The Vampire of Alabama
For a while, a few years back, my parents were menaced by a vampire.
Okay, so “menaced” is a strong word. And it wasn’t them in particular who were menaced. It was the people in their neighborhood.
Okay, “neighborhood” is a strong word. My parents live out in the country. WAY out in the country. Other people live there, too. Does that qualify as a neighborhood? Anyway, it was a group of people living in a certain rural geographic area who were menaced by a vampire.
Okay, “vampire” is a strong word. The “vampire” in question was a kid who lived in the trailer they parked down the dirt drive from my parent’s house with his “parents” (I don’t think they were even related and I don’t know the exact nature of their relationship) who liked to get stoned on meth, strip off all of his clothes, paint his face in corpse makeup and prowl the neighborhood, peering in windows and scaring little old ladies.
Did I mention this was in Alabama? The backwoods of Alabama? Yes, it IS a miracle that nobody shot that kid.
I was attending a funeral at my parents’ church, a few miles from their home, one day, standing outside when three cop cars went zipping past at breakneck speed, lights flashing and sirens blaring. “Must be the vampire again,” my father commented dryly. He was right. Another grandma had been startled when the vampire peeped in her window and hissed at her.
I never met the Alabama Vampire. I would have explained to him that vampires aren’t supposed to come out in daylight. (Not quite accurate, I know.) They for sure aren’t supposed to strip off all their clothes to expose themselves even more to the sun. (Tryin’ to convince the kid to cover up, here.) Lastly, I would have cautioned him that, unlike the vampires in the movies, bullets WOULD have an effect on him and he WOULDN’T come back from it if somebody blew him to kingdom come.
The “vampire” eventually moved away. (Actually, they moved the entire trailer.) I sometimes wonder what happened to him. Is he still running around, stoned and naked, peeping at little old ladies?