Here we are, the middle of the night, in gloomy surroundings, waiting for crazed cult members to pop out with axes! No, this isn’t Scientology Camp, it’s the Fellowship of the Sun headquarters, and Jason Stackhouse is creeping from the Newlin home back to his bunk. Inside his dorm, he sees his bunkmates sprawled all over the carpet, looking dead; the door closes and a crazed attacker pounces Jason, slamming him to the floor. The hooded attacker manages to mix a combination of threats and foreplay talk that successfully create a sense of tension; will Jason be eaten or… something he’d consider much more unpleasant?! Just as the hooded attacker sets to sink his teeth into Jason, the lights come back on, and everyone laughs; apparently, the Luke-inator was playing a funny on Jason. The blood all over everybody was just ketchup, –and ketchup or not, whoever does the laundry around there is going to be pissed.
Jason busted his lip on the way down, and when he stands, Luke notices and asks how it is; Jason in turn asks, “How’s your nose?” Well, large, irritating and, –oh shit, Jason just punched Luke right in the face! Don’t be fooled boys, Jason might be the teacher’s pet, but he has a mean right hook! While on his way to his bed, Jason makes sure everybody knows, –that there’s a war going on, and you’re on one side or the other! Oh noez! Seems that Jason has finally been brainwashed. The intro theme rolls on, and we’re all wondering how in the hell Jason’s meager few brain cells can possibly recover from this. After Jace Everett’s ‘Bad Things, we’re treated to a half naked Hoyt, trying to pull himself together under the scrutinizing gaze of Vampire Bill. Bill Compton makes for a very angry daddy type figure, –Sookie’s playing referee, Jessica’s on defense, Bill is offense, and Hoyt, –well, shit, he’s the ball. Bill can sure as hell toss him too, and he makes sure Hoyt knows it.
Before Bill can throw Hoyt “through a window that is closed!”, Sookie settles him. Hoyt tells Bill he wasn’t going to do anything, but Bill tells him that it wasn’t Jessica he was trying to protect. Jessica tears up at that, but Hoyt tells her he doesn’t believe Bill for a minute. Hoyt takes off, and Bill tells Jessica that there is no hunting in his house. Jessica tells him that she’d never kissed a boy before, she wasn’t hunting, and that she didn’t even want to do anything but kiss Hoyt. She also mentions that she can’t help it if her fangs come out when she’s turned on, but she notices they’re still out, covers her mouth, and runs upstairs. Sookie tells Bill she thinks she’s going to like Jessica, but Bill obviously disapproves. Sookie brushes away Bill’s usual crankiness, and begins the act of convincing Bill to take Jessica with them to Dallas. Bill clearly isn’t up for it, but Sookie tells him that it will be good for him, since he’s basically pretty antisocial with his own kind.
Bill states that as a vampire, he’s supposed to be tormented, –please, feel free to break the cliche any time, Bill, really. Anne Rice fans don’t need to know that you’re not really a self-hating pretty boy with homosexual tendencies, we’ll keep it just between us! Sookie tells Bill that he’s not just a vampire, and he can teach Jessica how to “walk that line between vampire and human”. Bill states with a sarcastic little look, “Yes, because I have mastered that.” Hey buddy, those that can’t do, teach. Bill monologues for a moment about how lucky Jessica is to be “growing up nowadays, rather than back when I was a youngin”, –the usual old person speech, and then concedes to Sookie’s wishes, naturally, by stating he’ll need to arrange for two travel coffins instead of only one. Aww, poor baby, someone’s pussy-whipped. But if it had to be anyone, you know, who the hell wouldn’t pick Sookie?
While Bill and Sookie are getting excited about their first trip together, Sam and Daphne are swimming around naked in a lake. Dude, I’m sorry but there is no fucking way, –gators, gar, snapping turtles, snakes, and leeches, –all these things love southern lakes. Why couldn’t have they just jogged down to the YMCA and had a romantic moment under fluorescent lights, and the smell of sweaty old people? There is such a thing as too much atmosphere, guys. Anyway, while they swim the naked swim of doom, Daphne and Sam talk about everything from how great the night is, to Sam’s paradisiacal perspective of Bon Temps, –obviously delusional, to Daphne’s snotty trailer park princess perspective, –that Bon Temps is a lil’ ol’ hick town. Shi-it, a city girl! Sam is already talking himself into being homesick, while he tells Daphne how much he loves it, but may be moving on.
Before they get into a big weepy moment, Daphne says hre fingers are wrinkling up, and she wants pancakes, –Sam knows the spot, –yeah, seems like he would, –but says he’s not hungry. Daphne guessed that Sam is worried she’ll see him nekkid, and tells him not to worry, she has seen “boy parts” before, and water isn’t opaque. Well, it really depends on the amount of pollution and fish shit in the water, you know. When Daphne gets out of the water, Sam sees the enormous scar on her back. Over at the lunatic’s house, Maryann’s that is, Tara has made up her mind to move in with Sookie, and the two are discussing the final details over the phone. Just after Tara tells Sookie she loves her “the most”, and hangs up, Maryann jumps up behind her and asks who she loves the most. Tara tells her Sookie, and Maryann’s mood visibly darkens, although, why she gives a shit about Tara taking off is never actually explained. Really, –it isn’t, not even in the other episodes. So that doesn’t count as me spoiling anything for you really, if you haven’t seen them yet.
Maryann asks what Tara has planned today, and –oh god, the moment has come to tell the psycho that it’s time to go. Maryann is not pleased, and she’s not very good at hiding it. Tara has to explain in small words that she’s moving in with Sookie, and that her living with Maryann was only supposed to be temporary. Maryann tells her ‘everything is temporary’, and tries to dance around the kitchen with her. Tara pulls away, and lets Maryann know she isn’t in the mood. Careful babe, she’s more psychotic than you. But Maryann manages to look sad, –it’s actually kind of funny when you think on it. A great actor, playing a villain who is a terrible actor. I guess that makes Michelle Forbes that much more accomplished. Tara asks Maryann to tell Eggs she left, after they have a little hug. Aww. Meanwhile, over at the Fellowship of the Sun’s special people fun time place, Jason is eating waffles and displaying his Biblical ineptitude.
Jason and his friends from camp are discussing the origins of vampires in the Bible, thus end up talking about the origin of evil, –Luke thinks it was Eve, but Jason disagrees. “That was just skirtin the rules. Evil is making the premedicated choice to be a dick.” Uh huh, well, his heart’s in the right place. Before Luke can come back with an equally vacuous statement, there’s an announcement asking Jason Stackhouse to come meet Reverend Newlin outside the Administration Offices. His fellow campers, basking in wisdom and maturity, snicker with food in their mouths and say “Ooooh.” Before Jason leaves the cafeteria, Luke says, God makes sure evil is punished. Jason turns and says “..then explain Europe to me.” Touche, Jason! Luke looks appropriately stumped, and Jason jogs out to meet Steve Newlin. Newlin looks like the poster boy for gun safety, –one of those negative re-enforcement posters where a cherubic child is playing with a gun the size of his head.
As Newlin snaps the chamber closed on a paint-ball pistol, Jason stares in open mouthed disbelief, thinking that the man is going to shoot him. Worst case scenario is either sterilization or losing an eye, but Newlin is actually in the mood for some fundamentalist vampire-hating fun. Jason hops in the modified golf cart, and heads off with Newlin, still unsure about being shot in the nads by the religious freak. Sookie and Tara are sitting in Gran’s parlor, talking about Tara’s birthday. Sookie gives her the framed photo of Gran with Sookie and Tara as kids; you know, the creepy one where Gran resembles the witch from Hansel and Gretel? Tara tears up, and the girls both admit how much they miss Gran. After the hugging and crying, Tara asks about Sookie’s trip, and when Sookie explains some, Tara immediately guesses the purpose of the trip, and starts railing on Bill. Sookie tells her that saving yourself for the perfect man is unrealistic, provoking Tara’s epiphany about her issue with Eggs.
Sookie accidentally lets slip that she is only going to save Lafayette, Tara’s cousin, –but Tara didn’t know, and now Sookie has to spill the beans. Uh oh. Meanwhile, Mike Spencer, Kenya, and Bud Dearborn are hovering over Miss Jeanette’s body trying to make some sense of who killed her. Bud arrives at the comedic conclusion that she was killed by an animal-human collaboration, and Kenya bitches him out for joking about the dead black woman. Enter Andy Bellefleur, who wants to know more about the report on Tara’s accident. Sheriff Dearborn is none too pleased that Andy’s been investigating despite being taken off the case, and Mike Spencer excuses himself before he can get caught in the crossfire. Andy insults Bud, and loses his badge, which he didn’t give up easily. Lafayette is laying on his couch, surrounded by meds, booze, and dirty dishes, when Tara starts banging on his door. He opens it, though with much difficulty, and lets an already sputtering Tara inside so she can get her guilt trip groove on.
Tara tries to get Lafayette to go to the hospital, but no luck, so then she tries to get Lafayette to let her stay with him, because it’s her birthday, but he firmly declines, saying that he’s not in the mood to take care of her. She tells him that if he dies, she’ll be pissed, and Lafayette tells her the sentiment is mutual. At Merlotte’s, Sam is stocking produce, and Terry Bellefleur asks if he’s still leaving, but all Sam will say on the subject is “haven’t left yet”. When Sam disappears into the cooler, Terry calls him a dumbass. Sookie pops in at the window and asks what Terry’s making for a lunch special, and Terry almost loses his cool when he discovers he forgot a crucial ingredient to what he’s making. He admits to Sookie that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to handle the pressure when Sam leaves town, and Sookie is shocked. Sam comes out of the cooler and Sookie confronts him about it, but he’s in an evasive mood.
Sookie follows him and asks where he’s going, and when he doesn’t answer, she tries to make it clear that there was a lot going on in her life when he was interested in her, and she wasn’t ready for anything serious. Sam doesn’t want to hear it, and tells her he has serious shit he’s dealing with, and that he doesn’t have time to make her feel better. Sookie counters by telling him she has her own serious shit to deal with, and segues into asking for a week off. Sam tells her fine, but that he won’t be there when she gets back. This irritates Sookie more, and she asks if he’s willing to leave it like that, and just throw away years of friendship, then leaves him to think it over. Her brother meanwhile, is out racing through the woods in a golf/go-cart with Steve Newlin, shooting at vampire targets with a paint ball gun. Yeah, because there’s always the chance that some vampires would just stand there and be shot at.
When they stop, Jason apologizes for cussing, but Steve tells him that he’s “one hell of a shot” and that they ought to give Jason wooden bullets instead of silver ones. Jason states that silver bullets are cooler, but Steve explains that silver only disables a vampire, that wooden stakes are what kills them, and they explode. Jason, a little regretful now, tells Steve that they actually just “kinda fall apart… like a water balloon”, and Steve tells him he’s jealous. Ugh, gross. Steve tells Jason how cool it would be to watch God just obliterate evil, and admits he wants to see it soon. Woo, psycho! At Sookie’s house, Tara sits, crying and watching TV while someone watches her through a window. She hears a board creak, calls “Hello?” then goes to investigate. At the door, all is quiet for a moment, then Maryann, Eggs, and Carl holler “surprise!” Tara looks scared enough to pee, and Maryann hugs her. They came with a wedding cake to celebrate Tara’s birthday, for a party they’d supposedly been planning for days.
While Carl and Maryann head to the kitchen to garnish Tara’s cake with evil, Eggs asks Tara why she was crying, and she tells him that she always cries on her birthday because it always sucks. Eggs promises that today it changes, –um, hello? She’s already cried today, so you’re too late. Duh. Maryann tells her she’s been on the phone all day calling all Tara’s “friends”, –there’s going to be a massive party at Sookie’s house, much to Tara’s chagrin. But don’t worry, she’ll be too drunk to notice that she has no spine. At the massive Newlin mansion, Sarah is barbequing for Jason and Steve, –after all, what’s a beautiful brainless religious fanatic have to do all day besides cook for her religious fanatic husband? Aside from applying make-up to hide the scar from her lobotomy, of course. While Steve rambles on about how great it is to be absolutely batshit, Jason fantasizes about Sarah Newlin, Steve’s wife, while she cooks ribs, –the scene where she slaps her own ass with a spatula is my favorite.
Once they’re inside ready to eat Sarah’s ribs, she’s sweet enough to rub her boobs all over Jason’s back while putting on his bib. Men in bibs being catered to by the caregiver female archetype; turns out, Freud was right. Sarah sits, and states she thinks Jason is a true soldier of God, or some equally silly shit, and Steve begins explaining that they’re putting together an elite force called the Soldiers of the Sun. Steve claims that they need him, and so does God, while Sarah reiterates phrases like ‘Amen’ and ‘Praise his light!’ At Merlotte’s, Sam tries to cut off Andy, who’s just lost his badge, and plans a nice long binge. Andy explains his situation to Sam; being demoted, and taken off the case, and Sam sympathizes, but doesn’t let him keep drinking, with Andy being a mostly recovered alcoholic. Arlene tells Sam she wants to take off and go to Tara’s birthday party at Sookie’s place, since Andy was just cut off, and there’s no one else in the bar. Arlene says Maryann really knows how to throw a party, and Andy agrees.
Daphne walks up and asks where they’re going, Arlene says home, clearly not interested in partying with Daphne but Andy says “Party at the old Stackhouse place!” as he’s leaving, and Arlene gives him a dirty look. Daphne says to count her in, since she’s worked hard enough for one day, and Arlene sneers and snickers rudely. Ha! That redhead is a real firecracker. They ask Sam if he’s going, but he says no, though Daphne says she hopes he changes his mind. Arlene looks at them both, disgusted, just as Lettie Mae Thornton walks in, holding a giftbox in foil paper. Sam tells them to go on ahead, and goes over to talk to Lettie Mae, who came there looking for Tara. Lettie Mae asks how Tara is, Sam says she’s fine, as far as he knows, –wrong-o!, –and then she asks whether Sam is still with Tara. He shakes his head, and says no, catching Arlene eavesdropping, before he says loudly, “Goodnight Arlene!” He shakes his head, Lettie Mae tells him it’s Tara’s birthday, she’s 26, and asks him to give her the foil wrapped gift. Sam agrees, and she practically jogs for the door. Jeez, hope she didn’t give him a bomb. Sam looks pained; he really did not want to go to the crazy bitch’s party, –either of them.
At the airport in Dallas, an obviously drunk Sookie wanders off the plane, and calls “Yoohoo!” to a very nervous looking man with a sign reading “Compton Party”. She holds the miniature bottle of booze out and says to the man, “I’ve always loved these, they’re like booze for dolls!” I doubt Barbie ever got nearly as wasted as Sookie is at the moment; she claims they gave her ten. He remarks, still jittery, that they were late, and were supposed to be there before sundown, then urges her to get in the limo. He’s starting to sweat, as he sees the two travel coffins unloaded, and Sookie reads his mind, –panicked, and strained “Get in the god damn limo, you stupid bitch!” He grabs her and tries to force her in, and Bill, only about twenty feet away in a coffin snaps wide awake and bursts out of the coffin like a very angry Jack-in-the-Box. He grabs the man and tells him if he makes a noise, it’ll be his last, fangs popping out to punctuate the threat. Unfortunately, it has a little less effect since Jessica has just woken up and can’t get out of her coffin, and has only managed to make it fall over.
At Sookie’s house, Sam is pulling up and apparently, Tara’s party is already in full swing. With some trepidation and plenty of disgust, Sam walks onto the porch and Maryann pops up to greet him, asking if the present’s for her. He tells her no, and she dismisses him to the gift table in the dining room, but then follows him to pester him about showing up after all. Sam tells Maryann that if she wants to turn him, she can, but she’ll also reveal herself as a “whatever the hell” she is, and warns her that he won’t stand by and let her hurt the people he cares about. Maryann asks, “Even if they’ve dumped you, or chosen a dead man over you?” He looks at her, irate, and she strolls off. Daphne waves at him, from across the house, and Sam goes off to join her. In the parlor, Eggs and Tara are getting bizzay and Eggs is telling Tara that “anybody dances like you should dance every fuckin day”, –while Maryann watches like a deranged stalker. Maryann dances off to throw Lettie Mae’s gift into the bushes outside, then disappears into the woods.
At the airport, Bill questions the kidnapper inside the limo, first glamouring him, and asking his name. In a cute sort of ‘evil twin of Hallmark’ moment, Bill asks Jessica if she wants to try glamouring the man, and she acquiesces. Bill instructs her on how to glamour him, and when she’s got him all settled and mindfucked, Bill settles back with Sookie, who tells him how sweet of him that was. Bill tells Sookie he suspects “that church” is behind the kidnapping, since the attempt was too sloppy for vampires. Sookie tells him she doesn’t believe a church would kidnap anyone, but Bill reassures her that churches have done a lot worse throughout history. Mm, such as cultural genocide, mass murder, political oppression, and so on, –kind of makes you wonder why Christianity is so popular, hm? Jason strolls into his bunk looking all kinds of happy, and Luke, still bruised up, asks Jason what the “dork face” is about, –Jason tells him he just became a Soldier of the Sun.
The two do the Testosterone Tango for a moment, till Jason wins, –despite everyone else being drafted into the Soldiers of the Sun, Jason is the only one who was invited to stay with the Newlins for the duration. The guys tell Jason it’s only because Sarah wants him for his “hot beef injection”. Egads. Say it ain’t so! Jason starts getting irate, and tells Luke not to talk about Sarah that way, but Luke only continues to instigate him, –despite already having a broken nose. Jason takes off, giving Luke a muttered ‘fuck you’ on his way out. At the Hotel Carmilla, Sookie and Bill discuss their room at the front desk, while Jessica babysits the glamoured kidnapper. Apparently, Eric was kind enough to arrange for the couple to have a room with no bed; Sookie corrects the hotel clerk, and Bill also adds that they’ll need an adjoining room for his err… what would you call Jessica? They decide “progeny” is too old fashioned; Sookie suggests “ward.”
Behind them, Jessica gets a brand new cell phone from Leon the kidnapper, then convinces him that all his worst fears are about to come true unless he screams at the top of his lungs: “Becky Yewbecks(?) is a stuck up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!” Leon does as instructed, and Jessica cracks up, –didn’t we all? Bill and Sookie, who just confirmed Mr. Northman was paying for everything, jump practically out of their skin, and Bill hollers “Jessica!” then turns back to the clerk with “She’s new,” as his only explanation. Hey, it was funny guy, give her a break. In Sookie’s front yard, a bunch of uncoordinated white people are trying to dance while inebriated, and failing miserably; they do succeed admirably in looking like zombies though. I think we found some extras for the next picture in the Romero franchise!
While Maryann chants behind some bushes in front of the house, we’re treated with some traumatizing scenes of drunk people dancing on the lawn, and then more drunk, but better coordinated people dancing in the living room. The white people dancing in the living room are few, –didn’t you know white people can’t dance? Their business is in the front yard, wallerin’ and stumblin’ around like pigs in a shit pile. Tara and Eggs start licking each other and sucking face, while Maryann seems to feed off their horny vibes, and then the couple disappears upstairs to screw. How nice, in Gran’s house. Boy I tell you what, if I came home and caught these people acting like this at my gramma’s house, it would absolutely take a supernatural force to keep me from kicking all kinds of ass. But Tara doesn’t seem to mind, and it’s true the high point is finally getting to see her naked. Though it’s true she’s with Eggs, who looks a bit like a chocolate pretzel stick with a grape stuck on top. That poor boy is all head.
Lafayette is cooling himself with a lacy red fan and watching, what looks like a He-Man movie, –feel free to correct me guys, –when Eric pops up in his window. Lafayette jumps, lands on the floor, and tells Eric he can’t come in uninvited, and he’s nowhere near crazy enough to invite him. Eric pleasantly reminds Lafayette that he’ll have to come out eventually, and he has “all the time in the world.” The crazy warden from the Count of Monte Cristo said the same exact thing, remember? I loved him, and Eric reminds me of him too, all dashing, and wicked, with a touch of lunatic for seasoning. But ladies, before you start popping figurative wood, Eric delivers his Worst and Cheesiest Line of All Time right here: “And now I am here to give you something else; the healing elixir that is my thousand year old blood.” That line is so cliche and Anne Rice, that for a solid minute, I was actually embarassed for the character Eric, the actor who plays him, and Alan Ball. If you’re going to make shit up, at least do it with some originality, guy.
Eric stands with arm offered to Lafayette, who states his reluctance, but Eric argues that he can smell the infection in Lafayette’s leg, and if he doesn’t get it fixed, he’ll lose it. Lafayette asks why Eric wants to give him his blood; Eric replies that he likes him, and Lafayette waves the bullshit flag. No doubt, dude. Eric likes Eric most of all. Lafayette knows that Eric wants to keep track of him, and Eric admits that since Lafayette means something to Sookie, he’s curious about him, and tells Lafayette he has no choice and he knows it. In their hotel room, Bill and Sookie are sitting with Leon, and Bill is trying to reassure him that everything is going to be all right. Leon, petrified, tells Bill that no, all his worst nightmares are coming true. Bill hollers at Jessica, and asks what on earth she did to him, but she hollers back that she’s on the phone. Sookie tells Bill to put his hand on Leon’s shoulder, since touching usually helps her read minds. So… a hundred and something vampire is taking mind reading tips from a 20-something blonde who treated her telepathy like a handicap for most of her life? My turn to wave the bullshit flag.
Bill asks Leon who sent him, and Leon immediately says “Fellowship of the Sun”, –Sookie asks if he’s a member, Leon says no, they hired him, and Bill asks who specifically hired him, Leon says he doesn’t know, because it was over the phone. With a few more questions, they learn Leon was paid with money placed in a bus station locker, was hired to kidnap “the human” with the Compton Party, and bring her to the church, that he didn’t know who Sookie was, or even that she was female. Leon tells them all he knows was that vampires were using a human to find the vampire Godric, and Leon doesn’t know where he is. Bill re-establishes control of poor Leon’s brain, –who really was quite a sweety, he remembered to say “yes, ma’am” and “no ma’am” even while glamoured, –and tells him that his employers will be pleased, because he did so well. Bill tells him the plane arrived, but the Compton party wasn’t on it. Meanwhile, Lafayette is drinking blood from Eric’s wrist, while Eric watches television.
Eric tells him that’s enough, and when Lafayette doesn’t let up, he flicks his wrist and sends the intoxicated guy flying across the room, telling him not to get greedy. Eric’s cell rings, and he answers, telling Bill he was supposed to call when he first arrived, but Bill cuts him off to tell him they were ambushed at the airport. Eric feigns ignorance, but Bill isn’t having it, and Eric admits he thought that maybe the Fellowship of the Sun was behind Godric’s disappearance. Eric ends the call by reminding Bill that he’s the sheriff and doesn’t have to tell Bill everything, and to take it up with the Magister, or the Queen if he has complaints. Lafayette jumps up and begins dancing as though he’d just had about four acid tabs and a gram of coke. Eric asks about his leg, while Lafayette humps a chair; Lafayette says he just wants to “fuckin dance” and Eric remarks “How nice for you” and takes off, leaving Lafayette to have a spaz attack on his own time. How come Sookie never acts like a techno-obsessed stripper on coke when she gets blood from Bill?
While Jason is getting ready for bed, Sarah comes into his room, scantily clad, to tell him good night. Jason asks about him being the only one invited to sleep at their house, and Sarah tells him it’s because the quarters for the S.O.S. are built for 14, and he’s number 15. But she reassures him that it’s also because he’s the best, and the one they have the highest hopes for. After the “I’m so proud of you” speech, Sarah goes to her room, first letting Jason know he can tell her if he needs anything. At the Carmilla in Dallas, Sookie and Bill are taking advantage of the bed in their room when Eric knocks, happy to interrupt, and tells Bill to meet him in the bar. Bill sighs heavy and Sookie pouts as she rolls over. It’s work, work, work with those vampires I guess. Bill and Eric snip at each other for a moment before getting down to the nitty gritty; why a thoroughly conceited vampire like Eric would care about a sheriff of an area in another state. Eric tells Bill, instead, that he hopes he enjoys the $45 blood substitute he just bought him. Bill states he isn’t going to drink it, he just wanted Eric to pay for it, to which Eric responds, “Oh, you’re so mature.” It’s cute, they’re like bickering cousins.
Bill demands Eric answer why Godric is so important to him, and Eric tries to be evasive, saying that Godric is beloved by his subjects. When Bill counters that Godric is not a King or Queen, Eric snaps that Godric could have been, if he’d wanted. He reiterates that Godric is older, and more powerful than himself, and that he’s worried that if humans can take Godric, then no vampire is safe. Bill asks what he can give Eric to release Sookie from her agreement with him, and Eric says “Nothing.” Oooh, harsh. Eric explains to Bill that the reason he’s on the mission as well, is that if Godric isn’t freed soon, then the Dallas vampires will start attacking humans. Bill is shocked into disbelief, and remarks “that’s insane”, but Eric shrugs and says, “That’s Texas.” Yeah, Texas is pretty crazy. Even without the vampires. At Sookie’s house, Daphne and Sam are feeding each other birthday cake, before they start kissing and getting all mushy. Sam hesitates for a second though, and wonders if “this” –the dry humping by Sookie’s kitchen sink, I suppose, –is a good idea. No, it isn’t, go home, have a beer, and write a long apology letter to Sookie, you rude ass bastard.
Daphne though, convinces him it is a good idea, but before they can start sucking face again with as much vigor as before, Sam stops again and tells Daphne he has to tell her something. Oh no, is Sam really a woman?! Oh wait, he must want to explain about being a shapeshifter. Phew. Daphne stops him and says, “No you don’t,” but Sam insists, and she counters again. She whispers, “I know what you are”, and leads him outside, through a melting pot of drunken, pitiful dancers. Upstairs, Tara and Eggs are still doing it, –Eggs has a very cute butt in his favor, but Tara’s boobs are still the main event. Outside, Maryann is doing her human vibrator impression, while people are starting to get into the orgy groove. The party has digressed into smashing food into their faces, eating and rolling in dirt, spacing out, and so on. Maryann is digging in the dirt, before lifting up her hands to show off giant claws, –with, how odd, only three digits. Well, that’s weird, but whatever.
Sookie is flipping through the Adult movie section on the hotel television, when Room Service knocks to deliver a cute little blonde for Jessica to snack on. Sookie wonders if he’s legal, and Barry the bellboy answers her, –as in, read her mind. OMFG! No wayz! He tries to smile and pretend it’s a coincidence, but Sookie ain’t having it. He runs off, and Sookie gives chase. And that’s where they leave us!