We open where we left off in episode 7, with Sookie staring shocked at the four coffins, blackened by the flames that the surrounding firemen have just quelled. Sheriff Bud Dearborn asks Sookie if she’s okay, and if she wants water; she asks if they’re sure, did they find four bodies? Detective Andy Bellefleur says they shouldn’t even be telling her this, but Sookie brushes aside his comments by stating, “not now, not with me”. Andy tries to restrain her as Sookie runs up to check the coffins, and even the coroner warns her that she doesn’t want to come up there. We get a peek inside one coffin, and apparently what happens to vampires when they die, is they turn into bubbling gory blood soup. Sookie runs off, both disgusted and heartbroken, while behind her Andy asks if she’s okay.
Then there’s the theme song! Twangy Jace Everett sings as we wait on the edge of our seat, half wiggling to the song, and half shocked that Bill seems pretty dead. Back at Sookie’s house, she stumbles in, and plops down at the table, and anxiously dials Bill again on her cell phone, but gets nothing but his voice mail. Sookie notices that she tracked mud all over the floor, and scrubs it up, while remembering, troubled by all the death around her, the night she cleaned up her grandmother’s blood. She exclaims “Shit!”, and tosses the rag. Apparently, that spot on the kitchen floor is rather prone to big messes. Back at Tara’s house, Lettie Mae is busy this morning, tossing all her booze hound accessories in the garbage. Tara approaches and discovers that her mother is throwing away bottles half full of liquor! Isn’t there somewhere she can donate those? Sookie could probably use one or two bottles of booze about now, assuming Tara’s mother hasn’t left any backwash in them.
Tara even sniffs her mom’s breath, and surprised to detect maple syrup there instead of booze, she takes her mom’s advice to “check the kitchen”. Apparently, Lettie Mae decided to make a mess of hoecakes, but forgot that she was cooking for two people, and not the whole town. While Tara eats the hoecakes fried in bacon grease, –yum, so this is what a heart attack tastes like!, –Lettie Mae resumes taking out the “devil juice”. A note here; if you know what hoecakes are, usually, they don’t look like white, barely cooked pancakes. Hoecakes are either bread made from milk, self-rising flour, and bacon grease, or scratch pancakes with bacon grease or shortening added to the mix. Anyway! –Tara watches, tickled pink with her mother’s sobriety. Meanwhile, Jason and his new hippie friend, Amy Burley, are laying on his bed, while Jason happily sighs, “God damn”. The two have a post-trip, post-coital chat, and Jason, sweet simple blonde fella that he is, congratulates himself on his huge “organism”. Amy, obviously not an incredibly bright light in the galaxy of intellect, tells Jason that they “tapped” and that she has to get to know the extraordinary old, wise person that Jason is on the inside. Is that her way of saying that she likes guys who browse the Viagra section of the pharmacy?
Jason and Amy roll around for a while, and he suggests they just screw, do V, and never leave the bed until they starve. Amy, who just recently introduced Jason to snorting vampire blood, and is rolling around in his bed wearing only panties and her five pounds of homemade jewelry, cuts him short with a “I’m a respectable girl”. Uh huh; I don’t think Jason was the only one caught off guard there. Apparently, the whole time they were wallerin’ in Jason’s bed naked, and high, they never had sex. They both agree that snorting a dead monster’s blood is much better than sex; woohoo! Back at Sookie’s, Tara walks in to find Sookie with her head stuck in the oven. She runs in with a “Jesus Christ!”, pulls her out, and is quickly admonished by a masked Sookie for using “JC”. That apparently was not a great way to open the conversation because while Tara is trying to share the weird but positive news about her mother, Sookie is getting pissed because her Gran is dead, Bill might be dead, and oh shit, now Tara’s having a cow about her fang marks.
Can’t we all just get along? The two holler at each other, and Sookie tells Tara to get out, and she obliges, stomping off, and Sookie slams the oven door closed; no reason, women just need to slam something when they get mad. Back at Jason’s house, he digs half a pizza out of the fridge and inquires about more V. Amy tells him that, despite the bottle of V that she had last night that looked half full, she is now out. Jason starts getting all jumpy and nervous but she calms him down in her hippie way; otherwise known as “Chillll duuuuude.” Jason offers some of his stale pizza to Amy but of course, she only eats organic food. Aww, Jason should have offered her some grass, or some cow corn. Yummy. Amy gets nosy, and starts asking about how Jason’s parents died. He tells her about how they died in a flash flood, while he and Sookie were at their Gran’s house. Jason says that sometimes he feels a little guilty, and confirms that his Gran raised them after their parents died. He tells her that he moved back to their house when he turned 18, despite Gran wanting him to stick around there, then tells Amy about Gran dying last week.
Jason is a little surprised that he’s talking so much about things, and his “feelings” –yes, it’s horribly feminine to discuss feelings, but braless hippie women can bring that out in you. Jason even talks about his and Sookie’s big fight, and hitting her. Jason starts feeling sad, poor baby, but Amy cheers him up with a big sloppy kiss after reassuring him that, since she’s been inside of him she knows that he’s a good person. All righty then. Another moment of bizarre discomfort, at the bar, Terry and Sam are unpacking the trunk; Sam is putting a stuffed gator head over the bar so that the drunks will have someone to talk to, and Terry whips out his “possum prick” telling Sam he shot one last week. It’s hard to say Sam is humoring him, because he looks genuinely interested in the bone that Terry is wearing around his neck. Terry explains that possums have a two pronged penis, and it’s supposed to be good luck. Sam pats his arm, and suggests they keep that story between the two of them. Aww, I think wearing a dead possum’s dick bone is a sexy thing for a man to do, don’t you?
Terry, inspired by the strange turn towards sexual deviancy, asks Sam if he happened to be running through the woods naked that morning; casually, as if he himself did it all the time. Actually, during the last episode, Terry claimed that he had actually ran through the woods naked before, to his cousin Andy. Sam asks “why would I do that?” And Terry explains what he saw while he was fishing that morning, with Andy. Sam tells Terry that he was working on his car, but Terry thought it looked an awful lot like him. Terry claims that maybe he’s seeing things again, though usually when he hallucinates, he sees, “insurgents”, Sam finishes for him. Terry is starting to get a little upset, and he tells Sam, “I hate being this way,” before they head back into the bar. Poor Terry; that scene almost makes me cry a little, –considering that there are plenty of other men and women the same age, who also suffer after the things they’ve seen fighting in the wars. This is yet another way that the show, although it does incorporate a lot of fantasy, reaches out to its audience on a personal level.
Sookie sits on her porch wrapped in a blanket while it pours rain, before getting up and going inside to light a candle, and gather a small bouquet. She places the candle on the windowsill, and walks out after the rain has stopped to put flowers on Bill’s grave. She cries a little, then sadly begins to walk home, before an arm shoots up out of the ground and grabs her leg! Holy shit, now there are zombies on the show too?! Sookie struggles to get away as an extremely dirty, naked man crawls out of the ground, and gets her plenty dirty too. He says her name, and phew, –it’s just Bill. They kiss and have a really wild, passionate quickie, that leaves us in shock because, –hello! The guy just crawled, -naked- out of the ground in a cemetery, covered in dirt! It’s going to take a lot of Summer’s Eve to clean up after that little incident. As Bill is about to take a bite out of her, she says, “not the neck”, so Bill sinks his fangs into her boob.
Back at work, a pissy Arlene growls, “Where the hell is Sookie today?” as she struggles to maintain an overloaded tray. Jason and Amy enter, while she lays on the Lion King Circle of Life shtick thick enough to choke anyone in a ten foot radius of where they’re standing. Jason claims that he wants to lick her mind, –he’d probably have the same experience if he licked a toad. Sookie finally shows up, all bubbly when Sam tries to console her, most likely pretty disappointed when he hears Bill’s still alive and she doesn’t need a shoulder to cry on. Sookie runs up to Arlene and helps her out with the tickets, after showering her with praise on her beauty, telling her that she loves her, and a good hug before scooting off to fill orders. When Arlene asks Sam what’s up, he crankily informs her that Bill is alive. Oh darn, our friend’s boyfriend didn’t die horribly in a fire. We should all get drunk and bitch about it. Ho hum.
Terry hollers “Order up!”, but Sookie is held up explaining to Rene and Hoyt what happened; apparently, the fourth body was a fangbanger. She scoots back to the kitchen to get the order, but the “new girl” picked them up already. Guess who? Oh the unmitigated guile of Amy rises up yet again; she has taken and delivered the order, while Sookie looks on not knowing what to think. Jason approaches and tells Sookie that he really wants Sookie to like her. Arlene and Amy arrive, so that there’s an audience to see how far Amy can get her head up Sookie’s ass. After Amy gives Arlene her tip, Arlene tells Sam that she thinks they might have found a replacement for Dawn, and Sookie tells Jason cattily as she walks off, “looks like you did too.” Elsewhere in bon Temps, clothes are blowing on the line, and Tara can’t believe her mama is doing the laundry now too. Her mama and a friend from church walk up and try to get Tara to come too, but Tara gives them an unprecedented reaming and stomps off; the two women commiserate about Tara’s demon, before the scene changes.
At Merlotte’s, Terry offers to baby sit for Arlene who is pouting about her babysitter not being around when she gets a night off. Arlene offers to talk with Terry sometime, who refuses on the grounds that he’d rather just listen at her, that he likes her voice and her clavicles. Arlene is tickled pink by the oddball compliment, and then we head over to Sookie and Amy. Amy tries her damnedest to kiss up, but either Sookie is just being a bitch, or can see right through Amy’s dingbat niceness routine. She offers to make a necklace for Sookie, who refuses, saying that her boyfriend doesn’t like silver, before she asks Amy if she knows about Jason’s being a “dog”, and warns her that Jason treats women like Wet-Naps. Amy tells Sookie that Jason is capable of so much more, and blah de dah. Yes Amy, the vampire blood snorting hippie is just so full of wisdom. After Amy departs, Arlene approaches Sookie and apologizes for all the bitchy behavior on her part. Sookie hugs her back, and after returning the love, agrees to baby sit her kids.
Arlene, happy as a clam, bounces a little and scoots off after telling Sookie about her and Rene’s plans. Later, a disgruntled looking Sam pours a bottle of TrueBlood down the drain, as Tara checks on Hoyt’s table. Poor Hoyt, who compliments Tara, is given a “fuck you” for his trouble. I think everyone watching at this point, especially those of us who are soft on the gentle, and very sweet Hoyt, are all wanting to slap the nasty attitude right out of Tara. Hoyt apologizes, and looks sad, and Sam, already pissed off, asks Tara for “a word” in his office. Instead of firing the mouthy bitch, he says, “you and I are the only ones who get it”, and they start making out it in his office; yeah Sam, do the responsible thing. Meanwhile, Sookie lays beside Bill, and asks, “doesn’t it get old?” Apparently not, seeing as how they don’t make Viagra for vampires. Oooh, I see, she meant sex; she asks if the sex ever gets predictable after you do it for over a hundred years. Instead of saying, “yep, gets pretty old,” and heading off to chew on another blonde virgin, Bill reassures her that she’s different and as unique as a snowflake. Aww.
After the cutesy pillow talk about sleeping in the ground is over, Sookie hears the doorbell and explains to Bill that she forgot that she told Arlene she’d baby sit that night. She tells Bill he can stay, that it’ll be good for Arlene, and that he should also put on pants. Arlene looks about as shocked as a deer in the headlights, but Rene tells her it’s okay, that Bill had raised his own little ones at some point. Even so, Arlene gives each of her kids a silver bracelet to wear, and tells them to stick by ‘Aunt Sookie’. The kids get all excited at the prospect of pizza, and Rene asks Bill if he can eat pizza. Bill grins and says no, but that he understands it’s delicious. Over at Sam’s teeny trailer, the two compliment each other on their awesome sexual skills, but Sam admits to Tara that sometimes she “grunts”. Uh oh, she’s been really bitchy lately, I hope he has a Snickers and some Midol nearby. Apparently not; she calls him a racist, and screams fuck you, and fuck everybody. While struggling into her jeans, Tara stampedes away like an entire herd of premenstrual women in the tampon aisle who just spotted the last Reese’s cups.
At Sookie’s kitchen table, Bill serves up whipped cream over the kids’ ice cream, and declares that he hopes they can finish it off before their mama gets back. The boy reassures him that it won’t be a problem; he once ate an entire jar of mayonnaise. Parents in the audience glance at the refrigerator suspiciously, before going back to the show. The kids interrogate Bill about whether or not he plans to be Aunt Sookie’s boyfriend. He has to buy her flowers once in a while first, then they might see about it. Aren’t they just adorable? They ask to see Bill’s fangs, and he complies by putting pieces of cookie in his mouth at fang-shaped angles. Terrifying! Back at the truck, Rene has pulled off the road, to look at the tire. Arlene, anxious to get back to the kids, rushes him along, and he asks her to grab the Mag-Lite for him. Suspenseful music plays as Arlene tries to get the flashlight to work; Rene urges her to check the batteries, and something falls out. Aww, Rene picks up the ring and asks her to marry him. Arlene, ever the hopeless romantic, asks why he didn’t ask her at the Red Lobster.
Back at Sookie’s kitchen table, Arlene happily tells Sookie “I know I’ve done it four other times, but it never gets old!” Hooee, if you say so, girl. She asks Sookie to be her bridesmaid again, and they hug and stuff, –smiles all around. Then Rene asks Sookie and Bill if them two are going to be next. Both of them looked a little shell shocked, and Rene backpedals, “I mean, when it becomes legal.” Thankfully, one of Arlene’s kids wanders in to break up the awkwardness, and asks what’s going on. Arlene happily turns and says, “Sweetie, you’re gonna be my flower girl!” Mother and daughter squeal and happily hug. The scenes changes to the next morning, a surreal setting in which Bill is sitting at the table with a newspaper in broad daylight, after fixing a huge breakfast for Sookie. When Sookie tells him it’s light out, Bill bursts into flames; she wakes up a second later beside her kitty in bed.
The coroner meanwhile, is on the phone sadly talking to someone on the other line; apparently, the other body in the fourth coffin was the young assistant to the coroner. Bud Dearborn asks if he wants to let the other funeral home in town take care of the body, but Mike tells him he owes it to the kid to take care of the body. Bud and Mike end their call, then commiserate on the weirdness of the kid, and their differing levels of surprise that he was a fangbanger. They get out of the car and head over to talk to Sam Merlotte about what happened before the three rednecks went and burned down the house the next day. Sam tells them flat out that everybody in the bar was pretty pissed off after what happened, and that he doesn’t really care if they find out who did it. Then he asks if they found out anything about the murders of Maudette, Dawn, and Mrs. Stackhouse. Andy claims that they’re “working on somethin'” before they leave to eat inside. As an afterthought, Andy comes back in to ask Sam about whether or not it was him running through the woods naked the other morning.
Sam explains to Andy that he likes to honor the memory of his dead nudist parents by running through the woods naked once a year, and Andy, also fairly simple, takes this secret very seriously. He sort of shrugs, and it looks like Andy might just be halfway to buying that explanation. In the kitchen of Merlotte’s, Tara and Lafayette discuss the new change in Tara’s mother; Lafayette says it was a straight up con job, but that if it worked, then it was money well spent. He also tells Tara that it might even do her some good, if it worked for her mama. In the office, Sam walks in on Sookie taking vitamins, and asks her about them, –she dismisses him with an “I don’t need a permission slip from you” before sauntering off. Sam looks at the bottle and discovers she’s taking B-12, –in order to increase blood production, –and spills the bottle angrily, before sighing, and picking up the mess. Aww, looks like someone’s jealous.
Outside, Amy hops into Jason’s truck, and now her true colors start to shine through; she’s got that junkie gleam in her eye as she declares, “I need V.” Jason, a little taken aback by her wacko mood, since he isn’t craving, explains that yeah, sure, he’d like some but he can’t get any because Lafayette won’t sell to him. Meanwhile, Bill arrives home to find a (OMFG) naked Eric in the bathtub. Hearing an ancient vampire say the word “texted” out loud however, kind of spoils his mystery man charm. Eric tells Bill that he has a favor to ask, and Bill thinks aloud that the favor sounds more like an order, but Eric, unaffected, asks if he really thought he could keep her all to himself. Outside Lafayette’s, Amy and Jason sit watching the house, like two crackheads. Actually, exactly like two crackheads. Amy, basically, tells Jason that stalking a gay black man in order to get a fix of vampire blood is the most natural thing in the world, and even the dingy Jason looks at her like she’s insane.
Lafayette heads out to his little convertible (notice the small inconsistency? earlier in the season, he was driving an SUV) with a small cooler, in a cloud of cigar smoke, and leaves; close behind are the two v-juice junkies, while Amy coaches Jason on how to follow a drug dealer correctly. Inside a suburban style home, an older middle aged man looks nervous as he settles in the living room, lighting a few candles, when Lafayette knocks. Apparently, the guy is a vampire; his fangs are out, so he’s plenty hot and bothered. In the kitchen, the vampire retrieves a bottle of merlot for Lafayette, based on a funny misinterpretation. When the older vampire starts getting friendly, Lafayette tells him he needs his blood first, then they can “play”, –and we never actually get to see the games, despite being overloaded with plenty of heterosexual sex throughout the entire show. Lame. Sadly, we instead have to hear Lafayette placate the lonely vampire, when Eddie asks if he likes him. The two head off for some freaky sex, that hopefully involves plenty of baby oil.
Meanwhile, Sookie and Bill have just arrived at Fangtasia; apparently, Bill brought Sookie here because she told him she wanted to go out, –or is that actually why? They’re there because for some reason, Eric requires Sookie for his own purposes, much to Sookie’s distaste. Bill explains to Sookie that Eric is Sheriff of Area Five, and that as long as his requests are reasonable, there’s no reason not to just adhere politely. Sookie tells Bill about her dream as they stand by the car, and Bill explains to her that he wouldn’t actually burst into flames right away. She quietly remarks that the two will never have breakfast, –and you have to wonder whether or not Sookie ever read a book about vampires, or saw one horror movie, in her entire life. All I can say is, “Duh”.
Tara is apparently curious about her mother’s recovery, and she approaches the old school bus that night nervously, peeking in the door. Miss Jeanette appears behind her out of thin air, and says she knew Tara would come before inviting her inside. At the sheriff’s office, Andy sits on the phone with a nudist colony outside Beaumont, Texas, and the man on the phone claims that they never had anyone by the name of Merlotte there. Andy hangs up after the man invites him to join, wondering no doubt, what the deal is with Sam, and whether it would be any fun to eat barbeque naked. At Fangtasia, Eric explains the issue to Sookie; $60,000 of the bar’s money has disappeared, and they want her to find the culprit by interviewing the club’s employees, starting with Bruce, their accountant. Sookie makes Eric a deal; if he promises to hand over whomever stole from them to the police, she’ll help them anytime he wants. Sookie somehow manages to overlook the figurative blazing neon sign over Eric’s head that says “Caveat Emptor”.
Sookie interviews poor Bruce, who’s sweating up a storm and about to have a coronary; she clears him, and Longshadow objects, but Eric tells them to bring in the next one. At Eddie’s quiet suburban home, a jonesin’ Amy watches as Lafayette leaves, then she and Jason pull into the driveway. Amy basically tells Jason to shut up, remember his lines, and let her handle it. Jason spies something weird in her purse, and the scene changes after he says “What the hell is that?!” Now we’re looking at Rev. Steve Newlin, the new head of the Church of the Fellowship of the Sun, talk about the “wing nut” leftists wanting vampire rights, while Eddie watches in his recliner. The news broadcast is apparently part of the show, ‘Fangophiles’. The hefty female host makes fun of the good reverend’s supposed closet tendencies. The doorbell chimes, and Eddie switches off the television to check the door.
Jason claims that he’s a friend of Lafayette’s, sent over for Eddie, but as soon as Eddie opens the door, Amy flings a silver knit bag over his head, and ties his hands with her silver necklace, shouting at Jason to get his feet. Jason, too shocked to do anything but follow orders, does as he’s told. They grab the vampire and throw him in the back of their truck. At Fangtasia, Pam brings in the last of the humans who work there; a sassy waitress named Ginger, who starts getting mouthy and difficult right away. Ginger knows who did it, but can’t say; apparently, she was glamoured, and it was a vampire who did it. Suddenly, Longshadow dives for Sookie! And… that’s where they leave us. Boohoo.