Fireside Chats: The Vampire Wine Bottle Cape

There’s this one thing about being quarantined that is either good or bad, depending on how you look at it. Realistically it is both good *and* bad. See, one of my ways of coping during this trying time has been to not deprive myself of stuff I want. Whereas normally I would be more frugal—I mean, a *little* more frugal; frugality has never been my strong suit even under the best of circumstances—these days I’m just throwing caution—and my wallet—to the wind. Good for me, in that I’m getting stuff I want without the attendant guilt. Baaaaaaad for my bank account.

Case in point: I just spent twelve bucks. For a vampire cape. But not a full-sized vampire cape that I can wear. A miniature cape. To put on my bottle of vampire wine. A bottle of wine I will never open. Because it is vampire wine and thus it needs a cape. It took me long enough to get my hands on a bottle of the wine to begin with, as I live in backwoods jerkwater Alabama (about which there are lots of things wonderful, but our laws ain’t one of them) and we can’t get wine through the mail. Finally Vampire brand wine made it to a grocery store I could drive to without crossing state lines. I bought it, but it didn’t come with a cape.

Once before I checked out how much it would cost me to get a cape for the bottle. “I’m not paying twelve bucks for a little cape!” I said to myself at the time. But that was before the quarantine. These days I’m just trying to stay sane. And it’s only money, after all. So my Vampire wine bottle will now have a cape.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless. Denn die totden reiten schnell!

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