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Masters of Horror: The V Word

The V Word begins with the boys, Justin and Kerry, getting the clever idea in their heads to go to the mortuary where Justin’s cousin, James, works.

It’s very cliché horror, lights that won’t turn on, doors mysteriously slamming closed, blood splatters, and open caskets. They soon find the body of Justin’s cousin, whose throat has been ripped open. And the vampire who killed him rises up from one of the mortuary stretchers and starts to slowly creep after them in the slug-slow pace of all great horror movie villains. They always catch up, even though the heroes are running like rabbits.

Kerry falls, inevitably injuring his leg, as if the vampire needed a little more help in capturing them. The door is, of course, locked when they try to make their escape. The vampire takes his leisurely time before ripping Kerry’s throat out with his bare hands.

Justin makes a run for it, gets home, turns on all the lights, and calls 9-1-1. The emergency responder doesn’t believe him, even though he calls twice more. He’s unable to get in touch with anyone who could help him.

It’s a tad unbelievable. Try calling 9-1-1 and hanging up and see what happens. You don’t even have to say anything, and they’ll be at the home of the call in under ten minutes. I know, I’ve accidentally hit the wrong dial keys before. But what does our hero do next? He falls asleep to Bela Lugosi in Dracula. Yeah, right. I would keep calling 9-1-1 even if I had to tell them I was going to kill someone, or the president, or bomb a hospital. Hell, I’d go run to the neighbors screaming like a wild person and steal their car to drive to the police station. In the real world I know I wouldn’t have to go to such extreme measures, but even so, there’s no way I’d be able to sleep after witnessing my best friend’s murder. Especially not to a vampire movie.

Justin is woken up when he hears tapping outside. He threatens to call the police. Because apparently that worked so well for him earlier? It’s Kerry at the door, now a thirsty vampire. The plot unwinds into ridiculousness.

It turns out that the main vampire is, (gasp!) Mr. Chaney, the creepy math teacher who has a thing for young boys. Mr. Chaney kidnaps Justin’s younger sister in a confusing attempt to make Justin obey him, become a part of his creepy vampire cult, and, assumedly, take over the world. Kerry and Justin decapitate him, free his sister, and then Justin decides to bask in a sunrise death rather than remain alive and a monster.

Kerry enjoys being alive, though. The last scene shows him on a train playing a video game. A passenger offers him a drink, but realizes he’s too young. Kerry’s reply? As if this movie needed any more obvious, cliche references: “No thanks. I don’t drink… wine.”

By Holiday

Holiday is a secretive squonk from deep in the darkness of the forests. She loves helping people, reading about obscure myths and folklore, and having adventures.

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