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8

My Family Member is a Vampire

The unthinkable has occurred; a true loved one has turned. I’m not talking about turning his or her back on you, but turned as in changed – they have crossed over to the dark side and left you in the dust. You may not have noticed it right away, but this particular member of your family has been bitten by a vampire and will never be the same. If you didn’t spot it, here are surefire signs that there’s a member of the undead living under your roof.

Puncture Wounds: It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to notice whether or not someone has holes in their neck. If you can get this person alone for a second and they aren’t suspicious, take a close look to see if there are puncture wounds. If there aren’t any on his or her neck, check their wrists.

Eating Habits: Vampires love blood but sometimes this isn’t easily accessible. Make sure to take notice if your pet or any furry animals have been disappearing around the neighborhood. If this is the case, your family member lives like Edward Cullen or just hasn’t had a taste of the real thing yet. You can also take notice if your next of kin has been eating their red meat particularly rare or even plain raw at family meals.

Skincare: This may be an obvious sign, but is your family member as pale as Casper the friendly ghost? Chances are they aren’t itching to take the next flight out to sunny California; he or she would probably singe at the very touch of a ray of sunlight!

Do you have any other suggestions on how to spot a vampire in your family tree? How would you feel if a loved one was a vampire?

– Bryce

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Bryce • March 30, 2010


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  1. vampires
  2. Joseph Federico
  3. Razor March 30, 2010 - 3:25 pm Reply

    Cute article!

  4. Mac Walsh March 30, 2010 - 4:08 pm Reply

    Check for a pulse/ temp. Vampires are animated dead-folk. Very good article. Keep it up! BTW another good celeb vamp – Rachel Maddow.

  5. Christine March 30, 2010 - 4:40 pm Reply

    Pale thin person becomes suddenly fat and red-faced. Hey, those are vampire signs in folklore…

  6. Mark April 5, 2010 - 5:02 pm Reply

    Creepy… would never want to know as i may be too crazy suspecting
    most, if not all of my relatives to be vampires…

    Kidding aside, is there really traces that will make you suspect?

  7. Kitty April 13, 2010 - 4:18 am Reply

    STAKE EVERY GOTH! AHGDSJGHDHJDS!
    Okay, I kid. Honestly!

    Hmm, I suppose that if they can’t gain access to blood, then there’s also the chance they’d become increasingly weak.

    They’d also become withdrawn (Like, if they give a darn about their friends they won’t wanna drain them, right?)

    Clubs/The ‘nightlife’ would be more their scene.

    Oh, and the real deciding factor?
    PUSH ‘EM OUT IN THE SUN AND SEE IF THEY SPARKLE…
    If they do, then you know you gotta kill ’em.
    If they burn, then problem solved (:

  8. jeremy mathis April 23, 2010 - 12:18 pm Reply

    the sun light thing is a lie nothing will happen if a vampire walks in sunlight no burning,glittering or anything else

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