Beware the White Vans
Lots of vehicle news this week to report. If one can claim two articles as “lots,” but that’s two more than we usually have, innit, so yes, I think we can. Previously I reported on the six-wheeled monster hearse known as “Mortis.” Now I must warn all readers about the imaginary threat posed by the spectral fleet of evil White Vans. Not to be confused with the infamous White SUVs that guard Area 51 in Nevada—I was “chased” by one of them a coupl’a years back. Seriously.—the White Vans are more ghostly. This probably has something to do with the fact that the White SUVs actually exist in the physical sense whereas the White Vans do not. That is to say, yes, there are certainly vans out there that are white in color, but these are not the White Vans driven by imaginary sexual predators who are allegedly but not really kidnapping women to sell as sex slaves or so they can be chopped up and their organs harvested for sale on the black market.
Now you’d think anybody with any sense would see the threat of the White Vans as nothing more than an urban legend in the making, a rumor with no substance. If one were really concerned about it, one would do a little research to ascertain whether or not there was actually any threat. Or then one could issue an official warning causing a potential panic, as did the Mayor of Baltimore, Jack Young, who said: “Don’t park near a white van. Make sure you keep your cellphone in case somebody tries to abduct you.” The latter part of the statement might be good advice at any time, but Young admitted that his warning came not from information he had been provided by his city’s police department but from Facebook. Good old reliable Facebook.
Yes, it’s okay to laugh about this. But it is worrying, the way people will so easily believe things patently ludicrous without any evidence whatsoever. It explains a lot if you think about it. How we ended up in the state we are in, how we ended up with some of the elected people we currently have in office.
If I had the money I think I would go out tomorrow and buy a white van and then tint the windows, just to make stupid people panic.
WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless.
Denn die totden reiten schnell!