True Blood Season 2 Premier!

true-blood-season-2-posterOh my god! Season 2 Premier! Like, yaaaay! How many of you could have just died when you found out they were going to be making more True Blood? I don’t know about you, but I almost had an epileptic episode. A word of warning; for those of you who read the books, or are reading the books, you might be sitting back like, “Whoa, wtf just happened…. that’s not in the script!” First off, guys, the books were just Alan Ball’s springboard. They’re not the True Blood Bible, the books are just where the ideas come from. We all have theories, –one of mine, for example, has to do with the overload of Tara in the series, and HBO’s desire to be PC. But what about Eric’s hair? And Lafayette? And, and, and, and?! We could go on this tirade forever, but fortunately, I’ve got a synopsis to write. And you guys have a synopsis to read. So let’s get crack-a-lackin’, shall we?

In the beginning of the episode, we see Sam behind the bar with his big bag of cash, and he’s just headed to his Jeep when he hears Tara and Sookie start screaming. Uh oh, more murder in Bon Temps! Pretty soon, we’re going to have to start calling it Little East St. Louis. Poor Andy, totally inebriated, tells the girls to shut up and, stumbling and plastered, tries to take hold of the situation just as Sam arrives. He tries to console the women a bit, while Andy explosively tells everyone to ‘Back up!’. Sookie explains the situation and the discovery of the dead body to Sam, and just as she’s getting to the part about looking for Andy’s car, Andy hollers, “Someone fuckin’ moved it!” Okay, buddy, we believe you, gosh. Tara begins bawling to Sam, begging for it not to be Lafayette. Sam urges Andy to check for a pulse, but Andy sees something under the tarp that convinces him there’s no use checking. Andy shows Sam why, and we can tell that it’s not Lafayette before we even see the body; after all, he’d never wear a bra that looked that cheap.

Let’s hear some Jace Everett – Bad Things while we continue…

P1Andy further lifts the tarp, and we see –Holy shit! It’s Miss Jeanette! Wtf is she doing under there?! Tara recognizes her and starts screaming again. Well, what the hell, it wasn’t Lafayette, was it? Further proof that women like Tara are impossible to please. The theme song starts up, and praise the Lord! it’s still ‘Bad Things’ by Jace Everett. The show just wouldn’t be the same without his song getting you in the mood for some dirty dirty southern vampires. So rock your hips and wrap your lips around your favorite bottle of TruBlood, and we’re ready to go! Sookie is listening in to everyone’s thoughts as we come back; she hears that Tara knew Miss Jeanette, just before Tara tells Kenya, the deputy taking her statement, that she never saw that woman before. Mike Spencer and his new helper are loading the stiff and grotesque looking corpse of Miss Jeanette into the van, while Andy is pissed off and wondering what kind of ‘sick fuck’ would dump a body in a detective’s car.

Sheriff Bud Dearborn arrives and hollers for Andy, who stumbles over and gives Bud a quick run-down of the state of things, letting it slip that he’s been at the bar for “four to six” hours. Bud tells him that he’s overworked, and drunk, while Andy’s sister –the yet to be named Portia, –honks in the car. Andy denies being overworked, –but not drunk, obviously, and heads off to follow Bud back into the crime scene. Sookie and Sam talk while leaning against a car, commiserating about the latest dead body in Bon Temps; Sookie tells Sam she suspects that whomever killed the woman just wanted to see her suffer. Tara approaches and tells Sookie she’s ready to go home, but Sookie asks her how she knew the woman who was killed. Tara starts to get upset, but her defenses crumble and she tells Sookie about ‘Miss Jeanette’. Sookie pulls Tara into a hug, and encourages her to tell the police the truth; Tara mourns some about how her mother’s going to feel, but turns back to tell Kenya the truth.

P3Over at Bill’s, the proud father of a bitchy teenager is laying down the law: Bed time at 4:00 am, paper in one container, bottles in the other, so that the recycling goes out right. Jessica whines and complains, and when Bill’s phone rings, she asks if she can have one too. Kids! Sookie explains that she might be a bit late coming to see Bill, who offers to come there, –not so fast, buster. Sookie tells him that’s okay, it’ll give her something to look forward too. Bill looks over at Jessica and tells Sookie to take her time. Good god almighty, I’d think so. Bill is in trouble, uh oh. After the two conclude the quick phone chat, Bill explains to Jessica that he has a guest coming, no they cannot eat her, yes it’s his girlfriend, and yes, she has to be nice to her. Then we get a good old fashioned vocabulary lesson: Bill tells Jessica he doesn’t want her looking like a “slattern”. Jessica, clueless, as most of the audience is no doubt, asks for an explanation. Bill explains; a ‘lady of the… evening’, to which Jessica exclaims, “Awesome!” Oh yes, looking like a whore is all the rage! These days you pass a middle school, a high school, and a brothel, and you’ll have to check your directions to find out which is which.

Elsewhere in Bon Temps, the ever oblivious Jason Stackhouse reads some religious propaganda from his good friends at the Fellowship of the Sun. Oh my. But it’s not long before he leans over to cry for the late Amy, whom he flashes back to remember the fun times they had together, while tripping on V. At the station, an upset Tara is interrogated by a sarcastic Kenya, a perplexed Bud Dearborn, and a drunken Andy. It’s like the Three Stooges of law enforcement. Bud tries to be the voice of reason, explaining the real identity of Miss Jeanette; Nancy Something, but Andy starts hollering at poor Tara, suspicious that she’s ‘pullin’ somethin”. Bud pulls Andy off, and tries to tell him to go for the night; Andy argues, but Bud tells him he might be a suspect. Just as Bud’s working up to a good reaming, Lettie Mae bursts in asking what “they” did to Miss Jeanette. In the office, Lettie Mae asks Tara if it’s true, and Tara confirms that Miss Jeanette is dead. Lettie Mae sits, miserable, and chokes out that it was Miss Jeanette who saved her life, and Tara sits with her and tries to explain that Miss Jeanette was a fake.

P5Lettie Mae refuses to believe Tara, however, and almost goes into hysterics, telling everyone that Miss Jeanette cured her. The missing Lafayette shows up next, hunkered down in a dungeon-esque basement, somewhere, looking nothing like himself. He’s chained with several others, to a giant gear in the ceiling, with poles extending down, almost to the floor. Lafayette tries to catch water dripping from the corroded metal, but spits it out, once he tastes it. A man begins to call out, and each person must crawl forward to turn the gear, so that the man can reach the toilet. While the guy shits, the door opens and someone else is hauled down and chained, with a bag on his head. Lafayette scrambles behind a concrete pillar and hides. Another man is taken away, once the new prisoner is chained up. The bag is taken off his head and lo and behold! it’s the blond redneck from Merlotte’s who Lafayette punched after the “AIDS burger” ordeal. He’s also one of the guys who helped burn down Malcom’s nest. Hmm, looks like this might be a clue as to whose prisoners these are.

The two recognize each other, and the blonde asks Lafayette why he’s there, but neither know how they got there, or why. The blond starts screaming, but Lafayette tells him to shut up. Aww, looks like the two are becoming fast friends already. He asks Lafayette how long he’s been there, but he doesn’t know. Over at Bill’s, Sookie is telling him all about the newest dead body in her life, and Bill, the big softy, tells her he’s sorry she had to see that. Sookie’s seen more dead people than that kid from The 6th Sense. It’s time to grow thicker skin, and stop whining every time you see a mutilated body, woman! Now she’s whining about the ‘voices’; gah! Does it never end?! Wait a while Sookie, you’ll be blubbering and bawling some more in about oh, five minutes, tops. Bill tries to tell Sookie about his latest pain in the ass, but oooh no, it’s gotta be all Sookie’s problems, all the time. She tells him to shut up and kiss her; they kiss, but only for a second, before Jessica pops up to stir the shitpot.

P7“Well, hi there!” she says to Sookie, leaning over the railing upstairs, in nothing but a towel, and begins marveling over Bill’s shower. Yeah, indoor plumbing is crazy shit, isn’t it? Sookie looks up, and it looks like she’ll be starting her blubber-fest in, 5, 4, 3…. Outside of the police station, Lettie Mae approaches a brooding Tara, who immediately tries to tell her mother she was sorry for having to tell her the truth about Miss Jeanette. But Lettie Mae refuses to believe that she was a fraud; she declares that she’s “livin, breathin, thrivin proof that there wasn’t no fraud”. She clings to her cure, no matter the false pretenses under which it was given, and claims that Miss Jeanette being taken from them was God testing her faith. Lettie Mae expresses regret that her daughter didn’t “stay true” like she did, and that she prays for her. Tara tells her not to bother, and tells her mother she’s doing better than she has in a while; Lettie Mae then entreats her to at least pray with her for Miss Jeanette then. But just as Tara looks as though she might consider it, Maryann pulls up.

Maryann pulls Tara into a hug, being sure to make Lettie Mae feel like total shit in the process. Tara and the crazy pig lady separate; Maryann approaches Tara’s mother, shakes her hand, and then tells her what a piece of shit she is. For those of you who ever had any doubts, now we know for a fact that this is an alternate universe: If this was reality, and a non-family member attempted to tell off a southern girl’s mama right in front of her, there is no way in Hell she would have been able to walk, let alone strut, back to her car. If Tara was a decent southern woman, you know she would’ve punched that bitch right in the face. But noo, she’s totally brainwashed by the crazy white hippie. The two walk off, practically arm in arm, as Lettie Mae stands on the sidewalk alone. Bleh, someone, please slap Tara. Over at Bill’s, Sookie conducts her own interrogation, demanding Bill to explain the situation in detail. When Sookie finds out Jessica is only 17, she gets that offended, churchgoer-just-saw-a-naked-pedestrian look on her face, and asks where Jessica’s parents are.

P9Jessica, stunned no doubt that anyone can be such a moral tight-ass, asks Bill, “Is she always like this?” and Bill looks over with a faintly pleading look, as if to say, “Yes, please kill me.” When Sookie asks if Bill had sex with Jessica, Bill exclaims “No!” while Jessica in chorus exclaims, “Ew, old!” Yeah, about 200 years old, actually. Not to mention cursed with sideburns that make one wonder if they were ever in fashion, even 200 years ago? Bill explains to Sookie that he had to create a vampire, as punishment for murdering Longshadow, when he tried to kill Sookie. Jessica looks at Sookie, and a lightbulb flickers on in the head of the young dingbat: “So this is all your fault?” Ding ding ding, tell her what she’s won, Johnny! But instead of directing her over to Curtain #1, Bill sends Jessica upstairs for the night, who hollers that Bill’s house blows compared to Fangtasia. A hurt and slightly stunned Sookie looks on. Sookie asks Bill if Jessica could be responsible for the dead body missing a heart, and Bill says “No!” at first, then, a quieter “probably not.” Uh huh… Then Sookie goes on a long spiel about how Bill needs to be more open, and bla bla bla. Even Bill looks like he’s tired of the same old gooey chick stuff. Sookie asks Bill if he’s hiding anything else from her, and he denies it, though looking shifty as he says so. Sookie denies the pussy for the evening, and Bill pouts as any man would.

Sookie tells Bill she’s a lot stronger than he thinks, and we all sit back for a moment at her guile. Yeah, aside from her constant emotional diarrhea, neverending PMS, and getting almost killed every day. Yeah, Sookie’s a font of emotional fortitude. She takes off, leaving Bill to his porn and fake blood for the evening. Poor guy. On the news, Reverend Steve Newlin debates with Nan Flanagan, whose arguments are always more logical, and whose wit is definitely more “biting”. The douchebag Reverend accuses Flanagan of knowing who killed his parents, but she brushes him off. He concludes by inviting Nan Flanagan to enjoy a beautiful summer morning with him in Texas, and Nan tells him to give her 12 hours, and she’ll be right there. During all this, Preacher’s Wife Barbie, aka Sarah Newlin, cheers him on for the sidelines, and when he finishes, accompanies him upstairs, while they discuss Nan Flanagan’s fangs coming out, and Steve’s chances of becoming governor.

P11The two arrive inside a conference room for lunch with a bunch of fans and people hoping to get autographs and meet the famous asshole. The creepy guy who first met Jason in jail to deliver his Fellowship of the Sun propaganda, introduces Jason to Sarah and Steve Newlin. Jason tells Reverend Douchebag that he’s the most famous person he’s ever met, and that his father’s book was really making him “um… think… about things..” to which Steve replies that, now Jason must know that his father’s true message was love, despite what all the liberal wingnuts think. Another sign of an alternate universe; a world where the media bias is in favor of the conservatives! Jason declares that “it’s just like he says in the book, ‘I’m comin’ from the darkness, into the light!'” While Reverend Steve looks at Jason like he’s got an IQ of 4, the other cult member explains to Steve that Jason is new to the flock, but most enthusiastic about the message; i.e., he’s not very bright, but he’ll be easily manipulated. Meanwhile, Sarah Newlin is looking at Jason like he’s prime rib, and she want to fork.

The lesser cult member recommends Jason for ‘The Light of Day Institute’; sort of like, base camp for anti-vampire fundamentalists. He declares that it’s a wonderful program, and “if you’ve got the time and money” it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah to play cannon fodder for a bunch of culty vampire haters. Jason’s curiosity dampens once he finds out it’s going to cost $1200 to go, but Sarah Newlin tells him to pray on it, and wait for a sign from God. He agrees, and Reverend Douchebag pats his cheek, saying, “May his holy light shine upon you,” while Jason stares open-mouthed, as if Jesus himself were patting him on the head. Outside Bon Temps, Sam arrives at Maryann’s large home with his big bag of money, and Carl answers, declaring that she expected him last night. Sam is led indoors, and Carl tells him he’ll check if the crazy pig lady is available. As Sam waits, he approaches a weird sculpture that vaguely resembles a woman, and flashes back to invading a home as a dog when he was younger.

P13He trots through the house, naked and eating everything in sight, before dumping whatever valuables he can find into a garbage bag. When he approaches the weird sculpture, he turns and finds Maryann watching him. She questions him about what he’s doing there, and why he’s naked, all the while looking amused; like she wants to either screw him or eat him. Poor Sam, only 17, is sort of shocked by the freaky woman. He zooms forward in time to standing in Maryann’s living room once more, and puts the statue back, while Carl returns to tell him that the lunatic is asleep. Sam tells Carl to let Maryann know that he has something for her, and leaves. Elsewhere, a forlorn looking Sookie is sitting at the table in her gran’s kitchen, before she goes upstairs to look over Gran’s bedroom. All of Gran’s things are still sitting the way she left them. Sookie begins attempting to go through everything, but cuts herself on a box, just before someone rings the doorbell. Gotta be smarter than the cardboard, Sookie.

Sookie invites a man in, called Mr. Lancaster, to have a seat; evidently, he’s a family lawyer, and Sookie, perturbed as to why he’s here, asks if Gran’s papers were all in order. Mr. Lancaster tells her everything’s fine in regard to her grandmother’s things, but that he has terrible news. Apparently, her Uncle Bartlett is dead. Oh how awful, what a great loss to the world he is. Mr. Lancaster explains the circumstances of his death, which the police have officially declared accidental; when Sookie asks about ‘marks on the body’ it’s easy to see she suspects Bill may have killed him. Lancaster tells her that there were plenty of fish and gators in the creek where her uncle washed up, so there wasn’t much of a body left. Sookie, already disgusted, is then presented with a small inheritance of around $11,000, which makes her turn practically green. She takes the check, getting the envelope all bloody and gross.  Symbolism is a thing we don’t take lightly around here, Mr. Ball.

P15At the crazy pig lady’s house, Maryann, Eggs and Tara are lounging by the pool eating fruit and smoking grass, giggling; you know, doing hippie deeds and such. Tara looks at the painting across the pool, and Maryann explains that it’s the god Pan and his human lover. Tara wonders who she is, and Maryann tells her, she could be any of us. Perhaps giving a peek as to what the strange Maryann creature actually is, she goes on to talk about the Greeks and their religious philosophies for a moment, before Tara mentions her mother’s ‘imagined’ closeness with god. Maryann accuses Tara of bringing her mother into everything, and there’s a slight twinkle of Tara’s annoyance that Maryann was nasty to Lettie Mae. But only a minimal amount of offense, before the perky Maryann gets up to get more papaya, and the two lovebirds go back to talking about how damaged they were as children. Eggs, apparently, has quite the past; when Tara talks about seeing her first dead body, Eggs talks about seeing plenty of them. Jeez, guy, could you be a little more competitive?

They giggle, and almost kiss, after discussing their shitty lives, but Carl pops up with fresh towels, to ruin the moment. Tara gets up to go inside, claiming that she has to get changed for work. As Tara goes upstairs to change, Maryann calls Carl into the kitchen, and backhands him hard enough to knock him down. She hollers “Nobody needed towels!” Well, god damn, have a coronary, will you? That Maryann bitch is vicious, no? When I first saw him go down, I thought she’d knocked his eye kind of squirrely, but a friend pointed out to me that it had been like that in the first place. Poor Carl; destined to be a crazy woman’s bitch forever, and having bad taste in clothing and a lazy eye to multiply his misery. On the road, Jason and Hoyt are taking a short break, and discuss Rene for a moment, both finding it hard to believe that he was really a deranged serial killer.

P17Jason tells Hoyt about getting to know the folks at the Fellowship of the Sun, and even Hoyt’s smart enough to know that those people are a bunch of assholes. Hoyt asks what’s wrong with the church they got there, but Jason claims that the Fellowship is better, despite Hoyt’s argument. Jason states that when he’s there he feels as though he’s had a ‘calling from Jesus, or from Steve Newlin himself!” Hoyt shakes his head, just as Sookie’s pulling up. She delivers the bad news about their Uncle Bartlett, and gives him the inheritance. When Jason protests and asks if she wants to split it, Sookie demands he take the money, and takes off for work. Jason looks up to the sky above the trees, and gives God his personal thanks. Now he can afford cult-y Christian fundie camp! Yay! The screen goes fuzzy, and we’re back in Sam’s memory-land, where his 17-year-old self is having badly staged sex with a creepy, and chatty Maryann. Maryann starts vibrating and Sam flips out, rolling her over; Maryann tells him he’s not the only one who’s “special” in this world. Well, I can definitely say for sure that running around with pigs in the middle of the night is pretty damn “special” behavior.

Sam looks positively awful, sitting in his office, as we flash forward to the future; he snaps out of his reverie when Arlene comes in, telling him that she and Sookie are about to “drop dead from exhaustion”, with just the few of them there. She recommends he at least interviews “Daphne” a pretty blond she’s towed along with her, and asks Sam if she can start parking closer to his trailer, because of the dead body found in the lot the other day. Arlene thanks him, but still mourns the loss of 9 broken nails, as she heads out the door. Sam begins interviewing ‘Daphne’, (Greek mythology once again, audience, pay attention to clues!), who cites her only previous experience in waiting tables, was working at the Cracker Barrel. Oh boy. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blonde redneck are pushing the big gear in the ceiling, and starting a heart-to-heart chat. The only other person left is a woman in a torn dress, and ripped up hose. The blonde redneck is telling Lafayette about what an asshole he was previously, and Lafayette is trying to make him shut up.

P19The blonde redneck claims that it’s important that they talk, so that if one of them doesn’t make it, the other can get out and tell the world about him. Lafayette tells him sure, whatever makes him feel better; probably not the best decision, but why not? A few good reasons, actually, but whatever. The blonde redneck laments that his first major regret is letting his cousin’s girlfriend crush his head with her tits, which led to him being thrown out a window, and having hip replacement surgery. Now he has a “magnetic ass”. Count yourself lucky, buddy, think of all the awesome things you can do with a magnetic ass! Lafayette hopes aloud that the guy isn’t the last muthafucka’ he meets before he dies. The redneck urges Lafayette to tell him the things he regrets, and being a smartass till the very end, Lafayette tells him about getting trouble with his boss, for fighting with a bunch of rednecks. The blonde redneck apologizes for hassling him for being gay, and tells him, that if it’ll make him feel any better, when he was 15 he let his bunk mate blow him at camp. The blond redneck starts cryin’, and Lafayette rolls his eyes heavenward.

At Merlotte’s, Terry is in the kitchen cooking, while Andy, drunk again, walks around harassing the diners and drinkers about the case. The bar-wenches, Tara, Sookie and Arlene, discuss Jason and Hoyt drinking ‘Lite’ beer, –Jason isn’t drinking at all, and Hoyt’s mother, –the obnoxious, hefty Maxine Fortenberry, –wants Hoyt to lose some weight. Arlene states that Hoyt’s mama has ‘more chins than a Chinese phonebook’, while the girls look on, aghast at the ancient joke. Meanwhile, at Jason and Hoyt’s table, a blond Ellie-May type leans over the table, practically thrusting her cleavage at Jason, while asking him to drink with her, and flat out “bang her brains out.” Jason declines, so she asks Hoyt, but he wasn’t fast enough for her, so she takes off. Jason claims he needs to “stay pure” but if Hoyt wants to ‘hit that’ he can. Hoyt tells Jason he likes them nicer; no doubt, and you don’t want the clap from the first girl you screw either. That girl might be pretty, but she looks like a playground for venereal disease.

P21Two of the women Andy just finished bothering start gossiping about the dead “Rene Marshall”, when Arlene stops, and tells them that his name was Drew Marshall, and he’s dead, and ain’t never coming back. She begins to cry, when Terry stops by, slaps money down on their tables, and makes the two nasty old bitches leave, taking their men with them. Arlene hugs a slightly shocked Terry, who awkwardly sneaks a whiff of her hair. Awww, so cute. In the back by the payphones, Sookie and Jason discuss his trip to “Marlboro Baptist” church over in Baton Rouge. He tells her he’ll be gone for a few days, and Sookie says she wishes she could get off for a few days too. Sookie tells Jason she just started trying to pack things in Gran’s room, but couldn’t bear to put things away; Jason tells her he misses Gran too. What a sweet little brother and sister moment. No screamin or hollerin, just mutual love for the late Gran. Jason tells Sookie that he hopes God will let him know why good people have to die, like Gran, and Amy. Sookie objects, because Amy was a V addict, but Jason tells her that, when you love someone, you have to love it all, otherwise it ain’t love. For once, Jason says something smart, and it was Sookie who learned something this time.

The siblings hug, after Andy comes out of the bathroom hollering that he has some questions for Jason. Sookie lets him know Andy’s drunk, before she takes off to find Sam. Bud Dearborn and family are coming into Merlotte’s full of …something, fresh from a square dancin’ contest, that they’re carrying the trophy for. Woohoo! Tara tells Sookie that Sam is out back, but he’s been acting weird. Tara tells Sookie she’s sorry about her Uncle Bartlett, hugs her. Sookie isn’t exactly torn up about it though, she states her wish that people would stop dying around there. Over at Bill’s, they’re going through all the different flavors of TruBlood to find one that Jessica can drink. She whines that Eric let her feed on a guy with tattoos, and piercings, but Bill gets cranky and tells her he’s not Eric; she agrees… and so do we. I think Eric is hotter, personally.

P23Sookie heads off to talk to Sam, who’s sitting alone having a beer outside. Sookie tries to get him to open up, but Sam is in a shitty mood, and who can blame him? Sookie asks to leave early, Sam guesses why, and she starts to tell him why she wants to see Bill tonight, but he cuts her off. Sam is tired of Sookie’s bullshit, i.e., sitting on her backburner, getting his ass scorched. Can’t blame him, once again; Sam doesn’t get much play, from Sookie, or Tara these days. Both girls treated him like shit and dumped him. Sam tells her to show up early to make up for lost hours, and heads inside, leaving Sookie there feeling like an asshole. Good, for once, don’t be such a self-centered dinghead. Proof, that she and Jason share DNA. Inside, Andy is harassing old people when Bud Dearborn tells him that he’s taking him off the case. Any tries to argue, since being a detective is all he can do, but Bud is firm. Andy leaves, miserable. Poor Andy, he really is an asshole, but he deserves to be right at least once.

Back in his office, Sam sits drinking remembering his escape from Maryann; he jumps out of bed, when she’s in the shower, gets dressed, and uses a pillowcase to stash jewelry off the dresser, and a whole drawer full of cash, before he takes off. Maryann jerks him forward, back to the present, by appearing in the office doorway, saying that he has something of hers. She closes the door, and Sam, now standing, gives her the money. He says he doesn’t know how she found him, but he assumes it was the money she was after. Sam is backed into a corner, sweating, and clearly scared of Maryann, who squats and looks into the bag. She laughs when she finds out it’s money; yeah, plain old money. Yawn. Sam suspects that Maryann is trying to get back at him by luring Tara into her weird lifestyle, but Maryann denies that her being there has anything to do with him. At the bar, Eggs has stopped in to talk to Tara, and claims that he just wanted to see where she works. She tries to take his order, and instead, he steals a kiss! Aww, how cute, and corny.

P25Sam sees Tara and Eggs kissing over the bar, while Maryann smugly watches as well, as if to say, “Ha, your life sucks, and I’m helping it suck more! Neener!” At Bill’s, they’re still trying to find a mixture of TruBlood for Jessica, and finally settle on ‘two parts O- to one part B+’, when Sookie enters. She tells Bill she needs to talk to him alone, but he says that he’s kind of busy with Jessica. Sookie sits over with Jessica for a little girl talk, and lets her know that the next night, they’ll have some girl time, but right now she needs to talk to Bill alone. Jessica agrees, and heads upstairs. Bill is amazed, practically bug-eyed with disbelief that Sookie could get Jessica to shut up and go away in 30 seconds flat. But Sookie is in Bitchy-Girlfriend-Mode. Uh oh, Bill’s in trouble again; poor guy. Sookie asks flat out about Bill killing Uncle Bartlett, and gets the affirmative, which is her cue to start getting all emotional on Bill. She cries about the apparent ease with which Bill can take a human life, and starts heading out the door, when Bill says he won’t apologize for loving her so much, and so on and so forth, and then sex! Woohoo!

Bill does this amazing move, where he grabs Sookie’s skirt, yanks, and tosses it; it’s like sexual athleticism, and he’s a pro: “I’m taking your skirt off with my mad skillz!” Then there’s lots of Skinemax style sex, and vampire biting, and bloody kisses. Yum. There are also a lot more shots of Sookie’s boobs; another bonus. Back in the dungeon, Lafayette and the blond redneck are the only ones left, and dinghead claims to have a plan to bust them out. Lafayette tells him to shut up, as Eric comes downstairs, with foil in his hair, wearing a green smock. What a flattering look for a thousand year old vampire. How is it that vampires who can heal instantaneously can get their hair dyed and cut, Mr. Ball? Eric tells the blond redneck that he has some questions about the three vampires that died in a fire, and hauls him up to take him upstairs. The redneck attacks him with silver and attempts to run for it, but Eric, looking fierce, grabs him and drags him down the stairs by his ankle, so that his head thumps off the concrete steps. Eric picks him up, and bites him repeatedly, making it look plenty gross, before ripping the guy to pieces. Lafayette watches from behind the pillar, getting splattered with the redneck’s blood. And that’s where they leave us! Yummy.

By annimi

Ashley writes for,, and other sites in the Darksites Network. She's involved in several seedy and disreputable activities, smokes too much, and spends her late nights procrastinating for work on her first novel.


  1. Pingback: vampires
  2. Pingback: vampires

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: