We open up where we left off in episode 8, –with a very pissed off Longshadow ready to choke the life out of Sookie; Bill’s fangs extend, while Eric watches solemnly, and Pam rolls her eyes at his side, at Ginger’s high pitched, continuous shrieking. Pam tells her “enough!” and Eric politely says ‘Thank you”, as if she’d just passed him the salt. Bill breaks a wooden beer tap off the bar, and stakes Longshadow, who begins spewing blood all over Sookie, then promptly melts. Ginger pukes and then continues screaming, and with a bored look, Eric remarks that he doesn’t know what Bill sees in humans. Sookie looks pretty close to vomiting herself, having had a pretty decent drink of Longshadow as he’s just died all over her. Then rolls our fabulous theme song; personally, I just can’t wait to see Eric when the intro credits are over; not to mention, what the hell that crazy bitch Amy is doing.
Sookie stands over the sink rinsing off while a deranged Ginger appears to crawling through Longshadow’s goo, looking for a contact, while having a nervous breakdown, and repeatedly saying sorry to her mama. While Ginger sits messing with a handful of Longshadow, Eric tells Pam that he needs to glamour poor Ginger, or turn her. Pam would rather glamour her than deal with an undead version of the hysterical woman, so they agree, before Eric moves over to speak with Bill. Eric heats Bill up a nice bottle of fake blood, while the two chat in his office. Eric gets around to the unfortunate business at hand; Bill did just kill a vampire for a lowly human, so Eric suggests that he take Sookie. Bill immediately responds with a “no”, and asks why Eric wants her, to which he asks the same question of Bill. Bill says that Sookie must be protected, and Eric remarks that there’s something a little political about that statement (is the series hinting at something that only those of us who have finished all the books know? hmm…), but then tells Bill to admit that he loves her.
Bill is apparently in big trouble, as even Eric admits that even if it was he that killed Longshadow, he’d have done it with no witnesses. Bill remarks that Bill’s choice of actions was pretty dumb. Meanwhile, the idiotic Amy makes light of poor Eddie who miserably rides along in the bed of Jason’s truck, while Jason is steadily putting two and two together, and coming up with five. Apparently, he’s just now realizing that Amy has kidnapped a vampire before. That’s right, little Miss Perfect is a full fledged drainer. Jason calls her purse a “big bag of crazy”, and speculates that all women with huge purses are nuts. Maybe so, I carry a pretty big purse myself. Amy pulls the “Jason, baby, mellow out duuuude,” patronizing speech, and turns on some hippie music, which irritates Jason a little more. Good, get mad, Jason, she’s a psycho! Dump her on her ass!
Sookie takes a look at the red dress that was white earlier in the evening as she mops up any leftover Longshadow from her cleavage. Pam comes into the bathroom behind Sookie, and gives her some super hip PVC clothes to wear. Pam points out that Sookie missed a bit of Longshadow between her boobs, and says that Bill and Eric are still going to be talking for a while. Pam obliges by plucking the piece of vampire out of her cleavage, while stating that she’s beginning to see the attraction. Aww, isn’t Pam just a sweety? Also, take care to notice that on Pam’s night off, she’s wearing a nice conservative sweater outfit, –once again, Pam is cold hard class with a blonde flip. Ginger walks in and ruins the moment, and with her mind mostly erased, asks who Sookie is. Pam introduces them again, and Ginger gives her big smile and tells her it’s nice to meet her. Naturally, Sookie has a bit of an odd expression on her face after that, and Ginger misunderstands; “You don’t need to be scared, they’re really very nice here.” Oh yeah, they’re practically puppies and kittens.
Meanwhile, Jason and Amy unload poor Eddie down in the basement, making a last minute attempt to Martha Stewart a room to hold and syphon blood from a vampire. Amy finds Jason’s gas masks, and the two share an awkward moment of “haha, you’re paranoid!” while a sizzling vampire freaks out between them. The psychotic Amy wastes very little time in sticking a needle in Eddie, and getting a thimbleful of blood. Eddie tries to appeal to Jason, but between his own tiny conscience screaming at him, Amy acting like a junkie psycho from Hell, and the pleading of the vampire, the poor kid is getting a little stressed out. Amy drinks her little thimble full of Eddie, and like a Jenny Craig-ite who sees someone having ice cream, Jason eventually breaks down. While Eddie begs him not to, Jason coldly tells him not to talk to him, and drinks the last few drops. God, what a couple of assholes.
Back at the Magic Schoolbus, *beep beep*, Tara asks Miss Jeanette to explain the how’s and why’s of demon exorcism. Miss Jeanette tells Tara that basically, her soul is sick, but Tara tells her she doesn’t believe her. Miss Jeanette asks her why she came then. The cost for Tara’s “exorcism” is more than twice what her mother paid, and Miss Jeanette claims that’s because what’s inside Tara is worse than what was inside her mother. Tara doesn’t believe that a woman who could eat her own vomit because she didn’t want to waste any alcohol, could be worse than her. Miss Jeanette tells her to think about it, as well as the loneliness she has to deal with, and to really consider how hard it is just living with herself the way she is now. Tara concedes despite some hesitation. Elsewhere, a very shiny Sookie emerges from Bill’s car, while Bill explains that he’ll only get a “slap on the wrist” for what he did, though Pam made the issue sound serious. Bill shrugs it off, telling Sookie that it’s all just drama and old fashioned beliefs.
Sookie flips on the light switch on her way up to the shower, and Bill immediately tells Sookie not to look up; but she does, and there, tied to the ceiling fan, is her cat, dead as a doornail and flinging blood all over the house, as well as Sookie’s screaming face. Poor kitty. Jason and Amy are getting ready to screw in front of the vampire they just kidnapped; the guile of Amy reaches new heights once again as she makes Jason pause before penetrating her to “thank the vampire”. Amy thanks him and gets a flat and most deserved “fuck you”. Poor Eddie has to sit there while they screw, and swim around through the trees and flowers, totally ignoring the suffering vampire, who cries miserably while tied to a lawn chair.
Bill holds Sookie in bed but she can’t sleep for thinking about her dead grandmother, and her poor cat, Tina. Sookie states that she doesn’t like having to be protected, and helpless, to which Bill responds that it’s all his fault. Sookie argues of course, and eventually tricks Bill into letting her take the blame; as if any man alive or dead would fight for the right to be blamed for something by a woman? Hell no. “Sure okay, your fault.” They kiss, and after one last vision of dead Gran, Sookie hopefully manages to fall asleep. Out in the woods, a man behind a clear plastic mask sneaks up on a girl on a blanket; but it’s just Jason playing around with his gas mask, and Amy humoring him. They enjoy a nice discussion about how the trees are laughing because they’re ticklish, –and then we discover in a moment that they’re not high, so that narrows it down. Apparently V also kills brain cells, and turns you into a flaky nature type that craves all raw foods. Amy convinces Jason that he should eat a bunch of nuts and berries that way V will be that much “cleaner”.
Yeah, kidnapping someone against their will and drinking their blood sounds “clean”, absolutely, if it’s Opposites Day or something. Eddie breaks up their hippie love fest by screaming for help, which encourages Jason’s nearly non-existent conscience to speak up. Amy is pretty clear on the fact that in her opinion, Eddie isn’t a person, and she doesn’t care if he dies. Unfortunately, this all cycles around to more hippie platitudes about love, and Jason has pretty much been officially brainwashed. His response, “Fuck it. I love you too.” If the whole situation didn’t involve another thinking, feeling hominid dying in his basement, their little moment might come off as sweet. As it stands though, it’s selfish, cruel, and exponentially inconsiderate.
Tara is in the bathroom at her mama’s house, trying to follow Miss Jeanette’s advice; counting down from ten, and seeing if she can do it without looking away. But her mama walks in, to tell her that masturbation is a sin, that Sam Merlotte is at the door and awww, he brought flowers. Although Sam apologizes and asks if they can sort things out, her mother interrupts by saying, “That’s a load, it’s sex he wants!” Tara wants Sam to go though, because she feels too “fucked up” to deal with man problems right now. Sam tells her that basically, he’d rather deal with Tara’s “fucked up shit” than be alone; so she explains to him that right now she’s actually thinking there’s a demon inside her, that she’s considering the whole exorcism thing, and even worrying about the cost of it. Articulate as always, Sam responds, “Wow.” Pause here, this is driving me crazy, –but didn’t Tara and her mother live in a trailer in the first few episodes or something? Let me know, maybe I’m just confused.
Tara flat out refuses Sam again, so he throws her flowers on the ground, and tells her he’ll see her at work, before he gets back in his truck. At Merlotte’s the fake ass hippie Amy is admiring Arlene’s new engagement ring, and the two discuss her engagement party, loudly, in front of Sam, who sighs, takes the hint and offers to host the bash. Sookie walks in, and Sam tells her good morning, but she responds with an “ain’t nothin’ good about this mornin'”. Uh oh, pissy female alert! On the job out by the road, Jason stares up into the trees, enjoying the sounds of them laughing no doubt, while Lafayette spits out a mayo covered hamburger, while Hoyt stands by claiming he likes it with mayo. Just as Rene takes a jackhammer to the tree roots under a slab of sidewalk, Jason flips out, runs over, and tackles Rene. The jackhammer continues running as all the guys come over to turn the thing off, and figure out what the hell is on Jason’s mind, since he could have killed Rene.
Jason’s big explanation is “That root, is connected to this tree,” –all the guys are pretty much staring at him like he’s lost his mind, and Rene is beyond pissed. Jason says he’s sorry, but Rene is still pissed; naturally, having almost been killed, and he hollers at Jason that he’s about to get married, and there are people counting on him. If only all men took their families that seriously. Hoyt asks, “Are you all right, Jay?” and Jason grabs him and pulls him down, hollering at him for calling him “Jay”. Good god, what a dick. And Hoyt is like, the biggest sweety. I sure hope someone is nice to him real soon, since in the last episode, Tara told him “fuck you” for no reason. Hoyt walks off, telling Jason he’s sorry, while Jason stands around like a total boob. Back at Merlotte’s, Andy’s reading over the menu looking disgruntled, as always. Sookie, who was already pissed off to start with, waits on him. Which in this restaurant, is code for reaming him for not having found the killer yet, and telling him what happened to her poor Tina.
Amy uses her skinny, pop-intellectual ass to butt in, and she tells Sookie to go take a break; I’m fairly surprised Sookie didn’t punch her in the face, but then again, she doesn’t actually know why Amy deserves it so much. While Sookie sits outside, Amy comes outside to be nosy, and asks what’s wrong. Amy offers her condolences for Sookie’s cat, then the two talk about how maybe Sookie ought to take more days off, then the traditional “sister wants to know what the girlfriend’s intentions are” talk. Though honestly, I can’t take anything Amy says seriously, I really can’t stand her, which is why I love the last couple of episodes so much. If you know what happens to Amy then you know why I’m so happy. She tells Sookie that Jason misses her, and loves her, and helps cheer her up. And then Sookie offers the most ill-informed, ignorant statement of the film so far in Amy’s direction, “You are way too good for him,” –ha ha, no. More like vice versa, which is pretty amazing, since Jason only ever had a snowball’s chance in hell in the first place at ever being too good for anybody.
Jason drives back to his house with much tire squealing before returning home, clicking on the TV, and grabbing a beer. On the news, Nan Flanagan, spokesperson for the Vampire Association of America, discusses that vampires aren’t retaliating for the murders of the three vampires killed in Louisiana; Malcom’s little group. Jason’s conscience tries to flicker to life, as Eddie hollers for help downstairs; Jason first tells him to shut up, but then he gets up and goes down to the basement. Jason helps move the weakened vampire who’s pain at being stuck in the uncomfortable chair is horrible for him. Jason hurts his own back in the process of lifting him. In the office at Merlotte’s Tara finds an envelope full of cash under her things; she confronts Sam, but he refuses to talk until they get off work. Bill meanwhile, is home playing virtual golf on the Wii, when the doorbell rings. Eric, Pam and their new friend Cho, –Longshadow’s replacement, –come in looking grim. Apparently, there are problems brewing in the world of vampires.
Bill has to go somewhere with Eric strictly in the authority figure sense, since Eric is the Sheriff of Area Five; Bill tells them he has to go to the bar first and let Sookie know he’s leaving, and why. Cho asks Bill what his score is on Pebble Beach, and Cho smugly states his high score. Bill tells Eric that he liked Longshadow better. In Jason’s basement, he’s rolling around on a mattress having fun stretching while talking to Eddie. Jason asks why he’s not all athletic and pretty like other vampires, and Eddie explains that he had a desk job. I think he was actually the stapler guy from Office Space. Jason asks Eddie about how he became a vampire, and he explains to Jason what happened. It started out with his son fighting at school because another kid suggested that he might be a “fuckin’ faggot”, and then his son told his wife, who told him when he came from work. When she saw Eddie’s upsetting reaction, they both realized that Eddie was gay. Eddie says that neither of them had a clue that he was gay.
He continues; he went to gay bars, hit on a couple of guys, and was either pitied or laughed at until he saw a vampire who was even uglier than him, getting all kinds of gorgeous guys. Eddie figured that was the way to go, so he said, he eventually found someone willing to turn him. Jason asks how it worked out, and Eddie says “You tell me”. No shit; obviously not too great, being tied to a lawn chair, bled by a psycho in a basement. At Merlotte’s, Bill walks in followed by Pam, Eric, and Cho; Bill tells Sookie he needs to talk to Sam, and Cho follows him back to the office, while Eric looks around with Pam. Bill asks Sam to watch over and protect Sookie while he’s away, and Sam cops an attitude, naturally, but he agrees for Sookie’s sake. Eric and Pam are busy handing out flyers, but Eric stops Pam as she’s about to give a flyer to one of the guys that burned down Malcom’s nest. Busted!
Bill takes Sookie outside to talk to her, and Eric warns everyone in the bar that just because Nan Flanagan says they won’t retaliate, doesn’t mean she speaks the gospel, and that vampires know when humans have wronged them. Outside, Bill explains to Sookie that he has to go to stand trial, and that Sookie cannot come. She’s balanced on the edge of angry, because Bill lied to her when he told her everything would be okay. Bill and Sookie kiss for what might be the last time, as Eric presses the time issue, and Tara comes outside to see what’s going on. Tara tries to apologize as the vampires lead Bill away, but Sookie tells her that she isn’t mad anymore, and they hug. Poor Sookie. In the basement, Jason’s telling Eddie what happened to his parents, and Eddie tells him he’s sorry that he grew up with no father figure, and expresses regret that now his son has to do the same thing. Jason shies though, when Eddie looks at him, and tells him not to try to “glimmer” him. Lord have mercy, that poor Jason Stackhouse is dingier than a rust bucket after a hail storm.
Eddie responds that he’s too weak to glamour him, and that he doesn’t know how to do that anyway. Eddie asks Jason how he feels about Amy, and Jason tells him that he thinks she might be the one. But Eddie tells him not to, that she’s dangerous, and a psychopath; Jason gets pretty pissed, and starts hollerin’ at him. Jason tells him to be quiet while he goes out for beer, and takes off. Back at Merlotte’s, Tara tries to give Sam his money back but he refuses, and they go back to his office to talk. He tells her to keep the money, and asks her if she really believes she has a demon inside her; she’s not sure, except that there’s something inside her that’s “fucked up” as she so often likes to say. Tara takes the money, and Sam cuts her off from trying to thank him by kissing her, awww. Sookie talks to Lafayette in the kitchen before going back to the office and almost walking in on Tara and Sam making out, before stomping off. Why the hell is she so pissed off? Half the town is in love with her. Bah, women!
Sookie asks Amy to cover the rest of her side work, so that she can get home and away from all the insanity. Amy reluctantly agrees after Sookie says she’ll be fine, that she’s going to stay over at Bill’s. Sookie takes off, and Sam comes in to thank Amy for helping out; he asks where everyone else went, and Amy tells him that Sookie took off for Bill’s. Just as Sam’s heading off to follow her, all concerned, Andy stops him and lets him know that he found out his parents weren’t nudists. Sam tells Andy he forgot something in the bar, and that he’ll be right back; meanwhile, Sookie drives home nervously checking her mirrors for a tail. A minute after Sam goes back into the bar, a dog runs out past Andy, who calls for him as he takes off, then grumbles a “screw you too,” as it whizzes by. Sookie meanwhile, is pulling into Bill’s driveway, unaware of the big deal everyone is making about her.
The collie pops up in front of her, and surprised, Sookie invites him in with her. While Sookie is upstairs undressing, she tries to think of a name to call the collie dog, and settles on “Dean”; the dog politely looks away as her clothes come off. She hops up into bed and invites the dog up with her, but he hesitates for a moment before joining her. Meanwhile, Jason is just pulling up into the driveway back at his house, and he brought Eddie some TrueBlood. Aww; Jason pops a straw into it, and wakes Eddie up, to feed him the nice cold fake blood. Groooossss. But Eddie’s starving so he drinks, while Jason holds the bottle for him. Back at Sookie’s house, Sookie wakes up and screams to find a naked Sam in her bed! And that’s where they leave us; but with a great view of Sam’s butt.