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Channing Tatum as Dracula? Hell No!

I’ve been paying more lip-service—er, keyboard service—more to the whole thing about Channing Tatum playing one of the classic Universal Monsters in a new comedic take over at our sister site WEREWOLVES.COM, but I’m gonna pick this particular bone right here, since whoever the doofus was who wrote this linked article thinks it would be a good idea for Channing Tatum—or, as my friends and me have jokingly referred to him, “Charming Scrotum” (my significant other *may* have thought that one up)—to play Dracula.

“Of all the Universal Classic Monsters, Channing Tatum seems the most tailor-made for the rakish bloodsucker, Count Dracula. He’s suave, seductive, charismatic, and could easily use his wits and wiles to feast on any female victim that dares to cross his path… Tatum as Count Dracula…is the most logical classic Universal Monster movie redo they could make.”

Is he serious? He can’t be. I mean, I realize that people eat pods of clothes detergent, but still, he can’t be that daft. Fortunately there is a new Dracula movie in the works, set to be directed by Karyn Kusama and produced by Blumhouse. While this one isn’t technically set in stone as being a Universal property just yet, it seems unlikely that it wouldn’t be. And it seems unlikely that the studio would put out two competing Dracula flicks, one with Scrotum. And the last thing Universal would want is to pass on the Blumhouse film to instead do a silly treatment with Scrotum, only to have the two films go head-to-head. No. Sorry, Mr. Whoever, who wants to see Scrotum as Dracula. I don’t think that’s gonna happen.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless.

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