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5 Reasons Why Chicks Shouldn’t Dig Vampires

nosferatu11. They’re probably major manwhores, –whether they’re sparkly or not, vampires have the power of glamour. They can get any chick they want! Plus, all those years on earth have probably loosened their morals a bit.If they can drink blood and kill innocent dogs and cats, then fidelity is probably pretty easy to ignore.

2. How often do you see a vampire shower in any movie? And coffins are biohazardous! So is blood! Anything that rolls around in biohazardous waste all night, and drinks blood, could be a carrier for all kinds of germs and dormant diseases. Gross! Traditionally, vampires are just icky anyway. And if you’re dating a guy that sleeps in the dirty well, need I say more?

3. Forget having pets. If you’re dating one of those “vegetarian” vampires that eat rabbits, and dogs and stuff, then the inevitable fact is, you’re going to come home one day and your dog is going to be missing, your hamster MIA, your cat looking spooked, etc., –it’s just not a safe environment. It’s almost like child abuse!

4. If your vampire isn’t a vegetarian, suppose he feeds off another human? A female human? Then the lines of jealousy get pretty blurry. Is it cheating if he’s only on a date because he wants to eat her? What if he decides she smells or tastes better than you? Are these really the kind of questions you want to be asking yourself?

5. Lastly, vampires have baggage. Guilt, emotional imbalances due to the people they’ve killed. All they do is sulk and whine about how much it sucks to live forever and only come out at night. Because it’s not like they’re missing out on things like melanoma, or rush hour traffic. Vampire guys are just too pussified; if you want to date someone who doesn’t do anything but bitch and complain, –I suggest bisexuality.

Ashley writes for,, and other sites in the Darksites Network. She’s involved in several seedy and disreputable activities, smokes too much, and spends her late nights procrastinating for work on her first novel.

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annimi • December 6, 2009

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