…and by “perfect vampire” I of course mean “perfectly stereotypical vampire.” Damn near everything has a label or image associated with it, especially vampires and vamps have one very big classic stereotype.
Here is your list of instructions on how to be the perfectly horrid perfect vampire. Take notes, you want to get it right.
Formal black clothes – Vampires dress in style and black never goes out of style… plus blood stains don’t show on black. Oh and the black helps with lurking in shadows. Getting your lurk on is a big part of being a vamp.
Cape – You must have a big black cape and this cape needs to have a big collar. That way you can hunch over and peer over the top of it (like in the picture on the left). It helps if the cape has bright red velvet lining. Stylish. Thank you Bela Lugosi.
Slick black hair – Make your hair really greasy and just slick it backwards, then spray enough hairspray on it that not even a tornado will move it. A widows peak is a plus, if you don’t have a widows peak then bust out the electric shaver. If that’s not hot then I don’t know what is.
Vamp bling – It’s still cool to say bling right? No? Meh, fuck it. Anyway, you need to get yourself a big, and I mean big gaudy pendant around your neck, use bright red ribbon instead of a chain.
Accent – You gotta have a Transylvanian accent. The thicker the better. The more inaccurate the better. The more lisping action the better. Have I made my point?
Drool blood – All the cool vampires do it. Don’t you watch the movies? Munch down on a human then open your mouth wide and let the bright red life juice run down your chin. Mmm Mmm.
Hiss – For some reason many vamps do this. I guess it’s an intimidation thing. They bare their fangs and hiss like a cat. Mix the hissing in with the drooling blood and you got a peeeerfect badass combination.
Mirrors – You have no reflection. So you get to save some cash and not buy any for your lair. Win!
Castle – You need to live in a castle. A big old school castle. Make sure to get some good real estate, one where it storms a lot. You must have lightening and rain to enhance your property.
Coffin – You have to sleep in a coffin. Sunlight = bad! Beds are so for the living. Your coffin needs to be lined with velvet and when you get in and out of it you need to be as dramatic as possible. Keep it classy.
Bat – Shifting into a bat is pretty important. All the top vampires do it, you want to be cool like them right? Of course you do. Plus bats are cute…right…they have …uh…wings… and fangs… and no, no they are not cute, but it’s still part of being a vampire.
Stalk someone – All your forefather vamps have done it. You pick out some chick, preferably blonde and dumb, and then you watch her from a distance all the time. You stalk her like no one has stalked before. Lurking and stalking are two of a vampires favorite pastimes.
Fear holy items – Come on, everyone knows vampire don’t like crosses or holy water. You guys have a holy-phobia. Make sure to cringe and hiss at any holy item that come near you, it adds to the drama.
Moodiness – Keeping up with the theme of modern vampires, you need to be as emo as possible. You have to be one giant whiny little bitch. Somehow this adds sex appeal. Trust me.
Bach – Real vampires don’t rock out with their cock out to Cradle of Filth or Marilyn Manson! They rock out to Bach’s Toccata and Fugue! You know the song, everyone does. Check out the video below, you will recognize it within the first three seconds.
And that’s where I’ll end this list. You got the basics there. To be a truly bad ass vampire, you gotta stay with the stereotypical classics man.