And we’re back! Eric is shown, flinging a dismembered arm, belonging to the blonde redneck, –in slow-mo, no less, –at Lafayette. The chunk of gore hits Lafayette in the chest, and he stumbles back to cower behind the pillar once more. Eric warns Lafayette that if he has any silver, now would be the time to reveal it. Lafayette says he isn’t stupid, Eric disagrees. No, really, Lafayette isn’t stupid, he’s just… sassy. Eric wipes some of the goo off his face and -gasp!- has a prissy moment. He heads over to Lafayette, to confirm that there’s blood in his hair, and grumbles about Pam killing him. Lafayette wonders aloud who Pam is, and Eric invites him to meet her. Despite some hesitancy on Lafayette’s part, he’s hauled upstairs, and we find out that he’s a prisoner of Eric and Pam, in the basement beneath Fangtasia. I’d really like to inquire as to who installed that fancy torture wheel in their makeshift dungeon. I bet the interior designer got one hell of a bonus for that little addition. The theme song plays, and we’re off on another whirlwind Louisiana vampire adventure, yippee!
Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…
Back at Bill’s, Sookie and her undead honey are sharing some cutesy pillow talk, after their “first” round of make-up sex. No, Bill didn’t put on eyeshadow and lipstick, and no, Sookie didn’t wear a fake mustache to bed. They were actually previously fighting about him murdering her Uncle Bartlett; yeah, whereas the murder of a family member might be a deal-breaker in some relationships, with Bill and Sookie, it’s just a prequel to steamy sex. Suddenly, Sookie remembers that Jessica is in the house, and wonders if she heard the two of them. Bill reminds Sookie that Jessica is a mouthy brat, and definitely would have let them know if she could hear them going at it. Sookie scolds Bill a little for being so critical of Jessica, and Bill sternly reminds Sookie that Jessica is a vampire. Sookie continues, reminding Bill of what it’s like to be a teenage girl; no humanity, no control over her impulses, in the grips of “overwhelming transformations”, i.e., puberty, ew. Gee, so being a new vampire is like being a hormone crazed teeny bopper? In that case, remind me not to create any of my own progeny; the last thing I want to deal with vampire teenagers, with no middle ground in between.
Sookie sits up, and seriously tells Bill that he should at least try being more understanding, since his current approach obviously isn’t working out. She reproaches herself slightly for fighting with Bill again, only minutes after promising each other they wouldn’t fight anymore. Bill argues that they aren’t fighting, but Sookie is sure it is. In that case, Bill takes full advantage of the situation, and they begin ‘making up’ again. At Fangtasia, Pam is pissed about Eric’s hair, while he grumbles about the redneck taking silver to him. He tells Lafayette to defend him; Lafayette, eager to spill the beans and get the hell out of Dodge, tells them straight up, whatever they want to know, ask now, so he can go. After a quick sassy interlude with Pam, Lafayette opens up for Eric’s questions about poor dead Eddie. Eric asks what happened to him, and Lafayette tells him he doesn’t know, but suspects he was kidnapped. When Eric asked who kidnapped Eddie, Lafayette first tells him he doesn’t know. When Eric asks Cho to step in, Lafayette interjects quickly, and spills that he thinks Eddie was taken by Jason Stackhouse. Pam and Eric mull over the possibility of making Jason pay for his crime, but arrive at the conclusion that Sookie is too valuable an asset to risk losing.
Eric tells Lafayette that the piece of information was useless, and asks him about whether or not he had any dealings with V-buyers from the Dallas area. Lafayette says one, by the name of “email@example.com. Charming (If such an email exists, please don’t bother this person, they obviously already have plenty of issues already on their plate). Cho rolls his eyes, and Eric tells Lafayette that a friend of his in the Dallas area has gone missing, a vampire named Godric, twice as old as Eric, and ten times more powerful. Pam tries to argue with Eric, but he asserts that he wasn’t being modest. Eric inquires if Lafayette’s contact mentioned any new product on the market, since Godric’s blood would be very valuable, but Lafayette tells him no, but that he would tell him. Eric dismisses the idea of letting Lafayette go in a millisecond, before telling Cho to put Lafayette back in the basement. Lafayette flips out, telling Eric that he gave him everything; Eric hollers back, that he gave him nothing, and he’s dragged off kicking and screaming by Cho.
On the big Bible-Thumper Bus, Jason rides along with a bunch of dingbats, attempting to sing along to vampire hate songs, when a big brunette guy sits beside him, to chit-chat about being misled cult members. He introduces himself as “Luke McDonald, no relation to the restaurant.” Jason asks if there’s any relation to the farm. I got it, and giggled a little, but Luke appears to be an even thicker meat-head than Jason, because he has no idea what Jason’s talking about. The two exchange testosterone-infused chatter, about their football glory days. Luke tells Jason about blowing his knee, and his scholarship, and then finally finding his way onto the Bible-Thumper Bus, after five hard years of working, and staying abstinent. Luke asks Jason about how he ended up there, and Jason says he decided to go a couple days ago, because ‘Steve and Sarah’, –aka, Preacher Ken and his post-lobotomy Barbie sidekick, –invited him the other day over breakfast. Luke, stunned, asks Jason if he wants to bunk with him. Jason says “Shit yeah!”, and Luke reminds him not to say “shit”. Jason looks slightly chagrined and confused, until Luke tells him to “forgive” himself. Oh yeah Luke, I got a few things I could remind you to go do to yourself, and while the first thing I can think of does start with an F, it sure as hell isn’t “forgive.”
They start up another rousing retarded ballad about how much vampires ‘suck’, and the bus rolls on towards its destination. Outside Bon Temps, in the backyard of crazy pig lady’s house, Tara strolls across the lawn in robe and nightie, to talk to a dirty and shirtless Eggs. Tara gives him a hug, and tells him that he smells “nasty and nice”. Hmm, that’s gross. She then explains that she wants to know more about him “before…” –before you screw him? Yeah, we figured. Tara tells Eggs about her shitty taste in men, and her tendency to “put the cart before the horse”. Oh you mean, screw before you know the guy? Act like a fast-ass’d ho? Yeah, I’d buy that, since the whole deal with Sam pretty much blew up in your face. Eggs tells Tara that she likes him, and Tara says, and I quote: “Of course I like you, I’d take a shower in your sweat, if I could!” Um… ew? I’ve ‘liked’ a good deal of males, and never once felt the urge to shower in their bodily discharge. Egads. If that’s your thing, rock on, but I’ll pass thanks.
Eggs is slightly evasive about revealing his past to Tara, and she picks up on it, telling him now she isn’t curious, she’s worried. Tara learns that her new man was found homeless, and that before, he’d been in jail for armed robbery, assault, possession of and dealing drugs, and so on. Hold on, I’m tearing up; all this talk of felonies and jail time has made me a little homesick. Eggs walks off, leaving Tara alone to think about whether or not dating a criminal would be a good thing. While sitting in her kitchen with a mug of tea, or something else that’s equally cozy, Sookie spots a newscast featuring the parents of Bill’s new pain in the ass: Jessica Hamby. While her parents tearfully declare they just want their daughter home, the gears in Sookie’s head audibly grind together. Sookie goes into her grandmother’s room, and plucks a framed photograph of her and Tara, as little girls with Gran in the middle, all smiling; Sookie smiles a little, holding the picture. And then we jump back over to Bible-Thumper camp.
A bunch of nerdy young people stand around as the big culty leaders give them an orientation/welcome speech. Sarah Newlin, the Amazing Walking Vacuum, gives a speech about honesty, and stuff, while a pretty blonde girl passes out “Honesty Rings” made of real silver; so if they protect their rings, maybe one day, their rings will protect them. Oh goody. The excitement is palpable, after some dinghead hollers “Die Fangers”, but Sarah Newlin giggles and encourages everyone to make friends and play nice, and to have holy light shined on them. At Merlotte’s, Daphne skillfully manages to pour mustard all over the bar, when in walks Tara, late, and behind her, Maryann. Sam almost shits a brick, but collects himself, after Maryann makes a snide comment about how slow the place is. Sam goes to take her order, first telling her to stop fucking with him, and to leave. Maryann reminds him that she’s a psycho, and Sam, refreshed with the reminder, takes her order. Or orders; apparently, the woman eats like Oprah between diets.
Over at Bible-Thumper Camp, the best song about Texas ever sung, is played –God Bless Texas, by Alan Jackson, while the guys play ‘Capture the Flag’, a form of sissy football. Jason quickly upstages Luke in the game, and some bitterness quickly develops as the crowd, including Steve Newlin himself, cheers Jason on. At Merlotte’s again, Sookie just popped in to see Tara, while in the kitchen, Terry is getting more and more pissed off, because he’s busy cooking his ass off, and he can’t read Daphne’s writing on the orders. Under Fangtasia, Lafayette sits pitifully, contemplating his shitty situation, when it suddenly hits him: the blonde redneck has a magnetic ass! Lafayette scoots himself across the floor of the basement, towards the gleaming piece of steel sticking out of the blond guy’s dismembered leg. The chain isn’t long enough, so Lafayette turns the wheel until he can just reach the amputated limb, and drag it over with his feet. Lafayette has to smash the leg a bit more, but finally pulls the steel hip replacement out, and frees it from actual bone casing by using his teeth. Yummy.
Once the metal is out, Lafayette quickly uses it to break the chain he’s fastened to. Woohoo! A daring escape, and all thanks to the redneck’s magnetic ass! Lafayette hustles off, looking rough, –like an extra from Amistad. Meanwhile at Merlotte’s, Sookie and Tara are doing the girl talk thing, apparently Sookie just explained Jessica situation, thus Tara’s remark about Sookie being a “stepmother to a vampire”. Pleasant, no? Sookie asks how Tara’s been, and Tara expresses some doubt about how, although Maryann’s house has everything anyone could want, it’s still a little bit too good to be true. Tara asks what Sookie thinks, but Sookie mentions that she has a “conflict of interests” because she wants Tara to move in with her. Not only do the two get along well, –haha, not really, –but apparently, Sookie has been wanting to move into Gran’s room, and Tara’s moving in would help Sookie to get it done.
Suddenly, there’s a big crash from the hall; Daphne’s dumped a big tray of dishes and stuff, all over Sam’s feet, while he hollers, and she apologizes. Tara and Sookie hurry past Sam before he can ask Sookie to stay, but Maryann stops them before Sookie can go, obviously interested in meeting her. Tara introduces them, and Sookie, curious, listens in to Maryann’s thoughts and hears nothing but weird language, spoken ominously. Sookie asks where Maryann is from, and she says “Cape Cod”. Yeah, uh huh. Because everyone in Cape Cod walks around speaking gibberish in dark, ominous tones of malice. It’s obvious that Maryann is from New Jersey. Sookie spots Sam, and lets the two other women know she has to go. But in the process, she also tells Tara to let her know what she decides about moving in with her. Maryann gets a nasty look on her face, and when Sookie leaves, tells Tara that it was “awfully nice” of Sookie to invite Tara to live with her. What a manipulative bitch! …ladies, take notes.
At Fangtasia, the Amistad version of Lafayette is trying to sneak out, but the barely coherent Ginger spots him, and holds a gun on him. Lafayette tries to pull the hetero-persuasion on Ginger, but she says they told her to pay special attention to “faggit drag queen in the basement”. Lafayette demands she let him go, but Ginger tells him honestly, if she lets him out, they’ll kill her. Lafayette doubts she’ll shoot him, and dingy Ginger proves him wrong, by accident, and shoots him in the leg. Lafayette collapses, and Ginger starts screaming, but after much deliberation, gives him some dirty bar towels to put on the wound. Over at the Bible-Thumper Camp, some skanky teeny bopper type is singing “Jesus Asked Me Out Today”; vaguely incestual, about either masturbating, or having sex with Jesus, or possibly both. Everyone applauds and Steve Newlin himself hops on-stage to promote her album, and to introduce a “game”.
Jason is chosen to roleplay as ‘the good guy’ while Sarah Newlin, plays a vampire sympathizer. Over at Bill’s, Sookie heads up the stairs and inside, to find Jessica distraught because she just saw her parents on TV. Apparently, Bill is off running errands, “that do not require” Jessica’s presence. She does a fabulous impression of Bill, head tilted forward and all, as if she really did have a steel rod shoved up her ass too! Jessica pouts, sniffles and exclaims about how much she hates it at Bill’s, before slouching off to the couch, where she slumps so we can get a fairly decent view of her rather pale ass. Sookie follows, and Jessica tells her that she misses her family and especially feels sad about treating her little sister badly. Jessica freaks a little when she finds out that vampires cry blood, but Sookie offers her a tissue. Aww, female bonding. Sookie tells Jessica about losing her Gran, but Jessica feels as though grandparents are supposed to die, not kids, and she objects “I’m the one that’s dead.” At that point, I’d have said, “You’re right, it’s weird and not really understandable,” but Sookie is a soldier, and she forges ahead.
Sookie explains that regardless of who’s doing the leavin’, it’s the distance that hurts. Jessica asks what she does to feel better, and Sookie tells her she just goes to sit for a spell in her Gran’s room. Uh oh, Sookie, you’re about to open a can of shit, and you don’t even know it yet. Right on cue, Jessica immediately asks if Sookie will drive her to her parents’ house to sit outside, or across the street. Sookie tells her no, but Jessica continues to plead with her. Sookie tells her to ask Bill instead, but Jessica knows, as do we, that Bill won’t let her. Sookie admits defeat with an “Okay.” Sookie tells Jessica they have to go get Jessica clothes at her house first though, since Jessica’s dressed like a colorblind prostitute. Sookie then makes Jessica promise she won’t tell Bill. Meanwhile, Bill is shopping at a teen clothing store, when an obviously idiotic sales clerk attempts to help him find clothes for his “daughter”. She chooses a skirt missing most of its fabric off a sales rack, and Bill declines, since he’d rather not see his progeny dressed as a um, ‘slattern’.
When the ditsy sales lady finds out he’s a vampire, she offers to basically, go have sex with him in a changing room. Bill declines the offer; a few times. When Eric shows up, and the two exchange greetings, Bill compliments Eric’s new hair, and the sales lady, assumes they’re gay, and takes off. Eric’s hair is now way shorter. It makes me sad. He was sexier with long hair. Now he looks like an usher at the local baptist church. Damn. They get a shared smile out of the dingbat’s retreat, before Eric gets down to business with a “We need to talk”. Oh boy. I bet it’s not about the weather, or Eric’s latest kitten puzzle. Over at the Bible Thumper Camp, the roleplaying game is in full swing. But the game almost gets out of hand when Sarah, Queen of the Blond & Vapid, pops in a pair of 50 cent fangs, and declares herself a vampire. Jason freaks out, snaps a flagpole in half, and almost stakes her. Sarah Newlin looks like she either just peed, or just had an orgasm. Jason apologizes, and Steve begins clapping, while everyone else applauds as well, to Jason’s fine acting. Jason flashes back to Amy killing Eddie in his basement, and looks positively traumatized for a moment, before he wanders off, and Sarah Newlin manages to stand up.
At Merlotte’s, Terry is reach his wit’s end, back in the kitchen, struggling to keep up with all the orders. Arlene checks in on him, and Terry tells her he’s “feelin’ the pressure”, and ain’t taken a break. Arlene comes around to take away his tongs, while Daphne wanders around the bar with a beer in her hand, completely lost. Terry stubbornly relinquishes his tongs, and Arlene sends him off on a break, just as Daphne approaches the order window, to take three plates to Table 4. She asks Arlene where Table 4 is, and Arlene gives her a nasty look, before Daphne decides to find it on her own. Terry remarks that most of the orders he’s been cooking have been going to Table 4; so “what the hell is going on at Table 4?” Daphne turns a full 360 before Maryann calls her over; apparently, she’s ordering everything on the menu. Jesus Harold Christ. The two make small talk, and Maryann tells her what a wonderful little blond human she is, before Daphne heads off to screw something else up. Sam stops over to talk with Andy, who’s busy getting fully plastered.
Andy tells Sam he knows that Sam is wondering why he would just throw away nine years of being sober; Andy answers, “why the hell not?” Sam disagrees, and says that it’s because people in town don’t need to see him this way, i.e., shitfaced. Andy tells Sam that people in town don’t see him, at least not as “what he really is”. Sam tells him to suck it up, and stop feeling sorry for himself, but Andy lets Sam in on the big reason for the booze: Bud Dearborn demoting him, and taking him off the case. Sam says he’s sorry, and agrees to let Andy booze it up for the night. Sam looks over his shoulder and notices a couple of folks dancing, and remarks that it was never his intention, when he opened the bar, that anyone would be bothered to dance. Andy concurs; he hates to dance, and one woman once said he looked like an epileptic on meth when he was on the dance floor. It’s true, you’ll be lucky enough to see it in a few moments. Sam heads off with Andy empty beer bottles, just as Maryann gets up to do the Boot-Scoot-Boogie with the other folks out on the dance floor.
Maryann on the dance floor is like the Redneck Whore of Babylon; she’s got the men going crazy, and pretty soon, all the other liquored up patrons are joining her to dance too. Yes, even the old people. Ew. The scene changes, pulling us away from the backwoods nightmare of seeing old people flirt and act sexy, to Bill and Eric discussing the missing Sheriff of Area 9; the vampire named Godric. Eric tells Bill that Godric must be found, and formally asks permission for the use of Sookie’s talent to find him. Bill immediately says no, but Eric reminds him of the deal Sookie herself made with him, and warns Bill that he’ll get Sookie to go, regardless. However, Bill’s final answer is no. Eric tells Bill his decision was “poorly played” before walking off. Uh oh. Sookie and Jessica pull up outside her parents’ home, and park. After Jessica mentions that her daddy isn’t home, but her mama and sister are, Sookie begins to cry, and apologizes to Jessica, because she feels things are her fault, much to Jessica’s bewilderment. Jessica tells Sookie that she doesn’t blame Sookie for her being a vampire, but before the two can get into anything too mushy, Jessica spots her sister at the window, and is off!
Sookie runs after her, but it’s too late; Jessica’s already banging on the door, and before Sookie can drag Jessica back to the car, her mother has opened the door, and tearfully welcomes her daughter back into the home, thanking Sookie for bringing her back. Jessica’s mama tells her little sister, Eden, to call her daddy to tell him she’s home. Her mother notices the icy skin, but not the urging to be invited in, and tells Jessica she’ll make her some tea. Sookie is invited in as well, and follows to oversee the shit hitting the fan. At Merlotte’s, Eggs enters to see everyone dancing all sexy and practically falling all over each other, some nearly screwing in various corners of the bar. He heads over to talk to Tara, and Jane Bodehouse immediately starts flirting with him, but Tara chases her off. Jane joins the other freaks on the dancefloor, giggling like a nutcase. Eggs tells Tara that his father said that, if you wanted something, you had to appear not to want it, in order to get. But he disagrees, and tells Tara he wants to be with her.
Tara is properly miffed. In another corner of the bar, Maryann is luring a drunk Andy out to dance with her; oh lord, please spare the site of an epileptic on meth style of shindiggery. In the bathroom at Bible-Thumper Camp, Jason Stackhouse is brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed, when Luke confronts him about the weirdness at the show earlier, when he very nearly killed Sarah Newlin. Luke accuses Jason of thinking he walks on water, and Jason mentions that he thinks that was Moses. Luke corrects the poor dingbat Jason, and informs him that Moses parted the Red Sea. Jason looks confused for a moment, before Luke asks what the deal was with him snapping the flag in half, like he’s “some Muslim Buffy with a dick”. Jason says sorry he didn’t like it, but everyone else seemed to. Luke warns him that day 1 might’ve been his, but day 2 “belongs to the Luke-inator”. Uh huh… well, okay then. Jason flashes back to feeding Eddie Tru-Blood in his basement, and wrestling with his conscience, about all the cult-y vampire hating BS they’re spoon feeding him.
At Merlotte’s, Sam is hauling a load of canned stuff, when he notices an increase in the bar’s volume. The patrons are all out in the bar, dancing around, stealing beer, and acting crazy, –and worst of all these things, Andy Bellefleur is doing his “epileptic on meth” dance. Jane Bodehouse’s eyes have turned completely black, as she stares up at the ceiling, dancing around like a hippie at Woodstock. Sam and Maryann head into his office, with Sam looking properly pissed off. He demands to know what’s going on in the bar, but Maryann blows him off, claiming that “people came back from the rodeo in a good mood.” Sam gets even more riled, and starts hollering at her, but Maryann starts vibrating. Sam protests, but fall to the floor; Maryann has forced him to shapeshift into a dog. She warns him that she can do that to him any time she wants, so unless he wants the town to know his dirty secret, he better not threaten her anymore. Psh, don’t puss out Sam, bite that crazy bitch!
At Jessica’s parents’ house, Sookie is having a meltdown, but Jessica claims it must be all those “vampire impulse control issues”, and Sookie, thoroughly pissed off exclaims, “fuck your impulse control issues!” The two quickly compose themselves, as Jessica’s sister Eden walks in with a tray of sandwiches. Eden tells Sookie she’s pretty, and Sookie tells Eden she is also, but the little girls says she isn’t, and that she has a problem with hair. Before we can riddle that weird statement out, Jessica’s father enters the scene, and Jessica stands up to hug him. For a moment, it appears as though things might be okay, but Jessica’s father starts getting pissed off. Jessica pushes him away from her, and her fangs pop out, as she invites him to get his belt, but this time she’s ready for him. Uh oh. Patricide, anyone? At Fangtasia, the three vampires, Pam and Cho wait for Eric while they hover over a wounded Lafayette. Eric finally shows up, and chastises Lafayette for trying to escape. He politely asks Lafayette if he’d like his wound to kill him, or the three of them to do it.
Lafayette responds, by asking them to turn him into a vampire. My favorite part of his persuasive argument, is his claim “I’m already a person of poor moral character, so I’ll hit the ground runnin'”. Nice, but not necessarily true; we all know Lafayette is a big sweety. Eric assures Lafayette that he’ll “take it under advisement” before he nods to each of his compatriots, and the three “dig in”, to the poor Lafayette. Over at the Hamby house, the shit continues to be shoveled onto the fan, and so far, it’s making one hell of a mess. Jessica’s father continues to instigate Jessica, asking how she could let some bloodsucker bite her. Jessica tells him she didn’t let anyone bite her, and concludes that now she can school him on being scared. Sookie tries to stop her, but Jessica flings her across the room. Eden, frightened, asks Sookie if she’s okay, and Jessica’s mama tries to calm her down. Jessica though, is on her own tirade now, and calls her mama dumb. Sookie hollers at Jessica, but she’s still having her tantrum; she calls her mother dumb as a sack full of hammers, and her daddy mean as a snake. She concludes that it’ll always be like that unless she “ends it”, and decides to do so with her daddy’s belt.
Just as Jessica’s about to eat her daddy, or strangle him with his belt, either one, Bill bursts in and commands Jessica to release her father. Sookie says, “Thank god you’re here”, but uh oh, she’s in trouble… Bill tells Sookie to shut up, and glamours Eden into inviting him inside the house, so he can “make everything stop.” Eden invites him inside, and Bill rushes in, knocks Jessica away from her father, seizes Sookie and drags her outside, hollering at her, and saying this is her fault. Honestly though, wasn’t it just about time -Sookie- was the one who got bitched out over something? It always seems like it’s her, constantly doing the bitching and nagging. Finally, some balance. Once Sookie’s outside, Bill turns back to the family inside, and zipping between Jessica and her father, he growls irritably. And that’s where they leave us!