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Dakota Johnson Traumatized By SUSPIRIA

Bless her little heart. Dakota Johnson, known for being the daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith and for getting really naked in those FIFTY SHADES movies (and not much else) somehow or other landed the lead role in the remake of Dario Argento’s SUSPIRIA. It seems like maybe she wasn’t ready for working on something with substance. “[It], no lie, fucked me up so much that I had to go to therapy,” she said. Wow. A future Scream Queen she ain’t, it would seem. Therapy? Wow.

Can I be honest with you all for a moment? I got reprimanded once for being too hard on TWILIGHT. It’s true. Because there are a lot of people who visit this site who like it, I was told to go easier on it, and so I have. But those FIFTY SHADES books aren’t vampire-related, even though they started out as TWILIGHT fan fiction, so I am free to take the gloves off. If you actually LIKE those books or those movies, you might want to stop reading now.

Let me put it like this. I grew up in the country. I’m a farm boy. We had animals around when I was growing up. I stepped in stuff every once in a while. If the chick who wrote the FIFTY SHADES books were to lock herself in a monk’s cell somewhere, and work 18 hours a day for the rest of her life in an attempt to improve her literary skills, she might, MIGHT, by the time of her death, write something that was of EQUAL quality to that stuff I stepped in. Right now, though, she isn’t even close to it. To line a bird’s cage with pages from those books would be to show disrespect to the bird’s droppings. To wrap fish in it would cause the fish to go rancid.

No, I fear Dakota Johnson has much to prove if she ever wants to be taken seriously as an actress. When you’re known for starring in the film adaptation of the worst mass-marketed novel ever written, and you have to go into therapy from filming a Horror movie, it’s a safe bet you aren’t cut out for the genre. Stick with the soft-core, Dakota, or prove me wrong. I’m tough but fair. What’s it gonna be, Jamie Lee Curtis or Lindsay Lohan?

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • May 1, 2018

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