A First Encounter with a Troll, Part Two: Ode to a Troll
There are three possibilities, here, as to why My Little Troll (MLT) responded the way it did to my article on Eva Green of PENNY DREADFUL. (Suggestion: Read that article first, if you haven’t already.) My Little Troll got its knickers all in a twist over my commenting on Ms. Green’s physical attractiveness, and my dissing of boring-as-hell Bernardo Bertolucci, who is apparently well loved by MLT. Mostly about the sexiness, though. The first explanation is the simplest: My Little Troll is just a troll. The second is that MLT is sincere but really kinda stupid. (In case there is someone else out there too thickheaded to appreciate that my “offensive” article was written tongue-in-cheek, let me spell out clearly the point I sought to make with it: Eva Green is a superb actress, and it’s a shame that her status as a sex symbol causes her to not be taken as seriously by the “establishment.” See, dear Little Troll, I chose to take the self-deprecating approach with the article, saying “*I* am a pig,” instead of pointing a metaphorical finger at my gender in totality, accusing them en masse: “YOU are all pigs!” Men are pigs in general, yes, but we shouldn’t let our piggish-ness cause us to devalue the talent of a performer like Ms. Green. THAT is the point of the article, but, if not a complete troll, MLT is obviously incapable of appreciating such things as subtext or sarcasm, so I’ll spell it out as straightly and uninterestingly as possible. Then again, MLT loves Bertolucci, so “uninteresting” likely appeals to it.
Possibility number three is that MLT suffered abuse at some point at the hands of men, and this has led it to a hatred of men in general and the habit of psychologically projecting its own issues onto strangers. If this latter is the case, I wouldn’t want to make fun. I would hope that the person receives the help they need. (Here I’ll use the interpersonal but grammatically incorrect “they” instead of “it.”) Given the level of vitriol spewed forth by MLT, though, a viciousness out of all proportion to the article in question, I will proceed with the assumption that, in this case, a troll really is just a troll.
As MLT’s attack on me occurred on social media, I was unable to get a screencap of the assault before it was deleted. I don’t know if an administrator of the group, a PENNY DREADFUL fan site, deleted the comments of MLT or if it deleted them itself, after I responded by thanking it for the free publicity. You see, My Little Troll, in the midst of its childish criticisms of my appearance and calling me a “nobody” and a “loser,” shared the offending article. TWICE! Then it proceeded to list the various websites I write for, as if this were in some way going to discredit me. MLT also, it seems, read several of my other articles, because it referenced them, as well.
I actually had a friend ask me if MLT was really a fake profile I had created, in order to troll myself—and thus garner some free publicity. I have to admit, looking at it from an outsider’s perspective, I can see why someone would suspect that (and I wish I’d thought of it!), as MLT did such an excellent job of unintentionally publicizing me. MLT even mentioned my play, DRACULA: LORD OF THE VAMPIRES, and the fact that I am offering it to theatre groups to perform royalty free as evidence that it mustn’t be any good—I’ll get to that in a moment—seemingly not realizing that its mentioning of the play is exactly the sort of thing I WANT people to do, along with plugging the websites and reposting my articles. Seriously, MLT, with enemies like you, who needs friends?
It’s been a long time since I was in kindergarten, My Little Troll, and I’m afraid it’s been almost as long since I’ve been upset by someone, especially a total stranger, calling me names. Of course MLT, you really know nothing at all about me. Rather you constructed an idea of me, a creation of your own insecurities, hang-ups, psychological projections, and your personal spitefulness, then you proceeded to rake that construct over the coals. You gave Straw Man Wayne hell, didn’t you? Fortunately Straw Man Wayne is impervious to both injury and insult. (Cause he doesn’t exist.) Far from causing me harm, which is what you sought to do in your juvenile, distant, and abstract way, you did me a great favor. You pimped my play DRACULA: LORD OF THE VAMPIRES. (More on that in my next post.) You pimped the websites I write for. You shared my article. You had one of my friends convinced you were ME, you did such a good job of promoting me! … Hey, wait a minute. MLT, are you really someone I know? ARE you one of my buddies, trying to help me out? Abe, is that you?! Scott?! Christa?!
I wanted to thank you publicly, MLT, for all you gave to me. You even gave me fodder for articles this week! I am much obliged. Truly I am.
That said, this is a one-off. Don’t try trolling me again. We have a strict no-trolls policy here, so don’t waste your time. Any comment you might make is going to be immediately deleted without any form of acknowledgement. That goes for all other potential trolls out there. Don’t waste the effort. You’ll get no meals here. I’m not gonna be the guy who makes trolls into rock stars. All this was a one-time only deal, to celebrate my first trolling, and the fact that it was such a profitable experience for me, in spite of what MLT wanted. Getting my troll cherry popped was a genuine pleasure, but it’s not something I will repeat. This, then, is goodbye, little troll. I will always remember you fondly. Now go seethe with anger that you are so ineffectual and incapable that your attack on me is something I am celebrating rather than grieving. You may literally be the WORST. TROLL. EVER. But you were my first and I will always have a soft spot in my rotten little heart for you—the exact sorta spot where one would expect a worm to be the most comfortable.
WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless.
Denn die totden reiten schnell!