A Polish Vampire in Burbank (1985)

A coming of age story for every young vampire who feels like he’s just not up to snuff compared with mom, dad, incredibly slutty sister, –not too mention those movie vampires who seem like they get all the charm and moves. Now, add to that some stubby fangs, a stupid name like ‘Dupah’, and a Polish background, –and you’ve got major problems with being taken seriously, even by humans, let alone other vampires. Dupah’s being pressured by his family to hurry up and learn the family trade: serial murder/biting people for food. So he meets a girl who loves vampires, and awkwardly sets about wooing her and trying to bite her. This lasts throughout most of the film, and it’s not until the last ten minutes of the movie that he finally bites her.

But alas! because he fell asleep after their fanging, she takes off in the last couples hours before dawn, and disappears. It’s not until later, when she returns as a skeleton does he realize his mistake. She probably should have mentioned that while she was out, somewhere between turning into a vampire and re-visiting her beloved Dupah, she bit her ex’s cock off. But we won’t hold it against her; all told, Dolores, girlfriend of Dupah, is fairly decent for a chick. In his grief for his skeletal girlfriend, Dupah faces the sunlight, and turns into a skeleton too, –so now they can finally betogether on their own terms. So romantic; two skeletons, making out.

This movie, if you haven’t guessed yet, is crazy stupid. But also, very funny. There’s a great scene involving a Sonny and Cher impersonation that will have you laughing your butt off, –and lots of pot smoking stoner laughs for those of us who enjoyed the 80s free spirited use of narcotics. This is probably one of the first vampire spoof movies of all time; I’ve seen TaintLight and this definitely tops that movie, which is so stupid it should be ashamed of itself. Vampire Sucks is better, but then again, Polish Vampire in Burbank didn’t have the same budget. Altogether, this is a movie not to miss if you like horror/vampire spoofs, or if you love 80s nostalgia…. which I totally do.

By annimi

Ashley writes for Vampires.com, Werewolves.com, and other sites in the Darksites Network. She's involved in several seedy and disreputable activities, smokes too much, and spends her late nights procrastinating for work on her first novel.


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