This is the last and final In Memorium for True Blood, –at least for the last two seasons. I’m sure in Season 3, a lot more people will be dropping dead, so when it’s over, we’ll have a part 3 addendum to this. Before I start in, I’d like to mention that there are a few in here that are considered to be ‘minor characters’, –and I heartily disagree, first of all. Many of these “minor characters” were actually pretty important in Season 1, –it seems that you’re only an important dead character if you died in Season 2? Nah, bullshit. I’ve selected the dead characters that had the most impact on the show, –and lasted the longest. Afterward, we’ll be listing the few characters we missed in our major line-up, –even poor people get a couple of lines in the obituaries. I did do something a little different with their epitaphs though, –enjoy!
Mack and Denise did entirely too much jumping, as revealed in the first few episodes of True Blood where they kicked Sookie’s ass. They got thrown around quite a bit too, after that freak tornado landed on them…
I think in a lot of ways, Jason Stackhouse might have prevented Dawn’s death if he had been a little less of a dickhead, –she was the ultimate independent woman, complete with her own revolver.
Bartlett ‘Uncle Bartlett’ Hale – “The evil that men do lives on and on.” – Iron Maiden
Bartlett lives up to his epitaph; he lived a pretty evil life, preying on Sookie when she was young, but even his death was a continuation of evil. He was murdered by Bill, which just created more evil in the world, –and definitely put another wedge in Sookie and Bill’s relationship.
Malcom, Liam and Diane – “Oh, I love the nightlife.” – Alicia Bridges
I selected one of the most popular disco songs of all time, because that’s what these guys reminded me of, –wild party animals. Especially Diane, who looked like a Pam Grier fan gone insane. Their demise was sort of sad, but only because they took a sweet little fangbanger guy with em.
Royce Williams – “Redeemed from the cell to which he’d been thrown…” – Blue Oyster Cult
Royce was the asshole who got Lafayette’s back up about his being a gay cook, in Merlotte’s. He also helped burn Malcom’s nest, killing all three vampires. But in the end, he sort of redeemed his character, by trying to break he and Lafayette out of the dungeon. He was ripped to pieces by Eric Northman, but he tried.
Miss Jeanette – “She’s a black magic woman…” – Santana
Miss Jeanette was a fraud, but she did manage to cure Lettie Mae, Tara’s mother, of her alcoholism. And she also managed to call Maryann Forrester over to Bon Temps, where all that tasty supernatural energy is. She died after Maryann extricated her heart, and was dumped in Andy Bellefleur’s car.
Karl – “I’m doing everything just tryin’ to please her…” – Elvis Costello
Karl wasn’t quite a miracle man, but he tried. And despite his fabulous cooking, and hard work, Maryann ended up killing him anyway. Poor guy. On the other hand, he probably killed a few people for her too, –which makes him not so much of a loss. Unless he was under the brainwashing maenad thing at the time…
The Omitted Obits:
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
- Maudette Pickens – Killed by Rene Lenier
- Neil Jones – Killed in the fire caused by Royce Williams and friends.
- Longshadow – Killed by Bill Compton
- Stan Davis – Killed by Luke McDonald
- Gabe – Killed by Godric