Of Kinks and Zombie Queens

I admit it. I have been prone to looking down my nose at those with sexual kinks. (For example, if I’m ever feeling bad about myself, my life, the choices I’ve made, I just remind myself that there are grown men right now who are out there fantasizing about having sex with little cartoon horses, and I immediately feel MUCH better about myself.) While recently viewing Zack Snyder’s ARMY OF THE DEAD, though, I had to admit it: I too have a kink. My kink? Hot babes in monster makeup. This was hardly a big epiphany, as I’ve known I’ve had it for years. But I had to admit to myself just how big it is; big in the sense of just how much of an effect a hot girl in monster makeup has on me. Like, Emma Stone is a beautiful woman. I’ve always thought so. But Emma Stone in her Cruella de Ville getup? Damn. D-A-M-N. Like one of Pavlov’s pooches, I get to salivating just thinking about it. I saw the trailer for CRUELLA in the theater before watching ARMY OF THE DEAD, and then, when the Zombie Queen made her appearance onscreen, I had another WAYNE’S WORLD “sha-wiiiiing!” reaction, too. I found myself wishing the Zombie Queen had been given more screen time.

Well, I can’t say I’d wanna KISS her…

Look, I’m not a borderline necrophiliac. In order for the kink to work I have to know that there’s a hot babe *under* the monster makeup. And the makeup can’t be too concealing. The babe has to remain visible beneath the makeup. But if the balance is just right, it presses all my buttons. I left the theater with a crush on the Zombie Queen.

By TheCheezman

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless. Denn die totden reiten schnell!

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