How to Survive the Vampire Apocalypse
Zombies? Pht. Who gives a shit? They’re universally retarded, and most seem to agree that they move with the speed of continental drift, and hey, even if they are fast, they are still brain dead. A vampire apocalypse is way more scary because now we are talking intelligence. There are some problems though: what sort of scenario would have to be introduced in order for a vampire takeover? The death of natural enemies? Let’s say for example, deforestation finally concludes with the extinction of vampire virus inhibitors… big ones: werewolves, and other animal-based creatures that hunt vampires and er… eat them?
Whatever, the backstory doesn’t matter that much. And we are not talking Stakeland here, people! Those supposed “vampires” were really just zombies with big teeth. The effect was totally the same.
Picture it like this: you’re working quietly in your cubicle, i.e., playing Facebook games, texting, and trying to look busy while you’re basically abusing the Internet on your company desktop. It’s a stormy day and the Internet keeps going out so you’re more irritated with your job than usual since it’s not providing you with workplace distractions and free slots games. It’s quiet, it’s raining and it’s darker than it should be, but you’re sort of into the cave-like atmosphere in your office right now.
And since you’re in fairly contented state of mind, you are in direct violation of the laws of the universe: your boss appears in the entrance to your cubicle and stares at you. Usually he’s a regular asshole, but today, he’s more annoying than usual.
You don’t have time to notice anything, because suddenly he’s on you like one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls, –only in better health, –and he’s looking for something to bite, spraying bloody drool all over your face and hands and shirt. What do you have on hand? You’re in a cubicle! Suddenly you realize that this place is a death trap, and everyone else in your office is dead. Now don’t you wish you had prepared for these circumstances?
The only thing even remotely helpful is your stapler, and …yeah, you were basically the equivalent of the final stop on the buffet: cheap frozen yogurt. So how to prepare?
The Top Ten Tools
1. Water – Not holy water, actual water. This is the freaking APOCALYPSE! You’re going to need clean water. You need to stock up on water, and shit you know, food is probably important too. Dehydrated stuff is the best, because you it’s lightweight. I learned this from a survivalist ex: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance. And if you have plenty of water, you have most of what you’ll need for the dehydrated food, except….
2. Fire Making Apparatus – You need lots of butane lighters, and matches, and pretty much anything you can use to make fire fast. Rubbing two sticks together is cool if you’re on a deserted island, but time is of the essence what with the whole, bloodthirsty horde taking over the planet thing.
3. Walkie-Talkies – You might need these if you’re a groupie type. Groups generally fair better, due to the law of averages.
4. Large Sharp Object – Axe, machete, –no swords, unless you’re capableof actually using one. They’re heavy, –if they’re the medieval kind, and if they’re the Japanese variety, then they’re too light, and chances are, you’re not skilled enough to actually remove someone’s head with one. But an axe or a machete…. it’s quieter too.
5. Gun – A gun as a last resort is a good idea, especially if you’d rather eat a bullet than be a vampire or a vampire’s bitch. If these vampires can be taken out by bullets, that’s cool, but you’re probably going to need it to defend your stuff, and your group, from other people.
6. Vampire Defense Apparatus – The typical crap, in mass amounts, –garlic, blessed stuff, crosses and holy water, –not the drinking kind, –stakes, or at least the sort of stuff you make them from. Wood, mainly, but I mean, pool cues and chair legs.
7. Transportation – Motorcycles don’t take as much gas, and they’re faster. Get your group into a sort of motorcade thing, or if you’re a loner, then hey, you’ve got fast wheels that are low maintenance, and you have room for a bird.
8. Armor – You obviously need to protect your skin, specifically your neck, but think helmets, leather, and stainless steel. Scarves are stupid, and they can be used to snatch your ass back into the waiting teeth of a huge, cranky, nasty vampire ready to rip your throat out. Improvise: go to a bondage store or a fetish shop.
9. Good Shoes – It doesn’t matter how fast you run, not really. Only that you can. Ever heard the phrase “bitches be trippin'”? That’s because they do. Chicks die first, 99% of the time, because they’re never wearing good shoes for moving around. Climbing, jumping, running… shit, they trip over air when walking briskly. Do yourself a favor: Don’t trip over your sensible heels when shit gets real. Run in a decent pair of tennis shoes, and don’t fall.
10. Portable UV Lights – Use UV bulbs in your flashlights, find out where those CSI people get their lights, but careful not to get too wrapped into the collection process. If movies and books have taught us anything, it’s that most of the time police stations are already cleaned out by the time you get there, and the people that might be there are always crazy as hell.
Also keep in mind, you need to have maps, pre-planned routes, and several bases set-up, and some idea of destinations where you will be safe and the ability to communicate with settlements or other communities. Don’t get too wrapped up in emotions, but also, don’t be an asshole. Assholes usually die a third of the way through the feature, at the most.
Obviously, you shouldn’t hesitate to destroy any “turned” loved ones, and protect your smart people. They’re valuable. Don’t let your weapons and tech experts get eaten, and don’t hold your bitten girlfriend while she dies. She’s going to eat you dude. So is that pale toddler. Kids are creepy, always, and not to be trusted.