass a middle school, a high school, and a brothel, and you’ll have to check your directions to find out which is which.

Elsewhere in Bon Temps, the ever oblivious Jason Stackhouse reads some religious propaganda from his good friends at the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh my. But it’s not long before he leans over to cry for the late Amy, whom he flashes back to remember the fun times they had together, while tripping on V. At the station, an upset Tara is interrogated by a sarcastic Kenya, a perplexed Bud Dearborn, and a drunken Andy. It’s like the Three Stooges of law enforcement. Bud tries to be the voice of reason, explaining the real identity of Miss Jeanette; Nancy Something, but Andy starts hollering at poor Tara, suspicious that she’s ‘pullin’ somethin”. Bud pulls Andy off, and tries to tell him to go for the night; Andy argues, but Bud tells him he might be a suspect. Just as Bud’s working up to a good reaming, Lettie Mae bursts in asking what “they” did to Miss Jeanette. In the office, Lettie Mae asks Tara if it’s true, and Tara confirms that Miss Jeanette is dead. Lettie Mae sits, miserable, and chokes out that it was Miss Jeanette who saved her life, and Tara sits with her and tries to explain that Miss Jeanette was a fake.

Lettie Mae refuses to believe Tara, however, and almost goes into hysterics, telling everyone that Miss Jeanette cured her. The missing Lafayette shows up next, hunkered down in a dungeon-esque basement, somewhere, looking nothing like himself. He’s chained with several others, to a giant gear in the ceiling, with poles extending down, almost to the floor. Lafayette tries to catch water dripping from the corroded metal, but spits it out, once he tastes it. A man begins to call out, and each person must crawl forward to turn the gear, so that the man can reach the toilet. While the guy shits, the door opens and someone else is hauled down and chained, with a bag on his head. Lafayette scrambles behind a concrete pillar and hides. Another man is taken away, once the new prisoner is chained up. The bag is taken off his head and lo and behold! it’s the blond redneck from Merlotte’s who Lafayette punched after the “AIDS burger” ordeal. He’s also one of the guys who helped burn down Malcom’s nest. Hmm, looks like this might be a clue as to whose prisoners these are.

The two recognize each other, and the blonde asks Lafayette why he’s there, but neither know how they got there, or why. The blond starts screaming, but Lafayette tells him to shut up. Aww, looks like the two are becoming fast friends already. He asks Lafayette how long he’s been there, but he doesn’t know. Over at Bill’s, Sookie is telling him all about the newest dead body in her life, and Bill, the big softy, tells her he’s sorry she had to see that. Sookie’s seen more dead people than that kid from The 6th Sense. It’s time to grow thicker skin, and stop whining every time you see a mutilated body, woman! Now she’s whining about the ‘voices’; gah! Does it never end?! Wait a while Sookie, you’ll be blubbering and bawling some more in about oh, five minutes, tops. Bill tries to tell Sookie about his latest pain in the ass, but oooh no, it’s gotta be all Sookie’s problems, all the time. She tells him to shut up and kiss her; they kiss, but only for a second, before Jessica pops up to stir the shitpot.

“Well, hi there!” she says to Sookie, leaning over the railing upstairs, in nothing but a towel, and begins marveling over Bill’s shower. Yeah, indoor plumbing is crazy shit, isn’t it? Sookie looks up, and it looks like she’ll be starting her blubber-fest in, 5, 4, 3…. Outside of the police station, Lettie Mae approaches a brooding Tara, who immediately tries to tell her mother she was sorry for having to tell her the truth about Miss Jeanette. But Lettie Mae refuses to believe that she was a fraud; she declares that she’s “livin, breathin, thrivin proof that there wasn’t no fraud”. She clings to her cure, no matter the false pretenses under which it was given, and claims that Miss Jeanette being taken from them was God testing her faith. Lettie Mae expresses regret that her daughter didn’t “stay true” like she did, and that she prays for her. Tara tells her not to bother, and tells her mother she’s doing better than she has in a while; Lettie Mae then entreats her to at least pray with her for Miss Jeanette then. But just as Tara looks as though she might consider it, Maryann pulls up.

Maryann pulls Tara into a hug, being sure to make Lettie Mae feel like total shit in the process. Tara and the crazy pig lady separate; Maryann approaches Tara’s mother, shakes her hand, and then tells her what a piece of shit she is. For those of you who ever had any doubts, now we know for a fact that this is an alternate universe: If this was reality, and a non-family member attempted to tell off a southern girl’s mama right in front of her, there is no way in Hell she would have been able to walk, let alone strut, back to her car. If Tara was a decent southern woman, you know she would’ve punched that bitch right in the face. But noo, she’s totally brainwashed by the crazy white hippie. The two walk off, practically arm in arm, as Lettie Mae stands on the sidewalk alone. Bleh, someone, please slap Tara. Over at Bill’s, Sookie conducts her own interrogation, demanding Bill to explain the situation in detail. When Sookie finds out Jessica is only 17, she gets that offended, churchgoer-just-saw-a-naked-pedestrian look on her face, and asks where Jessica’s parents are.

Jessica, stunned no doubt that anyone can be such a moral tight-ass, asks Bill, “Is she always like this?” and Bill looks over with a faintly pleading look, as if to say, “Yes, please kill me.” When Sookie asks if Bill had sex with Jessica, Bill exclaims “No!” while Jessica in chorus exclaims, “Ew, old!” Yeah, about 200 years old, actually. Not to mention cursed with sideburns that make one wonder if they were ever in fashion, even 200 years ago? Bill explains to Sookie that he had to create a vampire, as punishment for murdering Longshadow, when he tried to kill Sookie. Jessica looks at Sookie, and a lightbulb flickers on in the head of the young dingbat: “So this is all your fault?” Ding ding ding, tell her what she’s won, Johnny! But instead of directing her over to Curtain #1, Bill sends Jessica upstairs for the night, who hollers that Bill’s house blows compared to Fangtasia. A hurt and slightly stunned Sookie looks on. Sookie asks Bill if Jessica could be responsible for the dead body missing a heart, and Bill says “No!” at first, then, a quieter “probably not.” Uh huh… Then Sookie goes on a long spiel about how Bill needs to be more open, and bla bla bla. Even Bill looks like he’s tired of the same old gooey chick stuff. Sookie asks Bill if he’s hiding anything else from her, and he denies it, though looking shifty as he says so. Sookie denies the pussy for the evening, and Bill pouts as any man would.

Sookie tells Bill she’s a lot stronger than he thinks, and we all sit back for a moment at her guile. Yeah, aside from her constant emotional diarrhea, neverending PMS, and getting almost killed every day. Yeah, Sookie’s a font of emotional fortitude. She takes off, leaving Bill to his porn and fake blood for the evening. Poor guy. On the news, Reverend Steve Newlin debates with Nan Flanagan, whose arguments are always more logical, and whose wit is definitely more “biting”. The douchebag Reverend accuses Flanagan of knowing who killed his parents, but she brushes him off. He concludes by inviting Nan Flanagan to enjoy a beautiful summer morning with him in Texas, and Nan tells him to give her 12 hours, and she’ll be right there. During all this, Preacher’s Wife Barbie, aka Sarah Newlin, cheers him on for the sidelines, and when he finishes, accompanies him upstairs, while they discuss Nan Flanagan’s fangs coming out, and Steve’s chances of becoming governor.

The two arrive inside a conference room for lunch with a bunch of fans and people hoping to get autographs and meet the famous asshole. The creepy guy who first met Jason in jail to deliver his Fellowship of the Sun propaganda, introduces Jason to Sarah and Steve Newlin. Jason tells Reverend Douchebag that he’s the most famous person he’s ever met, and that his father’s book was really making him “um… think… about things..” to which Steve replies that, now Jason must know that his father’s true message was love, despite what all the liberal wingnuts think. Another sign of an alternate universe; a world where the media bias is in favor of the conservatives! Jason declares that “it’s just like he says in the book, ‘I’m comin’ from the darkness, into the light!’” While Reverend Steve looks at Jason like he’s got an IQ of 4, the other cult member explains to Steve that Jason is new to the flock, but most enthusiastic about the message; i.e., he’s not very bright, but he’ll be easily manipulated. Meanwhile, Sarah Newlin is looking at Jason like he’s prime rib, and she want to fork.

The lesser cult member recommends Jason for ‘The Light of Day Institute’; sort of like, base camp for anti-vampire fundamentalists. He declares that it’s a wonderful program, and “if you’ve got the time and money” it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah to play cannon fodder for a bunch of culty vampire haters. Jason’s curiosity dampens once he finds out it’s going to cost $1200 to go, but Sarah Newlin tells him to pray on it, and wait for a sign from God. He agrees, and Reverend Douchebag pats his cheek, saying, “May his holy light shine upon you,” while Jason stares open-mouthed, as if Jesus himself were patting him on the head. Outside Bon Temps, Sam arrives at Maryann’s large home with his big bag of money, and Carl answers, declaring that she expected him last night. Sam is led indoors, and Carl tells him he’ll check if the crazy pig lady is available. As Sam waits, he approaches a weird sculpture that vaguely resembles a woman, and flashes back to invading a home as a dog when he was younger.

He trots through the house, naked and eating everything in sight, before dumping whatever valuables he can find into a garbage bag. When he approaches the weird sculpture, he turns and finds Maryann watching him. She questions him about what he’s doing there, and why he’s naked, all the while looking amused; like she wants to either screw him or eat him. Poor Sam, only 17, is sort of shocked by the freaky woman. He zooms forward in time to standing in Maryann’s living room once more, and puts the statue back, while Carl returns to tell him that the lunatic is asleep. Sam tells Carl to let Maryann know that he has something for her, and leaves. Elsewhere, a forlorn looking Sookie is sitting at the table in her gran’s kitchen, before she goes upstairs to look over Gran’s bedroom. All of Gran’s things are still sitting the way she left them. Sookie begins attempting to go through everything, but cuts herself on a box, just before someone rings the doorbell. Gotta be smarter than the cardboard, Sookie.

Sookie invites a man in, called Mr. Lancaster, to have a seat; evidently, he’s a family lawyer, and Sookie, perturbed as to why he’s here, asks if Gran’s papers were all in order. Mr. Lancaster tells her everything’s fine in regard to her grandmother’s things, but that he has terrible news. Apparently, her Uncle Bartlett is dead. Oh how awful, what a great loss to the world he is. Mr. Lancaster explains the circumstances of his death, which the police have officially declared accidental; when Sookie asks about ‘marks on the body’ it’s easy to see she suspects Bill may have killed him. Lancaster tells her that there were plenty of fish and gators in the creek where her uncle washed up, so there wasn’t much of a body left. Sookie, already disgusted, is then presented with a small inheritance of around $11,000, which makes her turn practically green. She takes the check, getting the envelope all bloody and gross.  Symbolism is a thing we don’t take lightly around here, Mr. Ball.

At the crazy pig lady’s house, Maryann, Eggs and Tara are lounging by the pool eating fruit and smoking grass, giggling; you know, doing hippie deeds and such. Tara looks at the painting across the pool, and Maryann explains that it’s the god Pan and his human lover. Tara wonders who she is, and Maryann tells her, she could be any of us. Perhaps giving a peek as to what the strange Maryann creature actually is, she goes on to talk about the Greeks and their religious philosophies for a moment, before Tara mentions her mother’s ‘imagined’ closeness with god. Maryann accuses Tara of bringing her mother into everything, and there’s a slight twinkle of Tara’s annoyance that Maryann was nasty to Lettie Mae. But only a minimal amount of offense, before the perky Maryann gets up to get more papaya, and the two lovebirds go back to talking about how damaged they were as children. Eggs, apparently, has quite the past; when Tara talks about seeing her first dead body, Eggs talks about seeing plenty of them. Jeez, guy, could you be a little more competitive?

They giggle, and almost kiss, after discussing their shitty lives, but Carl pops up with fresh towels, to ruin the moment. Tara gets up to go inside, claiming that she has to get changed for work. As Tara goes upstairs to change, Maryann calls Carl into the kitchen, and backhands him hard enough to knock him down. She hollers “Nobody needed towels!” Well, god damn, have a coronary, will you? That Maryann bitch is vicious, no? When I first saw him go down, I thought she’d knocked his eye kind of squirrely, but a friend pointed out to me that it had been like that in the first place. Poor Carl; destined to be a crazy woman’s bitch forever, and having bad taste in clothing and a lazy eye to multiply his misery. On the road, Jason and Hoyt are taking a short break, and discuss Rene for a moment, both finding it hard to believe that he was really a deranged serial killer.

Jason tells Hoyt about getting to know the folks at the Fellowship of the Sun, and even Hoyt’s smart enough to know that those people are a bunch of assholes. Hoyt asks what’s wrong with the church they got there, but Jason claims that the Fellowship is better, despite Hoyt’s argument. Jason states that when he’s there he feels as though he’s had a ‘calling from Jesus, or from Steve Newlin himself!” Hoyt shakes his head, just as Sookie’s pulling up. She delivers the bad news about their Uncle Bartlett, and gives him the inheritance. When Jason protests and asks if she wants to split it, Sookie demands he take the money, and takes off for work. Jason looks up to the sky above the trees, and gives God his personal thanks. Now he can afford cult-y Christian fundie camp! Yay! The screen goes fuzzy, and we’re back in Sam’s memory-land, where his 17-year-old self is having badly staged sex with a creepy, and chatty Maryann. Maryann starts vibrating and Sam flips out, rolling her over; Maryann tells him he’s not the only one who’s “special” in this world. Well, I can definitely say for sure that running around with pigs in the middle of the night is pretty damn “special” behavior.

Sam looks positively awful, sitting in his office, as we flash forward to the future; he snaps out of his reverie when Arlene comes in, telling him that she and Sookie are about to “drop dead from exhaustion”, with just the few of them there. She recommends he at least interviews “Daphne” a pretty blond she’s towed along with her, and asks Sam if she can start parking closer to his trailer, because of the dead body found in the lot the other day. Arlene thanks him, but still mourns the loss of 9 broken nails, as she heads out the door. Sam begins interviewing ‘Daphne’, (Greek mythology once again, audience, pay attention to clues!), who cites her only previous experience in waiting tables, was working at the Cracker Barrel. Oh boy. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blonde redneck are pushing the big gear in the ceiling, and starting a heart-to-heart chat. The only other person left is a woman in a torn dress, and ripped up hose. The blonde redneck is telling Lafayette about what an asshole he was previously, and Lafayette is trying to make him shut up.

The blonde redneck claims that it’s important that they talk, so that if one of them doesn’t make it, the other can get out and tell the world about him. Lafayette tells him sure, whatever makes him feel better; probably not the best decision, but why not? A few good reasons, actually, but whatever. The blonde redneck laments that his first major regret is letting his cousin’s girlfriend crush his head with her tits, which led to him being thrown out a window, and having hip replacement surgery. Now he has a “magnetic ass”. Count yourself lucky, buddy, think of all the awesome things you can do with a magnetic ass! Lafayette hopes aloud that the guy isn’t the last muthafucka’ he meets before he dies. The redneck urges Lafayette to tell him the things he regrets, and being a smartass till the very end, Lafayette tells him about getting trouble with his boss, for fighting with a bunch of rednecks. The blonde redneck apologizes for hassling him for being gay, and tells him, that if it’ll make him feel any better, when he was 15 he let his bunk mate blow him at camp. The blond redneck starts cryin’, and Lafayette rolls his eyes heavenward.

At Merlotte’s, Terry is in the kitchen cooking, while Andy, drunk again, walks around harassing the diners and drinkers about the case. The bar-wenches, Tara, Sookie and Arlene, discuss Jason and Hoyt drinking ‘Lite’ beer, –Jason isn’t drinking at all, and Hoyt’s mother, –the obnoxious, hefty Maxine Fortenberry, –wants Hoyt to lose some weight. Arlene states that Hoyt’s mama has ‘more chins than a Chinese phonebook’, while the girls look on, aghast at the ancient joke. Meanwhile, at Jason and Hoyt’s table, a blond Ellie-May type leans over the table, practically thrusting her cleavage at Jason, while asking him to drink with her, and flat out “bang her brains out.” Jason declines, so she asks Hoyt, but he wasn’t fast enough for her, so she takes off. Jason claims he needs to “stay pure” but if Hoyt wants to ‘hit that’ he can. Hoyt tells Jason he likes them nicer; no doubt, and you don’t want the clap from the first girl you screw either. That girl might be pretty, but she looks like a playground for venereal disease.

Two of the women Andy just finished bothering start gossiping about the dead “Rene Marshall”, when Arlene stops, and tells them that his name was Drew Marshall, and he’s dead, and ain’t never coming back. She begins to cry, when Terry stops by, slaps money down on their tables, and makes the two nasty old bitches leave, taking their men with them. Arlene hugs a slightly shocked Terry, who awkwardly sneaks a whiff of her hair. Awww, so cute. In the back by the payphones, Sookie and Jason discuss his trip to “Marlboro Baptist” church over in Baton Rouge. He tells her he’ll be gone for a few days, and Sookie says she wishes she could get off for a few days too. Sookie tells Jason she just started trying to pack things in Gran’s room, but couldn’t bear to put things away; Jason tells her he misses Gran too. What a sweet little brother and sister moment. No screamin or hollerin, just mutual love for the late Gran. Jason tells Sookie that he hopes God will let him know why good people have to die, like Gran, and Amy. Sookie objects, because Amy was a V addict, but Jason tells her that, when you love someone, you have to love it all, otherwise it ain’t love. For once, Jason says something smart, and it was Sookie who learned something this time.

The siblings hug, after Andy comes out of the bathroom hollering that he has some questions for Jason. Sookie lets him know Andy’s drunk, before she takes off to find Sam. Bud Dearborn and family are coming into Merlotte’s full of …something, fresh from a square dancin’ contest, that they’re carrying the trophy for. Woohoo! Tara tells Sookie that Sam is out back, but he’s been acting weird. Tara tells Sookie she’s sorry about her Uncle Bartlett, hugs her. Sookie isn’t exactly torn up about it though, she states her wish that people would stop dying around there. Over at Bill’s, they’re going through all the different flavors of TruBlood to find one that Jessica can drink. She whines that Eric let her feed on a guy with tattoos, and piercings, but Bill gets cranky and tells her he’s not Eric; she agrees… and so do we. I think Eric is hotter, personally.

Sookie heads off to talk to Sam, who’s sitting alone having a beer outside. Sookie tries to get him to open up, but Sam is in a shitty mood, and who can blame him? Sookie asks to leave early, Sam guesses why, and she starts to tell him why she wants to see Bill tonight, but he cuts her off. Sam is tired of Sookie’s bullshit, i.e., sitting on her backburner, getting his ass scorched. Can’t blame him, once again; Sam doesn’t get much play, from Sookie, or Tara these days. Both girls treated him like shit and dumped him. Sam tells her to show up early to make up for lost hours, and heads inside, leaving Sookie there feeling like an asshole. Good, for once, don’t be such a self-centered dinghead. Proof, that she and Jason share DNA. Inside, Andy is harassing old people when Bud Dearborn tells him that he’s taking him off the case. Any tries to argue, since being a detective is all he can do, but Bud is firm. Andy leaves, miserable. Poor Andy, he really is an asshole, but he deserves to be right at least once.

Back in his office, Sam sits drinking remembering his escape from Maryann; he jumps out of bed, when she’s in the shower, gets dressed, and uses a pillowcase to stash jewelry off the dresser, and a whole drawer full of cash, before he takes off. Maryann jerks him forward, back to the present, by appearing in the office doorway, saying that he has something of hers. She closes the door, and Sam, now standing, gives her the money. He says he doesn’t know how she found him, but he assumes it was the money she was after. Sam is backed into a corner, sweating, and clearly scared of Maryann, who squats and looks into the bag. She laughs when she finds out it’s money; yeah, plain old money. Yawn. Sam suspects that Maryann is trying to get back at him by luring Tara into her weird lifestyle, but Maryann denies that her being there has anything to do with him. At the bar, Eggs has stopped in to talk to Tara, and claims that he just wanted to see where she works. She tries to take his order, and instead, he steals a kiss! Aww, how cute, and corny.

Sam sees Tara and Eggs kissing over the bar, while Maryann smugly watches as well, as if to say, “Ha, your life sucks, and I’m helping it suck more! Neener!” At Bill’s, they’re still trying to find a mixture of TruBlood for Jessica, and finally settle on ‘two parts O- to one part B+’, when Sookie enters. She tells Bill she needs to talk to him alone, but he says that he’s kind of busy with Jessica. Sookie sits over with Jessica for a little girl talk, and lets her know that the next night, they’ll have some girl time, but right now she needs to talk to Bill alone. Jessica agrees, and heads upstairs. Bill is amazed, practically bug-eyed with disbelief that Sookie could get Jessica to shut up and go away in 30 seconds flat. But Sookie is in Bitchy-Girlfriend-Mode. Uh oh, Bill’s in trouble again; poor guy. Sookie asks flat out about Bill killing Uncle Bartlett, and gets the affirmative, which is her cue to start getting all emotional on Bill. She cries about the apparent ease with which Bill can take a human life, and starts heading out the door, when Bill says he won’t apologize for loving her so much, and so on and so forth, and then sex! Woohoo!

Bill does this amazing move, where he grabs Sookie’s skirt, yanks, and tosses it; it’s like sexual athleticism, and he’s a pro: “I’m taking your skirt off with my mad skillz!” Then there’s lots of Skinemax style sex, and vampire biting, and bloody kisses. Yum. There are also a lot more shots of Sookie’s boobs; another bonus. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blond redneck are the only ones left, and dinghead claims to have a plan to bust them out. Lafayette tells him to shut up, as Eric comes downstairs, with foil in his hair, wearing a green smock. What a flattering look for a thousand year old vampire. How is it that vampires who can heal instantaneously can get their hair dyed and cut, Mr. Ball? Eric tells the blond redneck that he has some questions about the three vampires that died in a fire, and hauls him up to take him upstairs. The redneck attacks him with silver and attempts to run for it, but Eric, looking fierce, grabs him and drags him down the stairs by his ankle, so that his head thumps off the concrete steps. Eric picks him up, and bites him repeatedly, making it look plenty gross, before ripping the guy to pieces. Lafayette watches from behind the pillar, getting splattered with the redneck’s blood. And that’s where they leave us! Yummy.

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1. Season 1, Episode 11 of True Blood
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. True Blood Season 1, Episode 9

Dance to Bad Things like never before, or at least I did, when I found out how long it’d be before the new season came out. I’ll be seeing my first episode of season 2 tomorrow! Woohoo! Maybe even tonight! Back to the show: Sookie is telling Jason everything she’s found out about Drew and Cindy Marshall. Rene thinks to himself, but Sookie hears him, wondering why she hasn’t gone to the police yet; she answers him out loud, and Rene thinks again how weird her telepathy was. Jason argues anyway, still certain that he’s the killer. He calls for Andy to get Sookie out of there, and Andy escorts her away. Sookie inquires about the fax, but they never received it, and Andy tells her that the real murderer is Jason. Sookie gives Andy the evil eye and tells him off proper.

Tara wakes up in a huge, soft unfamiliar bed, and looks around, half confused. She puts on a robe left for her in the chair, and goes out to the porch where a big, bald quiet guy serves her breakfast on a silver platter; literally. The weird servant type wanders off, and the pig lady, aka Maryann Forrester, joins Tara at the table to begin the hazing process. The thing is, I haven’t seen any of the second season yet, and I only know a little about the pig lady’s character from the books, and the subplot with Tara isn’t in them. So this whole thing we have here is totally unprecedented and impossible to speculate on except: this shit ain’t right. I keep expecting her to try to convert Tara to scientology. Maryann makes small talk, and the two discuss how Tara’s situation is an “opportunity” while the creepy, badly dressed servant watches them from the window. No doubt, adding Tara’s panties to his inventory. Maryann asks Tara what she wants, how she wants her life to be, and so on, but Tara doesn’t really have any answers for her. She tells Maryann that she’d better go, and that she’ll pay her back as soon as she can.

Maryann however, tells Tara to sit down, eat, let her clothes dry, and states that they both know Tara has nowhere to go. Why Tara obeys is a mystery, considering her usual belligerent tendencies. Maryann tells her that all she wants to do is help, and give her a chance to set things straight. Inside, Tara’s phone rings; Sam is calling, but the bald man is in the room, making the bed. He pushes the end button on the keypad, sending Sam to voicemail, pockets Tara’s phone, and continues making Tara’s bed, Aha, the plot thickens. What have these freaks got planned for little Miss Tara Mae? I wonder what sort of life etiquette can be offered by a woman who runs around naked in the middle of the night with pigs. Sam leaves a message, half angry, half worried on Tara’s voicemail, and ends the message as Sookie’s entering his office at the bar. She sighs, and turns away from him, clearly not in the mood for doggie boy today.

Sam tells her he’s surprised that she’s working today, with everything going on with her brother, but she tells him she’s not afraid of everyone talking or thinking about her. She also tells him she’ll need all the money she can get to hire a private investigator to clear Jason, and there’s the chance that she even knows the killer. Back at Jason’s cell, a visitor has come to see Jason; a representative of the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh boy, sounds like the Scientol –I mean, the nutcases have come to town. Jason sits up, interested in what the guy wants, but a bit wary all the same. Jason asks about whether they were just anti-vampire, but the man gives him a sort of watered down explanation of their stance. Like, the KKK would say, “we’re devoted to protecting the ways of Aryan and Anglo-Saxon culture” while everyone with a brain say, “you’re just a bunch of racists in sheets”. That’s the way this guy kind of puts things.

Jason says he used to hate vampires, but then he got to know one, and he was all right, until he got him killed. The Fellowship representative, tells him he’s wrong, and that he did a service to his species for killing the vampire. Basically, the guy is using pretty language to tell him that although the Fellowship of the Sun wouldn’t be caught dead encouraging Jason in private, they do applaud him for killing off fangbangers, in private. Jason gets a bit confused by all the political speech and puffed up vocabulary, and tells the man he has no idea what he’s talking about. The Fellowship rep, obviously not keen on Jason’s vacuousness, says, “That’s smart. Don’t admit to anything.” Riiight. Now he tells Jason they have a fund going for his defense, and goes for his pamphlets. The rep takes Jason’s hand, tells him he’s a brave soldier, God loves him, he’ll be saved! and so on. Jason looks at the religious nut like he’s cracked, before he wanders off in search of other convicts, er… converts.

Tara meanwhile, is inspecting Maryann’s enormous pool, before she sheds her robe, revealing a perhaps borrowed bikini, testing the water, and does a cannon ball into the pool. After her swim, she steps into the house to find a massive and “bountiful” spread of ever fruit from Eden, and soft guitar music in the background. In the living room Tara meets a dreamy black guy with a guitar, who introduces himself as “Eggs” because his name is actually Benedict. Well, okay then. Tara tries to give him the speech about how her name is screwed up too, but he cuts her off, and tells her that Tara is a pretty name. Tara asks, tactfully, if Maryann and ‘Eggs’ (hahaha, duh), are dating, and he tells her that no, he’s just staying here until he’s on his feet again. She asks if Maryann collects stray black people as a hobby, and he laughs, telling her that Maryann was right: Tara is funny. I never got that impression personally; an out of control bitch, a belligerent racist against white people, and so on, but funny? Not really. If you say so, “Eggs”.

Tara asks what else Maryann told him, and he basically tells her the short and long of it; that he was told Tara had crashed her car, and was drunk. Eggs claims that he too was a mess when Maryann found him. Tara allows herself a flicker of common sense, when she mentions that the situation is too good to be true. Eggs denies it, and gives her the, “you’re just surprised by nice people because your life sucks, here have some of the Kool-Aid Jim made for us,” speech. He tells her that “sometimes, good shit happens” and I’ll be damned if that isn’t southern philosophy at its finest. Meanwhile, out in the yard, the crazy ass pig lady sits in front of a large pig in the yard, and is apparently, having some trouble with her vibrator. It looks like she’s experiencing either electrocution, or her tracking needs adjusted. Either way, someone in the special effects department needs a stern talking to.

In his truck, Rene shrieks, and howls like a dog on Ritalin to Devil in Disguise, before speeding away to Merlotte’s were he sits for a bit at a table. Sookie comes in, and is immediately met with a hundred vicious thoughts about her and Jason, as well as the smiling face of Andy Bellefleur, as he brags to the local slut bags that it was he alone who nabbed the wily Jason Stackhouse, serial killer. Bud Dearborn gets irate and takes off, while Sookie stands, shocked, before Sam pulls her out of the crowd, and tries sending her to his trailer to rest. She refuses, saying she’d rather drive around, and eventually wins the argument for her safety. Sookie heads off to her car, but it won’t start. Rene appears at the window, and offers to take a look. After a moment, he admits he doesn’t know much about fixin’ cars, and offers Sookie a ride, and some company till Sam shows up. Sookie accepts the offer, and everyone watching is probably hollering at their TV’s right now. Whether it’s because Sookie stuns us with her inability to use common sense once again, or the typical movie ’shock’ shouting.

Terry pulls up in his truck, and tells Sookie that he told his cousin, Andy Bellefleur, that he’s known killers, and Jason ain’t one. Sookie thanks him, but Terry laments once again, that no one ever listens to him, but they should. As they head over to Rene’s truck, we get a close up of Sookie’s engine, and some important little lines have been cut. To what, who knows, but it sure looks important. In the truck on the way to Sookie’s house, Sookie tells  Rene, or Drew Marshall, that she can’t believe Jason gave him his truck. Rene tells her that he tried to talk Jason out of it, –liar!, –but Jason “wu’d'n’t havin’ it”. Rene/Drew asks if it’s true about Sookie, that she can really hear thoughts, and then tries to mask his thoughts with “think about nothin’, nothin’” and so on. Sookie tells him not to bother thinking about nothing because it isn’t possible. And yet, she continues to miss that fact that he doesn’t think with an accent. Oh wait, there it is, sounds like a couple of the blonde marbles in Sookie’s head finally collided and sparked.

Rene/Drew remarks that it must be hard on Sookie, “livin’ wit that” and she agrees, telling him that people think a lot of ugly thoughts, and that she’s used to hearing them about herself, but not about her brother. She states that Jason, her brother, is all she has left. Rene/Drew scoops a wadded up, hopefully unused tissue out of his pocket to give to Sookie, who dries her eyes. The camera followed his hand suspiciously, so while he’s reaching, we’re left to wonder if he’s reaching for a weapon, or just adjusting his boner. Which he might have done in the process of getting the tissue. Eww. He tells Sookie that he’s lost people too, by way of sympathy, but if Sookie knew he was actually talking about strangling the life out of his sister, she might have said something other than “Thank you”. Probably something with a “you” at the end, though, following with a bunch of scratching, and hair pulling. Because, you know, that’s just how blondes fight; it’s nature.

Sadly however, Sookie is telepathic, not clairvoyant, and so on she rides with the fake Cajun serial killer. At Arlene’s house, her two kids sit spellbound and terrified watching the tape that disappeared earlier in the season, of Maudette getting rapidly screwed by the bald vampire who makes a lot of weird noises during sex. Arlene enters, appears to have a mild stroke, and snatches the remote away with a “What the hell are you watchin’?!” She asks her kids where they found the tape, and after some cajoling accompanied with the evil glare of a severely pissed off parent, they tell her it’s Rene’s, and that they found it in the garage. Arlene goes through the toolbox the kids apparently took the tape from, and finds tapes labeled with several names; no doubt Maudette’s taped debasement. She also finds a cassette tape labeled “Cajun Dialect for Actors”. Oh no, might the wedding be off?! Say it ain’t so!

Sookie and Rene are just arriving back at her gran’s house, and both agree that the house is too hot to handle, so Sookie tells her murderer to relax, kick back, while she gets him an ice tea. Rene switches on the fan, the one he’d previously hung Sookie’s cat Tina from, and leans against the parlor entrance, surveying the room, and seeing the shotgun Sam had been loading the other night. Oooh. Back at the bar, Lafayette is cleaning tables and complaining about the backwoods assholes not liking his cooking, before he finds Rene/Drew’s vest, and tosses it to Sam for Lost and Found. Sam takes a whiff of it, and smells Dawn’s sheets; you know, the ones he was wallerin’ around in after she’d been dead on them for a while? Yeah, those. Yummy. Sam flips, and runs off, looking for Sookie. Her car’s parked in the lot still, but Terry is there, smoking, and Sam asks, more than a little excited, where she is. Terry tells him she headed off with Rene, and Sam takes off at a run through the woods.

In the kitchen at Sookie’s, when she asks if Rene takes his tea sweet, he pops up and tells her ‘yes, ma’am’ right before he starts having flashbacks of stabbing Gran in the kitchen. Oh boy. Sookie drops the pitcher of tea, and Rene/Drew/deranged psychopath, offers to help/murder her in cold blood. Sookie declines his friendly offer, and heads off to find a mop/firearm, while Rene/Drew follows, looking ready to rumble. Sookie grabs the gun, and the resident psychopath tells her she won’t shoot him. Apparently, this isn’t bravado, but sheer fact. Rene has removed the shells, but his nasty thoughts freak him out long enough for Sookie to use the gun like a bat and his head like a shiny new baseball. Unfortunately, Rene’s head does not pop off and fly towards centerfield, but Sookie sure tries like hell to run her bases anyway. Annnnd, she’s off, with the psycho close behind! Sookie flings the shotgun into the bushes, and heads towards the cemetery, while Rene stands on the porch calling her names.

Oddly, Rene/Drew with a plain accent sounds weird and wrong to the ears, like, maybe the actor is Creole/Cajun, or maybe we’re just so used to hearing him with an accent that it’s kind of a shock to hear him without it? Either way, he’s pissed, and catching up, while he thinks of murdering his sister. He flashes back to his sister in the bathroom, trying to cover up vampire bite marks. He tells her she can’t cover up what she’s done, and Cindy calls him a freak for watching her. Back to the high speed chase through the woods, Sookie in the lead, but psycho close on her tail. Psycho flashback again; Drew as we know him now, calls his sister a freak, loudly, and preceded by “fuckin” a few times, before Cindy tells him to get the fuck out. Sookie continues watching Drew murder his sister, in Dolby digital for the mind, and then Maudette, then Dawn, then Amy, while Drew flips out and hollers about Sookie rummaging through his mind and watching his disgusting home videos.

Sookie takes advantage of Drew’s pause for mental clarity, and looks for somewhere to hide in the cemetery. Bill is shaken awake by the sounds of Sookie in distress, just as Sam arrives in a Jeep, parking and coming out of the car in a run. He bolts into the house, sees Rene/Drew’s belt on the floor and a trail of blood leading out the door. He runs back to the porch, takes a deep breath, and runs towards the smell of blonde about to be dead. He strips on the way, so maybe he’s going to turn into something slightly more formidable than a house pet? Bill meanwhile, has crawled out of his hidey hole, and into the searing sunlight throughout his home, to help Sookie. Blisters and burns bubble all over his face and skin, and by the time he opens the door he’s groaning in pain, and looking like the worst thing a burn ward has ever seen. Determined, he ventures outside, and ambles off the porch. Also determined, Rene/Drew the Psycho-Killer, is still jogging around looking for Sookie.

Apparently, not the brightest of fiends, he hollers for Sookie and tries to seduce her with the promise of being friends. Sookie might be thick, but she isn’t retarded; then again, she is hiding in an open grave. As Rene approaches her spot, he’s thinking some pretty graphic things, that Sookie overhears from her spot in the ground. Then he thinks he lost her, and that he ought to go back in the woods to check. Up she pops, right into the waiting claws of an angry psycho. He hauls her up, and plops her down, and Sookie’s head smacks the back of a tombstone, before the front of her head meets the lunatic’s fist a couple times, as he thoroughly scolds and strangles her for being a vampire fucking bitch. Bill, bald now and charred, is stumbling through the daylight, towards the sound of screaming, and choking Sookie and screaming crazy ass Rene/Drew.

Sookie starts to slump into unconsciousness, just as Lassie, oh, I mean Sam, rushes in and jump on his back. The psycho picks up a statue of Mary and cracks the poor doggie one good one. Sam the Super Dog goes down, and Rene stands, looking a little pleased with himself, and begins drop kicking the animal, who then turns into a naked Sam. That freaks him out more than a little, and he begins kicking the unconscious, naked shapeshifter quite passionately, demanding a to know “what the fuck” he is. Bill, ambling down the hill in charbroiled zombie mode, calls for Sookie who immediately wakes up, grabs a shovel, and smacks the back of Rene/Drew’s head hard enough to knock him forward, on his face. But he’s not done yet; he hollers, grabs Sookie’s ankle, and she primes up with the shovel in the classic “I’m about to cut yer fuckin’ head off with this ‘ere shovel” move. She doesn’t quite cut his head off, he’s more like the southern equivalent of J.K. Rowling’s character “Nearly Headless Nick”. Rene/Drew is now “Nearly Headless Dick”.

Just as Sam approaches Sookie, the two remember that Bill is sizzling nearby, looking quite overdone. Sookie rushes to his side, and Bill, still alive, manages to whisper that he’s sorry. Sookie begins to bawl, and Sam rushes over, declaring that they have to get Bill out of the light. Um… duh? Sam carries Bill to the open grave, and buries him. All this, by the way, he does in the nude, which would be hot if the circumstances were different. Well, yeah, it’s still hot. Sookie wakes up later, her face varying shades of purple, to Tara, Lafayette, and Sam looking over her like the characters in the final scenes of the Wizard of Oz. Sookie tells Tara how pretty she looks, that it’s like, “someone turned a light on under her skin”. Sam basically states that the reason Sookie sounds like she’s on drugs, is because she is. Sookie tells them that Sam saved her, and turned into a dog, and Lafayette mentions he could use some drugs like that. That’s when Sam pretty much breaks up the party, and clears them out.

Sookie tells Sam what a good man he is, and Tara looks away, upset, but then Arlene runs in with flowers, while Sookie is laying there with tears on her severely fucked up face. Arlene bursts into tears, and offers a confused Sookie the flowers while Sam leans to try to comfort the traumatized woman. At the sheriff’s office, Bud Dearborn explains to Andy what’s what and that Drew Marshall, or Rene, or whoever, is the killer, and Andy gets thoroughly and properly pissed off. Bud tells him to get ahold of himself, and that since Andy brought him in, it’s his duty to let him go too. Andy is obviously still certain that it was Jason who killed the women, but Bud isn’t having it. He tells him “right now” and Andy hunkers down, and goes off like an evil troll to do what he was told.

In his cell, Jason asks Andy for a magazine because his brochure the Fellowship of the Sun is putting him to sleep, but Andy tells him to get out of there. Jason asks if it’s a trick or something, but Andy practically roars back that it’s a “god damn miracle”. Jason, no doubt coated in previously airborn Andy spit, looks up into the fluorescent bulb of his cell like he has been in fact, showered with God’s praise, instead of Andy’s drool. Oh boy. In Sookie’s living room, Arlene paces, still half crying, and asking to be forgiven for not knowing Rene/Drew was a freak from Hell, repeatedly. Arlene’s more than plenty shocked herself, that she brought him round her kids, slept with him, and so on, without knowing he was nuts, but Sookie sympathizes; even she didn’t know. Arlene asks Sookie to promise her though, that the next guy she dates, will receive a thorough mind scan from Sookie. She tries to tell Arlene that’s not how it works, but she still demands a promise from the more than a little confused near murder victim. Ah, those demanding redheads.

Arlene asks if Bill will be okay, and Sookie begins to cry, before telling Arlene, “I don’t think so”. Arlene tries to soothe her, while Lafayette leaves Tara and Sam alone on the porch to make sure Terry isn’t “PTSD’in’ all over the clam chowder”. Tara and Sam stand awkwardly apart, before Sam asks where Tara was, and explains that he left her messages. Tara, unconcerned that she hasn’t actually received any messages, tells him so, and that they don’t have to go into anything now, because of what just happened with Sookie, thanking him for being there. Sam presses ahead though, telling Tara how worried he was, and Tara says, “I’m sure you were,” still in that casual, passive voice that seems to say, “I don’t give a shit”. Maryann pulls up, and Tara goes to leave, after telling Sam that he’s amazing, he deserves everything he wants, and “so do I”. She kisses him and heads off, as Maryann approaches. Apparently, Sam knows the crazy pig lady, and asks her what the hell she’s doing there.

Maryann asks him if he really thought she wouldn’t find him, and calls poor Sam a silly dog, with a nasty little grin, and heads back to her car. Arlene is still sitting, telling Sookie she’s sorry, and that she should have known because there were things he liked to do in bed that were… yeah, anyway, before she can say anything more appalling, Jason comes in the house to check on Sookie. He hugs her, and tells her how happy he is to see her, before Sookie reminds him that she’s bruised all over and he’s squeezing her. Aww, it’s a cute little brotherly error. Another good ones is coming up, right when Jason tells Sookie that if he was still alive he’d fuckin kill him again. Arlene, looking miserable, excuses herself to cry. Jason tells Sookie that while he was in jail, he thought of all the stupid things he’d done, and Sookie, though drug addled, remarks that it must have kept him busy. The insult flies over Jason’s head as he goes on, and tells Sookie that he thought all he was good at was drinkin’ and chasin’ women, but Sookie says ‘that’s not true’. She tries to think of something else, but comes up with football, and Jason denies it, since he wasn’t good enough for a scholarship.

Jason goes on to say that all he could think was that his life wasn’t worth nothin’, and that all he could think to do was end it. Sookie begins to get concerned, but Jason interrupts and tells her that that’s when he was saved, and given another chance. He goes on to say that God made all of it happen for a reason, but when Sookie asks what the reason was, Jason admits he doesn’t know. But that he does know he was meant to do somethin’ important, and he kisses Sookie on the head, before assuring her that from now on, he’s gonna take good care of her. Sookie tells him she’d rather he just took care of himself, and stayed out of trouble. He says he will, and he stumbles off, nearly tripping over the coffee table, before assuring her from the foyer that he’s good. Jason is such a sweety, it’s a damn shame that he was born with even fewer brains than Sookie. She laughs softly as he manages to make it out of the room without killing himself.

Lafayette, back at Merlotte’s is taking out the garbage, bitching prissily about folks leaving garbage by the side of the dumpster, while something watches from the woods, then rushes up and pounces on him. Sookie is watching The Little Princess (the Shirley Temple version), while sitting up, looking lethargic, and much the worse for wear. Meanwhile, something speeds toward her house and onto the porch. As Sookie watches, the doorbell rings. She answers, and it’s Bill. Sookie, breathless, exclaims “You’re alive” and Bill, ever the wit, says, “Well, technically no,” but to hell with it, he’s not as dead as he looked earlier, so yaaay! He tells Sookie he fed, and she invites him in. He accepts, she closes the door. When Bill sees the condition she’s in, he immediately goes to bite his wrist, in order to give her blood, so that she’ll heal faster. But Sookie stops him, and tells him she just wants to feel human right now. Fuck that, I’d be like, “Okay, and did you bring any vicodin?”

Bill tries to tell Sookie that he failed her, and that he couldn’t protect her, but Sookie cuts him off, and tells him her life is “too short for all that”. They kiss and make up, thank god. Two weeks later, the staff at Merlotte’s stands around watching the news report that vampire marriage has been legalized in Vermont. Arlene pokes at Sookie and tells her now she and Bill can get hitched. Sookie blushes and her that Bill hasn’t even asked her yet. Sam goes off on a tangent about how she should marry Bill because the party would put Arlene’s to shame, and so on. Sookie stomps off, and Tara goes to Sam to lecture him on his broken tact-o-meter. She tries quoting Maryann, but Sam, who already knows the crazy bitch, doesn’t want to hear it. He asks about Lafayette instead, and mentions he’s about to lose his job. Tara tells Sam that Lafayette once disappeared to be a Go-Go dancer, so apparently, Lafayette is full of surprises. Sam mutter “fantastic” and heads off to be grumpy.

Terry and Arlene are the only ones left standing at the bar. He tells her that people never really disappear, that the good parts just stay put. Arlene, looking plenty sad, tells him she hopes he’s right. Terry in turn, compliments her hairstyle saying that it, “looks like a sunset after a bomb went off”, reassuring her after the bizarre compliment that he means, “pretty”. Arlene grins a little, hesitantly, and touches her hair. Over at the Fellowship of the Sun, people are sitting in pews listening to bullshit stream forth from the man at the podium. And standing near the front row applauding is Jason Stackhouse, who leans over to kiss his new friend’s head. At Merlotte’s, Tara is cutting a forlorn Andy off, who grouses that once, the Bellefleurs practically owned Bon Temps, even the ground the bar was built on. Tara obliges, and pours his own last drink, his “pity party” as she calls it. She starts spouting her happy go lucky shit to Andy but he tells her to save, before they have their mutual last double of Scotch.

Sookie, stylin’ and profilin’ with loose curls takes Hoyt a beer and burger, when he asks where Vampire Bill is, and if he’s off celebrating at a vampire party. Sookie tells him they’re celebrating later, together. Hoyt says he doesn’t buy into all the talk, and says if he met a nice vampire girl, he’d be proud to have her on his arm. Sookie laughs when Hoyt asks if Bill knows anyone his age, and goes on back to work. At his home across from the cemetery, Bill plays the piano, and Jessica zips in followed by Eric and Pam, who looks fabulous in a pastel greenish blue sweater suit. Bill asks Eric what’s up, and Eric looking taxed and pale, even for a vampire, says there are favors, and then there are -favors-”. Pam remedies Bill’s questioning look by stating bluntly that Jessica is extremely annoying, and Bill starts to tantrum, but sucks it up when Eric suggests he’ll take Sookie if Bill won’t deal with Jessica. That pisses him off a little, but Bill manages to clean his act up a bit. Pam rolls her eyes, ready to go, and tells Bill good luck, as the two head off, with Eric chuckling and commenting in a foreign tongue.

Jessica looks at Bill and asks who’s good to eat around here, before flashing fang. Bleh, I can see her as becoming extremely obnoxious in the second season. She giggles while Bill has that “Son of a bitch…” look on his face. At Merlotte’s Andy lays on the bar, looking pitiful. Sookie tries to get his keys, but Andy refuses, thinking that she was right about him, that he’s a pathetic loser and everyone knows it. Sookie tells him that seeing him in pain doesn’t make her happy, and she even calls him ‘Detective Bellefleur’ before she goes to call his sister to come get him. Andy, pouting, sort of comes to a bit and straightens up. Meanwhile, Sam is still stomping around the bar looking thoroughly agitated. He goes to his safe, and begins emptying it of cash, no doubt leaving because of that crazy bitch with the pig. Outside, Andy is looking for his car, while Tara and Sookie try to dissuade him from going out on the road.

Andy reassures them that he just needs his keys out of the car, but he can’t find the car. He goes on a short tirade about how the town is going to shit, before Sookie points out his car a little way off. Andy approaches, looking as if he’s trying to keep from puking, passing out, and falling down, all at once. The back door to the car is open. When Andy opens the door, a black leg, wearing red toenail polish flops out. Andy says, “that ain’t mine, I swear” and the two women begin screaming. And that, is the season finale! Woo! Meet me back here later, boys and ghouls when I get going on the second season! Yeehaw!

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Pam proceeds to tuck the two in, i.e. bury them. And for a woman in a sassy overcoat, fabulous heels, and pantyhose, she sure can handle a shovel. Bill snuggles up beside Jessica, as Pam covers them with dirt, and after a suspicious backward glance, Bill goes to sleep. Roll the intro credits and the sexy song that goes with it. I think I’ve converted so many people to True Blood after these many month, HBO ought to pay me. I have people who swear up and down that they hate country, looking for Jace Everett’s discography. Look out, boys and girls, I wanna do bad things with you. Back to the show!

Sam is pacing in Sookie’s living room with the phone, trying to get ahold of Tara. He leaves her a voicemail, ironically asking her to let him know that she’s not drunk in a ditch somewhere. Funny, because that’s pretty much exactly where she is. Sookie returns with clean laundry, and the two discuss the killer attacking her at the bar. Sookie describe seeing the killer’s thoughts, and the woman who died in the thoughts of the killer. Sam asks Sookie if she wants to call Bill, and Sookie tells him that Bill already felt how scared and in danger Sookie was that evening, and she’s certain Bill isn’t coming back. Aww, Sookie, what an idiot you can be. Sam peps right up to take advantage of the situation, of course, and begins petting Sookie. Although certainly not the smartest blonde in the South, Sookie makes an effort to disengage, by asking if he’s heard from Tara. He says no, and Sookie tells him good night. She stands, and slowly walks off, no doubt barely restraining the urge to have wild passionately furry sex all over her grandma’s living room. Sam loads a shotgun as Sookie heads to bed. If he can’t get any Sookie action, then maybe he’ll get some single action pump from his other, more metaphorical, penis.

Over on the far side of town, on a backroad at two in the morning, Tara describes her car accident to a female cop, which means describing the “crazy ass motherfuckin’ Paul Bunyan pig” and the naked woman. The cop, Kenya, doesn’t believe her in the least bit, and Tara tries to plead on behalf of her excellent driving skills. In Tara’s defense, there really isn’t any way to prepare for some crazy white chick naked in the road, with a giant state fair hog. Kenya thinks Tara’s drunk, and asks if Tara would mind a sobriety test, to which she responds, “Hell naw, bring it.” Ah, we missed Tara sooo much. Kenya gives her the foot off the ground test, and Tara manages to stare for a second before asking if they can try again. Presumably, she was having some difficulty locating her feet. Kenya tells her she’s turning into Lettie Mae, and that warrants a big “Fuck you!” from Tara, who asks to go home next. Instead, it’s into the cop car or cop SUV and off to jail.

In Jason’s basement, there’s a big pile of visceral glop where Eddie used to be, and most of it is tangled up in a lawn chair. Poor Eddie, but… ewww. Jason circles the chair, as Amy descends the stairs with a bucket, and a mop, and some towels. Jason, spouting profanity, jumps all over Amy’s crazy ass, and she in turn tells him that there was no other outcome for the situation. Why the argument? Why not kick the crazy hippie psycho out now? Well, because she’s pretty, of course. She thrusts the towel at him and orders him to clean up, to which he responds with a hollered “Yankee bitch!” and Amy’s comeback is “dumb fuckin’ hillbilly”. Sorry Amy, your social slur is geographically incorrect. We in the deep south are not referred to as hillbillies; that would be the mountain or hill folk, located further north, such as in Virginia, and the Carolinas. Try again, Yankee bitch!

Jason attempts to clean up the goo, but begins to retch. In his moment of weakness, Amy pounces, with spiels of “it’ll be all right, we just have to keep our shit together”. No, Jason, don’t keep your shit together! Keep your shit far from hers, and put her shit in a garbage bag, in the front yard. Jason’s meager conscience once again lifts its little head, and Jason shocked, mutters that they killed a man. Amy whines like a dog, and tells him that Eddie was not a man, that he was already dead, a vampire, and not to let a vampire come between them. Without Eddie there to plead his case, Jason submits to the leash and collar once more, and allows himself to be tethered to the idea that what he and Amy have is “beautiful”. And this is while they clean up a puddle of vampire. Mhm.

Sookie sits alone at the table the next morning, reading the uhm, phone book, I guess, and Sam approaches shirtless from the outdoors, to tell her “mornin’” and she directs him to the breakfast in the oven. She asks about Tara, and Sam still hasn’t heard from her. Sookie admits that she’s tired of sitting around waiting to be killed, and Sam floods the table with testosterone, though his shirt is now on, he assures Sookie that no one will strangle her while he’s there. Sookie tells him he can’t be there all the time, but Sam disagrees. Actually, he’d quite enjoy following Sookie around like a dog on a leash, and might even do so occasionally, as a dog on a leash. She shrugs him off, and tells him she wants to find the killer herself, before he finds her “again”. Sam asks is she’s looking up local murderers in the Yellow Pages, to which she responds with a sarcastic laugh, and tells him she remembers what the victim in the killer’s thoughts was wearing.

Between the two of them, they discover the girl was Cindy, and she worked at Big Patty’s Pie House. Sookie wants to go, but she tells Sam that he doesn’t have to. He wants to anyway, obviously, since he’s had a hard on for Sookie since day one. Sam tells her to eat so they can go, and she complies. Back at Jason’s, bits of Eddie are being poured down the sink disposal by Icky Amy. Jason comes up, and she asks if he’s going to work, receives no response, but continues with the small talk until Jason sweeps all the v-juice out of the fridge, into the trash and smashes it on the counter. Jason tells her that they are finished with “this stuff” and that he wants every drop out of his house, and that if she doesn’t like it, she can pack her shit and get out too. Go Jason, you tell that Yankee bitch! He walks off, slams the door, and Amy pouts, and sniffles before mumbling “Love you.” Aww, well, tough shit princess.

At Merlotte’s, Lafayette paints his toenails a deep red at the bar, while half watching the TV. Senator David Finch declares that he’s against vampire rights, because their blood turns the youth into homosexuals and delinquents, they steal the country’s women, etc. Lafayette turns four shades of pissed off. Why? Don’t you remember Senator Finch? He was the white guy that Lafayette serviced the other day, when he came looking for V Juice. Mhmm. Can I have Crooked Politicians for 800, Alex? Lafayette curses the television and asks Terry Bellefleur across the bar, if he heard what Finch said. Terry tells him he can’t listen to politicians anymore, or he gets a seizure. The announcer says that Finch will be in Monroe this evening, and Lafayette says, “That’s good to know.” Uh oh, looks like our dead sexy gay man is about to start some shit with the senator. Terry worriedly asks if he can change the channel and does so, just as Amy is arriving. Lafayette asks her what’s going on with Jason, since she looks a little “used up”. The phrase is “rode hard and put away wet” if you ask me. She tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Lafayette asks Terry why everyone’s lying to him, and Terry says he doesn’t know, and to look at the amazing shelves on TV. Lafayette says they’re “pretty” and asks if Terry will work for him tonight.

Elsewhere, off I-49 at Big Patty’s Pie House, Sookie and Sam are told by a young waitress, Harley, with a monotone voice that she doesn’t know of any Cindy but that she recommend about 9,000 different flavors of pie. Before she can recite the entire menu, an old black man named Buster speaks up, and tells Harley that they’ll have a peanut butter slice, and some pineapple concoction. Harley grins and says “Gotcha, Buster,” before scooting off to fill their order. Surprised, Sam and Sookie go off to talk to Buster, who says they won’t get anything out of Harley, since she’s new. They ask if he knew Cindy, and he tells them a little, that she moved into town with her brother a couple of months before “somebody murdered that little gal”. He tells Sookie and Sam that Cindy was strangled, and that her brother was gone by the time the police came round, and most figured either he did it, or he was killed too. Her brother’s name was “Drew Marshall”. Buster also tells them that people talked about Cindy, because she “carried on wit ta’ vamp’rs”, but that he didn’t believe it, offending Sookie by stating “what kinda woman would do such a thang?” Sam puts a hand on Sookie’s shoulder to settle her, as Buster complains about being giving the wrong kind of pie. Sookie and Sam now have “a name”.

In jail, Tara pleads with her mother on the phone, telling her about being in an accident, and drunk, and arrested. Her mother cries, while Tara tries not to. Outside, Jason is trying to get his friends on the road crew to go out with him that night. Hoyt is off to a baby shower, because he actually likes to go, “the food is good, the games are fun,” and so on. All righty then. Jason turns to Rene but he’s going out on a date with Arlene; Jason wants to come with, but Rene looks at him like he’s crazy, and tells him nah. Jason pouts and says “Fuck it” and that he’ll party on his own. Hoyt brings up the million dollar question: Why does he want to go out when he’s got such a pretty girl at home? Well, there are the obvious reasons, such as she’s a psychopath, a drug addict, a pseudo-intellectual, a hippie, and worst of all, has very bad taste in clothing. Instead of lying, Jason tells them the truth, that Amy likes V. Hoyt tells Jason he has to help set her straight, and Rene asks if she sleeps with vampires too. Jason tells him that she says she never did, but that he doesn’t really know if she’s telling the truth. Hoyt asks if Jason loves her, and Jason says yeah, but he doesn’t like the deal with V juice. He thinks aloud that she might already be gone after their big fight, but if she isn’t maybe he should dump her. Yes, yes, yes, dump her, please!

Right on schedule though, the friendly bad advice comes pouring in from Hoyt, and Rene both. Hoyt tells him that Amy’s the kind you keep, and Rene tells him he has to try to work it, but to go and get drunk first. Oh joy. The menfolk hug, and congratulate one another on their cleverness. At the Bunkie police station, Sam and Sookie are looking for information about the murder of Cindy Marshall. Sookie picks up on the thoughts of the cop, and tells Sam to be patient with him, because he “don’t think so clear”. However, when the officer spies vampire bite marks on Sookie’s arm, he is anything but helpful. He indirectly calls Sookie white trash, since he suspects Cindy was killed by a vampire, and he also suspects Sookie is a fangbanger like Cindy was. Sam calls him out, but Sookie cools the situation down a bit, and asks nicely for a picture of Drew Marshall. The officer tells him the photo is in storage and it would take months to find it. Sookie politely mentions with a big smile that they’ll go to the library, find his home address, and talk to his wife about Debbie, the woman from church that he’s sleeping with.

The cop’s attitude changes drastically, and suddenly, he’s all smiles and charm. He offers to fax the picture to the station in Bon Temps, and after exchanging pleasantries, Sam and Sookie take off. Meanwhile, Senator Finch is shaking hands with other politicians in Monroe, when Lafayette, looking fabulous and very fatale in a suit, steps out of line to shake the senator’s hand, and offer some words of inspiration. The senator, shocked to the core, twitches a little and poses for a quick photo with Lafayette, who thanks him for his illustrious views of vampires and gays, and warns him to be careful, since so many things can happen to damage a politician’s career. Oooh, better watch your back, you old bastard! At Jason’s house, he comes home to find a big candlelit dinner waiting for him, and a timid, perhaps sincerely sorry Amy waiting for him. Jason tells her the reason he came home so late, was because he didn’t want to come home to find her gone.

Amy tells him that she wants to be with him, but Jason tells her she “can’t stay if…” and she tells him that she did what he said, and got rid of the V, that it was all her fault, and that she’s sorry. The two hug, and Amy promises to “make it right”. Out in the woods that night, Bill sits with a pack of TruBlood and waits for Jessica to pop out of the ground. When she does, she’s dirty as hell, and howling for him to help her. Egads, have some dignity! Sam and Sookie are driving back to Bon Temps presumably from Bunkie, the same night, and discussing how “not simple” Sam is. Sam disagrees that he’s more complex than anyone else, claiming he just wants a good life, and a good woman. Sookie asks about his feelings for Tara, and Sam tells her that he’s trying to love her, but she won’t let him. Sookie tells Sam that Tara can’t help it, because of the way things have been for her. Sam tells Sookie that he understands, that he’s not so easy to love either, and she tells him he’s wrong. Startled somewhat, Sam asks for clarification, but doesn’t get it. It’s a universally accepted principle that, to ask a woman to explain herself, is like asking water to stop being wet.

Sam asks Sookie if she loves Bill, and Sookie tells him she thinks so, but “where is he?” She speculates that if vampire politics are more important than she is, … and then… “I dunno”, but that she’s also so mad at him she could spit. Right, so, Bill practically being dragged away by Eric, Pam, and Cho was just him wanting to go participate in a vampire club meeting? Hello! He’s being punished for murder, you stupid dingbat! If Sookie could be a little more self centered and inconsiderate, I, personally, will have a coronary episode. Here’s Bill, risking life and limb and soul to be with her, and Sookie thinks he’s just off having fun and politic’in’ it up with other vamps. Jeeez-us. Sam encourages this of course, because he wants to get in Sookie’s pants. She apologizes for making him drive so far, but he shrugs it off. Sookie tells him that one day, when all the weirdness is over, that she and him are going to go to the beach in a convertible, to bake in the sun, inevitably be diagnosed with skin cancer, all that fun stuff. Sam tells her it’s a date; oh goodie.

At Jason’s house, he’s just finished dinner and complimented the cook when Amy says she wants to show him something and that he has to promise not to be mad. As if we couldn’t guess what she has stashed away? Oh indeed, one drop of V. Jason is fully pissed off anyway, but Amy, ever the compromising addict declares that she wants symmetry, balance, harmony, bla bla bla. Basically, she wants to do it one last time. Jason reluctantly agrees, and the two swap both spit and the last drop of V. Meanwhile, Jessica is wandering through the woods sniffing the trees looking quite the lunatic, while Bill follows behind, trying to explain the transformation process. The obnoxious twit tells Bill to take her home or her daddy will kick his ass, but Bill grabs her, sits her down, and explains as best he can. Jessica pesters him with “why?” at the end of each of his statements. Instead of being forlorn and wistful, Bill gets a “Yeehaw!” and a little jig for his trouble.

He follows her and again tries to tell her that there are rules. While Bill tries to explain to Jessica that there’s more to being a vampire than being able to cuss, not sit like a lady, and killing anyone she wants, Jessica starts to whine. Bill tries giving her TruBlood but she spits it out, and goes on a tirade about how much Bill “sucks”. As Jessica starts to bawl, Bill gets that, “Oh my god, it’s a teenager” twitch in his eye. At the Bon Temps jail, Tara is sitting, thinking about how idiotic she looks in an old prom dress, when Kenya tells her she has a visitor. It’s Lettie Mae, and she isn’t bringing good news. Lettie Mae tells Tara that she isn’t bailing her out, and she can’t come home, because Tara is changing into something else. Basically, a stone cold mean ass bitch. Tara brings her mother to tears, and turn her back on her. Jason and Amy wake up, kiss, and start jumping on the bed and playing because they’re high as hell, and in their trip, it’s raining in their room. The walls melt away, and they begin running and skipping outside.

Someone creeps through the house, and finds Jason and Amy laying beside one another, sleeping. He takes off his belt, wraps around Amy’s neck, and strangles her. In Jason’s dream, or their shared hallucination, Amy disappears into the sky as Jason lifts her up. Jason wakes up, finds her dead, and begins to cry. He sits up, calls 911, and tells the operator to send someone out there. At Fangtasia, Bill appeals to Eric about what a pain in the ass Jessica is. Jessica says she doesn’t want to stay with Bill, that he’s a “dick, dick, dick, dick” but that she thinks Eric is cute. She asks to sit in his lap, Eric says no, and Jessica exclaims that they’re “fuckers!” Tested, Eric tells her to sit down, shut up, and close the door. Jessica obeys with a pout. Bill tries to tell Eric about “urgent matters” that need his attention, and Eric correctly guesses that he means Sookie. Bill almost threatens Eric, worried that his time away may have instigated an attack on Sookie, but Eric gives him the evil eye.

Eric says, “what?” in that, “I’ll get medieval on your ass” way of his, and Bill squirms a little like a kicked puppy. Jessica starts making a racket and banging on the door, and Bill appeals again, telling Eric he would basically, owe him one. Eric eyes the nuisance of a female, and tells Bill “most definitely”. At the jail, Kenya opens Tara’s cell and tells her that a lady paid her bail, and to straighten up, that she doesn’t want to see her there again. Did you get a good look at the crazy lady with the pig? Well, here she is, with clothes on even! She tells Tara that she’s some kind of social worker, her name is Maryann Forrester, and that she works with other drunks and psychos. She offers Tara a ride home, but she declines, and tells Maryann that she was kicked out, and doesn’t want anyone to see her looking like a three dollar hooker with a massive hangover.

The weird pig lady offers Tara a place to stay for a while, until she gets things figured out, and Tara hesitantly agrees. Tara is reluctant to climb into Maryann’s car because she “all dirty”. The weirdo tells her “don’t worry, I get dirty too”. No doubt, wallerin’ around in the mud with pigs on a back country road will get you pretty damn dirty. Andy Bellefleur probably just put himself on the nutcase’s shit list, by hollering at her to move her damn car. Tara and the pig lady drive off, while Andy grumbles about life and escorts Jason Stackhouse into the station. Sookie and Sam are curled up on the couch watching a black and white film, and Sam is laying on the “let’s do it doggie style” vibes pretty thick. The two start making out, when Bill bursts in, and dives for Sam. They fight, and get into it, and Bill hollers at Sookie, who hollers back, and rescinds his invitation. Bill is propelled backward, out of the house. Sookie slams the door in his face and marches off as Bill likewise turns and leaves.

Sam tries to dissuade her from Bill, and asks her how she can be with Bill, but Sookie tells him off too, and leaves him sitting like a moron. Tara and Maryann arrive at the huge mansion, plantation style home where the crazy pig lady lives. Tara, in awe and nervous, follows Maryann to the door. Odd how someone as easily offended by racism and slave topics as Tara is, would even go near a plantation home without any snotty remarks, but they go in and the nutcase closes the door, with some finality, behind them. Jason sits, melancholy in front of Andy as he spouts on about how he knew it was Jason all along. Sheriff Bud Dearborn sits by with his coffee, and tries to reel in Andy a little bit, encouraging the now meek Jason to tell them what happened. Jason tells the cops honestly, that he doesn’t know how or why he did it, but they keep dying all around him, so it must be his fault.

Andy accuses Jason of killing his grandma again, but Jason vehemently denies that he could ever hurt her. Andy complains about the absence of actual facts, and Jason tells him that’s all he’s got. He pleads with Bud and Andy to lock him up so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else. Andy denies, and says that he wants facts first, but Bud steps in and tells Andy to go ahead and lock him up anyhow. Jason willingly heads off to a cell. As he’s led back, a fax comes in with a photo of Drew Marshall. It’s a picture of Rene. The receptionist, busy gossiping, piles a bunch of stuff on the faxes, and buries the important clue beneath more paperwork. Uh oh. That’s where they leave us! Damn! Till next time.

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