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10 Reasons It Sucks Having A Vampire Boyfriend

Having your very own dark and sexy vampire boyfriend would of course totally rock all sorts of awesome. But like most good things there are a few downsides to it as well. Why would it suck having a vampire as a boyfriend? Read on…

1. Vampire bite marks on your neck are way harder to cover up than a hickey some mortal boy may give you. It’ll take a bit more than concealer to cover that baby up; I suggest investing in a lot of scarves.

2. You know how parents always want to have a nice family dinner with your new boy to get to know him better? Well, that’s a little hard for someone that only drinks blood. “Uhh… I’ll just have a steak… super rare.” I’m sure he’ll raise a few eyebrows during dinner.

3. No fun in the sun for you guys. Say goodbye to warm and sunny trips to the beach.

4. He uses speech from hundreds of years ago, which makes you scratch your head trying to figure out what the hell he is saying. “What hath thee wrought?” Say what?

5. Sleeping all day so that you can hang out with him at night is totally killing your tan.

6. He is soooo much older and wiser than you. Meaning, you can’t win any arguments. He’ll be pulling out the immortality card whenever he can. “When you’re 500 years you’ll understand!” Lame.

7. Angst, lots of angst. Yes, he may have you in his life, someone to love and warm his cold blooded heart, but he’ll still have his emo days. Expect him to go into dark brooding mode a lot, going on and on about all the horrible things he did in his “early years.”

8. He is easily overwhelmed by our modern technology. Ever try explaining to a grandparent how to use a computer? Frustrating right? Imagine having to explain it to a centuries old vampire. “Back in my day we had carrier pigeons, none of this e-mail or texting nonsense!”

9. You keep cutting your tongue on his sharp fangs. Sure, after a while you learn the art of kissing a vampire, but for a while there every kiss results in you nicking your tongue on those fangs. Then your tongue bleeds which triggers that blood lust of his, which is a whole other issue there. Some days you just aren’t in the mood for a good ol’ blood draining.

10. No warm cuddles. Being undead and all means he’s a bit on the chilly side, so you’re stuck cuddling a chunk of ice.

– Moonlight

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Moonlight • November 20, 2009


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  1. vampires
  2. Auoros November 20, 2009 - 11:43 am Reply

    10 Reasons It Sucks Having A Vampire Boyfriend from a vanilla point of view.

  3. ally November 26, 2009 - 10:35 pm Reply

    i want a vampire boyfriend and he cant bite anytime ;-), unless his theeth are coated in venom hen he can bite me once.

  4. crysz December 7, 2009 - 10:35 pm Reply

    when u actually think about it, it is very true but i don’t care if he bites me i will always want him more lol

  5. Sukkit Sukhym December 14, 2009 - 6:38 pm Reply

    Love conquers all, right?

  6. Faust December 21, 2009 - 12:44 am Reply

    Yes, love does conquer all. Too bad you can’t tell the difference between love and lust.

  7. Christine February 14, 2010 - 2:56 pm Reply

    Haha! That was funny. But hey, vampires of folklore and 19th century literature could walk in sun and some of them, like Carmilla, were warm… p

  8. al March 1, 2010 - 2:13 pm Reply

    i like what the girl said above me lol so true.
    and teh technolgy thinng made me giggle cuz if my vampy bf did that ha id be like get used to it ;] <3

  9. Miss Ellia March 10, 2010 - 1:02 pm Reply

    number 6th and the 10th one is really interesting.
    so then if you had a boyfriend vampire then the cuddling would be the not so great thing then.. im pretty sure as long as you wear maybe warm clothings it would not matter would it not?

  10. jeremy mathis April 23, 2010 - 12:50 pm Reply

    they have normal body tempatures, can eat normal food, the sun doesn’t bother them all that i have said is true

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  12. Shaelyn August 4, 2010 - 12:11 am Reply

    not to mention he has no heartbeat, therefore no blood-flow which means he can never have an erection….yeahhh.

  13. ~~ Missy ~~
  14. VampireCowboy November 19, 2011 - 12:44 am Reply

    Thanks for the fun list. Another problem: Daymares. You know that daymare where you dream you had to eat your way through a huge cherry danish only to wake up and find your girlfriend dead and bled out in the bed? Yeah, that sucks.

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