Ah, I think every devoted Netflix customer might feel some of my pain here, as I cry out, in chorus with my fellow vampire film lovers: Why is it, O Great Organizers of the Netflix Watch Instantly tab, that you pick the worst vampire movies ever, and add them, –instead of the awesome ones? I mean, sure, there are some decent titles in there, but nothing great, –and rarely, are there to be found any decent new releases. I’ve compiled a list below of what I believe to be Netflix’s utter worst available in the ‘Vampire’ horror section, at least, this month. Who knows, next month they may outdo themselves.
1. Vampire Dentist – Vampires occasionally need root canals too; because I guess, a vampire going to a regular dentist would be …bad? Honestly, I don’t think our directors are giving modern dentistry much credit. I’ve seen posters in my dentist’s office that scared me out of soda for life, –vampires? Please.
2. Troma’s Triple B-Header, Volume 5: Alien Blood – only Troma can torture us so exquisitely, with films consistently that are so terrible, we would rather be watch home movies of our root canals. What does alien blood do to a lair of vampires? I dare you to click ‘Play’ and find out.
3. Def by Temptation – In an attempt to amalgamate Def Comedy Jam with Blacula, director ‘James Bond III’ displays a stunning capacity for calamity with this utterly ridiculous film. The film begins with several shocking remarks regarding abortion, and from there on out, spins wildly into insanity as we all watch helpless to do anything, even blink, while we secretly hope Firefox crashes and releases us from torment.
4. Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires – Uh… do I really need to elaborate here? The jewel in the glittery, blood-spattered crown of bad vampire movies, the story follows a female vampire hiding out in the town of, yes, Backwash, from vampire hunters on her trail. The town of Backwash will never be the same.
5. Rockabilly Vampire – Remember the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Remember Meatloaf’s character, Eddie? Now, imagine him thinner, and rocking the whole vampire thing. Yeah, we all want to watch a movie about an Elvis wanna-be vampire, rocking out with a terminal Elvis fan.
6. Bram Stoker’s: To Die For – If Bram Stoker knows about this movie, he’s rolling in his grave. First of all, we have to assume going in, that Stoker even knew there was a magical time and place as 90’s L.A., and that he had some clue as to what a ‘real estate agent’ was. By modern terms, we mean. Anyway, –Vlad’s looking for a castle, in L.A., and some dingy, crisis-prone realtor has to help him look through the classifieds. A banal twist on an old classic.
7. Blood Moon Rising – Ron Jeremy is in this movie. What? You mean, you need more info than that to know that it’s absurdly, stupidly horrible? Do you know who Ron Jeremy is? And you still want to know more? Then watch the movie, but hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.