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Happy Bloody Valentine’s!

To quote from the Bluegrass-y remake of the song “99 Problems” by Hugo (as opposed to the original from Jay-Z, which I don’t care for) as used to great effect in the FRIGHT NIGHT remake. “If you’re havin’ girl problems, I feel bad for ya’ son. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

I always feel bad for the bros on Valentine’s Day. They’re scrambling, trying to get the last of the overpriced chocolate off the shelves at Walmart, paying way too much for a bouquet of flowers that are gonna be dead in three days anyway, under pressure from both society and their significant others to “put up” (as opposed to “put out”, which is what the girls are expected to do). I hate Valentine’s. Always have. It’s a phony, manufactured holiday. I knew I’d found the perfect girl for me when I found one who hates it as much as I do. Together, she and I have established a NEW Valentine’s tradition. Whereas previously we just ignored the day, this year for the third year in a row, we drove to Pelham, Alabama to enjoy WAREHOUSE 31’s annual “Bloody Valentine’s” event. I paid for the tickets, and she LOVED her gift. Y’know, maybe now I can say that I actually LOVE Valentine’s Day. Thanks to Warehouse 31. And I hear the trend of celebrating Valentine’s Day in this manner is catching on, so it appears there are plenty of other folks out there who feel about the saccharine celebration the same way my lovely better half and I feel. If you are a guy or a gal feeling coerced by the greeting card industry to buy expensive crap you’d just as soon not buy, I feel bad for ya’ son. (Or daughter.) I honestly do. And I was thinking of you when walking through WAREHOUSE 31’s 2 holiday-themed attractions, the 3D madness maze (this year with even more evil clowns!) and the “Rigormortis” haunted house.

Naturally, I thought of you all while I was there. Sadly, I couldn’t videotape the entire event. You’ll just have to take my word for it that “Bloody Valentine’s” lived up to its name. And naturally, my favorite part of the attraction was the graveyard/catacombs. It made me feel all warm and tingly inside.

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • February 18, 2018

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