William M. Briggs, author of ‘Breaking the Law of Averages: Real-Life Probability and Statistics in Plain English’ and ‘So, You Think You’re Psychic?’ has wondered about the new vampire sub-genres that might be emerging any time soon, with so much attention on vampires lately. Not as much as we have, perhaps, but he’s put a whole new spin on things. After stumbling through the Books-a-Million jungle, he discovered ‘Amish Romance’. Yeah, I gotta admit, I’ve really never heard of anything like that either. But I guess the Amish people need romance in their lives too… I had just assumed it was kept under lock and key, like you know, their genitalia.
Oh well, Briggs has decided to open a new sub-genre, awakening the world to what he calls the ‘Vampire Amish.’ Here are a few excerpts from, what looks like a soon-to-be award winning entry into vampire fiction (and yes, I’m being sarcastic… as I’m sure he was too):
“Jacob Burkholder glanced at his schedule and double-checked the room number for his first period Chemistry class. The teacher was Mister Harding, who, rumor had it, was Harrisburg High’s easiest ‘A’.
Jacob needed a soft class because this was his first semester in an actual, public school. One that was more than just a single room and shared by children of all ages, that is.
This was because young Jacob was Amish. He was sixteen, out living among the English on his rumspringa, the time of youthful rebellion where Amish young men and women decide if they want to remain part of the fold or forever leave it behind. Whether they would accept the Baptism or renounce the Order and be forever sworn to secrecy.
Isabella leaned down and began pushing the broken glass into a pile with the edge of her folder. As she did so, a shard caught her on the finger, cutting it. “Oh!” she said.
Jacob’s attention immediately riveted on Isabella. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, barely suppressing a moan. He was starting to feel his face turn hot and red. He couldn’t take much more before…
He stood up and bolted from the room, crashing into Mr Harding who was returning with the broom.
“Ha! Look at the pansy run,” said John, “Scared of the sight of blood!” He and his crew laughed.
Isabella’s eyes followed Jacob out. After he was gone, she held up her finger, which was still bleeding slightly. “He’s not frightened.”
Somehow she knew.”
Yeah, sounds very promising. Anyway, I’m all in favor of at least an ebook on the subject; after being steeped in Briggs’ wit and irony, it should come out as a hilarious parody read. So by all means, let’s see some Amish vampires, running amok and getting seduced by high school girls!