And we’re back, right where we left off, with Sookie screaming her head off after finding the body of her coworker, Dawn. This is a stressful situation, so it’s a little surprising that she doesn’t turn the alarm clock off; considering it’s the first thing any of us would do. Imagine, dead body of co-worker, plus a murderer on the loose, that might still be in the house!, and –oh look, fang marks on the body? Definitely turn off that alarm clock before it throws you off the edge; there’s nothing more annoying on the face of the planet. Despite the blaring alarm and possible lingering murderer, Sookie leans over the body of poor Dawn to question it; apparently, Dawn’s state of death prevents her from talking. Poor Jason walks in, and after all he’s already been through, sees his dead sometimes-girlfriend, and breaks his bottle of booze. Poor guy can’t catch a break with a glove.
To make matters worse, Sookie starts edging towards insanity; and you guessed it, the alarm is still going off at a deafening volume. Just wait; a nosey neighbour type walks in, and examines the body as if she were a hesitant paramedic, before giving Jason the stink eye and accusing him of murder. Now, everyone knows somebody with an annoying personality, and a voice like an ice pick in the ear: imagine this person reaming you, and an alarm clock going off in the background. It’s Hell’s Symphony. Jason vehemently protests, claiming he was bringing flowers to apologize, which even Sookie finds a little hard to believe. Poor Jason; once again, even when he’s trying to be nice, he’s getting kicked in the nuts by life. The neighbor rushes off to call the police. Of course she didn’t call the police as soon as she heard screams, and she didn’t call the police the previous night, when Dawn was screaming while being attacked by a masked Jason, or when she heard the gunshots Dawn had fired. The answer to that little mystery: living below the Mason-Dixon Line. Gunshots, kinky sex, and screams? The neighbours are going to leave you alone. More than two cars in the drive way? Watch out, the neighbours are coming, and they might even bring beer.
Jason goes out to sit on the porch, probably still reeling from life’s latest nut-shot, and gets a moment to realize how screwed he is. And then, roll the soundtrack, boys! It’s Jace Everett’s sexy Bad Things, which yours truly recently wrote to the man himself to inquire about. Hopefully, I get an answer, then I can link you guys to that awesome interview! While you’re shaking your ass, make sure you make a note to check out Jace’s full album. And don’t give me that, I’m not into country, crap. If you like this song, consider yourself converted.
We’re back to the scene of the crime, and like people all over the world, the town has gathered in the hopes of some real life drama; Jerry Springer re-runs are nothing compared to the town horndog, and the town freak, together with a dead body. Arlene, Rene, Hoyt, and Hoyt’s mother Maxine, discuss the murder, not completely without concern or horror, but with much more curiosity and interest. Maxine Fortenberry is practically salivating with giddy interest, and you can tell she’s wishing she brought a cooler and some lawn chairs. Some of you yankees might be wondering if us southerners have anything better to do than watch our neighbors get arrested. Our response, is a resounding chorus of: HELL NO! Can I get an ‘Amen’?!
Inside, the sheriff is questioning Sookie, who can’t help but listen in on the thoughts of everyone around her. The sheriff’s thoughts are surprisingly on topic, while Andy is thinking mostly about the unfairness of being called “Andy” instead of Detective Bellefleur. The coroner is having a bizarre conversation with God about dead-Dawn’s breasts, while Jason worries about being pegged and arrested as a murderer.. and might have gone on to worry about anal rape in prison before Sookie shakes her head to get rid of that little stream. She gets sassy with the sheriff, when told she shouldn’t have moved the sheet to cover Dawn.
Outside, Arlene sends Rene into the house to fetch beer, a bucket of ice, the “nice” plastic cups, and some doilies, much to Rene’s vocal chagrin. Inside again, poor Andy suffers further indignation when he is referred to as “Andy, dear” by the nosey neighbour, who only a moment ago, struggled to say the “very bad” b-word. While onlookers convene with cups in hand, and the older show-goers rise slightly from their creaky plastic lawn chairs, Detective Andy arrests Jason and throws him in the back of the hot police car to torture him for a bit. Jason, alone in the car, remembers the V-juice he has on him, and, quick thinker that he is, gets rid of the evidence… by drinking the whole thing.
Since everyone’s standing around in the hot sun, henpecking Maxine Fortenberry forcefully applies sunscreen to her grown son, Hoyt, who simple-minded and distressed over the trouble his friend Jason is in, threatens to move out. And then it’s Sam to Save the Day! While Jason is taken off for questioning, Sookie’s employer arrives and tries to comfort her. Sookie convinces Sam to leave the bar open for the day, since working, even on her day off, might help her get her mind off things. An officer asks Sam, who also happens to be Dawn’s landlord, for a key to her storage unit. He leaves, and Sookie is shooed out of the way by the coroners; one very young and new, and they manage to get Dawn’s dead body into the van without dropping, so much as bouncing her around a little.
Jason is harassed by Andy at the station, and soon the effects of the V-juice become quite apparent; ironically, right after Andy asks him if what does it for him is murder with a necrophilia chaser. Jason says it sounds a lot like “killing girls and sticking it to ’em” turns Andy on, and Bud Dearborn laughs out loud. Poor Detective Andy kind of turns a different color for a moment, before continuing with the harassment, laying it on thick. Meanwhile, we get an under the table shot of Jason’s crotch; vampires, cops, and snakes, oh my! Jason jumps up, after the distracting scene of watching something the size of a police Mag-Lite materialize in his pant leg, tells the cops he has to use the bathroom, and rushes off. Andy moves to follow him, but Bud restrains him with a half-chastizing, “Man’s gotta pee, Andy,” as if to say, “um, calm down, goofball.”
While Jason, secluded in the mens’ room works on examining his enormous… malfunction, Detective Andy pouts about being laughed at to Sheriff Bud, who tells Andy he doesn’t think Jason did it. Jason begins to howl, and the two cops get up to see what’s going on in the bathroom. Fortunately, before the situation can get too embarrassing for him, Tara comes to his rescue. She calls Andy and Bud on not having read Jason his Miranda rights, and gives Jason an alibi by claiming that he had spent the night with her. Hearing Tara call Jason “baby” is worth the price of admission. Meanwhile, he struggles to put thoughts together and not become entirely focused on his raging, painful erection. Tara calls their fictional sexual encounter a “beautiful thang” and whisks Jason away before his beautiful thang explodes and takes out the entire police station.
We cut over to Sookie who encounters Gran, in her kitchen, and they talk about Jason having been arrested for Dawn’s murder. Gran already knows of course, and asserts that, whatever else Jason might have done, he isn’t a murderer. She asks Sookie to use her gift to find out who the real killer is, so that she can save Jason, because if the town doesn’t find the real killer, they’ll settle for Jason. Sookie, at work, does as Gran asks, and tunes in to the thoughts of the bar’s patrons. One man thinks it’s a damn shame Dawn died, and wonders if whoever did it screwed her first, internally remarking that it was a waste if he didn’t… ew. An older woman, who we really don’t want to think about naked, is thinking about the orgasmic differences with vampire sex. Thank god Sookie didn’t see any pictures; egads! A racist, and anti-vampire redneck grumbles inwardly and wonders if these really are the end times, while a fat woman licks her fingers and smugly thinks the “whore had it coming.” Everyone in the bar is thinking nasty thoughts about the poor dead Dawn, who hey, admittedly was a slut, but sure didn’t deserve to be strangled with her pantyhose. Sookie finds that even Arlene thinks that Dawn “had it coming’, and in retort, snags Arlene’s ranch dressing.
When Tara comes in late, Sam asks to talk about the previous night. Tara ignores his allusion to their little affair and tells him about how she lied to the police and that if anyone asks, she and Jason spent the night together. Sam disapproves, and tries to give her the “shame on you” speech, but Tara remarks that Jason is “more than meets the eye”, hopefully not infringing on any Transformers copyrights (Ja-son Stack-house, more than meets the eye!). Then we cut over to Jason, watching porno and jerkin’ his gerkin, at 90-t’-nothin’. The news comes on after his movie ends, but Jason manages one more load before noticing a really big, icky blister on his thumb. He looks down and notices the condition of his “sweet, sweet baby,” and begins to cry. Oh boy, it sounds serious! Back at the bar, Sookie is still listening to all the wicked thoughts of the patrons, before happening across Hoyt Fortenberry, who is just rambling in his own inner dialogue about how pretty Dawn was. The sweet, muscly big guy bets that her voice sounds like, “angels and parakeets” mixed together, and just misses her. We all share a big moment of mutual “Awwwww”, as Sookie thanks him, and gives him a kiss.
Jason shows up at Merlotte’s to ask Lafayette for help, but Sookie stops him and asks if he killed Dawn, which he denies, and then brushes her off. The last thing a man wants to see in his condition is his sister, god knows, so he heads to the kitchen and asks the pretty gay chef for help. First, Lafayette tells him to “shut the fuck up”, since Jason doesn’t mind hollering about the situation, and then informs Jason that he’s a “dizzy motherfucker” –old news, and that there “ain’t no antidote to V, boyfriend.” Uh oh, sounds like Jason’s up shit creek, and all he has is a huge boner for a paddle.
Vampire Bill shows up, and the bar quietens, and everyone in the place looks at him with murder on their minds; whether it’s his, or Dawn’s. Arlene stalks over and waits on him as rudely as possible. Sookie comes to his rescue, and delivers the right order, but then takes him outside, much to the chagrin of the entire bar, and Sam. She tells Bill about the murder, and asks him to help her investigate by taking her to the vampire bar in Shreveport, which Bill says is called Fangtasia, and then has to explain to Sookie that, well, because vampires are old, they also have a collective ancient sense of humor. Bill agrees to take Sookie tonight. She runs inside to tell Sam, who acts like he’s about to have a coronary episode, and starts reaming her, but Sookie displays her figurative big brass balls with pride, wins the argument, and leaves.
On the way to the bar, Sookie detects a bit of weirdness in the air, and asks Bill what’s on his mind. He informs her that she looks like “vampire bait”, and Sookie, amused and a little shocked, asks what he means. Yeah, Bill, what the hell’s that supposed to mean? Well, apparently, strappy sundresses of medium length are very tempting to vampires, and Bill evasively compliments her looks.
Meanwhile, Tara find Jason, literally, chilling in the freezer, holding frozen steak to his poor dingaling. He admits to her that he overdosed on vampire blood, and she explains to him what the problem is, and informs him that he has an acute case of priapism. Jason shows her the problem, and the two share a moment of “OMG!” before Tara tells Jason he needs to get to a hospital. Jason starts shaking his head, and saying no way, but Tara cuts him short by getting straight to the point: “Do you want to keep your dick or not?!” Jason has the look of someone about to automatically agree, before the scene changes.
Sookie meets Pam, who is featured largely in the books, as sort of a sidekick to Eric, whom we meet next. Pam declines the hand-shake that Sookie offers, which is actually portrayed in the books as being a sort of cultural faux-pas; vampires do not shake, and it’s rude to offer. She gets carded by Pam, before Bill ushers her inside. We’re treated to vampire Go-Go dancers, who with the aid of their powers, can dance pretty damn well (but no, not even comparable to the opening credits of Planet Terror). Employees are also hawking t-shirts and merchandise to tourists, and Sookie compares the bar to a Disneyworld ride, before she begins her investigating. A familiar face flashes by for a moment, and Sookie pauses before they head to the bar. –If you know who it is, say so in the comments.–
She asks the bartender, Longshadow, a very sexy Native American vampire with fangs fully extended, if he recognizes the women, Dawn and Maudette, from the photographs she has brought with her. He does, but when Sookie asks him who they hung around with, he says only, “That’s something we don’t notice here”, and informs her that she won’t either; a warning to keep her mouth shut about who goes with who. Longshadow points to the photo of Maudette and informs Sookie that, “This one wanted to die”, and makes a short philosophical remark about the people who seek out vampires in the bar. Sookie and Bill take a seat, and she listens to a balding, middle-aged man’s thoughts as he tries to work himself up to offering his blood to the blonde hunk in the shadowy corner, on a throne. Sookie asks about the blonde in the shadows, while the older man proffers himself like a walking hamburger, and Bill gets a little cocky. Uh oh, sounds like someone’s jealous.
Bill tells her that the blonde’s name is Eric, and he’s the oldest thing in the bar, after his little “everyone notices Eric and not me” speech. Eric meanwhile, kicks the balding guy across the room, who lands with a big gash on his head, that looks pretty serious. The vampires on the scene have a collective spaz attack, with the smell of blood and violence on the air. A female vampire dressed in shiny PVC from head to toe gets to the scene first, and some of us are reminded of the time we hit a deer, and all the other onlookers looked kind of jealous when we put the month’s worth of meat in our truck. No? Maybe it’s just me. Bill smugly asks Sookie if she still thinks they’re in Disneyworld.
Back at the hospital, the doctor discusses the big issue with Jason. The doctor asks Jason if he’s done any drugs, including vampire blood, and when Jason overzealously denies it, the doctor pretty much gives him the “you’re full of shit” brush-off, before rolling over to take a look at the family sized tent Jason’s making with the sheet on his lap. The doctor, sensitive and understanding fellow that he is, informs Jason that he penis looks, “kinda like an eggplant, what with the color, and how it’s all swol’ up at the end”. Jason asks if he can fix it, and the doctor explains the term “aspirate”. Tara jumps up to leave before the doctor begins draining Jason’s eggplant of blood, but he latches on and convinces her to stay. The needle goes in and Jason lets a scream loose that will shake any Viagra user down to the core.
At the bar, a scared Arlene asks Sam to walk her to her car. Sam gladly agrees, but before he leaves he stuffs some latex-type gloves into his pocket, and we notice a photograph of him with Dawn taped to the wall. Uh oh, could Sam be a suspect? The plot thickens, like a bottle of TruBlood in the refrigerator. Yummy. We cut back to Fangtasia, Sookie is frustrated because she isn’t learning anything; “All anyone here’s thinking about is sex, sex, sex!” Which is universal in pretty much any nightclub in the world. Soon she and Bill are “summoned” by Eric, who’s been looking at Sookie like a big slice of cherry pie all night. The introductions don’t exactly go by free of hitch, but she manages to ask if he recognizes Dawn and Maudette from the photographs.
Eric informs her that Maudette offered herself, though he thought she was too pathetic for his taste, but that he had “tasted” Dawn. Eric makes her stay, and tells them both to sit. Bill informs Eric again, in that creepy possessive tone of his, “She’s mine.” However, this time, Sookie wholeheartedly agrees, and the whole gang is about to start in on a “catching up” conversation, that Bill and Eric seem to think is vastly unpleasant. No sooner do they sit down, than Sookie looks at Bill and says “We have to get out of here!” She warns Eric about a cop raid, and that there’s a vampire feeding on a human in the bathroom. Eric tells Sookie he enjoyed meeting her, and the rest of us ladies can’t help but think the pleasure has been entirely ours. Good god what a pretty man. They all flee the bar, Bill sweeping Sookie up in a princess-carry and racing her away.
While driving Jason home, Tara remembers a childhood moment when her drunken mother chases her, furious that Tara had threw out her alcohol. A young Jason lets Tara into his house and makes her abusive mother leave by threatening to call the police, and Tara smiles remembering Jason’s heroism as a little boy. Who knew he’d grow up to be a selfish horndog? Tara doesn’t let that stop her from having her crush on him though, which is sweet, and a bit sad. Also on the road are Bill and Sookie; Bill drives Sookie home to the tune of Cambodian pop. Sookie, shaken up from her Fangtasisa experience, asks Bill to pull over. Well, it’s been a long day, Sookie finds a dead body, watches her brother’s arrest, and takes part in fleeing a cop raid with a bunch of vampires; but apparently, that’s not enough to quash a raging libido. Time for some “necking!”
Just as the two are about to kiss, a cop car pulls up behind them. A police officer questions them, asking if they were coming from Fangtasia. He continues to pester them, and asks to shine his flashlight on Sookie’s neck, which is when Bill’s fangs come out. Bill makes a lewd comment about “shining it between her legs” and talks about the femoral artery, and then glamours the cop into forfeiting his gun. Sookie, freaked out, asks him to stop, which he maliciously refuses to do. He drives away with the officer’s gun, leaving the poor man shaken and terrified, and peeing himself; kinda makes me wanna cry and take him to a gas station, poor feller.
We then see Sam entering Dawn’s apartment, wearing his latex gloves. He crawls into her bed, sniffing the sheets and pillows and rolling about in ecstasy, to the tune of Ooh, That Smell, by Lynrd Skynrd (lmao!), for, believe it or not, reasons that aren’t actually explained fully, even later on in the season. And that’s where they leave us, with Sam scattering his DNA all over a dead woman’s sheets. Quick remark here; I sort of hope to god she hasn’t decomposed any on those sheets. Gag.
i love it because i am one vampire.