Upstairs, in Sookie’s bedroom, Sookie is screaming, which looks all muddled and distorted in Lafayette’s vision. He tells Tara and Eggs that Maryann wants her downstairs with the egg, now. Tara takes the egg, laughing like a lunatic, and the two head off. Sookie tries to get to Lafayette, but all he’s thinking is the weird old chant; he tells her to take off her clothes, and for a moment, it looks like he’s about to rape Sookie, –but thank god, his flamboyant gayness remains intact. He lifts a white dress out of a shopping bag, and tells her to put it on. He hurls her downstairs a moment later, propelling her by one arm, into what looks like Sookie’s living room, where all the women are done up in white dresses, and lo and behold, that crazy bitch Maryann is wearing Gran’s wedding dress, –Sookie is heartily displeased. The nutcase tells Sookie she’s going to be her maid of honor. Oh goody. I guess this will sort of be the quintessencial shotgun wedding? Cue the theme song! This is the season finale of season 2 of True Blood, and good god, we have to wait FOREVER for season 3! And please, O Master of True Blood, Alan Ball, please, can we have less Tara bullshit in the next season?!
Downstairs, in Sookie’s house, Maryann is attended by her zombified bridesmaids. Eggs is holding Sookie as she struggles to get away from the goofy looking egghead, while Sookie tells Maryann off, about just coming in and taking over all her shit, –her house, her Gran’s dress, her friends, –except Jane Bodehouse. Jane tells Sookie she’s always liked Sookie for giving her extra pickles. Sookie promises Maryann that she’s not going to let “this” happen. What exactly does she mean? Seems like Maryann has clusterfucked everything up plenty; as a matter of fact, in the scheme of things, it seems like she pretty much accomplishes what she set out to do. Maryann tells her little bridesmaids to scoot off, so she can talk to Sookie alone, and they take off, with Eggs following them at Maryann’s command. Maryann wants Sookie to do her electricity thing again; apparently, she liked it. Sookie tries, but can’t, and smacks Maryann’s shoulders in frustration. Maryann tells her, “That’s hitting me,” and tells Sookie she isn’t committing herself to what she’s doing. Damn right, committing yourself to hitting Maryann, in my view, would be taking a whole package of ephedrine, an aluminum baseball bat with nails welded into it, and then hitting her.
Sookie argues with Maryann that she doesn’t have any special powers, that she’s a human being, but Maryann doesn’t believe her, and demonstrates why: Maryann does her impression of a vibrator, and nothing happens! She tells Sookie if she were human, she’d be her mindless little goon by now, and asks Sookie again, “What are you?” Sookie, unphased as always, snaps back, “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” Neener. At the Fortenberry doublewide, Maxine is dancing around the kitchen and singing in a toneless growl that will surely be the biggest scare of this episode, –when suddenly, she sees Hoyt’s asleep, grabs her casserole of doom, and makes a break for it. She runs into a yarn trip-wire which jerks Hoyt’s arm up. He wakes up and runs to catch his crazy hag of a mother. Hoyt tells her that he’s going to try to forget everything she said while she was all zombified. Maxine tries to fight him off, throws things at him, and tries to run again, but he catches her and forces her back in.
Maryann continues her interrogation in Sookie’s living room, asking if Sookie if she’s ever felt anyone watching over her; Sookie answers yes, but felt that it was God, –in the Christian sense. Maryann tells her that it wasn’t the kind of God Sookie is thinking of, and Sookie remembers the night she threw the chain at Mack Rattray, when it wrapped around his neck and squeezed tight. Oooh, very interesting. Sookie asks Maryann what she is, but Maryann has no answer, other than Sookie is beyond human, with energy she can’t channel, which is rare but not unique in Bon Temps, –and Sookie remembers Sam. She asks Maryann if she’s planning to marry Sam, and Maryann looks genuinely offended, then goes on about how she’s marrying a god. Honey, we all thought that at first; sure, he’s a god, then ten years later, it’s lite beer, sex on an annual basis, meaningful relationships with Oprah, and if you’re lucky, it’s alimony and an affair with your mailman.
Maryann explains that Sam is just the wedding present, pht, more like the reception dinner. Gross. She starts getting choked up about how long she’s waited for this, and Sookie asks how she knows ‘He’ is even coming. Maryann is sure of it though, and tells Sookie the time has never been more perfect. Sookie tells Maryann that Sam hasn’t done anything to deserve being sacrificed amongst a bunch of loonies, but Maryann tells Sookie about how Sam appeared to her as the ideal vessel; naked, a virgin, and drawn to the statue that represents the birth of her god. Remember the weird looking, barely humanoid statue that Maryann drags around with her everywhere? Yeah, that one. Maryann reveals that Sookie is there because Sam will come running for her; so as Sam’s sacrifice, i.e., the cutting out of his heart, will bring Maryann’s special god, Sookie will draw Sam there, “running like a dog, maybe even as a dog.” Maryann has a hell of a sense of humor. For a manipulative, lunatic psycho bitch, I can sort of see the appeal in wanting to be super good friends with her. The zombie part is a downside, but sex, drugs, running around naked, –well, the music isn’t exactly great. Eh… maybe being forced to screw to the sounds of two guys banging on “authentic” drums from Pier 1 Imports isn’t as fun as it looks.
Maryann places a big leafy garland on Sookie’s head declares it beautiful. Right up until aphids starts crawling around on her scalp, sure, looks great. At the Queen’s high security fortress, Eric is playing Yahtzee as if he were being forced to withstand the torments of a thumbscrew, and looks even less enthusiastic when the Queen tells him they play to five million. Good god, by one million I’d be trying to drown myself in her pool. Rather than repeat every vacuous thing the Queen says, I’ll give you the highlights; she tells Eric the death of his maker, “blows.” How kind, what a nice sentiment, tell me, do you practice flippantly commenting on the deaths of other vampires that are obviously far more superior? The Queen has mad “intellectual” skills. While Eric tries to thank her, the Queen hollers “Yahtzee!”, and after her little outburst, she asks Eric what he said, then interrupts him again to ask him if he knew there was a maenad in Renard Parish, –the location of Bon Temps. Eric reminds her that is the reason he came, and she tells him he shouldn’t get involved.
The Queen tells Eric she told Bill a bunch of “hand-me-down folklore” that could be either “gospel or gorilla shit.” What an attractive female. Then she tells Eric, as if it were the biggest scandal, that she thinks Bill is monogamous with his human; oh no, what is the world coming to?! Eric confirms that Bill is in love with her, and Hadley speaks up, “he is?” but gets a deadly look from the Queen, and looks back down. The Queen tells Eric that she isn’t surprised, that Eric’s probably in love with Sookie too, but Eric denies loving humans; the Queen tells Eric that Sookie isn’t entirely human, and asks if he’s tasted her. Eric, with unabashed regret, tells the Queen no, and she warns him not to ever, because one vampire falling in love is bad enough. They agree that Bill Compton has a knack for finding trouble, and then she asks, out of the blue, –oh shit, –how Bill knows that she is making Eric sell vampire blood for her. Where the fuck did that come from? I guess shit rolls downhill after all. The Queen tells him that the guards hear everything, and Eric tells her that Bill doesn’t know that she is supplying it.
The Queen snaps up from her seat, and pins Eric, fangs out, and tells him, “He better not. I’m holding you responsible,” she kisses him all nasty, but there’s not really anything in it, other than a sort of ‘haha I can make your dick hard before I kill you’ sort of female dominatrix thing. Eric’s fangs pop out, and she tells him they’re lovely, –in comparison to hers, which look like big nasty tusks, –and she tells him even though he’s the oldest and strongest vampire in her ‘Queendom’ (now there’s a funny word), she can own his fangs as earrings. Eric answers that he understands, and promises to personally take care of Bill Compton. Before they can start getting all nasty on the floor, the dingy foreign guy clears his throat and tells Eric, “It’s your turn to make-a Yahtzee.” They sit up, and have an awkward moment, before Eric throws the dice, stares at them, and the Queen tells him he sucks at it. Well, Yahtzee isn’t the most manly game now is it, you dentally deformed pop-philosophic bitch from turn of the 20th century hell?
In the woods near Sookie’s house, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur prepare to ‘storm the fortress.’ Jason gears himself up with a bunch of action movie quotes, the last of which is, “I love the smell of nail polish in the morning.” Uh huh… well, we can hope that he isn’t smelling it out of a paper bag held over his mouth and nose, at least. After some debate, Jason convinces Andy to storm into the midst of the nutcases frolicking around Gran’s lawn, –Bud Dearborn, sans the pants, singing into a sausage is probably one of the best scenes. It takes about twenty seconds for them to become zombified; Andy, the lush, goes first, then Jason. Jason grabs the first gross old hag he sees and starts making out with her. Egads, if there’s anything that might make you want to puke in your soup, that’d be it. At Merlotte’s, Sam approaches Bill after putting Arlene’s kids to bed in his trailer, and Bill goes about the process of making Sam face Maryann. Sam naturally, is a little resitant, but Bill indicates, with fangs out, that he doesn’t plan to give Sam a choice.
In Sookie’s living room, everybody is taking turns licking the egg after a swig of wine, and finally, we find out where the egg comes from. Sookie voices a question we’ve all been asking for a week: “What is with the egg? Did you lay it?” If so, licking it is highly unsanitary, and still is. Think of the germs, people! Does the word “mono” mean anything to you? Maryann tells Sookie it’s an ostrich egg, to symbolize fertility, and then the group forces Sookie to lick it too. Nasty. She should have asked if she could lick the egg first, and avoid having everyone else’s spit in her mouth. Ah, bachelorette party games; Sacrifice the Shapeshifter, Lick the Fertility Egg, –what will they come up with next? Jason and Andy bust in and interrupt the ladies, to announce that the vessel has arrived! Woohoo! Let’s get it started in here, let’s get several degrees more retarded in here! Unfortunately, no one busts out into a song dance routine, they just get all giggly and excited, and ready for Maryann’s big moment.
Sookie is upset that Jason’s been turned zombie, but the state doesn’t seem to have altered him much; he tells Sookie she looks beautiful. Sookie says she won’t be part of Maryann’s wedding, and the original bridezilla threatens to kill her brother if she doesn’t; Sookie agrees, and Maryann tells Jason to make sure Sookie behaves. They get ready for the long walk “down the aisle”, and Jason drags Sookie along behind him. Andy has the job of holding Maryann’s train, which makes him look a bit like Quasimodo, and Tara gets to hold the egg, yay! Outside, a bunch of nutcases have somehow managed enough coherence to throw together a small orchestra for the Wedding March. Arlene and Jane Bodehouse get to be flower girls, and Lafayette gets to carry the big bull mask. The rest of the crowd chants and watches retard anticipation. Bill arrives, and calls to Maryann that he has the sacrifice; Sookie’s pissed! Bill offers Sam in exchange for Sookie, and despite Sookie, and Sam’s protests, the exchange is made.
Bill holds Sookie, who struggles for Sam, and Sam hollers for Bill to get Sookie out of there, so she doesn’t have to watch him die. Maryann, pleased as punch, tells the pallbearers, or I guess, best men, that Sam is theirs. They take Sam, off to prepare the wedding gift, and Sookie asks Bill accusingly if his vampire told him to sacrifice Sam; Bill only tells her to trust him. Maryann begins the ceremony, and Lafayette places the bull head on top of the big nasty statue, that must really be reeking by now; meat in the sun for a few days? Good god, they’re going to need a fifty gallon drum of Febreeze. Lafayette hollers, “Worship him bitches!” and everyone falls to their knees. Maryann calls for the sacrificial egg, which Tara places inside the nasty statue. Maryann begins hailing her ‘god who comes’, then tells some bastardized version of mythology for the occasion. All you need to know really, is that they need Sam’s heart so that the god can be reborn.
The batshit men of honor carry over the wedding present, Sam, and they set him up; Maryann follows, and tells Sam how lucky he is to have a life that means something. I bet he feels really lucky right about now. Everyone else calls for Maryann to hurry up and sacrifice Sam, while Sookie hollers for Sam to use his gift; Bill pulls Sookie back, and tells her to use hers. Eggs takes the knife and stabs Sam in the chest, Sookie screams, and Maryann tells Eggs to bring her the blood. Eggs obeys, brings Maryann the bloody knife, and she traces a line of Sam’s blood down her throat, half-crying and gibbering about how Sam is surely the vessel that will unite her and her god. Sam calls for Sookie in his thoughts, and Bill lets her go to him; she cries and tells him she’s sorry, but Sam tells her to destroy everything, “all of it.” She goes for the spitty icky egg first, and smashes it on the ground. Too bad, could have made a great big omelett. Tara flips out, hollering that Sookie, “killed our sacred egg!” Sookie hollers that none of this stuff is sacred, then goes about pushing over the giant gross statue. I’m surprised she could touch it without barfing; the thing was probably crawling with flies and dancing rice.
The purple electric light comes from Sookie’s hands again, and she pushes over the huge statue of rotting crap, and then everybody goes nuts. Maryann throws a big bridezilla fit, and apologizes to Dionysus for Sookie’s ruining the offering, then decides to sacrifice all of them. She does her human vibrator impersonation, and makes that nails-on-chalkboard sound, which has all her zombie pals writhing on their knees in agony. Sookie hollers at Maryann to stop, and she does, because now she’s decided to kill Sookie instead. Maryann puts her hands in the dirt, and comes back up with big slimy claws, then heads toward Sookie, –who runs off. And the chase is on! A grunting maenad chases after Sookie, and both of them are in formal-wear, so it’s anybody’s guess as to who trips first, but wait, oh no, it’s Sookie by a landslide! Before Maryann can start slashing Sookie with her big, ugly claws, there’s a distinctly bovine, loud sound up ahead.
A large white bull trots out of the darkness; is it really Maryann’s god/new husband? Her claws turn back into hands, and she whispers, “My lord. My husband.” Maryann approaches the big bull, and touches its nose, –which is disgusting, if you’ve ever done such a thing, it’s not nearly as romanctic as they make it look here. Maryann starts crying, which is actually really sad, because she’s spent thousands of years alive, waiting for this; she tells him to come to her, then opens her arms. The bull walks slowly toawards her, then gores her with one horn, ripping from her belly to her chest, thus ruining forever Gran’s wedding dress. Damn. The bull jerks his horn up and down, which is pretty gross, because Maryann has black blood. Maryann tells the bull she is happy to die, and suddenly, the bull turns into Sam Merlotte, who tears out Maryann’s still-beating heart. She looks genuinely shocked, and totally miserable, and asks softly, “Was there no god?” Again, this is still pretty sad; Sam crushes her heart in his hand.
Maryann’s face instantly turns black, splits open, and she crumples on the ground. It all looks really gross, especially when Sam, who is standing naked, lets her black, mushy heart flop out of his hand. Sookie watches from where she sits on the ground, and back in her yard, everyone returns to normal, the black in their eyes disappears, and they look around, totally shocked to find themselves in the midst of various bizarre scenes of debauchery. Eggs looks especially troubled, with blood all over his hands. Sookie rushes up to Sam and hugs him, wondering aloud, the same thing the rest of us are wondering, –that Eggs killed him, so …er, wtf? Sam tells her no, almost, and Bill comes limping up the road holding his wrist. Bill falls to his knees as Sookie goes to him, and asks if Maryann is gone, telling Sookie that Sam had to drink more from him than he expected. He explains that he promised Sam he would heal him, if he went to Maryann, because they knew of no other way to destroy the maenad.
Sookie tells Bill she understands, and Bill explains that he wished Sookie could read his thoughts. Sam walks up, and Sookie, amazed, states that he was willing to die for all of them, but Sam says that Bill promised he wouldn’t let that happen, though Sam admits he was ready if things didn’t work out. Sam is now wearing pants, which is a little sad too. Tara and Jason approach, and Jason is the first to say “Holy fuck!” when he sees Maryann’s body. Sookie comforts Tara, and tells Bill to get rid of the body, and she doesn’t care where it’s buried, and tells Jason and Sam to get everybody home. Uh, hello, poor Bill is pretty severely weakened, and Jason can barely tie his own shoes. Jason wants to know what happened, but Sookie tells him not now, and hisses at him to get everyone off of her lawn. Bill approaches Maryann’s body, probably thinking, “God, I have to -touch that-, after I almost died saving a guy I don’t like? This Sookie bitch is high maintenance, I need to find a less demanding blond.”
Tara is still upset, even though everything’s over, and tells Sookie she has a sick feeling that it’s not. Hoyt Fortenberry is on his knees, hugging Maxine, thanking God his mama is okay, while she wonders how they got home. Hoyt asks her what she remembers, and the last thing she can recall is “meetin’ that redheaded vampire” of his, and then, –before she can continue what surely would have been an ugly speech, she finds the bandaids on her neck, over the bite marks Jessica left. Maxine starts freaking out and accusing Hoyt of letting a vampire feed on her, but he explains to her that he brought her straight home. Maxine starts in on a tirade, asking what kind of evil monster would attack an “innocent” person for “no reason.” Hoyt tells his mama that Jessica was “provoked”, and when Maxine’s head snaps up, Hoyt explains that he knew it wasn’t really her, and that she was just saying a bunch of nasty things she didn’t mean. Mm, I’m one of those people who thinks that alcohol is a tongue loosener, and what comes from your mouth when you’re liquored up, comes from the mind, –only the mouth is too stupid with booze to close. And Maxine’s zombified state was similar.
Maxine asks what she said, and Hoyt tells her that she said a bunch of nasty, spiteful things about Jessica, about him, and about his daddy, a bunch of lies about how he shot himself. Maxine looks down and away. Hoyt asks her if it was true, asking if it really was a burglar, but Maxine doesn’t say anything. Hoyt sits back, miserable, and his mother tells him he should know the truth, now that he’s nearly thirty. Hoyt gets up and leaves her sitting there, and hollers that he should have known the truth when he was ten. Hoyt goes on, “…or hell, when I was twenty-five! All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, you keep me from going to college, from doing anything! All because you were scared of some burglar that never existed.” Maxine starts blubbering, claiming she was scared, still is, that Hoyt is all she has left, that she had to hang onto him. Hoyt says, “You lied to me for eighteen years, just cuz you didn’t wanna be alone, instead of lettin me be an actual person,” –Maxine tries to take his arm but he pulls away, and goes on, “You know what I wish, mama? I wish that Jessica had finished you off.”
Maxine covers her mouth and begins to cry, but Hoyt isn’t taken by her bawling, and leaves anyway, slamming the door behind him. Back on Sookie’s lawn, Arlene is trying to get ahold of her kids, and Terry is staring at the flower garland on his head like it’s a poisonous snake, before tossing it away. Arlene is all upset, and Terry suggest they walk, but Jason offers her a lift. Before they go, suddenly, someone screams, oh boy, and it looks like Jane Bodehouse found her finger. Whoops. Jason takes Jane, and they head off with Arlene in tow to the ER, while Bud Dearborn, behind them, tells Andy to come by the station in the morning and he’ll give back his badge. Andy promises to never take another drink, and Bud tells Andy that he’s man enough to know that he can’t handle the mess the town is in on his own. Bud goes on to admit that while Andy has his faults, at least he’s wearing pants. A fire smolders in a bathtub behind them, and it appears things are coming to rights.
Sam looks out across the yard at a doe in the field nearby, and cries silent tears, thinking of Daphne, her betraying him, and what he lost; he’s alone again. Bill approaches and tells Sam, who wipes his eyes discreetly, that he thanks him for trusting him with his life. Bill understands that it wasn’t easy for Sam, who tries to blow him off, by saying that at least Sookie is safe, which is what Bill wanted. Bill reminds Sam that he wanted Sookie safe too, and Sam tells him that Sookie’s family, like the rest of them, and if there was a way to save the townspeople, how could he say no? Bill tells Sam he’s grateful that he revealed his gift for the sake of the town, and Sam tells him he understands now that he suffers a lot more hiding his gift, than if he had just opened up about it. Bill walks away, and Sam looks behind him to see that the doe has gone. Very sad; I hope someone nice comes along for Sam. Inside, Eggs is flipping out, scrubbing the blood off of his hands, asking Tara where Maryann is, who just assures him that them being okay is all that matters. Oh god, trapped in a nightmare without his pseudo-mommy, and only Tara there to explain things to him? I sure as hell don’t envy Eggs; not only is Tara portrayed as a mean, selfish bitch, she’s never had to deal with a whiny, sissified egghead.
Tara tries to convince Eggs that he doesn’t want to know what he’s forgotten, but he remains hysterical about cleaning his hands. Sookie appears in the doorway to inquire about Bill’s whereabouts, and sees Eggs tweaking out, and asks if they’re okay. Tara tells her she’s all right, and tells Sookie she’s sorry for bringing all this weirdness and insanity into Sookie’s life, that she just wanted to feel like part of a family. Sookie hugs her, reassures her that she is part of her family, and promises that they’ll clean everything up. Sookie sees Mike Spencer is still passed out on the floor, and admits to Tara that she knocked him out. Tara tells her she’ll wake him up, that Sookie can go on to bed. Sookie thanks Tara, and leaves her with the downward spiraling Eggs. Upstairs, Bill and Sookie decide to snuggle before he has to leave at sunrise. The next day at Merlotte’s, Charlaine Harris is telling Sam at the bar that she “certainly never expected anything like that to happen here.” Yep, Charlaine Harris was at the bar, pretty trippy hm?
Tara tries talking to Sam, but he’s acting a little evasive, and Arlene has apparently ordered half the menu for her kids; Lisa tells her that they forgive her, but Arlene tells Lisa that she shouldn’t have to know what that word means. Coby tells Arlene that it’s okay, that Sam took care of them, and took them to see vampires, and “one of them could fly!” Arlene tells them that Mr. Merlotte is a good man, but he isn’t family, that she should have been there, and promises them that she’ll be the best mama ever from now on. Terry Bellefleur approaches their table, and presents the kids with toy guns that make noise. While this is an excellent way to make friends, it will eventually cause Arlene numerous splitting headaches, –so maybe not the best move, but sweet all the same. Terry promises to take care of their mama while she’s at work, if they take care of her at home. Sam calls Arlene and Terry back to work, but before they go, her kids ask her if she saw Rene while she was away. Arlene tells them Rene is still on his “vacation with Jesus”, –when she goes, the kids agree that Rene is dead.
Two sassy old chicks are gossipping about what happened; one thinks Maryann was a martian, who was controlling people and erasing their memories. The other thinks that Maryann was an agent from a pharmaceutical company and she poisoned the water with LSD as a mind control experiment, and that’s why she sticks to Mountain Dew. Sam approaches to give them a refill, and tells them that what really happened was the ATF shut down a distillery in a nearby town over a bad batch of vodka that was pure ethanol, and that’s what everybody was drinking last night, then tells them Mountain Dew is a smart choice. As Sam walks away, one woman thanks god for whoever made Sam’s jeans, and declares she’d wear him like a scrunchie. Well, lord have mercy, get a little more raunchy, will you? Lafayette looks over and comments loudly on how stupid everyone is, and with some sympathy, Tara pours him a drink. Sookie approaches, and he tells her he feels for her the most, because she has to remember all of it. Lafayette goes on to say he doesn’t want to know, and asks her not to tell him, even if he begs, and Sookie interrupts to let him know that Jane Bodehouse wants jumbalaya.
On the other side of the bar, Jane Bodehouse is telling some “admirers” how she lost her finger, and got it sewn back on. Apparently, she figures a gator bit it off when she was down by the lake, but the doctor figures the finger will grow back together since she has such good bone structure. Ech, okay. Andy Bellefleur grumbles behind them, from his table with Jason Stackhouse, that it wasn’t no gator that bit her finger off. He goes on to say she pulled her finger out of a giant statue of meat, and saw her gettin’ it from behind with Mike Spencer. Jane and Co. just laugh at him though, and Jane tells him they all want some of what he’s drinking. Andy growls that he’s only got Diet Coke with lime, but Jason clinks his glass to Andy’s and stares. Andy starts going on a tirade, but Jason tells him to let it go, and squeezes his shoulder. Jason starts telling Andy how they’re heroes, and it begins as a long, dingbat speech, but he ends it pretty well, with Jason saying that the whole point of being a hero is to do something greater than yourself, not for the girls, the glory and such. Jason tells him they’re bigger men than that, and hopefully, Andy’s convinced.
In back, Sookie is pumping mustard, which sounds raunchier than it is, when Sam approaches and asks her if she can keep an eye on the bar while he goes on vacation for a while, which is much needed after the event last night. Sookie tries to thank him, but Sam tells her it’s okay, that he doesn’t really want anyone to know any of what happened. But Sookie argues that she thinks everyone should know how special he is, and hugs him. A woman approaches with a big shopping bag for her, and tells her she has a special delivery for Sookie Stackhouse; Sookie accepts it, and the woman tells her she’s lucky to have such a classy admirer. Aww, how sweet. Sookie asks Sam for a minute to check out her present, and goes outside to look at what she got. It’s a very pretty lavender formal dinner dress, and a note from Bill, telling her he owes her an evening out, and asking if she’d wear the dress that night. That is just so tender, and adorable. Gosh. Eggs grabs her shoulder, and scares the shit out of her, ruining the moment, so he can bother her with his drama.
Eggs desperately wants to know what he did, and has been tearing himself up over it, even though everyone’s told him that it wasn’t him doing it, and that he doesn’t want to know. Apparently, that’s not good enough; ever heard the phrase, “Curosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back?” Eggs doesn’t end up satisfied. Sookie looks into his thoughts, where he’s begging her to help in, and agrees to try to bring his memory back. She takes his hands, and asks her to walk her through his first blackout; and the memories come flooding back. Eggs looks horrified, and takes off, but Sookie follows, and tries explaining to him in small words that it wasn’t his fault, that it was Maryann’s influence controlling him. He argues that it was his hands that did it, and runs off, with Sookie calling to him that she’s sorry. At Bill’s house, Jessica comes down the stairs all dressed up and looking purty, while Bill comes out of the downstairs hallway, all dressed up and purty too. Bill tells her she looks “a vision”, and asks if she’s going to see Hoyt Fortenberry, but she is defensive, and says he’s going to see Sookie. Bill calms her down, says it’s fine, though the guys usually went to see the girls in his day. He acknowledges the change though, and tells her to have a good time.
Before he leaves, Jessica tells Bill that she and Hoyt had a fight, so she was going to go apologize. Bill tells her Hoyt would be a fool not to accept, and Jessica smiles some, –which is so cute, since Bill and Jessica get along terrible! She asks where he’s taking Sookie, and he tells her, a French restaurant, though he hasn’t been to one in over seventy years, and humans love them; Bill seems nervous. Jessica tells him to be back by five, and he tells her to be back by four, then opens the door for her. Aww. Parent and teen bonding! It’s a full on -moment-, y’all! In some other town, somewhere else in the world, Sam rings a doorbell, and calls the woman who answers it, “Mrs. Merlotte.” Oh shit. Inside, Sam notices that there are no pictures of him, and the woman who was his foster mother, claims they keep them put away, because it would be hard to explain to their friends who thought they didn’t have any children. Sam confronts her about abandoning him, but all she can say was that they were scared, and an apology that comes in sobs.
Sam is untouched, and tells her he’s not interested in an apology, he wants to know who his real parents were. But Mrs. Merlotte tells him no, that she swore to them she’d never tell. She tells him, when Sam starts to get upset, that he doesn’t want to know them, because they’re bad people. Sam bitterly replies that she’d know a thing or two about that. A small white monitor alarm goes off, and Sam follows Mrs. Merlotte to the back, where her husband lays dying in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment, and unable to speak. The man’s hand shakes as he gives him a note that reads: “Melinda & Joe Lee Mickens – Last known in Magnolia Ark – I’m sorry”. Sam’s eyes well up, but he doesn’t cry, as he looks at the dying man in the bed who used to be his daddy. Oh god it’s so sad, I almost cried; almost. At Bill’s, Hoyt Fortenberry is knocking on the door with flowers in his hand, looking for Jessica, –what the hell, didn’t she go to his house? He hollers for her, but there’s no answer.
At a truckstop somewhere, Jessica is making out with some trucker, –ew, wtf is going on here? He snags a condom off the visor, and she tells him that before they go any further, he should know she’s a virgin. He tells her he’ll be gentle, and kinda likes that. Jessica asks, “Really?” and he nods, and then she says she doesn’t like it one bit, shows her fangs, and bites! Holy shit, someone needs to get together an intervention or something, and have a talk with her. She can’t just go around eating truckers, that’s just nasty. At Bill’s, Hoyt looks sadly at the door, and leaves the roses by the front door, then leaves. At the French restaurant, Sookie and Bill have entered, and Sookie notices that Bill has rented out the entire restaurant for their dinner, and he declares he didn’t want to share the site of Sookie with anyone else that night. Aww, that’s so sweet, –and you know, incredibly possessive. Sookie brings up the fact that Bill doesn’t eat, but he invites her to dance, which is a giggly and very cute affair, because both of them can actually dance a bit.
At Merlotte’s, Andy is out in the parking lot headed to his car, when Eggs appears, again looking on the verge of hysterics, and carrying the huge bloody knife he was forced to use to kill people. He begs Andy Bellefleur, who isn’t armed, to lock him up, while Andy circles his car trying to get Eggs to drop the knife. Andy tries to calm him down and take the knife, but Eggs throws him on the ground, and hovers over him with the knife, freaking out. Eggs is hollering at Andy, much too close for comfort with the huge knife, when suddenly, he’s shot in the head; Jason Stackhouse stands away to the side, shocked that he killed the man. Andy sighs, and Jason, figuring that Eggs was going to kill Andy, shot on reflex. Andy tells Jason to go on, and get the hell out of there, and he wipes off the gun, –funny how things work out, really, since Andy’s wanted to pin murder on Jason for so long, and when he gets his chance, he passed it up because Jason killed a man to protect Andy. Everyone comes out of Merlotte’s to see what happened, and Andy tells them Eggs was coming after him with the murder weapon, so he shot him.
Tara sees Eggs, and crouches beside him, crying and sobbing, and shaking his body. Sookie is finishing dessert with Bill, telling him it was the best meal of her life, but Bill tells her he has one last thing, and pulls airline tickets out of his jacket pocket. The tickets are for Burlington, Vermont, –ahem, vampire and human marriages are legal in Vermont. Sookie, confused, asks why they’d go there, until Bill takes a black velvet box out as well, and slides it toward her on the table. She opens it and inside is an emormous rock set in an engagement ring, –Bill Compton is proposing to Sookie Stackhouse, good god almighty! I need a fan or I will surely faint! Bill says, “Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?” Hell, just the first six words are one hell of a proposal, but the rest of them are pretty fantastic too. Sookie tells Bill, who started out confident, that she doesn’t know what to say, her life’s inside out, she doesn’t even know if she’s human, and she starts getting all choked up and sensitive and chattery, and Bill is just like, “What?” Poor man. She brings up the topic of what’s going to happen when she gets old, which is definitely an interesting question, but Bill assures her that he wants her just how she is, and Sookie argues tearfully that she doesn’t even know what she is!
Lordy, have a tissy fit, why don’t you? Bill asks if she’s saying no, but she yelps that she isn’t, she doesn’t know, and for sobbing out loud, finally gets up and goes to the ladies room to clean herself up. In the bathroom, Sookie slips the engagement ring onto her finger, and looks in the mirror at herself wearing it. Ah, nothing like a huge diamond to wear you down; she smiles. Outside in the restaurant, Bill looks worried and frustrated, then someone wearing black gloves wraps a silver chain around his neck, and yanks him backwards. In the bathroom, Sookie is freshening her lipstick, and looking herself over, much more happy. She leaves the bathroom saying “Yes, Bill Compton I will marry you…” but trails off when she sees the evidence of a struggle in the restaurant, and the door hanging wide. She asks, “Bill?” to the empty scene. And that is where we are abandoned, –for an entire season! Gosh… don’t you feel all empty inside, knowing that you have to wait for months now to see what happens? Damn. Well, hey, there’s always the books!