At the Queen’s home, Bill greets the woman in the pretty dress on the floor, who is drinking blood from the inner thigh of a woman sprawled out on a piece of antique furniture that looks too expensive to be getting body fluids smeared all over it. Bill asks if he’s come at a bad time, but the queen lifts her head, and right away we can tell she is a sassy bitch; she tells him there’s no such thing as bad, or time for that matter. The Queen’s fangs are frigging huge; they look almost like tusks. She invites Bill to join her, and he just stands there looking uncomfortable. Cue the theme song! If watching a moaning woman get her thighs munched on by a hot female authority figure didn’t put you in the mood for True Blood, then Jace Everett’s Bad Things will definitely do it for you. At Bill’s house, Hoyt wrestles Jessica from his mama, Maxine Fortenberry, and hollers at her, asking if she’s lost her mind. Jessica tells him that Maxine was saying a bunch of nasty things about both of them, but Hoyt hollers at her, “She’s my mama, she gets to! Where the hell are you from?!”
Jessica says she’s sorry, and Hoyt goes and scoops Maxine off the floor, while she groans and says that she liked being bitten. Jessica calls for Hoyt, but he tells her he should have listen to Bill when he warned him about her. Jessica looks hurt, and Maxine goes on about “enjoying that” then waves her fingers at Jessica. Hoyt hollers at Jessica, saying, “You see what you did to her?” He takes his mama and walks out the door, leaving Jessica crying. She slams the door, and screams; looks like she’s about to go into a full on meltdown. At the Queen’s “palace”, Bill and a bloody blond stare at each other across the indoor pool, when finally, the Queen returns, haughtily asking Bill what gives him the right to turn down the blood of a good woman. She tells Bill he’s a snob, and that snobs have tiny souls or tiny penises, and so on, etc. Warning you guys right now, the Queen never says anything even vaguely interesting, or informative, so you’ll just have to bear with me while I briefly summarize all her mind-numbingly boring monologues.
The Queen tells the girl on the sofa to get out, and asks Bill if he’s eaten. Before he can even get a word in edgewise, the Queen starts yammering about this Latvian boy he just has to try, and how great he tastes, and god she never shuts up. She offers to summon him, but Bill tells her no, and tries to explain that there are important things he needs to talk about. He tells the Queen he needs to know how to kill a maenad, and the Queen is for once, slightly incredulous, remarking that a maenad in Bon Temps is pretty random. Bill tells her that the maenad has caused mass hypnosis throughout the town in a matter of days, and the Queen, still casual and unconcerned, comments that the maenad must be old, then follows that up by saying that they’re all very old. Bill says, “Ancient Greece, correct?” but the Queen informs him they’re even older, and asks him if there’s been orgies, sacrifices, and –she grins here, and asks about cannibalism. Bill says they suspect so, and she says that’s just “fun!” Oh gosh, isn’t the Queen just helpful as all hell? She should edit Wikipedia!
The Queen goes back to her ancient copy of Vogue, –here’s a woman completely stuck in her own era, –and Bill stares at her for a moment before asking, “So how do I kill it?” The Queen tells him that she can’t be killed, because Maryann has convinced herself she’s immortal, and so she is. Bill looks at her like he might ask what the hell she’s talking about, and the Queen goes on to inform him that everything that exists imagined itself into existence. Bill tells her he isn’t ‘entirely familiar with that theory,’ and the Queen, for once emitting some semblance of intelligence, explains herself. She says, “Well, think about it. You’re a wild young girl who’s married to some jerk who treats you like property, and is also fucking some 14-year-old boy;” –Bill shifts uncomfortably, –“and then along comes this religion that convinces you to get hammered, run naked through the woods, have sex with whoever, –whatever, –and it’s all part of ‘getting closer to God.'” Bill admits he can see the appeal, especially among humans who have a tendency towards Puritanism.
The Queen says ‘Exactly,” and continues, “So you’re fucking everybody in the dirt, why not kill something, and eat it raw? Hey, you’re super-extra-pious, there’s nothing you can’t do. And each time you do, it just brings you one step closer to the ‘divine.'” Bill looks at her and comments that thinking like that is delusional, but the Queen reminds him not to underestimate the power of blind faith; it can manifest in ways that bend the laws of physics, or break them entirely. The Queen examines her nails while Bill tells her that he bit the maenad, Maryann, and her blood poisoned him. The Queen tells him of course it did; vampires can only drink human blood, and the maenad is no longer even remotely human. Bill argues that she started out that way, but the Queen tells him vampires started out human too. The Queen looks at her watch, and comments that there’s less than two hours before dawn, and asks Bill if he wants to have sex. He looks at her like she’s insane, and she tells him she was kidding, then goes on a spiel about how she hasn’t liked men in decades.
Bill tells the Queen he needs to get back to Bon Temps, but she “insists” he stay the day, and leave the next night; Bill acquiesces. At Lafayette’s Tara is working herself up over wanting to go back and get Eggs, but Sookie, Lafayette, and Lettie Mae refuse to let her leave. Tara asks why Sookie gets the option of risking her life for Bill, but she doesn’t? Lettie Mae tells her it’s better that way, and suddenly, there’s deranged laughter outside. Lafayette’s worried that Maryann is coming for Tara, and goes for his gun. Tara is still whining that she wants to get Eggs, when Lafayette returns, and says he won’t let her go back to someone who beat her, but Tara argues that it was Maryann’s influence. Lafayette doesn’t care, he tells her to sit down, aims the gun at her and tells her to shut the fuck up, then tells Sookie to give him the handcuffs in his back pocket. Sookie looks grossed out, handing purple furry handcuffs to Lafayette, who cuffs Tara to his coffee table.
Tara, still a vicious bitch, tells Lafayette he’s just jealous because she found love, and he never will, then calls him a freak. Lettie Mae tries to tell Tara that it was only for her own good, but Tara tells her “You too, you don’t want me to be happy because you never were!” Lettie Mae swears she only wants Tara to be happy, but Tara turns to Sookie and tells her that she had to settle for a dead man. Sookie looks disgusted with Tara, and asks her if that’s suppose to get Sookie on her side. More laughter from outside, and Lafayette says he’s going out on the porch to make sure “that devil woman” doesn’t try to get in, and Sookie asks if he thinks she’d try. Lafayette tells her, based on experience no doubt, that if something supernatural wants you, it doesn’t wait for you to come to it. Tara stares at Sookie hatefully, and Sookie leaves her and follows Lafayette out. Lettie Mae sits on the couch and starts bawling, while Tara looks at her and hollers “You are kidding me! This ain’t happenin to you!” Tara has a point there, her mother gets worked up real easy.
Jason, Andy and Sam are trying to clean up inside the bar a little bit, and Jason asks if Sam can really turn into any animal, any time. Jason tells Sam that’s cool, but Andy says they still have a maenad they need to deal with. Sam tells them there’s no way to deal with Maryann, and the best thing to do is leave. Jason suggests getting the law involved, but Andy pipes up and says “I am involved!” Jason asks what happened to Sheriff Dearborn, Kenya, and “that other guy, the squirrely one?” –This makes me wonder if the guy who plays Jason has ever heard a southerner say the word “squirrely” out loud. FYI buddy, we pronounce it “skwerly.” Andy tells him that the sheriff’s station was wide open, and they ain’t gonna help. Jason makes up his mind right then that they’re gonna “be the law.” Mhmmm. Jason tells them that “this is Armageddon, this is the oral history of the zombie war! We need weapons.” Sam tells Jason firmly, in small words, that guns won’t hurt Maryann, and they can’t shoot anyone else, because these people are their friends and neighbors.
Jason, eloquent as always, tells Sam, “Sometimes you need to destroy somethin to save it.” Sam stares at him, and Jason says, “That’s in the Bible. Or the Constitution.” Poor Jason, lord have mercy. Outside, two kids at the window run into the woods, just as Sam catches sight of them. Sam follows them out, telling them not to be afraid, and to come on out. Coby and Lisa, Arlene’s kids, come out of the woods, dirty and scared, asking if their mama is there. When Sam tells them she isn’t they’re relieved, and ask him to help them hide, and make them something to eat, since they haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday. Sam agrees, and starts to lead them back to the bar, when Jason and Andy come down the hill. Jason announces that they’re taking off, to go to the sheriff’s office and arm themselves. Sam warns them that it’s too dangerous, and they argue for a bit, but Jason insists. Sam tells Jason he’s a damn fool, twice even, and Jason runs into a tree and smacks his head before angrily calling out at Sam, “You’re welcome for me saving your life!” Sam ignores him, as he takes the kids inside to eat. Jason gets in the truck, and says “Can you believe that? What an asshole,” Andy, who’s joined him, says “Welcome to my world, Jason.”
While Jason and Andy head off to get killed, Lafayette stands on his porch, gun at the ready, while Sookie sits. She asks if he at least wants to sit down, but he refuses. Sookie’s phone buzzes; she got a five hour old text message from Bill, and declares that she’s getting a new cell phone as soon as Eric pays her. Lafayette, incredulous, asks if she’s working for Eric; Sookie brushes him off with an ‘mhm’, and tells him Bill won’t be back until tomorrow. Lafayette remarks that they better not count on Bill to rescue them. Inside, Tara is working on her mother, trying to convince to let her out of the handcuffs, and it’s working, –Tara promises to forgive Lettie Mae for everything if she turns her loose. Tara’s mother goes on her knees to prey, and outside, Lafayette asks Sookie what it was like inside Tara’s head. Sookie tells him it was like there were no limits, that anything could and would happen, that you could feel your insides expanding, and an emptying out of everything at the center of your being, and you don’t want it to stop, ever. Lafayette says “Damn that sounds nice.”
At Merlotte’s, Sam gives the kids sandwiches and chips, promising there’s more if they want it. Lisa asks Sam what’s wrong with their mama, and Sam admits that he doesn’t know, but he thinks she’s sick. Coby asks if she’s blind, and Sam says maybe sometimes. The kids worry that she’s going to die, but Sam reassures them that Arlene won’t die. Sam asks if Arlene has ‘been sick’ in front of them a lot. They tell him that she doesn’t seem sick, she seems crazy, that she’s always kissing Terry, and doing other gross stuff when her eyes get weird. They start pestering Sam, who gets steadily more clueless, about getting their mama a doctor, or something to make her like she used to be, or a vampire, and they agree that a vampire would know what to do, then they ask where Vampire Bill is, but Sam, overwhelmed, admits he doesn’t know where Bill is. They ask if he knows any other vampires, and Sam gets that “well, damn…” look on his face. On Lafayette’s porch, Sookie asks how his leg is, and Lafayette tells her it’s better than ever.
Sookie asks Lafayette how that happened, and Lafayette tells him Eric made him drink his blood. Sookie tells him that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood as well, but then asks if Lafayette has had any “dreams.” Lafayette looks at her funny, and asks how she’d know that. Sookie asks what kind of dreams, and Lafayette tells her about freaky but fantastic sex dreams, which is weird because Lafayette hates Eric. Lettie Mae comes running out of the house, sobbing, which interrupts them. Lettie Mae tells them that one of them needs to go sit with Tara while she keeps guard, because Tara can’t hurt them as much as she hurts her. Sookie denies it, but Lafayette asks if Lettie Mae will shoot herself. She tells him to respect her, since she’s the one who taught him how to shoot a gun. After some deliberation, and finding out that Lettie Mae used to shoot at cats that shit in her yard, Lafayette hands Lettie Mae the gun. Wrong thing to do. She turns the gun on him and hollers to Tara that she’s got the gun.
Lettie Mae tells Lafayette to go unlock Tara’s handcuffs, but he refuses. She fires the gun into the porch roof, and Lafayette collapses in a panic attack. Sookie hisses at Lettie Mae that Lafayette was recently shot. Lettie Mae ignores her, and tells her to go unlock Tara’s cuffs, but Sookie argues and tells her that she’s already seen what Maryann is like. Lettie Mae tells her that she has a chance to win her baby back, and she’s obviously taking it. Sookie gets the keys from the paralyzed Lafayette, and goes inside, giving Lettie Mae a venomous look as she goes into the house to unlock Tara. Outside, Lafayette is having a spaz attack, imagining Eric’s head on Lettie Mae’s body, saying all kinds of nasty things to him, and getting closer, threatening to shoot him, and kill him, and so on. Poor Lafayette. But seeing Eric in a dress is definitely worth the price of admission; or in this case, the ridiculous price of premium channels on cable or satellite. Sookie and Tara coming out, while Lafayette is huddled behind a lawn chair, hiding his eyes. Sookie asks what the hell Lettie Mae did to him, and she says nothing, but Sookie goes to Lafayette to comfort him.
Lettie Mae tells Tara to go, and never forget that she did this for her. Tara runs down the stairs, but turns and asks Sookie for her keys. Sookie gives them to her, and tells her she’s being a fucking idiot. Agreed all around, good god. Why in the hell is Tara so god damn important anyway? She’s barely in the books, and yet, she takes up at least 1/3 of the show with her dramatic bullshit, and all she does is bitch, and whine, and bitch and whine, and cuss people out, and bitch and whine! Can we please have less of Tara’s annoying ass in the 3rd season?! Please! Tara takes off in Sookie’s car, while Jason and Andy head to the sheriff’s office. Jason and Andy discuss whether Sam, as a dog, screwing another dog, is bestiality, or just nature, when they pull up at the Bon Temps Sheriff’s Office and see a woman in her underwear running around with toilet paper in her hand. Jason tells Andy they gotta fix things, and there’s no way he’s gonna let weird shit like this take over his town. Jason gets out of the truck, and Andy follows him. Inside, some dingy bitch is telling someone on the phone, “You dialed 911 and got me, oh honey, you are fucked.” Yeah, no doubt.
Rosie hangs up to go rub up against ‘Detective Bellefleur,’ then sees Jason and practically tackles him, asking if he’d like to get fucked every which way but north… Andy tells him to come on, but Jason explains that he can keep her from telling anyone else that they’re here. Andy sees the sense in that, and takes off to get “the heat” while Rosie promises to turn Jason inside out, while climbing all over him and grunting. Inside the weapons room, Andy unlocks a gun locker, and loads up on shotgun shells, but suddenly, a gun fires off behind him. Bud Dearborn is standing there with no pants, gun in hand, asking Andy to dance with him. Bud drags Andy over and starts line dancing with him, and Andy manages to get the gun away from him. Before Sheriff Dearborn can kick up much of a fuss about losing his gun, he declares he has to take a dump, and runs off laughing, with one hand over his ass. Andy looks as disgusted as the rest of us are. Outside, on Lafayette’s porch, Lettie Mae asks why Lafayette is shaking, and Sookie hollers that he’s traumatized. Lettie Mae says, and truthfully, that she is too.
Sookie leans down and whispers to Lafayette, that she’s fixing to do something, and needs him to move fast; she asks him if he can grab the gun as soon as Lettie Mae drops it, and Lafayette says he can. Sookie asks Lettie Mae if she can lower the gun, because Lafayette is freaking out. As soon as Lettie Mae lowers the rifle, Sookie fast as all hell, snatches a heavy ash tray, and with dead aim, throws it right at Lettie Mae’s head. Smash, dead on, cold cocked the bitch! Daaaay-um! Lettie Mae drops the gun, Lafayette grabs it, and he and Sookie take off to go get Tara, while Lettie Mae hollers that it isn’t her fault. At Fangtasia, Sam waits in his Jeep with Lisa and Coby; Lisa asks Sam if he knew her daddy, and Sam, if possible, is even more uncomfortable. He tells Lisa that her daddy and Arlene split up before he came to town, but that he had heard about him. Lisa asks what Sam heard, and Sam tells her he’d heard he was a wild card, with a big personality.
Lisa says that she doesn’t even know what her daddy looks like, because Arlene cut him out of all their pictures. All she knows is that “his name is Dwayne, and he tattooed mama’s name on his stomach.” Sam leans back and tells her, “Well, he must have loved her a lot, because you know that hurt.” That made me giggle; you’re damn right it hurt. Sam looks back at the entrance, and spies none other than Ginger walking in. He gets out of the Jeep and tries to catch her at the door, hollering excuse me, –Ginger starts screaming, as Ginger is often known to do. Poor thing. Sam tells her she doesn’t have to be scared of him, that he’s just there to see Eric. Ginger tells him that Eric won’t be there till after dark, and Sam stares at her for a moment before saying, “Well, obviously,” then tells her he has two kids in the car, and asks if he can wait inside with them. Ginger tells him no, that she can’t let anyone in without Eric’s permission. Sam offers her $100, and Ginger most likely accepts, because, God bless her, she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box.
On the road to Sookie’s house, Lafayette drives with the rifle in hand, and Sookie offers to hold it, but Lafayette is still a bit tweaked out, and tells her no. Sookie asks if he’s okay, and he tells her no. Sookie tells him flat out that she needs him to get his shit together, because she can’t do this alone. Lafayette tells her he knows, and Sookie tells him they need to get in, get Tara, and get the hell out, and Lafayette shakily agrees. Sookie tells him that if Maryann gives them any trouble, he has to shoot her; again, shaky agreement from the traumatized Lafayette. Sookie tells him firmly that she means it, to shoot Maryann in the head. Bet that’d do a lot of good, since Maryann is frigging bulletproof, and vampire proof, and apparently, food-poisoning proof, what with all the nasty shit she’s been doing with dead thing, and stuff. At Sookie’s house, Tara approaches Eggs, and tries to get the loopy, black-eyed zombie to go out with her, but Maryann approaches, and tells Tara that everything she wants is right there, then tries to welcome her back, but Tara isn’t having it.
Tara tells Maryann that she doesn’t know what she is, but she wants out. Maryann tells her it’s too late for that, and Tara hollers that she made her eat someone’s heart. But Maryann says she loved it, to admit it. Tara tells her that her and Eggs have nothing to do with what’s going on, if it’s Sam she wants. Maryann then reveals that it was Tara who summoned her; in the woods, at Tara’s fake exorcism, Maryann says Tara was seeing her, or herself, through Maryann. Maryann tells her that even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, she still called up the energy to summon Maryann with her ritual. Maryann does the vibrator impression, but Tara hollers that it won’t work on her anymore. Maryann walks up to Tara, smiles, and punches her in the face. When Tara lifts her head, her eyes have gone black again. Well, what a fucking waste of time it was, getting her back to normal. Tara grins, and Maryann giggles, saying “That’s more like it,” –Eggs and Tara go upstairs to screw, when suddenly, the mob that witness the “smiting” of Sam Merlotte comes pouring in, to report for “debriefing.”
Terry, Arlene, and Mike Spencer tell Maryann what happened, and she calls them all fucking morons, then somehow makes a really nasty noise like nails on a chalkboard. They all scream and howl, and Maryann screams at them to get out, then decides to just get Sam herself. At the sheriff’s office, Jason has Rosie tied to a chair with phone cord. She offers to blow him, while he tries to get information about ammo and weapons out of her, but all she wants to do is get dirty. Jason tells her he wouldn’t feel right about it; damn right, she’d probably bite your dick off. Kevin sneaks up behind Jason and puts a gun to his head, asking what the game is with one bullet in the gun, and you don’t know if it’ll go off or not, “Chinese Firedrill?” Jason tells him it’s Russian Roulette, while Rosie cheers for Kevin, “the squirrely deputy”, to shoot Jason, so she can see what happens to his head. Kevin pulls the trigger, but nothing happens. Andy comes out of nowhere, and tells Kevin to drop the gun, but Kevin aims at Andy and fires, –the gun goes off this time. Andy goes down, and Jason tackles Kevin, calling him a stupid fucker, and wrestles the gun away from Kevin, ready to shoot.
Andy tells Jason it’s okay; he’s wearing Kevlar. Jason asks Andy if he has one for him, but Andy only has the one. Jason is put out, and looks over at Rosie, who appears to be screwing her chair. At the Fortenberry house, Hoyt watches his mama as she makes a big mess of casserole with all kinds of nasty shit in it. Hoyt goes to see what she’s doing, as she adds hot sauce to a bunch of candy bars, chips, shredded cheese, and other gross shit. Hoyt tells her nobody’s gonna eat it, but she assures him that “He will,” and they have to hurry. Hoyt tells her they ain’t going anywhere, and she starts babbling about what’s going to happen to Maryann when”He” shows up. Hoyt tells her again they’re not going, and that when his daddy died, he promised her he’d take care of her, but Maxine blows him off. Hoyt tells Maxine that he’s already let too much bad happen to her, and she says he hasn’t let enough bad happen to her, that she’s always wanted to go to Merlotte’s, get drunk and get a man, but no, –she snarls, that she had to take of Hoyt, and shoves him.
Hoyt tells her that she isn’t herself right now, –instead of telling her there isn’t a state of inebriation that exists that would induce someone to sleep with her. She tells him that he’s as much of a pansy as his daddy, and Hoyt argues that his daddy was a hero. Uh oh, things get nasty real soon. Maxine tells Hoyt bitterly that she thinks his daddy was a homosexual, because he liked to dance so much, and that he killed himself, was a secret drinker, and that she lied about him being shot by a burglar for the insurance money, –then calls him a dumbass. Good god, what a bitch. Outside of Sookie’s house, we’re treated to a full frontal view of a naked old fat guy, dancing around the big smelly statue of rotting gross shit. Sookie tells Lafayette that Gran lived and died in that house, and now it’s like people who are the exact opposite of everything Gran was, are defiling her. Sookie goes on, that even though she was almost raped in Dallas, this was worse. Lafayette tells her they can’t help it, they’re not doing it on purpose, –they’re not themselves.
Sookie tells Lafayette that the first time she met Maryann she knew there was something seriously wrong about her, that Maryann was thinking creepy foreign stuff, and she could tell it wasn’t good. Lafayette tells Sookie she couldn’t have stopped her, but Sookie asks why there’s so much wrong in the world, why so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people. He tells her it’s because they’re weak. Sookie tells him she isn’t, or afraid, and she’s going to kick that bitch’s evil ass out of her Gran’s house, and that he is going to shoot her. Lafayette agrees, “in the fuckin’ head.” Arlene hollers that they’re trespassing, and have to pay a fine, –from above them where her and Terry are sitting on a tree branch. Hm, pretty weird. They jump down, and Arlene tells them that the fine is $100 million, and Lafayette’s pants. Terry tries to take Lafayette’s gun, but he offers them drugs instead. Arlene tells him she does not take drugs, thank you, but Terry asks what he has.
Lafayette whips out his little bag of pills, but Arlene stops Terry and tells him drugs are for losers. Terry assures her it’ll make sex “real nice,” so Arlene agrees, thrusts out her hand, and says gimme at Lafayette. He starts tossing pills at them, and Sookie tells them she’s going in through the back porch. Lafayette promises to come in behind her, when he’s done with Terry and Arlene. At Fangtasia, Eric asks why he should help Sam, a “shifter”, –ooh, guess vampires don’t like them. Sam tells him because they need his help, and one day, he’ll pay him back. Eric asks if Sam can get him Sookie Stackhouse, –Pam rolls her eyes, –but Sam says no. Eric brings up the fact that Sam isn’t friendly towards vampires, and asks why he should trust Sam. Sam says because until someone starts trusting someone else, then everybody is a target, ripe for the picking. Eric admits he has no knowledge of the maenad, but he suspects it was the bull-headed creature that passed through recently, and Pam says “that thing owes me a new pair of shoes.” Well, Maryann doesn’t really wear shoes, but maybe she has a Sears card Pam can borrow.
Sam asks if Eric will help them or not, and Eric says he does know someone who might have some information, –but only might. Hmmm, Bill said the same thing about the Queen. Gosh, apparently, everybody thinks the Queen is a useless pain in the ass. Coby asks Eric if they can see his fangs, and Eric shows them. Lisa leans back, and Eric asks her if she likes vampires. Sam hollers at Eric, but he ignores him. Lisa tells Eric that their almost-step-daddy hated vampires, but they don’t. Coby nods, and says “He went on vacation with Jesus.” Pam states “You make me so happy I never had any of you.” Eric tells her come on, they’re funny, they’re like humans but miniature. “Teacup humans.” That’s hilarious, I giggled. Pam says in Eric’s language, “I hate them. They’re so stupid.” Eric answers her, “But delicious.” Aww, jeez, poor kids. Sam interrupts them and asks if he can call the person who might have information, and Eric says he’ll go see her, but he has to leave right away. Eric offers to walk them out, while Pam calls behind them, again in Eric’s language, ” Please get those horrible things out of here. I’ll be smelling them for a week.” Eric chuckles as he walks out.
Sam confirms that Eric has his cell phone number, and Eric tells him he’ll let him know if he finds anything out. He leans over and tells the kids, “Good night tiny humans,” then winks, and flies straight up in the air. The kids are amazed, but Sam is done with all that shit. He packs the kids into the car, looking around, all paranoid. On the back porch, at Sookie’s house, Jane Bodehouse is singing the weird chant to the tune of ‘Row Your Boat’, while sawing off one of her fingers. As Sookie enters, she holds it up for her to see, and declares that it’s a present. Sookie swallows, tries to smile some, and walks quickly away, into the filthy kitchen. A man is sitting in the kitchen sink, naked, messing around with what looks like, something’s intestines. Suddenly, Mike Spencer grabs Sookie’s ankle, and asks her if she remembers when her Gran was laying there, all bloody and dead. Sookie stares at him and says, “Of course I do.” He tells her to come down there with him, but Sookie tells him no, and tries to pull away.
Mike Spencer starts screaming, is joined by the nut in the sink, then Jane Bodehouse too; Sookie joins Mike on the floor so he’ll shut up. Mike tells her she smells good, and Sookie replies “You don’t, not at all.” Mike declares that it makes you feel alive, being in the presence of death, and then starts asking nasty questions about her and Bill. He tells her it ain’t natural and it ain’t right, –Sookie says he’s in no position to say what’s natural or right. While Sookie cuddles with the fat, smelly Mike Spencer on the floor, Bill is sitting with the Queen, in sunglasses, and swim trunks by the pool. How utterly bizarre. She asks him what he’d like to eat, before they play Yahtzee, and gestures to the line of pretty people across the pool from them. Bill tells her he only feeds from Sookie, –the blonde by the pool turns when she hears Sookie’s name, and the Queen takes her sunglasses off, and snaps, “Why on earth would you do that?” Bill asks, before the Queen can go off on one of her rambling monologues, if she’s told him everything, then can he leave.
Instead of answering, the Queen calls for some absolutely brainless looking guy in the line. And of course, the Queen insists that he try him. The little nerdy guys tells Bill, with an accent, “I vill have-a sex with you.” Bill tells him that won’t be necessary, and goes ahead and bites him. The Queen grins, saying with fangs out, that she loves to watch two men together. Lafayette stealthily creeps through the woods around Sookie’s house, but Maryann and Carl catch him; she calls, “Can I help you?” then goes into all the different names and qualities of ‘Horse Nettle’. She walks closer to Lafayette, and he warns her, but she keeps coming, and Lafayette shoots. Maryann holds her hand out it front of her, –the bullet glances off and hits Carl right in the head, and he drops dead where he was standing. Maryann looks over, and says poor Carl; “he didn’t advance much in this lifetime.” She continues to approach Lafayette, saying, “You cook, don’t you?” Lafayette stares at her, –and meanwhile, the Queen, Bill, her boytoy, and a girl in pigtails play Yahtzee.
Bill, looking miserable, tells the Queen he needs to leave; when the Queen ignores him he gets up to go. She says, finally, that “maenads are sad, silly things. The world changed centuries ago, and they’re still waiting for ‘the god who comes.'” Bill asks if ‘he’ ever comes, and the Queen says, “Of course not, gods never actually show up. They only exist in humans’ minds; like money, and morality.” Bill asks, if he can’t kill Maryann, how will he get her to leave the town, and the Queen answers, “She has to believe that she’s successfully summoned forth Dionysus, in hopes that he will ravish her and quite literally devour her until she’s lost into oblivion.” Bill, getting it, says, “So she seeks… death. The true death. The one thing she’s evolved beyond.” The Queen answers, “I know, ironic isn’t it? They’re really not that smart, these maenads.” Bill asks how she summons this nonexistent god, but the Queen tells him, “I never said he was nonexistent, I just said he never comes. She believes, if she finds the perfect vessel, sacrifices and devours part of him, or her, while surrounded by the magic of her familiars, then her mad god will appear. At that point when she willingly surrenders herself to him, –” Bill cuts her off, and says that’s when she can be killed.
The Queen sassily asks who the smartest boy in class is, and I swear, the dingy foreign guy almost raises his hand. Bill asks if the perfect vessel is a human, and the Queen tells him they prefer supernatural beings, –though they don’t like vampires, because their hearts aren’t beating. She rambles on, calling maenads idiots, until a security guard approaches; she excuses herself, and tells Hadley to entertain Bill. Hadley is Sookie’s cousin! She asks Bill how her cousin Sookie is, and Bill, surprised, tells her Sookie is good. Hadley tells Bill to be sure to tell her Hadley said hey, then asks how Gran is, –Bill doesn’t know what to say, but Hadley goes on to say that she’d love to talk to her sometimes, but she owes her so much money. Bill tells Hadley that he thinks it’s best if they’re not in touch, and Hadley tells him she knows, that there’s no place for her in that world anymore. Aww, poor Hadley, she seems like such a sweetypie. She tells Bill she still thinks about them though, and smiles.
The Queen turns back to the small group, and announces that Bill’s “friend”, Mr. Northman, is there. Bill says that it’s definitely time for him to go, while the mouthy blond idiot Queen, who probably screwed her way to the top anyway, blahs on about alpha male posturing, and suggests they fuck each other. Bill thanks her for seeing him, and she tells him to enjoy his restricted diet. Before Bill leaves, the Queen tells him that she looks forward to meeting “her”, –as in, Sookie. Bill smiles, nods, and leaves. The Queen resumes playing, and yay, she gets Yahtzee on her first roll. Hurray for boring dice games that go on forever! Bill and Eric meet outside, and Bill asks Eric why he’s there. Eric tells him he was hoping the Queen could tell him how to kick a maenads’ ass, and Bill asks him if he wants to do it so he can look like a hero to Sookie. Eric tells him that his paranoia is unbecoming, and asks if Sookie has mentioned him. Bill tells him no, and remarks that it was desperate and pitiful for him to trick Sookie into drinking his blood, so that she would be attracted to him. Eric reminds him, saucily, the Bill did the exact same thing the first night he met, but Bill first asks how Eric knows that, –and argues that Sookie would have died if he hadn’t.
Bill tells Eric to stay away from Sookie, or he’ll tell the Queen that Eric is making humans sell vampire blood. Eric tells Bill he wouldn’t, sober now, and Bill says he won’t, as long as Eric stays away from Sookie. Eric tells Bill that he doesn’t like threats; Bill reiterates the sentiment. Jason and Andy park in the woods, aways from Sookie’s house. Andy asks why they’re parking so far away, and Jason explains that it’s so they can sneak up on them. He hands Andy an energy bar and tells him to load up on carbs. Jason looks like he’s thinking, and god, then he starts saying his thoughts out loud; he asks Andy if Sam could turn into a chicken, and then lay his own eggs, asking how weird it would be to eat somethin’ that just came out of him. Andy looks at him, disgusted, and asks what kind of perverted brain would even think of something like that. Jason tosses his energy bar away, and asks Andy why he never liked him, if it’s because of how much pussy he gets, because, “I ain’t takin any pussy away from you. There is more than enough pussy to go around.”
Andy tells Jason that it isn’t about pussy, he just thinks Jason has had it too easy; like being all-state quarterback. Jason counters that it wasn’t easy, and he’s starting to have knee issues, before he’s 30. He asks Andy what else, and Andy admits that women do just throw themselves at him. Jason tells him that isn’t easy either, he watches a ton of porno to learn things, and he works out a lot. Jason asks again, what else, but Andy has nothing to say. Jason says, “Look, my best friend killed my grandma, and my girlfriend. I come from no money! My mama and my daddy died when I was 11!” –Andy interrupts, “so did mine!” Jason cuts him off and says, “Your daddy died in Vietnam, and your mama ran off with some Yankee race car driver! Now you may hate me Andy Bellefleur, you may think you’re better than me, and maybe you are, but you and me are the ones who have received the calling to save this town! So obviously God wants us to bury the hatchet.” They agree that it’s all up to them, –and God save us if it is, they sure do sound determined. The blind leading the blind.
They get out of the truck after some testosterone infused deliberation, donning shotguns and bandoliers, and head out. Sam is alone, sitting on the steps of his trailer behind the bar, when Bill zips up to him. They face each other, and say nothing for a moment. On the floor at Sookie’s house, Mike is telling her that he’s always hated blood, that he never wanted to be a coroner, or undertaker, –that he wanted to be a DJ or a boat captain. Sookie suggests that they “just do it already,” but only on the condition that she gets to be on top. Mike says that’s fine, since it’s better for his back anyway. Sookie straddles him, grabs an iron pan out of the sink, and bashes him on the head. Mike Spencer’s head drops like a rock, and he’s out like a light. Sookie runs out of the kitchen, and up the stairs, where she finds, in her room, a man modeling one of her dresses in the mirror. He asks if it’s too much and she backs out, closing the door behind her, muttering “way too much.” Good god, I’d say so, unless he’s going to be on-stage with Marilyn Manson anytime soon. Sookie heads down the wall to her grandmother’s room, where Tara and Eggs are smashing everything sight. Those fuckers.
Now, if I saw that shit, there isn’t a force on this earth that could keep me from shooting them, friends or not, aware of what they’re doing or not. It’s not murder to shoot them in the legs, it’s maiming; and I would definitely maim someone breaking my gramma’s things. Sookie wrestles with Tara over some of Gran’s knitting left in a chair, but Tara snatches it away, declaring that it’s for the nest. On the bed, in a giant nest, is a huge effing egg, –what the hell laid that? Someone reaches out and touches Tara on the shoulder; Lafayette asks where she’s been, that he was looking for her. Sookie sees that his eyes are black, and screams. And that’s where they leave us! Huge effing eggs, zombified Lafayette, Jason and Andy coming to the rescue, Bill and Sam having a quiet moment together, and Eric meeting the Queen. Ooh, whatever will the season finale hold for us? You’ll find out, be patient. ;)