The Vampire Tomato

I’ve said all along that tomatoes were evil. They can only be safely eaten after they are cooked; this serves as a sort of exorcism, fricasseeing the devil out of them. Otherwise, to eat one raw, even if you are only consuming small slices, is to risk demonic possession, or demonic indigestion. To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to. But as evil as tomatoes are in general, this newly discovered tomato species from Down Under, scientifically classified as SOLANUM OSSICRUENTUM, may be the most evil of all. The name sure fits, as the latter part, translated liberally from the Latin, means “bloody bones.” It also looks the part. With all those spikes, they should call it “The Impaler.”

When the SOLANUM OSSICRUENTUM is cut open, it bleeds. Honestly, so does any tomato, but the juices of the Vampire Tomato look a lot more like HUMAN or animal blood than tomato juice. They are white until exposed to the air but quickly darken into a deep, syrupy red. To be a true vampire, it would be necessary for the Vampire Tomato to drain the juices from other tomatoes, which it doesn’t, but it’s easy to see how a confabulation could have occurred. How many fingers have been pricked and bloodied by those nasty spikes? Then, when the fruit is sliced open, lo and behold, there is fresh blood! Voila, a Vampire Tomato! (I’m betting even Bunnicula might have some trouble with this snack.)

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless. Denn die totden reiten schnell!

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