We open up on Bill digging a grave for Jessica, who lies nearby, recently ex-sanguinated, while Pam pokes and prods, and checks the panties of his new friend. Bill gets frustrated and tells Pam to leave her alone, and the two get into a long, existential argument about the lives of vampires. Pam is all about species patriotism, while Bill takes a more emo approach to the way he lives. We do find out however, that it was Eric who made Pam; although I’d have to say it was fairly obvious from the way they chill together that Pam is the sidekick. Pam pops Jessica in the ground using her shoe, and Bill, outraged at Jessica’s treatment so far, shouts “Damn you!” before jumping in beside her. Frankly, if we weren’t watching, I’m sure he would have shaken his fist as he did it. The scene is more than a little cheesy, –but don’t worry, if you haven’t seen this before, something unexpected is about to happen. And no, it won’t be that Jessica is actually a bag of hybrid tomato seeds that grow into adulthood overnight. Though that would be pretty unexpected.
Pam proceeds to tuck the two in, i.e. bury them. And for a woman in a sassy overcoat, fabulous heels, and pantyhose, she sure can handle a shovel. Bill snuggles up beside Jessica, as Pam covers them with dirt, and after a suspicious backward glance, Bill goes to sleep. Roll the intro credits and the sexy song that goes with it. I think I’ve converted so many people to True Blood after these many month, HBO ought to pay me. I have people who swear up and down that they hate country, looking for Jace Everett’s discography. Look out, boys and girls, I wanna do bad things with you. Back to the show!
Sam is pacing in Sookie’s living room with the phone, trying to get ahold of Tara. He leaves her a voicemail, ironically asking her to let him know that she’s not drunk in a ditch somewhere. Funny, because that’s pretty much exactly where she is. Sookie returns with clean laundry, and the two discuss the killer attacking her at the bar. Sookie describe seeing the killer’s thoughts, and the woman who died in the thoughts of the killer. Sam asks Sookie if she wants to call Bill, and Sookie tells him that Bill already felt how scared and in danger Sookie was that evening, and she’s certain Bill isn’t coming back. Aww, Sookie, what an idiot you can be. Sam peps right up to take advantage of the situation, of course, and begins petting Sookie. Although certainly not the smartest blonde in the South, Sookie makes an effort to disengage, by asking if he’s heard from Tara. He says no, and Sookie tells him good night. She stands, and slowly walks off, no doubt barely restraining the urge to have wild passionately furry sex all over her grandma’s living room. Sam loads a shotgun as Sookie heads to bed. If he can’t get any Sookie action, then maybe he’ll get some single action pump from his other, more metaphorical, penis.
Over on the far side of town, on a backroad at two in the morning, Tara describes her car accident to a female cop, which means describing the “crazy ass motherfuckin’ Paul Bunyan pig” and the naked woman. The cop, Kenya, doesn’t believe her in the least bit, and Tara tries to plead on behalf of her excellent driving skills. In Tara’s defense, there really isn’t any way to prepare for some crazy white chick naked in the road, with a giant state fair hog. Kenya thinks Tara’s drunk, and asks if Tara would mind a sobriety test, to which she responds, “Hell naw, bring it.” Ah, we missed Tara sooo much. Kenya gives her the foot off the ground test, and Tara manages to stare for a second before asking if they can try again. Presumably, she was having some difficulty locating her feet. Kenya tells her she’s turning into Lettie Mae, and that warrants a big “Fuck you!” from Tara, who asks to go home next. Instead, it’s into the cop car or cop SUV and off to jail.
In Jason’s basement, there’s a big pile of visceral glop where Eddie used to be, and most of it is tangled up in a lawn chair. Poor Eddie, but… ewww. Jason circles the chair, as Amy descends the stairs with a bucket, and a mop, and some towels. Jason, spouting profanity, jumps all over Amy’s crazy ass, and she in turn tells him that there was no other outcome for the situation. Why the argument? Why not kick the crazy hippie psycho out now? Well, because she’s pretty, of course. She thrusts the towel at him and orders him to clean up, to which he responds with a hollered “Yankee bitch!” and Amy’s comeback is “dumb fuckin’ hillbilly”. Sorry Amy, your social slur is geographically incorrect. We in the deep south are not referred to as hillbillies; that would be the mountain or hill folk, located further north, such as in Virginia, and the Carolinas. Try again, Yankee bitch!
Jason attempts to clean up the goo, but begins to retch. In his moment of weakness, Amy pounces, with spiels of “it’ll be all right, we just have to keep our shit together”. No, Jason, don’t keep your shit together! Keep your shit far from hers, and put her shit in a garbage bag, in the front yard. Jason’s meager conscience once again lifts its little head, and Jason shocked, mutters that they killed a man. Amy whines like a dog, and tells him that Eddie was not a man, that he was already dead, a vampire, and not to let a vampire come between them. Without Eddie there to plead his case, Jason submits to the leash and collar once more, and allows himself to be tethered to the idea that what he and Amy have is “beautiful”. And this is while they clean up a puddle of vampire. Mhm.
Sookie sits alone at the table the next morning, reading the uhm, phone book, I guess, and Sam approaches shirtless from the outdoors, to tell her “mornin'” and she directs him to the breakfast in the oven. She asks about Tara, and Sam still hasn’t heard from her. Sookie admits that she’s tired of sitting around waiting to be killed, and Sam floods the table with testosterone, though his shirt is now on, he assures Sookie that no one will strangle her while he’s there. Sookie tells him he can’t be there all the time, but Sam disagrees. Actually, he’d quite enjoy following Sookie around like a dog on a leash, and might even do so occasionally, as a dog on a leash. She shrugs him off, and tells him she wants to find the killer herself, before he finds her “again”. Sam asks is she’s looking up local murderers in the Yellow Pages, to which she responds with a sarcastic laugh, and tells him she remembers what the victim in the killer’s thoughts was wearing.
Between the two of them, they discover the girl was Cindy, and she worked at Big Patty’s Pie House. Sookie wants to go, but she tells Sam that he doesn’t have to. He wants to anyway, obviously, since he’s had a hard on for Sookie since day one. Sam tells her to eat so they can go, and she complies. Back at Jason’s, bits of Eddie are being poured down the sink disposal by Icky Amy. Jason comes up, and she asks if he’s going to work, receives no response, but continues with the small talk until Jason sweeps all the v-juice out of the fridge, into the trash and smashes it on the counter. Jason tells her that they are finished with “this stuff” and that he wants every drop out of his house, and that if she doesn’t like it, she can pack her shit and get out too. Go Jason, you tell that Yankee bitch! He walks off, slams the door, and Amy pouts, and sniffles before mumbling “Love you.” Aww, well, tough shit princess.
At Merlotte’s, Lafayette paints his toenails a deep red at the bar, while half watching the TV. Senator David Finch declares that he’s against vampire rights, because their blood turns the youth into homosexuals and delinquents, they steal the country’s women, etc. Lafayette turns four shades of pissed off. Why? Don’t you remember Senator Finch? He was the white guy that Lafayette serviced the other day, when he came looking for V Juice. Mhmm. Can I have Crooked Politicians for 800, Alex? Lafayette curses the television and asks Terry Bellefleur across the bar, if he heard what Finch said. Terry tells him he can’t listen to politicians anymore, or he gets a seizure. The announcer says that Finch will be in Monroe this evening, and Lafayette says, “That’s good to know.” Uh oh, looks like our dead sexy gay man is about to start some shit with the senator. Terry worriedly asks if he can change the channel and does so, just as Amy is arriving. Lafayette asks her what’s going on with Jason, since she looks a little “used up”. The phrase is “rode hard and put away wet” if you ask me. She tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Lafayette asks Terry why everyone’s lying to him, and Terry says he doesn’t know, and to look at the amazing shelves on TV. Lafayette says they’re “pretty” and asks if Terry will work for him tonight.
Elsewhere, off I-49 at Big Patty’s Pie House, Sookie and Sam are told by a young waitress, Harley, with a monotone voice that she doesn’t know of any Cindy but that she recommend about 9,000 different flavors of pie. Before she can recite the entire menu, an old black man named Buster speaks up, and tells Harley that they’ll have a peanut butter slice, and some pineapple concoction. Harley grins and says “Gotcha, Buster,” before scooting off to fill their order. Surprised, Sam and Sookie go off to talk to Buster, who says they won’t get anything out of Harley, since she’s new. They ask if he knew Cindy, and he tells them a little, that she moved into town with her brother a couple of months before “somebody murdered that little gal”. He tells Sookie and Sam that Cindy was strangled, and that her brother was gone by the time the police came round, and most figured either he did it, or he was killed too. Her brother’s name was “Drew Marshall”. Buster also tells them that people talked about Cindy, because she “carried on wit ta’ vamp’rs”, but that he didn’t believe it, offending Sookie by stating “what kinda woman would do such a thang?” Sam puts a hand on Sookie’s shoulder to settle her, as Buster complains about being giving the wrong kind of pie. Sookie and Sam now have “a name”.
In jail, Tara pleads with her mother on the phone, telling her about being in an accident, and drunk, and arrested. Her mother cries, while Tara tries not to. Outside, Jason is trying to get his friends on the road crew to go out with him that night. Hoyt is off to a baby shower, because he actually likes to go, “the food is good, the games are fun,” and so on. All righty then. Jason turns to Rene but he’s going out on a date with Arlene; Jason wants to come with, but Rene looks at him like he’s crazy, and tells him nah. Jason pouts and says “Fuck it” and that he’ll party on his own. Hoyt brings up the million dollar question: Why does he want to go out when he’s got such a pretty girl at home? Well, there are the obvious reasons, such as she’s a psychopath, a drug addict, a pseudo-intellectual, a hippie, and worst of all, has very bad taste in clothing. Instead of lying, Jason tells them the truth, that Amy likes V. Hoyt tells Jason he has to help set her straight, and Rene asks if she sleeps with vampires too. Jason tells him that she says she never did, but that he doesn’t really know if she’s telling the truth. Hoyt asks if Jason loves her, and Jason says yeah, but he doesn’t like the deal with V juice. He thinks aloud that she might already be gone after their big fight, but if she isn’t maybe he should dump her. Yes, yes, yes, dump her, please!
Right on schedule though, the friendly bad advice comes pouring in from Hoyt, and Rene both. Hoyt tells him that Amy’s the kind you keep, and Rene tells him he has to try to work it, but to go and get drunk first. Oh joy. The menfolk hug, and congratulate one another on their cleverness. At the Bunkie police station, Sam and Sookie are looking for information about the murder of Cindy Marshall. Sookie picks up on the thoughts of the cop, and tells Sam to be patient with him, because he “don’t think so clear”. However, when the officer spies vampire bite marks on Sookie’s arm, he is anything but helpful. He indirectly calls Sookie white trash, since he suspects Cindy was killed by a vampire, and he also suspects Sookie is a fangbanger like Cindy was. Sam calls him out, but Sookie cools the situation down a bit, and asks nicely for a picture of Drew Marshall. The officer tells him the photo is in storage and it would take months to find it. Sookie politely mentions with a big smile that they’ll go to the library, find his home address, and talk to his wife about Debbie, the woman from church that he’s sleeping with.
The cop’s attitude changes drastically, and suddenly, he’s all smiles and charm. He offers to fax the picture to the station in Bon Temps, and after exchanging pleasantries, Sam and Sookie take off. Meanwhile, Senator Finch is shaking hands with other politicians in Monroe, when Lafayette, looking fabulous and very fatale in a suit, steps out of line to shake the senator’s hand, and offer some words of inspiration. The senator, shocked to the core, twitches a little and poses for a quick photo with Lafayette, who thanks him for his illustrious views of vampires and gays, and warns him to be careful, since so many things can happen to damage a politician’s career. Oooh, better watch your back, you old bastard! At Jason’s house, he comes home to find a big candlelit dinner waiting for him, and a timid, perhaps sincerely sorry Amy waiting for him. Jason tells her the reason he came home so late, was because he didn’t want to come home to find her gone.
Amy tells him that she wants to be with him, but Jason tells her she “can’t stay if…” and she tells him that she did what he said, and got rid of the V, that it was all her fault, and that she’s sorry. The two hug, and Amy promises to “make it right”. Out in the woods that night, Bill sits with a pack of TruBlood and waits for Jessica to pop out of the ground. When she does, she’s dirty as hell, and howling for him to help her. Egads, have some dignity! Sam and Sookie are driving back to Bon Temps presumably from Bunkie, the same night, and discussing how “not simple” Sam is. Sam disagrees that he’s more complex than anyone else, claiming he just wants a good life, and a good woman. Sookie asks about his feelings for Tara, and Sam tells her that he’s trying to love her, but she won’t let him. Sookie tells Sam that Tara can’t help it, because of the way things have been for her. Sam tells Sookie that he understands, that he’s not so easy to love either, and she tells him he’s wrong. Startled somewhat, Sam asks for clarification, but doesn’t get it. It’s a universally accepted principle that, to ask a woman to explain herself, is like asking water to stop being wet.
Sam asks Sookie if she loves Bill, and Sookie tells him she thinks so, but “where is he?” She speculates that if vampire politics are more important than she is, … and then… “I dunno”, but that she’s also so mad at him she could spit. Right, so, Bill practically being dragged away by Eric, Pam, and Cho was just him wanting to go participate in a vampire club meeting? Hello! He’s being punished for murder, you stupid dingbat! If Sookie could be a little more self centered and inconsiderate, I, personally, will have a coronary episode. Here’s Bill, risking life and limb and soul to be with her, and Sookie thinks he’s just off having fun and politic’in’ it up with other vamps. Jeeez-us. Sam encourages this of course, because he wants to get in Sookie’s pants. She apologizes for making him drive so far, but he shrugs it off. Sookie tells him that one day, when all the weirdness is over, that she and him are going to go to the beach in a convertible, to bake in the sun, inevitably be diagnosed with skin cancer, all that fun stuff. Sam tells her it’s a date; oh goodie.
At Jason’s house, he’s just finished dinner and complimented the cook when Amy says she wants to show him something and that he has to promise not to be mad. As if we couldn’t guess what she has stashed away? Oh indeed, one drop of V. Jason is fully pissed off anyway, but Amy, ever the compromising addict declares that she wants symmetry, balance, harmony, bla bla bla. Basically, she wants to do it one last time. Jason reluctantly agrees, and the two swap both spit and the last drop of V. Meanwhile, Jessica is wandering through the woods sniffing the trees looking quite the lunatic, while Bill follows behind, trying to explain the transformation process. The obnoxious twit tells Bill to take her home or her daddy will kick his ass, but Bill grabs her, sits her down, and explains as best he can. Jessica pesters him with “why?” at the end of each of his statements. Instead of being forlorn and wistful, Bill gets a “Yeehaw!” and a little jig for his trouble.
He follows her and again tries to tell her that there are rules. While Bill tries to explain to Jessica that there’s more to being a vampire than being able to cuss, not sit like a lady, and killing anyone she wants, Jessica starts to whine. Bill tries giving her TruBlood but she spits it out, and goes on a tirade about how much Bill “sucks”. As Jessica starts to bawl, Bill gets that, “Oh my god, it’s a teenager” twitch in his eye. At the Bon Temps jail, Tara is sitting, thinking about how idiotic she looks in an old prom dress, when Kenya tells her she has a visitor. It’s Lettie Mae, and she isn’t bringing good news. Lettie Mae tells Tara that she isn’t bailing her out, and she can’t come home, because Tara is changing into something else. Basically, a stone cold mean ass bitch. Tara brings her mother to tears, and turn her back on her. Jason and Amy wake up, kiss, and start jumping on the bed and playing because they’re high as hell, and in their trip, it’s raining in their room. The walls melt away, and they begin running and skipping outside.
Someone creeps through the house, and finds Jason and Amy laying beside one another, sleeping. He takes off his belt, wraps around Amy’s neck, and strangles her. In Jason’s dream, or their shared hallucination, Amy disappears into the sky as Jason lifts her up. Jason wakes up, finds her dead, and begins to cry. He sits up, calls 911, and tells the operator to send someone out there. At Fangtasia, Bill appeals to Eric about what a pain in the ass Jessica is. Jessica says she doesn’t want to stay with Bill, that he’s a “dick, dick, dick, dick” but that she thinks Eric is cute. She asks to sit in his lap, Eric says no, and Jessica exclaims that they’re “fuckers!” Tested, Eric tells her to sit down, shut up, and close the door. Jessica obeys with a pout. Bill tries to tell Eric about “urgent matters” that need his attention, and Eric correctly guesses that he means Sookie. Bill almost threatens Eric, worried that his time away may have instigated an attack on Sookie, but Eric gives him the evil eye.
Eric says, “what?” in that, “I’ll get medieval on your ass” way of his, and Bill squirms a little like a kicked puppy. Jessica starts making a racket and banging on the door, and Bill appeals again, telling Eric he would basically, owe him one. Eric eyes the nuisance of a female, and tells Bill “most definitely”. At the jail, Kenya opens Tara’s cell and tells her that a lady paid her bail, and to straighten up, that she doesn’t want to see her there again. Did you get a good look at the crazy lady with the pig? Well, here she is, with clothes on even! She tells Tara that she’s some kind of social worker, her name is Maryann Forrester, and that she works with other drunks and psychos. She offers Tara a ride home, but she declines, and tells Maryann that she was kicked out, and doesn’t want anyone to see her looking like a three dollar hooker with a massive hangover.
The weird pig lady offers Tara a place to stay for a while, until she gets things figured out, and Tara hesitantly agrees. Tara is reluctant to climb into Maryann’s car because she “all dirty”. The weirdo tells her “don’t worry, I get dirty too”. No doubt, wallerin’ around in the mud with pigs on a back country road will get you pretty damn dirty. Andy Bellefleur probably just put himself on the nutcase’s shit list, by hollering at her to move her damn car. Tara and the pig lady drive off, while Andy grumbles about life and escorts Jason Stackhouse into the station. Sookie and Sam are curled up on the couch watching a black and white film, and Sam is laying on the “let’s do it doggie style” vibes pretty thick. The two start making out, when Bill bursts in, and dives for Sam. They fight, and get into it, and Bill hollers at Sookie, who hollers back, and rescinds his invitation. Bill is propelled backward, out of the house. Sookie slams the door in his face and marches off as Bill likewise turns and leaves.
Sam tries to dissuade her from Bill, and asks her how she can be with Bill, but Sookie tells him off too, and leaves him sitting like a moron. Tara and Maryann arrive at the huge mansion, plantation style home where the crazy pig lady lives. Tara, in awe and nervous, follows Maryann to the door. Odd how someone as easily offended by racism and slave topics as Tara is, would even go near a plantation home without any snotty remarks, but they go in and the nutcase closes the door, with some finality, behind them. Jason sits, melancholy in front of Andy as he spouts on about how he knew it was Jason all along. Sheriff Bud Dearborn sits by with his coffee, and tries to reel in Andy a little bit, encouraging the now meek Jason to tell them what happened. Jason tells the cops honestly, that he doesn’t know how or why he did it, but they keep dying all around him, so it must be his fault.
Andy accuses Jason of killing his grandma again, but Jason vehemently denies that he could ever hurt her. Andy complains about the absence of actual facts, and Jason tells him that’s all he’s got. He pleads with Bud and Andy to lock him up so that he doesn’t hurt anyone else. Andy denies, and says that he wants facts first, but Bud steps in and tells Andy to go ahead and lock him up anyhow. Jason willingly heads off to a cell. As he’s led back, a fax comes in with a photo of Drew Marshall. It’s a picture of Rene. The receptionist, busy gossiping, piles a bunch of stuff on the faxes, and buries the important clue beneath more paperwork. Uh oh. That’s where they leave us! Damn! Till next time.