ARMY OF THE DEAD and Netflix Bitchin’

People were complaining about Zack Snyder’s ARMY OF THE DEAD before they ever friggin’ watched it. Here’s a sampling of some gripes posted online: “A zombie heist movie does not need to be TWO AND A HALF HOURS LONG. Can we release a Non-Snyder cut where the slow-mo scenes are normal speed?” “I’m sorry, ARMY OF THE DEAD is *how* long?” “Zack Snyder loves making movies long. Why is Army Of The Dead 2 and a half hours long?” “Wait a damn minute. why is Army of the Dead 2 hours and 28 minutes long?!” “How the f*** is Army of theDead 2 hours 28 minutes long. Someone needs to lock @ZackSnyder in a room when they’re editing his films.”

I swear, peeps, I’m laughing as I type all this. I swear, the First World privilege entitlement mentality on display here is staggering, or would be, were if not so sadly commonplace. Bless their pea-pickin’ little hearts, being subjected to a movie with a run time longer than they think it ought to be! The torture! Somebody get Amnesty International on this one right away! I know it never possibly occurred to these poor, poor victims, these unfortunate put-upon unfortunates, but I do have a suggestion that might prove helpful to them. If your knickers are all atwist because the length of ARMY OF THE DEAD exceeds your attention spans—HOWZABOUT YOU JUST DON’T WATCH IT?!?! Good freakin’ Lawd.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless. Denn die totden reiten schnell!

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