We’re at Sookie’s house, or actually, in the yard, where Daphne is leading an awestruck Sam into the woods to explain to him why she knows “what” Sam is. While she walks, she drops one article of clothing at a time, and Sam makes a half-hearted attempt to be in total denial. Daphne patronizes him about carrying his secret, and Sam picks up her discarded panties, –he doesn’t sniff them, but he looks like he wants to. She heads off behind a tree after calling him a fibber, and Sam crankily informs her that she isn’t in the mood. He stumbles around picking up her clothes, and calling for her, and runs into a deer. The deer stares, nods, and Sam says “Hey,” and of course, the deer transforms into a naked Daphne who replies, “Hey your own self.” Sam almost has a coronary, –padding the shocked part a bit much, but it’s convincing! Cue the intro music, Jace Everett has us wiggling and ready for the show!
“Jesus Christ!” Sam repeats the expletive, a couple times, and gosh it’s a good thing everybody has lost their frigging minds, or someone might be offended. Sam waves Daphne’s boots around in shock, jibbering, and pointing. Before Sam and Daphne can get to any full fledged making out, a giggling Arlene and flushed Terry come stumbling up behind them. Terry grins and greets Sam, Arlene gives a snippy greeting to Daphne, before Terry whisks Arlene off to go fool around in the woods. Daphne, naked, kisses Sam on the cheek and runs off, leaving him to bid an awkward farewell to Terry and Arlene. Back at the Hotel Carmilla, as you’ll recall, Sookie is chasing down her newfound friend, the hesitant telepathic, Barry the Bellboy. He’s not interested in knowing Sookie at all, and Sookie is just so excited, she probably wants to hug him and shower him in Hallmark cards and flowers.
A glamoured human stumbles into them, and Sookie grumbles back at him, –Barry warns her not to do that, but she shrugs him off, pointing out that the recently fed on human’s mind is “full of fog and disco music.” Sookie tries in vain to bring Barry around, and asks him telepathically, if he’d ever heard vampire thoughts. Barry gets pale, turns around, and comes back to tell her never to say anything like that, and warns her about the lunatic vampires in Dallas. He stalks off, and Sookie does likewise. In their room, Bill is chastizing Jessica for feeding on a human; her defense is that she ordered him off the menu. Bill sends her to her room when Sookie enters, and of course, Bill is irate that Sookie left the room. Jessica stalks off and slams the door, no doubt planning to order all kinds of raunchy porno off the hotel’s pay-per-view channel, and Bill sets in to warn Sookie about the big bad Dallas vampires. Sookie’s argument is “I’m yours,” and she informs Bill while taking his clothes off; she’s rarin’ and ready to go, but Bill is intent on being the adult. He asks her to just do what she’s told, for her own sake, and Sookie tells him she knows, and basically, will behave.
Sookie isn’t dissuaded from her mood to get all mushy, and reminds Bill that since they’re in a light-tight vampire hotel, he won’t have to leave her in bed alone. Bill tells Sookie his only desire is to keep her safe, and she reaches down to check on his “only desire”, and discovers his statement false. Oh my. The two get all cute and mushy, and poor Jessica, cursed with excellent hearing, tries to smother the grossness by calling Hoyt, who answers the phone by stating, “You’re talkin’ to the man.” Nice. When he realizes it’s Jessica, his big, dumb, and macho act falls through, and he turns back into the sweet little puppy we know and love. Hoyt tells her that he can’t stop thinking about her, and they have a giggly little young love moment, -or would have had, if Hoyt obnoxious mother Maxine Fortenberry hadn’t barged in with her hair in curlers, hissing at him about the late night phone call. Maxine must have vampire hearing, because his cell phone ring tone was not that loud.
Hoyt chases his idiotic mother off, and hunkers down on the phone once more, and Jessica tells him she can’t stop thinking about him either. Jessica tells him she’s bored over there, and Hoyt suggests they watch TV long distance, or he could tell her about his comic book. Jessica agrees to do both, and the two cuties curl up. I hate to be a party-pooper here, but Jessica doesn’t have a cell phone charger to go with the phone she snagged from Leon… that’s going to suck major! At the house full of Bible bangers, Jason is sleeping like a cute little cult member kitten, when some crazed man with an air horn barges in to wake him up, and throw sweats at him. Jason is herded downstairs, stumbling into his sweats and being called names. On the lawn, the rest of the Vampire Slaying 101 class has assembled, while Sarah Newlin and our new friend, the wannabe drill sergeant observe. It’s the ass crack of dawn and she’s wearing blinding pastel yellow sweats, and carrying a clip board, and explaining that God needs their obedience and bla “>bla “>bla “>bla bla bla.
When Jason asks for a bathroom, Sarah Newlin tells him “…not until you’ve earned it,” and Jason is not amused. The weird Bible thumper drill sergeant commands “Drop and gimme 30!” and shoves him down. Sadly, Jason doesn’t bash him. When the Luke-inator laughs, he’s ordered to “Drop and gimme 50!” Haha, neener; Jason and Luke get competitive with their push-ups, and Jason puts one hand behind his back. Oooh, sexy. At Sookie’s house, Tara wakes up beside Eggs, and leans over him to listen to his heart. Yeah, good idea. I’m surprized either of them are alive after all the booze and pot they’ve been sucking down. Eggs is in fact, alive, so Tara leans over to look at Sookie’s birthday present to her; the picture of Gran, with Sookie and Tara as little girls. The creepy one. Any chance of them having sex that morning is obliterated. Oh well. How many people think of their best friend’s grandma when they’re laying in bed with a naked man? Don’t everybody jump up at once.
Eggs sits up beside her, when he notices she’s awake, and mumbles morning-talk to her. You know, the noises you make when you wake up that aren’t quite actual speech? Tara shows Eggs the photo, and tells him what a good person Gran was. Eggs asks what she’d think of him, and Tara tells him that Gran would like him, since she could appreciate a handsome man. Honey, I doubt Gran would be very keen on you screwing him in her house. They talk some more about cutesy romantic things, and Eggs promises her that her first good birthday was only the first of many. Back at Hotel Matte Painting, or uh, -cough- the Hotel Carmilla, Sookie wakes up in the dark beside a sleeping Bill, –it’s still daylight out. Sookie goes downstairs to get breakfast and discovers the true meaning of “Continental Breakfast.” Ah, we all remember the day when we discovered our first selection of miniature cereals, Luke-warm milk, toxic orange juice, barely thawed Danish, and soggy toast in a hotel lobby. Sookie doesn’t falter though, she chooses the Danish, –excellent choice, –before pouncing on Barry once more.
Barry isn’t having it, and asks her why she won’t leave him alone, not all that surprised when she doesn’t pick up the “rhetorical question” hint. She tells him, it’s because she’s never met another telepath, and asks him if he has. Barry tells her no, and not to say the word “telepath”, but Sookie argues. I realize, Barry will eventually be important, but God, Sookie is sure being annoying right now. When Sookie tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Barry argues, telling her it’s impossible for him to think or feel normal unless he’s around vampires. Sookie can sympathize, and does, forcefully. A woman thinking loudly about what a, –yes, a very dirty pun is intended, –pain in the ass a Brazilian wax is, interrupts Sookie and Barry’s discussion. Sookie loudly infiltrates his mind, trying to get him to concentrate in order to shut out the obnoxious woman with several bite marks all over her. He tells the woman looking to be hired as a professional food source to fill out an application, despite their being already fully staffed.
Sookie tries to reassure him that he can control it, but he doesn’t believe her, and isn’t interested, even when she offers to teach him how; he walks off with the woman in the hideous dress and leaves Sookie to steal some bananas. Sookie tries to quietly climb back in bed with Bill, but he wakes up, and she’s busted. She explains to Bill that she met another telepath, even though he’s not nice, or “good at it.” Bill disapproves and warms up for a long, over-protective rant, and Sookie prepares her equally naive defense. The end result is Sookie’s victory, –of course, the woman always wins, or the world falls apart. Bill admits that he feels like a human, and worse yet, like a waitress. Someone from Costumes please, get Bill a pair of those fabulous skimpy booty shorts! Bill, beaten, changes the subject to Eric’s intensity about the mission to find Godric, and Bill tells Sookie he doesn’t trust it. Sookie reassures Bill that they can just do the job, and go home, but Bill thinks Eric might screw them over. Sookie counters that Eric won’t wanna make her mad, because he needs her.
Bill obviously doesn’t like that, but can’t argue, except to say “I can’t lose you.” Sookie tells him he won’t and the two snuggle up. Awww. At Merlotte’s Daphne and Arlene are getting snippy with each other; apparently, Daphne didn’t do her closing prep, but Arlene did. So while Arlene breaks before her shift, Daphne whines for help. Terry shows up to help stock the bar, and is a little awkward and tight lipped with Arlene, who doesn’t get it. Daphne spots him and calls on Terry for help, but Arlene tells him not to, –back and forth, Daphne wants help, Arlene says no, and finally Terry wanders off mumbling. Arlene goes after him, snapping at Daphne as she runs off to comfort Terry. Sam walks in for a quiet word with Daphne about last night; her running off, and leaving him stranded, –and of course he wants to know when they can hook up. She tells him that she just needed a run, and “soon”. Arlene listens in disapprovingly, but before she can put her two cents in, Lafayette walks through the door, quiet and subdued. Arlene rushes up to give him a hug, and Terry is overjoyed. Lafayette asks to talk to Sam and the two head back to Sam’s office.
Sam starts in reaming Lafayette, telling him that they didn’t know what happened to him, whether he was alive or dead, and so on. Lafayette says “Sorry,” but with none of his usual sass and quip. Sam asks what he wanted to talk about, and Lafayette simply asks for his job back. Sam goes on another mini-tirade, telling him that the stress of running the kitchen almost put Terry back in a VA hospital, but winds down quickly and tells Lafayette he can have his job back. Before Lafayette leaves, Sam, instead of asking “where have you been?”, asks “what happened to you?” The scene almost makes me cry, –Lafayette’s character has altered that much. Lafayette leaves without answering. Poor baby. Back at the Bible Banger Camp, the crazy drill instructor and Sarah Newlin are riding in a golf cart. The instructor shouts at the jogging “trainees”; one middle aged guy drops, and Jason stops to help him, but Luke-inator antagonizes him, and speeds off. Jason eventually gives up on the guy just wants to go back to being a bank teller, and jogs off to catch up with the group.
At Sookie’s house, Maryann is in the kitchen making her huge breakfast, when Tara comes downstairs, wondering what the hell she’s still there for. And Maryann has big news! She needs a place to stay! Ha, naturally. Tara tells her basically, that she needs to GTFO, because Tara is a guest in the house herself, and can’t just fill up Sookie’s house with people she doesn’t know. Damn right! Apparently, Maryann’s house belonged to a “client”, and he’s moving back in. Uh huh. She’s a scandalous ho, and you’ve got to keep an eye on her. Maryann sniffles and leaves, –manipulative psycho. Tara head to the other room to see if Eggs knew what was going on, and sadly, the string bean dingbat is like, “Oh cool, hur hur,” and Tara tells him flat out, that they can’t all stay there. Eggs doesn’t care, and flippantly tells her they’ll just go somewhere else. Tara asks if they’re nomads or something, but Eggs says it doesn’t matter as long as you’re with people you love.
Tara corrects him, setting him straight, that other things do matter, like the truth, and she demands to know what his thing with Maryann is. Eggs lays on a heavy guilt trip, and leaves her sitting there. Poor idiot is brainwashed, Carl is a zombie, and Maryann runs around naked stalking blondes with nasty poisonous claws. Yeah, Tara, that’s family. You’re the bad one, now climb in your pod so we can suck your brains out. Speaking of the brainless, the Soldiers of the Sun or whatever they call themselves, are stopped at a fence. Each of the trainees has to climb over, and after one guy flops over it and bites the dust on the other side, it’s Luke’s turn. Luke can’t make it, so the nutty instructor start hollering and harassing him. Jason’s up next, and in his infinite sweetness, instead of leaving Luke behind, he helps him over the fence. Awww. Sarah Newlin is beyond enthusiastic, and it’s impossible not to notice her huge figurative woody for Jason. In Dallas, Bill, Sookie, and Eric are meeting with the vampires of Godric’s area, that seem to be barely functioning without him.
Isabelle, with a hint of Spanish accent, is the one who hired Sookie, and Stan is against it. Eric paces, only interested in what’s being done to find Godric. Stan wants to obliterate the Fellowship of the Sun, Isabelle, however, with both Bill and Sookie, agree that it would be disastrous, and the King of Texas would be most displeased. Stan doesn’t care, and Isabelle warns him not to make a power play just because of Godric’s disappearance. Eric, getting more pissed off by the second, hollers at them, for being “incompetent”, wondering aloud why Godric surrounds himself with clowns. Isabelle gets in his shit, and tells him he was invited out of courtesy, stand, much more direct, tells him to run along in an absolutely delicious Texan accent. They bicker, and Stan claims he has a plan, –that is, to raid the Fellowship of the Sun’s headquarters and start a “war.” Eric calls them idiots, and turns away, disgusted. At the Newlin mansion, Steve and Sarah are arguing about “stuff”, –apparently, the big bald drill instructor wannabe is Gabe, and he always knows more than Sarah, even though she and Steve are “supposed to be partners.” Aww, poor blondie. Steve tells her he doesn’t have time for this, and walks off to talk to Gabe.
Steve hands Gabe a folder, while Sarah protests that he doesn’t listen to her, and is taking things “too darn far.” Steve tells Gabe there is “very important information” in the folder, and Gabe takes off. Before Sarah and Steve can renew their debate, Jason comes down the stairs, greeted happily by Mrs. Newlin. Sarah tells Steve how great Jason was that day, and Steve tells him he’s rising to the next level. Jason, clueless, asks what that is; we’re all wondering what the limits of this madness could possibly be too. Steve leads Jason away to show him something, and when Sarah tries to tag along, Steve blows her off. Steve complains to Jason that sometimes he understands people who believe in divorce. Shiiit, yeah, because having your own brainless blonde slave must get awful boring! Steve shows Jason into the ‘Research and Development’ facilities; a big room containing several fully automatic military assault style weapons, designed-with-vampires-in-mind ammo, a flamethrower, plenty of wooden arrows, and more!
Jason wanders the room in awe, while Steve Newlin shows him around, from silver throwing stars, to a frigging rocket launcher. Jason, practically a walking Ode to the Easily Impressed, looks like a kid in a candy store. Over at Merlotte’s, Carl and Maryann park outside so that Maryann can do her impression of a human vibrator; what goes on inside is the real show. Everyone melts down, snapping and getting pissed off at each other, and then redirect all their nastiness to Tara, who eventually tells them all to fuck off. Satisfied, Maryann and her manslave, Carl, drive off. At the Newlin mansion, Jason is taking a bath, in an enormous bathroom while angels float around in a huge domed ceiling, giving one the creepy impression that they’re er…. staring. Gross. Sarah Newlin walks in, behind him, and closes the door; Jason, who doesn’t know she’s there, says to get on, ‘bathtub’s occupied’. Mrs. Newlin, the dirty little blonde dinghead, has finally broken down. She says, “I know,” and Jason I’d say, now definitely knows it’s her.
Jason turns around and snatches a towel, then offers to leave if he stayed too long in the bathroom. Maryann locks the door behind her, and offers to help him. Oh boy. Jason looks shocked, and a million thoughts are probably trying to go through his head, except only one can fit at a time. And since they’re Jason’s thoughts, they’re probably beating each other up to get in. Sarah strolls over, and takes his towel, before sitting on her knees, rolling up one sleeve, and using a –of course, –yellow loofah, to wash Jason. He looks both torn, and thrilled; when have we known Jason to be afraid of willing pussy? He must have found Jesus after all! Sarah tells Jason about Mary Magdalene washing the feet of Jesus, –an interesting choice of icebreakers for cheating on your husband with his new friend. Somehow I doubt Mary Magdalene ever talked Jesus into getting a handjob in the bathtub, but Jason is easily convinced when she tells him that God wants him to have a reward. And with her hand around your tool, could you say no?
At Godric’s nest in Dallas, Stan and Isabelle are still arguing; Stan is for a war on the Fellowship of the Sun, and Isabelle is arguing against it, neither bringing up Godric, –Eric does though, angry and breaking things. Bill states that there is a traitor in their midst, but the two Dallas vampires don’t believe him. Finally, Sookie speaks up with her plan to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun, and check out their thoughts while she’s there. Bill isn’t for it at all, since in the daytime no one can help her, but Eric wants to hear her out, –mostly because it benefits him. She insists she can do it, and Stan walks off, claiming he wants no part, especially since they could easily kill all of them. Isabelle reluctantly agrees to Sookie’s plan, and Eric determines the decision final. Bill, looking none too pleased, asks Eric to step out with him for a private chat, leaving Sookie there, looking slightly awkward. Isabelle approaches her, and asks how her relationship with Bill is going. Eric and Bill, in another part of the house, pause for a few words. Bill brings up Sookie’s latest near death experience, and states that Eric knew she’d end up in danger again, and demands to know why he’s taking all this trouble for Godric.
Eric looks pained, which is sweet and sad on him; he flashes back. Three warrior types are trudging along in the mud, Viking style Norse men, or “Northmen”. Eric, the “Northman”, is wounded from battle and being half dragged, half carried through the woods. They all fall, and Eric tells them to leave him, because he’s finished. But the two loyal soldiers tell him no, because he saved their lives a hundred times, they would rather wait with him and be at his side when he dies. They describe the reception waiting for him in Valhalla, “meat, beer, gold, and women!” Eric tells them wherever he goes, there will always be women. Aww, even a thousand years ago, Eric was a ladies man. Eric smiles, though dying, and allows them to carry him once more, barely on his feet. On a high deathbed, Eric lays ready to die. One of his men approaches, and tells him not to be afraid, but Eric says he’s not afraid, he’s “pissed off”. Yes because, they had that expletive a thousand years ago… hmm, I doubt it. Suddenly, something rushes out of the woods, and before the men have time to so much as raise their weapons, their throats are ripped open, and a beautiful boy with tribal tattoos perches beside Eric, blood running down his face.
Hey, don’t let me get carried away describing Godric, but he is damn gorgeous. Eric asks if he is Death, the boy tells him yes, and Eric says, “But you’re just a little boy.” Godric says, “I’m not.” Eric, near death, whispers, “My men…” and Godric says shortly, “Dead.” Eric calls him swine, but undeterred, Godric begins telling him that he saw him fighting on the battlefield, and that he’d never seen anyone fight like Eric. Eric tells him he’d fight him now if he could; Godric laughs quietly, and says he knows, “it’s beautiful.” Though the scene is poignant, Eric wants to get it over with and die, so he asks Godric what he’s waiting for, to kill him. Godric instead asks if he could be a companion of Death, walk through the world with him, through the dark, with Godric as his father, brother, and son, –Eric asks what’s in it for him, and Godric tells him, life, –the thing Eric loves most. Eric repeats, “Life,” and Godric begins to drain him, in order to begin the process of turning him.
Fast-forward, and Eric, looking miserable, tells Bill quietly, “Godric is my maker.” Aww, poor baby. At Merlotte’s, Daphne is help close up with Sam, and apparently, the two are alone, since they start rubbing up against each other near one of the pool tables. Daphne remarks about how “hot” Sam is, –trust me, woman, we know, –and Sam explains that he does too, instead of being at the normal 98.6, he always runs around 100, or 101. Daphne tells him she does too, that it’s a “shifter thing”. She tells him that she’s surprised he never met another shifter, and Sam reveals hat he has run into werewolves. Daphne rolls her eyes; I guess werewolves are icky and gross? Daphne asks, curious, what it feels like for him to change, and he tells her that it’s like sparks running all over his skin, that it used to scare him. Daphne says it was the same for her, now it just feels awesome though. Sam goes on to subtly compare it to an orgasm, and that gets them going. Personally, I wouldn’t ever do anything on a pool table, rednecks touch the same felt lining all day. Yuck. After a raunchy joke about billiard equipment, Sam displays an obvious lack of consideration for the hygienic concerns, and mounts Daphne right there on the pool table. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And I don’t trust Daphne, she sucks at being a waitress too much to be normal.
At the hotel, Bill and Sookie are headed to their room, when Sookie tells him she needs to ask about “human stuff”, –Bill waits for her at the elevator, and Sookie goes to the front desk to ask about Barry the Bellboy. The receptionist informs her that Barry quit that day, and Sookie is shocked, but thanks the woman, who probably thinks Sookie is either getting it on with him, or deranged. She walks off to join Bill. At Sookie’s house, something really sick and twisted and gross is going on. Maryann is sitting at Gran’s table, reading some book with “HeartSick” on the cover, –probably about surgical cardiology, and she’s only reading it for a) its value as a cookbook, or b) the pictures. Maryann is also wearing what looks like, one of Gran’s dresses. I am thoroughly disturbed and grossed out. Tara approaches this alarming scene, and good god, get ready for plenty of backpedaling, manipulation, and brainfucking. Maryann looks old without make-up, or has make-up on to make her look old, and has her hair is a loose bun.
It’s enough to make you puke in your soup. Really. The Gran-pretender, asks Sookie how her day was (what big eyes you have, Grandma!), and Tara tells her it was really rough. Maryann says they looked at houses all day, but didn’t find anything, and promises anyway that they be out by morning (what a big mouth you have, Grandma!), and that she made all Tara’s favor foods, then stocked them in the fridge with her dinner. Tara finally melts, and tells Maryann she can stay, because she’s so good to her; ugh, god. Lifestyles of the broke and spineless. Maryann tells Tara she’s good to her because she needs it so much, and it makes her bloom like a flower. And Tara buys it, how sad. Upstairs, Eggs is sprawled out reading in her bed, when Tara comes in to join him. Aww, so cute. In Dallas, Bill and Sookie are discussing the vampires in Area 9 that they met at Godric’s nest, or “lair” as Bill calls it. He calls them all kinds of nasty things, and Sookie reassures him that he’s different, and better. Um, how were Stan and Isabelle even that bad? From what I saw, they were just stupid, and inconsiderate, and impetuous. You know, like everybody else.
Sookie tells Bill he’s different because he’s able to love, and has a heart. He asks Sookie to just slip back to Bon Temps, but Sookie reminds him that Stan is insane, and she did give her word to Eric. Bill looks all defeated, and starts up on one of his threats that if anything happens to Sookie, he’ll –but Sookie cuts him off, and good thing too, since he really abuses that line. She promises to be in and out, and Bill totally changes the subject by letting her know that since it’s been a long night …they don’t have to …er… Because he’d be satisfied to just hold her. Sookie tells Bill she would not be satisfied, so that means get off your ass, and get to it, man! While they get to it, the Original Homewrecker prowls the hotel hallway; Bill’s maker, the nasty woman with the dead bodies stacked up in her house. Oooh, and the nasty bitch is -listening- to them do it? That’s where they leave us!