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True Blood Sunday Presents: Real-Life Wolves Used in Season 3

Moonlight — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 13:00:37 +0000

Alan Ball, creator and producer of ‘True Blood,’ fully plans on making season three absolutely fantastic, so much so that he is bringing in real-life wolves to the set so that the animal transformations on the show will be as real as possible.

Stephen Moyer who plays vampire Bill said the upcoming third season’s storyline is packed full of the wild animals. “Yeah!” he told MTV News. “I’ve had to work with wolves. I like werewolves. I love that aspect of the show. It’s going to be amazing this year.”

The actor spoke further about the involvement of the furry beasts. “I’ve been working with real wolves and I mean you don’t get to do that very often,” he said. “We’ve got real wolves in the show amazing. They’re beautiful and huge and wild and they feel like they’re the size of lions. It’s unbelievable.”

When asked what part the werewolves play in the storyline Moyer could only say, “Well, I don’t know if you don’t know very much about the books, but the story is there is a guy who comes in to help Sookie and he will be a part of that gang. I don’t want to give anything away!”

Production kicked off a few months ago and Joe Manganiello was cast as werewolf Alcide. Vampire Bill was kidnapped at the end of season 2 and Sookie uses this new character, Alcide, to find him. In the book by Charlaine Harris, Alcide is summoned by Eric and he ends up having fling with Sookie. However, Alcide is emotionally attached to his on and off girlfriend Debbie Pelt, who will be played by Brit Morgan in season three. But so far the show hasn’t followed the books exactly, so we’ll see if Sookie and Alcide actually have this steamy fling. I sure hope so though, Joe Manganiello is absolutely gorgeous.

- Moonlight

True Blood Sunday Presents: A New Alexander Skarsgård Interview!

Moonlight — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 13:00:26 +0000

With season three of True Blood on the way we’re all dying for some insights on the upcoming episodes. In Tube Talk’s recent interview with Alexander Skarsgård (vampire Eric) speaks on season three, Sookie and his sexy nude scenes. Check it out…

Does Eric have genuine feelings for Sookie? Or is he doing it to get at Bill?
“He’s intrigued by her, for sure. When he meets her for the first time, he knows there’s something different about her and that intrigues him. He doesn’t care too much for humans in general – he thinks they’re pathetic – but when he meets her, there’s something about her. He can’t put his finger on it, but he’s curious for sure.”

It’s not just a case of forbidden fruit?
“No – he’s curious and he’s not gonna let Bill stop him because Bill’s just this little kid!”

Could Eric crush him in a fight?
“Bill? Oh yeah! Without a doubt.”

Sookie aside, is there anyone else in the show at the moment that Eric would be a good match for?
“I don’t know, man. He’s already got his Pam – even though that’s not a sexual thing, he’s got his partner. For sexual attraction, it’s all about Sookie.”

How far into the third season will we see them acting on the attraction?
“I don’t know – we start filming next month and I haven’t seen the script yet! I don’t know what’s gonna happen. But it’s building up…”

Alan Ball has hinted that the Queen of Louisiana will get her comeuppance this season. Will Eric have anything to do with that?
“They have this little business on the side so they’ll definitely interact more I’m sure. Maybe they’ll get punished for that – I don’t know. I know less than all the fans on the blogs! I try to stay away from the fan sites because it’s not good for me to read that stuff – it’ll just freak me out!”

Werewolves will be arriving soon. Should the vampires of Bon Temps be afraid?
“No, I don’t think Eric will be very afraid.”

We’ve seen you naked a fair few times throughout the series. How is it filming those kinds of scenes?
“It doesn’t really bother me that much. I’ve been naked in movies before so I don’t really care about it. I grew up in Sweden so it’s not a big issue.”

Where would you like to see Eric end up by the season three finale?
“I just trust Alan and the writers – they’re doing such a great job. I don’t know where I want him to go. When reading the scripts, I wanna continue to be surprised and discover different sides of Eric. Hopefully we’ll get to know him a little better.”

How long do you see the series running for?
“I don’t know – 45 years?! I’m having a blast, so hopefully we’ll get to do it for a while. I love this show and my character.”

True Blood’s third season is set to debut in June 2010.

- Moonlight

Vampire Diaries vs. True Blood: What your favorite vampire show says about you

veritas — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:52:44 +0000

You did the unthinkable; you invited them into your home, and they can return any time they so choose. The world around us is completely obsessed with the idea of the vampire; with such shows as Vampire Diaries and True Blood, two series that showcase hotties that arose from the dead, no wonder we are in the midst of the age of the creature that never dies. And to be completely honest, this craze is showing no signs of stopping.

If you were to poll people on the street as to what their favorite vampire show was, you would get completely different answers and for different reasons; you may hear what leading vampire is hottest and why or what love story is the best and for x-reason. No matter what conclusion you come to, people have their reasoning and that’s that.

Let us now tell you what your favorite competing vampire show says about you.

Vampire Diaries: You like change. Who doesn’t love a new generation of vampires that can walk among the humans in broad daylight while looking quite young for their true age? One more thing … you’re a bit kinky. Katherine had the Salvatore brothers wrapped around her pale pinkie like nobody’s business … after all, isn’t two better than one?

True Blood: You are a traditionalist, plain and simple. You don’t like to bend the rules, much like the producers don’t bend the rules on the way of the traditional vampire. A fan of this program is also quite pure, kind of like the love that Sookie and Bill share. All in all, you’re a bit bland to the taste but hell, no one’s perfect.

Where do you weigh in on the vampire saga scale?

- Bryce

True Blood Sunday Presents: The Latest Southern Vampire Mystery

annimi — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 12:00:31 +0000

The second Sunday of True Blood celebration presents a quick bite of info on the latest book in the series that inspired the show. We’ll eventually take time out to review all of the Southern Vampires series by Charlaine Harris, but for the sake of fun, –let’s go backwards! Besides, fans everywhere are waiting for the latest book in the series, –because it’s due to be on bookstore shelves this May! That means there’s only a couple months to go! Yay!

The official website of Charlaine Harris offers all kinds of awesome information on what the author is up to next. Last month and earlier this month, she announced the chance for fans to come together and question Alan Ball about the show, to be used in ‘The Sookie Companion’, –a project due to come out next year. But we’ll bow down and worship that bridge when we come to it.

Currently on the website is a free preview, eek!, of the latest Southern Vampire Mystery: Dead in the Family. Sookie Stackhouse is convalescing from her latest battle, and despite the general turn of events for the better, –things are looking pretty depressing. Her roommate is moving out, and the men in her life are as complicated as ever. The next book, even from Chapter 1, appears to be full of romance, heartache, and melodrama. Yum!

The previous book released by Harris wasn’t really part of the general series, but was still an indispensable addition to the books. A Touch of Dead is a complete collection of Charlaine Harris’s various short stories featuring Sookie Stackhouse. Some of the stories, like Lucky, One Word Answer, Gift Wrap, and Dracula Night, you might have read in other anthologies, such as Between Dark and Daylight, Unusual Suspects, and Many Bloody Returns. There are only five stories in the entire book, as Harris does not include her other short stories set in the “Sookieverse” that do not actually feature Sookie Stackhouse.

Altogether, a great couple of books were released most recently in the line, despite the anthology or novella collection being so limited. The other short stories that don’t feature Sookie can be found in other anthologies, such as Must Love Hellhounds, Death’s Excellent Vacation, Strange Brew, and others that Harris has edited.

True Blood Sunday Presents: Jessica Hamby

annimi — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 16:24:21 +0000

We really miss True Blood, so much in fact, that we decided that every Sunday, up until True Blood is re-instated as the best show ever!, that damn it, we’re going to talk about it. And what better day to start with, than Valentine’s Day? And what better character to start with, than Jessica Hamby? Her subplot is the latest little romance to blossom, unfold and well… I guess it isn’t quite collapsed just yet. I mean, what’s one murdered truck driver between lovers?

Jessica Hamby is Bill’s first, and only progeny. He created her as a punishment for his actions in saving Sookie from Longshadow, –Longshadow would have most likely been killed anyway for stealing from a fellow vampire, and Sookie proved a valuable resource in his discovery. But Bill isn’t keen on revealing Sookie’s special talents to the hierarchy of vampire society, so he kept that bit to himself.

As a consequence, he was required to kill a human, and create a vampire, presumably to replace the one that he snuffed out. Jessica was the result. It is also among the character’s unique qualities, that she isn’t in any of the original Sookie Stackhouse novels. She’s a creation entirely of the writers, –and most fans of the books and the show, agree that she’s awesome. Which, is not what usually happens when a producer deviates from the novel storyline in a film or TV show.

Jessica started out as volatile, and cranky, –you know, like any teenager. She gradually became a little more ladylike with the help of Bill, with Sookie as backup. Eventually, she met Hoyt Fortenberry, about midway through the second season. But with a maenad taking over the town and turning everyone into debauchery driven zombies, they had kind of a rocky dating ritual. Eventually, Hoyt’s mother, Maxine Fortenberry, drove Jessica to the breaking point, and she snapped, and bit the batty old woman.

Hoyt left, leaving Jessica to have a complete emotional meltdown. Later however, Hoyt discovered that Jessica’s instincts about Maxine were probably more appropriate than he thought at first. Maxine admitted that she’d lied to him about his father’s death for insurance reasons, and for her own selfish reasons, had kept Hoyt from accomplishing anything in his life. Hoyt left, and went back to Jessica, but too late, –she was already off feeding on a trucker.

Another unfortunate side effect of Jessica’s vampire character, is that she died a virgin. Vampires heal; so each time she has sex, she experiences it “for the first time”, at least physically, which means it will always be a painful experience. Hoyt, in his perpetual charm, explained that there were other ways to enjoy being intimate, without having sex. But before they could have any adventures in foreplay, Hoyt’s mama screwed everything up. As it stands, Hoyt is willing to apologize, and Jessica is off killing people. What do you think will happen with those two in the third season?

Cirque du Freak: Reminiscing & Reviewing

annimi — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 01:17:40 +0000

The Saga of Darren Shan, made into a film… wow. That was all I could think about when the previews first started popping up all over the place. I first started reading the novels way back in 2000, when the first came out. I never actually finished the series, because I’m one of those unfortunate people who have to either forget about the pain of waiting for a new novel in a series, or just go insane for a year. Currently, I’ve been experiencing some severe dementia on account of having to wait a whole two more weeks for the new Kim Harrison novel, and then another couple of months before the new Sookie Stackhouse novel.

One of the great things about the Darren Shan Saga is not having to wait; it’s my personal goal to collect all 12 of the novels once more, and re-read. A little bit more information on the books; they’re not exactly girly vampire novels. Actually, these books were kind of written for a male audience. There’s fighting, grossness, –it’s like a more adventurous, horror-filled Harry Potter series. Except that despite all the sub-par press, Darren Shan came before all the Twilight hype, and before the big vampire media craze to begin with.

I expect that when someone actually offered to purchase the rights to the books for filming purposes, the author, real name Darren O’Shaughnessy aka Darren Shan, or D.B. Shan, probably didn’t see it coming. After all, he’d been writing for over a decade about vampires, and other horror fantasy and teen thrillers. Why now? Well, so that the studios could cash in on some more vampire trend stuff, most likely. The thing is, there’s just so much more going on in these novels. The romance isn’t as stifling and melodramatic, and the adventure is keyed up.

So, the books, –fabulous, always something new, and they’re short. You can probably read a book from the series in one sitting. And once again, I have to stress a unisex appeal, –the girls go for vampires, and the guys go for the lack of romantic drama, and the action overdose. Darren Shan, a normal teen, starts out in an easily identifiable situation, –a suburban robot cycle that seems to go on forever. He has an asshole for friend, –and plenty of us have asshole friends. So it’s easy to relate to this aspect too.

The rest of the story unfolds when Cirque du Freak rolls into town. The characters in the book are just as colorful as those on the big screen. Less sparkly attractive, more grotesque and strange. The werewolves in this film don’t show off their pecs. They scratch their balls, and bite off body parts… that subsequently, grow back. The freaks are freakish, and absolutely hilarious. The vampires were led by John C. Reilly, and Willem Dafoe, –who seemed to be pretty busy in the vampire genre last year, what with his roles in both Cirque du Freak, and the Spierig Brother’s Daybreakers.

In all reality, the cast was fairly star-spangled, as it also included the bearded, but beautiful psychic, Madame Truska, played Salma Hayek, the hilarious and incredibly rude Alexander Ribs, played by Orlando Jones, Ken Watanabe as Mr. Hibernius Tall, and Patrick Fugit as the shedding, but sweet, Evra Von. The film, one could fairly say, is for a fact, good fun for all ages. Adults will get the subtle jokes, and kids will get the not-so-subtle, and the tween girls will get their vampire fix while we wait for the next Twilight film.

My Valentine’s wish is, that you guys will grab the movie at some point over the upcoming few weeks, –it’s available for Netflix on the 23rd, –and see the movie if you haven’t already. Try to experience it with a no expectations mindframe, –don’t expect the vampires to be lame, or the characters to be depressing. Reilly and Dafoe perform beautifully, –Dafoe is always absurdly enchanting, known for his tendency to pad his part and overact to the best of his ability, –you won’t be disappointed by anything other than his short time on the screen. Reilly on the other hand, performs his best since 2002’s ‘Chicago’. So please, just.. get in the coffin, see the movie, and you know… all that jazz.

Is it a Vampire? Or a Vampyre?

kate — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 21:43:45 +0000

When we submerse ourselves in everything that’s vampire related, we often find that the words “vampire” and “vampyre” are used interchangeably. But are these two things really one in the same? And if so, why the different spellings? I know that the very idea of vampires lends itself to interpretations of many different kinds but, are we really reinventing the English language here? No. There is actually a very clear distinction between the two and we thought that here, we’d break it down for you.

Quite simply, vampires are fictional. They are human corpses that have become reanimated and perhaps even dug themselves out of a grave. Vampires are also usually pretty scary because they’re really only concerned with killing other humans for blood. Edward Cullen, Sookie Stackhouse, and Elena Gilbert are some of our most favorite vampires. However, they are not real.

Vampyres, on the other hand, are very real and even walk among us on earth. Vampyres are individuals that believe that they have a real physical condition that requires them to drink blood at regular intervals. Whether that blood comes from a human or an animal is usually up to the vampyre and their close circle of friends. Some vampyres also use energy to feed off instead of actual blood. Unlike vampires, however, they are usually not reanimated and haven’t had to dig themselves out of any graves before they were able to walk around unnoticed. Seregon O’Dassey, Lady CG, and many of you are some of our most favorite vampyres!

So while you might find that ‘vampire’ and ‘vampyre’ are often used to mean one and the same thing, you now know differently.

True Blood, Season 2, Episode 12

annimi — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:15:09 +0000

Upstairs, in Sookie’s bedroom, Sookie is screaming, which looks all muddled and distorted in Lafayette’s vision. He tells Tara and Eggs that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg, now. Tara takes the egg, laughing like a lunatic, and the two head off. Sookie tries to get to Lafayette, but all he’s thinking is the weird old chant; he tells her to take off her clothes, and for a moment, it looks like he’s about to rape Sookie, –but thank god, his flamboyant gayness remains intact. He lifts a white dress out of a shopping bag, and tells her to put it on. He hurls her downstairs a moment later, propelling her by one arm, into what looks like Sookie’s living room, where all the women are done up in white dresses, and lo and behold, that crazy bitch Maryann is wearing Gran’s wedding dress, –Sookie is heartily displeased. The nutcase tells Sookie she’s going to be her maid of honor. Oh goody. I guess this will sort of be the quintessencial shotgun wedding? Cue the theme song! This is the season finale of season 2 of True Blood, and good god, we have to wait FOREVER for season 3! And please, O Master of True Blood, Alan Ball, please, can we have less Tara bullshit in the next season?!

Downstairs, in Sookie’s house, Maryann is attended by her zombified bridesmaids. Eggs is holding Sookie as she struggles to get away from the goofy looking egghead, while Sookie tells Maryann off, about just coming in and taking over all her shit, –her house, her Gran’s dress, her friends, –except Jane Bodehouse. Jane tells Sookie she’s always liked Sookie for giving her extra pickles. Sookie promises Maryann that she’s not going to let “this” happen. What exactly does she mean? Seems like Maryann has clusterfucked everything up plenty; as a matter of fact, in the scheme of things, it seems like she pretty much accomplishes what she set out to do. Maryann tells her little bridesmaids to scoot off, so she can talk to Sookie alone, and they take off, with Eggs following them at Maryann’s command. Maryann wants Sookie to do her electricity thing again; apparently, she liked it. Sookie tries, but can’t, and smacks Maryann’s shoulders in frustration. Maryann tells her, “That’s hitting me,” and tells Sookie she isn’t committing herself to what she’s doing. Damn right, committing yourself to hitting Maryann, in my view, would be taking a whole package of ephedrine, an aluminum baseball bat with nails welded into it, and then hitting her.

Sookie argues with Maryann that she doesn’t have any special powers, that she’s a human being, but Maryann doesn’t believe her, and demonstrates why: Maryann does her impression of a vibrator, and nothing happens! She tells Sookie if she were human, she’d be her mindless little goon by now, and asks Sookie again, “What are you?” Sookie, unphased as always, snaps back, “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” Neener. At the Fortenberry doublewide, Maxine is dancing around the kitchen and singing in a toneless growl that will surely be the biggest scare of this episode, –when suddenly, she sees Hoyt’s asleep, grabs her casserole of doom, and makes a break for it. She runs into a yarn trip-wire which jerks Hoyt’s arm up. He wakes up and runs to catch his crazy hag of a mother. Hoyt tells her that he’s going to try to forget everything she said while she was all zombified. Maxine tries to fight him off, throws things at him, and tries to run again, but he catches her and forces her back in.

Maryann continues her interrogation in Sookie’s living room, asking if Sookie if she’s ever felt anyone watching over her; Sookie answers yes, but felt that it was God, –in the Christian sense. Maryann tells her that it wasn’t the kind of God Sookie is thinking of, and Sookie remembers the night she threw the chain at Mack Rattray, when it wrapped around his neck and squeezed tight. Oooh, very interesting. Sookie asks Maryann what she is, but Maryann has no answer, other than Sookie is beyond human, with energy she can’t channel, which is rare but not unique in Bon Temps, –and Sookie remembers Sam. She asks Maryann if she’s planning to marry Sam, and Maryann looks genuinely offended, then goes on about how she’s marrying a god. Honey, we all thought that at first; sure, he’s a god, then ten years later, it’s lite beer, sex on an annual basis, meaningful relationships with Oprah, and if you’re lucky, it’s alimony and an affair with your mailman.

Maryann explains that Sam is just the wedding present, pht, more like the reception dinner. Gross. She starts getting choked up about how long she’s waited for this, and Sookie asks how she knows ‘He’ is even coming. Maryann is sure of it though, and tells Sookie the time has never been more perfect. Sookie tells Maryann that Sam hasn’t done anything to deserve being sacrificed amongst a bunch of loonies, but Maryann tells Sookie about how Sam appeared to her as the ideal vessel; naked, a virgin, and drawn to the statue that represents the birth of her god. Remember the weird looking, barely humanoid statue that Maryann drags around with her everywhere? Yeah, that one. Maryann reveals that Sookie is there because Sam will come running for her; so as Sam’s sacrifice, i.e., the cutting out of his heart, will bring Maryann’s special god, Sookie will draw Sam there, “running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.” Maryann has a hell of a sense of humor. For a manipulative, lunatic psycho bitch, I can sort of see the appeal in wanting to be super good friends with her. The zombie part is a downside, but sex, drugs, running around naked, –well, the music isn’t exactly great. Eh… maybe being forced to screw to the sounds of two guys banging on “authentic” drums from Pier 1 Imports isn’t as fun as it looks.

Maryann places a big leafy garland on Sookie’s head declares it beautiful. Right up until aphids starts crawling around on her scalp, sure, looks great. At the Queen’s high security fortress, Eric is playing Yahtzee as if he were being forced to withstand the torments of a thumbscrew, and looks even less enthusiastic when the Queen tells him they play to five million. Good god, by one million I’d be trying to drown myself in her pool. Rather than repeat every vacuous thing the Queen says, I’ll give you the highlights; she tells Eric the death of his maker, “blows.” How kind, what a nice sentiment, tell me, do you practice flippantly commenting on the deaths of other vampires that are obviously far more superior? The Queen has mad “intellectual” skills. While Eric tries to thank her, the Queen hollers “Yahtzee!”, and after her little outburst, she asks Eric what he said, then interrupts him again to ask him if he knew there was a maenad in Renard Parish, –the location of Bon Temps. Eric reminds her that is the reason he came, and she tells him he shouldn’t get involved.

The Queen tells Eric she told Bill a bunch of “hand-me-down folklore” that could be either “gospel or gorilla shit.” What an attractive female. Then she tells Eric, as if it were the biggest scandal, that she thinks Bill is monogamous with his human; oh no, what is the world coming to?! Eric confirms that Bill is in love with her, and Hadley speaks up, “he is?” but gets a deadly look from the Queen, and looks back down. The Queen tells Eric that she isn’t surprised, that Eric’s probably in love with Sookie too, but Eric denies loving humans; the Queen tells Eric that Sookie isn’t entirely human, and asks if he’s tasted her. Eric, with unabashed regret, tells the Queen no, and she warns him not to ever, because one vampire falling in love is bad enough. They agree that Bill Compton has a knack for finding trouble, and then she asks, out of the blue, –oh shit, –how Bill knows that she is making Eric sell vampire blood for her. Where the fuck did that come from? I guess shit rolls downhill after all. The Queen tells him that the guards hear everything, and Eric tells her that Bill doesn’t know that she is supplying it.

The Queen snaps up from her seat, and pins Eric, fangs out, and tells him, “He better not. I’m holding you responsible,” she kisses him all nasty, but there’s not really anything in it, other than a sort of ‘haha I can make your dick hard before I kill you’ sort of female dominatrix thing. Eric’s fangs pop out, and she tells him they’re lovely, –in comparison to hers, which look like big nasty tusks, –and she tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her ‘Queendom’ (now there’s a funny word), she can own his fangs as earrings. Eric answers that he understands, and promises to personally take care of Bill Compton. Before they can start getting all nasty on the floor, the dingy foreign guy clears his throat and tells Eric, “It’s your turn to make-a Yahtzee.” They sit up, and have an awkward moment, before Eric throws the dice, stares at them, and the Queen tells him he sucks at it. Well, Yahtzee isn’t the most manly game now is it, you dentally deformed pop-philosophic bitch from turn of the 20th century hell?

In the woods near Sookie’s house, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur prepare to ’storm the fortress.’ Jason gears himself up with a bunch of action movie quotes, the last of which is, “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” Uh huh… well, we can hope that he isn’t smelling it out of a paper bag held over his mouth and nose, at least. After some debate, Jason convinces Andy to storm into the midst of the nutcases frolicking around Gran’s lawn, –Bud Dearborn, sans the pants, singing into a sausage is probably one of the best scenes. It takes about twenty seconds for them to become zombified; Andy, the lush, goes first, then Jason. Jason grabs the first gross old hag he sees and starts making out with her. Egads, if there’s anything that might make you want to puke in your soup, that’d be it. At Merlotte’s, Sam approaches Bill after putting Arlene’s kids to bed in his trailer, and Bill goes about the process of making Sam face Maryann. Sam naturally, is a little resitant, but Bill indicates, with fangs out, that he doesn’t plan to give Sam a choice.

In Sookie’s living room, everybody is taking turns licking the egg after a swig of wine, and finally, we find out where the egg comes from. Sookie voices a question we’ve all been asking for a week: “What is with the egg? Did you lay it?” If so, licking it is highly unsanitary, and still is. Think of the germs, people! Does the word “mono” mean anything to you? Maryann tells Sookie it’s an ostrich egg, to symbolize fertility, and then the group forces Sookie to lick it too. Nasty. She should have asked if she could lick the egg first, and avoid having everyone else’s spit in her mouth. Ah, bachelorette party games; Sacrifice the Shapeshifter, Lick the Fertility Egg, –what will they come up with next? Jason and Andy bust in and interrupt the ladies, to announce that the vessel has arrived! Woohoo! Let’s get it started in here, let’s get several degrees more retarded in here! Unfortunately, no one busts out into a song dance routine, they just get all giggly and excited, and ready for Maryann’s big moment.

Sookie is upset that Jason’s been turned zombie, but the state doesn’t seem to have altered him much; he tells Sookie she looks beautiful. Sookie says she won’t be part of Maryann’s wedding, and the original bridezilla threatens to kill her brother if she doesn’t; Sookie agrees, and Maryann tells Jason to make sure Sookie behaves. They get ready for the long walk “down the aisle”, and Jason drags Sookie along behind him. Andy has the job of holding Maryann’s train, which makes him look a bit like Quasimodo, and Tara gets to hold the egg, yay! Outside, a bunch of nutcases have somehow managed enough coherence to throw together a small orchestra for the Wedding March. Arlene and Jane Bodehouse get to be flower girls, and Lafayette gets to carry the big bull mask. The rest of the crowd chants and watches retard anticipation. Bill arrives, and calls to Maryann that he has the sacrifice; Sookie’s pissed! Bill offers Sam in exchange for Sookie, and despite Sookie, and Sam’s protests, the exchange is made.

Bill holds Sookie, who struggles for Sam, and Sam hollers for Bill to get Sookie out of there, so she doesn’t have to watch him die. Maryann, pleased as punch, tells the pallbearers, or I guess, best men, that Sam is theirs. They take Sam, off to prepare the wedding gift, and Sookie asks Bill accusingly if his vampire told him to sacrifice Sam; Bill only tells her to trust him. Maryann begins the ceremony, and Lafayette places the bull head on top of the big nasty statue, that must really be reeking by now; meat in the sun for a few days? Good god, they’re going to need a fifty gallon drum of Febreeze. Lafayette hollers, “Worship him bitches!” and everyone falls to their knees. Maryann calls for the sacrificial egg, which Tara places inside the nasty statue. Maryann begins hailing her ‘god who comes’, then tells some bastardized version of mythology for the occasion. All you need to know really, is that they need Sam’s heart so that the god can be reborn.

The batshit men of honor carry over the wedding present, Sam, and they set him up; Maryann follows, and tells Sam how lucky he is to have a life that means something. I bet he feels really lucky right about now. Everyone else calls for Maryann to hurry up and sacrifice Sam, while Sookie hollers for Sam to use his gift; Bill pulls Sookie back, and tells her to use hers. Eggs takes the knife and stabs Sam in the chest, Sookie screams, and Maryann tells Eggs to bring her the blood. Eggs obeys, brings Maryann the bloody knife, and she traces a line of Sam’s blood down her throat, half-crying and gibbering about how Sam is surely the vessel that will unite her and her god. Sam calls for Sookie in his thoughts, and Bill lets her go to him; she cries and tells him she’s sorry, but Sam tells her to destroy everything, “all of it.” She goes for the spitty icky egg first, and smashes it on the ground. Too bad, could have made a great big omelett. Tara flips out, hollering that Sookie, “killed our sacred egg!” Sookie hollers that none of this stuff is sacred, then goes about pushing over the giant gross statue. I’m surprised she could touch it without barfing; the thing was probably crawling with flies and dancing rice.

The purple electric light comes from Sookie’s hands again, and she pushes over the huge statue of rotting crap, and then everybody goes nuts. Maryann throws a big bridezilla fit, and apologizes to Dionysus for Sookie’s ruining the offering, then decides to sacrifice all of them. She does her human vibrator impersonation, and makes that nails-on-chalkboard sound, which has all her zombie pals writhing on their knees in agony. Sookie hollers at Maryann to stop, and she does, because now she’s decided to kill Sookie instead. Maryann puts her hands in the dirt, and comes back up with big slimy claws, then heads toward Sookie, –who runs off. And the chase is on! A grunting maenad chases after Sookie, and both of them are in formal-wear, so it’s anybody’s guess as to who trips first, but wait, oh no, it’s Sookie by a landslide! Before Maryann can start slashing Sookie with her big, ugly claws, there’s a distinctly bovine, loud sound up ahead.

A large white bull trots out of the darkness; is it really Maryann’s god/new husband? Her claws turn back into hands, and she whispers, “My lord. My husband.” Maryann approaches the big bull, and touches its nose, –which is disgusting, if you’ve ever done such a thing, it’s not nearly as romanctic as they make it look here. Maryann starts crying, which is actually really sad, because she’s spent thousands of years alive, waiting for this; she tells him to come to her, then opens her arms. The bull walks slowly toawards her, then gores her with one horn, ripping from her belly to her chest, thus ruining forever Gran’s wedding dress. Damn. The bull jerks his horn up and down, which is pretty gross, because Maryann has black blood. Maryann tells the bull she is happy to die, and suddenly, the bull turns into Sam Merlotte, who tears out Maryann’s still-beating heart. She looks genuinely shocked, and totally miserable, and asks softly, “Was there no god?” Again, this is still pretty sad; Sam crushes her heart in his hand.

Maryann’s face instantly turns black, splits open, and she crumples on the ground. It all looks really gross, especially when Sam, who is standing naked, lets her black, mushy heart flop out of his hand. Sookie watches from where she sits on the ground, and back in her yard, everyone returns to normal, the black in their eyes disappears, and they look around, totally shocked to find themselves in the midst of various bizarre scenes of debauchery. Eggs looks especially troubled, with blood all over his hands. Sookie rushes up to Sam and hugs him, wondering aloud, the same thing the rest of us are wondering, –that Eggs killed him, so …er, wtf? Sam tells her no, almost, and Bill comes limping up the road holding his wrist. Bill falls to his knees as Sookie goes to him, and asks if Maryann is gone, telling Sookie that Sam had to drink more from him than he expected. He explains that he promised Sam he would heal him, if he went to Maryann, because they knew of no other way to destroy the maenad.

Sookie tells Bill she understands, and Bill explains that he wished Sookie could read his thoughts. Sam walks up, and Sookie, amazed, states that he was willing to die for all of them, but Sam says that Bill promised he wouldn’t let that happen, though Sam admits he was ready if things didn’t work out. Sam is now wearing pants, which is a little sad too. Tara and Jason approach, and Jason is the first to say “Holy fuck!” when he sees Maryann’s body. Sookie comforts Tara, and tells Bill to get rid of the body, and she doesn’t care where it’s buried, and tells Jason and Sam to get everybody home. Uh, hello, poor Bill is pretty severely weakened, and Jason can barely tie his own shoes. Jason wants to know what happened, but Sookie tells him not now, and hisses at him to get everyone off of her lawn. Bill approaches Maryann’s body, probably thinking, “God, I have to -touch that-, after I almost died saving a guy I don’t like? This Sookie bitch is high maintenance, I need to find a less demanding blond.”

Tara is still upset, even though everything’s over, and tells Sookie she has a sick feeling that it’s not. Hoyt Fortenberry is on his knees, hugging Maxine, thanking God his mama is okay, while she wonders how they got home. Hoyt asks her what she remembers, and the last thing she can recall is “meetin’ that redheaded vampire” of his, and then, –before she can continue what surely would have been an ugly speech, she finds the bandaids on her neck, over the bite marks Jessica left. Maxine starts freaking out and accusing Hoyt of letting a vampire feed on her, but he explains to her that he brought her straight home. Maxine starts in on a tirade, asking what kind of evil monster would attack an “innocent” person for “no reason.” Hoyt tells his mama that Jessica was “provoked”, and when Maxine’s head snaps up, Hoyt explains that he knew it wasn’t really her, and that she was just saying a bunch of nasty things she didn’t mean. Mm, I’m one of those people who thinks that alcohol is a tongue loosener, and what comes from your mouth when you’re liquored up, comes from the mind, –only the mouth is too stupid with booze to close. And Maxine’s zombified state was similar.

Maxine asks what she said, and Hoyt tells her that she said a bunch of nasty, spiteful things about Jessica, about him, and about his daddy, a bunch of lies about how he shot himself. Maxine looks down and away. Hoyt asks her if it was true, asking if it really was a burglar, but Maxine doesn’t say anything. Hoyt sits back, miserable, and his mother tells him he should know the truth, now that he’s nearly thirty. Hoyt gets up and leaves her sitting there, and hollers that he should have known the truth when he was ten. Hoyt goes on, “…or hell, when I was twenty-five! All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, you keep me from going to college, from doing anything! All because you were scared of some burglar that never existed.” Maxine starts blubbering, claiming she was scared, still is, that Hoyt is all she has left, that she had to hang onto him. Hoyt says, “You lied to me for eighteen years, just cuz you didn’t wanna be alone, instead of lettin me be an actual person,” –Maxine tries to take his arm but he pulls away, and goes on, “You know what I wish, mama? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.”

Maxine covers her mouth and begins to cry, but Hoyt isn’t taken by her bawling, and leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Back on Sookie’s lawn, Arlene is trying to get ahold of her kids, and Terry is staring at the flower garland on his head like it’s a poisonous snake, before tossing it away. Arlene is all upset, and Terry suggest they walk, but Jason offers her a lift. Before they go, suddenly, someone screams, oh boy, and it looks like Jane Bodehouse found her finger. Whoops. Jason takes Jane, and they head off with Arlene in tow to the ER, while Bud Dearborn, behind them, tells Andy to come by the station in the morning and he’ll give back his badge. Andy promises to never take another drink, and Bud tells Andy that he’s man enough to know that he can’t handle the mess the town is in on his own. Bud goes on to admit that while Andy has his faults, at least he’s wearing pants. A fire smolders in a bathtub behind them, and it appears things are coming to rights.

Sam looks out across the yard at a doe in the field nearby, and cries silent tears, thinking of Daphne, her betraying him, and what he lost; he’s alone again. Bill approaches and tells Sam, who wipes his eyes discreetly, that he thanks him for trusting him with his life. Bill understands that it wasn’t easy for Sam, who tries to blow him off, by saying that at least Sookie is safe, which is what Bill wanted. Bill reminds Sam that he wanted Sookie safe too, and Sam tells him that Sookie’s family, like the rest of them, and if there was a way to save the townspeople, how could he say no? Bill tells Sam he’s grateful that he revealed his gift for the sake of the town, and Sam tells him he understands now that he suffers a lot more hiding his gift, than if he had just opened up about it. Bill walks away, and Sam looks behind him to see that the doe has gone. Very sad; I hope someone nice comes along for Sam. Inside, Eggs is flipping out, scrubbing the blood off of his hands, asking Tara where Maryann is, who just assures him that them being okay is all that matters. Oh god, trapped in a nightmare without his pseudo-mommy, and only Tara there to explain things to him? I sure as hell don’t envy Eggs; not only is Tara portrayed as a mean, selfish bitch, she’s never had to deal with a whiny, sissified egghead.

Tara tries to convince Eggs that he doesn’t want to know what he’s forgotten, but he remains hysterical about cleaning his hands. Sookie appears in the doorway to inquire about Bill’s whereabouts, and sees Eggs tweaking out, and asks if they’re okay. Tara tells her she’s all right, and tells Sookie she’s sorry for bringing all this weirdness and insanity into Sookie’s life, that she just wanted to feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs her, reassures her that she is part of her family, and promises that they’ll clean everything up. Sookie sees Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and admits to Tara that she knocked him out. Tara tells her she’ll wake him up, that Sookie can go on to bed. Sookie thanks Tara, and leaves her with the downward spiraling Eggs. Upstairs, Bill and Sookie decide to snuggle before he has to leave at sunrise. The next day at Merlotte’s, Charlaine Harris is telling Sam at the bar that she “certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.” Yep, Charlaine Harris was at the bar, pretty trippy hm?

Tara tries talking to Sam, but he’s acting a little evasive, and Arlene has apparently ordered half the menu for her kids; Lisa tells her that they forgive her, but Arlene tells Lisa that she shouldn’t have to know what that word means. Coby tells Arlene that it’s okay, that Sam took care of them, and took them to see vampires, and “one of them could fly!” Arlene tells them that Mr. Merlotte is a good man, but he isn’t family, that she should have been there, and promises them that she’ll be the best mama ever from now on. Terry Bellefleur approaches their table, and presents the kids with toy guns that make noise. While this is an excellent way to make friends, it will eventually cause Arlene numerous splitting headaches, –so maybe not the best move, but sweet all the same. Terry promises to take care of their mama while she’s at work, if they take care of her at home. Sam calls Arlene and Terry back to work, but before they go, her kids ask her if she saw Rene while she was away. Arlene tells them Rene is still on his “vacation with Jesus”, –when she goes, the kids agree that Rene is dead.

Two sassy old chicks are gossipping about what happened; one thinks Maryann was a martian, who was controlling people and erasing their memories. The other thinks that Maryann was an agent from a pharmaceutical company and she poisoned the water with LSD as a mind control experiment, and that’s why she sticks to Mountain Dew. Sam approaches to give them a refill, and tells them that what really happened was the ATF shut down a distillery in a nearby town over a bad batch of vodka that was pure ethanol, and that’s what everybody was drinking last night, then tells them Mountain Dew is a smart choice. As Sam walks away, one woman thanks god for whoever made Sam’s jeans, and declares she’d wear him like a scrunchie. Well, lord have mercy, get a little more raunchy, will you? Lafayette looks over and comments loudly on how stupid everyone is, and with some sympathy, Tara pours him a drink. Sookie approaches, and he tells her he feels for her the most, because she has to remember all of it. Lafayette goes on to say he doesn’t want to know, and asks her not to tell him, even if he begs, and Sookie interrupts to let him know that Jane Bodehouse wants jumbalaya.

On the other side of the bar, Jane Bodehouse is telling some “admirers” how she lost her finger, and got it sewn back on. Apparently, she figures a gator bit it off when she was down by the lake, but the doctor figures the finger will grow back together since she has such good bone structure. Ech, okay. Andy Bellefleur grumbles behind them, from his table with Jason Stackhouse, that it wasn’t no gator that bit her finger off. He goes on to say she pulled her finger out of a giant statue of meat, and saw her gettin’ it from behind with Mike Spencer. Jane and Co. just laugh at him though, and Jane tells him they all want some of what he’s drinking. Andy growls that he’s only got Diet Coke with lime, but Jason clinks his glass to Andy’s and stares. Andy starts going on a tirade, but Jason tells him to let it go, and squeezes his shoulder. Jason starts telling Andy how they’re heroes, and it begins as a long, dingbat speech, but he ends it pretty well, with Jason saying that the whole point of being a hero is to do something greater than yourself, not for the girls, the glory and such. Jason tells him they’re bigger men than that, and hopefully, Andy’s convinced.

In back, Sookie is pumping mustard, which sounds raunchier than it is, when Sam approaches and asks her if she can keep an eye on the bar while he goes on vacation for a while, which is much needed after the event last night. Sookie tries to thank him, but Sam tells her it’s okay, that he doesn’t really want anyone to know any of what happened. But Sookie argues that she thinks everyone should know how special he is, and hugs him. A woman approaches with a big shopping bag for her, and tells her she has a special delivery for Sookie Stackhouse; Sookie accepts it, and the woman tells her she’s lucky to have such a classy admirer. Aww, how sweet. Sookie asks Sam for a minute to check out her present, and goes outside to look at what she got. It’s a very pretty lavender formal dinner dress, and a note from Bill, telling her he owes her an evening out, and asking if she’d wear the dress that night. That is just so tender, and adorable. Gosh. Eggs grabs her shoulder, and scares the shit out of her, ruining the moment, so he can bother her with his drama.

Eggs desperately wants to know what he did, and has been tearing himself up over it, even though everyone’s told him that it wasn’t him doing it, and that he doesn’t want to know. Apparently, that’s not good enough; ever heard the phrase, “Curosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back?” Eggs doesn’t end up satisfied. Sookie looks into his thoughts, where he’s begging her to help in, and agrees to try to bring his memory back. She takes his hands, and asks her to walk her through his first blackout; and the memories come flooding back. Eggs looks horrified, and takes off, but Sookie follows, and tries explaining to him in small words that it wasn’t his fault, that it was Maryann’s influence controlling him. He argues that it was his hands that did it, and runs off, with Sookie calling to him that she’s sorry. At Bill’s house, Jessica comes down the stairs all dressed up and looking purty, while Bill comes out of the downstairs hallway, all dressed up and purty too. Bill tells her she looks “a vision”, and asks if she’s going to see Hoyt Fortenberry, but she is defensive, and says he’s going to see Sookie. Bill calms her down, says it’s fine, though the guys usually went to see the girls in his day. He acknowledges the change though, and tells her to have a good time.

Before he leaves, Jessica tells Bill that she and Hoyt had a fight, so she was going to go apologize. Bill tells her Hoyt would be a fool not to accept, and Jessica smiles some, –which is so cute, since Bill and Jessica get along terrible! She asks where he’s taking Sookie, and he tells her, a French restaurant, though he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years, and humans love them; Bill seems nervous. Jessica tells him to be back by five, and he tells her to be back by four, then opens the door for her. Aww. Parent and teen bonding! It’s a full on -moment-, y’all! In some other town, somewhere else in the world, Sam rings a doorbell, and calls the woman who answers it, “Mrs. Merlotte.” Oh shit. Inside, Sam notices that there are no pictures of him, and the woman who was his foster mother, claims they keep them put away, because it would be hard to explain to their friends who thought they didn’t have any children. Sam confronts her about abandoning him, but all she can say was that they were scared, and an apology that comes in sobs.

Sam is untouched, and tells her he’s not interested in an apology, he wants to know who his real parents were. But Mrs. Merlotte tells him no, that she swore to them she’d never tell. She tells him, when Sam starts to get upset, that he doesn’t want to know them, because they’re bad people. Sam bitterly replies that she’d know a thing or two about that. A small white monitor alarm goes off, and Sam follows Mrs. Merlotte to the back, where her husband lays dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment, and unable to speak. The man’s hand shakes as he gives him a note that reads: “Melinda & Joe Lee Mickens – Last known in Magnolia Ark – I’m sorry”. Sam’s eyes well up, but he doesn’t cry, as he looks at the dying man in the bed who used to be his daddy. Oh god it’s so sad, I almost cried; almost. At Bill’s, Hoyt Fortenberry is knocking on the door with flowers in his hand, looking for Jessica, –what the hell, didn’t she go to his house? He hollers for her, but there’s no answer.

At a truckstop somewhere, Jessica is making out with some trucker, –ew, wtf is going on here? He snags a condom off the visor, and she tells him that before they go any further, he should know she’s a virgin. He tells her he’ll be gentle, and kinda likes that. Jessica asks, “Really?” and he nods, and then she says she doesn’t like it one bit, shows her fangs, and bites! Holy shit, someone needs to get together an intervention or something, and have a talk with her. She can’t just go around eating truckers, that’s just nasty. At Bill’s, Hoyt looks sadly at the door, and leaves the roses by the front door, then leaves. At the French restaurant, Sookie and Bill have entered, and Sookie notices that Bill has rented out the entire restaurant for their dinner, and he declares he didn’t want to share the site of Sookie with anyone else that night. Aww, that’s so sweet, –and you know, incredibly possessive. Sookie brings up the fact that Bill doesn’t eat, but he invites her to dance, which is a giggly and very cute affair, because both of them can actually dance a bit.

At Merlotte’s, Andy is out in the parking lot headed to his car, when Eggs appears, again looking on the verge of hysterics, and carrying the huge bloody knife he was forced to use to kill people. He begs Andy Bellefleur, who isn’t armed, to lock him up, while Andy circles his car trying to get Eggs to drop the knife. Andy tries to calm him down and take the knife, but Eggs throws him on the ground, and hovers over him with the knife, freaking out. Eggs is hollering at Andy, much too close for comfort with the huge knife, when suddenly, he’s shot in the head; Jason Stackhouse stands away to the side, shocked that he killed the man. Andy sighs, and Jason, figuring that Eggs was going to kill Andy, shot on reflex. Andy tells Jason to go on, and get the hell out of there, and he wipes off the gun, –funny how things work out, really, since Andy’s wanted to pin murder on Jason for so long, and when he gets his chance, he passed it up because Jason killed a man to protect Andy. Everyone comes out of Merlotte’s to see what happened, and Andy tells them Eggs was coming after him with the murder weapon, so he shot him.

Tara sees Eggs, and crouches beside him, crying and sobbing, and shaking his body. Sookie is finishing dessert with Bill, telling him it was the best meal of her life, but Bill tells her he has one last thing, and pulls airline tickets out of his jacket pocket. The tickets are for Burlington, Vermont, –ahem, vampire and human marriages are legal in Vermont. Sookie, confused, asks why they’d go there, until Bill takes a black velvet box out as well, and slides it toward her on the table. She opens it and inside is an emormous rock set in an engagement ring, –Bill Compton is proposing to Sookie Stackhouse, good god almighty! I need a fan or I will surely faint! Bill says, “Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Hell, just the first six words are one hell of a proposal, but the rest of them are pretty fantastic too. Sookie tells Bill, who started out confident, that she doesn’t know what to say, her life’s inside out, she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she starts getting all choked up and sensitive and chattery, and Bill is just like, “What?” Poor man. She brings up the topic of what’s going to happen when she gets old, which is definitely an interesting question, but Bill assures her that he wants her just how she is, and Sookie argues tearfully that she doesn’t even know what she is!

Lordy, have a tissy fit, why don’t you? Bill asks if she’s saying no, but she yelps that she isn’t, she doesn’t know, and for sobbing out loud, finally gets up and goes to the ladies room to clean herself up. In the bathroom, Sookie slips the engagement ring onto her finger, and looks in the mirror at herself wearing it. Ah, nothing like a huge diamond to wear you down; she smiles. Outside in the restaurant, Bill looks worried and frustrated, then someone wearing black gloves wraps a silver chain around his neck, and yanks him backwards. In the bathroom, Sookie is freshening her lipstick, and looking herself over, much more happy. She leaves the bathroom saying “Yes, Bill Compton I will marry you…” but trails off when she sees the evidence of a struggle in the restaurant, and the door hanging wide. She asks, “Bill?” to the empty scene. And that is where we are abandoned, –for an entire season! Gosh… don’t you feel all empty inside, knowing that you have to wait for months now to see what happens? Damn. Well, hey, there’s always the books!

True Blood, Season 2, Episode 11

annimi — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:34:13 +0000

At the Queen’s home, Bill greets the woman in the pretty dress on the floor, who is drinking blood from the inner thigh of a woman sprawled out on a piece of antique furniture that looks too expensive to be getting body fluids smeared all over it. Bill asks if he’s come at a bad time, but the queen lifts her head, and right away we can tell she is a sassy bitch; she tells him there’s no such thing as bad, or time for that matter. The Queen’s fangs are frigging huge; they look almost like tusks. She invites Bill to join her, and he just stands there looking uncomfortable. Cue the theme song! If watching a moaning woman get her thighs munched on by a hot female authority figure didn’t put you in the mood for True Blood, then Jace Everett’s Bad Things will definitely do it for you. At Bill’s house, Hoyt wrestles Jessica from his mama, Maxine Fortenberry, and hollers at her, asking if she’s lost her mind. Jessica tells him that Maxine was saying a bunch of nasty things about both of them, but Hoyt hollers at her, “She’s my mama, she gets to! Where the hell are you from?!”

Jessica says she’s sorry, and Hoyt goes and scoops Maxine off the floor, while she groans and says that she liked being bitten. Jessica calls for Hoyt, but he tells her he should have listen to Bill when he warned him about her. Jessica looks hurt, and Maxine goes on about “enjoying that” then waves her fingers at Jessica. Hoyt hollers at Jessica, saying, “You see what you did to her?” He takes his mama and walks out the door, leaving Jessica crying. She slams the door, and screams; looks like she’s about to go into a full on meltdown. At the Queen’s “palace”, Bill and a bloody blond stare at each other across the indoor pool, when finally, the Queen returns, haughtily asking Bill what gives him the right to turn down the blood of a good woman. She tells Bill he’s a snob, and that snobs have tiny souls or tiny penises, and so on, etc. Warning you guys right now, the Queen never says anything even vaguely interesting, or informative, so you’ll just have to bear with me while I briefly summarize all her mind-numbingly boring monologues.

The Queen tells the girl on the sofa to get out, and asks Bill if he’s eaten. Before he can even get a word in edgewise, the Queen starts yammering about this Latvian boy he just has to try, and how great he tastes, and god she never shuts up. She offers to summon him, but Bill tells her no, and tries to explain that there are important things he needs to talk about. He tells the Queen he needs to know how to kill a maenad, and the Queen is for once, slightly incredulous, remarking that a maenad in Bon Temps is pretty random. Bill tells her that the maenad has caused mass hypnosis throughout the town in a matter of days, and the Queen, still casual and unconcerned, comments that the maenad must be old, then follows that up by saying that they’re all very old. Bill says, “Ancient Greece, correct?” but the Queen informs him they’re even older, and asks him if there’s been orgies, sacrifices, and –she grins here, and asks about cannibalism. Bill says they suspect so, and she says that’s just “fun!” Oh gosh, isn’t the Queen just helpful as all hell? She should edit Wikipedia!

The Queen goes back to her ancient copy of Vogue, –here’s a woman completely stuck in her own era, –and Bill stares at her for a moment before asking, “So how do I kill it?” The Queen tells him that she can’t be killed, because Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, and so she is. Bill looks at her like he might ask what the hell she’s talking about, and the Queen goes on to inform him that everything that exists imagined itself into existence. Bill tells her he isn’t ‘entirely familiar with that theory,’ and the Queen, for once emitting some semblance of intelligence, explains herself. She says, “Well, think about it. You’re a wild young girl who’s married to some jerk who treats you like property, and is also fucking some 14-year-old boy;” –Bill shifts uncomfortably, –”and then along comes this religion that convinces you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever, –whatever, –and it’s all part of ‘getting closer to God.’” Bill admits he can see the appeal, especially among humans who have a tendency towards Puritanism.

The Queen says ‘Exactly,” and continues, “So you’re fucking everybody in the dirt, why not kill something, and eat it raw? Hey, you’re super-extra-pious, there’s nothing you can’t do. And each time you do, it just brings you one step closer to the ‘divine.’” Bill looks at her and comments that thinking like that is delusional, but the Queen reminds him not to underestimate the power of blind faith; it can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics, or break them entirely. The Queen examines her nails while Bill tells her that he bit the maenad, Maryann, and her blood poisoned him. The Queen tells him of course it did; vampires can only drink human blood, and the maenad is no longer even remotely human. Bill argues that she started out that way, but the Queen tells him vampires started out human too. The Queen looks at her watch, and comments that there’s less than two hours before dawn, and asks Bill if he wants to have sex. He looks at her like she’s insane, and she tells him she was kidding, then goes on a spiel about how she hasn’t liked men in decades.

Bill tells the Queen he needs to get back to Bon Temps, but she “insists” he stay the day, and leave the next night; Bill acquiesces. At Lafayette’s Tara is working herself up over wanting to go back and get Eggs, but Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae refuse to let her leave. Tara asks why Sookie gets the option of risking her life for Bill, but she doesn’t? Lettie Mae tells her it’s better that way, and suddenly, there’s deranged laughter outside. Lafayette’s worried that Maryann is coming for Tara, and goes for his gun. Tara is still whining that she wants to get Eggs, when Lafayette returns, and says he won’t let her go back to someone who beat her, but Tara argues that it was Maryann’s influence. Lafayette doesn’t care, he tells her to sit down, aims the gun at her and tells her to shut the fuck up, then tells Sookie to give him the handcuffs in his back pocket. Sookie looks grossed out, handing purple furry handcuffs to Lafayette, who cuffs Tara to his coffee table.

Tara, still a vicious bitch, tells Lafayette he’s just jealous because she found love, and he never will, then calls him a freak. Lettie Mae tries to tell Tara that it was only for her own good, but Tara tells her “You too, you don’t want me to be happy because you never were!” Lettie Mae swears she only wants Tara to be happy, but Tara turns to Sookie and tells her that she had to settle for a dead man. Sookie looks disgusted with Tara, and asks her if that’s suppose to get Sookie on her side. More laughter from outside, and Lafayette says he’s going out on the porch to make sure “that devil woman” doesn’t try to get in, and Sookie asks if he thinks she’d try. Lafayette tells her, based on experience no doubt, that if something supernatural wants you, it doesn’t wait for you to come to it. Tara stares at Sookie hatefully, and Sookie leaves her and follows Lafayette out. Lettie Mae sits on the couch and starts bawling, while Tara looks at her and hollers “You are kidding me! This ain’t happenin to you!” Tara has a point there, her mother gets worked up real easy.

Jason, Andy and Sam are trying to clean up inside the bar a little bit, and Jason asks if Sam can really turn into any animal, any time. Jason tells Sam that’s cool, but Andy says they still have a maenad they need to deal with. Sam tells them there’s no way to deal with Maryann, and the best thing to do is leave. Jason suggests getting the law involved, but Andy pipes up and says “I am involved!” Jason asks what happened to Sheriff Dearborn, Kenya, and “that other guy, the squirrely one?” –This makes me wonder if the guy who plays Jason has ever heard a southerner say the word “squirrely” out loud. FYI buddy, we pronounce it “skwerly.” Andy tells him that the sheriff’s station was wide open, and they ain’t gonna help. Jason makes up his mind right then that they’re gonna “be the law.” Mhmmm. Jason tells them that “this is Armageddon, this is the oral history of the zombie war! We need weapons.” Sam tells Jason firmly, in small words, that guns won’t hurt Maryann, and they can’t shoot anyone else, because these people are their friends and neighbors.

Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sam, “Sometimes you need to destroy somethin to save it.” Sam stares at him, and Jason says, “That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.” Poor Jason, lord have mercy. Outside, two kids at the window run into the woods, just as Sam catches sight of them. Sam follows them out, telling them not to be afraid, and to come on out. Coby and Lisa, Arlene’s kids, come out of the woods, dirty and scared, asking if their mama is there. When Sam tells them she isn’t they’re relieved, and ask him to help them hide, and make them something to eat, since they haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Sam agrees, and starts to lead them back to the bar, when Jason and Andy come down the hill. Jason announces that they’re taking off, to go to the sheriff’s office and arm themselves. Sam warns them that it’s too dangerous, and they argue for a bit, but Jason insists. Sam tells Jason he’s a damn fool, twice even, and Jason runs into a tree and smacks his head before angrily calling out at Sam, “You’re welcome for me saving your life!” Sam ignores him, as he takes the kids inside to eat. Jason gets in the truck, and says “Can you believe that? What an asshole,” Andy, who’s joined him, says “Welcome to my world, Jason.”

While Jason and Andy head off to get killed, Lafayette stands on his porch, gun at the ready, while Sookie sits. She asks if he at least wants to sit down, but he refuses. Sookie’s phone buzzes; she got a five hour old text message from Bill, and declares that she’s getting a new cell phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette, incredulous, asks if she’s working for Eric; Sookie brushes him off with an ‘mhm’, and tells him Bill won’t be back until tomorrow. Lafayette remarks that they better not count on Bill to rescue them. Inside, Tara is working on her mother, trying to convince to let her out of the handcuffs, and it’s working, –Tara promises to forgive Lettie Mae for everything if she turns her loose. Tara’s mother goes on her knees to prey, and outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head. Sookie tells him it was like there were no limits, that anything could and would happen, that you could feel your insides expanding, and an emptying out of everything at the center of your being, and you don’t want it to stop, ever. Lafayette says “Damn that sounds nice.”

At Merlotte’s, Sam gives the kids sandwiches and chips, promising there’s more if they want it. Lisa asks Sam what’s wrong with their mama, and Sam admits that he doesn’t know, but he thinks she’s sick. Coby asks if she’s blind, and Sam says maybe sometimes. The kids worry that she’s going to die, but Sam reassures them that Arlene won’t die. Sam asks if Arlene has ‘been sick’ in front of them a lot. They tell him that she doesn’t seem sick, she seems crazy, that she’s always kissing Terry, and doing other gross stuff when her eyes get weird. They start pestering Sam, who gets steadily more clueless, about getting their mama a doctor, or something to make her like she used to be, or a vampire, and they agree that a vampire would know what to do, then they ask where Vampire Bill is, but Sam, overwhelmed, admits he doesn’t know where Bill is. They ask if he knows any other vampires, and Sam gets that “well, damn…” look on his face. On Lafayette’s porch, Sookie asks how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever.

Sookie asks Lafayette how that happened, and Lafayette tells him Eric made him drink his blood. Sookie tells him that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood as well, but then asks if Lafayette has had any “dreams.” Lafayette looks at her funny, and asks how she’d know that. Sookie asks what kind of dreams, and Lafayette tells her about freaky but fantastic sex dreams, which is weird because Lafayette hates Eric. Lettie Mae comes running out of the house, sobbing, which interrupts them. Lettie Mae tells them that one of them needs to go sit with Tara while she keeps guard, because Tara can’t hurt them as much as she hurts her. Sookie denies it, but Lafayette asks if Lettie Mae will shoot herself. She tells him to respect her, since she’s the one who taught him how to shoot a gun. After some deliberation, and finding out that Lettie Mae used to shoot at cats that shit in her yard, Lafayette hands Lettie Mae the gun. Wrong thing to do. She turns the gun on him and hollers to Tara that she’s got the gun.

Lettie Mae tells Lafayette to go unlock Tara’s handcuffs, but he refuses. She fires the gun into the porch roof, and Lafayette collapses in a panic attack. Sookie hisses at Lettie Mae that Lafayette was recently shot. Lettie Mae ignores her, and tells her to go unlock Tara’s cuffs, but Sookie argues and tells her that she’s already seen what Maryann is like. Lettie Mae tells her that she has a chance to win her baby back, and she’s obviously taking it. Sookie gets the keys from the paralyzed Lafayette, and goes inside, giving Lettie Mae a venomous look as she goes into the house to unlock Tara. Outside, Lafayette is having a spaz attack, imagining Eric’s head on Lettie Mae’s body, saying all kinds of nasty things to him, and getting closer, threatening to shoot him, and kill him, and so on. Poor Lafayette. But seeing Eric in a dress is definitely worth the price of admission; or in this case, the ridiculous price of premium channels on cable or satellite. Sookie and Tara coming out, while Lafayette is huddled behind a lawn chair, hiding his eyes. Sookie asks what the hell Lettie Mae did to him, and she says nothing, but Sookie goes to Lafayette to comfort him.

Lettie Mae tells Tara to go, and never forget that she did this for her. Tara runs down the stairs, but turns and asks Sookie for her keys. Sookie gives them to her, and tells her she’s being a fucking idiot. Agreed all around, good god. Why in the hell is Tara so god damn important anyway? She’s barely in the books, and yet, she takes up at least 1/3 of the show with her dramatic bullshit, and all she does is bitch, and whine, and bitch and whine, and cuss people out, and bitch and whine! Can we please have less of Tara’s annoying ass in the 3rd season?! Please! Tara takes off in Sookie’s car, while Jason and Andy head to the sheriff’s office. Jason and Andy discuss whether Sam, as a dog, screwing another dog, is bestiality, or just nature, when they pull up at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Office and see a woman in her underwear running around with toilet paper in her hand. Jason tells Andy they gotta fix things, and there’s no way he’s gonna let weird shit like this take over his town. Jason gets out of the truck, and Andy follows him. Inside, some dingy bitch is telling someone on the phone, “You dialed 911 and got me, oh honey, you are fucked.” Yeah, no doubt.

Rosie hangs up to go rub up against ‘Detective Bellefleur,’ then sees Jason and practically tackles him, asking if he’d like to get fucked every which way but north… Andy tells him to come on, but Jason explains that he can keep her from telling anyone else that they’re here. Andy sees the sense in that, and takes off to get “the heat” while Rosie promises to turn Jason inside out, while climbing all over him and grunting. Inside the weapons room, Andy unlocks a gun locker, and loads up on shotgun shells, but suddenly, a gun fires off behind him. Bud Dearborn is standing there with no pants, gun in hand, asking Andy to dance with him. Bud drags Andy over and starts line dancing with him, and Andy manages to get the gun away from him. Before Sheriff Dearborn can kick up much of a fuss about losing his gun, he declares he has to take a dump, and runs off laughing, with one hand over his ass. Andy looks as disgusted as the rest of us are. Outside, on Lafayette’s porch, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is shaking, and Sookie hollers that he’s traumatized. Lettie Mae says, and truthfully, that she is too.

Sookie leans down and whispers to Lafayette, that she’s fixing to do something, and needs him to move fast; she asks him if he can grab the gun as soon as Lettie Mae drops it, and Lafayette says he can. Sookie asks Lettie Mae if she can lower the gun, because Lafayette is freaking out. As soon as Lettie Mae lowers the rifle, Sookie fast as all hell, snatches a heavy ash tray, and with dead aim, throws it right at Lettie Mae’s head. Smash, dead on, cold cocked the bitch! Daaaay-um! Lettie Mae drops the gun, Lafayette grabs it, and he and Sookie take off to go get Tara, while Lettie Mae hollers that it isn’t her fault. At Fangtasia, Sam waits in his Jeep with Lisa and Coby; Lisa asks Sam if he knew her daddy, and Sam, if possible, is even more uncomfortable. He tells Lisa that her daddy and Arlene split up before he came to town, but that he had heard about him. Lisa asks what Sam heard, and Sam tells her he’d heard he was a wild card, with a big personality.

Lisa says that she doesn’t even know what her daddy looks like, because Arlene cut him out of all their pictures. All she knows is that “his name is Dwayne, and he tattooed mama’s name on his stomach.” Sam leans back and tells her, “Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.” That made me giggle; you’re damn right it hurt. Sam looks back at the entrance, and spies none other than Ginger walking in. He gets out of the Jeep and tries to catch her at the door, hollering excuse me, –Ginger starts screaming, as Ginger is often known to do. Poor thing. Sam tells her she doesn’t have to be scared of him, that he’s just there to see Eric. Ginger tells him that Eric won’t be there till after dark, and Sam stares at her for a moment before saying, “Well, obviously,” then tells her he has two kids in the car, and asks if he can wait inside with them. Ginger tells him no, that she can’t let anyone in without Eric’s permission. Sam offers her $100, and Ginger most likely accepts, because, God bless her, she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box.

On the road to Sookie’s house, Lafayette drives with the rifle in hand, and Sookie offers to hold it, but Lafayette is still a bit tweaked out, and tells her no. Sookie asks if he’s okay, and he tells her no. Sookie tells him flat out that she needs him to get his shit together, because she can’t do this alone. Lafayette tells her he knows, and Sookie tells him they need to get in, get Tara, and get the hell out, and Lafayette shakily agrees. Sookie tells him that if Maryann gives them any trouble, he has to shoot her; again, shaky agreement from the traumatized Lafayette. Sookie tells him firmly that she means it, to shoot Maryann in the head. Bet that’d do a lot of good, since Maryann is frigging bulletproof, and vampire proof, and apparently, food-poisoning proof, what with all the nasty shit she’s been doing with dead thing, and stuff. At Sookie’s house, Tara approaches Eggs, and tries to get the loopy, black-eyed zombie to go out with her, but Maryann approaches, and tells Tara that everything she wants is right there, then tries to welcome her back, but Tara isn’t having it.

Tara tells Maryann that she doesn’t know what she is, but she wants out. Maryann tells her it’s too late for that, and Tara hollers that she made her eat someone’s heart. But Maryann says she loved it, to admit it. Tara tells her that her and Eggs have nothing to do with what’s going on, if it’s Sam she wants. Maryann then reveals that it was Tara who summoned her; in the woods, at Tara’s fake exorcism, Maryann says Tara was seeing her, or herself, through Maryann. Maryann tells her that even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, she still called up the energy to summon Maryann with her ritual. Maryann does the vibrator impression, but Tara hollers that it won’t work on her anymore. Maryann walks up to Tara, smiles, and punches her in the face. When Tara lifts her head, her eyes have gone black again. Well, what a fucking waste of time it was, getting her back to normal. Tara grins, and Maryann giggles, saying “That’s more like it,” –Eggs and Tara go upstairs to screw, when suddenly, the mob that witness the “smiting” of Sam Merlotte comes pouring in, to report for “debriefing.”

Terry, Arlene, and Mike Spencer tell Maryann what happened, and she calls them all fucking morons, then somehow makes a really nasty noise like nails on a chalkboard. They all scream and howl, and Maryann screams at them to get out, then decides to just get Sam herself. At the sheriff’s office, Jason has Rosie tied to a chair with phone cord. She offers to blow him, while he tries to get information about ammo and weapons out of her, but all she wants to do is get dirty. Jason tells her he wouldn’t feel right about it; damn right, she’d probably bite your dick off. Kevin sneaks up behind Jason and puts a gun to his head, asking what the game is with one bullet in the gun, and you don’t know if it’ll go off or not, “Chinese Firedrill?” Jason tells him it’s Russian Roulette, while Rosie cheers for Kevin, “the squirrely deputy”, to shoot Jason, so she can see what happens to his head. Kevin pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. Andy comes out of nowhere, and tells Kevin to drop the gun, but Kevin aims at Andy and fires, –the gun goes off this time. Andy goes down, and Jason tackles Kevin, calling him a stupid fucker, and wrestles the gun away from Kevin, ready to shoot.

Andy tells Jason it’s okay; he’s wearing Kevlar. Jason asks Andy if he has one for him, but Andy only has the one. Jason is put out, and looks over at Rosie, who appears to be screwing her chair. At the Fortenberry house, Hoyt watches his mama as she makes a big mess of casserole with all kinds of nasty shit in it. Hoyt goes to see what she’s doing, as she adds hot sauce to a bunch of candy bars, chips, shredded cheese, and other gross shit. Hoyt tells her nobody’s gonna eat it, but she assures him that “He will,” and they have to hurry. Hoyt tells her they ain’t going anywhere, and she starts babbling about what’s going to happen to Maryann when”He” shows up. Hoyt tells her again they’re not going, and that when his daddy died, he promised her he’d take care of her, but Maxine blows him off. Hoyt tells Maxine that he’s already let too much bad happen to her, and she says he hasn’t let enough bad happen to her, that she’s always wanted to go to Merlotte’s, get drunk and get a man, but no, –she snarls, that she had to take of Hoyt, and shoves him.

Hoyt tells her that she isn’t herself right now, –instead of telling her there isn’t a state of inebriation that exists that would induce someone to sleep with her. She tells him that he’s as much of a pansy as his daddy, and Hoyt argues that his daddy was a hero. Uh oh, things get nasty real soon. Maxine tells Hoyt bitterly that she thinks his daddy was a homosexual, because he liked to dance so much, and that he killed himself, was a secret drinker, and that she lied about him being shot by a burglar for the insurance money, –then calls him a dumbass. Good god, what a bitch. Outside of Sookie’s house, we’re treated to a full frontal view of a naked old fat guy, dancing around the big smelly statue of rotting gross shit. Sookie tells Lafayette that Gran lived and died in that house, and now it’s like people who are the exact opposite of everything Gran was, are defiling her. Sookie goes on, that even though she was almost raped in Dallas, this was worse. Lafayette tells her they can’t help it, they’re not doing it on purpose, –they’re not themselves.

Sookie tells Lafayette that the first time she met Maryann she knew there was something seriously wrong about her, that Maryann was thinking creepy foreign stuff, and she could tell it wasn’t good. Lafayette tells Sookie she couldn’t have stopped her, but Sookie asks why there’s so much wrong in the world, why so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people. He tells her it’s because they’re weak. Sookie tells him she isn’t, or afraid, and she’s going to kick that bitch’s evil ass out of her Gran’s house, and that he is going to shoot her. Lafayette agrees, “in the fuckin’ head.” Arlene hollers that they’re trespassing, and have to pay a fine, –from above them where her and Terry are sitting on a tree branch. Hm, pretty weird. They jump down, and Arlene tells them that the fine is $100 million, and Lafayette’s pants. Terry tries to take Lafayette’s gun, but he offers them drugs instead. Arlene tells him she does not take drugs, thank you, but Terry asks what he has.

Lafayette whips out his little bag of pills, but Arlene stops Terry and tells him drugs are for losers. Terry assures her it’ll make sex “real nice,” so Arlene agrees, thrusts out her hand, and says gimme at Lafayette. He starts tossing pills at them, and Sookie tells them she’s going in through the back porch. Lafayette promises to come in behind her, when he’s done with Terry and Arlene. At Fangtasia, Eric asks why he should help Sam, a “shifter”, –ooh, guess vampires don’t like them. Sam tells him because they need his help, and one day, he’ll pay him back. Eric asks if Sam can get him Sookie Stackhouse, –Pam rolls her eyes, –but Sam says no. Eric brings up the fact that Sam isn’t friendly towards vampires, and asks why he should trust Sam. Sam says because until someone starts trusting someone else, then everybody is a target, ripe for the picking. Eric admits he has no knowledge of the maenad, but he suspects it was the bull-headed creature that passed through recently, and Pam says “that thing owes me a new pair of shoes.” Well, Maryann doesn’t really wear shoes, but maybe she has a Sears card Pam can borrow.

Sam asks if Eric will help them or not, and Eric says he does know someone who might have some information, –but only might. Hmmm, Bill said the same thing about the Queen. Gosh, apparently, everybody thinks the Queen is a useless pain in the ass. Coby asks Eric if they can see his fangs, and Eric shows them. Lisa leans back, and Eric asks her if she likes vampires. Sam hollers at Eric, but he ignores him. Lisa tells Eric that their almost-step-daddy hated vampires, but they don’t. Coby nods, and says “He went on vacation with Jesus.” Pam states “You make me so happy I never had any of you.” Eric tells her come on, they’re funny, they’re like humans but miniature. “Teacup humans.” That’s hilarious, I giggled. Pam says in Eric’s language, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” Eric answers her, “But delicious.” Aww, jeez, poor kids. Sam interrupts them and asks if he can call the person who might have information, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has to leave right away. Eric offers to walk them out, while Pam calls behind them, again in Eric’s language, ” Please get those horrible things out of here. I’ll be smelling them for a week.” Eric chuckles as he walks out.

Sam confirms that Eric has his cell phone number, and Eric tells him he’ll let him know if he finds anything out. He leans over and tells the kids, “Good night tiny humans,” then winks, and flies straight up in the air. The kids are amazed, but Sam is done with all that shit. He packs the kids into the car, looking around, all paranoid. On the back porch, at Sookie’s house, Jane Bodehouse is singing the weird chant to the tune of ‘Row Your Boat’, while sawing off one of her fingers. As Sookie enters, she holds it up for her to see, and declares that it’s a present. Sookie swallows, tries to smile some, and walks quickly away, into the filthy kitchen. A man is sitting in the kitchen sink, naked, messing around with what looks like, something’s intestines. Suddenly, Mike Spencer grabs Sookie’s ankle, and asks her if she remembers when her Gran was laying there, all bloody and dead. Sookie stares at him and says, “Of course I do.” He tells her to come down there with him, but Sookie tells him no, and tries to pull away.

Mike Spencer starts screaming, is joined by the nut in the sink, then Jane Bodehouse too; Sookie joins Mike on the floor so he’ll shut up. Mike tells her she smells good, and Sookie replies “You don’t, not at all.” Mike declares that it makes you feel alive, being in the presence of death, and then starts asking nasty questions about her and Bill. He tells her it ain’t natural and it ain’t right, –Sookie says he’s in no position to say what’s natural or right. While Sookie cuddles with the fat, smelly Mike Spencer on the floor, Bill is sitting with the Queen, in sunglasses, and swim trunks by the pool. How utterly bizarre. She asks him what he’d like to eat, before they play Yahtzee, and gestures to the line of pretty people across the pool from them. Bill tells her he only feeds from Sookie, –the blonde by the pool turns when she hears Sookie’s name, and the Queen takes her sunglasses off, and snaps, “Why on earth would you do that?” Bill asks, before the Queen can go off on one of her rambling monologues, if she’s told him everything, then can he leave.

Instead of answering, the Queen calls for some absolutely brainless looking guy in the line. And of course, the Queen insists that he try him. The little nerdy guys tells Bill, with an accent, “I vill have-a sex with you.” Bill tells him that won’t be necessary, and goes ahead and bites him. The Queen grins, saying with fangs out, that she loves to watch two men together. Lafayette stealthily creeps through the woods around Sookie’s house, but Maryann and Carl catch him; she calls, “Can I help you?” then goes into all the different names and qualities of ‘Horse Nettle’. She walks closer to Lafayette, and he warns her, but she keeps coming, and Lafayette shoots. Maryann holds her hand out it front of her, –the bullet glances off and hits Carl right in the head, and he drops dead where he was standing. Maryann looks over, and says poor Carl; “he didn’t advance much in this lifetime.” She continues to approach Lafayette, saying, “You cook, don’t you?” Lafayette stares at her, –and meanwhile, the Queen, Bill, her boytoy, and a girl in pigtails play Yahtzee.

Bill, looking miserable, tells the Queen he needs to leave; when the Queen ignores him he gets up to go. She says, finally, that “maenads are sad, silly things. The world changed centuries ago, and they’re still waiting for ‘the god who comes.’” Bill asks if ‘he’ ever comes, and the Queen says, “Of course not, gods never actually show up. They only exist in humans’ minds; like money, and morality.” Bill asks, if he can’t kill Maryann, how will he get her to leave the town, and the Queen answers, “She has to believe that she’s successfully summoned forth Dionysus, in hopes that he will ravish her and quite literally devour her until she’s lost into oblivion.” Bill, getting it, says, “So she seeks… death. The true death. The one thing she’s evolved beyond.” The Queen answers, “I know, ironic isn’t it? They’re really not that smart, these maenads.” Bill asks how she summons this nonexistent god, but the Queen tells him, “I never said he was nonexistent, I just said he never comes. She believes, if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him, or her, while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear. At that point when she willingly surrenders herself to him, –” Bill cuts her off, and says that’s when she can be killed.

The Queen sassily asks who the smartest boy in class is, and I swear, the dingy foreign guy almost raises his hand. Bill asks if the perfect vessel is a human, and the Queen tells him they prefer supernatural beings, –though they don’t like vampires, because their hearts aren’t beating. She rambles on, calling maenads idiots, until a security guard approaches; she excuses herself, and tells Hadley to entertain Bill. Hadley is Sookie’s cousin! She asks Bill how her cousin Sookie is, and Bill, surprised, tells her Sookie is good. Hadley tells Bill to be sure to tell her Hadley said hey, then asks how Gran is, –Bill doesn’t know what to say, but Hadley goes on to say that she’d love to talk to her sometimes, but she owes her so much money. Bill tells Hadley that he thinks it’s best if they’re not in touch, and Hadley tells him she knows, that there’s no place for her in that world anymore. Aww, poor Hadley, she seems like such a sweetypie. She tells Bill she still thinks about them though, and smiles.

The Queen turns back to the small group, and announces that Bill’s “friend”, Mr. Northman, is there. Bill says that it’s definitely time for him to go, while the mouthy blond idiot Queen, who probably screwed her way to the top anyway, blahs on about alpha male posturing, and suggests they fuck each other. Bill thanks her for seeing him, and she tells him to enjoy his restricted diet. Before Bill leaves, the Queen tells him that she looks forward to meeting “her”, –as in, Sookie. Bill smiles, nods, and leaves. The Queen resumes playing, and yay, she gets Yahtzee on her first roll. Hurray for boring dice games that go on forever! Bill and Eric meet outside, and Bill asks Eric why he’s there. Eric tells him he was hoping the Queen could tell him how to kick a maenads’ ass, and Bill asks him if he wants to do it so he can look like a hero to Sookie. Eric tells him that his paranoia is unbecoming, and asks if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill tells him no, and remarks that it was desperate and pitiful for him to trick Sookie into drinking his blood, so that she would be attracted to him. Eric reminds him, saucily, the Bill did the exact same thing the first night he met, but Bill first asks how Eric knows that, –and argues that Sookie would have died if he hadn’t.

Bill tells Eric to stay away from Sookie, or he’ll tell the Queen that Eric is making humans sell vampire blood. Eric tells Bill he wouldn’t, sober now, and Bill says he won’t, as long as Eric stays away from Sookie. Eric tells Bill that he doesn’t like threats; Bill reiterates the sentiment. Jason and Andy park in the woods, aways from Sookie’s house. Andy asks why they’re parking so far away, and Jason explains that it’s so they can sneak up on them. He hands Andy an energy bar and tells him to load up on carbs. Jason looks like he’s thinking, and god, then he starts saying his thoughts out loud; he asks Andy if Sam could turn into a chicken, and then lay his own eggs, asking how weird it would be to eat somethin’ that just came out of him. Andy looks at him, disgusted, and asks what kind of perverted brain would even think of something like that. Jason tosses his energy bar away, and asks Andy why he never liked him, if it’s because of how much pussy he gets, because, “I ain’t takin any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.”

Andy tells Jason that it isn’t about pussy, he just thinks Jason has had it too easy; like being all-state quarterback. Jason counters that it wasn’t easy, and he’s starting to have knee issues, before he’s 30. He asks Andy what else, and Andy admits that women do just throw themselves at him. Jason tells him that isn’t easy either, he watches a ton of porno to learn things, and he works out a lot. Jason asks again, what else, but Andy has nothing to say. Jason says, “Look, my best friend killed my grandma, and my girlfriend. I come from no money! My mama and my daddy died when I was 11!” –Andy interrupts, “so did mine!” Jason cuts him off and says, “Your daddy died in Vietnam, and your mama ran off with some Yankee race car driver! Now you may hate me Andy Bellefleur, you may think you’re better than me, and maybe you are, but you and me are the ones who have received the calling to save this town! So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.” They agree that it’s all up to them, –and God save us if it is, they sure do sound determined. The blind leading the blind.

They get out of the truck after some testosterone infused deliberation, donning shotguns and bandoliers, and head out. Sam is alone, sitting on the steps of his trailer behind the bar, when Bill zips up to him. They face each other, and say nothing for a moment. On the floor at Sookie’s house, Mike is telling her that he’s always hated blood, that he never wanted to be a coroner, or undertaker, –that he wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain. Sookie suggests that they “just do it already,” but only on the condition that she gets to be on top. Mike says that’s fine, since it’s better for his back anyway. Sookie straddles him, grabs an iron pan out of the sink, and bashes him on the head. Mike Spencer’s head drops like a rock, and he’s out like a light. Sookie runs out of the kitchen, and up the stairs, where she finds, in her room, a man modeling one of her dresses in the mirror. He asks if it’s too much and she backs out, closing the door behind her, muttering “way too much.” Good god, I’d say so, unless he’s going to be on-stage with Marilyn Manson anytime soon. Sookie heads down the wall to her grandmother’s room, where Tara and Eggs are smashing everything sight. Those fuckers.

Now, if I saw that shit, there isn’t a force on this earth that could keep me from shooting them, friends or not, aware of what they’re doing or not. It’s not murder to shoot them in the legs, it’s maiming; and I would definitely maim someone breaking my gramma’s things. Sookie wrestles with Tara over some of Gran’s knitting left in a chair, but Tara snatches it away, declaring that it’s for the nest. On the bed, in a giant nest, is a huge effing egg, –what the hell laid that? Someone reaches out and touches Tara on the shoulder; Lafayette asks where she’s been, that he was looking for her. Sookie sees that his eyes are black, and screams. And that’s where they leave us! Huge effing eggs, zombified Lafayette, Jason and Andy coming to the rescue, Bill and Sam having a quiet moment together, and Eric meeting the Queen. Ooh, whatever will the season finale hold for us? You’ll find out, be patient. ;)

True Blood, Season 2 Episode 10

annimi — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 17:19:35 +0000

Sookie is walking down the long hallway at the Hotel Carmilla, after Godric’s death, and she stops at a door that is slightly ajar, then enters the room. Inside, Eric is sitting silent, with bloody tears on his face and shirtless chest, his head down. Eric states that Godric is gone, and Sookie tells him she’s sorry, then kisses his face gently. Eric takes her hand before she can pull away and pulls her down to kiss her mouth. He lays her down, and his fangs come out. Sookie touches them with her fingertips, then turns her head to the side, inviting him to bite. As Eric snaps down to bite, Sookie opens her eyes, in a car beside Jason who looks over and asks “What’re you dreaming about?” Instead of telling him “Ooh, soft core porn with my boyfriend’s enemy,” she turns and looks behind her in the van, at Bill’s travel coffin. Anubis Airlines is shuttling them home to Bon Temps, and it’s daytime. Jason tells Sookie that coming back to Bon Temps reminds him of coming home from an All-State football game, because nothing is the way he left it. Sookie agrees, even though she’s never left before. Oh you guys have no idea. An alarm is going off, as they get closer to town, and their town sign vandalized with spray painted dick pictures.

Charming. Jason, surprised, looks around; stores have been broken into, one guy is smashing his face against a wooden beam, an old fat chick is chasing a younger guy around screaming “Lemme into them drawers!” –a frightening sight indeed. Suddenly the driver slams on the breaks, and two people crash into the windshield. The driver says they ran right in front of the car, and stops; Sookie, Jason, and the driver get out. The people they hit are bloody, and giggling, with black eyes. Jason asks what the hell is wrong with their eyes, but they laugh, and the woman tears her shirt off, hollering that they have to find Sam. They take off, leaving Sookie and Jason looking at each other, stunned. Cue the theme song! I dunno who you think you are, but before the song is through, you’ll be wiggling in your chair, and ready to watch True Blood. Outside Sookie’s house, Maryann, Carl, and Eggs are building a giant statue out of meat, produce, flowers, and wood. Maryann asks Eggs what he thinks, and he tells her she’s outdone herself. Yeah, she’s gone above and beyond usual psychotic behavior. Carl offers her a dead bird, and Maryann is overjoyed, and begins adding feathers to the big nasty rotting statue.

Maryann declares the big gross stinky thing she’s building, needs more meat. Carl suggests five more pounds of ground chuck, but Maryann tells him she wants to aim higher. They decide on vital organs, and Eggs asks if she wants them to go kill something, so it’s extra fresh. But Maryann tells him no, since they’ll be sacrificing something living later. Sam Merlotte, the living sacrifice, is at the moment, crouched in Andy Bellefleur’s hotel room under the window, when Andy arrives with a grocery bag. Sam jumps back, and looks at Andy cautiously. Andy tells he’s just hungover, and gives Sam a bag full of his clothes, and stuff. Sam thanks him for getting his stuff, and Andy goes on to tell him that the station was deserted, all the cells were wide open, remarking with sarcasm “…and they think I’m a bad cop.” He tells Sam that the town square looks like New York city or something; he tells Sam about the nut banging his head on the post, graffiti everywhere, and people pissing on the sidewalk; “The whole town is going down the crapper.”

Sam tells Andy he has no idea how they’re going to deal with a maenad, and Andy asks, “a mae- what?” Andy looks at him incredulously, and asks Andy if he remembers any of what they talked about last night, but Andy spent the night drunk and the day sleeping off his bender. Andy recalls learning that Maryann Forrester was behind all the wacky shit happening, and Sam reminds him, also the dead bodies, including the one in Andy’s car. Sam sits down and explains to Andy slowly, and firmly, that Maryann is a supernatural creature with powers and she won’t leave until she gets him. Andy asks why Maryann wants Sam, and Sam explains that she wants to cut his heart out while a bunch of naked people watch, for Dionysus, or Satan, or some god who has horns. Woo, sounds like one hell of a weekend. Will there be games and prizes? Andy grumbles that people thought he was crazy because he said he was a pig. Sam tells him that he did see a pig, but he doesn’t say she was Daphne, –almost said it though, –he just tells him that the pig was doing some of Maryann’s dirty work.

Andy tells Sam if all this is true, then they need to “kill that bitch!” but Sam reminds him, duh, that Maryann is immortal. Sam’s phone rings, and he answers, “Hey Arlene.” Arlene is crouched in the bar, with her back to the camera, begging Sam to come and save her, because there’s a mob of people who have Terry and they’re coming for her next. Sam tells her he already knows that she’s all caught up in Maryann’s weirdness, but Arlene tells him she knows, but Maryann is after them now, and she’s crazy, –like Hannibal Lecter crazy, and she’s worried about her kids. At Bill’s house, the driver is helping Bill out of his travel coffin, and Jason is leaving a message at the sheriff’s office about hitting the people they hit with the van in the town square. Sookie urges Jason to ask what the heck is going on in town, and Jason goes on to ask if someone could call back and let him know if they’ve been attacked by terrorists or what, but the answering machine beeps and he hangs up.

Jason explains to Sookie that the sherriff’s office answering machine was all that picked up, and Sookie tells Bill that there is something seriously wrong in Bon Temps. Upstairs, Maxine Fortenberry leans out of a room, looking all kinda trashy, with her hair all messed up, and her eyes black. She says, “Well, if it ain’t the vamper and his vamper lover.” Jason stares, and remarks that there’s those fuckin eyes again. Sookie’s eyes get big, while Jessica and Hoyt coming running out, trying to catch a cackling Maxine. Jessica calls down to Bill, “Thank god you’re home, she’s gone totally batshit!” Bill starts to ask her what the devil, –but Jessica cuts him off, and swears she didn’t do anything. Hoyt explains that at first, he thought it was just a bad reaction to one of her diet pills, but then he saw that the whole town has eyes like hers. Bill asks how long she’s been that way, and Jessica tells him since last night. Hoyt tries to keep his mama pinned on the stairs, while Maxine says she’ll be that way for as long as it takes for “Him” to get his offering. Jason stares and says simply, “That sounds fuckin’ fucked up.” No doubt, my articulate friend, fuckin fucked up indeed.

Hoyt tells Bill that Maxine has been going on about Sam Merlotte and how they’re gonna offer him to God, and Maxine snarls “why don’t you offer yourself up to me, Jason Stackhouse?” Jason looks about ready to hurl, and Maxine snatches him, calling him a “dirty little monkey.” Gross! Bill and Hoyt restrain her, and Bill hollers, asking if she ever calms down. Hoyt tells him that the Wii gets her to focus, but he wouldn’t call it calm. In front of the screen for the Wii, Maxine shrieks and cusses while fighting in the game. Bill stares at her as she waves the controller around, and backs away to ask Hoyt what Maxine has been talking about. Hoyt confirms that she’s been saying God is coming, so they need to catch Sam and take him to “Maryann’s.” Sookie asks where that is and Hoyt guiltily tells her it’s her house; Sookie looks full on pissed off. Maxine cackles and growls that they’re going to rip Sam open and serve him up like barbeque.

Sookie asks Hoyt if anyone has been attacked by something with claws, and he tells Sookie about the dead woman in Andy’s car, and Daphne’s scars, and her murder. Jason declares that he’s going to Merlotte’s to find out what’s going on, but Bill warns him that if it’s the same creature they’d ran into before, he doesn’t want to go anywhere near it. Jason tells Bill that he’s not going to let monsters destroy his town. Sookie tells Jason that this is one of those times where he needs to use his brain, but Jason tells her he’s been training for this kind of situation. Sookie tries to stop him again, but Bill reassures her of Jason’s ability to take care of himself. Sookie hugs him, and tells him to be careful, drive straight to Merlotte’s and stay out of the woods. Jason promises to be careful, kisses her forehead, and leaves. Sookie asks where Tara has been, and Hoyt tells her that she’s been partying hard at “Maryann’s.” Sookie sighs in exasperation and Hoyt apologizes, because it’s just sort of caught on. They take off, and leave Hoyt and Jessica with Maxine.

Hoyt asks Jessica if maybe he should go with them, but Jessica doesn’t want to be left alone with Maxine. Good god, I should think not. At Merlotte’s, Sam and Andy look around the silent bar for Arlene. Andy says it looks empty, but Sam tells him there are people there, that he can smell them. They hear something weird, and Arlene comes out of the back, thanking them for coming so fast. Sam asks if she’s okay, and Arlene starts to tweak, saying she is now, because soon, “He’ll be getting what’s His!” Arlene raises a knife, and begins chanting, while several other black-eyed psychos come out of hiding in the bar, surrounding Sam and Andy. A big redneck grabs Sam, and Andy fires his gun into the ceiling, but this only excites the chanting, crazed mob more. Terry grabs Andy’s gun, and fires it into the bar, while the deranged Arlene tells him not to shoot the expensive liquor, and aim instead for the bottom shelf.

Terry fires wildly all over the bar, and accidentally shoots some guy in the arm. They all giggle, while the woman beside him begins poking the wound as if it were a science project. Gross. While they crack up about Terry shooting a guy, Sam gets away, dragging Andy behind him. The mob chases them, and Sam dives over the kitchen order window, dragging Andy behind him; Andy is almost pulled from the window but manages to kick them away. Andy grabs a bottle of booze off the prep table, and they duck into the walk in fridge, using an ice pick jammed into the handle to lock the door from the inside. The mob chants and shouts in the kitchen, until Terry takes charge and informs them mission accomplished. He sends the loopy Jane Bodehouse to call Maryann to come pick up Sam, but Jane ends up calling a number carved into the wall by the payphone, one with the prelude, “For a good time, call…” I’ve never called one of those, have you? I’m going to make it a point to do it at some point. I need a good time.

Inside the cooler, Andy and Sam declare, after some deliberation, that they are indeed, fucked. At Lafayette’s house, a black-eyed, vicious Tara whines to Lettie Mae to untie her. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that tying her up isn’t helping, but Lafayette enters the living room, and tells her it’s for Tara’s own good, and theirs too. Lettie Mae holds Tara head, and asks her to tells her what she needs. Tara headbutts her in the face, and cackles maniacally. Lafayette enters, carrying a baseball bat, and holds Tara’s face, telling her she’s stronger than whatever has this hold on her, to get out of there, but Tara spits in his face, and continues laughing. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that they need Miss Jeanette, but Lafayette says Tara needs some Thorazine and a padded cell. Lettie Mae sits in front of Tara and repeats Psalm 103:02-4 of David ” Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, and redeems your life from [sic] destruction (the pit…)”

Lafayette finishes the verse, and tells Lettie Mae that despite his agreement with Jesus to see other people, they still talk from time to time. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that he’s been good to her, and tries to take the blame for her ending up this way, but Lafayette declares he shares some, for kicking Tara out on her birthday. Lettie Mae holds a rag on Tara upturned face, and Tara opens her black eyes, and tells her mother that he’s coming, he’s on his way, and he’s going to kill them all; Tara punctuates her deranged billing for the god with an evil little cackle. Sookie and Bill pull up to her house, and see the big rotting statue of disgusting mess that Maryann has built. Bill is the first to ask what it is, but Sookie wrinkles her nose, and says whatever the hell it is, it reeks. The flies buzzing around the nasty statue are a definite hint. The door to the house is wide open, and the inside is dimly lit by candles, but filth and rubble, plants and sticks and everything else is thrown all over. It looks like wood chipper blew up in there.

Inside, animals, presumably rats, squeal, and Sookie takes Bill’s hand for strength as she looks around at her Gran’s trashed home. At the foot of the stairs, Sookie sees the photo she gave Tara of her with Sookie, and Gran, as children. It’s hanging out of a broken frame. Sookie calls for Tara up the stairs, when her phone rings; Sookie answers it, and it’s Lafayette, asking when she’ll be back. Sookie tells him she’s at her house, and asks about Tara. Lafayette tells her she needs to leave the house now, but Sookie asks again about Tara, and Lafayette tells her he isn’t nearly as worried about Tara as he is Sookie, still in that house. Lafayette tells her to get out, to run, just as Bill sets eyes on the bull mask, sitting above the fireplace. Sookie takes Bill’s hand, and runs for the door, but Maryann is waiting for them, and she asks what they’re doing in her house. Sookie, fully pissed off, tells Maryann that this is not her house; Maryann says it is now, and walks toward Sookie, who backs away, beside Bill a brick wall, who “strongly suggests” Maryann leaves immediately.

Maryann declares Bill “quite the specimen,” but remarks that nothing will stop him from leaving her one day. Sookie tells Maryann that she doesn’t scare her, and Maryann snatches her up by the throat, with vampire speed, and pins her on the wall. When Maryann touches her, she sees her first encounter with Maryann; running through the woods, and being attacked by a creature with a bull’s head. Bill tears Maryann away from Sookie, and tells her to leave, then sinks his teeth into an enthusiastic Maryann, who encourages him to “ravage” her. Gross, Bill, don’t, ew. Bill starts gagging and foaming at the mouth, Sookie holds him while he barfs up Maryann’s black blood, while Maryann laughs her ass off. Maryann approaches Sookie, with her hands on the side of her face, and asks, “What are you?” but a fed up, cranky Sookie, says “None of your business!” and puts her hand on Maryann’s face, then shoves her away; electrical blue and violet light surrounds Sookie’s hand.

The light dies away, while everyone looks kind of shocked, then Sookie remembers Bill, gathers him up, and drags him back to the car, while Maryann continues laughing, now tickled pink with Sookie, still asking ‘what are you?’ as they leave. In the cooler, Sam and Andy sit looking, unfortunately, still pretty well fucked, –only now they’re colder. Andy shares his booze, and asks Sam if he’s glad Andy didn’t take his advice and stop drinking, holds up the bottle and says, this could save our lives. Sam tells Andy that if he’d have left town when he wanted to, nobody’d be in this situation. Andy tells him not to beat himself up, that he’s been real good to Bon Temps, even if he is a sometimes nudist. Sam should go ahead and let Andy know why he’s a “sometimes nudist” before things get awkward. Sam tells him people are going to start dying soon, but Andy points out that people already are dying, Nancy, aka Miss Jeanette, and Daphne, –but he can’t remember her name. Sam tells him it was Landry, if that was even her real name.

And tells Sam that he heard him and Daphne were close, that he’s sorry. Sam tells him thanks. Prepare for Andy’s drunken speech; he tells Sam that when he was a kid, he had a nanny, named Annie, –Annie the Nanny. Then goes on, and tells Sam she used to say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man was king. He says that he reckons she said that because she believed Andy was one of the blind. Andy says he thinks that Sam is the one-eyed man, and Andy admits that he envies that. Sam tells Andy honestly, that he has no idea what he’s talking about, –er, join the club. Andy says he doesn’t know what he’s talking about either. Note to Andy, do not start waxing philosophical when your blood alcohol level is five times the legal amount. Jason rolls up outside Merlotte’s in his big truck, arms himself with a nail gun and a chainsaw, and sneaks into Merlotte’s bar. Inside, no single evening of drunken fornication can prepare him for what he’s about to see.

A girl is thrusting some guy’s face into her crotch, people are climbing all over the tables, licking mustard off a girl’s legs, and doing all kinda freaky shit. In an attempt to disrupt the party, Jason cranks up his chainsaw, but the crowd only cheers him on, and continues their various weird drunken deeds. Jason chainsaws through the stereo, but still, no luck. Exasperated, he holds up his nail gun, and heads out to floor. Some fat guy grabs him, so Jason nails his shirt to the bar, then heads over to where Terry and Arlene are grinding all nasty up against each other, in some sad, disgusting mockery of what’s known as “dancing.” Jason grabs Arlene and threatens to use the nail gun on her, but Arlene only laughs, while other people in the crowd get excited; one woman tells Jason, “yeah! Nail her!” Despite Terry’s inebriation, his care for Arlene gives him a small chance to see more clearly. He calls a time out and asks Jason for his demands. Jason says they all need to leave the bar, and so Terry commands them to “retreat” but promises to unfuck the situation at a later date. They follow Terry’s orders, and leave.

Terry asks for Arlene when he gets to the door, but Jason gets him all the way outside first, then hands over Arlene, who gibbers happily to Terry while Jason locks the door. On the road, Sookie is driving to Lafayette’s, while Bill hangs his head out the car window and barfs. Sookie tells Bill she’s going to call Eric, and Bill hollers that he won’t go to Eric, even though he’s puking and drooling all over the place. He asks Sookie what happened back there, and Sookie admits she doesn’t know, but she does tell him that she knows it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods. Bill growls angrily that he’ll kill Maryann, but Sookie asks him how. Bill admits he doesn’t know, and suggests that Tara might know something, since she’s been under Maryann’s influence. He asks for Sookie’s wrist so he can heal, and she offers it warily; seems like a dangerous thing to do while driving, but all right. At Merlotte’s Jason informs Andy and Sam that they can come out, he got rid of “all them saucer eyed motherfuckers.”

Sam and Andy are crouched by the door, and not quite ready to open it for anybody, which includes Jason Stackhouse, since the last time they walked into a trap. Andy calls bullshit, but Jason says he swears on his Gran’s grave. That convinces them and they crack the door to check Jason’s eyes. Once satisfied, they leave the cooler. Jason tells them he locked all the doors, and explains he got them out by threatening to “shoot a bunch of nails into Arlene’s brain, but if we’re gonna get out of here, we’ll need an even bigger divergence.” Uh huh… As soon as Jason finishes his ridiculous sentence, a beer keg crashes through the window, and the mob comes pouring back in. With the three men surround on all sides, Terry comes out of the mob, sits his gun on the prep table, and sits down. He lights a cigarette and says, “Sam Merlotte. There’s no escaping, Sam Merlotte. The ‘God who Comes’ always gets what he comes for. And as for you, Jason Stackhouse, –not cool.”

Jason tells them ain’t no normal god ever gonna come near them, and Mike Spencer says that god won’t be happy with him, “I bet he’ll eat ya.” Jason mocks their retarded laughing, but they only hoot louder. Sam tells Jason and Andy to save themselves, but Andy promises they’ll get him out of there. Sam, his mind made up, asks Andy, ‘then what?’, and tells him Maryann won’t ever let up, and he has to end this. Andy tells him no, but Sam backs up to the mob, and they grab him; think of forced crowd surfing. They cheer, and carry him off. At Lafayette’s, Tara is slightly rocking back and forth, and chanting in a monotone voice. Lafayette slaps her and tells her to snap out of it, but she just keeps chanting and rocking. Lafayette comments that this has got to be the “worst motherfuckin intervention in history.” Someone knocks, and Lafayette answers, thinking it’s Sookie, but it’s one of his customers, wanting V. Lafayette tells her she needs to leave, but she argues, –however, Bill and Sookie just pulled up. Bill rushes to the door, and with his fangs out, tells her she needs to leave now. The girl takes off, and Bill gives Lafayette a nasty look, until Lafayette explains that Eric is the one making him push V.

Sookie runs up, and asks where Tara is, while Bill continues staring down Lafayette; they eventually go inside, when Lafayette remembers that he has to invite Bill in, and they find Tara looking all evil, quiet now. Sookie comes closer, and almost touches Tara’s face, asking what happened to her. Tara snaps at her fingers, and tells her, “Get me the fuck out of her you stupid cunt, or I will kill you.” Ooh, damn. Sookie backs up, and Lafayette tells her that they’re losing her. Sookie leans in again and looks into Tara’s mind, but sees only black nothing, –well, black nothing with shimmery stuff around the edges. She tells them it’s all dark in there, and Lettie Mae freaks out a little, asking if Sookie can see in her head. Tara hollers “stop trying to rape my brain!” and Sookie explains that she can’t see anything, that Tara’s gone. Lafayette tells her not to say that, getting more upset, and Bill tells her that she’ll have to go further into Tara’s mind than ever before. Tara sees Sookie’s wrist, and asks casually if she tried to kill herself, then says she doesn’t blame her, with Sookie’s fucked up life.

Ooh, Tara is a vicious bitch; I mean, she was a vicious bitch before, but now she’s really building up steam. Sookie leans closer, and looks into Tara’s mind, further, and sees snapshot images of the night they first tried to kill Sam, and Maryann dancing by the fire. She pulls back, and tells them there’s something she can’t cross; an abyss. Bill suggests he glamour her, and Lettie Mae starts to object, but Bill tells her it might help. Sookie says she doesn’t want to hurt Tara, and Bill reminds her that leaving Tara like that would be worse, for them, and Tara. While Bill starts in with his soft hypnotism routine, the mob is dancing around a car, while holding Sam in place on top of it. Suddenly, a road flare flies through the air, then another, catching the attention of the mob. Suddenly, Jason stands up, shirtless, wearing welding gloves, and a gas mask, waving road flares, laughing manically. He says, “It is me, the god who comes, and now I am here!” Uh huh.. Mike Spencer asks if he’s really the god who comes, and Sam signals Andy that they need horns, –Jason tells Andy to go get them, then bellows that Sam Merlotte is his offering.

Jason hollers that they can all go home. Jane Bodehouse looks put out, slumps and says “Really?” Jason confirms, and says that Sam Merlotte is the best offering ever, then gifts them with, “ummm… great weather… and… good crops! Now leave!” Terry Bellefleur calls bullshit, and says the god has horns. Just in time, Andy holds up a branch behind Jason’s head, and Jason bellows again. Sam slides off the car, bows sort of, and says, “Oh lord, smite me,” but Jason can’t hear him. Sam says louder, and slower, for Jason to “smite” him, then turns around. Jason, or the god who comes, says quietly, “I don’t even know what you’re saying man.” Sam, frustrated, hollers over his shoulder at Jason to, “smite me, motherfucker!” Jason gets it, and hollers “I smite thee, Sam Merlotte! Diiiiiiiiiiiie!” Sam convulses then disappears into thin air, his clothes landing in a heap. Jason and Andy freak out, along with everyone else there. Jason, the god in welding gloves and a gasp mask, says “There! Happy?” Terry answers, well, yeah. Jason tells them to tell their leader he is pleased, then orders them to leave.

A fly buzzes around Terry’s face then flies off. The crowd cheers, and disperses, carrying off Sam’s clothes to Maryann. Won’t she be surprised? Jason and Andy look around for Sam, wondering what the hell happened, and suddenly, he appears butt-naked except for a cooking apron, using fire extinguishers on the road flares. He tells them he’ll explain later, and to help him put the flares ut before they start a fire. Jason and Andy look properly miffed, and Andy kicks back a swig of booze, then claims that’s the last drink he’ll ever take, then hands Jason the bottle. At Lafayette’s, Bill is still trying to glamour Tara and he commands her to let Sookie in, who holds Sookie from behind. Bill tells Tara to do as he says, but Tara coldly replies that she isn’t his fucking slave girl. Lafayette tells Tara to listen to Bill, and Lettie Mae prays while they try again. Bill somewhat successfully manages to glamour Tara for a moment, and tells Sookie to go into her mind now. Images and lost memories flood through Tara’s mind, while the black in her eyes shrinks.

The black in Tara’s eyes melts away and then they are normal. She blinks, looks around, and says, “Oh my god, I’m crazy,” then begins to cry. Sookie comforts her, and tells her that it wasn’t Tara doing those things. Tara sees her mother, and begins to sob, and tell her she’s sorry. Lettie Mae tells her too, that she knew it wasn’t Tara. Lettie Mae thanks Sookie and Bill. Sookie gets up, and tells them she needs air, before she goes outside, and Bill follows her. Lafayette joins Lettie Mae and Tara, and hugs them tight, but suddenly, Tara remembers Eggs, and jumps up to run and go get him. Lettie Mae locks the door, and Lafayette holds onto Tara, telling her no. Outside on the porch, Sookie tells Bill about the ordeal from her perspective; every part of Tara was gone, totally replaced, and that she thought only vampires could hypnotize people. Bill tells her honestly that human minds are very easily manipulated. Sookie tells him it’s all coming from Maryann, that even though she eats human hearts, she wants more, their souls. She tells Bill about the chant.

Sookie repeats some of the chant to Bill, and he suddenly remembers it from a book he read a long time ago, about a creature he thought was only a myth, but now believes Maryann might be one. Sookie asks what Maryann is, and more importantly, how to kill her. Bill admits he doesn’t know, but does know one vampire who might, and if he is going to make it to where she is by daylight, he’ll have to leave right then. Sookie wants to go with him, but Bill tells her he has to go alone, but he’ll be back by morning, –whatever the hell that means. How exactly does he plan to be there by dawn, yet make it back to Sookie by morning? I’m a bit confused. He tells Sookie he can do more good for the normal people left in town, if she stays there. Sookie admits that he’s right, and points out that look at what happened the last time she left. Bill asks if she can do, whatever it was she did to Maryann, again. Sookie says she doesn’t know, that she doesn’t know what she even did.

Bill says all right, and tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and makes her promise to stay away from her home. Sookie promises, and they kiss, before Bill turns and leave so fast, it makes a breeze that blows Sookie’s hair back. Woo, ain’t he fast?! At Bill’s house, Hoyt’s having a hell of a time keeping his mama locked up; Maxine is tugging at his pants while she hollers to be let loose, and he tries to lock all the doors. Jessica sits on the stairs looking tired, and about to lose her cool. Maxine calls Jessica a “devil slut” and Jessica growls that she’s getting real tired of this shit, and Hoyt hollers at his mama to treat Jessica with respect or he’ll lock her up in the cubby hole until Vampire Bill gets home. Maxine mocks him, saying that now he thinks he’s Dirty Harry, “since you’ve been dipping your penguin dick in that vamper tramp!” Hoyt looks humiliated, and Jessica snaps forward, gripping the bars on the stair rail. Maxine tells Hoyt that him and his daddy were both “half-men”, and Jessica stands up, coming down the stairs a bit more. Hoyt tells her to calm down, while Maxine continues to instigate the situation.

Jessica’s fangs come out, and she warns Maxine that she doesn’t have much control over her actions, and that she hasn’t eaten in days. Hoyt is suddenly very worried, and asks “Seriously?” Jessica lunges for Maxine, and Hoyt tries to pull her off his mama, but Jessica flings him away, and asks Maxine for one good reason not to drain her dry. Maxine tells her she doesn’t have to give her nothing, and Jessica snaps and bites her. Hoyt panics, and hollers “Fuck! No!” Elsewhere, Bill is walking into a modern castle, very pretty, and the security guard at the gate tells him the queen is expecting him. Bill heads down the narrow walkway, with water on both sides, and enters a foyer where the entrance is decorated with white coral and shells. He greets the queen, and says, “Your Majesty,” and whatever he is looking at, must be interesting, because all we can see is a very pretty foot with blood dripping down it.

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