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Movie Review: DRACULA: THE IMPALER

A couple of things. I didn’t know when I put this one into the ol’ queue that it was a Full Moon movie. Had I known, I would have looked forward to it more than I did. The downside to it being a Full Moon movie and a vampire movie is that I spent the entire hour-and-a-half (approximate time) hoping to see Radu from the SUBSPECIES films show up. Alas, he did not.

Also, my lovely better half swears that we had seen this movie before, yet I retain no memory of it whatsoever. I don’t think I’ve ever completely and totally forgotten a movie before–but if I HAD, how would I know? I almost wonder if this is a Mandela Effect sorta deal, where she watched the movie some years ago (it came out in 2013) with a parallel reality version of me. Should I be jealous of a parallel reality version of myself?

Anyway, the movie. Lousy editing/direction; the acting isn’t bad, but it’s pure soap opera. The storyline? Let’s put it this way, and let you be the judge. A group of friends, supposed to be high school kids but all of them probably close to thirty, are informed by one of them that he has booked them a week’s vacation at the “real” Castle Dracula in Romania. Surprisingly, when they arrive, the castle is not in ruins, like the REAL real Castle Dracula is. Oh, and one of the “youngsters” happens to be of Romanian descent. Yes, it couldn’t be more obvious that the “kid” was going to have some sort of connection to Dracula if they had titled the movie THE ROMANIAN GUY HAS SOME CONNECTION TO DRACULA. I was surprised beyond words, which really means not at all, when the guy turned out to be the reincarnation of Vlad III. So whatta you think? Predictable?

I don’t know where they filmed this flick, but the castle setting looks good. (It isn’t Dracula’s Castle, but it looks nice on film.) And I really dug the score, so there’s that. And I give them props for making use of the historical Dracula’s real resume–until the point it gets in the way of their plot and they discard it.

Honestly, this one isn’t bad for what it is. It just isn’t great. Maybe I was spoiled by DRACULA: THE DARK PRINCE, BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA, and DRACULA UNTOLD, all of which weaved together the historical and the fictional Draculas more effectively. Or maybe I’m just bummed that Radu wasn’t in it. I am of the opinion that all movies from Full Moon Studios should have the Puppets from PUPPETMASTER in them or Radu in them, or both. I’d prefer both. In this movie, I’d settle, or would have settled, for a cameo from any of them. Or from a credible Dracula, for that matter. The guy who appears briefly in the flick as Vlad Tepes doesn’t leave much of an impression–like the movie itself, apparently.

Unless it really WAS some version of me from a parallel reality who watched it the first time.

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (www.evilcheezproductions.blogspot.com, www.facebook.com/evilcheezproductions), specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/734763

MORTUI VELOCES SUNT!

TheCheezman • May 11, 2018


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