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The IT Review That Almost Was

I like to think of myself as a storyteller in the old-school tradition. Like, WAY old-school. I see myself as the guy sitting at the campfire, surrounded by attentive listeners, recounting stories that only I can tell, or telling them in ways that only I can. I like to think I enjoy a certain familiarity with my readers, even though I have no idea who most of you are. I tend to speak to you as I would a fellow member of the village, a fellow campfire-sitter. For that reason, I seldom withhold things of a personal nature, when they are pertinent to the appreciation and the understanding of a story. I think this qualifies, this kernel of information: I have Borderline Personality Disorder. You can google it if you want in-depth details, but the abridgement is that all my emotions are cranked up to eleven. The Billy Joel song, “I Go To Extremes”? That’s me in a nutshell. I don’t get sad, I get despondent. If I’m happy, I’m giddy. And while it takes some time, usually, for me to get really pissed off, once I’m there, it ain’t pretty.

After being away for a week, suffering from jet lag (even though I drove) and the effects of the remnants of Hurricane Irma dumping gallons of water on me to welcome me home (cloudy, dreary weather also tends to provoke flare-ups of my seasonal depression, so there’s that, too), I decided to brave the elements and go see IT, because I’ve been looking forward to it for so long. I really should’ve stayed home. I was already primed for combustion. So when the projector at the theater to which I went started malfunctioning within the first minute of the film, I got annoyed. When someone went and told the employees and they got it working again, only for it to happen again a minute later, I got really annoyed. When it happened AGAIN about five minutes into the movie and I went myself to complain to the employees, and the employee I encountered was a rude little snot who couldn’t have cared less and obviously didn’t even want to be there, well, BOOM. The end result was me chewing the manager out, securing a refund, and storming out of the theater, vowing to never again set foot in the establishment. I did not, as you may deduce, get to see IT. Thus I cannot offer you my review this week. Here is a prank somebody pulled on unsuspecting passersby in Brazil. I offer it as a consolation. My review of IT will be available NEXT week. And yes, I will be going to a different theater to see it.

WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS (,, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced and directed (and occasionally acted in) over a dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and Crime genres. His first novel, THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER: WEREWOLF, is available for purchase here:


TheCheezman • September 17, 2017

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