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Go see it for the zombie sharks. And the zombie pirates. And Kaya Scodelario. And to see Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly finally get their happy ending. But mostly for the sharks.

Simply put, if you enjoyed the previous PIRATES films you will like this one. Alternately, if you hated them, this isn’t the film that will change your mind. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES fits in perfectly with the other five films in the franchise. It offers lots of spiffy special effects, the same lovable, buffoonish central character (Johnny Depp’s best role, if you ask me), and plenty of humor. There isn’t much time for it to get too deep, what with all the action, but none of the series have been heavy on the subtext. None of them have been shown any love by the professional “critics” either, but that’s hardly mattered. Like the TRANSFORMERS series, these movies are critic-proof. Considering that professional critics are obsolete and should be done away with anyway, this is a good thing on two separate levels.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES is, like the rest in the series, the literal definition of a popcorn movie. It’s pure entertainment. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a theme park ride — which, given the inspiration behind the series, is apropos.

The Pirate Ghosts this time around are wicked cool. And those SHARKS…!

Since it’s inevitable they’re going to make more of these movies, I for one would love to see the zombie sharks get their own spinoff. Who’s with me?

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • June 2, 2017

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