True What?

The following was a response to our request for an episode reviewer. I just had to share the submission. What do you think, hire him or fire him?

True Blood: The Trailer as reviewed by someone who has never watched it

For starters I’m reviewing

that trailer.

Now when I hear a name like “True Blood” I know it can only ever be about one of two things: racists or vampires. Or, if I’m lucky it may be about racist vampires. I am now crossing my fingers that this is the case.

The trailer opens with a man dressed like he belongs at a Type O Negative concert, properly showcasing the ennui that is working at a convenience store and watching Bill Maher (a note, Bill Maher is being fairly racist at this point, so my hopes of racist vampires are being raised.)

Some quick cuts are used to show a female vampire feeding on somebody and some lady getting jacked in the park, but both cuts are brief and really only serve to disorient the viewer.

Suddenly, the bored goth man is saved from his tragic boredom by what I can only assume is an undercover cop from his lame dad-on-vacation outfit putting down a six pack of what appears to be beer at first glance, but probably actually isn’t. The name on the six pack, I should mention, is “Tru Blood”, which I’m guessing now is what the show is named after. I am officially revising my theory as to the subject of this show to “Racist vampires that brew their own beer.”

The scene then cuts to a man that looks like Brad Pitt fucked Ben Foster sitting in an arm chair being pretty racist (this racism thing seems to be pretty golden so far, hell he even has a southern accent.) Brad Foster appears to be being racist towards what I can only describe as angsty Paul Rudd, who I’m guessing is a vampire based on the tone in Brad Foster’s voice. Angsty Rudd drops a pretty “gotcha” line in the face of Brad Foster’s racism. I can only guess Angsty Rudd is the hero of this show or the Spike.

Another scene change and it’s Rogue working as a waitress, she was a lot sexier when she had the skunk hair. She also has a southern accent. I’m starting to think this might be set in the south (which might explain potentially undercover cop’s outfit.) She says something about getting out of town before it’s too late, so she’s either threatening somebody or she’s the down home girl that just wanted to live in New York City. Her night is set to change when Angst Rudd sits in a booth at her establishment (side note, I really think her tits were bigger in X-Men.)

Another scene change and she’s telling Ralphie May in a wig about her not having a date.

There’s a series of disorienting scene changes that mostly serve to inform you that oh yes, there will be fucking in this show ladies and gentlemen. Then the trailer starts to pick up, without really staying on any scene for very long, there’s apparently someone dead and it looks like Brad Foster lives with Rogue or at least knows her somehow.

Apparently in the south Vampires are the new Blacks, they have a special bar and every time someone dies it’s blamed on them. Cut to the special bar, and apparently Vampires are also all required to be gothy and the women are required to be dressed whorishly (which I’m completely down with.)

Some woman says “All anyone is thinking about here is sex sex sex” I’m assuming she’s referring to the writers. Rogue looks out her window and sees Angst Rudd there, minus a boombox so it’s more creepy than romantic.

The trailer then ends with alternating scenes of sex and violence. Just in case you forgot it was on HBO.

All in all, if the show is nothing but sex, violence, goth kids, and racist southerners I think the trailer did a fine job of showcasing itself. 8.0/10

— Rlyeh