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Take a Bath(ory)

I always hated Valentine’s Day. Many a year I spent single, and Valentine’s was like a slap in the face, the rubbing of some salt into the wound. It was a cruel day. Beyond this, I felt that it was a wholly manufactured holiday, pure commercialism, a day when people—well, men, were forced to spend money and buy crap for their significant others, not because they wanted to, not because they were possessed of a sincere desire to express their affections, but merely because it was expected of them. A holiday of obligation, as hollow and devoid of genuine meaning as the act of paying one’s income taxes. I really believed this, and still believe it. I knew I’d found the perfect woman for me when I fell in love with a babe who felt the same way about Valentine’s as I did/do. Even so, even hating Valentine’s Day, I can get into this.

Porcelain Wolf bath novelties has some Valentine’s stuff for sale that is actually COOL. The cool stuff is selling out fast, though; here’s hoping they restock. The “You Slay My Heart” box comes with little anatomically correct human hearts. D’awww! Now what says “love” more effectively than that? And the “My Bloody Valentine” will let you pretend to be Elizabeth Bathory as it turns your bathwater a rich, bloody red! These are currently out of stock, too, but they still have a few of the “You’re My Type” vampire fangs bath bombs. If you’re one of those guys unfortunately coerced into purchasing things for your romantic companion, or if you, like me, hate Valentine’s and all things Valentine’s-related—these items make for the perfect gift, either for your partner, or for yourself!

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • January 31, 2017

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