At the Hotel Carmilla, Eric is snacking on a classy looking dirty blonde, and loses his appetite when she calls him “baby”. She offers to pretend she doesn’t like it, and though Eric seems to have a few reservations about her acting skills, he resumes his dinner. When Lorena, Bill’s maker shows up however, he shoos the girl along, promising to tell her boss she was ‘magnificent’, though seeing her pretend not to want it was minimally worse than her original performance. He tells her he was beginning to think she wouldn’t come, but Lorena sees through and tells him that for a vampire, he’s a terrible liar. Nah, Eric’s actually quite an excellent liar. He was just teasing. Women have no sense of humor. Cue the intro music! After Jace Everett’s purty song, we’re treated with a nice warm, mushy scene full of naked Sookie and Bill making out in bed. Before they can play naked leapfrog, there’s a knock at the door. Bill is up, already in a robe, in a flash; he opens the door after the knocker claims to be Isabelle.
It’s not Lorena, thank god, –that would have gotten ugly. Isabelle stands with a man, and Bill asks who he is. Isabelle says his name is Hugo, and declares him to be “hers”. Bill looks at it him a little suspiciously, before letting them in and microwaving some Tru-Blood. For some reason, the Tru-Blood in this scene look a little more Asian than usual. Maybe it’s because the label is violet, instead of the usual black and red? While Bill sets up a nice little vampire tea party, Isabelle explains that she understands Bill being worried to send Sookie alone, so she is offering her human lover, Hugo, to help Sookie on her mission. Bill asks why she’s being all nice and helpful, and she admits that it would be a real bitchy move to let them do all the work when they’re not even from Area 9, –or even Texas, for god’s sake. Bill asks the same question of Hugo, and he tells Bill because he’d do anything for Isabelle. Awww; Sookie looks into his mind and hears him repeating how much he loves Isabelle, “forever, and forever and forever” –not a real creative thinker, but a big sweetheart, sure.
Isabelle also explains that the people of the Fellowship of the Sun will probably be less suspicious of a single woman, than a couple. Sookie admits to Bill that it’s true, and he accepts the logic without getting all over-protective. Lorena and Eric sit below in the lounge, and Eric tells her he’d considered putting her in the room adjoining Bill and Sookie’s room, but he figured that would be “over-the-top.” Yes, as well as scandalous, deceitful, dangerous, and a variety of other vicious things. Eric admits to Lorena that he’s after Sookie and wants Bill out of the way, and he’s appealing to Lorena to keep Bill busy. Lorena asks what Sookie is, and Eric admits he doesn’t know, though she isn’t human, and whatever she is, Bill loves her. Lorena asks Eric what makes him think she’s interested; Eric points out that she didn’t come all the way to Dallas just to see him, and she tries to argue that she hasn’t seen Bill for seventy years, that she has no pull over him. Eric ends the argument by stating that he’s not seen his maker in much longer than that, and remains fiercely loyal.
Lorena tries to get cute with Eric, asserting that maybe she should have turned him, and glancing at the man on the piano, admits Eric isn’t really her type. Flashback time! Bill is in a tux at the piano singing Hard-Hearted Hannah, which is hilariously ironic, –if you recognize the words, Hannah is the “vamp of Savannah, GA”. It’s Chicago, in 1926, and just thank your lucky stars that Richard Gere doesn’t dance past in his underwear. Bill and Lorena are entertaining company, –Lorena sets her eyes on a fat guy and a dingy blond with eyebrows that could make a train take a dirt road. When Lorena opens her mouth, she spills forth with an “Enjoying ze enter-tain-ment?” in a French accent that makes you cringe, deep in your soul. The blonde with drawn-on eyebrows says Bill is just wonderful, and Lorena agrees. Lorena notices the dingy blond’s necklace and says it’s “extraordinary.” The couple chit-chat with Lorena about where she’s from. Apparently the accent wasn’t a dead give away, so Lorena explains that they are from “Yor-rip”, “Frons”.
The Fronch Lorena from Yor-rip laments that Americans are so purr-he-tan-he-cle, but the fat guy raises his glass and says “Fuck prohibition!” The blond exclaims, and calls him crass, but Lorena agrees and they talk about staying over for more fucking of prohibition. Or probably prohibited fucking; wonder what kind of laws they had against group sex and such back then? Bill comes over to chat, and his French accent, –despite his singing in a southern accent, a-hur, –is much more believable. I’m sure the eating of people, that takes place later, was frowned upon, though it looks like they’re having a great time. While Lorena reminisces about Bill being a sweet and murderous psychotic, Sam and Daphne are laying butt naked on a pool table, and I’m still thinking, ew, ew, ew, unsanitary! Sam finally asks about the massive scar, and Daphne explains that something attacked her, but she didn’t know what, that is slashed her, and then she was real sick for weeks.
Doctors didn’t know what it was, but she survived, and was told she was lucky to be alive, and she counts her blessings every single day. Ahem, –don’t get too infatuated with Daphne, –she’s not exactly an “Amy” type, but she’s also not one of the good guys. And that’s all I’ll say. Poor Sam, he’s so unlucky in love; he tells Daphne she’s the most amazing person ever. They get into a sappy little talk about how Sam should open up more to the people he loves about being a shifter, since it’s nothing to be ashamed of. He tells her it’s not worth the risk of telling people, with all the other dangerous stuff out there, and Daphne tells him, “not taking a risk is riskier.” Ah, the powers of the blond vocabulary continue to stun and dismay. She butters him up some more, and they flop back on the pool table for more sex. Gee, that must be comfortable.
At Sookie’s, everybody is kissing Maryann’s ass because the water heater is busted; Eggs is doing the “man thing”, i.e., standing around with a monkey wrench and a greasy rag, pretending to know what he’s doing. Tara is on the phone with a parts store two hours away, and Carl is rubbing Maryann’s feet. Tara offers to take a look, but Eggs claims she’s being spiteful, and asserts himself as the “man of the house”, –then apologizes to Carl. He isn’t offended; Carl knows he’s the bitch. Tara gets confirmation that the store two hours from Bon Temps has the part, and she even manages to wheedle Eggs away from Maryann to navigate for her. Haha, poor Maryann, apparently, she doesn’t like to be dirty so much after all. At the Fellowship’s Light of Day Institute, Jason and Luke are headed over to the church yard, for an urgent assignment. Jason is worried about getting his ass kicked for getting a handjob from Sarah Newlin, Reverend Steve Newlin’s wife. Steve giggles and holds up a power drill, –“buzz buzz” –which does nothing to reassure Jason. Although the rest of us know Steve Newlin is ignorant and his wife’s an imbecile, Jason thinks they can see right through him.
Steve shows Jason the schematics for the project he wants, and Jason, who understands what he wants, –a basic platform with a cross on it, –still makes sure he isn’t being punished for something. Mrs. Newlin nervously tells him to be thankful for the job they’ve been given, and reminds him Jesus was a carpenter. Steve is all excited, and decides to tell Jason and Luke what the platform and cross is for, despite Sarah’s protests, and that they’re going to be frying a vampire, in a ceremony called “meeting the sun.” Jason doesn’t know what it means to “meet the sun” so Luke explains it. Jason exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” while everyone else giggles and laughs, except for Sarah who doesn’t really agree but doesn’t have the spine to back out. Jason clearly isn’t into it, but he joins Luke to build the vampire frying station, and it’s good to see that he and Luke aren’t really at each other’s throats anymore.
Hugo and Sookie are in the lounge, and he hands her an engagement ring to make things look more genuine; he really is kind of a looker, very sexy in that professional, clever, witty and good at talking kind of way. I prefer a good talker to a good listener any day. They make sure they have their shit together for going into the Fellowship’s headquarters, and segue into talking about what it’s like for him to date a vampire. She asks if he and Isabelle ever fight, and he admits that they do all the time, but that it’s better because there’s more passion there than with other women he’d been with. He confides that lately they’ve been fighting about Isabelle eventually turning him, and his worry about getting old, while their vampire mates stay young. He asks Sookie if they’ll still want to be with their human lovers when they’re old and decrepit. Sookie admits she’d never thought of that before, and now worried herself, they decide to go. Hugo apologizes, but Sookie retorts that now, if she dies on the mission, she won’t have to worry about getting old and being unloved.
Tara and Eggs are headed down what appears to be Memory Lane, –or at least, Deja Vu Lane, for Eggs; not long after he’s given Tara directions, he looks at the road and tells her they’ll be a diner in an old barn coming up around the bend. He starts getting upset, because he knows he’s been there before, but doesn’t know how he knows. They pull over into the parking lot, and Tara follows Eggs into the woods along a dirt road. At Merlotte’s, Terry is busing a table when Arlene walks up and asks if he wants to get together later with her, and when he agrees, she tells him she has a surprise planned for him. Terry nervously admits he hates surprises; poor guy, you can see how he might. Arlene tells him she’s a “very mysterious woman” and walks off, leaving Terry all anxious. Daphne meanwhile, approaches Maxine and her friend’s table, asking if she can get them anything else, –Maxine suggests the tea she ordered five minutes ago, and Worcestershire. Daphne scoots off to try not to be such a crappy waitress, while Maxine and her friend giggle about how all the good waitresses end up being knifed. Charming, ladies.
Andy heads back to the kitchen to harass Lafayette, pestering him about where he’s been and why he’s lost all his “pizzaz.” When Andy starts yelling, Lafayette collapses, and hides his face in the corner. Andy’ head turns into Eric, screaming in Lafayette’s face. Lafayette covers his eyes, and Terry, who walked in when Andy started yelling, recognizes the symptoms of PTSD, that he has to deal with every day. The scene is one of those on the “almost makes me cry list.” Terry tells Andy to leave Lafayette alone, and when Andy ignores him, he pushes Andy away, and tells him that he’s not the cop he set out to be, and that everyone already knows he isn’t a cop anymore. Terry tells Andy to leave, and Andy apologizes to Lafayette, and goes. Terry approaches Lafayette, and this part did make me cry when I first saw it, –without any hint of reservation, Terry pulls Lafayette over, cradles him and talks him down from his panic attack. In the restaurant area, Hoyt Fortenberry strolls in, mad as a hornet and demands that his mother explain why his phone is saying “activation required” even though he paid the bill last week. Maxine Fortenberry tries to introduce her friend, but Hoyt isn’t interested, and his mother tells him she had it turned off.
Hoyt tells her that Jessica won’t be able to call him, and Maxine says “Good,” because she doesn’t believe it’s right or a girl to be calling so late. Hoyt slams the phone down on the table and tells her to turn it back on, or he’ll move out. He starts to leave, then turns back and tells Maxine the reason Jessica calls late is because she’s a vampire. Maxine gasps, and her friend pats her hand. In the back, Sam tells Daphne, who is just now getting her lazy ass around to making Maxine’s tea, that he can’t work because every time he looks at the pool table, –you know, the one with interesting new stains, that the rednecks are standing around, –that he thinks of her on it. He asks her if she wants to sneak off and shift, and go “do it out under the sun.” Aww, young love, so raunchy and cute. Daphne tells him she can’t because if she left, her boss would kill her, but Sam tells her that if she doesn’t go out back right now, and take off all her clothes, then he’ll fire her. Oh oh oh, lawsuit! Hmm, sex with a hot guy, or over $100,000 in “emotional damages.” Tough choice, but Daphne was never bright anyway; she heads out back to get nekkid, and Sam follows.
Outside, Luke and Sam are building the platform; Luke is singing about vampires to the tune of the “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, and can’t think of any more words, when Jason smashes his thumb with a hammer. When he calls himself stupid, Luke says nah, just preoccupied. He tells him to spill it, and reminds him that he’s wearing his “honesty ring.” Jason starts off by asking about when Luke said that all Sarah wanted was his Johnson, but Luke cuts him off and tells him he was just being jealous, and Sarah is the holiest person he knows. Jason asks Luke about him being abstinent, and Luke tells him that sex outside marriage is a sin, and adultery is “right up there with incest and bestiality.” Jason looks shocked, and Luke continues that none of that compares to ‘doing it to a vampire –or a dude.’ Jason fails to recognize the implications about Bill and his sister, while Luke goes on about the ‘creme de la creme of sin’, –screwing a vampire dude. Jason half-heartedly tries the word “abstinent” behind his name, and doesn’t like it. He comes up with the rest of a line for Luke’s song, “the big ol’ scary vampire went to the sun to fry” and Luke declares it awesome.
The silver car coming up the hill, funny enough as it is, was Jason’s Sister, Sookie Stackhouse and her pretend-fiance Hugo, coming to infiltrate the Fellowship of the Sun. Sarah Newlin stands outside, pointing them toward a parking space. Sookie recognizes Sarah Newlin, because she’s on TV all the time, and says she looks like vanilla pudding in person. Yeah, with about as much common sense. Hugo and Sookie agreed that Hugo should do all the talking, so that she can better listen to their thoughts, but Sookie starts chattering right away, nervously, but not exactly giving away her nervousness, –just being generally chatty. She introduces herself as Holly Simpson, and Hugo as Rufus Dobson, her fiance. Hugo asks what her deal is, when Sarah gets a bit ahead, leading them off to meet Steve Newlin, Sookie explains she talks too much when she’s nervous. No shit, how can you tell? Sookie tells Steve, once inside, that her and ‘Rufus’ met in church, but left because it became clear that the pastor was a –Steve guesses homosexual, –but Sookie tells him he was a vampire sympathizer.
Sarah sighs in disapproval, and Steve goes on about how much that ticks him off. Sookie tells them that her and Rufus want to make the Fellowship of the Sun their new home. Aww. While Sarah chatters on, Sookie listens to Steve’s thoughts, and he’s thinking about frying the vampire they have in the basement. Sookie, or, Holly Simpson, tells the Newlins she knows that vampires are vicious bloodthirsty killers, –while the vicious, bloodthirsty Lorena remembers killing the blonde and the fat guy with Bill. Bill is all angry and sticky with 20’s era blond idiot blood, and Lorena looks delighted as she snaps the fat guy’s neck. What I like about TrueBlood is they never forget that when you’re really biting a person, bits of skin and goo might get stuck to your teeth. Bill slurps on blondie for a bit, then scoots her over so him and Lorena can screw on the bed. He remembers how much Lorena liked blondie’s pretty necklace, and puts it on her. Fast forward, back to the Hotel Carmilla; Lorena is still wearing the necklace. Ew, I hope she’s washed it.
Tara and Eggs are still roaming the woods, Eggs is sure he’s been there before, but Tara is just worried that’s he’s losing it. When they arrive at a clearing, surrounded by burnt out torches, they both look around. Eggs gets more upset, but Tara tries to comfort him, saying that maybe he was taken there as a kid at some point. There are bloody clothes, rocks with weird symbols drawn on them, and another rock covered in blood. Eggs tells Tara something bad happened there, and he’s worried he was a part of it. Poor Eggs starts to cry, and Tara helps him get back to their car. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Steve and Sarah are taking “Holly and Rufus” on a tour of their lunatic asylum, when they get to the main chapel, –which in all fairness, is beautiful. Sookie tells the Newlins that she would love to get married there, when Steve asks if they’ve ever been to a “lock-in”, –a church slumber party type thing. Sookie listens to Steve and Sarah’s thoughts.
Steve is thinking Sookie is a dirty fangbanger, and wondering if she can hear his thoughts, while his wife is worried about Sookie, thinking vampires talked her into this. Steve explains what a lock-in is, and when it is, while Sookie tries to convince ‘Rufus’ that they need to get the hell out of there. Gabe approaches and Steve introduces him, who he says will join them for the rest of the tour. –Gabe is thinking Sookie has the perfect amount of “titty showing.” Gee, great people, these Christian folk. Andy Bellefleur is drinking and driving his classic Mercedes, when a gigantic pig and a collie dog run out in the road ahead of him, then take off. Andy recognizes the pig, pulls over, and starts hollering, “Pig!” and half-heartedly gives chase, but ends up tripping, and falling face first on the ground. Aww, poor Andy. Elsewhere in the Hundred Acre Wood, Sam and Daphne are getting dressed, and giggling about how cool it was to almost get hit by a drunk driver, when Sam wonders aloud why Daphne became a pig, not a doe.
Daphne tells him a pig is just her stand-by when she shifts, which is so attractive and feminine. Sam mentions that it was weird that Andy seemed to recognize her, when he started hollering, “Pig, pig!” Daphne pointedly asks him what else you’d call a pig you didn’t know, and when Sam tries to bring it up again, she shuts him up by giving him a blow job. Oh those wicked feminine wiles. At Merlotte’s, Lafayette is stocking produce in the cooler when Pam pops up behind him, and asks “Remember me?” Lafayette spooks, and practically tries to hide on the shelf with the vegetables. Pam makes small talk, and Lafayette asks if she’s real, –Pam ignores his questions and looks around, concluding that the cooler is “nice” and she could sleep there in a pinch. Lafayette asks why she’s there, and she tells him that he owes them, and that Eric has sent her a request that he re-open his business. She shows him a large pharmaceutical brown bottle of blood, but Lafayette tells Pam he’s out of “that shit”. When Pam leans over to put the bottle beside him on the shelf, Lafayette practically climbs up it; she tells him he’s back in “this shit.”
Lafayette reminds her that they tortured him for almost three weeks because they caught him selling V, and wonders why vampires are selling V. Pam says, “We’re not. You are. Get to work,” before she leaves him there, wondering what the hell just happened. At the Fellowship, Steve is inviting Sookie and Hugo down to the basement to see his father’s tomb, –ew, pass. When Sookie tries to tell them she’s not interested, Hugo explains that they both suffer from claustrophobia. Sarah objects halfheartedly, while Gabe blocks the exit behind Hugo and Sookie. The open door in front of them is the only option, and Sookie tries to talk her way out of being trapped, but eventually, pretenses are dropped, and Gabe rushes them. Steve drags a screaming and struggling Sookie down the stairs, and calls her a “fucking cunt” much to Sarah’s dismay. At the hotel, Bill snaps awake, to find Lorena there restraining him. She reminds him that she made him, and he cannot overpower heer, –but that doesn’t stop him from trying.
All Sarah can say is “I’m sorry,” when Sookie is dragged away by Steve and Gabe. At Sookie’s house, Tara and Eggs come home to find the house totally trashed, and manage to pick up a joint on their way outside, following a long trail of trash and clothes into the woods. They smoke some pot along the way, because you know, why not? It’s not like they could be calling the cops, cleaning up, or kicking Maryann and her little servant out of the house for being useless white trash. They hear screaming, and run to a clearing, where around a fire, to the sounds of some hippie drum music, a fair number of townspeople are having huge porno orgy sex, while Maryann does her vibrator dance. Maryann grins at them, before resuming her vibrator dance. Tara and Eggs looked pretty shocked, but apparently don’t end up running away. At the hotel, Jessica snaps wide awake, and checks her cell phone with vampire speed. Disappointed with no new messages, she heads to the minibar and reads the menu. TruBlood is $45, but Jesus Christ, following at a close second, is a chocolate bar for $15. Jessica, in an obviously sassy mood, begins pouring TruBlood down the drain, when someone knocks on the door.
It’s Hoyt! Jessica runs to the door, while Hoyt tries to apologize, and worry aloud about how she is probably angry with him, –while Jessica tries to figure out how to actually open the door. He came all that way and brought her flowers! Aww, Jessica says she can’t believe it, –and we can’t either. Hoyt is such a big sweety. Hoyt is genuinely surprised she isn’t mad, and Jessica wants to cry but can’t because “it’s really gross” when she does. Nah, it looks pretty neat actually; it’ll probably renew an emo photography trend. Hoyt gives her the flowers, apologizing again because they’re half wilted from being in a hot car for a few hours, but Jessica says they’re beautiful anyway. They get to kissing and Jessica slams the door behind them. At the Fellowship of the Sun church, Jason enters the main chapel, looking for Steve to let him know the platform thing is done. He finds Sarah, sniffling and crying up on the balcony, and, rather than be an ass, goes up to see if he can’t make her feel better.
Jason hesitantly asks why she’s crying, –though you can tell his drama-meter with the Newlins is getting pretty close to breaking. Sarah tells him that Steve isn’t the man she married. Jason tells her that Steve is a great man, and that he’s guilty about what they did last night. Wow, guilt from Jason Stackhouse about sex? Never saw it coming. Sarah tells Jason the truth about Steve; that he’s training the Soldiers of the Sun, –including him and Luke, to start a war with the vampires, and that he is vicious, and cruel, and gasp! he uses the C word! Oh no, how awful. Because starting a war that will cost thousands of lives is nothing compared to using the C word! Oh, say it ain’t so! Sarah cries, telling Jason that Steve is lying to her, and shutting her out; Jason dries her eyes, in the sweetest way. You don’t deserve him, you bitch! Sarah convinces Jason that, in her heart, she’s not married to Steve anymore, and that she wants to be with Jason instead. Jason, told that ‘God wants this’, is seduced yet again by the blond vixen, and they have sex right there in the church. Egads.
Elsewhere, Daphne leads a reluctant Sam towards the sound of drums, and when he hesitates, he’s jumped by a bunch of psychos and dragged off to the clearing, where a zombified Eggs is having wild animal sex with Tara. Sam asks “what the fuck is this?” and Daphne tells him, “it’s the end of the road,” before she places the big bull mask on Maryann. She starts chanting, and vibrating, while nearby, Carl, –who I’ve begun to think of as a eunuch, –stands by with a knife on a silver tray. Sam screams bloody murder, –literally, and that’s where they leave us!