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19

Vampire Hunting 101

Come in, sit down and shut up. Today we discuss the serious matter of vampire slaying. What you, as a future Slayer need to have, what you need to do and what you need to know. So listen and listen well, don’t miss even the most minuscule of details because it could cost you your life in the field. The tales told ‘round campfires are nothing but sweet adolescent memories now, time to face up to the real thing.

First off before we start with the dos and don’ts you need your gear. These are the basic items all vampire slayers should carry…

  • Stakes
  • Mallet
  • Mirror
  • Cross
  • Garlic
  • Holy Water
  • Knives (in an assortment of fun sizes)
  • Rope
  • Saw

That covers your old school supplies. Some newer additions and must haves are…

  • Guns (wont kill the bastards but it’ll slow them down)
  • Flamethrower (destructive but effective)
  • Flashlight

Now that you have your gear we can get to detecting them. You’ll learn how to kill them after you have all your info. You can’t very well go into a room, balls out and attack everyone in sight. No, first you need to do the ground work and figure out if what you’re dealing with is in fact a vampire.  There are clues as to the presence of a vampire, they are…

At the Cemetery:

  • Finger-sized holes
  • Disturbed earth
  • Constant mists
  • Moved or fallen tombstones
  • Footprints leading from a grave
  • Dogs barking (or refusing to enter cemetery)
  • No birds singing
  • Geese screaming when near suspected grave
  • Horses shying away from grave
  • Sounds comings from under the earth

Signs on a Corpse:

  • Open eyes
  • Fangs (a lot of kids nowadays like to wear fake ones, MAKE SURE they are real before your blade gets too friendly with their neck)
  • Bloated body
  • New nails, new hair
  • Lack of decomposition
  • White liver

Appearance & Habits:

  • Fangs
  • Red eyes
  • Long nails
  • Paleness
  • Reluctance to enter house without invite
  • Hairy palms
  • Hatred of bright light
  • No appetite…for food
  • Never seen during the day (not always true, some vampire species can walk in sunlight)
  • Has super strength
  • People around them often die
  • Bad breath

Have you got all of that memorized? Good, now we can get to the good stuff, the vampire killing. Now pay close attention, you don’t want any mistakes made in the future.

Common Methods:

  • Staking (right through the heart)
  • Beheading
  • Sunlight (some species are immune to this)
  • Cremation (scatter the ashes)
  • A sword or knife in the heart (it should be blessed first)
  • Submerging them in holy water (young vamps will die quickly with this method, older ones will be more difficult and slower)
  • Touching with a crucifix (this will ONLY kill a very young and very weak vampire, this will usually just repel the undead)
  • Removing the heart
  • Trapping in the grave (iron bits, red peas, roses, garlic, and holy water can be used for this)

Uncommon Methods:

  • Stealing their left sock (only works on a few species; fill sock with soil, rocks, grave dirt, or rocks, and throw outside of village limits, preferably into a river)
  • One word: Flamethrower
  • Using syringe to inject holy water right into its veins
  • Bottling (Hire a professional Malaysian or Bulgarian sorcerer)
  • Breaking the spine, then cutting off the head
  • Get help from a dhampir (their vampire lineage may make them untrustworthy: beware)
  • Use animals (cocks, dogs and white wolves recommended)

There, now you are as ready as you’ll ever be. You have your basics, along with some lesser known facts. Now go out and kill those filthy leeches.
Oh and do not fall in love with one of the beasts, we have lost so many good men and women to that damned sickness. Love, bleh, it has no place in a vampire hunter’s world.

– Moonlight

Moonlight (aka Amanda) loves to write about, read about and learn about everything pertaining to vampires. You will most likely find her huddled over a book of vampire folklore with coffee in hand. Touch her coffee and she may bite you (and not in the fun way).
destroying a vampirevampire detectionvampire historyvampire huntervampire huntingvampire lorevampire slayervampire slaying

Moonlight • September 19, 2009


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  • shrike

    as a vampiric creature ur sight is most intresting but in my readings on vampyre law there are more than one type of creature ie living vampire mori undead vampire stigoi not to mention the many more world wide and many ways to inhume the creatures have fun ! and dont let the lyamer bite yours shrike

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  • In creating a vampire slaying “how to” you assume that real vampires fit the stereotype of myth. What if real vampires are nothing like the stereotype? Just a thought.

    • Moonlight

      You kinda missed the point :) This is actually a historical post I made to look more interesting. All of the methods and info I mentioned come from the history books. These were once very real things that people believed back in the day. A few hundred years back people (mostly in Europe) believed 100% in vampires, and they came up with all of these idea for finding them and killing them. What I listed above are those old ideas, but I threw in a few modern ones for fun. :)

      • My apologies, I didn’t perceive your intended context when reading. If you’re interested in myth related to vampire slaying you might find interesting all the wards and guards supposed useful in preventing a vampire from rising.

        There are some quite hysterically funny methods reported to have been used.

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  • Kaeso

    The knives should be blessed first. That way, if you’re surrounded, draw a circle around yourself with it and sprinkle it with holy water. Blasted chalk and blessed salt are also useful for this purpose. Get a copy of the Roman Ritual if you don’t have access to these things. The circle is a tool ceremonial magicians use to protect themselves when conjuring malevolent entities.

    • Melissa Leman

      From what I’ve read online, it might be hard convincing a priest to bless weapons for you. Silver and Iron are both anti-vampire metals, though, so you could try to get knives of those metals.

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  • lito

    be careful!!! this is no game or internet trivial. hunting will get you killed or some idiot will kill an innocent. it is very unlikely you will ever kill a true vampire. please in the future offer the disclaimer for entertainment only

    • Kyle

      This would be good for if you were going to make a vampire hunter film and needed something to study, I would like to hope that you all realise that the myth of vampires was created from stories of Vlad Dracula Tepes aka Vlad the impaler, who would every now and then eat toast with blood drizzled on it. Nothing more than superstition and rumors rolled into one.

  • Snow

    Are you fucking insane? What do you think gives you the right to kill anyone? Fucking basement dweller keyboard warrior brony virgin. Killing anyone even if they’re “beasts” will result in jail time buddy. You are so fucking retarded. And if vampires really wanted to hurt any of us they would’ve already done so assuming they have super natural powers.

    • Myli

      “basement dweller keyboard warrior brony virgin”

      Did you just vomit out a string of words and think it worked as an insult?

    • Melissa Leman

      So if someone if going around killing people, you still shouldn’t kill them? Wow, you’re an idiot. The only Keyboard warrior here is you.

      Also, by definition, drinking someone’s blood is “hurting them”

  • HUGHIE

    I love vampires you cannot see THAM in the sun