Vampire Hunting 101

Come in, sit down and shut up. Today we discuss the serious matter of vampire slaying. What you, as a future Slayer need to have, what you need to do and what you need to know. So listen and listen well, don’t miss even the most minuscule of details because it could cost you your life in the field. The tales told ‘round campfires are nothing but sweet adolescent memories now, time to face up to the real thing.

First off before we start with the dos and don’ts you need your gear. These are the basic items all vampire slayers should carry…

• Stakes
• Mallet
• Mirror
• Cross
• Garlic
• Holy Water
• Knives (in an assortment of fun sizes)
• Rope
• Saw

That covers your old school supplies. Some newer additions and must haves are…

• Guns (wont kill the bastards but it’ll slow them down)
• Flamethrower (destructive but effective)
• Flashlight

Now that you have your gear we can get to detecting them. You’ll learn how to kill them after you have all your info. You can’t very well go into a room, balls out and attack everyone in sight. No, first you need to do the ground work and figure out if what you’re dealing with is in fact a vampire.  There are clues as to the presence of a vampire, they are…

At the Cemetery:

• Finger-sized holes
• Disturbed earth
• Constant mists
• Moved or fallen tombstones
• Footprints leading from a grave
• Dogs barking (or refusing to enter cemetery)
• No birds singing
• Geese screaming when near suspected grave
• Horses shying away from grave
• Sounds comings from under the earth

Signs on a Corpse:

• Open eyes
• Fangs (a lot of kids nowadays like to wear fake ones, MAKE SURE they are real before your blade gets too friendly with their neck)
• Bloated body
• New nails, new hair
• Lack of decomposition
• White liver

Appearance & Habits:

• Fangs
• Red eyes
• Long nails
• Paleness
• Reluctance to enter house without invite
• Hairy palms
• Hatred of bright light
• No appetite…for food
• Never seen during the day (not always true, some vampire species can walk in sunlight)
• Has super strength
• People around them often die
• Bad breath

Have you got all of that memorized? Good, now we can get to the good stuff, the vampire killing. Now pay close attention, you don’t want any mistakes made in the future.

Common Methods:

• Staking (right through the heart)
• Beheading
• Sunlight (some species are immune to this)
• Cremation (scatter the ashes)
• A sword or knife in the heart (it should be blessed first)
• Submerging them in holy water (young vamps will die quickly with this method, older ones will be more difficult and slower)
• Touching with a crucifix (this will ONLY kill a very young and very weak vampire, this will usually just repel the undead)
• Removing the heart
• Trapping in the grave (iron bits, red peas, roses, garlic, and holy water can be used for this)

Uncommon Methods:

• Stealing their left sock (only works on a few species; fill sock with soil, rocks, grave dirt, or rocks, and throw outside of village limits, preferably into a river)
• One word: Flamethrower
• Using syringe to inject holy water right into its veins
• Bottling (Hire a professional Malaysian or Bulgarian sorcerer)
• Breaking the spine, then cutting off the head
• Get help from a dhampir (their vampire lineage may make them untrustworthy: beware)
• Use animals (cocks, dogs and white wolves recommended)

There, now you are as ready as you'll ever be. You have your basics, along with some lesser known facts. Now go out and kill those filthy leeches.
Oh and do not fall in love with one of the beasts, we have lost so many good men and women to that damned sickness. Love, bleh, it has no place in a vampire hunter’s world.

- Moonlight