2. Werewolves are werewolves for one night a month. Vampires are cold hard bloodsucking bastards for hundreds of years, every day, and all hours. Except maybe the daylight hours.

3. Vampires are smarter. It’s true, sorry, but werewolves are mostly created from the “let’s go investigate scary noise” horror movie stock or, “ignore the crazy gypsy woman” types. Vampires are created either by choice, or because they were just so damn sexy.

4. Vampires are faster; they retain human forms, and don’t become huge, ungainly half-man half-wolf creatures that have to re-learn how to walk. Animal reflexes are on the werewolves side, but supernatural speed, –nope.

5. Werewolves are usually crippled by a lengthy, painful transformation, giving a vampire ample time to smoke, check his laundry, eat a light dinner of blonde virgin, watch the latest episode of True Blood on HBO, come back after picking up his dry cleaning, and finish on the werewolf before he’s even finished growing a tail.

6. Vampires are more popular; they’re hot, and they look like gorgeous pale people, thus, they’re more likely to have human allies, willing to die for them. Werewolves are scruffy, un-hygienic looking guys, who might have one girlfriend that they end up killing off themselves.

7. It’s easier for vampires to blend in with humanity, giving them an edge when it comes to hiding, or using the element of surprise in a fight. Werewolves are huge, mutant dog people; they don’t really have the same thing going for them once they’ve transformed.

8. Vampires multiply faster; it takes one night for a vampire to turn like, a dozen or so people. It takes a whole month for a werewolf to turn someone, or at least for the effect to kick in.

9. In the event that a vampire should have to flee, because the werewolf is fighting dirty, or ganging up on one vampire, then vampires can always shapeshift into something with wings, like these so-freaking-horrfiyingly-ugly-they’re-cute vampire bats. Then they can come back later and snuff the werewolf when he’s in the bathtub or something.

Related Reading:

Bloodsucking Fiends

Bloodsucking Witchcraft: An Epistemological Study of Anthropomorphic Supernaturalism in Rural Tlaxcala

Developing a Supernatural Lifestyle: A Practical Guide to a Life of Signs, Wonders, and Miracles

Supernatural: Meetings with the Ancient Teachers of Mankind

Glass Houses (Morganville Vampires, Book 1)

Related posts:

1. Vampires VS Werewolves
2. 10 Reasons It Sucks Having A Vampire Boyfriend
3. Totally Awesome Vampire Costumes!

(In no particular order)

1. Requiem: Out of all the vamps in Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series I’m sure most would pick  Jean Claude and while Jean Claude is a sexy vampire, it’s Requiem that has my blood stirring. A tall, dark and handsome vampire that quotes poetry, is honorable and has some fantastic lusty powers is my kinda guy.

2. Eric Northman: Eric from HBO’s hit TV show True Blood. Ok, he was cute at first, but once he got that haircut I was hooked. He’s cocky and a total badass, the kind of guy that’ll get you in trouble… but it’d be worth it.

3. Aubrey: The lead vampire in the excellent teen novel Demon in My View by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes. Aubrey has the killer body to go with his killer‘s nature. This wasn’t your sweet moral vamp, he is evil and damned proud of it, also, the raven black hair gets him extra points.

4. Angel: Played by the gorgeous David Boreanaz on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and later the spin-off show Angel. He was sweet and dreamy in Buffy but once he got his own show was when I really fell. He went from being dark and brooding one minute to being a totally silly goof ball that you couldn’t help but love the next. Unfortunately sexing him up wont end well, but hell, I’d be fun while it lasted.

5. Marius de Romanus: While reading Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles I’m sure most women were swooning over the devilish Lestat or innocent Louis, not me, it was all for Marius. Hey, I have a thing for the wise and intelligent men.

6. Damon Salvatore: Damon, from the hit show The Vampire Diaries and book series. Damon has a fantastic and wicked (sometimes cruel) sense of humor that is of course an instant turn on. He is that mysterious bad boy with a hidden soft side (deeply hidden) that you want to explore every inch of.

7. Selene: Ok ok, I may be a boys only kind of girl but Selene from Underworld is so damned sexy she gets a free pass. I don’t even need to give her a description, you know she’s hot.

8. Anyone in Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dark Hunters series. I tried to pick just one, I can’t, they all win.

9. Spike: The sometimes evil sometimes good Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Spike was sexy, hilarious and goodness, that jaw line mmm mmm.

10. Henry Fitzroy: Henry was a main character in Blood Books by Tanya Huff and also the show Blood Ties, but it’s the book version that I really loved. Henry is blood, sex and charm – a perfect vampire for a night of fun.

- Moonlight

Related Reading:

Blood Promise (Vampire Academy, Book 4)

Danse Macabre (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, Book 14)

The Vampire Diaries: The Struggle

Codes of the Underworld: How Criminals Communicate

Sookie Stackhouse, Books 1-7

Related posts:

1. Why Do We Love Vampires?
2. Vampire Shows
3. Playboy Makes Vampires Even Sexier

(In no particular order)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-2003): Come on, we all know Buffy! “In every generation there is a chosen one… she alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.” The show ran for seven seasons and features some of the best pop culture referencing ever (I know I have quoted Buffy lines a million times). The super hilarious show, about the sexy vampire slayer Buffy, was and still is a huge hit with many. The boys were dreaming about Buffy and the girls were drooling over Spike and/or Angel.

Angel (1999-2004): Angel was the Buffy spin off show about Buffy’s first love, the vampire with a soul – Angel. The show was about Angel seeking forgiveness and redemption. He leaves Sunnydale (and Buffy) to go to Los Angeles, where he and his crew fight evil. Like Buffy this show is full of great lines and is funny as hell, the show rocked.

True Blood (2008 – current): This ongoing, racy and sexy show quickly became a huge hit. About Sookie Stackhouse, a psychic waitress that falls in love with a vampire in a world where vampires are known. Cue the chaos… and fun.

The Vampire Diaries (2009 – current): A new vampire drama aimed at teenagers that is gaining new fans every week. The plot revolves around Elena Gilbert, the beautiful teen that is the object of passion for two vampire brothers, one good, and one evil. Stefan and Daman battle over Elena in a plot full of mystery and revenge.

Moonlight (2007-2008): This show is about a vampire detective that falls in love with a mortal woman. Unfortunately for its fans this vamp show only lasted one season.

Kindred: The Embraced (1996): A series that only lasted 8 episodes and was loosely based on the Vampire the Masquerade RPG by White Wolf games. I loved this show and all the vampire races it had. The show followed the vampire Julian Luna, Julian is the “prince” of the city, ruler of five groups of vampires in the city called The Kindred. The vampires survive through the masquerade, disguising themselves as humans, and Julian strictly enforces the laws that govern them to protect their anonymity.

The Munsters (1964-1966): This is a classic, you may not have seen it but you’ve heard of it. It’s a 1960s show about a family of monsters. You had vampires, Frankenstein’s monster, werewolves and more. The perfect show to watch if you are in an old school kinda mood.

Forever Knight (1992–1996): This show followed 800-year-old vampire Nick Knight, a detective working in Toronto on a quest for redemption. The show lasted three seasons and ended on a huge cliffhanger.

Blood Ties (2006-2007): Yet another vampire detective show based loosely on the Blood Books by Tanya Huff. The show follows the super sexy ex-cop Vicki Nelson. Vicki along with the vampire Henry Fitzroy solves an assortment of supernatural cases. I was really sad that this show only lasted 2 seasons.

Blade: The Series (2006): A show based on the Blade comic and hit movies. It followed our favorite ass kicking half vampire half human vampire hunter. In spite of the movies success, the show did poorly and only lasted one season.

Vampire High (2001-2002): This was an almost painfully cheesy show about a vampire school (I still watched every episode in spite of the bad acting and camp-factor). To quote the opening title sequence…”When The Great Eclipse plunged the world into darkness, the vampire race erupted in a civil war. The bloodthirsty ‘Fury’ battled the enlightened Elders for domination of the undead. In desperation, the Elders gathered up those young vampires that could be saved and entrusted them to me. To humanize them, to tame their instincts and teach them how to live among mortals.” The result is a show with vampires more angsty and emo than any you’ve ever seen or read about.

Dark Shadows (1966-1971): Another old vampire show, this time a gothic soap opera that follows the strange happenings to the Collins family and their friends. The show features everything from vampires, to witches, werewolves – you name it.

Ultraviolet (1998): A mini series that followed Michael Colefield. Ultraviolet revolves around a government-funded paramilitary police unit, which may have connections to the Roman Catholic Church fighting a secret war against a worldwide vampire conspiracy. Even though about modern vampires, the word “vampire” is never used in the show.

Being Human (2008-current): A British supernatural drama-comedy series about three people living together, just trying to live normal lives. With the three people being a vampire, ghost and werewolf that is a little hard to do.

Of course, if there is a show we missed that you feel needs some lovin’ please leave comment and let us know.

- Moonlight

Related Reading:

The Watcher's Guide, Volume 1 (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Moonlight Road

Moonlight Warrior

The Awakening (Vampire Diaries)

Bitter Blood: A True Story of Southern Family Pride, Madness, and Multiple Murder (Onyx)

Related posts:

1. List of VILF (Vampires I’d Like to F**k)
2. Taylor Swift In The Vampire Diaries (maybe)
3. Famous Vampire Hunters

Downstairs, in Sookie’s house, Maryann is attended by her zombified bridesmaids. Eggs is holding Sookie as she struggles to get away from the goofy looking egghead, while Sookie tells Maryann off, about just coming in and taking over all her shit, –her house, her Gran’s dress, her friends, –except Jane Bodehouse. Jane tells Sookie she’s always liked Sookie for giving her extra pickles. Sookie promises Maryann that she’s not going to let “this” happen. What exactly does she mean? Seems like Maryann has clusterfucked everything up plenty; as a matter of fact, in the scheme of things, it seems like she pretty much accomplishes what she set out to do. Maryann tells her little bridesmaids to scoot off, so she can talk to Sookie alone, and they take off, with Eggs following them at Maryann’s command. Maryann wants Sookie to do her electricity thing again; apparently, she liked it. Sookie tries, but can’t, and smacks Maryann’s shoulders in frustration. Maryann tells her, “That’s hitting me,” and tells Sookie she isn’t committing herself to what she’s doing. Damn right, committing yourself to hitting Maryann, in my view, would be taking a whole package of ephedrine, an aluminum baseball bat with nails welded into it, and then hitting her.

Sookie argues with Maryann that she doesn’t have any special powers, that she’s a human being, but Maryann doesn’t believe her, and demonstrates why: Maryann does her impression of a vibrator, and nothing happens! She tells Sookie if she were human, she’d be her mindless little goon by now, and asks Sookie again, “What are you?” Sookie, unphased as always, snaps back, “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” Neener. At the Fortenberry doublewide, Maxine is dancing around the kitchen and singing in a toneless growl that will surely be the biggest scare of this episode, –when suddenly, she sees Hoyt’s asleep, grabs her casserole of doom, and makes a break for it. She runs into a yarn trip-wire which jerks Hoyt’s arm up. He wakes up and runs to catch his crazy hag of a mother. Hoyt tells her that he’s going to try to forget everything she said while she was all zombified. Maxine tries to fight him off, throws things at him, and tries to run again, but he catches her and forces her back in.

Maryann continues her interrogation in Sookie’s living room, asking if Sookie if she’s ever felt anyone watching over her; Sookie answers yes, but felt that it was God, –in the Christian sense. Maryann tells her that it wasn’t the kind of God Sookie is thinking of, and Sookie remembers the night she threw the chain at Mack Rattray, when it wrapped around his neck and squeezed tight. Oooh, very interesting. Sookie asks Maryann what she is, but Maryann has no answer, other than Sookie is beyond human, with energy she can’t channel, which is rare but not unique in Bon Temps, –and Sookie remembers Sam. She asks Maryann if she’s planning to marry Sam, and Maryann looks genuinely offended, then goes on about how she’s marrying a god. Honey, we all thought that at first; sure, he’s a god, then ten years later, it’s lite beer, sex on an annual basis, meaningful relationships with Oprah, and if you’re lucky, it’s alimony and an affair with your mailman.

Maryann explains that Sam is just the wedding present, pht, more like the reception dinner. Gross. She starts getting choked up about how long she’s waited for this, and Sookie asks how she knows ‘He’ is even coming. Maryann is sure of it though, and tells Sookie the time has never been more perfect. Sookie tells Maryann that Sam hasn’t done anything to deserve being sacrificed amongst a bunch of loonies, but Maryann tells Sookie about how Sam appeared to her as the ideal vessel; naked, a virgin, and drawn to the statue that represents the birth of her god. Remember the weird looking, barely humanoid statue that Maryann drags around with her everywhere? Yeah, that one. Maryann reveals that Sookie is there because Sam will come running for her; so as Sam’s sacrifice, i.e., the cutting out of his heart, will bring Maryann’s special god, Sookie will draw Sam there, “running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.” Maryann has a hell of a sense of humor. For a manipulative, lunatic psycho bitch, I can sort of see the appeal in wanting to be super good friends with her. The zombie part is a downside, but sex, drugs, running around naked, –well, the music isn’t exactly great. Eh… maybe being forced to screw to the sounds of two guys banging on “authentic” drums from Pier 1 Imports isn’t as fun as it looks.

Maryann places a big leafy garland on Sookie’s head declares it beautiful. Right up until aphids starts crawling around on her scalp, sure, looks great. At the Queen’s high security fortress, Eric is playing Yahtzee as if he were being forced to withstand the torments of a thumbscrew, and looks even less enthusiastic when the Queen tells him they play to five million. Good god, by one million I’d be trying to drown myself in her pool. Rather than repeat every vacuous thing the Queen says, I’ll give you the highlights; she tells Eric the death of his maker, “blows.” How kind, what a nice sentiment, tell me, do you practice flippantly commenting on the deaths of other vampires that are obviously far more superior? The Queen has mad “intellectual” skills. While Eric tries to thank her, the Queen hollers “Yahtzee!”, and after her little outburst, she asks Eric what he said, then interrupts him again to ask him if he knew there was a maenad in Renard Parish, –the location of Bon Temps. Eric reminds her that is the reason he came, and she tells him he shouldn’t get involved.

The Queen tells Eric she told Bill a bunch of “hand-me-down folklore” that could be either “gospel or gorilla shit.” What an attractive female. Then she tells Eric, as if it were the biggest scandal, that she thinks Bill is monogamous with his human; oh no, what is the world coming to?! Eric confirms that Bill is in love with her, and Hadley speaks up, “he is?” but gets a deadly look from the Queen, and looks back down. The Queen tells Eric that she isn’t surprised, that Eric’s probably in love with Sookie too, but Eric denies loving humans; the Queen tells Eric that Sookie isn’t entirely human, and asks if he’s tasted her. Eric, with unabashed regret, tells the Queen no, and she warns him not to ever, because one vampire falling in love is bad enough. They agree that Bill Compton has a knack for finding trouble, and then she asks, out of the blue, –oh shit, –how Bill knows that she is making Eric sell vampire blood for her. Where the fuck did that come from? I guess shit rolls downhill after all. The Queen tells him that the guards hear everything, and Eric tells her that Bill doesn’t know that she is supplying it.

The Queen snaps up from her seat, and pins Eric, fangs out, and tells him, “He better not. I’m holding you responsible,” she kisses him all nasty, but there’s not really anything in it, other than a sort of ‘haha I can make your dick hard before I kill you’ sort of female dominatrix thing. Eric’s fangs pop out, and she tells him they’re lovely, –in comparison to hers, which look like big nasty tusks, –and she tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her ‘Queendom’ (now there’s a funny word), she can own his fangs as earrings. Eric answers that he understands, and promises to personally take care of Bill Compton. Before they can start getting all nasty on the floor, the dingy foreign guy clears his throat and tells Eric, “It’s your turn to make-a Yahtzee.” They sit up, and have an awkward moment, before Eric throws the dice, stares at them, and the Queen tells him he sucks at it. Well, Yahtzee isn’t the most manly game now is it, you dentally deformed pop-philosophic bitch from turn of the 20th century hell?

In the woods near Sookie’s house, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur prepare to ’storm the fortress.’ Jason gears himself up with a bunch of action movie quotes, the last of which is, “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” Uh huh… well, we can hope that he isn’t smelling it out of a paper bag held over his mouth and nose, at least. After some debate, Jason convinces Andy to storm into the midst of the nutcases frolicking around Gran’s lawn, –Bud Dearborn, sans the pants, singing into a sausage is probably one of the best scenes. It takes about twenty seconds for them to become zombified; Andy, the lush, goes first, then Jason. Jason grabs the first gross old hag he sees and starts making out with her. Egads, if there’s anything that might make you want to puke in your soup, that’d be it. At Merlotte’s, Sam approaches Bill after putting Arlene’s kids to bed in his trailer, and Bill goes about the process of making Sam face Maryann. Sam naturally, is a little resitant, but Bill indicates, with fangs out, that he doesn’t plan to give Sam a choice.

In Sookie’s living room, everybody is taking turns licking the egg after a swig of wine, and finally, we find out where the egg comes from. Sookie voices a question we’ve all been asking for a week: “What is with the egg? Did you lay it?” If so, licking it is highly unsanitary, and still is. Think of the germs, people! Does the word “mono” mean anything to you? Maryann tells Sookie it’s an ostrich egg, to symbolize fertility, and then the group forces Sookie to lick it too. Nasty. She should have asked if she could lick the egg first, and avoid having everyone else’s spit in her mouth. Ah, bachelorette party games; Sacrifice the Shapeshifter, Lick the Fertility Egg, –what will they come up with next? Jason and Andy bust in and interrupt the ladies, to announce that the vessel has arrived! Woohoo! Let’s get it started in here, let’s get several degrees more retarded in here! Unfortunately, no one busts out into a song dance routine, they just get all giggly and excited, and ready for Maryann’s big moment.

Sookie is upset that Jason’s been turned zombie, but the state doesn’t seem to have altered him much; he tells Sookie she looks beautiful. Sookie says she won’t be part of Maryann’s wedding, and the original bridezilla threatens to kill her brother if she doesn’t; Sookie agrees, and Maryann tells Jason to make sure Sookie behaves. They get ready for the long walk “down the aisle”, and Jason drags Sookie along behind him. Andy has the job of holding Maryann’s train, which makes him look a bit like Quasimodo, and Tara gets to hold the egg, yay! Outside, a bunch of nutcases have somehow managed enough coherence to throw together a small orchestra for the Wedding March. Arlene and Jane Bodehouse get to be flower girls, and Lafayette gets to carry the big bull mask. The rest of the crowd chants and watches retard anticipation. Bill arrives, and calls to Maryann that he has the sacrifice; Sookie’s pissed! Bill offers Sam in exchange for Sookie, and despite Sookie, and Sam’s protests, the exchange is made.

Bill holds Sookie, who struggles for Sam, and Sam hollers for Bill to get Sookie out of there, so she doesn’t have to watch him die. Maryann, pleased as punch, tells the pallbearers, or I guess, best men, that Sam is theirs. They take Sam, off to prepare the wedding gift, and Sookie asks Bill accusingly if his vampire told him to sacrifice Sam; Bill only tells her to trust him. Maryann begins the ceremony, and Lafayette places the bull head on top of the big nasty statue, that must really be reeking by now; meat in the sun for a few days? Good god, they’re going to need a fifty gallon drum of Febreeze. Lafayette hollers, “Worship him bitches!” and everyone falls to their knees. Maryann calls for the sacrificial egg, which Tara places inside the nasty statue. Maryann begins hailing her ‘god who comes’, then tells some bastardized version of mythology for the occasion. All you need to know really, is that they need Sam’s heart so that the god can be reborn.

The batshit men of honor carry over the wedding present, Sam, and they set him up; Maryann follows, and tells Sam how lucky he is to have a life that means something. I bet he feels really lucky right about now. Everyone else calls for Maryann to hurry up and sacrifice Sam, while Sookie hollers for Sam to use his gift; Bill pulls Sookie back, and tells her to use hers. Eggs takes the knife and stabs Sam in the chest, Sookie screams, and Maryann tells Eggs to bring her the blood. Eggs obeys, brings Maryann the bloody knife, and she traces a line of Sam’s blood down her throat, half-crying and gibbering about how Sam is surely the vessel that will unite her and her god. Sam calls for Sookie in his thoughts, and Bill lets her go to him; she cries and tells him she’s sorry, but Sam tells her to destroy everything, “all of it.” She goes for the spitty icky egg first, and smashes it on the ground. Too bad, could have made a great big omelett. Tara flips out, hollering that Sookie, “killed our sacred egg!” Sookie hollers that none of this stuff is sacred, then goes about pushing over the giant gross statue. I’m surprised she could touch it without barfing; the thing was probably crawling with flies and dancing rice.

The purple electric light comes from Sookie’s hands again, and she pushes over the huge statue of rotting crap, and then everybody goes nuts. Maryann throws a big bridezilla fit, and apologizes to Dionysus for Sookie’s ruining the offering, then decides to sacrifice all of them. She does her human vibrator impersonation, and makes that nails-on-chalkboard sound, which has all her zombie pals writhing on their knees in agony. Sookie hollers at Maryann to stop, and she does, because now she’s decided to kill Sookie instead. Maryann puts her hands in the dirt, and comes back up with big slimy claws, then heads toward Sookie, –who runs off. And the chase is on! A grunting maenad chases after Sookie, and both of them are in formal-wear, so it’s anybody’s guess as to who trips first, but wait, oh no, it’s Sookie by a landslide! Before Maryann can start slashing Sookie with her big, ugly claws, there’s a distinctly bovine, loud sound  up ahead.

A large white bull trots out of the darkness; is it really Maryann’s god/new husband? Her claws turn back into hands, and she whispers, “My lord. My husband.” Maryann approaches the big bull, and touches its nose, –which is disgusting, if you’ve ever done such a thing, it’s not nearly as romanctic as they make it look here. Maryann starts crying, which is actually really sad, because she’s spent thousands of years alive, waiting for this; she tells him to come to her, then opens her arms. The bull walks slowly toawards her, then gores her with one horn, ripping from her belly to her chest, thus ruining forever Gran’s wedding dress. Damn. The bull jerks his horn up and down, which is pretty gross, because Maryann has black blood. Maryann tells the bull she is happy to die, and suddenly, the bull turns into Sam Merlotte, who tears out Maryann’s still-beating heart. She looks genuinely shocked, and totally miserable, and asks softly, “Was there no god?” Again, this is still pretty sad; Sam crushes her heart in his hand.

Maryann’s face instantly turns black, splits open, and she crumples on the ground. It all looks really gross, especially when Sam, who is standing naked, lets her black, mushy heart flop out of his hand. Sookie watches from where she sits on the ground, and back in her yard, everyone returns to normal, the black in their eyes disappears, and they look around, totally shocked to find themselves in the midst of various bizarre scenes of debauchery. Eggs looks especially troubled, with blood all over his hands. Sookie rushes up to Sam and hugs him, wondering aloud, the same thing the rest of us are wondering, –that Eggs killed him, so …er, wtf? Sam tells her no, almost, and Bill comes limping up the road holding his wrist. Bill falls to his knees as Sookie goes to him, and asks if Maryann is gone, telling Sookie that Sam had to drink more from him than he expected. He explains that he promised Sam he would heal him, if he went to Maryann, because they knew of no other way to destroy the maenad.

Sookie tells Bill she understands, and Bill explains that he wished Sookie could read his thoughts. Sam walks up, and Sookie, amazed, states that he was willing to die for all of them, but Sam says that Bill promised he wouldn’t let that happen, though Sam admits he was ready if things didn’t work out. Sam is now wearing pants, which is a little sad too. Tara and Jason approach, and Jason is the first to say “Holy fuck!” when he sees Maryann’s body. Sookie comforts Tara, and tells Bill to get rid of the body, and she doesn’t care where it’s buried, and tells Jason and Sam to get everybody home. Uh, hello, poor Bill is pretty severely weakened, and Jason can barely tie his own shoes. Jason wants to know what happened, but Sookie tells him not now, and hisses at him to get everyone off of her lawn. Bill approaches Maryann’s body, probably thinking, “God, I have to -touch that-, after I almost died saving a guy I don’t like? This Sookie bitch is high maintenance, I need to find a less demanding blond.”

Tara is still upset, even though everything’s over, and tells Sookie she has a sick feeling that it’s not. Hoyt Fortenberry is on his knees, hugging Maxine, thanking God his mama is okay, while she wonders how they got home. Hoyt asks her what she remembers, and the last thing she can recall is “meetin’ that redheaded vampire” of his, and then, –before she can continue what surely would have been an ugly speech, she finds the bandaids on her neck, over the bite marks Jessica left. Maxine starts freaking out and accusing Hoyt of letting a vampire feed on her, but he explains to her that he brought her straight home. Maxine starts in on a tirade, asking what kind of evil monster would attack an “innocent” person for “no reason.” Hoyt tells his mama that Jessica was “provoked”, and when Maxine’s head snaps up, Hoyt explains that he knew it wasn’t really her, and that she was just saying a bunch of nasty things she didn’t mean. Mm, I’m one of those people who thinks that alcohol is a tongue loosener, and what comes from your mouth when you’re liquored up, comes from the mind, –only the mouth is too stupid with booze to close. And Maxine’s zombified state was similar.

Maxine asks what she said, and Hoyt tells her that she said a bunch of nasty, spiteful things about Jessica, about him, and about his daddy, a bunch of lies about how he shot himself. Maxine looks down and away. Hoyt asks her if it was true, asking if it really was a burglar, but Maxine doesn’t say anything. Hoyt sits back, miserable, and his mother tells him he should know the truth, now that he’s nearly thirty. Hoyt gets up and leaves her sitting there, and hollers that he should have known the truth when he was ten. Hoyt goes on, “…or hell, when I was twenty-five! All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, you keep me from going to college, from doing anything! All because you were scared of some burglar that never existed.” Maxine starts blubbering, claiming she was scared, still is, that Hoyt is all she has left, that she had to hang onto him. Hoyt says, “You lied to me for eighteen years, just cuz you didn’t wanna be alone, instead of lettin me be an actual person,” –Maxine tries to take his arm but he pulls away, and goes on, “You know what I wish, mama? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.”

Maxine covers her mouth and begins to cry, but Hoyt isn’t taken by her bawling, and leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Back on Sookie’s lawn, Arlene is trying to get ahold of her kids, and Terry is staring at the flower garland on his head like it’s a poisonous snake, before tossing it away. Arlene is all upset, and Terry suggest they walk, but Jason offers her a lift. Before they go, suddenly, someone screams, oh boy, and it looks like Jane Bodehouse found her finger. Whoops. Jason takes Jane, and they head off with Arlene in tow to the ER, while Bud Dearborn, behind them, tells Andy to come by the station in the morning and he’ll give back his badge. Andy promises to never take another drink, and Bud tells Andy that he’s man enough to know that he can’t handle the mess the town is in on his own. Bud goes on to admit that while Andy has his faults, at least he’s wearing pants. A fire smolders in a bathtub behind them, and it appears things are coming to rights.

Sam looks out across the yard at a doe in the field nearby, and cries silent tears, thinking of Daphne, her betraying him, and what he lost; he’s alone again. Bill approaches and tells Sam, who wipes his eyes discreetly, that he thanks him for trusting him with his life. Bill understands that it wasn’t easy for Sam, who tries to blow him off, by saying that at least Sookie is safe, which is what Bill wanted. Bill reminds Sam that he wanted Sookie safe too, and Sam tells him that Sookie’s family, like the rest of them, and if there was a way to save the townspeople, how could he say no? Bill tells Sam he’s grateful that he revealed his gift for the sake of the town, and Sam tells him he understands now that he suffers a lot more hiding his gift, than if he had just opened up about it. Bill walks away, and Sam looks behind him to see that the doe has gone. Very sad; I hope someone nice comes along for Sam. Inside, Eggs is flipping out, scrubbing the blood off of his hands, asking Tara where Maryann is, who just assures him that them being okay is all that matters. Oh god, trapped in a nightmare without his pseudo-mommy, and only Tara there to explain things to him? I sure as hell don’t envy Eggs; not only is Tara portrayed as a mean, selfish bitch, she’s never had to deal with a whiny, sissified egghead.

Tara tries to convince Eggs that he doesn’t want to know what he’s forgotten, but he remains hysterical about cleaning his hands. Sookie appears in the doorway to inquire about Bill’s whereabouts, and sees Eggs tweaking out, and asks if they’re okay. Tara tells her she’s all right, and tells Sookie she’s sorry for bringing all this weirdness and insanity into Sookie’s life, that she just wanted to feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs her, reassures her that she is part of her family, and promises that they’ll clean everything up. Sookie sees Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and admits to Tara that she knocked him out. Tara tells her she’ll wake him up, that Sookie can go on to bed. Sookie thanks Tara, and leaves her with the downward spiraling Eggs. Upstairs, Bill and Sookie decide to snuggle before he has to leave at sunrise. The next day at Merlotte’s, Charlaine Harris is telling Sam at the bar that she “certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.” Yep, Charlaine Harris was at the bar, pretty trippy hm?

Tara tries talking to Sam, but he’s acting a little evasive, and Arlene has apparently ordered half the menu for her kids; Lisa tells her that they forgive her, but Arlene tells Lisa that she shouldn’t have to know what that word means. Coby tells Arlene that it’s okay, that Sam took care of them, and took them to see vampires, and “one of them could fly!” Arlene tells them that Mr. Merlotte is a good man, but he isn’t family, that she should have been there, and promises them that she’ll be the best mama ever from now on. Terry Bellefleur approaches their table, and presents the kids with toy guns that make noise. While this is an excellent way to make friends, it will eventually cause Arlene numerous splitting headaches, –so maybe not the best move, but sweet all the same. Terry promises to take care of their mama while she’s at work, if they take care of her at home. Sam calls Arlene and Terry back to work, but before they go, her kids ask her if she saw Rene while she was away. Arlene tells them Rene is still on his “vacation with Jesus”, –when she goes, the kids agree that Rene is dead.

Two sassy old chicks are gossipping about what happened; one thinks Maryann was a martian, who was controlling people and erasing their memories. The other thinks that Maryann was an agent from a pharmaceutical company and she poisoned the water with LSD as a mind control experiment, and that’s why she sticks to Mountain Dew. Sam approaches to give them a refill, and tells them that what really happened was the ATF shut down a distillery in a nearby town over a bad batch of vodka that was pure ethanol, and that’s what everybody was drinking last night, then tells them Mountain Dew is a smart choice. As Sam walks away, one woman thanks god for whoever made Sam’s jeans, and declares she’d wear him like a scrunchie. Well, lord have mercy, get a little more raunchy, will you? Lafayette looks over and comments loudly on how stupid everyone is, and with some sympathy, Tara pours him a drink. Sookie approaches, and he tells her he feels for her the most, because she has to remember all of it. Lafayette goes on to say he doesn’t want to know, and asks her not to tell him, even if he begs, and Sookie interrupts to let him know that Jane Bodehouse wants jumbalaya.

On the other side of the bar, Jane Bodehouse is telling some “admirers” how she lost her finger, and got it sewn back on. Apparently, she figures a gator bit it off when she was down by the lake, but the doctor figures the finger will grow back together since she has such good bone structure. Ech, okay. Andy Bellefleur grumbles behind them, from his table with Jason Stackhouse, that it wasn’t no gator that bit her finger off. He goes on to say she pulled her finger out of a giant statue of meat, and saw her gettin’ it from behind with Mike Spencer. Jane and Co. just laugh at him though, and Jane tells him they all want some of what he’s drinking. Andy growls that he’s only got Diet Coke with lime, but Jason clinks his glass to Andy’s and stares. Andy starts going on a tirade, but Jason tells him to let it go, and squeezes his shoulder. Jason starts telling Andy how they’re heroes, and it begins as a long, dingbat speech, but he ends it pretty well, with Jason saying that the whole point of being a hero is to do something greater than yourself, not for the girls, the glory and such. Jason tells him they’re bigger men than that, and hopefully, Andy’s convinced.

In back, Sookie is pumping mustard, which sounds raunchier than it is, when Sam approaches and asks her if she can keep an eye on the bar while he goes on vacation for a while, which is much needed after the event last night. Sookie tries to thank him, but Sam tells her it’s okay, that he doesn’t really want anyone to know any of what happened. But Sookie argues that she thinks everyone should know how special he is, and hugs him. A woman approaches with a big shopping bag for her, and tells her she has a special delivery for Sookie Stackhouse; Sookie accepts it, and the woman tells her she’s lucky to have such a classy admirer. Aww, how sweet. Sookie asks Sam for a minute to check out her present, and goes outside to look at what she got. It’s a very pretty lavender formal dinner dress, and a note from Bill, telling her he owes her an evening out, and asking if she’d wear the dress that night. That is just so tender, and adorable. Gosh. Eggs grabs her shoulder, and scares the shit out of her, ruining the moment, so he can bother her with his drama.

Eggs desperately wants to know what he did, and has been tearing himself up over it, even though everyone’s told him that it wasn’t him doing it, and that he doesn’t want to know. Apparently, that’s not good enough; ever heard the phrase, “Curosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back?” Eggs doesn’t end up satisfied. Sookie looks into his thoughts, where he’s begging her to help in, and agrees to try to bring his memory back. She takes his hands, and asks her to walk her through his first blackout; and the memories come flooding back. Eggs looks horrified, and takes off, but Sookie follows, and tries explaining to him in small words that it wasn’t his fault, that it was Maryann’s influence controlling him. He argues that it was his hands that did it, and runs off, with Sookie calling to him that she’s sorry. At Bill’s house, Jessica comes down the stairs all dressed up and looking purty, while Bill comes out of the downstairs hallway, all dressed up and purty too. Bill tells her she looks “a vision”, and asks if she’s going to see Hoyt Fortenberry, but she is defensive, and says he’s going to see Sookie. Bill calms her down, says it’s fine, though the guys usually went to see the girls in his day. He acknowledges the change though, and tells her to have a good time.

Before he leaves, Jessica tells Bill that she and Hoyt had a fight, so she was going to go apologize. Bill tells her Hoyt would be a fool not to accept, and Jessica smiles some, –which is so cute, since Bill and Jessica get along terrible! She asks where he’s taking Sookie, and he tells her, a French restaurant, though he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years, and humans love them; Bill seems nervous. Jessica tells him to be back by five, and he tells her to be back by four, then opens the door for her. Aww. Parent and teen bonding! It’s a full on -moment-, y’all! In some other town, somewhere else in the world, Sam rings a doorbell, and calls the woman who answers it, “Mrs. Merlotte.” Oh shit. Inside, Sam notices that there are no pictures of him, and the woman who was his foster mother, claims they keep them put away, because it would be hard to explain to their friends who thought they didn’t have any children. Sam confronts her about abandoning him, but all she can say was that they were scared, and an apology that comes in sobs.

Sam is untouched, and tells her he’s not interested in an apology, he wants to know who his real parents were. But Mrs. Merlotte tells him no, that she swore to them she’d never tell. She tells him, when Sam starts to get upset, that he doesn’t want to know them, because they’re bad people. Sam bitterly replies that she’d know a thing or two about that. A small white monitor alarm goes off, and Sam follows Mrs. Merlotte to the back, where her husband lays dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment, and unable to speak. The man’s hand shakes as he gives him a note that reads: “Melinda & Joe Lee Mickens – Last known in Magnolia Ark – I’m sorry”. Sam’s eyes well up, but he doesn’t cry, as he looks at the dying man in the bed who used to be his daddy. Oh god it’s so sad, I almost cried; almost. At Bill’s, Hoyt Fortenberry is knocking on the door with flowers in his hand, looking for Jessica, –what the hell, didn’t she go to his house? He hollers for her, but there’s no answer.

At a truckstop somewhere, Jessica is making out with some trucker, –ew, wtf is going on here? He snags a condom off the visor, and she tells him that before they go any further, he should know she’s a virgin. He tells her he’ll be gentle, and kinda likes that. Jessica asks, “Really?” and he nods, and then she says she doesn’t like it one bit, shows her fangs, and bites! Holy shit, someone needs to get together an intervention or something, and have a talk with her. She can’t just go around eating truckers, that’s just nasty. At Bill’s, Hoyt looks sadly at the door, and leaves the roses by the front door, then leaves. At the French restaurant, Sookie and Bill have entered, and Sookie notices that Bill has rented out the entire restaurant for their dinner, and he declares he didn’t want to share the site of Sookie with anyone else that night. Aww, that’s so sweet, –and you know, incredibly possessive. Sookie brings up the fact that Bill doesn’t eat, but he invites her to dance, which is a giggly and very cute affair, because both of them can actually dance a bit.

At Merlotte’s, Andy is out in the parking lot headed to his car, when Eggs appears, again looking on the verge of hysterics, and carrying the huge bloody knife he was forced to use to kill people. He begs Andy Bellefleur, who isn’t armed, to lock him up, while Andy circles his car trying to get Eggs to drop the knife. Andy tries to calm him down and take the knife, but Eggs throws him on the ground, and hovers over him with the knife, freaking out. Eggs is hollering at Andy, much too close for comfort with the huge knife, when suddenly, he’s shot in the head; Jason Stackhouse stands away to the side, shocked that he killed the man. Andy sighs, and Jason, figuring that Eggs was going to kill Andy, shot on reflex. Andy tells Jason to go on, and get the hell out of there, and he wipes off the gun, –funny how things work out, really, since Andy’s wanted to pin murder on Jason for so long, and when he gets his chance, he passed it up because Jason killed a man to protect Andy. Everyone comes out of Merlotte’s to see what happened, and Andy tells them Eggs was coming after him with the murder weapon, so he shot him.

Tara sees Eggs, and crouches beside him, crying and sobbing, and shaking his body. Sookie is finishing dessert with Bill, telling him it was the best meal of her life, but Bill tells her he has one last thing, and pulls airline tickets out of his jacket pocket. The tickets are for Burlington, Vermont, –ahem, vampire and human marriages are legal in Vermont. Sookie, confused, asks why they’d go there, until Bill takes a black velvet box out as well, and slides it toward her on the table. She opens it and inside is an emormous rock set in an engagement ring, –Bill Compton is proposing to Sookie Stackhouse, good god almighty! I need a fan or I will surely faint! Bill says, “Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Hell, just the first six words are one hell of a proposal, but the rest of them are pretty fantastic too. Sookie tells Bill, who started out confident, that she doesn’t know what to say, her life’s inside out, she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she starts getting all choked up and sensitive and chattery, and Bill is just like, “What?” Poor man.  She brings up the topic of what’s going to happen when she gets old, which is definitely an interesting question, but Bill assures her that he wants her just how she is, and Sookie argues tearfully that she doesn’t even know what she is!

Lordy, have a tissy fit, why don’t you? Bill asks if she’s saying no, but she yelps that she isn’t, she doesn’t know, and for sobbing out loud, finally gets up and goes to the ladies room to clean herself up. In the bathroom, Sookie slips the engagement ring onto her finger, and looks in the mirror at herself wearing it. Ah, nothing like a huge diamond to wear you down; she smiles. Outside in the restaurant, Bill looks worried and frustrated, then someone wearing black gloves wraps a silver chain around his neck, and yanks him backwards. In the bathroom, Sookie is freshening her lipstick, and looking herself over, much more happy. She leaves the bathroom saying “Yes, Bill Compton I will marry you…” but trails off when she sees the evidence of a struggle in the restaurant, and the door hanging wide. She asks, “Bill?” to the empty scene. And that is where we are abandoned, –for an entire season! Gosh… don’t you feel all empty inside, knowing that you have to wait for months now to see what happens? Damn. Well, hey, there’s always the books!

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Jessica says she’s sorry, and Hoyt goes and scoops Maxine off the floor, while she groans and says that she liked being bitten. Jessica calls for Hoyt, but he tells her he should have listen to Bill when he warned him about her. Jessica looks hurt, and Maxine goes on about “enjoying that” then waves her fingers at Jessica. Hoyt hollers at Jessica, saying, “You see what you did to her?” He takes his mama and walks out the door, leaving Jessica crying. She slams the door, and screams; looks like she’s about to go into a full on meltdown. At the Queen’s “palace”, Bill and a bloody blond stare at each other across the indoor pool, when finally, the Queen returns, haughtily asking Bill what gives him the right to turn down the blood of a good woman. She tells Bill he’s a snob, and that snobs have tiny souls or tiny penises, and so on, etc. Warning you guys right now, the Queen never says anything even vaguely interesting, or informative, so you’ll just have to bear with me while I briefly summarize all her mind-numbingly boring monologues.

The Queen tells the girl on the sofa to get out, and asks Bill if he’s eaten. Before he can even get a word in edgewise, the Queen starts yammering about this Latvian boy he just has to try, and how great he tastes, and god she never shuts up. She offers to summon him, but Bill tells her no, and tries to explain that there are important things he needs to talk about. He tells the Queen he needs to know how to kill a maenad, and the Queen is for once, slightly incredulous, remarking that a maenad in Bon Temps is pretty random. Bill tells her that the maenad has caused mass hypnosis throughout the town in a matter of days, and the Queen, still casual and unconcerned, comments that the maenad must be old, then follows that up by saying that they’re all very old. Bill says, “Ancient Greece, correct?” but the Queen informs him they’re even older, and asks him if there’s been orgies, sacrifices, and –she grins here, and asks about cannibalism. Bill says they suspect so, and she says that’s just “fun!” Oh gosh, isn’t the Queen just helpful as all hell? She should edit Wikipedia!

The Queen goes back to her ancient copy of Vogue, –here’s a woman completely stuck in her own era, –and Bill stares at her for a moment before asking, “So how do I kill it?” The Queen tells him that she can’t be killed, because Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, and so she is. Bill looks at her like he might ask what the hell she’s talking about, and the Queen goes on to inform him that everything that exists imagined itself into existence. Bill tells her he isn’t ‘entirely familiar with that theory,’ and the Queen, for once emitting some semblance of intelligence, explains herself. She says, “Well, think about it. You’re a wild young girl who’s married to some jerk who treats you like property, and is also fucking some 14-year-old boy;” –Bill shifts uncomfortably, –”and then along comes this religion that convinces you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever, –whatever, –and it’s all part of ‘getting closer to God.’” Bill admits he can see the appeal, especially among humans who have a tendency towards Puritanism.

The Queen says ‘Exactly,” and continues, “So you’re fucking everybody in the dirt, why not kill something, and eat it raw? Hey, you’re super-extra-pious, there’s nothing you can’t do. And each time you do, it just brings you one step closer to the ‘divine.’” Bill looks at her and comments that thinking like that is delusional, but the Queen reminds him not to underestimate the power of blind faith; it can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics, or break them entirely. The Queen examines her nails while Bill tells her that he bit the maenad, Maryann, and her blood poisoned him. The Queen tells him of course it did; vampires can only drink human blood, and the maenad is no longer even remotely human. Bill argues that she started out that way, but the Queen tells him vampires started out human too. The Queen looks at her watch, and comments that there’s less than two hours before dawn, and asks Bill if he wants to have sex. He looks at her like she’s insane, and she tells him she was kidding, then goes on a spiel about how she hasn’t liked men in decades.

Bill tells the Queen he needs to get back to Bon Temps, but she “insists” he stay the day, and leave the next night; Bill acquiesces. At Lafayette’s Tara is working herself up over wanting to go back and get Eggs, but Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae refuse to let her leave. Tara asks why Sookie gets the option of risking her life for Bill, but she doesn’t? Lettie Mae tells her it’s better that way, and suddenly, there’s deranged laughter outside. Lafayette’s worried that Maryann is coming for Tara, and goes for his gun. Tara is still whining that she wants to get Eggs, when Lafayette returns, and says he won’t let her go back to someone who beat her, but Tara argues that it was Maryann’s influence. Lafayette doesn’t care, he tells her to sit down, aims the gun at her and tells her to shut the fuck up, then tells Sookie to give him the handcuffs in his back pocket. Sookie looks grossed out, handing purple furry handcuffs to Lafayette, who cuffs Tara to his coffee table.

Tara, still a vicious bitch, tells Lafayette he’s just jealous because she found love, and he never will, then calls him a freak. Lettie Mae tries to tell Tara that it was only for her own good, but Tara tells her “You too, you don’t want me to be happy because you never were!” Lettie Mae swears she only wants Tara to be happy, but Tara turns to Sookie and tells her that she had to settle for a dead man. Sookie looks disgusted with Tara, and asks her if that’s suppose to get Sookie on her side. More laughter from outside, and Lafayette says he’s going out on the porch to make sure “that devil woman” doesn’t try to get in, and Sookie asks if he thinks she’d try. Lafayette tells her, based on experience no doubt, that if something supernatural wants you, it doesn’t wait for you to come to it. Tara stares at Sookie hatefully, and Sookie leaves her and follows Lafayette out. Lettie Mae sits on the couch and starts bawling, while Tara looks at her and hollers “You are kidding me! This ain’t happenin to you!” Tara has a point there, her mother gets worked up real easy.

Jason, Andy and Sam are trying to clean up inside the bar a little bit, and Jason asks if Sam can really turn into any animal, any time. Jason tells Sam that’s cool, but Andy says they still have a maenad they need to deal with. Sam tells them there’s no way to deal with Maryann, and the best thing to do is leave. Jason suggests getting the law involved, but Andy pipes up and says “I am involved!” Jason asks what happened to Sheriff Dearborn, Kenya, and “that other guy, the squirrely one?” –This makes me wonder if the guy who plays Jason has ever heard a southerner say the word “squirrely” out loud. FYI buddy, we pronounce it “skwerly.” Andy tells him that the sheriff’s station was wide open, and they ain’t gonna help. Jason makes up his mind right then that they’re gonna “be the law.” Mhmmm. Jason tells them that “this is Armageddon, this is the oral history of the zombie war! We need weapons.” Sam tells Jason firmly, in small words, that guns won’t hurt Maryann, and they can’t shoot anyone else, because these people are their friends and neighbors.

Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sam, “Sometimes you need to destroy somethin to save it.” Sam stares at him, and Jason says, “That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.” Poor Jason, lord have mercy. Outside, two kids at the window run into the woods, just as Sam catches sight of them. Sam follows them out, telling them not to be afraid, and to come on out. Coby and Lisa, Arlene’s kids, come out of the woods, dirty and scared, asking if their mama is there. When Sam tells them she isn’t they’re relieved, and ask him to help them hide, and make them something to eat, since they haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Sam agrees, and starts to lead them back to the bar, when Jason and Andy come down the hill. Jason announces that they’re taking off, to go to the sheriff’s office and arm themselves. Sam warns them that it’s too dangerous, and they argue for a bit, but Jason insists. Sam tells Jason he’s a damn fool, twice even, and Jason runs into a tree and smacks his head before angrily calling out at Sam, “You’re welcome for me saving your life!” Sam ignores him, as he takes the kids inside to eat. Jason gets in the truck, and says “Can you believe that? What an asshole,” Andy, who’s joined him, says “Welcome to my world, Jason.”

While Jason and Andy head off to get killed, Lafayette stands on his porch, gun at the ready, while Sookie sits. She asks if he at least wants to sit down, but he refuses. Sookie’s phone buzzes; she got a five hour old text message from Bill, and declares that she’s getting a new cell phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette, incredulous, asks if she’s working for Eric; Sookie brushes him off with an ‘mhm’, and tells him Bill won’t be back until tomorrow. Lafayette remarks that they better not count on Bill to rescue them. Inside, Tara is working on her mother, trying to convince to let her out of the handcuffs, and it’s working, –Tara promises to forgive Lettie Mae for everything if she turns her loose. Tara’s mother goes on her knees to prey, and outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head. Sookie tells him it was like there were no limits, that anything could and would happen, that you could feel your insides expanding, and an emptying out of everything at the center of your being, and you don’t want it to stop, ever. Lafayette says “Damn that sounds nice.”

At Merlotte’s, Sam gives the kids sandwiches and chips, promising there’s more if they want it. Lisa asks Sam what’s wrong with their mama, and Sam admits that he doesn’t know, but he thinks she’s sick. Coby asks if she’s blind, and Sam says maybe sometimes. The kids worry that she’s going to die, but Sam reassures them that Arlene won’t die. Sam asks if Arlene has ‘been sick’ in front of them a lot. They tell him that she doesn’t seem sick, she seems crazy, that she’s always kissing Terry, and doing other gross stuff when her eyes get weird. They start pestering Sam, who gets steadily more clueless, about getting their mama a doctor, or something to make her like she used to be, or a vampire, and they agree that a vampire would know what to do, then they ask where Vampire Bill is, but Sam, overwhelmed, admits he doesn’t know where Bill is. They ask if he knows any other vampires, and Sam gets that “well, damn…” look on his face. On Lafayette’s porch, Sookie asks how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever.

Sookie asks Lafayette how that happened, and Lafayette tells him Eric made him drink his blood. Sookie tells him that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood as well, but then asks if Lafayette has had any “dreams.” Lafayette looks at her funny, and asks how she’d know that. Sookie asks what kind of dreams, and Lafayette tells her about freaky but fantastic sex dreams, which is weird because Lafayette hates Eric. Lettie Mae comes running out of the house, sobbing, which interrupts them. Lettie Mae tells them that one of them needs to go sit with Tara while she keeps guard, because Tara can’t hurt them as much as she hurts her. Sookie denies it, but Lafayette asks if Lettie Mae will  shoot herself. She tells him to respect her, since she’s the one who taught him how to shoot a gun. After some deliberation, and finding out that Lettie Mae used to shoot at cats that shit in her yard, Lafayette hands Lettie Mae the gun. Wrong thing to do. She turns the gun on him and hollers to Tara that she’s got the gun.

Lettie Mae tells Lafayette to go unlock Tara’s handcuffs, but he refuses. She fires the gun into the porch roof, and Lafayette collapses in a panic attack. Sookie hisses at Lettie Mae that Lafayette was recently shot. Lettie Mae ignores her, and tells her to go unlock Tara’s cuffs, but Sookie argues and tells her that she’s already seen what Maryann is like. Lettie Mae tells her that she has a chance to win her baby back, and she’s obviously taking it. Sookie gets the keys from the paralyzed Lafayette, and goes inside, giving Lettie Mae a venomous look as she goes into the house to unlock Tara. Outside, Lafayette is having a spaz attack, imagining Eric’s head on Lettie Mae’s body, saying all kinds of nasty things to him, and getting closer, threatening to shoot him, and kill him, and so on. Poor Lafayette. But seeing Eric in a dress is definitely worth the price of admission; or in this case, the ridiculous price of premium channels on cable or satellite. Sookie and Tara coming out, while Lafayette is huddled behind a lawn chair, hiding his eyes. Sookie asks what the hell Lettie Mae did to him, and she says nothing, but Sookie goes to Lafayette to comfort him.

Lettie Mae tells Tara to go, and never forget that she did this for her. Tara runs down the stairs, but turns and asks Sookie for her keys. Sookie gives them to her, and tells her she’s being a fucking idiot. Agreed all around, good god. Why in the hell is Tara so god damn important anyway? She’s barely in the books, and yet, she takes up at least 1/3 of the show with her dramatic bullshit, and all she does is bitch, and whine, and bitch and whine, and cuss people out, and bitch and whine! Can we please have less of Tara’s annoying ass in the 3rd season?! Please! Tara takes off in Sookie’s car, while Jason and Andy head to the sheriff’s office. Jason and Andy discuss whether Sam, as a dog, screwing another dog, is bestiality, or just nature, when they pull up at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Office and see a woman in her underwear running around with toilet paper in her hand. Jason tells Andy they gotta fix things, and there’s no way he’s gonna let weird shit like this take over his town. Jason gets out of the truck, and Andy follows him. Inside, some dingy bitch is telling someone on the phone, “You dialed 911 and got me, oh honey, you are fucked.” Yeah, no doubt.

Rosie hangs up to go rub up against ‘Detective Bellefleur,’ then sees Jason and practically tackles him, asking if he’d like to get fucked every which way but north… Andy tells him to come on, but Jason explains that he can keep her from telling anyone else that they’re here. Andy sees the sense in that, and takes off to get “the heat” while Rosie promises to turn Jason inside out, while climbing all over him and grunting. Inside the weapons room, Andy unlocks a gun locker, and loads up on shotgun shells, but suddenly, a gun fires off behind him. Bud Dearborn is standing there with no pants, gun in hand, asking Andy to dance with him. Bud drags Andy over and starts line dancing with him, and Andy manages to get the gun away from him. Before Sheriff Dearborn can kick up much of a fuss about losing his gun, he declares he has to take a dump, and runs off laughing, with one hand over his ass. Andy looks as disgusted as the rest of us are. Outside, on Lafayette’s porch, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is shaking, and Sookie hollers that he’s traumatized. Lettie Mae says, and truthfully, that she is too.

Sookie leans down and whispers to Lafayette, that she’s fixing to do something, and needs him to move fast; she asks him if he can grab the gun as soon as Lettie Mae drops it, and Lafayette says he can. Sookie asks Lettie Mae if she can lower the gun, because Lafayette is freaking out. As soon as Lettie Mae lowers the rifle, Sookie fast as all hell, snatches a heavy ash tray, and with dead aim, throws it right at Lettie Mae’s head. Smash, dead on, cold cocked the bitch! Daaaay-um! Lettie Mae drops the gun, Lafayette grabs it, and he and Sookie take off to go get Tara, while Lettie Mae hollers that it isn’t her fault. At Fangtasia, Sam waits in his Jeep with Lisa and Coby; Lisa asks Sam if he knew her daddy, and Sam, if possible, is even more uncomfortable. He tells Lisa that her daddy and Arlene split up before he came to town, but that he had heard about him. Lisa asks what Sam heard, and Sam tells her he’d heard he was a wild card, with a big personality.

Lisa says that she doesn’t even know what her daddy looks like, because Arlene cut him out of all their pictures. All she knows is that “his name is Dwayne, and he tattooed mama’s name on his stomach.” Sam leans back and tells her, “Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.” That made me giggle; you’re damn right it hurt. Sam looks back at the entrance, and spies none other than Ginger walking in. He gets out of the Jeep and tries to catch her at the door, hollering excuse me, –Ginger starts screaming, as Ginger is often known to do. Poor thing. Sam tells her she doesn’t have to be scared of him, that he’s just there to see Eric. Ginger tells him that Eric won’t be there till after dark, and Sam stares at her for a moment before saying, “Well, obviously,” then tells her he has two kids in the car, and asks if he can wait inside with them. Ginger tells him no, that she can’t let anyone in without Eric’s permission. Sam offers her $100, and Ginger most likely accepts, because, God bless her, she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box.

On the road to Sookie’s house, Lafayette drives with the rifle in hand, and Sookie offers to hold it, but Lafayette is still a bit tweaked out, and tells her no. Sookie asks if he’s okay, and he tells her no. Sookie tells him flat out that she needs him to get his shit together, because she can’t do this alone. Lafayette tells her he knows, and Sookie tells him they need to get in, get Tara, and get the hell out, and Lafayette shakily agrees. Sookie tells him that if Maryann gives them any trouble, he has to shoot her; again, shaky agreement from the traumatized Lafayette. Sookie tells him firmly that she means it, to shoot Maryann in the head. Bet that’d do a lot of good, since Maryann is frigging bulletproof, and vampire proof, and apparently, food-poisoning proof, what with all the nasty shit she’s been doing with dead thing, and stuff. At Sookie’s house, Tara approaches Eggs, and tries to get the loopy, black-eyed zombie to go out with her, but Maryann approaches, and tells Tara that everything she wants is right there, then tries to welcome her back, but Tara isn’t having it.

Tara tells Maryann that she doesn’t know what she is, but she wants out. Maryann tells her it’s too late for that, and Tara hollers that she made her eat someone’s heart. But Maryann says she loved it, to admit it. Tara tells her that her and Eggs have nothing to do with what’s going on, if it’s Sam she wants. Maryann then reveals that it was Tara who summoned her; in the woods, at Tara’s fake exorcism, Maryann says Tara was seeing her, or herself, through Maryann. Maryann tells her that even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, she still called up the energy to summon Maryann with her ritual. Maryann does the vibrator impression, but Tara hollers that it won’t work on her anymore. Maryann walks up to Tara, smiles, and punches her in the face. When Tara lifts her head, her eyes have gone black again. Well, what a fucking waste of time it was, getting her back to normal. Tara grins, and Maryann giggles, saying “That’s more like it,” –Eggs and Tara go upstairs to screw, when suddenly, the mob that witness the “smiting” of Sam Merlotte comes pouring in, to report for “debriefing.”

Terry, Arlene, and Mike Spencer tell Maryann what happened, and she calls them all fucking morons, then somehow makes a really nasty noise like nails on a chalkboard. They all scream and howl, and Maryann screams at them to get out, then decides to just get Sam herself. At the sheriff’s office, Jason has Rosie tied to a chair with phone cord. She offers to blow him, while he tries to get information about ammo and weapons out of her, but all she wants to do is get dirty. Jason tells her he wouldn’t feel right about it; damn right, she’d probably bite your dick off. Kevin sneaks up behind Jason and puts a gun to his head, asking what the game is with one bullet in the gun, and you don’t know if it’ll go off or not, “Chinese Firedrill?” Jason tells him it’s Russian Roulette, while Rosie cheers for Kevin, “the squirrely deputy”, to shoot Jason, so she can see what happens to his head. Kevin pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. Andy comes out of nowhere, and tells Kevin to drop the gun, but Kevin aims at Andy and fires, –the gun goes off this time. Andy goes down, and Jason tackles Kevin, calling him a stupid fucker, and wrestles the gun away from Kevin, ready to shoot.

Andy tells Jason it’s okay; he’s wearing Kevlar. Jason asks Andy if he has one for him, but Andy only has the one. Jason is put out, and looks over at Rosie, who appears to be screwing her chair. At the Fortenberry house, Hoyt watches his mama as she makes a big mess of casserole with all kinds of nasty shit in it. Hoyt goes to see what she’s doing, as she adds hot sauce to a bunch of candy bars, chips, shredded cheese, and other gross shit. Hoyt tells her nobody’s gonna eat it, but she assures him that “He will,” and they have to hurry. Hoyt tells her they ain’t going anywhere, and she starts babbling about what’s going to happen to Maryann when”He” shows up. Hoyt tells her again they’re not going, and that when his daddy died, he promised her he’d take care of her, but Maxine blows him off. Hoyt tells Maxine that he’s already let too much bad happen to her, and she says he hasn’t let enough bad happen to her, that she’s always wanted to go to Merlotte’s, get drunk and get a man, but no, –she snarls, that she had to take of Hoyt, and shoves him.

Hoyt tells her that she isn’t herself right now, –instead of telling her there isn’t a state of inebriation that exists that would induce someone to sleep with her. She tells him that he’s as much of a pansy as his daddy, and Hoyt argues that his daddy was a hero. Uh oh, things get nasty real soon. Maxine tells Hoyt bitterly that she thinks his daddy was a homosexual, because he liked to dance so much, and that he killed himself, was a secret drinker, and that she lied about him being shot by a burglar for the insurance money, –then calls him a dumbass. Good god, what a bitch. Outside of Sookie’s house, we’re treated to a full frontal view of a naked old fat guy, dancing around the big smelly statue of rotting gross shit. Sookie tells Lafayette that Gran lived and died in that house, and now it’s like people who are the exact opposite of everything Gran was, are defiling her. Sookie goes on, that even though she was almost raped in Dallas, this was worse. Lafayette tells her they can’t help it, they’re not doing it on purpose, –they’re not themselves.

Sookie tells Lafayette that the first time she met Maryann she knew there was something seriously wrong about her, that Maryann was thinking creepy foreign stuff, and she could tell it wasn’t good. Lafayette tells Sookie she couldn’t have stopped her, but Sookie asks why there’s so much wrong in the world, why so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people. He tells her it’s because they’re weak. Sookie tells him she isn’t, or afraid, and she’s going to kick that bitch’s evil ass out of her Gran’s house, and that he is going to shoot her. Lafayette agrees, “in the fuckin’ head.” Arlene hollers that they’re trespassing, and have to pay a fine, –from above them where her and Terry are sitting on a tree branch. Hm, pretty weird. They jump down, and Arlene tells them that the fine is $100 million, and Lafayette’s pants. Terry tries to take Lafayette’s gun, but he offers them drugs instead. Arlene tells him she does not take drugs, thank you, but Terry asks what he has.

Lafayette whips out his little bag of pills, but Arlene stops Terry and tells him drugs are for losers. Terry assures her it’ll make sex “real nice,” so Arlene agrees, thrusts out her hand, and says gimme at Lafayette. He starts tossing pills at them, and Sookie tells them she’s going in through the back porch. Lafayette promises to come in behind her, when he’s done with Terry and Arlene. At Fangtasia, Eric asks why he should help Sam, a “shifter”, –ooh, guess vampires don’t like them. Sam tells him because they need his help, and one day, he’ll pay him back. Eric asks if Sam can get him Sookie Stackhouse, –Pam rolls her eyes, –but Sam says no. Eric brings up the fact that Sam isn’t friendly towards vampires, and asks why he should trust Sam. Sam says because until someone starts trusting someone else, then everybody is a target, ripe for the picking. Eric admits he has no knowledge of the maenad, but he suspects it was the bull-headed creature that passed through recently, and Pam says “that thing owes me a new pair of shoes.” Well, Maryann doesn’t really wear shoes, but maybe she has a Sears card Pam can borrow.

Sam asks if Eric will help them or not, and Eric says he does know someone who might have some information, –but only might. Hmmm, Bill said the same thing about the Queen. Gosh, apparently, everybody thinks the Queen is a useless pain in the ass.  Coby asks Eric if they can see his fangs, and Eric shows them. Lisa leans back, and Eric asks her if she likes vampires. Sam hollers at Eric, but he ignores him. Lisa tells Eric that their almost-step-daddy hated vampires, but they don’t. Coby nods, and says “He went on vacation with Jesus.” Pam states “You make me so happy I never had any of you.” Eric tells her come on, they’re funny, they’re like humans but miniature. “Teacup humans.” That’s hilarious, I giggled. Pam says in Eric’s language, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” Eric answers her, “But delicious.” Aww, jeez, poor kids. Sam interrupts them and asks if he can call the person who might have information, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has to leave right away. Eric offers to walk them out, while Pam calls behind them, again in Eric’s language, ” Please get those horrible things out of here. I’ll be smelling them for a week.” Eric chuckles as he walks out.

Sam confirms that Eric has his cell phone number, and Eric tells him he’ll let him know if he finds anything out. He leans over and tells the kids, “Good night tiny humans,” then winks, and flies straight up in the air. The kids are amazed, but Sam is done with all that shit. He packs the kids into the car, looking around, all paranoid. On the back porch, at Sookie’s house, Jane Bodehouse is singing the weird chant to the tune of ‘Row Your Boat’, while sawing off one of her fingers. As Sookie enters, she holds it up for her to see, and declares that it’s a present. Sookie swallows, tries to smile some, and walks quickly away, into the filthy kitchen. A man is sitting in the kitchen sink, naked, messing around with what looks like, something’s intestines. Suddenly, Mike Spencer grabs Sookie’s ankle, and asks her if she remembers when her Gran was laying there, all bloody and dead. Sookie stares at him and says, “Of course I do.” He tells her to come down there with him, but Sookie tells him no, and tries to pull away.

Mike Spencer starts screaming, is joined by the nut in the sink, then Jane Bodehouse too; Sookie joins Mike on the floor so he’ll shut up. Mike tells her she smells good, and Sookie replies “You don’t, not at all.” Mike declares that it makes you feel alive, being in the presence of death, and then starts asking nasty questions about her and Bill. He tells her it ain’t natural and it ain’t right, –Sookie says he’s in no position to say what’s natural or right. While Sookie cuddles with the fat, smelly Mike Spencer on the floor, Bill is sitting with the Queen, in sunglasses, and swim trunks by the pool. How utterly bizarre. She asks him what he’d like to eat, before they play Yahtzee, and gestures to the line of pretty people across the pool from them. Bill tells her he only feeds from Sookie, –the blonde by the pool turns when she hears Sookie’s name, and the Queen takes her sunglasses off, and snaps, “Why on earth would you do that?”  Bill asks, before the Queen can go off on one of her rambling monologues, if she’s told him everything, then can he leave.

Instead of answering, the Queen calls for some absolutely brainless looking guy in the line. And of course, the Queen insists that he try him. The little nerdy guys tells Bill, with an accent, “I vill have-a sex with you.” Bill tells him that won’t be necessary, and goes ahead and bites him. The Queen grins, saying with fangs out, that she loves to watch two men together. Lafayette stealthily creeps through the woods around Sookie’s house, but Maryann and Carl catch him; she calls, “Can I help you?” then goes into all the different names and qualities of ‘Horse Nettle’. She walks closer to Lafayette, and he warns her, but she keeps coming, and Lafayette shoots. Maryann holds her hand out it front of her, –the bullet glances off and hits Carl right in the head, and he drops dead where he was standing. Maryann looks over, and says poor Carl; “he didn’t advance much in this lifetime.” She continues to approach Lafayette, saying, “You cook, don’t you?” Lafayette stares at her, –and meanwhile, the Queen, Bill, her boytoy, and a girl in pigtails play Yahtzee.

Bill, looking miserable, tells the Queen he needs to leave; when the Queen ignores him he gets up to go. She says, finally, that “maenads are sad, silly things. The world changed centuries ago, and they’re still waiting for ‘the god who comes.’” Bill asks if ‘he’ ever comes, and the Queen says, “Of course not, gods never actually show up. They only exist in humans’ minds; like money, and morality.” Bill asks, if he can’t kill Maryann, how will he get her to leave the town, and the Queen answers, “She has to believe that she’s successfully summoned forth Dionysus, in hopes that he will ravish her and quite literally devour her until she’s lost into oblivion.” Bill, getting it, says, “So she seeks… death. The true death. The one thing she’s evolved beyond.” The Queen answers, “I know, ironic isn’t it? They’re really not that smart, these maenads.” Bill asks how she summons this nonexistent god, but the Queen tells him, “I never said he was nonexistent, I just said he never comes. She believes, if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him, or her, while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear. At that point when she willingly surrenders herself to him, –” Bill cuts her off, and says that’s when she can be killed.

The Queen sassily asks who the smartest boy in class is, and I swear, the dingy foreign guy almost raises his hand. Bill asks if the perfect vessel is a human, and the Queen tells him they prefer supernatural beings, –though they don’t like vampires, because their hearts aren’t beating. She rambles on, calling maenads idiots, until a security guard approaches; she excuses herself, and tells Hadley to entertain Bill. Hadley is Sookie’s cousin! She asks Bill how her cousin Sookie is, and Bill, surprised, tells her Sookie is good. Hadley tells Bill to be sure to tell her Hadley said hey, then asks how Gran is, –Bill doesn’t know what to say, but Hadley goes on to say that she’d love to talk to her sometimes, but she owes her so much money. Bill tells Hadley that he thinks it’s best if they’re not in touch, and Hadley tells him she knows, that there’s no place for her in that world anymore. Aww, poor Hadley, she seems like such a sweetypie. She tells Bill she still thinks about them though, and smiles.

The Queen turns back to the small group, and announces that Bill’s “friend”, Mr. Northman, is there. Bill says that it’s definitely time for him to go, while the mouthy blond idiot Queen, who probably screwed her way to the top anyway, blahs on about alpha male posturing, and suggests they fuck each other. Bill thanks her for seeing him, and she tells him to enjoy his restricted diet. Before Bill leaves, the Queen tells him that she looks forward to meeting “her”, –as in, Sookie. Bill smiles, nods, and leaves. The Queen resumes playing, and yay, she gets Yahtzee on her first roll. Hurray for boring dice games that go on forever! Bill and Eric meet outside, and Bill asks Eric why he’s there. Eric tells him he was hoping the Queen could tell him how to kick a maenads’ ass, and Bill asks him if he wants to do it so he can look like a hero to Sookie. Eric tells him that his paranoia is unbecoming, and asks if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill tells him no, and remarks that it was desperate and pitiful for him to trick Sookie into drinking his blood, so that she would be attracted to him. Eric reminds him, saucily, the Bill did the exact same thing the first night he met, but Bill first asks how Eric knows that, –and argues that Sookie would have died if he hadn’t.

Bill tells Eric to stay away from Sookie, or he’ll tell the Queen that Eric is making humans sell vampire blood. Eric tells Bill he wouldn’t, sober now, and Bill says he won’t, as long as Eric stays away from Sookie. Eric tells Bill that he doesn’t like threats; Bill reiterates the sentiment. Jason and Andy park in the woods, aways from Sookie’s house. Andy asks why they’re parking so far away, and Jason explains that it’s so they can sneak up on them. He hands Andy an energy bar and tells him to load up on carbs. Jason looks like he’s thinking, and god, then he starts saying his thoughts out loud; he asks Andy if Sam could turn into a chicken, and then lay his own eggs, asking how weird it would be to eat somethin’ that just came out of him. Andy looks at him, disgusted, and asks what kind of perverted brain would even think of something like that. Jason tosses his energy bar away, and asks Andy why he never liked him, if it’s because of how much pussy he gets, because, “I ain’t takin any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.”

Andy tells Jason that it isn’t about pussy, he just thinks Jason has had it too easy; like being all-state quarterback. Jason counters that it wasn’t easy, and he’s starting to have knee issues, before he’s 30. He asks Andy what else, and Andy admits that women do just throw themselves at him. Jason tells him that isn’t easy either, he watches a ton of porno to learn things, and he works out a lot. Jason asks again, what else, but Andy has nothing to say. Jason says, “Look, my best friend killed my grandma, and my girlfriend. I come from no money! My mama and my daddy died when I was 11!” –Andy interrupts, “so did mine!” Jason cuts him off and says, “Your daddy died in Vietnam, and your mama ran off with some Yankee race car driver! Now you may hate me Andy Bellefleur, you may think you’re better than me, and maybe you are, but you and me are the ones who have received the calling to save this town! So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.” They agree that it’s all up to them, –and God save us if it is, they sure do sound determined. The blind leading the blind.

They get out of the truck after some testosterone infused deliberation, donning shotguns and bandoliers, and head out. Sam is alone, sitting on the steps of his trailer behind the bar, when Bill zips up to him. They face each other, and say nothing for a moment. On the floor at Sookie’s house, Mike is telling her that he’s always hated blood, that he never wanted to be a coroner, or undertaker, –that he wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain. Sookie suggests that they “just do it already,” but only on the condition that she gets to be on top. Mike says that’s fine, since it’s better for his back anyway. Sookie straddles him, grabs an iron pan out of the sink, and bashes him on the head. Mike Spencer’s head drops like a rock, and he’s out like a light. Sookie runs out of the kitchen, and up the stairs, where she finds, in her room, a man modeling one of her dresses in the mirror. He asks if it’s too much and she backs out, closing the door behind her, muttering “way too much.” Good god, I’d say so, unless he’s going to be on-stage with Marilyn Manson anytime soon. Sookie heads down the wall to her grandmother’s room, where Tara and Eggs are smashing everything sight. Those fuckers.

Now, if I saw that shit, there isn’t a force on this earth that could keep me from shooting them, friends or not, aware of what they’re doing or not. It’s not murder to shoot them in the legs, it’s maiming; and I would definitely maim someone breaking my gramma’s things. Sookie wrestles with Tara over some of Gran’s knitting left in a chair, but Tara snatches it away, declaring that it’s for the nest. On the bed, in a giant nest, is a huge effing egg, –what the hell laid that? Someone reaches out and touches Tara on the shoulder; Lafayette asks where she’s been, that he was looking for her. Sookie sees that his eyes are black, and screams. And that’s where they leave us! Huge effing eggs, zombified Lafayette, Jason and Andy coming to the rescue, Bill and Sam having a quiet moment together, and Eric meeting the Queen. Ooh, whatever will the season finale hold for us? You’ll find out, be patient. ;)

Related Reading:

Maxine 2010 Engagement Calendar

Maenads, Martyrs, Matrons, Monastics: A Sourcebook on Women's Religions in the Greco-Roman World

The Essential HBO Reader (Essential Readers in Contemporary Media)

To Desire a Devil (The Legend of the Four Soldiers)

Glass Houses (Morganville Vampires, Book 1)

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 10
2. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 12
3. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6

Charming. Jason, surprised, looks around; stores have been broken into, one guy is smashing his face against a wooden beam, an old fat chick is chasing a younger guy around screaming “Lemme into them drawers!” –a frightening sight indeed. Suddenly the driver slams on the breaks, and two people crash into the windshield. The driver says they ran right in front of the car, and stops; Sookie, Jason, and the driver get out. The people they hit are bloody, and giggling, with black eyes. Jason asks what the hell is wrong with their eyes, but they laugh, and the woman tears her shirt off, hollering that they have to find Sam. They take off, leaving Sookie and Jason looking at each other, stunned. Cue the theme song! I dunno who you think you are, but before the song is through, you’ll be wiggling in your chair, and ready to watch True Blood. Outside Sookie’s house, Maryann, Carl, and Eggs are building a giant statue out of meat, produce, flowers, and wood. Maryann asks Eggs what he thinks, and he tells her she’s outdone herself. Yeah, she’s gone above and beyond usual psychotic behavior. Carl offers her a dead bird, and Maryann is overjoyed, and begins adding feathers to the big nasty rotting statue.

Maryann declares the big gross stinky thing she’s building, needs more meat. Carl suggests five more pounds of ground chuck, but Maryann tells him she wants to aim higher. They decide on vital organs, and Eggs asks if she wants them to go kill something, so it’s extra fresh. But Maryann tells him no, since they’ll be sacrificing something living later. Sam Merlotte, the living sacrifice, is at the moment, crouched in Andy Bellefleur’s hotel room under the window, when Andy arrives with a grocery bag. Sam jumps back, and looks at Andy cautiously. Andy tells he’s just hungover, and gives Sam a bag full of his clothes, and stuff. Sam thanks him for getting his stuff, and Andy goes on to tell him that the station was deserted, all the cells were wide open, remarking with sarcasm “…and they think I’m a bad cop.” He tells Sam that the town square looks like New York city or something; he tells Sam about the nut banging his head on the post, graffiti everywhere, and people pissing on the sidewalk; “The whole town is going down the crapper.”

Sam tells Andy he has no idea how they’re going to deal with a maenad, and Andy asks, “a mae- what?” Andy looks at him incredulously, and asks Andy if he remembers any of what they talked about last night, but Andy spent the night drunk and the day sleeping off his bender. Andy recalls learning that Maryann Forrester was behind all the wacky shit happening, and Sam reminds him, also the dead bodies, including the one in Andy’s car. Sam sits down and explains to Andy slowly, and firmly, that Maryann is a supernatural creature with powers and she won’t leave until she gets him. Andy asks why Maryann wants Sam, and Sam explains that she wants to cut his heart out while a bunch of naked people watch, for Dionysus, or Satan, or some god who has horns. Woo, sounds like one hell of a weekend. Will there be games and prizes? Andy grumbles that people thought he was crazy because he said he was a pig. Sam tells him that he did see a pig, but he doesn’t say she was Daphne, –almost said it though, –he just tells him that the pig was doing some of Maryann’s dirty work.

Andy tells Sam if all this is true, then they need to “kill that bitch!” but Sam reminds him, duh, that Maryann is immortal. Sam’s phone rings, and he answers, “Hey Arlene.” Arlene is crouched in the bar, with her back to the camera, begging Sam to come and save her, because there’s a mob of people who have Terry and they’re coming for her next. Sam tells her he already knows that she’s all caught up in Maryann’s weirdness, but Arlene tells him she knows, but Maryann is after them now, and she’s crazy, –like Hannibal Lecter crazy, and she’s worried about her kids. At Bill’s house, the driver is helping Bill out of his travel coffin, and Jason is leaving a message at the sheriff’s office about hitting the people they hit with the van in the town square. Sookie urges Jason to ask what the heck is going on in town, and Jason goes on to ask if someone could call back and let him know if they’ve been attacked by terrorists or what, but the answering machine beeps and he hangs up.

Jason explains to Sookie that the sherriff’s office answering machine was all that picked up, and Sookie tells Bill that there is something seriously wrong in Bon Temps. Upstairs, Maxine Fortenberry leans out of a room, looking all kinda trashy, with her hair all messed up, and her eyes black. She says, “Well, if it ain’t the vamper and his vamper lover.” Jason stares, and remarks that there’s those fuckin eyes again. Sookie’s eyes get big, while Jessica and Hoyt coming running out, trying to catch a cackling Maxine. Jessica calls down to Bill, “Thank god you’re home, she’s gone totally batshit!” Bill starts to ask her what the devil, –but Jessica cuts him off, and swears she didn’t do anything. Hoyt explains that at first, he thought it was just a bad reaction to one of her diet pills, but then he saw that the whole town has eyes like hers. Bill asks how long she’s been that way, and Jessica tells him since last night. Hoyt tries to keep his mama pinned on the stairs, while Maxine says she’ll be that way for as long as it takes for “Him” to get his offering. Jason stares and says simply, “That sounds fuckin’ fucked up.” No doubt, my articulate friend, fuckin fucked up indeed.

Hoyt tells Bill that Maxine has been going on about Sam Merlotte and how they’re gonna offer him to God, and Maxine snarls “why don’t you offer yourself up to me, Jason Stackhouse?” Jason looks about ready to hurl, and Maxine snatches him, calling him a “dirty little monkey.” Gross! Bill and Hoyt restrain her, and Bill hollers, asking if she ever calms down. Hoyt tells him that the Wii gets her to focus, but he wouldn’t call it calm. In front of the screen for the Wii, Maxine shrieks and cusses while fighting in the game. Bill stares at her as she waves the controller around, and backs away to ask Hoyt what Maxine has been talking about. Hoyt confirms that she’s been saying God is coming, so they need to catch Sam and take him to “Maryann’s.” Sookie asks where that is and Hoyt guiltily tells her it’s her house; Sookie looks full on pissed off. Maxine cackles and growls that they’re going to rip Sam open and serve him up like barbeque.

Sookie asks Hoyt if anyone has been attacked by something with claws, and he tells Sookie about the dead woman in Andy’s car, and Daphne’s scars, and her murder. Jason declares that he’s going to Merlotte’s to find out what’s going on, but Bill warns him that if it’s the same creature they’d ran into before, he doesn’t want to go anywhere near it. Jason tells Bill that he’s not going to let monsters destroy his town. Sookie tells Jason that this is one of those times where he needs to use his brain, but Jason tells her he’s been training for this kind of situation. Sookie tries to stop him again, but Bill reassures her of Jason’s ability to take care of himself. Sookie hugs him, and tells him to be careful, drive straight to Merlotte’s and stay out of the woods. Jason promises to be careful, kisses her forehead, and leaves. Sookie asks where Tara has been, and Hoyt tells her that she’s been partying hard at “Maryann’s.” Sookie sighs in exasperation and Hoyt apologizes, because it’s just sort of caught on. They take off, and leave Hoyt and Jessica with Maxine.

Hoyt asks Jessica if maybe he should go with them, but Jessica doesn’t want to be left alone with Maxine. Good god, I should think not. At Merlotte’s, Sam and Andy look around the silent bar for Arlene. Andy says it looks empty, but Sam tells him there are people there, that he can smell them. They hear something weird, and Arlene comes out of the back, thanking them for coming so fast. Sam asks if she’s okay, and Arlene starts to tweak, saying she is now, because soon, “He’ll be getting what’s His!” Arlene raises a knife, and begins chanting, while several other black-eyed psychos come out of hiding in the bar, surrounding Sam and Andy. A big redneck grabs Sam, and Andy fires his gun into the ceiling, but this only excites the chanting, crazed mob more. Terry grabs Andy’s gun, and fires it into the bar, while the deranged Arlene tells him not to shoot the expensive liquor, and aim instead for the bottom shelf.

Terry fires wildly all over the bar, and accidentally shoots some guy in the arm. They all giggle, while the woman beside him begins poking the wound as if it were a science project. Gross. While they crack up about Terry shooting a guy, Sam gets away, dragging Andy behind him. The mob chases them, and Sam dives over the kitchen order window, dragging Andy behind him; Andy is almost pulled from the window but manages to kick them away. Andy grabs a bottle of booze off the prep table, and they duck into the walk in fridge, using an ice pick jammed into the handle to lock the door from the inside. The mob chants and shouts in the kitchen, until  Terry takes charge and informs them mission accomplished. He sends the loopy Jane Bodehouse to call Maryann to come pick up Sam, but Jane ends up calling a number carved into the wall by the payphone, one with the prelude, “For a good time, call…” I’ve never called one of those, have you? I’m going to make it a point to do it at some point. I need a good time.

Inside the cooler, Andy and Sam declare, after some deliberation, that they are indeed, fucked. At Lafayette’s house, a black-eyed, vicious Tara whines to Lettie Mae to untie her. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that tying her up isn’t helping, but Lafayette enters the living room, and tells her it’s for Tara’s own good, and theirs too. Lettie Mae holds Tara head, and asks her to tells her what she needs. Tara headbutts her in the face, and cackles maniacally. Lafayette enters, carrying a baseball bat, and holds Tara’s face, telling her she’s stronger than whatever has this hold on her, to get out of there, but Tara spits in his face, and continues laughing. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that they need Miss Jeanette, but Lafayette says Tara needs some Thorazine and a padded cell. Lettie Mae sits in front of Tara and repeats Psalm 103:02-4 of David ” Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, and redeems your life from [sic] destruction (the pit…)”

Lafayette finishes the verse, and tells Lettie Mae that despite his agreement with Jesus to see other people, they still talk from time to time. Lettie Mae tells Lafayette that he’s been good to her, and tries to take the blame for her ending up this way, but Lafayette declares he shares some, for kicking Tara out on her birthday. Lettie Mae holds a rag on Tara upturned face, and Tara opens her black eyes, and tells her mother that he’s coming, he’s on his way, and he’s going to kill them all; Tara punctuates her deranged billing for the god with an evil little cackle. Sookie and Bill pull up to her house, and see the big rotting statue of disgusting mess that Maryann has built. Bill is the first to ask what it is, but Sookie wrinkles her nose, and says whatever the hell it is, it reeks. The flies buzzing around the nasty statue are a definite hint. The door to the house is wide open, and the inside is dimly lit by candles, but filth and rubble, plants and sticks and everything else is thrown all over. It looks like wood chipper blew up in there.

Inside, animals, presumably rats, squeal, and Sookie takes Bill’s hand for strength as she looks around at her Gran’s trashed home. At the foot of the stairs, Sookie sees the photo she gave Tara of her with Sookie, and Gran, as children. It’s hanging out of a broken frame. Sookie calls for Tara up the stairs, when her phone rings; Sookie answers it, and it’s Lafayette, asking when she’ll be back. Sookie tells him she’s at her house, and asks about Tara. Lafayette tells her she needs to leave the house now, but Sookie asks again about Tara, and Lafayette tells her he isn’t nearly as worried about Tara as he is Sookie, still in that house. Lafayette tells her to get out, to run, just as Bill sets eyes on the bull mask, sitting above the fireplace. Sookie takes Bill’s hand, and runs for the door, but Maryann is waiting for them, and she asks what they’re doing in her house. Sookie, fully pissed off, tells Maryann that this is not her house; Maryann says it is now, and walks toward Sookie, who backs away, beside Bill a brick wall, who “strongly suggests” Maryann leaves immediately.

Maryann declares Bill “quite the specimen,” but remarks that nothing will stop him from leaving her one day. Sookie tells Maryann that she doesn’t scare her, and Maryann snatches her up by the throat, with vampire speed, and pins her on the wall. When Maryann touches her, she sees her first encounter with Maryann; running through the woods, and being attacked by a creature with a bull’s head. Bill tears Maryann away from Sookie, and tells her to leave, then sinks his teeth into an enthusiastic Maryann, who encourages him to “ravage” her. Gross, Bill, don’t, ew. Bill starts gagging and foaming at the mouth, Sookie holds him while he barfs up Maryann’s black blood, while Maryann laughs her ass off. Maryann approaches Sookie, with her hands on the side of her face, and asks, “What are you?” but a fed up, cranky Sookie, says “None of your business!” and puts her hand on Maryann’s face, then shoves her away; electrical blue and violet light surrounds Sookie’s hand.

The light dies away, while everyone looks kind of shocked, then Sookie remembers Bill, gathers him up, and drags him back to the car, while Maryann continues laughing, now tickled pink with Sookie, still asking ‘what are you?’ as they leave. In the cooler, Sam and Andy sit looking, unfortunately, still pretty well fucked, –only now they’re colder. Andy shares his booze, and asks Sam if he’s glad Andy didn’t take his advice and stop drinking, holds up the bottle and says, this could save our lives. Sam tells Andy that if he’d have left town when he wanted to, nobody’d be in this situation. Andy tells him not to beat himself up, that he’s been real good to Bon Temps, even if he is a sometimes nudist. Sam should go ahead and let Andy know why he’s a “sometimes nudist” before things get awkward. Sam tells him people are going to start dying soon, but Andy points out that people already are dying, Nancy, aka Miss Jeanette, and Daphne, –but he can’t remember her name. Sam tells him it was Landry, if that was even her real name.

And tells Sam that he heard him and Daphne were close, that he’s sorry. Sam tells him thanks. Prepare for Andy’s drunken speech; he tells Sam that when he was a kid, he had a nanny, named Annie, –Annie the Nanny. Then goes on, and tells Sam she used to say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man was king. He says that he reckons she said that because she believed Andy was one of the blind. Andy says he thinks that Sam is the one-eyed man, and Andy admits that he envies that. Sam tells Andy honestly, that he has no idea what he’s talking about, –er, join the club. Andy says he doesn’t know what he’s talking about either. Note to Andy, do not start waxing philosophical when your blood alcohol level is five times the legal amount. Jason rolls up outside Merlotte’s in his big truck, arms himself with a nail gun and a chainsaw, and sneaks into Merlotte’s bar. Inside, no single evening of drunken fornication can prepare him for what he’s about to see.

A girl is thrusting some guy’s face into her crotch, people are climbing all over the tables, licking mustard off a girl’s legs, and doing all kinda freaky shit. In an attempt to disrupt the party, Jason cranks up his chainsaw, but the crowd only cheers him on, and continues their various weird drunken deeds. Jason chainsaws through the stereo, but still, no luck. Exasperated, he holds up his nail gun, and heads out to floor. Some fat guy grabs him, so Jason nails his shirt to the bar, then heads over to where Terry and Arlene are grinding all nasty up against each other, in some sad, disgusting mockery of what’s known as “dancing.” Jason grabs Arlene and threatens to use the nail gun on her, but Arlene only laughs, while other people in the crowd get excited; one woman tells Jason, “yeah! Nail her!” Despite Terry’s inebriation, his care for Arlene gives him a small chance to see more clearly. He calls a time out and asks Jason for his demands. Jason says they all need to leave the bar, and so Terry commands them to “retreat” but promises to unfuck the situation at a later date. They follow Terry’s orders, and leave.

Terry asks for Arlene when he gets to the door, but Jason gets him all the way outside first, then hands over Arlene, who gibbers happily to Terry while Jason locks the door. On the road, Sookie is driving to Lafayette’s, while Bill hangs his head out the car window and barfs. Sookie tells Bill she’s going to call Eric, and Bill hollers that he won’t go to Eric, even though he’s puking and drooling all over the place. He asks Sookie what happened back there, and Sookie admits she doesn’t know, but she does tell him that she knows it was Maryann who attacked her in the woods. Bill growls angrily that he’ll kill Maryann, but Sookie asks him how. Bill admits he doesn’t know, and suggests that Tara might know something, since she’s been under Maryann’s influence. He asks for Sookie’s wrist so he can heal, and she offers it warily; seems like a dangerous thing to do while driving, but all right. At Merlotte’s Jason informs Andy and Sam that they can come out, he got rid of “all them saucer eyed motherfuckers.”

Sam and Andy are crouched by the door, and not quite ready to open it for anybody, which includes Jason Stackhouse, since the last time they walked into a trap. Andy calls bullshit, but Jason says he swears on his Gran’s grave. That convinces them and they crack the door to check Jason’s eyes. Once satisfied, they leave the cooler. Jason tells them he locked all the doors, and explains he got them out by threatening to “shoot a bunch of nails into Arlene’s brain, but if we’re gonna get out of here, we’ll need an even bigger divergence.” Uh huh… As soon as Jason finishes his ridiculous sentence, a beer keg crashes through the window, and the mob comes pouring back in. With the three men surround on all sides, Terry comes out of the mob, sits his gun on the prep table, and sits down. He lights a cigarette and says, “Sam Merlotte. There’s no escaping, Sam Merlotte. The ‘God who Comes’ always gets what he comes for. And as for you, Jason Stackhouse, –not cool.”

Jason tells them ain’t no normal god ever gonna come near them, and Mike Spencer says that god won’t be happy with him, “I bet he’ll eat ya.” Jason mocks their retarded laughing, but they only hoot louder. Sam tells Jason and Andy to save themselves, but Andy promises they’ll get him out of there. Sam, his mind made up, asks Andy, ‘then what?’, and tells him Maryann won’t ever let up, and he has to end this. Andy tells him no, but Sam backs up to the mob, and they grab him; think of forced crowd surfing. They cheer, and carry him off. At Lafayette’s, Tara is slightly rocking back and forth, and chanting in a monotone voice. Lafayette slaps her and tells her to snap out of it, but she just keeps chanting and rocking. Lafayette comments that this has got to be the “worst motherfuckin intervention in history.” Someone knocks, and Lafayette answers, thinking it’s Sookie, but it’s one of his customers, wanting V. Lafayette tells her she needs to leave, but she argues, –however, Bill and Sookie just pulled up. Bill rushes to the door, and with his fangs out, tells her she needs to leave now. The girl takes off, and Bill gives Lafayette a nasty look, until Lafayette explains that Eric is the one making him push V.

Sookie runs up, and asks where Tara is, while Bill continues staring down Lafayette; they eventually go inside, when Lafayette remembers that he has to invite Bill in, and they find Tara looking all evil, quiet now. Sookie comes closer, and almost touches Tara’s face, asking what happened to her. Tara snaps at her fingers, and tells her, “Get me the fuck out of her you stupid cunt, or I will kill you.” Ooh, damn. Sookie backs up, and Lafayette tells her that they’re losing her. Sookie leans in again and looks into Tara’s mind, but sees only black nothing, –well, black nothing with shimmery stuff around the edges. She tells them it’s all dark in there, and Lettie Mae freaks out a little, asking if Sookie can see in her head. Tara hollers “stop trying to rape my brain!” and Sookie explains that she can’t see anything, that Tara’s gone. Lafayette tells her not to say that, getting more upset, and Bill tells her that she’ll have to go further into Tara’s mind than ever before. Tara sees Sookie’s wrist, and asks casually if she tried to kill herself, then says she doesn’t blame her, with Sookie’s fucked up life.

Ooh, Tara is a vicious bitch; I mean, she was a vicious bitch before, but now she’s really building up steam. Sookie leans closer, and looks into Tara’s mind, further, and sees snapshot images of the night they first tried to kill Sam, and Maryann dancing by the fire. She pulls back, and tells them there’s something she can’t cross; an abyss. Bill suggests he glamour her, and Lettie Mae starts to object, but Bill tells her it might help. Sookie says she doesn’t want to hurt Tara, and Bill reminds her that leaving Tara like that would be worse, for them, and Tara. While Bill starts in with his soft hypnotism routine, the mob is dancing around a car, while holding Sam in place on top of it. Suddenly, a road flare flies through the air, then another, catching the attention of the mob. Suddenly, Jason stands up, shirtless, wearing welding gloves, and a gas mask, waving road flares, laughing manically. He says, “It is me, the god who comes, and now I am here!” Uh huh.. Mike Spencer asks if he’s really the god who comes, and Sam signals Andy that they need horns, –Jason tells Andy to go get them, then bellows that Sam Merlotte is his offering.

Jason hollers that they can all go home. Jane Bodehouse looks put out, slumps and says “Really?” Jason confirms, and says that Sam Merlotte is the best offering ever, then gifts them with, “ummm… great weather… and… good crops! Now leave!” Terry Bellefleur calls bullshit, and says the god has horns. Just in time, Andy holds up a branch behind Jason’s head, and Jason bellows again. Sam slides off the car, bows sort of, and says, “Oh lord, smite me,” but Jason can’t hear him. Sam says louder, and slower, for Jason to “smite” him, then turns around. Jason, or the god who comes, says quietly, “I don’t even know what you’re saying man.” Sam, frustrated, hollers over his shoulder at Jason to, “smite me, motherfucker!” Jason gets it, and hollers “I smite thee, Sam Merlotte! Diiiiiiiiiiiie!” Sam convulses then disappears into thin air, his clothes landing in a heap. Jason and Andy freak out, along with everyone else there. Jason, the god in welding gloves and a gasp mask, says “There! Happy?” Terry answers, well, yeah. Jason tells them to tell their leader he is pleased, then orders them to leave.

A fly buzzes around Terry’s face then flies off. The crowd cheers, and disperses, carrying off Sam’s clothes to Maryann. Won’t she be surprised? Jason and Andy look around for Sam, wondering what the hell happened, and suddenly, he appears butt-naked except for a cooking apron, using fire extinguishers on the road flares. He tells them he’ll explain later, and to help him put the flares ut before they start a fire. Jason and Andy look properly miffed, and Andy kicks back a swig of booze, then claims that’s the last drink he’ll ever take, then hands Jason the bottle. At Lafayette’s, Bill is still trying to glamour Tara and he commands her to let Sookie in, who holds Sookie from behind. Bill tells Tara to do as he says, but Tara coldly replies that she isn’t his fucking slave girl. Lafayette tells Tara to listen to Bill, and Lettie Mae prays while they try again. Bill somewhat successfully manages to glamour Tara for a moment, and tells Sookie to go into her mind now. Images and lost memories flood through Tara’s mind, while the black in her eyes shrinks.

The black in Tara’s eyes melts away and then they are normal. She blinks, looks around, and says, “Oh my god, I’m crazy,” then begins to cry. Sookie comforts her, and tells her that it wasn’t Tara doing those things. Tara sees her mother, and begins to sob, and tell her she’s sorry. Lettie Mae tells her too, that she knew it wasn’t Tara. Lettie Mae thanks Sookie and Bill. Sookie gets up, and tells them she needs air, before she goes outside, and Bill follows her. Lafayette joins Lettie Mae and Tara, and hugs them tight, but suddenly, Tara remembers Eggs, and jumps up to run and go get him. Lettie Mae locks the door, and Lafayette holds onto Tara, telling her no. Outside on the porch, Sookie tells Bill about the ordeal from her perspective; every part of Tara was gone, totally replaced, and that she thought only vampires could hypnotize people. Bill tells her honestly that human minds are very easily manipulated. Sookie tells him it’s all coming from Maryann, that even though she eats human hearts, she wants more, their souls. She tells Bill about the chant.

Sookie repeats some of the chant to Bill, and he suddenly remembers it from a book he read a long time ago, about a creature he thought was only a myth, but now believes Maryann might be one. Sookie asks what Maryann is, and more importantly, how to kill her. Bill admits he doesn’t know, but does know one vampire who might, and if he is going to make it to where she is by daylight, he’ll have to leave right then. Sookie wants to go with him, but Bill tells her he has to go alone, but he’ll be back by morning, –whatever the hell that means. How exactly does he plan to be there by dawn, yet make it back to Sookie by morning? I’m a bit confused. He tells Sookie he can do more good for the normal people left in town, if she stays there. Sookie admits that he’s right, and points out that look at what happened the last time she left. Bill asks if she can do, whatever it was she did to Maryann, again. Sookie says she doesn’t know, that she doesn’t know what she even did.

Bill says all right, and tells Sookie to keep her friends safe, and makes her promise to stay away from her home. Sookie promises, and they kiss, before Bill turns and leave so fast, it makes a breeze that blows Sookie’s hair back. Woo, ain’t he fast?! At Bill’s house, Hoyt’s having a hell of a time keeping his mama locked up; Maxine is tugging at his pants while she hollers to be let loose, and he tries to lock all the doors. Jessica sits on the stairs looking tired, and about to lose her cool. Maxine calls Jessica a “devil slut” and Jessica growls that she’s getting real tired of this shit, and Hoyt hollers at his mama to treat Jessica with respect or he’ll lock her up in the cubby hole until Vampire Bill gets home. Maxine mocks him, saying that now he thinks he’s Dirty Harry, “since you’ve been dipping your penguin dick in that vamper tramp!” Hoyt looks humiliated, and Jessica snaps forward, gripping the bars on the stair rail. Maxine tells Hoyt that him and his daddy were both “half-men”, and Jessica stands up, coming down the stairs a bit more. Hoyt tells her to calm down, while Maxine continues to instigate the situation.

Jessica’s fangs come out, and she warns Maxine that she doesn’t have much control over her actions, and that she hasn’t eaten in days. Hoyt is suddenly very worried, and asks “Seriously?” Jessica lunges for Maxine, and Hoyt tries to pull her off his mama, but Jessica flings him away, and asks Maxine for one good reason not to drain her dry. Maxine tells her she doesn’t have to give her nothing, and Jessica snaps and bites her. Hoyt panics, and hollers “Fuck! No!” Elsewhere, Bill is walking into a modern castle, very pretty, and the security guard at the gate tells him the queen is expecting him. Bill heads down the narrow walkway, with water on both sides, and enters a foyer where the entrance is decorated with white coral and shells. He greets the queen, and says, “Your Majesty,” and whatever he is looking at, must be interesting, because all we can see is a very pretty foot with blood dripping down it.

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Inside the blown up nest, Isabelle is among those to immediately begin helping the wounded, while Sookie lays stuck under Eric. She rolls Eric off her, declaring he weighs a ton and she couldn’t breathe; once he’s off her, she hollers for Jason. Jason stumbles out of the hallway, shaking bits of vampire or person off his hands, and gives her a thumbs up. Eric groans, and Sookie turns back to him, he tells her pitifully that he had to shield her, and Sookie tells him to hurry up and heal, but he says he can’t, because it’s silver. She offers to get Godric, but he grabs her, and says “no time.” He tells her to suck it out, but Sookie tells him she can’t, “…it’s too gross, and it’s… you.” Eric groans that he’s dying, he flops back, and wheezes, so Sookie straddles him, cursing, and begins sucking a piece of silver shrapnel out of him. She spits it out, and he points again “other one…” Sookie groans, and says, “You’re kidding me!” but bends over, and begins sucking another piece out. Eric turns his head to the camera, and grins. Oh, you bad boy.

Outside, Bill tells the boy he bit to tell the cowards who sent them that a vampire showed mercy when they had none, and releases the kid. Inside, Jason stamps out a bit of flame on the floor, and looks at half of Luke’s hand, on the floor, softly saying, “Luke.” Aww. Isabelle approaches Godric, and he asks, “Who’s dead?” Isabelle tells him Stan (aww, bummer, I liked Stan; he was cute), Paolo, Catherine, and two human companions. Bill approaches Sookie and Eric on the floor, looking disgusted, and asks, “What’re you doing?” Sookie tells him, and Eric comments, “she was superb.” Bill explains that Eric was in no danger, and already healing; Eric smiling, says, “A tiny falsehood.” Sookie looks back and forth between them, and Bill continues, saying that the bullets would have forced their way out by themselves, and now Eric has forced her to drink his blood. Sookie starts hollering “No!” –a few times, pretty irate, and Bill continues that now, they’re connected, and Eric will be able to sense her emotions. Sookie hollers “You big lying a-hole!” at Eric, who says, “Bill, you’re right, I believe I can sense her emotions.” This made me crack up. That, and that the whole time they’re having this discussion, chunks of someone is falling off the wall behind Bill.

Sookie hits Eric in the stomach, and goes over to Bill, and swears she’ll never do anything for Eric again, then calls him a monster. Bill tells Sookie that it’s not her fault, while Eric gets up, and says “I think I’m gonna cry,” with no small amount of sarcasm. Isabelle calls for everyone’s attention, and Jason more firmly calls for everyone to listen up, while Godric tells them all to go to the Hotel Carmilla, where security has been alerted. People limp off, Sookie tries to clean Eric’s blood off her, and Bill gives Eric a dirty look, and Eric looks quite pleased with himself despite the circumstances. Godric looks around at the mess for a moment, before leaving as well. At the hotel, Bill sits looking moody, when Sookie comes out of the shower, declaring she should kick herself for being so stupid. Bill admits that Eric did take bullets for her, and that at least they came out of it alive. Sookie says she knows better than to believe anything Eric says, and grossed out, says, “I sucked his chest, what is wrong with me?!” while Bill looks like he’s about to puke. He tells Sookie Eric has had a thousand years to practice deceit, that he lied to prove his power to Bill, and that Eric only counted on her goodness, so there is no shame in that.

Sookie tells Bill again, that she tried to spit most of his blood out, but some of it must have gone down, and the worst of things was that he’d always know how she felt and where she was. Bill looks grim, and says no, that’s not the worst. He explains, with much difficulty, that she shouldn’t be surprised if she starts feeling attracted to Eric. Sookie looks disgusted and makes a face, when she says ‘to Eric?’, and states that it’s impossible because she can’t stand him. Bill tells her it is possible, it’s a consequence of the blood, and would have happened sooner or later, that Eric was determined to form the bond with her. Sookie angrily states that she could kill him; not just as an angry comment, but as a suggested solution; Bill states, “I concur.” At Bill’s house, Jessica nd Hoyt are discussing her problem; Jessica states that she might get used to it, that there might be an operation, and Hoyt reminds her that intercourse isn’t the only way to have sex, but Jessica says she wants to have intercourse. Jessica tells Hoyt he should break up with her, but Hoyt says “Hell no, that thing that grows back is just a thing,” and he tells her he isn’t perfect either, that people, even his friends, laugh at him, but she never has. He goes on, and tells her he never wants to hear her talk about breaking up, and Jessica promises she won’t.

Hoyt tells Jessica that she means so much to him, that he wants her to meet his mama. Oh gee, that sounds like fun. Jessica gets all happy and excited, but Hoyt warns her that his mama hates vampires, and she might ask her a bunch of personal questions, or might not talk to her at all, which would make her lucky. No shit. Jessica tells him she doesn’t care what Hoyt’s mama does, that he’s introducing her to his family, and she never even hoped for that. Hoyt tells her that he’s proud that she’s his girl, and Jessica gives him a kiss. Aww, how cute. Jessica pulls away and yawns, tells Hoyt the sun’s coming up, so she has get in the damn cubby hole. Hoyt offers to go down there with her, but she tells him it’s not very comfortable. Hoyt says he’ll build them a tricked out double-wide, and Jessica says that’s so romantic. More romantic than a tricked out single wide? Hoyt promises to sit right there until she falls asleep, and Jessica tells him he’s the sweetest boy in the world, and too good to her; Hoyt says “Ain’t no such thing.” Aww, could you just die? Jessica goes into her little hole to sleep, and Hoyt sits down and sings to her.

At Sookie’s, Tara and Eggs are at breakfast, all bashed up with bruises on their faces. Maryann wanders in and asks how much they drank this time, but Tara tells her nothing, and Eggs agrees. Maryann says maybe they dropped some acid, since it was floating around, and calls them hippies; Eggs looks over, pissy and tells her that isn’t funny. Tara confirms, and says it’s embarassing, but Maryann gets all hoity toity, and declares she’ll never understand people getting embarassed about pleasure and laughter, or be ashamed of letting go. Tara says because she’s never been so out of control, and Maryann goes off again, stating that control is just a social cage for blocking out individuality, –Tara argues that there has to be some control or everything would just be chaos. That suits Maryann fine, and Eggs agrees that he likes a little chaos. Maryann comes over and sympathizes, “Of course you do,” hurray for chaos. Tara, however, doesn’t back off, and tells her flat out that she doesn’t want to black out, and Maryann asks if that’s really what she thinks is happening, and that she thinks they only rose to a higher state of consciousness.

Tara points out that they’re all beat up, and that there’s nothing “higher” about that, except for that they must have been high; she goes on to say that her mother used to black out for months at a time, she’s a black out expert. Maryann asks “Are you?” and without missing a beat, Tara answers “Certified.” Maryann asks what about the saints of India, and the mystics of other religions, who would black out and do all kinda crazy shit. Eggs and Tara stare at her, and Eggs asks “What about em?” Maryann says that everyone thought they were crazy, –Tara says they were, but Maryann disagrees, as if Tara was 12 and arguing with her about gas prices. Maryann gets all blurry eyed and says they were ecstatic, dissolving into infinity and losing themselves with god, etc.. Eggs and Tara continue to stare at Maryann as if she’s nuts, and she gets up and goes to the fridge to retrieve some vodka and tomato juice. She pauses, looks down on them, and says a few bumps and bruises are a small price to pay for bliss; then she offers them a Bloody Mary. Sure, why not, it’s only about 8:00 in the morning.

At the sheriff’s department, Bud Dearborn is walking through the jail while everyone hollers to be let out, and by everyone, I mean half the town; one cell full of women, one cell full of men, and Sam Merlotte, hollering that Bud has no evidence, and no right to keep him locked up. At the hotel, Sookie is just waking up beside a sleeping Bill. She leaves the room, and knocks on Jason’s door, telling him she can’t sleep; Jason admits he can’t either, and lets her in. They sit, talking about how things were at home, and why Jason was at the Fellowship; because it seemed to him, before they tried to kill him, that they liked him for himself, and that they stopped him from thinking about other stuff. Sookie asks him what he means, but he won’t say. Sookie asks him with all the hateful things he was learning over there, if he didn’t once stop and ask himself what Gran would say. Jason cuts her off, and says he won’t talk about Gran. Sookie asks why, and Jason tells her it’s because he doesn’t want to feel anything.

Sookie tells Jason that they have to talk about Gran; they can’t stop talking about her, remembering her, or loving her even if it hurts too much, because Gran would never have stopped loving them. Jason agrees, and Sookie tells him that they have to keep her alive in their hearts, and prayers. Jason asks, “And Mama and Daddy?” and Sookie takes his hand and tells him that’s right. A tear rolls down Sookie’s face, and Jason says sadly that their whole family is gone, everybody who counts, and they’re all alone, all that’s left. Jason is beginning to cry too, which means Sookie’s crying, Jason’s crying, –god damn it, I’m crying, are you crying? Sookie tells Jason that they have to grow up, stick together, and be good to each other, otherwise they’re letting their parents and Gran down. Jason nods, and turns to sit across from Sookie, and tells her he’s sorry about everything he ever did to her, that he’s a dumbass, a fuckup; Sookie tells him he wouldn’t be if he used his brain instead of just letting it take up space in his skull; she tells him that’s not dumb, that’s just lazy.

Jason sniffles and tells Sookie he’ll try, and she tells him she’s sorry too, that she always loves him, even when she wants to stick his head in a bucket and kick it round the yard. Jason tells Sookie he loves her too, even though he wishes she’d cook for him more, and was normal, and had a normal boyfriend. They lean back, and Sookie turns on the TV; Sarah and Steve Newlin are on the news already, facing Nan Flanagan’s accusation that they kidnapped a prominent member of the vampire community, but the Newlins argue that Godric came to them. Nan Flanagan states that “yeah, because everyone wants to be burned at the stake,” and goes on to say that they use their religious institution as an anti-vampire terrorism enclave, and Steve interjects that the Constitution gives them the right to defend themselves. Nan states flatly that they attacked vampires first; during all this, Steve has a bright red welt on his head from being shot by Jason’s paintball gun. He accuses back that vampires killed his father, and Nan Flanagan comes back fast, saying “That’s an allegation. This is a fact: You and your church armed a suicide bomber that killed vampires and humans.” Unfortunately, Sarah Newlin is the one to talk next.

Rather than say anything that makes sense, Sarah Newlin says, “We are fighting for God’s green earth, and daytime, and Christmas,” –Steve’s trying to talk now and interrupt Sarah’s delusional rambling, but she continues, “and Easter Eggs, and all that is sacred and good. We are fighting for–” Before she can say anything else, Steve fills in the blank with “human rights.” Then the Newlins start bickering, because Steve interrupted Sarah, and Nan Flanagan looks as though she just saw two retards fighting over a white crayon, and asks, “How can you have a meaningful dialogue with these people?” Steve tells Nan she needs to read some St. Paul, and Sarah tells her she hates her hair. Jason, watching, tells Sookie, “There’s a witch, and a son of a bitc,” then tells the TV, “Fuck you Newlins.” Amen. Sookie agrees. At Merlotte’s, Arlene delivers an order to a table, where a woman with a digital camera asks to see the freezer where the dead body was found. Arlene tells them it was a walk-in refridgerator, and to go find some roadkill cuz they ain’t eatin there. She takes their food back, and a big cranky man asks Arlene for silverware. She tells him to get himself, and answers the phone, hollering at her daughter that all she needs is the microwave to make lunch.

Lafayette approaches, and Arlene tells him she’s ’shit scared’, after what happened to Daphne, even though she was clumsy, stupid, and mean, she wouldn’t wish that kinda death on a possum. Arlene downs the shot that Lafayette hands her, and reminds him of the other body in the parking lot, frightened that maybe there’s some kind of curse flying around. Lafayette tells her if she watches out for him, he’ll watch out for her. She asks when it’s going to end, but Lafayette just shakes his head, and Terry calls ‘order up!’ from the back, followed by an “I think…” Arlene tries to talk to Terry, but he avoids her, and ignores her. Arlene starts to cry, and asks if what they did was so terrible, –but Terry hollers no, and tells her not to cry, and says “I didn’t mean to be… peculiar… at you.” He explains that he just doesn’t know what they did, and Arlene asks if they had sex, but they both agree that neither of them can remember. Terry asks if that’s good, but Arlene is just happy he isn’t mad at her, and Terry says, he can’t remember the last time he had sex with anybody.

Arlene asks Terry for some sugar, but some bitch hollers for corn in the dining area, ruining the whole moment. Arlene gives Terry a cute look and a “see you later”, then goes on to take the orders out. Tara and Eggs enter Merlottes, all bouncy and happy with themselves, but Lafayette takes one look at Tara’s face and rushes over to look more closely at the bruise. Tara tells him that Eggs didn’t do it, but he’s pissed, and is full on ready to kick his ass. Tara gets between them, and Eggs lunges forward to get Lafayette, hitting Tara in the process, but Lafayette is on his ass, and the two leave. The crowd at Merlotte’s claps, and the irritating bitch with the camera takes pictures. Lafayette asks what the fuck they’re looking at, but the laughing and cheering continues. At the Fortnberry house, Maxine is fixing Hoyt a cheese and potato chip sandwich, and bitching at him about running off to Dallas, and leaving her worried sick. Hoyt is just as agitated, and tells her to go ahead and speak her mind.

Maxine asks Hoyt why he’s messing with vampires anyway, and says that they’re devils. But Hoyt interrupts, and asks her why she has so much hate in her. Maxine looks shocked, and denies it, but Hoyt gives examples of everything she hates, such as Methodists, Catholics, African-Americans, –she tells him that’s supposed to be a secret, –and a whole number of other things, like red shoes, and checkered curtains and bait, and good god almighty, Maxine is all kinda cranky, damn. Hoyt finishes by saying every girl he ever liked, and the more he likes a girl, the more Maxine hates them. Maxine says she just objects to him having a girlfriend that will kill him and eat him, –that actually does kind of make sense,–but Hoyt states that she doesn’t even know Jessica, and says again that she is just “full of hate!” Maxine says it’s not her fault, and it’s just the way she was raised up. Mhm, never heard that one before. Hoyt tells her that Jessica might be a vampire, but she’s the one for him, and that Maxine has no say over that.

Maxine tells Hoyt that he is breaking her heart, and Hoyt hops up and tells her that he let her run him around because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but those days are over. He goes on to say he wants Maxine to meet Jessica, but if she won’t be nice, he’ll leave her house and never come back. Maxine tries to appeal to him by telling him he’s her only son, that he’s her baby boy. Hoyt hollers that he isn’t a baby, he’s a grown ass man. He takes half of his sandwich and storms out, leaving Maxine sniffling at the table. At the hotel, Sookie turns over in bed, and a finger traces her shoulder. Oh my frigging god, she laying next to Eric in bed, and they’re both butt nekkid. Could someone please give me a cold compress? I think I just might faint. They resume a conversation about why Sookie thinks she’d be a terrible vampire, and why Eric thinks she’d make a good one. Sookie says because she doesn’t feel right without a tan, she’d rather be alive than undead, and that she doesn’t feel right about them always killing people. Eric points out that she killed a man, but Sookie reminds him that was for self defense, not lunch.

Eric tells Sookie that she’d adapt, and trade the sun for the moon and stars. Sookie says she wants them all, and Eric smiles and says she’s greedy, Sookie agrees, and Eric says he loves it. Good god, he’s all kissing her hand and whatnot. Someone, fan me! Eric sits up on the pillow and tells her she has the right temperament for a vampire, and Sookie asks if it’s because she bloodthirsty, high maintenance and old as dirt. Eric agrees that she’s bloodthirsty, but Sookie says “I am not!”, and Eric says, “Everyone thinks you’re a darling, don’t they?” Sookie concurs, and says “I am a darling.” Eric bets that she’s ruthless when it comes to the people she loves, such as her friends, her brother, and him, –from somewhere in the room, someone says “Bill.” Sookie sits up and asks, “Where’s Biil?” Across the room, Lorena leans over in a chair, half shadowed, and asks why Sookie cares, since she’s already abandoned him. Sookie argues that she hasn’t and she loves Bill.

Sookie falls back on the pillows, and Eric tells her that he used to think she had no sense of humor; Sookie admits that she used to think Eric was cold hard stone, and empty inside. Eric asks her what she thinks now, and she says he’s a big faker, that he’s deep, he feels, and there’s love in him, –Eric replies only for Sookie, and they start making out. Lorena leans forward in the chair and says “You don’t want Bill, he means nothing to you.” Sookie sits up again and says no, but Eric pins her, and tells her this is the beginning, while Lorena chuckles in the background. Sookie doesn’t resist, she just continues making out with Eric. Anna Paquin, and everyone else that has ever made out with Alexander Skarsgard are lucky, spiteful bitches; this is my final verdict. Sookie wakes up next to Bill, looking pretty shocked. She cuddles close to her dead man, and is perhaps reminding herself that she loves Bill, not Eric. At the sheriff’s office in Bon Temps, the jail cells have overflowed into the office; people are handcuffed to the chairs.

Maryann strolls in and the people chained to the chairs are overjoyed, thinking she’s come to get them out. Maryann giggles, and says “We had a good time, didn’t we?” They all happily agree, and Maryann approaches the desk, calling “Hello?” Maryann calls for Sheriff Dearborn, who’s back in the holding area tossing another wench into the cell with all the other women.  Sam hears Maryann calling and flips out, while everyone else cheers for her. A fly buzzes around Sam’s face, then climbs into the vent. Sam takes a closer look, and gets an idea. In the lobby, Bud Dearborn offers Maryann some coffee, and she remarks that he looks exhausted; apparently, they’ve been arresting people all day and night. Maryann shakes her head and comments, “Major crime wave.” Bud tells her they’ve been out doing crazy things, mostly misdemeanors, but it’s stuff he’s never seen before, not in over forty ytears on the job. Maryann offers to talk some of them down, so that Bud can let a few of them out. He tells her he’d be grateful, and asks what he can do for her; Maryann asks about Sam, and Bud tells her he can’t let Sam out because he’s a suspect in a homicide case; he offers to take her back there, but she tells him she knows the way.

Maryann sits Bud Dearborn down and works her crazy vibrator magic on him; his eyes turn black. She takes his keys and tells him to stay. She heads back, and all the people in the holding cells holler for her, but she shouts that she wants Sam Merlotte. Mike Spencer points out Sam’s cell, but he’s gone. Maryann growls through her teeth that now, she’s really irritated. Well, I guess all those times she cut out people’s hearts, and did all that other crazy shit, she was in a good mood. She lets everyone out, still looking plenty cranky. At Merlotte’s, Maxine sits across from a nervous Hoyt, and an equally nervous Jessica, looking stony and full on ready to be a bitch. Jessica calls Maxine pretty, a vast overstatement, and declares that she’s happy that she came, though Hoyt puts in, “even if you were twenty minutes late.” Maxine uses not being able to decide on what to wear as her excuse. Hmm, I guess it was a choice between this ugly ass blue tent, or that ugly ass red tent.

Jessica sympathizes, and mentions red shoes, which makes Maxine twitch, and Hoyt bow his head a little lower. Maxine goes on to bitch about the traffic. Hoyt tries to change the subject by asking her what she wants to eat, or if she wants any more sweet tea, but Maxine says she isn’t hungry or thirsty. She leans over and tells Jessica that Hoyt is a very good boy; Jessica says she already knows, and Hoyt tells Jessica that she’s just as good as him. They start getting cute and giggly, until Maxine tells Jessica she wishes she could meet her people, to see what her family was like. Hoyt tries to interject, but Jessica explains that she was made a vampire against her will, and she has no family anymore, except for Hoyt. Maxine kicks into raging menopausal bitch mode, and says she’s sorry, that wasn’t fair, but that Hoyt has a bright future, and by bright, she means in the sun. Maxine goes on, to say that is Jessica thinks she’s just going to let her son wander around all hours of the night with an orphan vampire, then she has another thing coming. Jessica hisses and her fangs pop out; Maxine leans back.

Jessica growls and says that’s up to Hoyt, and Maxine crankily retorts that she will fight for what’s best for her boy, and Jessica says she will too, and that she can give Hoyt everything a human could. Maxine says, “Not hardly,” and Jessica asks, “Like what.” And here’s Maxine’s big nasty bitch comment of the night: She answers, “Babies.” Jessica begins to cry and runs toward the door. Hoyt stands up, pissed off, and says, “Well now you did it,” but Maxine, hard headed bitch that she is, tells him he’ll thank her one day. Hoyt throws money on the table, and says ,”Not today,” and turns to leave with Jessica. His mama calls after him, asking when he’ll be home, and Hoyt hollers never! The couple walk out, leaving Maxine there alone at the table, looking like a moron. She grabs Hoyt’s half empty beer, and takes a long drink, asking Arlene for another as she passes by. At Sookie’s house, a fly sits on the kitchen table watching Maryann, Tara and Eggs do shots and play cards. Someone knocks; Maryann calls for them to come in, and it’s Lafayette and Lettie Mae.

Tara sassily calls them “aliens”, and right away, shit turns ugly. Maryann asks who the big, sexy black man is (my phrase, baby, not hers), and Tara and Lafayette answer. Maryann invites them to join in, and Lafayette says no, Lettie Mae answers that they’ve come to take Tara away from them. They ignore them, laugh, and Maryann offers Lettie Mae a drink, asking her what she likes; Tara answers, “vodka, whiskey, hairspray, antifreeze,” while Eggs shakes his head and chuckles “damn.” Oooh, somebody needs to come up in there and do some heavy duty bitch slapping all around. Lafayette asks Tara what the fuck is wrong with her, while Maryann teases Lettie Mae with a bottle of vodka. Lafayette says he feels her, that she’s a soulless bitch, and Maryann dismisses the insult. Things get really nasty, and wicked when their eyes go black, and Tara jumps on her mama. Eggs follows, thinking that somehow, his skinny black ass is gonna whoop Lafayette; hell no. Lafayette stomps Eggs into the ground, but Tara is busy beating on her own mother. When Tara jumps attacks Lafayette, they get their chance; Lafayette throws Tara over his shoulder, and they run from the house.

Tara is pushed screaming into the car, and they speed off. Eggs, hollering too, runs after her, but Maryann holds him back, promising that Tara will return, and bring them with her. The fly, who saw it all, buzzes away. At the Hotel Carmilla, Nan Flanagan herself is bitching everybody out; all the vampires of Area 9, Eric, Bill, Sookie; asking if they have any idea of the “fucking PR mess” they’ve created, that she has to clean up. Nan states that she should drain every one of “you bastards.” Haha, nothing more sassy and evil than a vampire PR agent with a lot of speeches to write. Eric tells Nan that Stan planned the raid of the church without their knowledge, –Sookie is staring at Eric, and Eric looks her way, –and Nan replies nastily, “Really, everyone that’s known Stan in the last 300 years knew he had a kink about slaughtering humans, but you, his nest mates, his sheriff, had no idea.” Isabelle asks how they were supposed to know that Stan meant it this time, but Nan cuts her off, telling her that wasn’t her problem, and looks pointedly at Godric, stating “yours.” Eric gets tight inside, and tells Nan not to talk to him that way, but she tells Eric not to talk to her that way.

Nan wants to get to the point; she asks Godric how he was taken, and Godric says that one of them would have been taken sooner or later, so he offered him. Everyone is shocked, especially Eric. Nan asks why, Godric asks, “why do you think?” and she answers that she thinks he’s out of his mind. Then she brings up the traitor, and Godric quickly says, “irrelevant, only a rumor,” and promises to take full responsibility. Nan agrees, and Eric calls her a cold bitch. Nan turns her head, and honestly, she’s so stiff and steely, you expect her neck to creak. She tells Eric flat out, “Listen, this is a national vampire disaster, and nobody at the top has any sympathy for any of you,” –she turns to Godric, “Sheriff, you fucked up, you’re fired.” Godric nods, and agrees, suggesting Isabelle should take his place, since she had no part in his disgrace. Isabelle tells him to fight back, and Eric hollers that Nan is a bureaucrat, and that he doesn’t have to take shit from her. Nan asks Eric if he wants to lose his area, and Eric tells her she doesn’t have that kind of power. She replies, sassily, “Hey, I’m on TV. Try me.”

Isabelle speaks up, trying to shoulder blame for not containing Stan, but Godric stops her, and tells Nan he removes himself from all positions of authority. Sookie speaks up on Godric’s behalf, and tells Nan that she should thank him, from stopping what might have been an exponentially worse PR mess, and she should be thanking him. Nan asks if she should thank him for getting kidnapped, attracting a suicide bomber, piss poor judgement, –and Eric jumps up, ready to eat Nan. Isabelle puts herself between Eric and Nan, and Godric stops him, telling him it doesn’t matter. Eric and everyone else, sit back down. Nan asks to be told everything about the bombing, and Godric begins. Back at Merlotte’s Maxine is still boozing, whining about Hoyt to her friend, when Maryann enters, a wind blowing at her back, making her look all evil and nuts. She announces that “The god who comes demands his sacrifice! Where is Sam Merlotte?” Everyone’s eyes go black, and Arlene answers that Sam hasn’t been there all day; Terry calls from the bar that he was planning to leave a while ago.

Maryann does her best impersonation of Linda Blair, and shouts, “Find him and bring him to me! BRING HIM TO ME!” Roooooar! And stuff. At the local hotel, Andy is sitting on the floor boozing when outside a fly lands on his door knob. A second later there’s a knock on the door, and Andy anxiously opens the door, cracking it open to find Sam standing ther butt ass naked. Sam says, “Heard you were here,” and Andy lets him in. At the hotel, Nan declares the whole situation a fiasco, and declares that they’re lucky she doesn’t send them all to the magister. She tells Godric to come to her room to fill out the forms, but he replies that he first has something to say. “I’m sorry,” he begins, “I apologize for all the harm I’ve caused, all our lost ones, human and vampire. I will make amends, I swear.” Sookie looks at Godric, then Eric, but Nan tells Godric to “take it easy, it’s just a few signature.” After Nan leaves with her small entourage, of whom are mostly likely bodyguards, Eric stands, and tries to appeal to Godric to change his mind.

Godric tells Eric to look into his heart, and Eric knows, but still argues; Godric replies simply, “on the roof,” and follows Nan out. Bill tells Eric they have a score to settle, but Eric tells him not now. Bill disagrees, says “yes, now,” and punches Eric right in the face, then asks if he’s made his point. Eric weakly replies that it’s done, he’s a part of Sookie now, and tells Eric to get out of the way. Bill moves, and Eric leaves. Bill stares at Sookie, then wanders into the other room, flexing his hand; Sookie appraoches, stands in the doorway, and announces that she’s going to find Godric. Bill argues that none of this has anything to do with them, that Godric isn’t her problem; Sookie reminds Bill that without Godric, she wouldn’t be there. She tells him that Godric is in pain, and suffering, that she has to do something for him. Bill asks whether she thinks they’ve done enough for Dallas yet, but Sookie tells him that he of all people should know how Godric feels. Sookie asks Bill, “What if in 1800 years, you were Godric?”

Bill says all right, but demands that he go with Sookie; she tells him she refuses to let him take that chance. Bill tells Sookie that she’s tenderhearted, and he can see she feels obligated, but asks, in all honesty, what she can do for him. Sookie tells him she doesn’t know, she just has to be there. She asks Bill if he understands, and he replies that he does, kisses her, and Sookie leaves. On the roof, Sookie lingers by the stairs, while Godric tells Eric that 2,000 years is enough, and Eric says he cannot accept that, it’s insanity. Godric tells him, “Our existence is insanity. We don’t belong here.” Eric shouts, “But we are here!” They go back and forth; God ric says it’s still not right, and Eric answers that Godric told him that there is no right and wrong, only survival or death. Godric tells him that he told a lie, as it turns out. Eric tells him that he will keep him alive by force, and Godric asks, even if Eric could, why he would be so cruel. Eric begins to cry, saying in his own language, “Godric, don’t do it.” Godric answers, the same, “There are centuries of faith and love between us.” Eric begs him, repeating ‘please’ in his language. I have to stop for a moment, because this part makes me bawl.

Eric falls to his knees, and begs Godric again, who stands while the sky begins to lighten behind him, and repeats, “Father, brother, child,” as he did when he first offered to turn Eric, a thousand years ago, and asks Eric to let him go. Eric says, “I won’t let you die alone,” but Godric says he will, and Eric sobs once more, while Godric places a hand on his head, and says, “As your maker, I command you.” Eric stands and walks toward the stairs, where Sookie waits; she takes Eric’s hand and promises to stay with Godric, as long as it takes. Eric leaves, and she goes to Godric, who says “It won’t take long, not at my age.” Sookie tells him that the whole Feelowship of the Sun part wasn’t very smart, –way to go Sookie, nice bedside manner, –and Godric says he knows that now, but that after so long, he doesn’t think like a vampire anymore. He asks Sookie if she believes in God, and she says yes. Eric asks, “If you’re right, how will he punish me?” Sookie tells him that God doesn’t punish, God forgives.

Godric tells Sookie “I don’t deserve it, but I hope for it,” and Sookie tells him we all do. Godric asks if Sookie will care for Eric, and she says she isn’t sure, “you know how he is,” and Godric smiles a little, and says he can take the blame for that too. Sookie says, “Maybe not, Eric’s pretty much himself.” The sky lightens more, and Godric faces the sun. Sookie asks if he is very afraid, and Godric says “No, no. I am full of joy,” –Sookie starts, “But the pain,” and Godric interrupts her to say, “I want to burn.” Sookie tells him, “I’m afraid for you.” Godric starts to smoke a little, and he smiles at Sookie, and says, “A human with me at the end, and human tears; 2,000 years, and I can still be surprised. In this I see God.” Sookie backs off, and cries softly, tell Godric goodbye, as the sun sets him aflame. He burns in blue fire, closes his eyes, smiles, and vaporizes into ash on the wind. And that’s where they leave us! Sitting here, crying like ninnies, waiting to see what the hell happens next. By the way, if you’re wondering why you’re getting so many direct quotes from Godric, it’s because he dies pretty fast in the series, so everything he says is important.

Related Reading:

Breaking Trail: A Climbing Life

Living Dead in Dallas: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel (True Blood TV Tie-In Edition)

Sookie Stackhouse 8-copy Boxed Set (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)

The Essential Rene Guenon: Metaphysical Principles, Traditional Doctrines, and the Crisis of Modernity (The Perennial Philosophy Series)

Her Small-Town Hero (Eden, OK Series #2) (Love Inspired #471)

Related posts:

1. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 8
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6

After Jace Everett serenades us against a backdrop of southern culture and lust, we see, OMFG, that Jason Stackhouse is alive! He’s alive, alive, alive! Do a happy dance! He sits up, and that crazy Newlin bitch has shot him with a paint gun. He lays there, repeating that he’s saved, and it was God that saved him, while Sarah hollers for him to grow a brain cell. Hey, watch it now, only people who know Jason can pick on him, –like us! Jason calls her a crazy bitch, and she starts screaming at him that she gave him everything, and bla bla bla, and he is worse than Judas! Jason stares at her and says, “Why, what’d he do to you?” Sarah lets out a maniacal laugh, and says “Fuck you!” before shooting him in the balls with her paint gun. Now that was uncalled for! Before she can shoot him again, Jason asks what the hell is going on, and why she told her husband, Steve Newlin, about their affair. But that’s not why she’s pissed; she comes right out and says, “We have your sister!” Uh oh, you’re gonna piss him off.

Sarah tells him while pointing the gun at him that Stackhouses ain’t nothin but heartless, two-faced, vampire fuckers. Ooh, that’s some nasty language from the Barbie-Bible-Bot, and Jason snatches the gun out of her hands and knocks her over, telling her not to ever talk about his sister like that. Jason hollers at Sarah, while he jumps in her little gold cart, that if he finds out any of them so much as touched Sookie, he’s coming back “an’ it won’t be with no FUCKIN paint gun!” Oooh, the crazy bitch made him mad! Jason takes off, leaving Sarah Newlin’s stupid ass crying in the ditch. Steve Newlin is speaking loudly on the PA over the obnoxious alarm, that the church is on lockdown, women with children are being herded into classrooms, all able-bodied men and personnel are being supplied with stakes and silver. Eric and Sookie are trying to sneak out, and Sookie suddenly asks why Bill isn’t there. He tells her that Bill would kill everyone because of his irrational attachment to her.

Sookie asks if Godric is Eric’s maker, rhetorically, and he tells her not to use words she doesn’t understand. Sookie says Eric has a lot of love for Godric, and he tells her not to use words he doesn’t understand. Aww, poor Eric. Eric watches as the doors to the church are closed by a group of men, who almost lock the door, before Eric goes around the corner. Sookie goes to stop him but Eric leans in all close and good god… all sexy like he does… and says “Trust me.” Sookie’s eyes get all big, and she stands back while Eric goes out for some play acting that will absolutely disturb you. He hangs his head forward, hunches his shoulders a bitch, and speaks in a southern accent, telling the guys at the door that Steve sent him to man the door. When they notice he doesn’t have a stake, or silver, Eric attempts to glamour one of them for a stake, but one guy sneaks up behind Eric to stake him. Sookie hollers “Stake!” and Eric scatters them like feathers in a light breeze. They fall over and run off, but one guy almost gets a stake through the neck, before Sookie tells Eric he doesn’t have to kill the guy. Eric drops him and opens the door.

Outside, a bunch of deranged Soldiers of the Sun are coming up the walk with bows and wooden arrows; the guy on the ground tells them that the arrows are wooden, and they’ll never make it. Sookie tells Eric to go through the sanctuary, and off they go! As they’re about halfway down the aisle, Eric asks where the exit is; Sookie points it out, and Steve Newlin appears, saying there are several exits, but the easiest one takes them straight to hell. Sookie and Eric stop; behind them, a mob streams in through the doors, carrying stakes, and silver chains. Sookie tells them to let her and Eric leave, to save theirselves, that no one has to die. Steve tells her “The war has begun, you evil whore of Satan!” Woo, that’s harsh. Steve says vampires cast the first stone by murdering his family, that the lines have been drawn, and they’re prepared for Armageddon. Sookie tells them that Godric escaped, and is sending for help, but Steve says he isn’t concerned with Godric, that any vampire will do for their grand celebration, and they’ve got one right there, –pointing to Eric. No! Not Eric!

Eric looks at Sookie, and tells her he’ll be fine, before stepping up closer. Steve Newlin giggles like a lunatic, and tells the mob that there -will- be a holy bonfire at dawn. Back at Bill’s hotel room, Lorena has poor Barry the Bellboy pinned against the door, while Bill sits looking miserable. Lorena declares Barry “room service” and though Barry tries to explain that he doesn’t do that kind of thing, Lorena spins him around and that shuts him up. Bill once again feels Sookie’s fear, and says her name aloud, while Lorena bitches and moans about how Sookie is like an alarm clock you can’t switch off. Well, if you’re ancient and don’t know how to unplug it, yeah, it might be hard to figure it out. Duh. Lorena looks at Bill and says he can have the first bite, but Bill hisses at her that he isn’t hungry. When Lorena bites Barry, she’s shocked because Barry tastes different, and she asks what he is. While she’s distracted, Bill grabs a TV and smashes her over the head with it. Barry slumps to the floor, and before Lorena can get up again, Bill smashes her flat with the TV. Daaaamn, that shit looked like it hurt.

Bill grabs Barry and carries him off, while on the floor, Lorena is laying with her eyes wide open, and bleeding out of her head. In the next room, Hoyt and Jessica are “doin it” and Bill bursts in, –Jessica screams and hides under the sheets, while Bill looks away a little freaked out. Before Hoyt can say anything more retarded than, “those were screams of pleasure!”, Bill tells Hoyt to take her, put her in the truck, and drive her back to Bon Temps right now. Hoyt falters for a moment, and asks “Now?” Bill hollers “now!” and runs out the door, slamming it behind him. Back in Bon Temps, Lafayette is reading Tarot for Tara, and comes up with the Lovers, upside down, and explains to her that the negative meaning calls for a sacrifice of the heart, and she’ll need to make a choice. Tara protests that it might turn out well, …right? Lafayette asks her if she wants to see the future, and just as he’s about to flip the Justice card, Eggs walks in, telling Tara he needs to talk to her. Lafayette gathers the cards, saying that he’s off to go clean or grill something.

Eggs is all upset because he’s blacked out again; he remembers being in the car, and then he wakes up two hours later, sleeping on the ground by the lake, freezing cold with no idea how he got there. Poor baby. He asks Tara what the hell is wrong with him, –like she has a clue? Tara tells him it’s okay, and calls to Lafayette if he’s okay to close up, before she hauls Eggs off to take him home. At the Fellowship of the Sun, Jason speeds into the parking lot, and up to the church holding his paintball gun, where he tells the guys outside that he’s a cadet with the Light of Day Institute, in order to get into the church, and that it was Steve Newlin who called for him. They let him in, with one guy, who suddenly asks, “Is that a paintball gun?” Jason smacks him upside the head with it, knocking him down, and says, “Yeah it is.” Woo, go Jason! Kickin’ ass! Jason drags the unconscious guy out of the way, and stashes him. Outside Merlotte’s, Sam is sleeping in his Jeep, one paranoid step away from wearing a tin foil hat. His cell phone rings and he lurches awake, gun in hand. Jesus Christ, don’t shoot yourself, lunatic. He finds the phone, but it says “Merlotte’s” on the caller ID. He answers the phone; whomever is calling from inside his bar makes a gross, breathy sound and hangs up.

Sam gets up, and decides to check his bar out, calling ‘Hello?’ as he opens the door, and walks around, carefully. He heads back to the kitchen where the cooler door is ajar, and finds Daphne laying there, propped up against boxes of produce, with a gaping hole in her chest. Hmm, funny how, dead Daphne doesn’t look much at all like Live Daphne. “Jesus Christ!” Sam says, and runs off ot hide his gun and get some garbage bags. With her body half covered, Sam gives up, and grabs his phone. He dials the number, but as soon as the call goes through, he hears cars outside and sees the flashing blue lights that mean the cops are here already. At Sookie’s, Maryann hums to herself while she cut up and cooks Daphne’s heart. Yum! I especially like the part where she rubs it like it’s going to come to life any minute and hop under her dress for some wicked nasty hanky panky. In the sanctuary section of the Fellowship of the Sun’s church, Eric is laid out on the altar, restrained by silver chains that make him sizzle in place. Steve Newlin rambles about the connection between Jesus being betrayed by silver, and vampires being harmed by it.

Sookie hollers “That doesn’t make any sense! How can you people listen to him?!” but the mob doesn’t listen, and watches in morbid fascination while Eric offers himself for Godric and Sookie’s freedom. Just as Steve Newlin is remarking on how neat it would to tie Sookie to Eric and roast them together, Bill rushes in, hollering for Sookie. But Steve puts a gun to Sookie, and tells Bill if he takes another step he’ll kill her. Bill in turn tells Newlin that if he shoots Sookie, everyone in the room will die, and repeats to release Sookie. Steve tells his mob to put chains on Eric as well, but suddenly, Jason pops up and shoots the gun right out of Steve’s hand! Nice shootin’ Tex! Jason hollers, “Let her go, fuckwad!” and pegs Steve again, right between the eyes! Steve screams and curses while the mob drags Jason down, but while they’re distracted, Bill rushes forward and scatters everyone restraining Sookie, who in turn, frees Eric, who is looking plenty mean. Eric grabs Steve and slams him down by the throat, and Sookie hollers for Eric not to kill him.

Jason feels differently though, screaming, “Kill the motherfucker!” angrily. Luke is in the tumult as well, looking around all confused. Steve tells Eric to go ahead and kill them, to martyr them before God, because they are willing to die. Suddenly, all the vampires of Area 9 show up, looking ready for action and mad as hell. Stan, in the lead, hollers for Steve Newlin, and Steve, on the floor, is all, “huh?” Stan asks if he expects them to sit on their thumbs while his little army prepares to lynch them, and promises “we’ll kill you first, just like we did your father.” Steve screams “Murderer!” and struggles in Eric grip. Stan orders the vampires to kill everyone, and faster than you can actually see, the vampires each take a human and prepare to eat them. Before anyone get a bite, Godric stands above them all in the sanctuary’s rafters, and shouts “Enough!” Godric tells his vampires that the people of the Fellowship haven’t harmed him, and asks Steve if they leave the Fellowship in peace, will he do the same?

Steve hollers that he refuses to negotiate with sub-humans. He crawls up on his knees by Eric, and opens his collar, saying “Kill me, Jesus will protect me!” Uh huh, apparently. Godric says that he’s actually older than Jesus, and he wishes he could have known him, but he missed it. Even faster than the other vampires, Godric is off the beam, and snatches Steve Newlin up by his collar, asking which of the people present are willing to die for Newlin’s madness. No one says a word, and Godric tells everyone to stand down, and tells all the humans to go home, tossing Steve aside. Godric remarks that his faith in humankind is stronger than Steve’s. Steve whines for them not to leave him, but they do anyway, walking out and probably thrilled to be alive. Luke walks out with the rest of them, still looking troubled. Godric tells his vampires to “Come,” but Stan steps in front of them, starting to say, “Sir, after what these humans have done to you, –” but Godric cuts him off, and again tells him firmly to “come.”

Stan is not pleased, but does as he’s told, and Eric approaches Sookie to ask if she’s sure she’s okay, but Bill, cranky about Eric’s nasty trick, tells Eric she’s fine, to go with his maker. Jason approaches Sookie and hugs her tight, but she wants to know how the hell he got there, and if he lost his mind. Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sookie it was like Steve “sucked out my brain and planted all his own babies in there.” Uhhhh… k. Steve Newlin says Jason knows nothing, and that on the final day of reckoning, we’ll see who goes to heaven. Jason walks up to Steve and tells he’s been to heaven; “It was inside your wife.” Oh damn! Zing! Jason punches Steve in the face, Bill pulls him away, and Sookie, embarrassed and not actually angry, tells Jason to come on. Jason throws his ring at Steve, and says “Honesty my ass, shithead!” still cursing as they leave the church.

At Merlotte’s Kenya, the bitchy disbelieving deputy, and Sheriff Bud Dearborn, equally annoying and disbelieving, are telling Sam they can’t tell him where their anonymous tip came from. Sam asks them why he’d put a dead body in his own cooler, and asks whether the call was from a woman. Kenya asks if it was true that Sam was having a relationship with the deceased, and Sam admits that it was true. When they start questioning him as to why he wasn’t more emotional about her death, he tells them that he and Daphne broke up. They get into their theory that Sam must have been “pretty angry”, and so on, and Sam tries to tell them that they have to trust him, because there is more to what’s going on. Kenya brings up the other dead body that’s shown up on Sam’s property, and Bud mentions the third waitress that has been killed. Sam is outraged, since it was Rene Lenier that killed the other two. Sam tries to appeal to them again, saying that they know him; but Bud tells him that there are no records of Sam’s past, and such.

Bud Dearborn tells Sam to save it, and tell them what happened that night. Andy lurches in and tells them that they got the wrong guy; Bud asks how Andy heard about what was happening, since he’s not a cop anymore. Andy reveals his radio, and tells Bud that he’s still got it. He tries to tell them that Sam was really the victim, and Kenya jumps up, asking if Bud wants her to get him, but Bud gets up and tries to “reason with” Andy, –even though Andy is telling the truth this time. Andy tells them he saw Sam almost get killed last night, and that the vic in the cooler, Daphne, was one of the crazy people dancing around in the woods trying to kill Sam. Bud explains to Kenya that Andy tried to tell him that he thinks he saw some kind of bull, –Andy goes on, “a bull, with claws, and… a dress!” Shit, it does sound crazy, but yes, a big bull headed monster with claws in a dress did try to kill Sam. Andy explains that he tried to fight them off, but holds up his arms and points to his “war wound.”

Andy turns to Sam and tells him he’s “corroboratin’ here, help me! Tell ‘em!” Sam turns to Bud and says, “If I told you that’s what happened, would you believe me?” Bud looks at them both like they’re insane, and Andy grumbles ‘aw, shit.’ At Sookie’s house, Tara is trying to comfort Eggs, telling him he’s not the only one losing time; that she’s blacked out, Arlene has blacked out, and maybe there’s been some kind of gas leak. Eggs asks about Andy Bellefleur, saying that he’s seen them all dancing and screwing and whatnot, but Tara dismisses him as a nutball. Eggs confides to Tara that he has a sick feeling that he did something really bad, but before Tara can say anything, Maryann pops in asks if she’s interrupting. Um, yeah bitch, GTFO. But Eggs explains that they’re trying to piece together everything they’ve been doing for the last couple of days. Maryann says maybe they’ve been enjoying themselves a little too much, and maybe they should ease up on the partying, and take it easy for a while.

Tara and Eggs look at her like kids who just got caught stuffing peanut butter inside a VCR. Maryann claps, and says, “Hey! Snack’s ready!” and her little minions follow her into the kitchen where she serves them what she calls “Hunter Souffle.” Tara carves into it, and the nasty damn thing is all red and nasty looking, and leaking good. It looks like the stuffed what was left of the dead Eddie goo in there and put a crust over it. Shit, I wouldn’t eat that if somebody put a gun to my head. Eggs shovels a forkful of the nasty looking red shit into Tara’s mouth, and she goes, “Mmm, is that rabbit you caught in here?” and Maryann answers, “Among other thing.” Fuck that gross shit, ew, god damn. She didn’t even tell them what else was in it! You know like, the human heart of one of Tara’s co-workers. They both start shoveling dangly bits of carnage into their mouths, and honestly, this scene can’t be over fast enough. It looks like they’re eating guts and roadkill, and all kinda nasty shit. *puking sounds*

At the Area 9 nest, vampires, donors, and the like, mingle amongst one another, and they line up one at a time to welcome Godric back into the nest. Stan, next in line, welcomes Godric back, and tells him they’re all very relieved. Godric nods, and Stan walks up; Jason was behind him, and he approaches Godric nervously, and tells him he’s real sorry for what the Fellowship put him through. Before he can leave, Godric tells him that he helped save many lives that day, and that he has friends in the area whenever he’d like to visit. Jason says thanks, but tells Godric he doesn’t think he’ll be coming back any time soon. Jason walks off, and almost runs into Eric, who says “Hail the conquering hero,” by way of greeting. Jason practically blushes and says “Nah, I ain’t no hero,” but Eric says he is in that area, –but reminds him that in his area, they know Jason well as a buyer and user of vampire blood. Jason looks terrified, but Eric says they can call it even, as long as Jason doesn’t do it again. Jason confirms, and Eric says, “Good boy,” and sends Jason along, looking very pleased with himself.

Jason wanders off, while across the room, Sookie thanks one of the vampires in the nest for the outfit she let Sookie borrow, and confronts Bill about his avoiding being alone with her all night. Bill says “Nonsense,” but before he can go off an any spiel, Sookie asks him where he was while she was held prisoner in the Fellowship’s basement. He almost says, “It’s complicated,” but before he can finish, Sookie demands a real answer. He starts to tell her he was “held”, and Sookie asks if he means kidnapped, and if it was Eric, who wanders over at the sound of his name, and asks Sookie if she was speaking well of him. She asks why she should, when he let her walk into a trap, and he starts to say if he had known, –but Sookie cuts him off, with a “You did know.” Oooh, busted, Captain Smooth. Sooke continues, that because it was Godric, he’d have risked anything; Eric explains that the bond between a vampire and maker are stronger than anything, and perhaps one day she’d find out. Bill looks pissed, and there are stares all around for a moment.

In Bon Temps, Hoyt and Jessica continue to make out as they walk into Bill’s house and close the door. Hoyt tells Jessica “whoa,” and reminds her Bill might not like them doing “this stuff” in his house. Jessica giggles and says Bill will never know. Yeah right; if vampires can hear as well as they can, then they can probably smell sex too. Jessica expresses an interest in wanting to “do it again”, so they strip, and get ready to screw on that one couch, where all the screwing takes place. Icky. When they start screwing again, Jessica suddenly tells him to stop, because it hurts, and Hoyt finds blood again. Jessica looks upset, as it slowly dawns on her hymen “grew back.” She paces, beginning to cry, when Hoyt finally figures out why she’s upset. Hoyt tries to comfort and tell her that it’s beautiful because every time will be like their first time. But Jessica isn’t going for it, she tells him that it’ll hurt like hell, that she’s a deformity of nature, she’ll be a virgin forever, and she turns away to cry. That would really suck, poor Jessica.

In Dallas, at Godric’s nest, Bill and Eric pass in the hallway, and Bill grabs Eric’s arm to have a word with him; Eric tells him he doesn’t like being touched, and Bill tells him, “Believe me, I don’t like touching you.” Well, gosh, I hope not. Almost everyone is pretty sure Bill is straight. Looks like Bill is going to confront Eric about calling Lorena. Bill tells Eric that his contact with Sookie will end immediately, and Eric retorts that’s hardly for Bill to say. Bill says that calling in Lorena, because Eric can’t win Sookie for himself, was a “feeble and desperate” move. Eric turns around, smiles, and asks him if he’s picking a fight. Bill tells Eric flat out that Sookie will never be his, that he is powerless, and to just accept it. Oh, but it looks like something interesting is about to happen; Isabelle is dragging in her human lover, Hugo, who looks all kinda fucked up. She knocks him flat on his face before Godric, and tells them that Hugo was the one who betrayed them. Jason watches from the crowd. Godric asks Isabelle if Hugo is her human, she admits yes, and when Godric asks if she loves him, she is silent for a moment; there are traces of blood on her face from where she’s been crying.

Isabelle admits she did love him, and when she starts to cry again, Godric says it appears that she still loves him. Isabelle says she does, but that Godric is still her sheriff, and he can do with Hugo as he pleases. Godric tells them that the human is free to go; and Jason looks like he’s got some thinking to do. Stan angrily says “What?!” from somewhere in the crowd, and Godric firmly repeats himself. Godric tells Hugo to go, and don’t return, because it isn’t safe for him there. Stan argues that “this is a travesty”, and Godric reminds him that this is his verdict, and calls for Eric to escort him out, and see that he is left unharmed; Isabelle follows, perhaps to say goodbye. So sad. Sookie approaches Bill again, asking what “that” was about; Bill assumes she means Godric’s verdict, but Sookie said she meant what the deal was with why he was talking to Eric if he kidnapped Bill. Bill admits that it wasn’t Eric, but before he can say more, Jason comes up, and taps Bill, quietly asking “Mr. Compton?”

Jason asks if there’s somewhere he can talk to Bill in private, but Sookie tells him now isn’t the time; Jason insists, and says if he doesn’t say it now, then he never will. Bill agrees to go talk with Jason, and the two men leave Sookie there looking irate. At the sheriff’s office, Bud leads Sam to a cell, while Sam tries to tell Bud that he really isn’t the guy they want. Bud tells Sam that if it’s true that something’s after him, then jail is the safest place for Sam to spend the night. They get to a holding cell, and Jane Bodehouse is in jail, with no pants on, offering Sam a hug, and Mike’s in a cell too, claiming he was arrested for sodomizing a pine tree, though he doesn’t remember it, he claims it must be true because his pecker has all kinds of scratches on it. Kenya tells Sam it was a hell of a night, and must be a full moon, –Sam surreptitiously remarks that he’s pretty sure it’s not. Bud Locks Sam up, and tells Mike to leave Sam alone. Outside at the Area 9 nest, Bill asks Jason what he wanted to talk about.

Jason tells Bill that he wants his forgiveness, and that he knows Bill loves his sister, and that there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to, and admits that he’s let his own stupid, ignorance stand in the way. Bill looks a little uncomfortable, but tells Jason thank you, but he’s also indebted to Jason for helping him rescue Sookie. Jason says that after all he did to fuck everything up, it was the least he could do. Jason says he was sorry that it took him so long to wake up, but Bill says Jason did, just in time. Jason looks like he might cry, and then wraps Bill up in a big hug; Bill looks a -lot- more uncomfortable, but does his best to hug Jason back. Jason asks awkwardly if that was “okay for you” and Bill, about a hundred times more awkward, says “it was fine.” Inside, Isabelle almost approaches Godric, then turns and walks off; Eric instead approaches, and tells Godric that Hugo has been dispatched with a warning not to stop driving until he reaches the Mexican border. Eric tells him he’s arranged for an extremely rare AB- human for Godric, but Godric thanks him, and tells him he isn’t hungry.

Eric tells him he has to eat eventually, and that he doubts the Fellowship had anything to offer. He turns serious though, and asks Godric why he wouldn’t leave when Eric first came for him. Godric tells him they didn’t treat him badly, and that he’d be surprised at how ordinary most of them are. Eric says that they do nothing but fan the flames of hatred for vampires, but Godric tells Eric to be honest; vampires are frightening, and that after thousands of years, they still haven’t evolved, only gotten more brutal, more predatory. Eric looks a little bit pained, but Godric goes on, to say that he doesn’t see the danger in treating humans as equals, and that the Fellowship of the sun arose because vampires never have. Eric asks Godric if that’s why he didn’t fight when they took him; Godric admits he could have killed all of them in minutes, and asks what that would have proven. Eric looks both a bit sad, and deep in thought, almost slightly ashamed. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs sit in front of a disgusting mess of red gross shit, and giggle to each other.

Things start taking a weird turn when they begin telling each other how invincible they feel; Eggs rips his shirt off, and says he feels like nothing can hurt him. Maryann is watching from the doorway with a glass of wine. Tara says “Oh yeah?” and tells him she fucking hates his guts, and Eggs grabs her throat, grins, and tells her she isn’t even trying. So they stand up, smile at each other, and Tara hauls off and smacks him. They all start to laugh, including Maryann, and Eggs asks for “more” so Tara punches him, –a pretty good one too, they’re either using film editing, or Rutina Wesley must work out! They continue laughing, and Eggs stands up, and asks her if that’s all she’s got, –so Tara kicks him right in the balls. Damn. Eggs sits up, and his eyes have gone completely black; he tells her it felt good, and lightly touches her face, before hitting her hard enough to make her spin round. They’re still giggling; Tara comes back for more, and tells him to do it again. This time he backhands her, and she goes flying back once more.

Tara’s eyes have gone black, and she tells Eggs she wants him, before she knocks him back on the floor, and they start fucking right there in the foyer. Egads.  Outside the nest in Dallas, something interesting is happening. A man gets out of a car, and heads toward the house. Sookie is talking with another woman present, when a brunette in a whore-red dress enters; ooooh, it’s Lorena, there to stir up the shit pot. She walks up to Sookie and introduces herself; other vampires and humans begin to stare, but Sookie politely introduces herself as well. Lorena says, “You’re what all the fuss is about,” and Sookie says “Excuse me?” Uh oh, watch about, shit is about to hit fan! Sookie asks who she is, and Lorena says they have a “mutual friend”, –Sookie guesses Bill, and you can tell, she’s starting to get pissed. Lorena tells Sookie it’s funny he never mentioned her to Sookie, since she “practically made him what he is today.” Bill spies Lorena talking to Sookie and hollers her name; Lorena answers by saying she was just getting to know his plaything. Ah shit, Sookie’s getting angry!

Sookie looks at Bill, and asks if Lorena is his maker; Bill tries to explain that Lorena released him years ago, and no longer has any hold over him. Lorena says she wouldn’t go that far, since she spent two wonderful nights with him in their hotel room. This cracks me up, –Lorena asks Sookie, “Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52-inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they’re so light and thin, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, it’s quite a weapon.” Yeah, no shit. Sookie looks at Bill and asks, “You did?” but Bill isn’t having any bullshit, and tells Lorena that she needs to leave. Lorena ignores him and tells Sookie that she hopes Bill doesn’t pull the same “shenanigans” with Sookie, as he did with her, and that there’s no excuse for domestic violence. God, what a dumb word. Hard to believe a vampire would say that word out loud. Bill states that what Lorena fails to mention is that she was holding him prisoner there. Lorena blows him off, and tells Sookie they were just catching up, and that Sookie must have been worried sick.

Lorena says things got “heated”, and goes to touch Bill’s face, but Sookie snatches her hand, and warns her not to touch Bill. Ooh, cat fight! Lorena calls Sookie feisty and giggles, then tells Sookie she’s nothing but a blood bank, and she can’t win. Sookie holds her head up and tells Lorena she’s already won; Bill chose her, and yet, Lorena won’t give up, “don’t you have any shame?” Bill sees where this is going, and tries to get Sookie to stop. Lorena tells Sookie to listen to Bill, and crosses the table to him, saying “William and I love each other, –” but Bill pushes her away, tells her she’s nuts, and to get out. Bill holds Sookie back, apparently, Sookie’s willing to punch Lorena right in the head, haha. Sookie tells Lorena that even if she does love Bill, he doesn’t love her, and they both know it. Lorena’s fangs pop out, and she tells Sookie to take what she said back, –Stan looks pretty amused, –and Sookie screams at her “Go find someone else you fucking bitch, you’ve lost this one!” Oooh, cold. Lorena knocks Bill back, –Jason comes running, but Lorena snatches Sookie, and is just about to nail her, when Godric grabs her by the throat, and removes Lorena.

Godric tells Lorena slowly and firmly to retract her fangs now, and lowers her so that she has to look up to him, as he says he doesn’t know or care who she is, “but in this area, and certainly this nest, I am the authority. Do you understand?” Lorena says, “Yes, sheriff,” and looks afraid that he might rip her head clean off. Godric releases her throat, and says “This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind, and yet you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us.” Lorena, on the verge of tears, and angry, tells Godric that Sookie provoked her. Godric tells her “You provoked me. You disrupt the peace in my own home. I could snap you like a twig… and I haven’t. Why is that?” Lorena answers that it’s his choice. Godric says, “Indeed it is. You’re an old vampire, I can tell. You’ve had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven’t. You’re still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists.” Godric calls for Bill, since he knows Lorena, and Bill sounds guilty when he admits he does.

Godric orders Bill to escort Lorena from the nest. Sookie tells Bill to go ahead, and Godric turns back to Lorena. He tells her to be out of his area before dawn, and Lorena walks off, Bill following her. Outside, Lorena tells Bill she doesn’t know how it got this way, that she can’t help still loving him, that he knows she does, and now, her loving him has become nothing but a constant humiliation. Bill tells her that the pain she suffers is self-inflicted, and Lorena asks when they will see each other again. Bill tells her never, as blood tears run down her face, and she says that they are immortal; their paths are bound to cross eventually. Bill just stares at her. Inside the nest, everyone chats, even Jason, when the mysterious stranger comes down the stairs and enters the main living area. Holy shit, it’s Luke! Why’s he there? Jason recognizes him and goes up to him to ask why he’s there, but Luke tells him to stay away, and go. Suddenly Luke calls out to everyone, and asks for their attention; he tells them his name is Luke McDonald, that he’s a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. Vampires start to get up and move closer, when Luke says he has a message for all of them from Steve Newlin; Luke unzips his coast and reveals silver bullets, silver chains, all hanging over explosive strapped to his body.

The lights on the bomb flash red and green, and Sookie gasps, but before she can move any further than a step, Luke pushes the button on the detonator in his hand. And that’s where they leave us! OMG, how unfair! Don’t worry, in a couple of days, I’ll tell you what happens. <3

Related Reading:

L'Ordre De Bon-Temps

Blood Revenge

Shakespeare's Counselor (Lily Bard Mysteries, Book 5)

Definitely Dead: A Sookie Stackhouse Novel (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)

Boo (The Boo Series #1)

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2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 7
3. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6

Cue the intro music! Jace Everett is getting us in the mood for what’s to come, with Bad Things, –and this episode is going to chock full of awesomeness after all the cliffs they left us dangling off of in the last episode. Andy tries shouting and telling the naked townspeople all to freeze, but they ignore him and wander off. Andy spies his cousin, Terry Bellefleur, with Arlene, and without pants on. Andy tries to turn him around, but Terry grabs his hand, twists, and punches his wrists. Arlene claps, cackles, and bounces up and down while Terry screams something like a battle cry. Andy lays there, miserable and in pain, hollering like a stuck pig, while the two lunatics frolic off. In the Fellowship of the Sun’s basement, Sookie calls out to Godric, if he’s there, to let them know that she and Hugo were sent by Isabelle and Eric, to save him. Hugo starts getting all sissified, because he really is claustrophobic, –or maybe just worried about getting caught. Sookie ignores his rant and looks at the neat little board games down there, such as “Send Them Back to Hell” and “Jesus Christ Vampire Exterminator”, –I wonder if the game is based on the movie! Hugo starts freaking out more, and Sookie tries to calm him down.

Hugo suggests, once he’s done with his pussified panic attack, that maybe Stan is trying to bump off Godric and be the new sheriff, since the Fellowship idiots knew exactly who they were the minute they walked in. Sookie doesn’t think Stan would do something that crazy, but Hugo disagrees, –Sookie gets sidetracked, worrying that Bill will come crashing through the church any second, since she knows he sensed her fear. Hugo asks why she’s worried, and Sookie tells him, that they’re about to kill an ancient vampire, and who knows what else they’re capable of. At the hotel, Lorena is fighting to keep Bill in the room; all the ex’s will know this fight when they see it. In the human world this is the “how long can I keep him here before he calls the cops?” fight, but I guess with vampires police aren’t an issue, so it could go on forever. Bill reaches behind Lorena and tries to open the door, but she throws him down and pins him to the floor with a high heel firmly planted over his heart, –and you know, she’s talking all kinds of shit. Bill throws her up off him, and she falls on the floor while he runs for the door, –she gets there first though. Instead of renewing the game, Bill asks why she’s there, and she answers that she’s missed him.

Yeah, bucket loads, it looks like.  Flashback! It’s Los Angeles in 1935, and Bill is reading books, –oh no! Not books! Lorena returns from a music, bitching about how cheerful they are, –duh, –and she’s brought him home a present, one of the chorus girls, and blonde as well. The drawn on pencil thin eyebrows are making my stomach turn. Now both women are wearing them! Lorena introduces Francis the chorus girl, to Alfred, the rich tormented vampire who is actually Bill. Francis starts dancing the music on Bill’s little record player, and it’s cute but absolutely not sexy. Bill crankily turns the player off, and Lorena excuses him, because he’s “in one of his moods.” Probably guilty for killing all those people and wallerin’ around in their blood, but, nothing serious. Lorena starts to glamour Francis for him, but Bill stops her and tells her he meant what he said, “No more!” –oh, looks like Bill has given up his wild lifestyle! Lorena tries to seduce Bill with food, and while, usually it works, when it’s a person that’s the food, maybe there are hidden angles. Bill almost gives in, but tells Francis to leave before he bites her.

Lorena calls him a wet blanket, and she wonders why she bothers; Bill retorts the same, “Why do you?” and instead of answering, she suggests they move back to the south, which might pulled him out of being depressed. Bill tells her he isn’t depressed, he’s seeing clearly for the first time in years, and that he can’t stand the sight of her. Odd, –it’s only been nine years since he was butchering people cheerfully with her. Most serial killers take longer to experience a change of heart. Lorena is hurt, as much as a cold bitch like her can be, and tries to keep Bill from leaving, –he gives her the long speech about how he doesn’t want to kill innocent people anymore, and so on. But Lorena tries to tell him he’ll outgrow his conscience, and they’ll get through it, “together.” Bill grabs her and tells her he’ll never be what she wants him to be, and walks off. She grabs a lamp and throws it at him, but he catches it. Back to the future; Bill tells Lorena from the sofa that if Sookie is hurt, he’ll hunt her down and stake her. Lorena says in awe, “It’s true, you’re in love with a human,” –awww, someone’s feelings are hurt. Lorena tries to laugh it off, but we know she’s really just a big sissy.

On the hill above the Fellowship of the Sun church, Eric stands looking down with Isabelle, and states, “You’ve got to be joking me,” –he thinks their army is pathetic, but Isabelle tells him not to underestimate them, since they’re all nuts and gaining support, –and willing to die. Eric says that can be easily arranged, but Isabelle doesn’t wan to attack them until they know if Godric is there. Eric brings up Hugo and Sookie being inside too long, but Isabelle says there’s no sign of alarm, and she’d know if Hugo was in danger. Hmm, now why isn’t she feeling Hugo’s alarm bells going off? Taken hostage, trapped in a basement with a vampire? Sookie’s bells are ringing, and Bill has an excuse from gym class, –he’s fighting an angry ex this evening. But Hugo doesn’t have an excuse. Uh oh. Eric asks Isabelle why she finds human companionship fulfilling, and she tells him because humans feel more, maybe because their lives are temporary. Eric remarks that they don’t “keep well”, –ew, –and asks whether she finds the prospect of him growing old, and icky repulsive. Isabelle says no, she finds it curious, like a science project; oh, isn’t she sweet?

Isabelle asks Eric how Bill feels about his interest in Sookie, and Eric grumbles and says he isn’t interested in Sookie or how Bill feels, and that his only interest is finding Godric. Isabelle, all sly, just says, “of course,” but Eric tells her not to look at him like that, and changes the subject back to Godric’s inexplicable capture by the lunatics from the Fellowship of the Sun. Stan thinks it’s possible, Isabelle says, but she thinks it’s hard to believe that anything could overpower him. Eric agrees, not anything human. In the church’s balcony, Jason and Sarah are cuddled up, and Sarah is bawling again. When Jason asks why, she tells him because she’s happy, because now she knows she loves Jason, and he looks at her, finally, like she’s lost her mind. Uh, yeah, obviously. Sarah, overjoyed, gets up and tells Jason they have to go tell Steve! Just because she broke her marriage vows, doesn’t mean she’s ready to throw all her beliefs “out th’ winda!” Jason tries to stop her, seeing as how Steve has an armory in his house, and there’s the lock-in.

Sarah Newlin doesn’t get the big picture, but she does remember that she has to do the morning ceremony, and the lock-in thing as a “responsibility to God” before she can fulfill any responsibilities to her heart. She puts her panties back on and reassures him that even though she’ll be standing beside Steve, she’ll only be thinking of Jason. She runs off and leaves Jason with the “Oh, shit,” look on his face. At the hotel, Hoyt and Jessica are in bed, making out, and sex is in the air! Hoyt confides to Jessica that he’s never “done it… with a girl, I mean,” and Jessica, eyes wide, asks “What have you done it with?” Yeah, no shit, Hoyt. What the hell? He says, “myself,” and we all take a breath of relief. Jeez. Jessica says, “Oh so you’re a virgin,” and Hoyt nods like it causes physical pain to admit it. But Jessica admits that she’s one too, and she’s not a slut just because she’s a vampire. But, if she could have gotten away with it, she could have. Hoyt says he wanted to wait to have sex, until he found a nice girl, –but oops! Took him a while, didn’t it?

Jessica says she wants to be his first, –gasp! Hoyt gets all excited and Jessica puts down the shades, and drops her robe. Oh boy. Hoyt asks “Now?” but Jessica says nah, she just has to go to bed, since it’s almost dawn, but that they can cuddle. She tells him not to freak out if she looks dead. That shouldn’t be a problem, since it’s an all-the-time kind of thing. They snuggle up and Hoyt, remains in his pants. God, that must be uncomfortable. Back at Godric’s nest, Stan speculates that Sookie and Hugo have run off and maybe joined the Fellowship, but Isabelle tells him to watch his mouth, –Stan says if she cared about him, they’d have been in there hours ago. Eric, in front of them, gets shit from Stan too, but Eric isn’t taking it. He pins Stan and asks if he’s questioning Eric’s loyalty, but goes on to accuse him of murdering Godric. Isabelle stops them from fighting, reminding Eric there’s no proof. Eric turns, and tells them he doesn’t care what they, if Godric’s gone then nothing can replace his loss. A blood tear falls as he leaves. Poor Eric.

At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are sleeping off their wild night of screwing, boozing, pseudo-possession, and nearly killing a man, on the couch. Tara wakes up, and wakes Eggs, asking what the hell they’re doing on the couch. Tara, unsettled, says she doesn’t remember anything after following a trail of clothes into the woods, and Eggs doesn’t either. Eggs thinks it might be the pot, but Tara doesn’t, –even though according to Eggs, Maryann’s weed is “some serious shit.” She probably laces it with cyanide, cowboy. Tara reminds Eggs of the weird place they went yesterday in the woods, that Eggs had been to, but couldn’t remember, –Eggs cuts her off, and tells her it had nothing to do with getting high and passing out. Tara tells him she thinks they need to sober up and lay off the weed, –yeah, because you know, once it’s interfered with work, and made your life hell, making you black out is obviously over the limit. Eggs tries to comfort Tara by telling her she isn’t her mama just because she got too stoned. No, but it does make you an irresponsible imbecile who makes excuses for her actions. A-dur.

Tara tells him that sometimes it’s like he can read her mind, but Eggs tells her he just gets her. They kiss and get all cute together. Aww, egghead and the delinquent bitchy woman. So sweet. Sam Merlotte crashes into the bar, pulling a shirt over his head, and heading back to his office, looking around in paranoia to make sure no one’s fixing to jump out and get him. Shit, I would too; the whole town has lost its damn mind. He reaches up into the fireplace, and takes out a cloth wrapped pistol, ready for anything if more shit should be poured onto the fan. Steve Newlin heads down to the basement, calling, “Mornin!” and offers Sookie and Hugo ‘refreshments’, and inquires how they slept. Sookie lets them know that they’re knee deep in shit, and that vampires are coming for them, but Steve, and the lunatic Gabe, stand there and confidently assert they’re ready for vampires, and are “surprised” none have shown up yet. Sookie warns them again that they’re about to get themselves good and dead, but Steve is sure of his cause, and there’s nothing more stubborn than a self-righteous Christian.

Sookie tells him that Jesus would be ashamed of him, but Steve laughs it off, and sits in front of Sookie and Hugo’s cage, attempting to apologize for acting nasty, claiming he isn’t the monster that the vampire loving media makes him out to be. Steve tells them that he just wants to get a couple answers, and then they’ll send them on their way. Hugo blurts out that he’s gotta get out of there, and that his name is Hugo Airs or something like that, that her name is Sookie Stackhouse, and they were sent there by the vampires of Area 9 to find their sheriff. However, Steve heard plenty when he heard the name “Sookie Stackhouse” since her brother is right upstairs. Steve makes the connection, and heads off upstairs with Gabe, while Sookie swears her brother doesn’t have anything to do with this, and asks how they know him. They ignore her, and she turns her wrath on Hugo. He starts whining about them needing to get out, and so on, but Sookie tells him flat out to shut the fuck up. Hugo starts tearing things up, and Sookie sits and sends Barry a message, asking him to find Bill Compton, and tell him where she is, and that it’s a life or death situation.

At the hotel, Bill is still awake, refusing to give in to sleep, despite Lorena torturing him. It’s become a standoff; if Lorena sleeps, Bill will take off, and she can’t “allow that”, –her nose starts to bleed, and Bill’s ear is bleeding. He tells her he isn’t suicidal, but Lorena tells him she knows what he’s capable of. Despite Bill telling her it’s foolish to do this, because they’re weakening and “the bleeds have begun”, Lorena stays awake. Bill spies the phone, but Lorena snatches it; apparently, he hadn’t thought of that before. God, duh. He pleads with Lorena, to at least be allowed to call for help, to call Eric since he’s the reason Sookie is in danger; Lorena tells him Eric is also the reason she’s there, and the phone disintegrates in her grip. Lorena tells him Eric wants Sookie, to just let him have her. Bill works himself up for a spaz attack, and we’re back to the Fellowship, where Jason is trying to leave, carrying out all his shit, when Steve Newlin rolls up behind him. Steve cuts him off in his SUV and Gabe jumps out, puts a knife to his throat, and makes him get in the car; they speed away, with Jason captive.

At the sheriff’s office, a dirty, smelly-looking Andy is trying to tell Sheriff Bud Dearborn what happened; his broken arm is in a cast, but that doesn’t stop him from waving it around as he tries to explain. Bud sighs, and looks at him like he’s insane. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs are still sitting their lazy asses on the couch, watch TV, instead of cleaning up the unholy mess in Sookie’s house, or even asking Maryann and her little servant man what the hell went on last night. Maryann wanders in the house with bloody feet, still wearing last night’s dress, and dragging a dead rabbit with her. She’s cheerful enough, and says ‘Good morning,’, despite looking like she’s been killing things with her teeth, which she mostly likely has been. Tara and Eggs stare at her, and ask if she’s okay, but Maryann tells them she’s been sleeping outside, and communing with her animal spirit, then shows them her dead rabbit, “Yummy!” Tara looks like she’s about to gag, and Egg is close behind her, with a “no shit…!” Tara says “Poor bunny,” but Maryann reminds her in a maniacal tone that, feeling sorry is just an excuse not to celebrate your own happiness.

Maryann drapes herself over a chair, the bloody dead rabbit still dangling, and asks them what they did last night, since they’re all “glowy.” Tara doesn’t know, but says they “just hung out”, and asks Maryann if she threw a party, and reminds her that it’s Sookie’s house, –Maryann tells her that Sookie will be happy when she gets home, since Tara took such good care of the place. Maryann wanders off, calling for Carl, while Tara stares at her, and states, “She’s so fuckin weird.” I’m sorry, but trashing my roommate’s house, and bringing home dead shit in the morning is grounds for eviction. Then again, Tara is obviously not firing on all cylinders. In the woods somewhere around the Fellowship, Gabe has Jason with a knife to his throat, while Steve stands there looking like he’s about to cry, hollering at Jason for betraying him. Jason, has no idea that Steve is talking about his sister, and thinks this is all over him screwing Sarah. Jason says he’s “so sorry”, but Steve says he can’t believe he chose “them” over Salvation.

Jason gets confused, and asks who “them” is, but Steve tells him to just drop the act, that he knows who Jason is, and who he works for. Jason, stupefied, asks, “the road crew?” Steve tells Jason he thought he was stupid, but good at following orders, –poor Jason, that wasn’t nice, –and now he finds out that Jason is “snakier than a snake in the grass.” Steve tells him, despite Jason’s ignorance, to say a prayer, that he’s going to hell, today. Steve takes off in the SUV after telling Gab to “take care of him.” Gabe pushes Jason ahead of him, and follows, telling him to “start walking.” Oooh, Jason’s in trouble, but I dunno, –Gabe is old, and Jason’s pretty tough. At the lake, Daphne sits, playing in the water, when Sam walks up behind her, and points his gun at her head, with the hammer back. Daphne recognizes his smell, and says, “Hello, Sam.” Creepy bitch. Sam tells her he’s been looking for her, but Daphne isn’t surprised. She tells him she isn’t afraid to die, but Sam knows she’s afraid of Maryann.

Sam asks Daphne if Maryann putting those scars on her back was how she got Daphne to be her whore. Daphne states it isn’t whoring if it’s done for love, Sam mistakes her for talking about him, claiming she and Sam “had fun,” and Sam hollers at her. Sam tells her he trusted her, and asks her how she could do this to her own kind. Daphne says she used to be just like Sam, “scared, stupid, full of shame,” but Maryann saved her and gave her a whole new life. Yeah, and Sam is the stupid one. Daphne tells him that next to Maryann, he’s a flea, and Sam asks why if he so insignificant, is Maryann going through the trouble of trying to catch him. Daphne tells him, because he got away from her once already. Daphne explains that Maryann can only get inside humans, not “supes”, –supernatural creatures, –and that eve though she can force them to shift, she can’t get inside them, so they have to go to Maryann of their own free will. Daphne tells Sam that Maryann loves a challenge, but Sam tells her he’s not a challenge, he’s a person. Daphne strips, and jumps in the water, inviting Sam, but he asks her angrily, what Maryann is; Daphne says, “She’s god, dum-dum!” Hmm, an interesting hypothesis, although the theory is a little bit of a stretch, since she calls Maryann “God”, not ‘a god.’ Generally, the Christian god isn’t represented with horns and claws.

In the basement, Hugo is hollering to be let out, because he needs to pee, but when Sookie offers him a water bottle, he smacks it away. She tries taking his hand to calm him down, and when she does, she sees inside his head; scenes of Hugo “repenting” with Steve Newlin in the church, eavesdropping on Bill, Sookie, and Eric planning her infiltration of the church, and then his phone call to the church to let them know about the plan. Hugo shakes Sookie off, and she says, “you’re the traitor!” Oooh, uhm, -duh-. Back at the lake, Sam tells Daphne carefully, looking like he’s trying to repress the urge to jump in and choke her to death, that Maryann isn’t God. Daphne says cheerfully, that Maryann is as close to God as they’ll ever get, that she’s been called all kinds of things, but that she’s really a maenad. This is where the whole mythology thing takes a left turn down the path of incorrect: Daphne tells him that maenads were followers of Dionysus, the god of wine, also called “the horned god.” Ah… not really. Sam makes the connection with Satan, –also not correct, but then again, not everyone is a big Greek mythology buff.

Daphne says Satan and Dionysus are all a kind of energy, –not really correct either. She then goes on to explain that it’s lust, excess, violence, anger, “all the fun stuff,” and that Maryann controls it and brings it out in people, and that Maryann is also immortal so there’s no point in fighting her. Sam asks if he gives himself up, will Maryann go away? But Daphne says probably not, since she’s having so much fun. She tries to cozy up to him, but Sam pushes Daphne away, and walks off. In the basement, Hugo is telling Sookie about why he’s a chickenshit pussy, and how he came to betray everyone; he tells her that he used to be just like Sookie, supposedly. Then told her that she wouldn’t know, that he started missing work, being unable to leave them at dark. He tells her that he begged Isabelle to turn him,  so they could be together as equals, but he says, they don’t want their human lovers to be equal. He says Isabelle was just using him, just like Bill is using Sookie, and goes on to say what a big trophy a telepath must be for a vampire; that vampires don’t care about anything but their own kind, and that’s why he joined the Fellowship. He goes a bit too far with that one, and Sookie tells him to shut up, and asks why, if the Fellowship cares so much, is he still locked in the basement.

Sookie gets sassy then, and tells him flat out, that to the Fellowship, he is nothing but “a fang-bangin’ traitor,” and when he starts hollering for Gabe, Sookie smirks, and points out just how important Hugo is to them. At the door to the Fellowship, all the crazy vampire haters are getting together for the lock-in, and Sarah is greeting them at the door. Steve approaches and tells her he needs to talk to her in private, about Jason Stackhouse. Oh shit! Sarah Newlin falters just a little bit, and follows him inside. Gabe is driving Jason through the woods at knife-point, and Jason is trying to tell him there’s been a mistake… and this is where Gabe screws up. He moves the knife to snatch Jason up by the hair, and then talks shit about Jason’s mama, and his sister. Ooooh. Jason’s eyes get all big, and he spins around, and knocks Gabe down, telling him not to EVER talk about his sister. Gabe spits out some blood, and ding ding! round one goes to Jason Stackhouse, and to instigate round two, Gabe calls Jason a “sister-fucker.” Jason screams, and rushes Gabe, the bigger guy, and picks him up at the legs, slams him down on the ground, and the fight is on! Jason wins, of course, calls Gabe a “dickbrain”, kicks him in the nuts, and heads off to find out what the hell is going on.

Lafayette is making good on his promise to sell the blood that Pam gave him; while he does his make-up, he manages to sell half a vial. At Merlotte’s, Arlene rushes into work, while Tara and Eggs play kissy-face over the bar. Arlene asks where Sam is, but Tara tells Arlene he took the day off with “Little Miss Employee of the Month”, –ooh, friction. Arlene is overjoyed, and whisks Tara off to the ladies’ room to talk to her. Lafayette is in there, still doing his makeup, and Arlene asks why he’s in there, if it says Ladies on the door, –Lafayette, with his sassy ass, asks why them “skank hos” are in there. Arlene gapes, and Tara calls him a bitch. As Lafayette leaves, Tara asks how his leg is, and when he says “great”, Tara narrows her eyes, and promises him they’ll talk about that later. Lafayette leaves, and Tara closes the door. Arlene, freaking out, tells Tara she’s afraid she did “somethin reeeeal bad.” She explains that she and Terry are dating, but that she couldn’t get him to do anything with her, despite all her seductive methods, and Tara tells her to get to the point. Arlene tells Tara that last night, she tried getting a few drinks into Terry to loosen him up, and that everything was going good, until she blacked out.

Arlene says she thinks she might have ‘had her way’ with Terry, and Tara gapes, asking if she thinks she date raped Terry Bellefleur. Arlene admits that there were “telltale signs” that they did something, –gross, but that she can’t remember a thing. At the bar, Lafayette pours himself a drink, looks Eggs up and down, and says, “Damn,” and reflects on how unfair it is that now that he’s trying to stay out of trouble, it keeps walking in his door. Eggs tries to introduce himself, and shake hands, but Lafayette just stares at him, and remarks that nothing good can come out of something that pretty. Lafayette asks, “Tara’s Eggs?” as Tara approaches, remarking that it really doesn’t sound right, since his name is Benedict, why not have people call him Ben. Lafayette suggests “Dicked,” and Tara snaps, “behave.” Lafayette says, “Satan in a Sunday hat,” which, as you’ll recall, is a family saying when something is too good to be true; Lafayette continues, “Satan in a beautiful ma’fuckin’ Sunday hat.”

Before they can get into it, Andy, lookin’ all kinds of fucked up, slams into the bar hollering for Terry, and threatening to kick his ass. Tara asks him what happened to his arm, and Terry starts a little, and tells her he won’t talk to her, that she is a devil worshipper, and that he saw her last night, her and everyone else. He continues hollering for Terry, but Arlene tells him that Terry ain’t there; when she offers to call him, Andy hollers “Fuck you, zombie woman!” Good god, poor Andy. Sam approaches, just as freaked out as Andy, and this time, for once, is sympathizing with the fat drunk guy. Eggs calls ‘hey’ to Sam, and Arlene tells him he looks like he saw a ghost, while Tara looks at him concerned. Poor Sam is inches away from boozing it up with Andy. At the hotel Carmilla, Hoyt decorates the room with rose petals, candles and soft music plays as Jessica slowly starts to wake up to find a rose on the pillow beside her. Aww, what a sweety. He shows her the candles he got at the gift store downstairs, that are supposed to be “blood scented”, but he says they smell like soup. Huh, that sounds both interesting and gross.

Hoyt asks Jessica if she likes them, and Jessica tells him the room is perfect; he sighs in relief and admits that’s what he was going for, since she’s perfect, and he wants her first time to be perfect, and –God almighty, finally, Jessica interrupts him before he can start jabbering like a nut, and tells him to just take off his pants. He grins, sheds his pants, and hops on the bed with Jessica. In the woods somewhere near the Light of Day Institute, Jason Stackhouse is running down the dirt road at night with Gabe’s knife, when a car approaches behind him; it’s Sarah, driving like a bat out of hell in the go-cart/golf cart thingy. She gets out of the car, and Jason tries to explain Steve and Gabe have lost it, when she shoots him! OMG! Noooo! Not Jason. I was just about to fall out of my chair. That damn Barbie bimbo bitch shot him! Daphne meanwhile, is standing on the dock at the lake where she and swam had their first swim, when Maryann approaches behind her. Daphne tells Maryann she missed her, and Maryann says, “Thank you for your service.” Hmm, not exactly words of love, but –oh shit! A zombified Eggs steps up, and stabs Daphne right in the chest. Maryann grins while Daphne dies.

In the basement, Gabe comes down the stairs to the cage, looking pretty mean, and beat up. Hugo begs to be let out, but Gabe, as predicted, punches him in the face, and calls him nasty names, while he continues beating him up. Even though Hugo betrayed her, Sookie jumps on Gabe’s back, and hollers for him to stop. Gabe slams her into the shelf, and begins choking her, when he threatens to ’show her what she’s been missing’, Sookie screams, and Bill’s eyes widen where he is, sitting without sleep, with Lorena, still at the hotel. Bill starts looking around; he grabs a wooden table, and throws it at the evil bitch, before, but Lorena grabs a piece of the table or chair or whatever, and is at the door at the same moment, with the wooden leg aimed at his back. She threatens to end him if he opens the door, and they flash back to their last fight, when Bill left her in LA, in 1935. Bill begs her to let him leaves, because he doesn’t love her, the guilt over killing for her, is too much to bear, and when he tells her she’s the one afraid of being alone, she throws him down, smashing a wooden table. Bill picks up a piece, and threatens to kill himself if she doesn’t let him leave.

Lorena begins to cry, and tells Bill she can’t live without him; before Bill can kill himself, she stops him, and says, “As your maker, I release you,” while blood tears run down her face. Aww, poor baby. Sad, despite her being a psychotic murderess. At the door where Lorena has Bill pinned, back in the present, he asks what she has to gain, since she’s already released him. Lorena tells him he has no future with Sookie, and that one day, he’ll see Lorena keeping him from her as an act of love. A knock at the door, but Lorena covers Bill’s mouth. Lorena answers and it’s Barry the Bellboy! He tells Lorena that Sookie is being held in the basement with Godric at the Fellowship of the Sun; and while Bill is still pinned by Lorena, Eric overhears from the room across the hall, and is out of his door and gone before Barry even sees anything. Lorena snatches him inside, just as Barry is telling Sookie telepathically that this is the last time he does her and her vampire friends any favors. In the basement of the Fellowship, Gabe is trying to rape Sookie as she struggles to get away, screaming and kicking. Suddenly, Gabe is up in the air;Godric holds him up, dangling him off the floor as though he weighs as much as a towel. He looks a lot different in fluorescent lighting, –but still pretty. That’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

Vampire Academy Collection

From Calabar to Carter's Grove: The History of a Virginia Slave Community (Colonial Williamsburg Studies in Chesapeake History and Culture Series)

National Geographic Traveler: Romania

Glass Houses (Morganville Vampires, Book 1)

The Rough Guide to Romania 5 (Rough Guide Travel Guides)

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1. True Blood, Season 2, Episode 6
2. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 8
3. True Blood, Season 2 Episode 9

At the Hotel Carmilla, Eric is snacking on a classy looking dirty blonde, and loses his appetite when she calls him “baby”. She offers to pretend she doesn’t like it, and though Eric seems to have a few reservations about her acting skills, he resumes his dinner. When Lorena, Bill’s maker shows up however, he shoos the girl along, promising to tell her boss she was ‘magnificent’, though seeing her pretend not to want it was minimally worse than her original performance. He tells her he was beginning to think she wouldn’t come, but Lorena sees through and tells him that for a vampire, he’s a terrible liar. Nah, Eric’s actually quite an excellent liar. He was just teasing. Women have no sense of humor. Cue the intro music! After Jace Everett’s purty song, we’re treated with a nice warm, mushy scene full of naked Sookie and Bill making out in bed. Before they can play naked leapfrog, there’s a knock at the door. Bill is up, already in a robe, in a flash; he opens the door after the knocker claims to be Isabelle.

It’s not Lorena, thank god, –that would have gotten ugly. Isabelle stands with a man, and Bill asks who he is. Isabelle says his name is Hugo, and declares him to be “hers”. Bill looks at it him a little suspiciously, before letting them in and microwaving some Tru-Blood. For some reason, the Tru-Blood in this scene look a little more Asian than usual. Maybe it’s because the label is violet, instead of the usual black and red? While Bill sets up a nice little vampire tea party, Isabelle explains that she understands Bill being worried to send Sookie alone, so she is offering her human lover, Hugo, to help Sookie on her mission. Bill asks why she’s being all nice and helpful, and she admits that it would be a real bitchy move to let them do all the work when they’re not even from Area 9, –or even Texas, for god’s sake. Bill asks the same question of Hugo, and he tells Bill because he’d do anything for Isabelle. Awww; Sookie looks into his mind and hears him repeating how much he loves Isabelle, “forever, and forever and forever” –not a real creative thinker, but a big sweetheart, sure.

Isabelle also explains that the people of the Fellowship of the Sun will probably be less suspicious of a single woman, than a couple. Sookie admits to Bill that it’s true, and he accepts the logic without getting all over-protective. Lorena and Eric sit below in the lounge, and Eric tells her he’d considered putting her in the room adjoining Bill and Sookie’s room, but he figured that would be “over-the-top.” Yes, as well as scandalous, deceitful, dangerous, and a variety of other vicious things. Eric admits to Lorena that he’s after Sookie and wants Bill out of the way, and he’s appealing to Lorena to keep Bill busy. Lorena asks what Sookie is, and Eric admits he doesn’t know, though she isn’t human,  and whatever she is, Bill loves her. Lorena asks Eric what makes him think she’s interested; Eric points out that she didn’t come all the way to Dallas just to see him, and she tries to argue that she hasn’t seen Bill for seventy years, that she has no pull over him. Eric ends the argument by stating that he’s not seen his maker in much longer than that, and remains fiercely loyal.

Lorena tries to get cute with Eric, asserting that maybe she should have turned him, and glancing at the man on the piano, admits Eric isn’t really her type. Flashback time! Bill is in a tux at the piano singing Hard-Hearted Hannah, which is hilariously ironic, –if you recognize the words, Hannah is the “vamp of Savannah, GA”. It’s Chicago, in 1926, and just thank your lucky stars that Richard Gere doesn’t dance past in his underwear. Bill and Lorena are entertaining company, –Lorena sets her eyes on a fat guy and a dingy blond with eyebrows that could make a train take a dirt road. When Lorena opens her mouth, she spills forth with an “Enjoying ze enter-tain-ment?” in a French accent that makes you cringe, deep in your soul. The blonde with drawn-on eyebrows says Bill is just wonderful, and Lorena agrees. Lorena notices the dingy blond’s necklace and says it’s “extraordinary.” The couple chit-chat with Lorena about where she’s from. Apparently the accent wasn’t a dead give away, so Lorena explains that they are from “Yor-rip”, “Frons”.

The Fronch Lorena from Yor-rip laments that Americans are so purr-he-tan-he-cle, but the fat guy raises his glass and says “Fuck prohibition!” The blond exclaims, and calls him crass, but Lorena agrees and they talk about staying over for more fucking of prohibition. Or probably prohibited fucking; wonder what kind of laws they had against group sex and such back then? Bill comes over to chat, and his French accent, –despite his singing in a southern accent, a-hur, –is much more believable. I’m sure the eating of people, that takes place later, was frowned upon, though it looks like they’re having a great time. While Lorena reminisces about Bill being a sweet and murderous psychotic, Sam and Daphne are laying butt naked on a pool table, and I’m still thinking, ew, ew, ew, unsanitary! Sam finally asks about the massive scar, and Daphne explains that something attacked her, but she didn’t know what, that is slashed her, and then she was real sick for weeks.

Doctors didn’t know what it was, but she survived, and was told she was lucky to be alive, and she counts her blessings every single day. Ahem, –don’t get too infatuated with Daphne, –she’s not exactly an “Amy” type, but she’s also not one of the good guys. And that’s all I’ll say. Poor Sam, he’s so unlucky in love; he tells Daphne she’s the most amazing person ever. They get into a sappy little talk about how Sam should open up more to the people he loves about being a shifter, since it’s nothing to be ashamed of. He tells her it’s not worth the risk of telling people, with all the other dangerous stuff out there, and Daphne tells him, “not taking a risk is riskier.” Ah, the powers of the blond vocabulary continue to stun and dismay. She butters him up some more, and they flop back on the pool table for more sex. Gee, that must be comfortable.

At Sookie’s, everybody is kissing Maryann’s ass because the water heater is busted; Eggs is doing the “man thing”, i.e., standing around with a monkey wrench and a greasy rag, pretending to know what he’s doing. Tara is on the phone with a parts store two hours away, and Carl is rubbing Maryann’s feet. Tara offers to take a look, but Eggs claims she’s being spiteful, and asserts himself as the “man of the house”, –then apologizes to Carl. He isn’t offended; Carl knows he’s the bitch. Tara gets confirmation that the store two hours from Bon Temps has the part, and she even manages to wheedle Eggs away from Maryann to navigate for her. Haha, poor Maryann, apparently, she doesn’t like to be dirty so much after all. At the Fellowship’s Light of Day Institute, Jason and Luke are headed over to the church yard, for an urgent assignment. Jason is worried about getting his ass kicked for getting a handjob from Sarah Newlin, Reverend Steve Newlin’s wife. Steve giggles and holds up a power drill, –”buzz buzz” –which does nothing to reassure Jason. Although the rest of us know Steve Newlin is ignorant and his wife’s an imbecile, Jason thinks they can see right through him.

Steve shows Jason the schematics for the project he wants, and Jason, who understands what he wants, –a basic platform with a cross on it, –still makes sure he isn’t being punished for something. Mrs. Newlin nervously tells him to be thankful for the job they’ve been given, and reminds him Jesus was a carpenter. Steve is all excited, and decides to tell Jason and Luke what the platform and cross is for,  despite Sarah’s protests, and that they’re going to be frying a vampire, in a ceremony called “meeting the sun.” Jason doesn’t know what it means to “meet the sun” so Luke explains it. Jason exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” while everyone else giggles and laughs, except for Sarah who doesn’t really agree but doesn’t have the spine to back out. Jason clearly isn’t into it, but he joins Luke to build the vampire frying station, and it’s good to see that he and Luke aren’t really at each other’s throats anymore.

Hugo and Sookie are in the lounge, and he hands her an engagement ring to make things look more genuine; he really is kind of a looker, very sexy in that professional, clever, witty and good at talking kind of way. I prefer a good talker to a good listener any day. They make sure they have their shit together for going into the Fellowship’s headquarters, and segue into talking about what it’s like for him to date a vampire. She asks if he and Isabelle ever fight, and he admits that they do all the time, but that it’s better because there’s more passion there than with other women he’d been with. He confides that lately they’ve been fighting about Isabelle eventually turning him, and his worry about getting old, while their vampire mates stay young. He asks Sookie if they’ll still want to be with their human lovers when they’re old and decrepit. Sookie admits she’d never thought of that before, and now worried herself, they decide to go. Hugo apologizes, but Sookie retorts that now, if she dies on the mission, she won’t have to worry about getting old and being unloved.

Tara and Eggs are headed down what appears to be Memory Lane, –or at least, Deja Vu Lane, for Eggs; not long after he’s given Tara directions, he looks at the road and tells her they’ll be a diner in an old barn coming up around the bend. He starts getting upset, because he knows he’s been there before, but doesn’t know how he knows. They pull over into the parking lot, and Tara follows Eggs into the woods along a dirt road. At Merlotte’s, Terry is busing a table when Arlene walks up and asks if he wants to get together later with her, and when he agrees, she tells him she has a surprise planned for him. Terry nervously admits he hates surprises; poor guy, you can see how he might. Arlene tells him she’s a “very mysterious woman” and walks off, leaving Terry all anxious. Daphne meanwhile, approaches Maxine and her friend’s table, asking if she can get them anything else, –Maxine suggests the tea she ordered five minutes ago, and Worcestershire. Daphne scoots off to try not to be such a crappy waitress, while Maxine and her friend giggle about how all the good waitresses end up being knifed. Charming, ladies.

Andy heads back to the kitchen to harass Lafayette, pestering him about where he’s been and why he’s lost all his “pizzaz.” When Andy starts yelling, Lafayette collapses, and hides his face in the corner. Andy’ head turns into Eric, screaming in Lafayette’s face. Lafayette covers his eyes, and Terry, who walked in when Andy started yelling, recognizes the symptoms of PTSD, that he has to deal with every day. The scene is one of those on the “almost makes me cry list.” Terry tells Andy to leave Lafayette alone, and when Andy ignores him, he pushes Andy away, and tells him that he’s not the cop he set out to be, and that everyone already knows he isn’t a cop anymore. Terry tells Andy to leave, and Andy apologizes to Lafayette, and goes. Terry approaches Lafayette, and this part did make me cry when I first saw it, –without any hint of reservation, Terry pulls Lafayette over, cradles him and talks him down from his panic attack. In the restaurant area, Hoyt Fortenberry strolls in, mad as a hornet and demands that his mother explain why his phone is saying “activation required” even though he paid the bill last week. Maxine Fortenberry tries to introduce her friend, but Hoyt isn’t interested, and his mother tells him she had it turned off.

Hoyt tells her that Jessica won’t be able to call him, and Maxine says “Good,” because she doesn’t believe it’s right or a girl to be calling so late. Hoyt slams the phone down on the table and tells her to turn it back on, or he’ll move out. He starts to leave, then turns back and tells Maxine the reason Jessica calls late is because she’s a vampire. Maxine gasps, and her friend pats her hand. In the back, Sam tells Daphne, who is just now getting her lazy ass around to making Maxine’s tea, that he can’t work because every time he looks at the pool table, –you know, the one with interesting new stains, that the rednecks are standing around, –that he thinks of her on it. He asks her if she wants to sneak off and shift, and go “do it out under the sun.” Aww, young love, so raunchy and cute. Daphne tells him she can’t because if she left, her boss would kill her, but Sam tells her that if she doesn’t go out back right now, and take off all her clothes, then he’ll fire her. Oh oh oh, lawsuit! Hmm, sex with a hot guy, or over $100,000 in “emotional damages.” Tough choice, but Daphne was never bright anyway; she heads out back to get nekkid, and Sam follows.

Outside, Luke and Sam are building the platform; Luke is singing about vampires to the tune of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, and can’t think of any more words, when Jason smashes his thumb with a hammer. When he calls himself stupid, Luke says nah, just preoccupied. He tells him to spill it, and reminds him that he’s wearing his “honesty ring.” Jason starts off by asking about when Luke said that all Sarah wanted was his Johnson, but Luke cuts him off and tells him he was just being jealous, and Sarah is the holiest person he knows. Jason asks Luke about him being abstinent, and Luke tells him that sex outside marriage is a sin, and adultery is “right up there with incest and bestiality.” Jason looks shocked, and Luke continues that none of that compares to ‘doing it to a vampire –or a dude.’ Jason fails to recognize the implications about Bill and his sister, while Luke goes on about the ‘creme de la creme of sin’, –screwing a vampire dude. Jason half-heartedly tries the word “abstinent” behind his name, and doesn’t like it. He comes up with the rest of a line for Luke’s song, “the big ol’ scary vampire went to the sun to fry” and Luke declares it awesome.

The silver car coming up the hill, funny enough as it is, was Jason’s Sister, Sookie Stackhouse and her pretend-fiance Hugo, coming to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah Newlin stands outside, pointing them toward a parking space. Sookie recognizes Sarah Newlin, because she’s on TV all the time, and says she looks like vanilla pudding in person. Yeah, with about as much common sense. Hugo and Sookie agreed that Hugo should do all the talking, so that she can better listen to their thoughts, but Sookie starts chattering right away, nervously, but not exactly giving away her nervousness, –just being generally chatty. She introduces herself as Holly Simpson, and Hugo as Rufus Dobson, her fiance. Hugo asks what her deal is, when Sarah gets a bit ahead, leading them off to meet Steve Newlin, Sookie explains she talks too much when she’s nervous. No shit, how can you tell? Sookie tells Steve, once inside, that her and ‘Rufus’ met in church, but left because it became clear that the pastor was a –Steve guesses homosexual, –but Sookie tells him he was a vampire sympathizer.

Sarah sighs in disapproval, and Steve goes on about how much that ticks him off. Sookie tells them that her and Rufus want to make the Fellowship of the Sun their new home. Aww. While Sarah chatters on, Sookie listens to Steve’s thoughts, and he’s thinking about frying the vampire they have in the basement. Sookie, or, Holly Simpson, tells the Newlins she knows that vampires are vicious bloodthirsty killers, –while the vicious, bloodthirsty Lorena remembers killing the blonde and the fat guy with Bill. Bill is all angry and sticky with 20’s era blond idiot blood, and Lorena looks delighted as she snaps the fat guy’s neck. What I like about TrueBlood is they never forget that when you’re really biting a person, bits of skin and goo might get stuck to your teeth. Bill slurps on blondie for a bit, then scoots her over so him and Lorena can screw on the bed. He remembers how much Lorena liked blondie’s pretty necklace, and puts it on her. Fast forward, back to the Hotel Carmilla; Lorena is still wearing the necklace. Ew, I hope she’s washed it.

Tara and Eggs are still roaming the woods, Eggs is sure he’s been there before, but Tara is just worried that’s he’s losing it. When they arrive at a clearing, surrounded by burnt out torches, they both look around. Eggs gets more upset, but Tara tries to comfort him, saying that maybe he was taken there as a kid at some point. There are bloody clothes, rocks with weird symbols drawn on them, and another rock covered in blood. Eggs tells Tara something bad happened there, and he’s worried he was a part of it. Poor Eggs starts to cry, and Tara helps him get back to their car. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Steve and Sarah are taking “Holly and Rufus” on a tour of their lunatic asylum, when they get to the main chapel, –which in all fairness, is beautiful. Sookie tells the Newlins that she would love to get married there, when Steve asks if they’ve ever been to a “lock-in”, –a church slumber party type thing. Sookie listens to Steve and Sarah’s thoughts.

Steve is thinking Sookie is a dirty fangbanger, and wondering if she can hear his thoughts, while his wife is worried about Sookie, thinking vampires talked her into this. Steve explains what a lock-in is, and when it is, while Sookie tries to convince ‘Rufus’ that they need to get the hell out of there. Gabe approaches and Steve introduces him, who he says will join them for the rest of the tour. –Gabe is thinking Sookie has the perfect amount of “titty showing.” Gee, great people, these Christian folk.  Andy Bellefleur is drinking and driving his classic Mercedes, when a gigantic pig and a collie dog run out in the road ahead of him, then take off. Andy recognizes the pig, pulls over, and starts hollering, “Pig!” and half-heartedly gives chase, but ends up tripping, and falling face first on the ground. Aww, poor Andy. Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood, Sam and Daphne are getting dressed, and giggling about how cool it was to almost get hit by a drunk driver, when Sam wonders aloud why Daphne became a pig, not a doe.

Daphne tells him a pig is just her stand-by when she shifts, which is so attractive and feminine. Sam mentions that it was weird that Andy seemed to recognize her, when he started hollering, “Pig, pig!” Daphne pointedly asks him what else you’d call a pig you didn’t know, and when Sam tries to bring it up again, she shuts him up by giving him a blow job. Oh those wicked feminine wiles. At Merlotte’s, Lafayette is stocking produce in the cooler when Pam pops up behind him, and asks “Remember me?” Lafayette spooks, and practically tries to hide on the shelf with the vegetables. Pam makes small talk, and Lafayette asks if she’s real, –Pam ignores his questions and looks around, concluding that the cooler is “nice” and she could sleep there in a pinch. Lafayette asks why she’s there, and she tells him that he owes them, and that Eric has sent her a request that he re-open his business. She shows him a large pharmaceutical brown bottle of blood, but Lafayette tells Pam he’s out of “that shit”. When Pam leans over to put the bottle beside him on the shelf, Lafayette practically climbs up it; she tells him he’s back in “this shit.”

Lafayette reminds her that they tortured him for almost three weeks because they caught him selling V, and wonders why vampires are selling V. Pam says, “We’re not. You are. Get to work,” before she leaves him there, wondering what the hell just happened. At the Fellowship, Steve is inviting Sookie and Hugo down to the basement to see his father’s tomb, –ew, pass. When Sookie tries to tell them she’s not interested, Hugo explains that they both suffer from claustrophobia. Sarah objects halfheartedly, while Gabe blocks the exit behind Hugo and Sookie. The open door in front of them is the only option, and Sookie tries to talk her way out of being trapped, but eventually, pretenses are dropped, and Gabe rushes them. Steve drags a screaming and struggling Sookie down the stairs, and calls her a “fucking cunt” much to Sarah’s dismay. At the hotel, Bill snaps awake, to find Lorena there restraining him. She reminds him that she made him, and he cannot overpower heer, –but that doesn’t stop him from trying.

All Sarah can say is “I’m sorry,” when Sookie is dragged away by Steve and Gabe. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs come home to find the house totally trashed, and manage to pick up a joint on their way outside, following a long trail of trash and clothes into the woods. They smoke some pot along the way, because you know, why not? It’s not like they could be calling the cops, cleaning up, or kicking Maryann and her little servant out of the house for being useless white trash. They hear screaming, and run to a clearing, where around a fire, to the sounds of some hippie drum music, a fair number of townspeople are having huge porno orgy sex, while Maryann does her vibrator dance. Maryann grins at them, before resuming her vibrator dance. Tara and Eggs looked pretty shocked, but apparently don’t end up running away. At the hotel, Jessica snaps wide awake, and checks her cell phone with vampire speed. Disappointed with no new messages, she heads to the minibar and reads the menu. TruBlood is $45, but Jesus Christ, following at a close second, is a chocolate bar for $15. Jessica, in an obviously sassy mood, begins pouring TruBlood down the drain, when someone knocks on the door.

It’s Hoyt! Jessica runs to the door, while Hoyt tries to apologize, and worry aloud about how she is probably angry with him, –while Jessica tries to figure out how to actually open the door. He came all that way and brought her flowers! Aww, Jessica says she can’t believe it, –and we can’t either. Hoyt is such a big sweety. Hoyt is genuinely surprised she isn’t mad, and Jessica wants to cry but can’t because “it’s really gross” when she does. Nah, it looks pretty neat actually; it’ll probably renew an emo photography trend. Hoyt gives her the flowers, apologizing again because they’re half wilted from being in a hot car for a few hours, but Jessica says they’re beautiful anyway. They get to kissing and Jessica slams the door behind them. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Jason enters the main chapel, looking for Steve to let him know the platform thing is done. He finds Sarah, sniffling and crying up on the balcony, and, rather than be an ass, goes up to see if he can’t make her feel better.

Jason hesitantly asks why she’s crying, –though you can tell his drama-meter with the Newlins is getting pretty close to breaking. Sarah tells him that Steve isn’t the man she married. Jason tells her that Steve is a great man, and that he’s guilty about what they did last night. Wow, guilt from Jason Stackhouse about sex? Never saw it coming. Sarah tells Jason the truth about Steve; that he’s training the Soldiers of the Sun, –including him and Luke, to start a war with the vampires, and that he is vicious, and cruel, and gasp! he uses the C word! Oh no, how awful. Because starting a war that will cost thousands of lives is nothing compared to using the C word! Oh, say it ain’t so! Sarah cries, telling Jason that Steve is lying to her, and shutting her out; Jason dries her eyes, in the sweetest way. You don’t deserve him, you bitch! Sarah convinces Jason that, in her heart, she’s not married to Steve anymore, and that she wants to be with Jason instead. Jason, told that ‘God wants this’, is seduced yet again by the blond vixen, and they have sex right there in the church. Egads.

Elsewhere, Daphne leads a reluctant Sam towards the sound of drums, and when he hesitates, he’s jumped by a bunch of psychos and dragged off to the clearing, where a zombified Eggs is having wild animal sex with Tara. Sam asks “what the fuck is this?” and Daphne tells him, “it’s the end of the road,” before she places the big bull mask on Maryann. She starts chanting, and vibrating, while nearby, Carl, –who I’ve begun to think of as a eunuch, –stands by with a knife on a silver tray. Sam screams bloody murder, –literally, and that’s where they leave us!

Related Reading:

Sookie Stackhouse, Books 1-7

My Very First Library

Sookie Stackhouse 8-copy Boxed Set (Sookie Stackhouse/True Blood)

Blue Blood, True Blood: Conflict & Creation

The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

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