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In Defense of BLADE II

Whenever somebody makes a post like this one, chances are the bozo in question is just trying to garner some attention. In that respect, I hate to give it to him. I SHOULD just ignore him completely. I expect you all know the type. Chances are you’ve met such people. A good example is all the crybaby fanboys upset that STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI didn’t go the way they were expecting it to go, so as a result they’re screeching about how “bad” it was and issuing petitions that the film be removed from continuity. They’re only succeeding in making themselves look foolish, but such claims get them attention, so they’re all too happy to make them, and the Internet has given anyone and everyone a platform.

This jabroni tells us that BLADE II “is not as good as you remember.” Then he goes on to inform us how “throughout the movie Snipes is suitably badass” and “(Norman) Reedus, (Ron) Perlman, and Kris Kristofferson are all excellent,” while “the practical effects and creatures are great” and [everything] is very much in line with a talented filmmaker, who was quickly developing a very distinct vision.” What’s his problem, then? What did he NOT like about the movie? The violence, apparently. “The plot is essentially Blade fighting a bunch of people, then talking to a bunch of people, then fighting a bunch of people, then talking to a bunch of people, and keep repeating.”

I’ll attempt to elucidate the point I suspect he is trying to make. (Trying but failing due to his lack of eloquence.) It would seem that the attention-craver finds the film too heavy on action and too light on storyline. Considering this is a film about a vampire slayer, a character whose sole motivation is to slay vampires, and that there are plenty of vampires that need slaying, with said vampires simultaneously wanting to slay the slayer in return, I wouldn’t really expect much other than onscreen violence, yet Guillermo Del Toro managed to give us a romantic subplot and had Blade the hater of all things vampire come to a realization that this viewpoint might be too limited. I’m not sure what else the attention-craver WANTS as far as plot. Maybe he’d have liked it better if Guillermo had given Blade a kid and some baby mama drama? Or maybe one of the supporting characters could have this dream of making it as a concert violinist? Exactly where in the narrative Del Toro would have managed to squeeze in such extraneous plot points, I don’t know.

Friends, BLADE II most assuredly IS as good as you remember it. And STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI is brilliant. Whenever you encounter one of these by-rote haters, I recommend that you ignore them completely, as by doing so you are depriving them of the thing they most crave. And yes, I should take my own advice, here. But I have a forum, and with great power must come great responsibility. When I encounter such a contentious, baseless claim being fostered by an attention whore, I must label it as such. THEN I will ignore it. Think of me like the FDA, visiting restaurants and issuing them grades based on their sanitation. If they receive a failing grade, you know not to eat there, else you risk botulism. Same way with articles online. If I stamp a failing grade onto a piece, you know not to bother reading it. Doing so can risk rotting your brain. Worst case scenario, you might end up turning into one of those attention zombies yourself. Oh, the horror!

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (www.evilcheezproductions.blogspot.com, www.facebook.com/evilcheezproductions), specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/734763

MORTUI VELOCES SUNT!

TheCheezman • January 11, 2018


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