Vampires » undead

If I were a Vampire…

Bryce — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:16:26 +0000

Have you ever said to yourself, “If I were a vampire…,” then proceeded to list numerous and exciting things you could get away with, say, and do without getting flak from those around you?

Imagine what it would be like if the world was your oyster; “normal” beings can’t get away with much, but if you were an elite member of those who creep around in the night, the possibilities are endless.

I’m going to share what I think I could get away with if I were a blood sucker:

1. Mind Control- If I were a vampire, I’m pretty sure I could have my cake and eat it too. Let’s say I had a controlling boss who thought he or she could push people around; I would use my powers to reverse their train of thought and more importantly, make them give me a killer bonus that was a long time coming.

2. Sex- Even though I have flawless looks, I still would want the mate of my dreams. If people told me I couldn’t date someone out of my league, I’d make it my purpose in life to prove them wrong. With that being said, I’d simply flaunt myself and turn into the most irresistible human being possible. Watch out, Cullen!

3. Athleticism- If I were a member of the undead, I’d be a star athlete. You see vampires in the movies run like nobody’s business; they speed through life and don’t look back. I would join a town track team or simply use my powers mentioned in #1 to get on to an Olympic team and show the world what I was working with.

What are your dream vampire powers?

- Bryce

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

veritas — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:56:39 +0000

The first testament says “an eye for an eye.”
The second testament says “love thy neighbour.”
The third testament… KICKS ASS!

When the lesbians of Canada’s capital city of Ottawa begin to disappear and it’s discovered that vampires are the cause there is only one person the Catholic church can turn to to stop the undead menace…

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter!

This (obviously) low budget B movie from the heart of the Great White North is sure to take it’s place amongst the greats of cult classic cheese. So bad it’s good does not begin to describe just how funny this poorly dubbed, poorly choreographed but oddly entertaining movie really is.

As I began to watch I first thought I was in for a big disappointment, after all the film looks like it was made by a group of film students (which it was) on a shoestring budget (which it also was). However, despite it’s lack of polish this film still somehow manages to shine. Oh sure, some parts are just God awful (pardon the pun) such as Jesus starting a sing along in the middle of downtown Ottawa and an appearance by God in a bowl of ice cream and cherries at the local Hooters but I still couldn’t help but enjoy myself. After all, how often do you get to see the Messiah kick undead ass Kung Fu style?

One thing I did dislike about the movie however was that Jesus got a haircut, shaved the beard and changed his clothes. Personally I thought that took a bit of the magic away from Jesus as after his makeover he really just looked like some regular guy. Ah well, did I mention he kicks undead ass Kung Fu style?

Our story begins with a brutal attack on a member of Ottawa’s lesbian community by a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave. The local Catholic churches, eager to stop the attacks on their parishioners lose hope when the Vatican refuses to offer aid to stop the unholy terrors but they soon find their prayers answered in the form of the greatest vampire hunter that has ever lived, Jesus Christ Himself!

Jesus, who just happens to be hanging out in Canada while awaiting His second coming is more than happy to help protect the lesbian community which the Vatican has deemed deviant, for as Jesus says, “What is so deviant about love?”

He can’t do it alone though and soon finds Himself teamed with Mary Magnum, professional church assassin and El Santos, world famous Mexican wrestling hero. Together they team up to destroy the evil vampires but it won’t be easy since these vampires have somehow discovered a way to walk around in broad daylight.

Will Ottawa’s lesbian community ever be safe again? Will Jesus learn the vampires secret to walking in daylight? Will there ever be a sequel? Watch Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter to find out!

Tattered Star T-Shirts – Very Cool, Ghoul

annimi — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 05:35:47 +0000

I just recently got a couple Tattered Star t-shirts in the mail, and I have to say, I’m pretty effing thrilled with them. The guys over at Tattered Star have a pretty awesome selection of monster shirts, with witty sayings on them, you know. Example, one of my shirts says “Conserve Water, Drink Blood”– how cool is that? If you’re looking for more of their wares, check out TatteredStar.com. Below, we’ve got a little bit of interview from the guy who owns the company, letting you know he feels about Vampires.com, among other things, and even giving us a sneak peek at what kind of shirts they’ll be selling in the future. So if you’re wondering, what’s so great about this Internet t-shirt shop, it’s because the shirts are funny, and soft, and all about monsters, –with new vampire designs in, what’s not to love?

Interview with Wes (Big Man at the Tattered Star Store Online!)

1. At the risk of sounding too much like a character from Scream: What’s your favorite scary movie?

That’s really hard to answer being a big fan of horror. At this moment, I would say Dawn Of the Dead (Remake)

2. What was your inspiration for starting a horror culture t-shirt store?

At first I wanted to do political shirts but I’ve always had a dark sense of humor. We started with “Undead Rights! Zombies Were People Too!” as a way to tie in to the politics by using the undead as the oppressed.
The ideas started to flow from there and now our main focus is on horror and gamer t-shirts. These are things that I enjoy and identify with.

3. What was the first horror movie you ever saw?

Return of the Living Dead. Loved that movie.

4. Do you have a favorite monster?

Zombies. But lately, thanks to TrueBlood, vampires have been taking over. I’m rereading Bram Stoker’s Dracula now.

5. What’s your favorite design among all the shirts you have for sale?

It’s a tie between “Conserve Water Drink Blood” & “Learn to Spell for His Sake”.

6. Can you reveal what’s in the future for Tattered Star? If so, please share.
We have a lot of new shirts coming out before October. There is talk of a Fangoria show in Las Vegas and I hope to have three of these new shirts ready for the event, one of which is an Edgar Allan Poe shirt that will hopefully be out next week. We also plan an H.P Lovecraft shirt before the end of the year.

7. Are you a TrueBlood fan, and if so, who’s your favorite character?

Yes, it’s one of the best shows on the air. My favorite character would have to be Sookie.

8. Who is your favorite vampire of all time?

I like the original Dracula the best but Bill from True Blood is great too.

9. If you were a vampire, what would your name be?

Armando Castrella the 623rd.

10. Finally, what are your thoughts on Vampires.com?

The biggest thing I like are the articles that cover everything vampire. Like all monsters, the myths of vampires have changed over the centuries. Writers put a new spin on old stories in order to come up with something fresh. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not but Vampires.com lets people see the big picture; all the different views and how they relate to one another. This forms it into one mythos with many faces.

Becoming a Vampire

veritas — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:28:16 +0000

There are three main ways to become a vampire; by birth, by bite, and by death. The second is explanation enough in and of itself. A vampire bites and feeds from a male or female, and whether it is the result of recurring feeding or one incident of feeding that led to death, he or she then becomes on of the undead. According to folklore from different cultures across the globe, there are numerous signs that a child is born a vampire, or that a corpse has become one after death. There are signs that one might give that they have been bitten and are turning into a vampire, such as shying away from religious talk, or items, lessening hygiene and foul breath, have newly begun to sleepwalk, as well as anemic tendencies.

Some of the causes for vampirism in a child are being born on certain holy days, new moons, or seasonal equinox, or being conceived on those days, born with a red caul on their head, too much hair, an extra nipple, two hearts. The habits of the child may also indicate vampirism, such as if it was weaned too soon, or if the baby continues nursing even after it has been weaned. Dying before baptism as a baby is another possible way to turn into a vampire infant. There’s also being born the seventh son of a seventh son; but this can also be taken as a good omen as well. Some reasons fall on the mother; if she stared at a vampire, or did not eat enough salt while she was pregnant, her child might be born a vampire. Other reasons are curses, either after the baby has been born, or while still in the womb.

One can also become a vampire if certain customs are not observed after death. In some areas of Romania it is believed that burying a corpse face up will result in vampirism, while others remain steadfast that the only way is to die as a vampire’s victim. Improper burial ceremonies, no burial, as well as shadows falling across a corpse, the wind from the Russian Steppe blowing over a corpse, even having a cat, dog, or other animal jump over the corpse has been believed to be a certain cause of vampirism. Some believe it is the way the person dies that makes the vengeful spirit of the vampire linger, such as those were died violently, with murders that went unavenged, or even death by drowning. In other cultures, the actions of others dictate the vampire change in a corpse; some believe that stealing the ropes used to bury a corpse will cause the dead to rise, while others believe that if the corpse has a sleepwalking brother, it will come back as a vampire.

Vampires » undead

If I were a Vampire…

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Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

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Tattered Star T-Shirts – Very Cool, Ghoul

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Becoming a Vampire

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