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Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

The first testament says “an eye for an eye.”
The second testament says “love thy neighbour.”
The third testament… KICKS ASS!

When the lesbians of Canada’s capital city of Ottawa begin to disappear and it’s discovered that vampires are the cause there is only one person the Catholic church can turn to to stop the undead menace…

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter!

This (obviously) low budget B movie from the heart of the Great White North is sure to take it’s place amongst the greats of cult classic cheese. So bad it’s good does not begin to describe just how funny this poorly dubbed, poorly choreographed but oddly entertaining movie really is.

As I began to watch I first thought I was in for a big disappointment, after all the film looks like it was made by a group of  film students (which it was) on a shoestring budget (which it also was). However, despite it’s lack of polish this film still somehow manages to shine. Oh sure, some parts are just God awful (pardon the pun) such as Jesus starting a sing along in the middle of downtown Ottawa and an appearance by God in a bowl of ice cream and cherries at the local Hooters but I still couldn’t help but enjoy myself. After all, how often do you get to see the Messiah kick undead ass Kung Fu style?

One thing I did dislike about the movie however was that Jesus got a haircut, shaved the beard and changed his clothes. Personally I thought that took a bit of the magic away from Jesus as after his makeover he really just looked like some regular guy. Ah well, did I mention he kicks undead ass Kung Fu style?

Our story begins with a brutal attack on a member of Ottawa’s lesbian community by a blood sucking fiend from beyond the grave. The local Catholic churches, eager to stop the attacks on their parishioners lose hope when the Vatican refuses to offer aid to stop the unholy terrors but they soon find their prayers answered in the form of the greatest vampire hunter that has ever lived, Jesus Christ Himself!

Jesus, who just happens to be hanging out in Canada while awaiting His second coming is more than happy to help protect the lesbian community which the Vatican has deemed deviant, for as Jesus says, “What is so deviant about love?”

He can’t do it alone though and soon finds Himself teamed with Mary Magnum, professional church assassin and El Santos, world famous Mexican wrestling hero. Together they team up to destroy the evil vampires but it won’t be easy since these vampires have somehow discovered a way to walk around in broad daylight.

Will Ottawa’s lesbian community ever be safe again? Will Jesus learn the vampires secret to walking in daylight? Will there ever be a sequel? Watch Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter to find out!

By Veritas

Veritas is a faerie child, switched at birth and left with wonderful parents in a small shack deep in the hills of West Virginia. He believes in magick and hopes to inspire readers lured into the enchanted path. Occasionally, he'll post contributions from other authors so drop us an email if you're interested.

14 replies on “Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter”

Sounds purely hilarious, in all honesty. I think the bad-low-budget-thing will only add to the hilarity. Where can I buy/watch it? :’)

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