The Vampire Frappuccino
I don’t even like coffee. Were it not for my having been in the company of others who enjoy the nasty stuff, I would have to this day never set foot in a Starbucks, or been through a Starbucks drive-through. (Y’know, you go into a Starbucks and order a cola, they look at you like you’re glowing green or something.) I’m a sucker, though, for kitschy foodstuffs and hokey seasonal promotions. I love the vampire Frappuccino. I’ve never had one. I doubt I would enjoy drinking one. It just makes me happy that they exist.
Aside from the cherry or strawberry syrup that puts one in mind of blood, however, the vampire Frappuccino does not look particularly vampiric. If Starbucks wants any of my money, they’re going to need to include a special Vampire Frappuccino cup with the purchase. Something cute and kitschy. Replace the mermaid logo with a cartoon Dracula and consider it sold. This article says that the Vampire Frappuccino is only available in England, anyway, so it’s kinda a moot point. Why doesn’t America deserve the vampire Frappuccino? We have just as many vampire enthusiasts as England does. Probably more, as we have a larger population, and the percentage of vampire marks in a given group is relative to its overall population density. What’s up with that, Starbucks? We need Vampire Frappuccinos over here, too, dammit! I demand the same right not to buy one as I’d have across the pond!
WAYNE MILLER is the owner and creative director of EVIL CHEEZ PRODUCTIONS, specializing in theatrical performances and haunted attractions. He has written, produced, and directed (and occasionally acted in) over two dozen plays, most of them in the Horror and True Crime genres. He obtained a doctorate in Occult Studies from Miskatonic University and is an active paranormal investigator. Is frequently told he resembles Anton Lavey. And Ming the Merciless.
Denn die totden reiten schnell!