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Mummy Cheese!

They’ve found Mummy Cheese! Sounds tasty, dunnit? Said cheese is 3,200 years old and was discovered in a jar in the tomb of an Egyptian official named Ptahmes; the tomb itself was discovered in the late 1800s but was then lost—how does one “lose” an entire tomb?—or deliberately reburied and hidden—and not reopened until 2010. Just as people are lining up to drink the red “Mummy Juice” discovered inside that big black sarcophagus recently unearthed in Alexandria, so too are those same folks seeking to munch on the Mummy Cheese. And just as with the Mummy Juice, which is really sewage water, eating the Mummy Cheese wouldn’t be a good idea. It was poisonous when it was interred three millennia ago, containing the bacteria BRUCELLA MELITENSIS, which can cause swelling to the testicles and heart if ingested. Nor is it likely that time has lessened its toxicity.

So how does the Mummy Cheese compare to the Zombie Cheese, then? The latter, discovered in a tomb in China, is considerably older—by about a thousand years—and, surprising considering its age, in much better condition. Nor have I heard anything about the Zombie Cheese containing toxins, which is also surprising. As for the real question for which we seek the answer—which one of the cheeses would have tasted better at the time of its peak freshness—we will never really know.

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • August 26, 2018

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