We open where we left off; a very, very close up shot of Bill slurping and sucking on Sookie’s neck. We’re still being shown Sookie and Bill’s mid-coital mambo, which means more boobs, and a good shot of Bill’s rather feminine butt. Apparently, this is the exact moment of penetration; I suppose to any virgin, having an oversized set of teeth puncture your throat, and suck out some arterial blood is nothing compared to a torn hymen, judging by Sookie’s face. Am I the only one in the audience trying to count the moles on Bill’s back? Before we get to the 20’s, it’s time for the intro song! Bad Things by Jace Everett; I remember hoping the theme song didn’t change for season 2, when I was still watching the first season. Anyone that watches Bleach will understand my anxiety; some shows have a new theme song every five or six episodes.
During the “afterbath”, Bill wipes off the mirror and we can see Sookie behind him; which makes me wonder, I guess out of morbid curiosity, –what exactly do vampires ejaculate? Is it blood? And if so, does it still have the same texture as semen? For all those girls out there fantasizing about blowing a vampire, chew on that; pun most definitely intended. Sookie asks why Bill appears in the mirror and he explains that vampires started most of the myths about themselves centuries ago. Garlic, crucifixes, and holy water, apparently were also myths created by vampires that allowed them to escape detection by humans; if they passed the test of garlic, holy device, or a mirror, then they could convince mortals they were human. While Sookie and Bill have some weird pillow talk, a little baggage surfaces, and we finally see the reason Sookie hates Uncle Bartlett so much; as if we couldn’t guess?
She flashes back to reading her uncle’s icky thoughts about her as she does her homework, as a much smaller child. There’s the inevitable “come sit on my lap” scene, and while the rest of us are choking dinner back down, Sookie tells Bill about her “funny uncle”. Once she’s settled back into Bill’s arms, the rest of us don’t have to be telepathic to catch the murder on his mind. The scene changes to Lafayette, stripping on camera for us; too much sex? Never! Not when you can see Lafayette’s sexy gold thong, and his jeans barely covering his ass. But sadly, the junkie version of Jason is about to ruin it; he comes in the door, just as Lafayette’s pants are coming down, and then we’re cut off! Jason practically begs Lafayette for more V, but Lafayette is cutting him off, since he’s done nothing but get in more and more trouble with the stuff. Jason gets the junkie urge to steal, and goes for Lafayette’s cabinet. But just because our ebony sex god is gay, doesn’t mean those muscles don’t get used.
Lafayette grabs Jason, and restrains him, before throwing him out. Even as he’s leaving, Jason asks for more; Lafayette suggests the morgue before slamming the door in his face. Back at Bill’s house, Bill is letting Sookie in on his big secret, –surprisingly, not a stash of dead telepathic blondes, –but just his sleepy hole. Sookie asks if anyone ever goes down there with him, and he explains that she can’t sleep beside him there. Sookie looks a little disappointed, but they share a good night/day kiss before Bill climbs into his hole under the floorboards to sleep.
We get a close up of a cracked coffee cup being filled with coffee, and then a good helping of “the sauce”; hey! we’d know those debilitating alcoholic tendencies anywhere! We must be at Tara’s house! Sure enough, we hear Tara in the next room, brainstorming ways to cheat on their utility bills until next month. Her mother, Lettie Mae, tells her that she needs $445 to get the demon out of her. Tara tells her they can’t afford it, while Lettie Mae continues speaking neurotically on the subject of the demon. Tara’s mother honestly says, “I fucked up a lot”, in regards to how she raised Tara, and apologizes, before going on to ask Tara for the money, and even saying please as she drinks her spiked coffee. Tara asks her to put down the cup, moves to take it, and some spills; her mother begins sucking the coffee out of her robe and nightgown, while repeating, “it’s the demon!” and crying. My guess is, it’s the booze.
Back at Sookie’s house, she walks in, still wearing just Bill’s dress shirt, and carrying her nighty over her arm; she hears someone in the house, and cautiously walks into the living room, looking for the source of the noise. Apparently, Jason is there looting the house. He walks in carrying two silver candlesticks, and starts getting nasty after he sees the bite marks on Sookie’s neck. Jason starts spieling on how his own sister is a fangbanger; Sookie compares the gentlemanly Bill who only bit her, to Jason, who slapped her. Sookie scolds Jason for trying to steal the candlesticks, but Jason just brushes past her. As he’s walking by, Sookie tears the paper bag he’s holding apart, and Gran’s jewelry falls to the floor. Sookie looks disgusted at him, accusing him of stealing their dead grandmother’s jewelry, and Jason walks out with the candlesticks still in his hand. Oh well, at least she managed to save her grandmother’s jewelry.
Over at Sam’s place, the collie dog lays in the parking lot, while inside, Bill smashes himself with a screwdriver while fixing up the fold out table in the tiny kitchen area of his trailer. During his thorough cursing of his trailer, Tara walks in, and Sam hollers at her for just walking in. They get into a short spat over how she left him sitting at the motel, but that’s just his own anger at himself for being unable to properly use a screwdriver. He tells her to give him one good reason why he shouldn’t just throw her out of his little trailer, and she apologizes, after admitting that she has no social skills, and explains that all her emotional baggage has left her pretty much unfit to be a significant other. Well, with such stunning examples of propriety in her life as her mother, I’m sure it comes as a real shock to hear that someone as sweet and cuddly as Tara is admitting that she’s a bitch.
Sam admits that he’s in a shitty mood because his trailer isn’t exactly getting more attractive and airtight as it ages, which segues into Tara talking about her mother’s weird request. Sam needs to just move on, and get one of those nifty single-wide trailers. Just as they’re patching things up, and moving on to better topics; such as Tara knowing how to tell screwdrivers apart, she gets an unpleasant call on her cell. Apparently, her mama is at the bank trying to secure a loan for her exorcism. We switch over to the scene at the bank, and Tara’s inebriated mother just pulled the, “it’s because I’m black, isn’t it?” card. Uh oh. Then she claims he’s persecuting her because she’s Christian, and then she offers to sleep with him, claiming that despite the “snow on the mountaintop, there’s fire in the valley”. Good god. Tara shows up, and her mother switches over to make the claim that the white devil/Sunday school teacher, is trying to sexually harass her. There’s a loud, alcoholic scene in the bank, while a bunch of old white people watch in horror. Tara almost breaks down, as her mother raves, and takes her home. As her mother heads back to take a nap, or pass out from the exhaustion of being both a drunk and a public nuisance, Tara unearths a stash of money she’d been hiding in the one place her mother would never look: the bottom of a box of Brillo pads.
At Merlotte’s, Sookie is serving food sporting a new fashion accessory; a green handkerchief tied around her neck to hide her bite marks. The camera takes in a few of the locals, before the door swings open and in walks the three annoying rednecks that Lafayette got butch with. Just as Sam is restraining Lafayette from kicking some more redneck ass, Terry Bellefleur lets him know Tara isn’t coming in tonight. Sookie breezes by, all smiles and bounce, trying to cheer Sam up, who is most likely more than aware of what’s going on, as does Lafayette, who playfully teases her. We slide over to see the slutty divorcee, who finally proclaims herself to be named “Randy-Sue”, before she slides out of the story forever, after Jason tells her that he’s going to the vampire bar in Shreveport that night, not Merlotte’s. Randy-Sue, the sweet little venereal grab bag that she is, tells Jason to burn in hell, before hanging up, then making some really attractive faces at the pay phone.
In the kitchen, Lafayette heats a spoon over the flames of the burner, before dropping it in a bowl of chili where it makes a sizzling sound, and asking Terry to deliver the threat of third degree burns to the table of “crackers”. Meanwhile, Sookie’s telling the ditzy Arlene how pretty she looks tonight, while Arlene is somewhat mystified by the “I’m getting laid” happy vibes that Sookie is putting off. Arlene finally picks up on the “not a virgin anymore” signals, and her hopes that it was Sam not the vampire, are quickly dashed. Sookie tells her not to tell anyone. Over at Cracker Central Station, the unlucky fellow with the nuclear spoon jumps up and drops the nigh molten utensil of death, while Lafayette giggles to himself in satisfaction. Naturally, the first person Arlene tells is her boyfriend, Rene, right in front of Sam, who looks like someone just ran over his dog, –despite his blossoming thing with Tara. Arlene, who can always be counted upon to say the stupidest shit you ever heard, worries aloud that Sookie might get pregnant, and not content to let the already asinine first comment rest in peace, audibly contemplates how hard it would be to nurse a baby with fangs.
Sookie, in a perfectly fine mood, is on her way back to the kitchen, when Sam walks up and snatches of the handkerchief that was tied on her neck, and tilts her head to see the marks. In front of the whole bar, he hollers at her, and calls her a damn fool. As if he has any room to talk; as you’ll recall it was Sam who entered the scene of Dawn’s murder to roll in and smell her sheets where she had both died, possibly been raped, and had sex with Jason. Yeah, Sam is a font of practicality. Sookie doesn’t back down though, or get sad; she tells the entire bar, that yes, she had sex with Bill, and “every second of it was great!” with a big smile. Woo, go Sookie! She then tells Sam if he doesn’t like it, he can fire her, smacks him with her tray, and stalks off, knowing full well that Sam’s balls have dissolved in her wake of roaring estrogen.
Jason, meanwhile is walking up to Fangtasia looking nervous, while a sexy, sleek Pam stands at the velvet rope around the entrance, checking IDs. Jason stands before Pam looking pathetic compared to the female vampire, who exudes class, intelligence, and a sense of superiority that she probably earned, literally, by tooth and claw. She inspects Jason’s ID and finds out he’s Sookie’s brother, before asking if the two are at all alike. Jason gives her three different answers, before Pam asks her why he came there; he claims that he’s “one of those open-minded kinda guys”. Pam, obviously unsatisfied, glamours him into telling the truth: “I want some vampire blood”, the follow up being, “What time do you get off work?” Pam looks at him like a bug, before declaring that he’s nothing like his sister, showing off her fangs, and telling him to go in, while probably hoping that he ends up being dog chow by the end of the night, and wishing him luck on actually leaving Fangtasia. Yes Jason, you poor little dingbat, now you’ve really screwed the pooch.
Uncle Bartlett is putting out the garbage in his wheelchair at the rather dirty backdoor of whatever the natural habitat of a pedophile is, when Bill appears before him looking very cranky. Bill tells Uncle Bartlett that he’s “here for Sookie” before taking a big bite of his throat. During all this, Tara and her mother are walking down a dirt road, while Tara complains of mosquitoes, her mother commiserates with her poor sister for having to raise a deviant, i.e., the sexy Lafayette. A black woman emerges from the trees, feigning surprise that the “demon” let Lettie Mae show up. She reveals herself to be Miss Jeanette, and asks if they’re ready, as Tara and her mother leave the road to join the spooky woman with the lantern by the trees. Miss Jeanette warns Lettie Mae that her soul can get “ripped up” and that it’s going to hurt, while Tara looks a bit weirded out; which is only natural, despite the rather white belief that all black people, in Louisiana at least, practice and are familiar with Voodoo.
Tara pays Miss Jeanette, who promises Lettie Mae that the demon will be gone after tonight; Tara is a little anxious, and says so, in her own way, before Miss Jeanette leads the two back into the trees to an old school bus. Inside, the bus is decked out with bones, plants that are growing in from outside, and all kinds of surreal tools of the trade; Miss Jeanette tells Lettie Mae to get undressed. Back at the bar, Sookie is describing sex with Bill, or Bill feeding on her to Lafayette, who admits that he was always too scared to let a vampire bite him, though he never actually denies sleeping with a vampire. Unlike her other coworkers, Lafayette gives Sookie verbal pat on the back for having some outstandingly kinky sex, whereas Sam is jealous because he isn’t hittin’ it.
At Fangtasia, a nervous looking tourist walks up to Eric, who looks like he’s busy with a Gameboy or something, and asks if she can take a picture. He allows it, before Longshadow snatches the phone and smashes it, with a declared “no pictures!”. The girl pouts and Eric explains that he didn’t say she could keep the picture; luckily, it wasn’t an iPhone, so she’ll get over it. The vampires giggle to themselves, while the tourist, looking rattled contemplates, most likely, buying an iPhone, and wanders off. Jason finishes his drink at the bar, and Longshadow returns to ask him what his next drink will be, and just as Jason’s about to cause his own death by asking for vampire blood, some hippy girl drags him away. She explains to him that if he doesn’t shut up, they’re probably going to end up mangled beyond recognition, and indicates she has some V in her bag, before they leave the bar.
Back at Merlotte’s, a now, not-so-happy Sookie delivers a pitcher of beer to the obnoxious rednecks; one wonders what kind of “stupid bitch” would fuck a vampire, and they share in a nasty little laugh. Speak of the devil; the vampire Pam Grier and her good friends stroll in, no doubt to cause some shit in Sam’s bar. Instead of working crowd control however, Bill is busy dumping Uncle Bartlett’s body. Sam attempts to toss the three Goodwill fashion models, but they notice Sookie, and that she’s no longer “Little Miss Hold-Out”. Malcolm states his desire to “play”, and Bill, who just tossed Uncle Bartlett’s body into hopefully, what is not a source of drinking water, gets a flash news alert from the Sookie center of his brain, before he’s off. Terry Bellefleur, always ready for a fight, is the first to rush into the fray, and get knocked back, then followed by Sam, who ends up pinned by the bald vampire. Bill shows up then, and demands an end to the fight.
Bill asks what the three want, and Malcom, who barely pulls off gay, claims that his pretend feelings are hurt because Bill never called back. The icky Pam Grier vampire gets touchy feely on Bill, and even her huge earrings seem to be screaming, “fuck me! fuck me! fuck me!” while she, as pornographically as possible, asks him to join their “nest”, which shatters any actual sensuality in the scene because it’s sort of something Big Bird from Sesame Street would say if he was a hooker. Bill shocks us all by agreeing, and totally rejecting Sookie, who was in such a good mood earlier, and claiming that he should be with his own kind, despite that he doesn’t shop for clothes at the Dollar General. Bill abandons Sookie with his nasty friends, and they wander off to go have a big orgy full of fluids, while the entire bar now looks at Sookie like she’s a total moron.
Jason stands outside a gas station with his new friend, who introduces herself as Amy Burley, from Connecticut, who doesn’t yet have that junkie gleam in her eye, but instead, spiels a diluted Hunter S. Thompson diatribe about how the setting for V is very important. Jason, social genius that he is, claims to be a doctor, and with what is practically sacrilege, the Yankee bitch hollers “Yeehaw!” as the two speed off to Jason’s house to do some illegal drugs. Yeehaw! indeed. Back at the Magic School Bus, Miss Jeanette lays rocks on Lettie Mae’s exposed skin, while Tara looks on in doubt, asking the woman where she learned to do the voodoo that she do so well. Tara is starting to get riled up with all the weirdness, but eventually, she settles down. Miss Jeanette pulls away a burlap cloth and reveals a possum in a cage; Tara objects, “Hell no!”, but Miss Jeanette explains that when the demon leaves her mother it will need a new body. Miss Jeanette places a big rock on Lettie Mae; the sacred ‘Crone Stone’ as she calls it, and begins chanting.
Lettie Mae begins gasping and convulsing, while Tara sits on, half in disbelief, the other half pretty scared; the woman bids the demon to “depart” and Lettie Mae stops screaming. The possum starts screaming, and Miss Jeanette puts the cage in a big old tub of water to drown it, while Tara looks on wide eyed in shock. The scene changes, and back in the store room, Arlene comforts Terry, who sits on the floor, upset that he couldn’t do anything to help anyone. Poor Terry Bellefleur just needs some lovin’ is all. The obnoxious rednecks meanwhile, having seen Batman one too many times, are beginning to get vigilante ideas, which are spreading to the other patrons. Sookie, who once in a while, can be quite witty, says in response to one redneck’s statement that normal people don’t fuck “dead things”, that if he messed with Bill Compton he “will be a dead thing”. Woot, go Sookie! She appeals to Sam, who flat out doesn’t care, but Sookie realizes that Bill was just getting the vampires out of the bar; meanwhile some patrons are thinking that Sookie is the cause of the vampire problem.
At Jason’s house, he and his new hippy friend compare their education; Amy dropped out of college after studying philosophy, and Jason went to Vo-Tech. He probably got the better education, since Jason’s the one with an actual job, not flouncing around doing god knows what for money. While the two discuss literal and figurative lockjaw, Amy sets up their V scenario with plenty of hippy paraphernalia, including candles, and Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies. Ironic soundtrack, since these two are actually junkies, –and she tries to sell this poor simple Christian boy on her hippie beliefs about “Gaia” and such, before whipping out her drugs. It’s everything your grandmother warned you about, and a bag of chips. Amy also teaches Jason a new word; “coagulating”, as she uses aspirin to thin out her old vampire blood, which probably resembles crusty old nail polish. She explains the logistics of the blood not getting “all mushy” once it hits the aspirin, by stating that “it wants to be in us”, which of course, completely sells Jason on the idea. She could have told him it was because today, all wet things are dry, and all dry things are wet, and he would have just nodded and gone along with it.
After a short prayer to the stereotypical hippy deity, Jason and Amy snort vampire blood mixed with aspirin with a little straw; funny how you can adapt religion to fit any scenario appropriately, isn’t it? Before the whole Gaia thing, she was comparing it with Holy Communion; the Catholics in the audience might have had a little chuckle off that. After all, if snorting a mixture of vampire blood and aspirin isn’t like church, then what is? While Jason and Amy start to trip on V, Sookie is busy trying to reach Bill to let him know that a bunch of rednecks are going to roast him and his annoying friends. Across town, Jason admires his hand while Amy, clad only in panties, shows us her boobs. Yay, two pairs of boobs in one show! Jason and Amy watch sparks fly out of their skin in the mirror, while back at the Magic School Bus, Miss Jeanette tells Tara that she has a demon too. Tara gets full nasty with her, plenty of profanity, along with a definite “no” about any more exorcisms taking place that evening. Lettie Mae however, is feeling much better, it seems, despite having just witnessed some pretty harsh animal cruelty, and laying underneath a heavy rock for a bit.
Miss Jeanette, con artist or not, describes Tara’s social life pretty well, and tells Tara to find her when she’s ready, before going back inside her bus. Tara leaves with her mother, with plenty of food for thought. At Bill’s house, a concerned Sookie wanders from room to room, looking for her man. She even opens up his sleeping hole, but he isn’t there; not likely, anyway, because it’s still the middle of the night. In the living room, where they made love for the first time, Sookie sits on one of the violated couches looking concerned, and frightened. The next day, the three idiotic rednecks from Merlotte’s gather around outside Malcom’s place with homemade Molotov cocktails, and a half cocked plan to burn the place down. They set the house on fire, but not entirely without incident; one man catches his arm on fire, and the other two have to put him out, before they run off. As the camera zooms out, the screams of the vampires emanate from within the blazing house.
On the lake, Andy and Terry Bellefleur sit out, fishing and talking about life, –general man talk, when Terry gets a weird look on his face, and sits his pole down. He signals to Andy army style, to be quiet, and look in the direction he’s pointing. A man is running naked as a jay bird through the trees, and Andy, shocked, points and hollers, “That was Sam Merlotte!” Terry, not shocked at all, sits back down, looking unconcerned, and says, “Yup, I done that before.” Andy, still freaked out, wonders where he was going, while Terry, half-depressed and fully odd, just says, “Where’s he been, nobody cares.” Andy’s cell phone plays the theme for Hawaii Five-O, and he answers, –the call was no doubt unpleasant, because it’s followed with an “aw shit” from Andy. Back at Bill’s, Sookie wakes up on the couch to the sounds of sirens, –the couch has hopefully been steam-cleaned after what his raunchy friends have been doing on it. She jumps up and checks the hidey hole, but still no Bill. The scene changes over to the burned down house, where cops and firemen have gathered, to make jokes about the dead vampires.
Sookie arrives, and upset, asks if Bill was in there, but Sheriff Bud Dearborn says there was no way of knowing, that it was “awful messy” and that there were four of them. The show ends as we watch them carrying out the coffins. Oh no, is Bill dead?!