We open up on Sookie, still in Bill’s doorway, being accosted by the baldheaded, tattooed, tongue-happy vampire, the black vampire that died in and refuses to leave the 70’s, and their good friend, the swanky looking fellow over her shoulder. While they’re laying on the charm, it occurs to Sookie that they might be trying to glamour her, and when she asks, they confirm it was their intent to do so. But the poor baldheaded guy is a bit slow, so he requires some extra explanation. Before Sookie can indulge the bald vampire, Bill calls for them to let her in, from somewhere in the house. We get an absolutely dandy look into Bill’s love life, when Pam Grier wannabe says, “Fuck him,” and the sleazy fellow behind her says, “You have.” Bill just became less attractive with the revelation that he has absolutely no taste. The particularly unattractive circus sideshow cast back away and let Sookie in as if this was just an unfortunate part of their plan that had been there all along.
The unfortunately retro vampire we discover, is Diane, and apparently, during her transition from human to vampire, she not only acquired a stagnant fashion sense, but also a case of occasional Down Syndrome; her laughter and clapping as they lead Sookie in is reminiscent of looking over at the Special Ed table in a school cafeteria. Bill just lost a few more attractiveness points, eek! Once in the house, Sookie discovers a girl on the couch who looks… very unhealthy, and on the couch across from her, is an extra from The Birdcage with Robin Williams. While the vampires gather around Sookie and discuss how yummy she smells, Bill sits in the corner, perhaps pondering the meaning of life. It’s not until the frighteningly unfashionable Diane is about to bite her that Bill asserts himself aggressively with a sudden shout, “Sookie is mine!” Oh boy… how endearing.
Theme song! The opening credits are so much fun, honestly. If you can be dancing around the living room, then you’re probably enjoying all the bizarre images in the introduction. My favorite few seconds is probably that slow motion dip the redneck girl does up against her Billy-Bob looking boyfriend. There’s nothing sexier than a big southern redneck, yum. If you have a favorite scene in the credits, let me know! Just describe it in the comments down below.
After the revelation that Sookie belongs to Bill, the vampires push her away a bit roughly, as if the realized she was merely the parsley on the dinner plate, and go back to their own toys. The boy toy, Jerry, straight from a gay strip club is shown off, and compared to “mad money”, by the other two vampires; actually he’s more like Monopoly money, rainbow colored and fabulous. Meanwhile the bald vampire exclaims that someone needs to “get down on my Johnson,” and the sickly looking woman, no doubt in charge of buffing his head as well, somehow summons the energy to go blow him. Sookie looks like she’s about to puke on Bill’s vintage rug, but Diane interrupts by pointing out that Bill is hungry, and questions Sookie as to why she isn’t over there letting him bleed her too. Before Sookie can join willing or unwilling into the love fest, the swanky gay-ish vampire offers Jerry up for Bill.
But before Bill can even take a bite, Sookie overhears Jerry getting all giddy about the prospect of Vampire Bill getting Hep D from biting him. Uh oh! Sookie hollers for him to stop, and Jerry jumps her, and starts choking her out. Apparently, Jerry’s ex, Marcus, got hooked on V-juice, and went off to the vampires where he was killed later. Before Sookie can be choked to death, Bill hops up and breaks his arm. Meanwhile, the baldheaded vampire blows his load on or in the barely living blood slave on her knees in front of him; with any luck, she’ll be able to survive off of whatever vampire semen is for another couple of days. The gay-ish vamp, Malcom, tosses the unconscious Jerry over his shoulder, and they make to leave before Diane raises the question as to how Sookie, the “bitch” knew Jerry was infected. Bill however, is on the ball with a snappy answer; he claims she can’t talk after being choked. Diane offers to lend a hand torturing the truth out of her, but Bill gives her a quick dismissal. The funky bunch leave with their half-alive pets in tow.
Bill and Sookie have a quick discussion afterwards; she asks what Hep-D is again, and Bill explains that it’s a mutation of Hepatitis that doesn’t effect humans, but makes vampires weak for a month, making them easier to capture and kill in that time period. Naturally, Sookie is also pissed about the “Sookie is mine!” declaration, but Bill also explains that had he not asserted that Sookie was his own personal property, the vampires would have done whatever they wanted with her. Then she asks what we’ve all been wondering about: “…you and Diane dated?” to which Bill responds that yea, they had sex just after she was made vampire in the 1930’s. So, apparently Diane is stuck in the 70’s and has no excuse. Sookie’s response is the same as mine: “Gross!” Bill explains that the reason Malcom’s little club is full of assholes, is because they’ve shared a nest over the years, and by ostracizing themselves from humanity, became antisocial as well as sociopathic. He also explains that since he lives alone, and is even more antisocial, that’s the reason he’s such a charmer; by living alone he is a little more human. Sookie gives him the information for his home renovations, and attempts to run off, but Bill wants to kiss her, and she barely represses an “Ew!” face. She tells him, “No, I couldn’t stand it after them,” the equivalent to the, “You’re a nice guy, but your friends are dicks,” speech.
Meanwhile, back at Merlotte’s. it’s closing time. Dawn is on her way home, and Tara, not in the mood to deal with her drunk mother, shares a beer with Sam. The two discuss Sookie’s involvement with “that vampire”, Bill, his interest in her, and Sookie’s Gran’s odd approval of the blossoming romance. Tara touches on Sam’s thing for Sookie, and despite his attempt to shut her up, the two end up talking about it anyway. Sam even tries to compare his attraction to Sookie to Tara’s longstanding fascination with Jason, but she says she prefers Jason’s unattainability to actually being with him. Sam goes on to explain that the reason Sookie’s so into Bill, is because she can’t hear his thoughts, and Tara remarks that, in that case, he has no chance with her. Sam argues that he’s invited her to listen to his thoughts, but Tara says that it’s not the same, because Sookie doesn’t want to listen, and having to work on not hearing is a strain, so that when Sookie is able to just relax with Bill is comforting. Sam invites Tara to go on home, but she lingers anyway.
Dawn is on her way home, and quite happy with herself, believing Jason to still be tied to her bed. But uh oh, looks like Jason’s escaped, and a masked man in a rather feminine robe sneaks up behind her and puts her in a headlock! Oh no! What’s a slut to doooo?! The heavy breathing, raunchy voice is reminiscent of Kiss the Girls, as he starts getting nasty with poor Dawn, even more so when he takes off his mask; finding out the masked, girly-robed creep is just Jason, is just like finding out that the killer in the film is just Cary Elwes. We can’t think of Jason as anything but a sweet little blonde puppy dog of a man, just like we can’t think of Cary Elwes as anything but the pretty boy from The Princess Bride. Of course the two laugh it off, and have some nice makeup sex. Freaks.
Sookie, home from Bill’s, is all sad because … well, I guess because she found out Bill screwed Diane almost a hundred years ago. Which is pretty upsetting, to Sookie’s credit. Bill arrives as Sookie approaches her house, and the two commence in a heated debate, first about the mechanics of vampire existence, then her own; magic being the explanation for their body’s function. Sookie then makes the “Your friends are such dicks that I think we’re breaking up” part 2 of the earlier “Your friends are dicks” speech, not only because Bill is dead walking, or because his friends are dicks, but because she suspects vampires are to blame for the death of Reverend Newlin, as well as his wife and baby daughter. Bill counters with logic, and like any typical woman, Sookie blows him off, and goes up to bed, leaving Bill knowing he was right, and most likely with blue balls, or at least the vampire equivalent
While Sookie tosses and turns about what a shitty boyfriend Bill is, Sam and Tara discuss how much it sucks to be Tara; she bares some of her baggage about her alcoholic mother. Soon the two are commiserating about being young and unlaid, and Tara suggests they have some no-strings-attached sex. Sam reluctantly agrees, but sooner than later he gets pretty enthusiastic after all. Meanwhile, Jason and Dawn are going at it like rabbits, until somehow, Jason visualizes the yucky bald vampire’s face where Dawn’s should be. And that’s all it takes; welcome to Lake Flacid. Dawn asks what the problem is, and Jason says he hates that she’s been with a vampire. Dawn stumbles a little and mentions it was the best sex she ever had, and uh oh, the shit hits the fan! Jason’s wounded pride grabs his foot, and stuffs it into his mouth, when he calls her a ‘lyin’ sack of shit’. Dawn tells Jason he needs to leave, he refuses, and she wanders off, claiming to be getting a cigarette; if so, that cigarette looks the most like a revolver than anything Marlboro’s ever made. Maybe it’s a new line of Newports? Jason laughs up until Dawn shoots a hole in the floor, then he’s on his feet faster than a two bit whore after she wipes her mouth. Dawn doesn’t feel like waiting, so she shoots another hole in the floor, and Jason decides, pausing to puts his pants on isn’t necessary, as he hurtles out of the house, remarking to the nosy lady down the way that her neighbor’s a “crazy bitch!”
After Jason has his own private little conniption fit in his truck, we cut back over to Bill’s porch, and inside his house, where he reads quietly. He stands with a bolt, and it’s only Sookie, standing in a white nightgown, looking positively virginal, and a bit shocked. Bill tells her never to sneak up on a vampire, and that launches Sookie into an explanation as to why she’s a virgin, and why she wants Bill to relieve her of it; primarily because she’d like to relax and get a good night’s sleep. She sounds more like a guy than a horny virgin! But oh well, it’s just a dream; Sookie is actually still in bed, with a hand under the covers. At least until she sees Tina, the cat watching, before she says, “Stop that!” as if it’s the cat’s fault she was fornicating with her hand. A quick cut over to Sam’s trailer, where Tara is woken by Sam’s weird, dog noises, made in his sleep. Instead of telling him to shut up and throwing a squeaky toy at him however, she lightly touches his shoulder, and presumably, tries to sleep again.
Jason comes home, grabs a beer, drinks at least half of it in a solid chug that would have frat boys clapping and cheering, before he plops down and turns on the set. Only to find vampires on every channel; he turns off the set, and probably vows to get cable. Meanwhile over at Malcom’s nest, they stoically mourn the loss of Malcom’s boy toy Jerry, whom they’re all currently sipping out of a martini glass, when Bill comes over to visit, as if hanging out in a badly decorated condo with plastic covered furniture and melodrama oozing out of the walls was his idea of a fun time. Diane, for some reason still wearing that shitty outfit, offers Bill some sex while commenting his penis size with no tact whatsoever, after Bill declines a glass of Janella, the bald guy’s icky pet. Bill isn’t interested, and says so by throwing Diane through a flimsy door frame. He caution’s the vampires to stay away from he and Sookie, and threatens to go to higher authorities, namely Erik, or even higher; if you have read the books and know who the mysterious “she” is, like me, don’t tell!
Sam wakes up alone, while Tara is on her way home to her mother’s trailer, where she gets smacked in the back of the head by her mother, in a drunken state because Tara was out all night. Her mother calls her names, and tries to hit her again with the book; Tara dodges, and her mother threatens to kick her skinny ass, after Tara tries to “sass the Lord.” Tara tells her she can’t even stand, and calls her a “pathetic, ugly old bitch.” After her mother goes silent, Tara attempts to help her mother stand, and take her to get cleaned up, but her mother hits her in the face with a bottle, and Tara makes the decision to leave her mother where she sits.
Sookie is moving the lawn, vigorously, when her grandmother brings her some lemonade, and they stop to talk. Sookie tells Gran she needs to stay busy, and think less about Bill, and Gran asks if Bill’s done anything wrong. Once again, as a typical female, it dawns on Sookie that Bill hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Big surprise. Sookie explains that she’s trying to use common sense, but that she’s also lusting after Bill; at least in the most subtle way possible, she’;s talking to her grandmother, after all. Sookie tells her that she’s not sure whether to follow her head or her … “heart,” Gran supplies.
Tara heads over to Lafayette’s house for some sympathy, which comes in the form of two pills from a multicolored cache of capsules in a sandwich baggy, taken with a shot of vodka, and some weed. Tara invites herself to stay there for a while, despite Lafayette playing the trade of manwhore and drug dealer to the town. Amidst a discussion of getting ahead, and Lafayette’s business ventures, Tara spills that she slept with Sam, and that he barks in his sleeps. Lafayette states the obvious; “White folk is all fucked up,” and can we get an Amen?!
Over at Sam’s, the local collie dog comes to visit while Sam reads the paper, discovering that a Starbucks is coming to Marthaville, and expresses his desire for any of those “badass vampire killers to come take care of Mr. Bill Compton.” Sam plays with his friend, and back at Gran’s, Sookie also remarks that a Starbucks is coming to Marthaville, to Gran. Gran wonders aloud the same thing most of us are thinking; “Why would anyone pay $3 for a cup of coffee with too much milk in it?” Gran and Sookie discuss her hesitation to date Bill because she’s a little afraid of not knowing what he’s thinking. Gran tells Sookie about her grandfather, that Gran suspected had the same ability, and how his brother almost killed himself, but her grandfather managed to talk him out of it. Gran expresses that she thinks God makes everything the way it is for a reason, whether it was granting Sookie a special ability, a vampire, or allowing the distribution of overpriced coffee (though we all suspect the machinations of Starbucks to be the work of someone a little further south). Before Sookie leaves she remembers that her great uncle actually did kill himself, but Gran just shrugs it off, because it was a few years later.
Jason is now banging on Lafayette’s door, and though Lafayette is pleased to see that Jason has finally embraced a more colorful universe, Jason reels at Lafayette’s gold pants. Jason awkwardly asks Lafayette if he can sell him any Viagra, and since he doesn’t have any, he suggests something a bit stronger, and more expensive. Lafayette sells V-juice, oh no! Jason is a little hesitant, but ultimately decides to try it out, but wait, boys and girls, –he still has to pay for it! And to the tune of Soccer Practice, by Gay Pimp, –totally hot song to wiggle in your undies to, –Jason Stackhouse dances in a mask, and panties for his V! While Tara watches with a quiet “what the fuck?” behind the bead door.
Sookie heads over to Bill’s house, to first peek in the window, before sitting on the porch, where she had just started to masturbate before her phone rings. Sam wants her to head over to Dawn’s house and wake her up, because she’s late for her shift. Sookie heads over to Dawn’s despite being rudely interrupted, and when she receives no answer to her knock, finds the door unlocked, and goes inside. The alarm is going off, and Dawn is sprawled out on her bed, dead as a doornail; Sookie screams, and we fade out to end credits!
